D's Blurty -- Entries

D's Blurty Entries

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out for a bit [29 May 2005|09:43pm]

[ mood | happy ]

[ music | ani difranco-callous ]

today has been awesome. everything seems perfect. a day out with friends, jess, liss and britt. we have so much fun together. i invited sam but she had work and a cook out to go to but i'm supposed to be picked up in a couple minutes to go over and sleep over at her uncle's house. maybe getting a bit drunk. lol. fun shit. liss is asleep, we had a tiring day. whew. lol. we walked to kmart, i got some guys jeans, yesterday liss and i went shopping, i got some stuff from old navy. i'll go into detail tomorrow. i have to do my science notebook tomorrow too. DAMN IT TO HELL! lol. oh well. i'm so fucking hyper and having a good day. i'm actually truely happy for once...with my friends. i don't need a lover all the time, it just appeared to me. i can be happy just with friends. and it feels good not to depend on sam all the time. i love her a lot...so fucking much but we have our differences and she understands the weight that friends have on us. it's good that way. we don't consume all of each others time. i have plenty to be with jess and britt and all them. she has time to be with ness and dawn and all her friends. *sigh* it's so good.

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this needs no title [27 May 2005|09:58pm]

[ mood | pensive ]

[ music | crossfade-starless ]

picture whoring all day. fun shit. lol. see my myspace if you want to see them...or my livejournal. i've been talking to casey lately. she's really cool and i really enjoy talking to her, today we were just saying eternal sunshine quotes back and forth and telling each other our favorite parts and talking about the chick that plays clem. she's so pretty! lol. (clem not casey...casey's a cutie though) sam don't take offence to that! lol. i let liss see some pictures of her cuz well liss has a girl crush on casey. lol. i find it so amusing.

tomorrow i have to go out and have a "family day" oh goody. lol. yeah, sure. i probably won't be home till like 10. blah. i hate that. i like to stay home or go out with friends. but sunday and monday i'll probably be with jess or someone. after i do my science notebook that is. grr. i hate science but i need to get a good grade so i don't fail. i hate failing but i'm failing that class. *whines* arg. oh well i'll work hard on the notebook and hopefully i have all the packets and can finish it this weekend. in mrs. drost's i have a 95% which is very good.

hmm...what to say now? sam's uncle came today...she was happy about it which makes me happy cuz when she's in a good mood it gets me in one too. yep. lol. but she's been tired...when is she not?! lol. i hope one night she could sleep over, i'd let her sleep late or until i got lonely waiting for her to wake up. hehe. knowing it if she ever slept over i'd be up around 7 and i'd like make her breakfast in bed or something. i like doing stuff like that. hehe. maybe she wouldn't be sleepy then. hehe. i wish she'd sleep over though, that'd be fun...(shut up you perverts!) lol. we don't spend that much time together anymore and it saddens me very very much.

ok, i think i shall leave now

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things going ok [26 May 2005|05:54pm]

[ mood | cheerful ]

[ music | Dane Cook ]

on my walk home i talked to leah for the first time in awhile. it was good, i missed talking to her, she's probably one of the coolest 11th graders i know. lol. aside from sam of course. today was good. sam seemed to be in a good mood which made me happy. after school at silks practice i was playing around doing the rountine thingy over and over and she was calling me a show off. lol. i wasn't showing off i just like to do it, i love silks. and then when i was trying to help jess get one part down sam came up and kissed me. *blushes* hehe. everytime we hugged in the hall she kissed me on the cheek, i love anytime she kisses me it always puts me in the best of moods.

in french we continued watching 'chocolat' which is a good movie, but...eh. not a favorite. but britt and ally were making a big deal when johnny depp came on. lol. it was funny. and ally was giving us all lollipops. hehe. yum. second period i wrote a note to sam and doodled on some notebook paper because kim wasn't there for me to talk to and jess came in late so i had no one to pass notes to. i would've written something for angelo but i wasn't in a sadistic mood and i doubt he'd want to read my lovey shit. lol. i wish he'd get his cast off so we could add to each others stories again. =( lol. he's my writing buddy and when he can't write with me it makes me sad. he's probably my favorite guy friend aside from chris. i love chris, he's awesome and he's so sweet. i could spill out my guts to him and know that he'd listen to every word. he's been there for the past 5 months, he'd talk to joe for me when we were having problems and he'd tell me what joe would say about me. he's respectful of me too. like he's not the kind of guy that treats me different or goes easy on me cuz i'm a girl. he treats me just like i'm one of the guys. i miss hanging out with them. with guys...i don't have anything to live up. i can be myself, i can drink beer with them, talk about chicks, i can curse and act like the person i really am. they don't mind if i show my tough side. (yeah i actually am such a tomboy if you really know me)

