more_cowbell25's Blurty
 
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Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in more_cowbell25's Blurty:

    Sunday, April 24th, 2005
    6:36 pm
    PMS rants
    Depressed today.
    I think that I should've had fun last night but I didn't... I mean I did have fun but only up to a certain point.
    I'm just bummed out. Majorly bummed.
    Plus I had work at 8AM, and I didn't sleep much last night either. The alarm in one of the buildings was going off and then the seagulls were out and my room was 500 degrees. It seriously was what I imagine hell to be like.
    I just keep thinking that maybe things will be better in the future, and that once I'm there I'll look back and everything will be so trivial. But now that I look at it, I've just been wishing that same thing since forever. And have they really gotten better?
    I just wish that I was a little more carefree, less rigid and protective of myself.
    I can't wait to start fresh in a new environment with new people and just a new outlook. But at the same time I'm going to miss this place so much. Not just here, but work as well. Those people are so amazing and what will I do when I can't see them anymore on a regular basis?
    But then a part of me just says that I should just stop it, because they don't care about you half as much as you care about them. I really wish that I could stop thinking that.
    I feel like I never know how to act around people. People in general just make me uncomfortable.
    I just finished reading "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" and it was one of those depressing but oddly uplifting endings that makes me want to cry.
    Today I was working and there was this little girl with red curly hair and chubby cheeks, and she came up to me because she wanted a size for something. And I helped her pick out a color and a size and she was just so adorable that I was about to start bawling right on the sales floor.
    I really think that I'm PMSing in the worst way.
    Oh, and then this kid head butted me in the stomach today. That was amazingly painful. I think I'm bleeding internally.

    Current Music: Keane, "Bedshaped"
    Monday, April 18th, 2005
    2:57 pm
    Annyong!
    Well now, it's been a while. Hello to all ye faithful readers, all one or two of you.
    It's been a rough few weeks, with the descent of impending doom. I won't find out whether or not Lang accepted me until mid-May, which means that I will probably find out after I leave here, which stinks. But I've decided that I'm willing to stick around for it, and if I don't get in then that's okay too. I'll just wait and apply again.
    At first I was really anxious and I thought that maybe I made the wrong decision. But I know that I won't be happy anywhere else.
    School has been not so good. I can't concentrate anymore. For the first time in a while, I sat down and did my required reading. I really need to catch up, but at the same time I just have no motivation.
    It makes me sick to my stomach to hear rich established men like Roger Tilles say that they had other students to think about. What they are doing to us is cruel, and I wish that they would have to pay in some capacity. How anyone expected us to get through this semester with good grades is just beyond me. I really just want to leave. I feel like my friendships are deteriorating with the exception of a few, and I just feel so lonely all of the time. Kind of like a waste of life, I guess. Although not that extreme.
    And I've been working soooo much. 18 hours on weekends, then another 15+ during the week. Not a good combination with this. I feel like I spend too much time there. I don't like having to be nice to ungrateful people. Sometimes walking around with a smile on my face is so difficult there, especially on the weekends. For example, yesterday we had traffic of about 4,000 people during the day. It took us 5 hours to recover the store. When people throw shit around do they not even care that someone has to pick up after them? Apparently not, and it makes me mad that I have to clean it all up and help the ungrateful bastards in the process. Like for instance, yesterday I was fixing men's denim which looked like a tornado, and these people were just standing there staring at the wall waiting for me to help them. So I just pretended like they weren't there. I know, it's bad business, but when you're there for 9 hours you don't feel like helping people find one fucking pair of jeans. Apparently, the apocalypse will begin and the horses will run through the Gap if I don't find them a pair of carpenters in a 30x32. And then my favorite is when they're like, "It's just my luck, it's the story of my life!" if you don't have what they're looking for. Maybe if you didn't shop at 5PM on a Sunday evening I would have something to give you.
    I really just hope that I make something of my life and I don't have to sit around bowing down to other people's needs forever. In this job, people treat you like shit and blame you for "impeding their shopping experience." Because suddenly they have a God-given right to have a stress free day of shopping where everyone will wait on them hand and foot and they won't have to wait for a dressing room. And it makes me sick, it makes me want to spit in their faces. Seriously. They forget that we're all people and that a job is a job no matter what you're doing. You should be respectful towards everyone because we're all in this together. We all have to pay taxes and keep breathing. So shut the fuck up and quit blaming me for "infringing your right to shop." Bitch.
    I'm not bitter or anything. Me? Bitter?!
    I hope I find a good job that I want to go to. But chances are I'll just end up in the rat race and wanting to kill myself.
    America pisses me off, because they make everyone think that you can succeed and be your own boss and blah blah blah. But how many people actually do that? And then you've got the Paris Hilton's of the country who work for fun, and don't understand the value of a dollar. Americans are so greedy, and if it doesn't have the word "I" in it, then it's nothing. Everything needs to revolve around them. If it doesn't, then they shouldn't have to put up with it. It's like that segment on the news, "Shame on You!" where people can write in and talk about one of their problems. They're always stupid and petty, like they got a parking ticket and it shouldn't be, or something like that. And it's always these people who say that they have a "right" to this and that and the other.
    Maybe I'm the same way. But at least I let people in on the highway or give someone a coupon once in a while.
    Okay, I need to finish reading. It'll be time for class in like 2.5 hours. Fun times...

