Today’s Homie: Borricua
Wow… what a week. Everything is so busy. Let me see… Samhain was ok I guess… I mean, it’s not the best one that I’ve done but, hey, oh well, right? I went trick-or-treating for about 40 minutes before Stephanie and I came back home… it was boring. However, I sucked some helium out of my brother balloons. THAT was fun. I love doing that. And then my grandma told me I should do that so I stopped. It really isn’t good for you. Anyways.
Sunday night… IT SUCKED. I finally broke down from all my stress. And the thing is, I didn’t go crying to Jesse, oh no, I went crying to Chris. It first started off with being upset about my academic award. I got a letter in the mail saying that I’d won an Academic Letter, which I thought was kewl! I mean, I’ve never gotten one… So I go to show my mom, who’s sitting on the computer. She reads it, looks up at me, raises her eyebrows and shrugs. JUST SHRUGS! Wholly friggin’ cow! Neither of my brothers have ever brought home an academic award and yet I sit here with the official letter in my hand and I get a damn shrug. I trudged back to my room, upset. I didn’t tell anyone else about it that night, but I did tell Chris and Jesse when I was online that night. At first, I was just mad. She should be proud of me for just once. Just once and I’d be happy! And then I started to cry. My mother has never been proud of me. She never will be. I’m the mistake in the family. The mistake that tries so hard to get passing grades in school. The mistake that will never amount to anything. She’s never pushed me to do anything, and I’m sure that some people would wish their moms didn’t push them but I do. She never tells me, “Yeah! You can do it!” or anything like that. When I tell her I want to do something, she just gives me that, “I gave birth to THAT!?” look and goes on her way. It pisses me off! Ok, so yeah I started crying. It took Jesse 20 minutes to realize I was extremely upset about this (and the stress 10 million other things) and was bawling, yet he didn’t come to my rescue. Chris did. It’s the first time in a long time that I’ve told him anything that has been bothering me. Long time. I ended up staying on until 12:45 Monday morning. For months now I haven’t let him hug me, and that night I let him. It hurts so much to think that I feel like I belong there yet I can’t be there. I was crying so hard that I was trembling and my desk was sopping wet with tears. I sat staring at his pic that I have on my wall and cried more. I love him so much and I can’t let him go… I try to think why I love him and it’s because he was the first person, other than a relative, to truly love me back. He cares about every little thing I have to say and who I am and so much more. We, however, live 2,700 miles apart and because of that, it can’t be. I think that Chris was the only person that saved my life that night… I would have sat there and dwelled on all of that and I probably would have cut something. Anything I could. Possibly anything that could end it. I don’t know. I guess that if I get like that again, and there’s no one to catch me on my downfall, you’ll soon be receiving a funeral paper. The hardest part of that night was when he hugged me… for some reason I wanted him too, as if it were some medical treatment that I needed desperately. And when he did, I spent a good while crying and shaking at my desk. It was like when he realized he loved me… he hugged me, wiped away my tears, and held my hand. That’s all I ever wanted. Someone who loved me, someone who’d wipe away my tears of unhappiness, someone to hold my hand to stop the shaking. And here he is, standing in front of me. I wish that we never broke up… it still hurts so much. And now that I think that he did that when he first realized he loved me, yet now, he doesn’t love me. It hurts…
The rest of the week has been pretty uneventful. I’ve stayed after for Make-up for a few days, missed Tuesday because I couldn’t get a ride. My friend Leah turned 16 on Thursday… her boyfriend came down from… where ever he was, to be with her. It was really sweet. I went to a T.A.G. (Teen Advocacy Group) meeting (the first!) on Thursday too… I wanted to enter my drawing in the contest but, well, it had to be in on Monday, and mine obviously wasn’t. So neither Melissa or I could enter. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have won though. My story wasn’t finished when Melissa called to pick me up, so I didn’t even get the chance to TRY and enter it. It’s my Rosalynn story for all of you that have read it (or at least up to Chapter 2). I told Chris last night that I was thinking of deleting it… or just stopping with it because I haven’t gotten anywhere on it. He was upset that I wanted to do that and protested against me doing so… oh well. And then there’s today. It’s long! I’ve gotten homework in EVERY SINGLE CLASS with the exception of Improv. I finished the Chem stuff and Wendy will be bringing the stuff over for the STI… No, not STD, STI. We got human papilloma virus, also known as genital warts. Oh. Joy. I can’t wait to see pics! NOT! I got a glance at some earlier in the week and I literally almost threw up, but then again I was feeling pukey sick all day. I stayed after for make up… Jacklyn pisses me off and I all feel that you should know that. Well, I supervised Beth doing Steve’s makeup today. She’s improving, it’s good. ^.^ and plus, Steve is really cute in a dorky way. You know those guys… tall, skinny… he’s got amazing eyes though! Brown and long lashes. Cutie… so I might be spendin’ more time with him… but I first have to get Jesse off my back… which leads me to my next paragraph….
I sent an e-mail to my friend Joce a while back. She replied and told me some things about Jesse that made me think. He’s pushing me into something I don’t want…. I mean, yeah, he asked me out and I said yes, but now it’s like he’s clinging to me because he can’t live without me. I don’t want that. And I have absolutely no feelings for the guy. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I’ve tried, don’t think I haven’t, but there’s nothing there. Didly squat. I don’t know if I’ll have the heart to do it to the poor guy, but I’m going to soon… possibly before my birthday, which is next Sunday. I’ll have to do it before than. That weekend is also opening weekend and if I’m not happy on opening weekend again, it’ll be that damn miserable experience all over again. I didn’t go to “Magic Moments” (the entire cast and crew hold hands and sings to the song) one time because I was so upset. I almost started crying during one of them… No. I don’t want that. So, soon… it has got to end.
So yeah… that’s about everything. I’m sorry that this is so long and I bet that some of you are looking at me saying I’m crazy but, hey, I know I am. Thanks. I prefer odd though…