i miss the country some what, because i'm am a tomboy. so much! lol. liss thinks it too. like yeah, i wear dresses, skirts, low cut shirts and act girly a lot but if you get me out in the country i'll be tough and rough. me and kris used to rockclimb and go canoeing and...if i fell off the cliff i'd get back up, wipe the blood off my face or knees and start right back climbing. i used to climb in my bra too in the summer when it was really hot. i'd shove my shirt into a pocket and climb in my bra or if i had a wifebeater i'd be in that. and then we'd go swimming. i miss it. i miss walking to the lake after getting off the bus and driving into the ice cold lake, walking home in wet cloths and having them dry by the time we'd get back to my house. we used to go up to John and Ann's to play with their 20 cats and 1 dog, Tucker. and we'd go down that cliff to kris' house and watch movie's, play video games or just sit in her room talking. we used to be like best friends. i don't know what happened to that. it disappeared. i just wish for one day i could go out to the country with my friends only and hang out, show them how boyish i am. lol.

i talk so much about sam. i think it's starting to bother my friends. lol. i don't know, she's always on my mind so that's what i end up talking about.

final's are stressing me out. *sigh* i think my science notebook is due tomorrow but i don't know. i'm screwed if it is. SHIT! grr. damn it to hell. oh well.

i'm out for now. toodles all.

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it seems so hard right now [25 May 2005|10:58pm]

[ mood | determined ]

[ music | Anna Nalick-Breathe ]

i don't know why i do this. i'm so happy and content but still i find things to complain about. i ruined another time with sam. i don't know why i have to be so...difficult. i don't want to be, i don't want to be sour and seem upset all the time. i don't want to have something she says bothering me. i just get worried that she's too insecure with me, i know she is but...i wish i could reassure her. i wish i could seem as happy as i feel. i do feel...just so great with her. i just, i can't show it. i dont' know why i try to but it doesn't come out the way i want it to. and when i was beening all moody tonight when she came over and laid with me, let me hold her and she hugged me. i didn't want to be on the brink of crying because it felt so nice having her there. we don't talk on the phone at night that much now. she's always tired so i let her sleep. are we becoming distant? too much? i know there are things on her mind and i'm probably not being much of a help with the things i write. i don't want her getting distant and i know she doesn't want to ditch her friend or anything(which is really a good thing because ashley seems to have no time for us anymore and it just is starting to bother me cuz i miss hanging out with her) and i respect that but i wish she was less distant. i can't help but hope she'll confide in me. i'd keep anything and everything she told me to myself, but i don't like the thought of her relief being getting high and drunk. it doesn't seem right to me.

i just don't want us to grow apart because i love her with all of my entire heart and soul. she's so much to me now. i'd do anything for her, i'd die for her, i'd kill for her....i'd live for her and i'll trust her with everything if that's what she wants me to do. i just want to please her as good as i can. i want to please everyone but it seems so hard right now, and i feel that i'm failing everyone's expectations. that i can't please them and be what they want me to be. but for sam...i'll be whatever she wants me to be. i'll stop cutting, i'll tell her straight out what's bothing me, i'll get drunk with her and high. i want her to be with me and be happy with me. i can't believe i'm crying...but that's how much i want this to work, that's how much i want to make her feel happy and secure. i want her with me, i want to give her hugs, kiss her cheek when she's upset, whisper that i love her when we're laying in bed listening to music, i want to be in her arms, i want to make her laugh and see her smile because she really is beautiful to me when she smiles. i just love everything about her, the way she dresses, how she wears her hat all the time, the way she writes and addresses her notes to me and never fails to remind me that i'm hers. how she always tells me she's mine, how she thinks that annoying strand of hair that always falls down in my face is so cute, how she reminds me how beautiful she thinks i am, and how she moves her hands over my skin. i love it all.

i'm going to bed now. i'm sorry to disgust anyone with all the lovey stuff. i don't want her to get distant that's all.

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all in a days work [23 May 2005|03:53pm]

[ mood | cheerful ]

[ music | Ani Defranco-Swan Dive ]

so i said i'd update when i got home and here i am. i stayed 8th today originally to wait for sam but i ended up learning some new stuff for silks. it's fun but i'm so bad at it! lol. then sam came down and i stayed a bit longer, i almost hit jess(b.) like 3 times in the head. lol...oops! and i kept changing outside. i took off my jeans(i had a skirt over it don't worry) and then i decided to put them back on and sam was like watching me lol. but it was fun, i like silks a lot and if i am still here *prays for a miracle that we stay* i'd have so much fun going to games and shit and hanging out with everyone else in silks. me, kim, and jess are the new additions i guess. the freshmen. lol.

dad and steff went to york. so i can't have sam over. the little fuckers. blah. i didn't get to see her like at all this weekend and they just have to decide to leave for today but liss is going for a walk so when she gets back maybe if sam's allowed out we can go somewhere.