    Current Mood: bored
    Monday, April 4th, 2005
    3:45 pm
    46 more days before I leave Southampton
    I think it's really starting to hit everyone that we won't all be together next year. How depressing is that? I just really want to hear back from Lang so that I can get everything together and sign up for classes.
    I'm so tired, but I feel like I shouldn't be, because I sleep forever now. I don't know what it is, but I really wish that I could be awake for longer. Even though I stay up till like 3AM... I wish that I could survive on like three hours of sleep a night, because I like staying up late but I want to wake up earlier.
    So I was thinking about changing my major when I get to Lang, but now I want to change it back to writing. Because I really miss it so much, and I want to be forced to do more of it. As much as I've tried to run away from it, writing is my true love, and I need to be able to do it.
    I really think if Lang didn't accept me, I would take the semester off and work. Because I don't want to be stuck at Stony Brook with a simple English major. Blech. I would rather go to Gap every day and work and save up the money. And that's sad. Sadness personified.
    I have a lot of work to do this week, and I have work for 28 hours. Yesssss... and only 46 more days here. I feel like when we have to leave I'm gonna be so depressed. This summer will suck. But at the same time, I'm getting to that point where I'm bored with my classes. I feel like I would be happy if we switched classes every two months. I mean really, how much could you get done, but still.
    Okay, I need to get back to reading Poe. And I have to go to the drugstore. So peace!

    Current Mood: anxious
    Current Music: "Cause I'm from the streets, and I'm the laaaaaast guy..."
    Saturday, March 26th, 2005
    11:59 pm
    heyoo!
    So in an effort to push writing up my Poe presentation to the last possible moment so that I will be crowned Procrastination Queen, I am updating this. What to say, what to say... I'm actually on my mom's computer because mine crashed the night before I was set to go back to school. And I went to the Apple store and the sexiest beast of a man waited on me. And I was pissed because he was so hot. I thought that nerds aren't supposed to be hot! But anyway, the guy that tried to fix my computer was really cool, and he made me feel a lot better. I suspect that a virus or two probably crept past my (un)updated Virex and therefore my hd crashed. But we will never know the cause... I just hope that my baby is okay.. :(
    Speaking of which, we might have to put Buddy down soon.. I know I said that a while ago but now I think it's for real. She's so obviously in pain and unhappy and I don't want to keep her hanging on if she can't enjoy it. The vet suspects that she has arthritis in her spine which can't be comfy. So she's losing control of her bowels and she sits around and whines a lot. She doesn't even wag her tail anymore. So it might be time to let her scamper off to the Field of Dreams... (seriously, there's a place where they scatter the ashes called the Field of Dreams.) I just can't think of Buddy as being cremated and scattered. She's my baby and I love her and will miss her dearly, but I just don't want for her to die in pain, y;know? It makes me want to cry because I'm gonna miss her so much.
    On another note, Sarah and I went into the puppy store in Smithtown and I fell for a little fat pit bull puppy. Actually it wasn't little at all. It was huge. And it makes this weezing noise instead of barking. And then the other puppies all ganged up on her and started pulling her cheeks and all she could do was sit there and wheeze. I love her. But I can't have another dog so soon after Buddy. Buddy's my baby. Plus I think that I would rather go to a shelter to get a dog. But like I said, I'm not gonna have one for a while. Only because I really can't take care of one right now, and I don't wanna leave it in the house with all of those other pets, only to have mom take care of it. I'd feel bad.
    I'm gonna switch topics briefly. I went to Jesse's house for a party the other night and it was a lot of fun. I miss Jesse a lot. I feel like I never see him, and then when I'm around him we have so much fun. I wish that we could spend more time together but I guess I just feel like I care about him more than he does me. Which I know is retarded when I'm around him because it's not like he acts weird or cold or anything, and he's told me that he loves me on various occasions and even though I know that it's not like "I love you to death" type thing it's just nice to hear it from someone. I guess I just wished that we talked more about life in general. We haven't really talked for a while about stuff. Maybe I'm giving him more credit than he's worth but maybe he senses that I'm having insecurities sometimes and he backs off. But maybe I'm pushing my feelings on him. I don't know.
    I should stop talking about that.
    Because I have a Poe presentation on Monday and I should do something about that.

    Current Mood: awake
    Current Music: Keane, one of my favorite new bands, even if they're not new
    Thursday, March 17th, 2005
    11:17 pm
    Wow, it's been a while, hasn't it?
    So I wanted to make this entry an obituary to Hunter S. Thompson. Which is weird, because I wasn't really very familiar with him before I got my last issue of Rolling Stone, and now I wish that I had discovered him a while ago because he is intriguing.
    I would like to be more like Doc. Because he knew who he was and nobody was going to change that. Sure, he might have been odd, but that's who he was and he embraced that, and therefore so did the people around him.
    I don't think that killing himself was a rash decision. I think that he just truly didn't want to deteriorate, and he always knew that he didn't want to, and so he took it into his own hands, rather than waiting for his body to just completely go. So I don't look at it as a decision from a brash and inconsistent mind, because he was so consistent with his inconsistencies.
    He just lived life the way that he wanted to live it and that's that. He talked to people the way that he wanted and expected the same from them.

    On another note, I'm having a depressed day. I'm stressed about school and i have my marathon work night tomorrow. I have two newspaper articles to do and I have to study for Poe. The pictures that I took for photography were for the wrong assignment. So that made me sad and stressed because the pictures that I did take were very good. But oh well.
    And I've been reading "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" and it's fucking depressing, even if it is really good.
    And I'm scared about Lang.
    And I've been eating everything in sight because that's how I deal with stress.
    So there.
    I need to go and do something worthwhile.

    PS - Arrested Development is the greatest show ever. Hands down.

    Current Mood: blah
    Current Music: Oldies!
    Sunday, March 6th, 2005
    9:44 pm
    fuck crusader entertainment!
    fuck them right in the ear!
    They've acquired rights to "Atlas Shrugged" to make it into a film. And they need to be stopped until I can do it!
    I'm so sad now.
    The guy who's writing it (I can't remember his name, but he wrote "Contact") didn't even like it when he first read it and then he said that Julia Roberts would make a good Dagny. And this movie is gonna be good, apparently... blech. They've been having problems with it, so hopefully it'll never get off of the ground and then I can swoop in and make an amazing movie. It's been one of my only goals, I have scenes all planned out in my head. They're gonna totally massacre it and it makes me so sad. Because I just can't. I would never see it. It would be so bad and then no one would want to do a remake because the first one tanked. Or, it'll end up getting a lot of praise and then get a lot of Oscars and I'll hang myself.
    This sucks!
    I'm so depressed now. I can't do work now. I'm just gonna curl up in a ball and wish that the project tanks before it can get off of the ground.

    Current Mood: crushed
    Current Music: Halley's Fifth Concerto... wah!
    Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
    11:46 pm
    So I had a pretty good day today, because for the first time, I fought against sadness! I was really depressed when I got out of photography because my second roll of film was cloudy, and I got really really sad, feeling down and out again. But then I thought, okay, so your sad because your film came out shitty. And that's all. Nothing else. And then I felt better. So for the first time, I fought back!
    What, it's a big deal to me!
    Anyway, so I'm excited because Robes is writing me a recommendation, and that's the only thing that I'm waiting on. I took care of everything else. That's it. I really want for Lang to give me a lot of the dinero. because I need it.
    Okay, time to get back to the newspaper articles.
    Oh, and i skipped British Lit today. I was in and out of dreams and I thought that class was cancelled even though it wasn't, and so I woke up at 10:40 and realized that yes, we did have class! So Estelle and I walked about halfway ther, then stopped and turned towards Wood Hall instead. That's good, because I don;'t think that I would have been able to bear it today. ugh. I was just pissed.
    Okay, newspaper time!
    Monday, February 28th, 2005
    6:33 pm
    It's been a while
    So I'm taking the time to update because I have to write my newspaper articles and my mind is on the blink. So here I am! Jen, Katy and I went into the city on Saturday, and we saw Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and it was funny. Norbert really made that show though. He was absolutely hilarious. We went to the Olive Garden and it was so good.
    So I've noticed that when I'm stressed I eat like crazy. All I can think about is food. I mentioned the Olive Garden and I wanted to drool everywhere.
    I think I just want for school to be over. I have a paper to write and I have no motivation to do it. There's just so many other things that I would rather be doing. I'm so worried about next year now. Every time I think about it I want to just flip out. Lang is not going to give me a lot of financial aid, and then I'm going to be stuck at Stonybrook and I'm going to hate every second of it.
    I really think that if I don't get into Lang, I'm going to reapply for the spring. But then I'm concerned about how I'm going to get all of the recommendations and all of that bullshit. I'm a nervous wreck about that. I read Estelle's essay the other night and I wanted to freak out because mine was definitely not that good. I didn't spend too much time on it, and I sent my application at 1AM. I didn't take it too seriously because I didn't face the fact that it's my future, that I;m not going to be here next year. Like I really don't believe that I;m going to get in. And then I will cry because then i'll be stuck at Stonybrook and working at Gap.
    Anyway, I started writing my script for screenwriting and it's going well. I know that I will want to change everything, but it's a start. but I know that I was meant to do this. I'm never as happy than when I'm writing dialogue. It's elating.
    Anyway, I need to get back to writing... newspaper articles. I'm so not in the mood.

    Current Mood: groggy
    Current Music: Movin' Out Soundtrack
    Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
    6:14 pm
    I
    Okay, so I have a breather for 20 minutes or so... so here I am!
    I'm fillling out applications and stuff for schools and it's pissing me off.
    And I just burnt my finger on my dinner, which is a little thing of Chef Boyardee's Rice with Chicken and Veggies. Or as Katy likes to call it, "baby food."
    I'm mad because they changed my hours for work tomorrow so I work earlier. And that sucks because it's going to be me in the dressing rooms all day. Because there'll be nothing else for me to do.
    I've started seeing a therapist. She's someone who I've seen before but not on a regular basis. I'm really looking forward to it, because it feels nice to finally feel like I can start healing. I even have a workbook to work with! It's something that she's given to other patients that have been in my same position. So I'm excited about it.
    And I'm not dropping out. I just dropped one class. So I think that tomorrow morning, rather than having to get up and go to political science, I will be going to the gym, and then to stinky work :( They gave me 21 hours this week! Which normally isn't a big deal, last summer I was working 41 in 4 days, but it's more than they've given me in a few months. And of course, it's while the work is beginning to pile up. Gorgeous.
    Okay, I'm gonna go finish my baby food and then smile. Because I have class with Sweater tonight. All night.
    Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
    10:24 pm
    I FORGOT BILLY JOEL!
    Okay, so in my survey thing, I forgot that one of my all time favorite artists is Billy Joel. He is by far the most talented songwriter and catchiest lyricist I have ever known. I don't care if he's an alcoholic and runs his car into things and marries people who are the same age as his daughter, which makes me think that he's really perverted. I DON'T CARE. So here's to you, Mr. Joel, for creating songs that make me sing really loudly (and quite badly) in my car on my way to the same boring ass places every day.

    Okay, I need to document this poem, because I have found my all time favorite ever. And it's from Edgar Allan Poe. Don't be fooled by the title or the last line. If you are, then you are obviously not a literature student and you do not know how to analyze poetry. (Said in haughty tone... just kidding. You just need to go to SCHOOL once in a while.)
    "Alone"
    From childhood's hour I have not been
    As others were - I have not seen
    As others saw - I could not bring
    My passions from a common spring -
    From the same source I have not taken
    My sorrow - I could not awaken
    My heart to joy at the same tone -
    And all I loved - I loved alone -
    Then - in my childhood, in the dawn
    Of a most stormy life - was drawn
    From every depth of good and ill
    The mystery which binds me still -
    From the torrent, or the fountain -
    From the red cliff of the mountain -
    From the sun that round me rolled
    In its autumn tint of gold -
    From the lightning in the sky
    As it pass'd me flying by -
    From the thunder and the storm -
    And the cloud that took the form
    When the rest of Heaven was blue
    Of a demon in my view.
    7:44 pm
    "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"
    No joke. I had a dream last night where Eugene Lang wouldn't accept me because I was insane. And I was screaming at them that I wasn't, and they were just like, "sure, sure..."... it was terrible. I think that is one of my worst fears is that I'm going to end up crazy. And that, my friends, would just really suck.
    Today was an okay day. It was the activities fair, which was just retarded because it's not like anyone is gonna care enough to sign up for clubs and crap. But oh well. Then I went to the gym for a really long time, came back and gathered photography stuff, and now here I am!
    Oh yeah, and I had political science today. I really don't like that class, but I will probably stay in it. Because I really don't want to have a lot of time on my hands, y'know? And if I drop that, then I will have no class on Wednesdays and Fridays, and then what would I do? But if I move back home then that might work out.
    I don't have any idea what I'm going to do about that.
    Which reminds me... I should probably write an application essay... and send out my transcripts. I need to get on this.
    So I'm going to do that right now.
    Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
    6:03 pm
    another random survey... because nothing's wrong!
    THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
    1. Rebecca
    2. Becca
    3. Beckers
    THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
    1. beccadancr
    2. that's it
    3. no more
    THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
    1. I'm creative
    2.I can make people laugh when there's a tense moment
    3. and I can walk on water... frozen water, that is
    THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
    1. I second guess myself
    2. I cut myself off from everyone
    3. sometimes I sink so low that I think that I'll never pull out of it
    THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
    1. German
    2. Russian
    3. Austrian (aka could I get any whiter than these 3?)
    THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
    1. failure
    2. long drops (like roller coasters)
    3. those websites with pictures of dead people, and that one with the ship graveyard
    THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
    1. some type of sugar
    2. a cuss word or two
    3. a cup of tea, like the British love
    THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
    1. jeans
    2. a green long sleeved T-shirt
    3. my favorite bra!
    THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:
    1. Coldplay
    2. Nickelback
    3. Marilyn Manson (although he's not really a band... kind of, but I really like his band)
    THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
    1. Blessid Union of Souls - "I Believe"
    2. Coldplay - "Don't Panic"
    3. Marilyn Manson - "Personal Jesus"
    THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
    1. a new school (huh, huh, huh....)
    2. living in the city
    3. walking on water that isn't really frozen
    THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
    1. a sense of humor
    2. someone who is understanding
    3. someone who isn't a crazy sex fiend ( "good luck with that one!")
    THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE GENDER/S YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
    1. eyes, (God, that kid Nick that I worked with had the nicest eyes I've ever seen!)
    2. hair that's a little longer, not extremely long though (except Johnny Depp)
    3. smile
    THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
    1. concentrate on anything
    2. start a script that I like
    3. give up junky foods
    THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
    1. writing (if I could sit down and do it that is)
    2. thinking about the future and hoe great it better be
    3. photography, my newest hobby!
    THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
    1. go back to the photo lab
    2. skip scriptwriting at 6:30
    3. go home and sleep in my own bed
    THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
    1. publisher
    2. historian of old British and American literature
    3. scriptwriter
    THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
    1. Maine
    2. Ireland
    3. Hawaii
    THREE KID'S NAMES
    1. Elijah
    2. Milo
    3. Marlon
    THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
    1. make 'Atlas Shrugged' into a movie (if this is the only thing I ever do with my life then I will die happy)
    2. make 'Welcome to the Monkeyhouse' into a movie
    3. make 'Mother of Pearl' into a movie
    ** along with a few other select projects that came straight from the ol' noggin

    Current Mood: anxious
    Current Music: 'Golden Girls' is on!
    Saturday, February 5th, 2005
    3:53 am
    I'm a little confused at the moment.
    Here's my dilemma:
    Things aren't right for me at the moment. Emotionally I'm fucked up. Maybe the fact that this is my last semester at Southampton has something to do with it, but I'm fucked up at the moment. And I really don't know what to do for myself in order to make it right.
    All I know is that I can't keep treating myself like this. Pretending that nothing is wrong, when in reality I just can't seem to make myself a whole person.
    I had a major breakdown, breakthrough, something like that, yesterday. I went home for the day and I was crying to my mom the entire day, about how I had a dream the other night that it was the last day at Southampton and I woke up and shit just wasn't right. It's like for the first time, it actually REALLY hit me that this was it. And I was no closer to becoming any more sane or trusting of others or anything like that. I thought that college would change things, and all I've succeeded in doing for myself is ignoring the fact that I need help. Not mental-institution help or anything. Not yet anyway. I'm scared to death of just living life in my head and never making it a reality. And it's terrible, but that's honestly what I feel is going to happen if I don't make some changes. And then I think that if I continue living life the way that I am now, it's going to drive me to do something extreme.
    Because in the last few months, I've just been having thoughts about life and where it is headed. And shit just looks so bleak right now. And that's not good at all.
    I'm just scared that I'm going to never do anything for myself. And I'm sick of everyone always telling me that if I want to make changes then I have to actually get out there and do it. The truth is is that I have no idea how to do that and I'm scared to death. I'm so scared.
    Like, for example, the whole relationship thing. I can't think of myself in a true relationship with anyone. I just can't picture myself in that role. At all. And nobody is ever going to understand that I have trust issues or that I had trust issues in the past and that's why I've never had a true relationship. They're going to think that I'm a freak and that it's just not going to work.
    I just don't want to be alone and without a true passion in my life, some job or something that makes me want to get up in the morning. I don't want to be one of those crazy people who ends up being institutionalized or something. I mean, why even live life if that's the way that it's going to end?
    So I need to do something for myself. I really do. So I'm considering dropping out of school for the rest of this semester.
    I know, shocking, isn't it? My mom mentioned it yesterday. Actually, she mentioned it last semester and I looked at her like she had two heads and I wouldn't even consider it. Not in the least. But yesterday, something clicked. Being in this place is draining the life out of me. I feel like I'm just waiting around for the inevitable and everyone is gone with the exception of a few people and every time I step out of my door it's just a reminder that I'm going to be completely lost next year. And each year, my helplessness just keeps growing and I can't take it anymore.
    Even if I don't drop out completely, I'm thinking about moving in back home. Even if I don't do that, I need to start seeing a counselor or something. Because I'm scared to death that this is what the rest of my life is going to be like. That I'm just going to be depressed in waiting around for something better to come along.
    But i just have to make decisions really fast, and I can't do that. Everyone who knows me knows that I love second guessing myself. And if I did drop out, I bet that it would have consequences. For instance, that would completely fuck up all of my applications to other schools. And how would I get recommendations if i wasn't still a student here? And then I think, why should all of that matter? If I'm better emotionally, shouldn't that count for something?
    So I have no idea. The thought of dropping out is scary as hell and a little dopey, but it feels like a relief. And I would definitely be going back next semester. I think I would go stir crazy after working for six months.
    I don't know. And I know that everyone is going to have a million different reasons as to why I shouldn't drop, but I just can't say I care at the moment. I have no idea what I'm going to do. And I have to decide soon. But I just don't know.
    Okay, I have work. So I should stop writing.
    Tuesday, February 1st, 2005
    1:17 pm
    I love the History Channel.
    I am thoroughly addicted to the History Channel. I watched the end of this program on Atlantis, and then something about the Seven Wonders of the World. Some of the stuff I don't like, but it's so interesting! Maybe I should do something with history, just analyze stuff and dig up artifacts.
    I especially love Ancient Rome and Greece. One fact that I've remembered since 9th grade World History with Mr. Ball is that the fall of Rome occurred in 476 A.D. I will never forget that.
    Anyway, classes are going okay, I guess. They're going to be difficult I think. My Edgar Allan Poe class is also a graduate class, and I have to do a 20-30 minute presentation about a Poe story. By the time I got up to the sign up sheet, there was nothing left but some of the "fudge" stories, as Robes calls them. I love Roberson, I'm sad that I only have him once a week. I just want for my presentation to be really impressive because I really like him a lot. Hmm.
    I have photography in like a half an hour and I'm not sure where the building is. It's only markes as "ST" and I have no idea what that means, there's no building or classroom or anything by that name. I even looked on the map and there was nothing. So I'm scared that it's going to be the wrong classroom or something like that. Boo.
    Okay, I'm going to head upstairs to Jen and Katy's room. It gets a little lonely sometimes down here by myself. They were having a party out in the suite last night and I felt left out.
    Okay, here I go. Bye!

    Current Mood: discontent
    Current Music: "The Way You Make Me Feel" Michael Jackson
    Sunday, January 30th, 2005
    1:03 pm
    2 hours till I'm back in Southampton
    I'm having mixed feelings about going back. I liked having some time off where the only thing that I had to worry about was whether or not I had to wake up "early" to go to work (the earliest I had to work was 10AM... I'm the laziest ass ever). I miss all of my friends, but I didn't miss all of the fabricated drama and junk. And the thought of being thrust back in the middle of that makes me really not miss that place at all. Also, just the fact that it's our last semester there is really depressing, but at the same time is a big relief.

    I was supposed to work today from 11-8 and then move in tonight. But then I called in. First of all, I decided to install Panther into my comp last night, and that took about 2 hours to do. So it was going on 1AM and I decided to take 2 Tylenol PM's to help me get to sleep so that I could wake up early and drive to SC, pick up my key, etc. etc. So I fell into this really heavy sleep and then wake up 4 hours later with the worst pain shooting through my shoulder and into the crook of my arm and my hand. I couldn't move my hand it was so bad. I was just sitting up and crying my eyes out and rubbing my arm trying to get the pain to go away... but of course, that was after about 10 minutes of tossing and turning, because I always wake up really groggy after taking those damn things. I should've known better. So I fall asleep about an hour later, because the pain wasn't as bad, and then woke up at 8:30 and called in. I didn't want to have to deal with the bullshit... never mind all of the lifting I would have to do. It still hurts so badly, I just want to cut it off.

    I'm kind of antsy to just drive out there and move in, but at the same time I really can't get everything hooked up and junk when I get there because a bunch of my stuff is still upstairs in my old room, and I can't get there till Jen or Katy move in. So I don't want to be sitting there with nothing to do and crap. So I figure that I'll leave here around 2:30ish. Maybe. I only hope that I can get my key. That would really suck if I couldn't, y'know? I'd probably just drive home and sulk for the night.

    Okay, I should go. I have to order Estelle's birthday present now. My procrastination skills are amazing!

    Current Mood: anxious
    Current Music: mmm... nothing
    Friday, January 28th, 2005
    3:34 pm
    Heyoo!
    Well, it's me! Just without all of the entries from last year. Or yesterday.
    So hi again!
    I figured that I would start this out on a hilarious note. Jess had this posted in her journal, and it made me bust a gut:
    ****************************************************************
    Tonights question:
    If you could re-cast any movie ever made using ONLY Jim Hensons muppets....what movie would you choose and name your cast:
    this is mine;
    The God-Muppet
    Kermit as Michael Corleone
    Statler & Waldorf as Clemenza and Tessio
    Animal as Luca Brazzi
    Rowlf as Tom Hagen
    Miss Piggy as Connie (who this time beats the living be-jeezus out of Carlo with a "Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeee-YAH!")
    Gonzo as Sonny
    Scooter as Fredo
    Sofia Coppola as an inanimate object
    John Goodman as Don Vito Corleone
    Alex Rocco as Moe Greene
    Waldorf: It's an old Sicilian message... Luca Brazzi sleeps with the fishes.
    Statler: I hope he doesn't get nervous or he might dry the bed.
    Both: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
    Either that; or muppet Se7en....once again with Kermit as Brad Pitt. Picture him flailing his little arms screaming
    "Whats in the box?!?!"
    ************************************************
    In the box, however, would be just a strip of bacon. And that would be all that he would have to see.
    Okay, so I move back into school on Sunday, even though I am working from 11-8 that day. So I have to start packing, or writing my essays, or something productive.
    Sarah came home today, and I'm excited!
    So I have to go do that right now.

    Current Mood: awake
    Current Music: Green Day "American Idiot" album
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