I MIGHT GO TO TWIST ON FRIDAY!!!! woot! traci said she might go so i'd go with her and then stay the night at jess' cuz i may get some rum...shhh! lol. and jess wants some so i'd go to twist then crash at jess' house for the night so i don't go home drunk. lol. sam can't go though cuz her uncle's coming and she's got to go out to dinner but she's like saying how i better flirt with anyone cuz ness and dawn would be there and they could find out if i did. i won't though. i love her too much, i wouldn't go and like flirt with some other chicks or cheat on her. blah. i'd never do that to her. but i just hope that i go! i can't wait!! and if traci goes, even if she's straight i bet she'd still have fun. lol.

kayla got into a fight with monica today!! i hate monica, so i'm glad that kayla got a good 3 punches in. she even punched a teacher!! lol. i wish i'd have seen it. me and kayla want to start shit with monica on the last day just to get into a fight with her and beat the fucking shit out of that dumbass bitch. i hate her for all the shit she says behind my back and then how she acts all nicey-nice to my face. i mean geez, if you're gonna talk shit about me do it to my face.

mr. johnson said how he saw me at the fine arts festival with what he mistaked for my boyfriend. lol. he thought sam was a guy! lol. i thought it was really funny and then i'm just like no that was my girlfriend and he just looked at me. sam was like "he knows me though! how did he think i was a guy?" i don't know, it was funny.

i hate the cupcakes more now. she goes today and asks me my last name and i'm like "sions" and she's like well i read something in the 1st floor bathroom about you. and i knew she was talking about the thing that i fucked joe and she's like "well is it true" and i really didn't say anything and she gives me this dirty ass look! i swear i wanted to punch her fucking ugly ass face in! i think she's jealous cuz no one in their right mind would want to go and fuck that thing. her and all her fat hanging out. it's so nasty. lol. oh well.

i'm out for now. toodles all.

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morning fog [23 May 2005|07:17am]

[ mood | curious ]

[ music | Jewel-Serve the Ego ]

i'm gonna write a quick 10 minute entry before i leave to meet sam at the rite aid to walk to school. i need to start studying for finals...blah! lol. *sigh* somethings really bothering sam, i know it but i can't get it out of her and i wish i could cuz if she tells me and vents and shit she'll feel better. i don't mind listening, i mean i'm her girlfriend i'm hear to love her and make her feel better and i can't do that if she doesn't tell me what's bothering her so much. i don't know. i just want to make her feel better since she's been so down lately. makes me want to cry. my left eye hurts like a bitch!!! lol. ok i have to put my shit in my bag and leave in like 5 minutes but i'll try to update after school.

oh by the way, me and traci had the best fucking conversation last night about the cupcakes(aka-justine) lol. we're so horrible and hilarious at the same time. i'm in love with us!! hehe. toodles for now.

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The biography of a dark day [22 May 2005|08:40pm]

[ mood | horny ]

[ music | Rilo Kiley-With Arms Outstretched. ]

days like today are sleeping days. and of course i'm not one to sleep today. i stayed awake and read while the rest of the house was dead with everyone in bed. it's weird how the way a day seems makes people act a certain way. but i got a good read in today, a fair 150 pages read in "the Queens Fool" a historical fiction about the reign of Queen Mary and Elizabeth of England. i love historical fictions that take place around that time. i love anything medival really, or around the renaissants time(i spelled it wrong i know), i wish that i could get one of those really pretty gothic dresses. for my birthday, that'd be so awesome. i'd like wear it to school! lol. mom's gonna get me this black cape from the forget me not factory for my birthday! i can't wait. i love it so much and it'd be perfect for winter, pale girl in the snow with a black cape swirling around her in the wind. hehe.

vintagedevil 101: do you have a b/f?
snappXage890: Nope. There are two guys I like, one is ubershy and is hard to talk to, the other, well we are just friends.
vintagedevil 101: aww, ubershy ones are the best. lol. i'm like that now. i get soo fucking shy! lol.
vintagedevil 101: is he cute though?
snappXage890: Same here. I'm really shy. And he's adorable.
vintagedevil 101: lol. you should try talking to him.
snappXage890: I have.
vintagedevil 101: just go up to him and be like "i'm gonna marry you, i know it"

i'm talking to kate! woot! i haven't talked to her in awhile, friends for what...9 years now? wow, that's a long fucking time! lol. i still remember like everything about her. we used to make little friendship bracelets all the time for each other. and in the summer she used to come over all the time cuz we had a pool and we used to go swimming. i miss her. i hope we can get together for a weekend in the summer at my mom's. hopefully. for the past 2 summers i've been trying to get together with her but she's always so busy. i told her we're supposed to be moving this summer but she's hear that like 4 times in the past 2 years that we've been talking more.

Mugglebornwicth2: hey
vintagedevil 101: hi
vintagedevil 101: i'm talking to my friend from like 9 fucking years ago!!!!
vintagedevil 101: i'm so happy. lol
Mugglebornwicth2: lol
vintagedevil 101: we better still be friends in 9 years. or i'll cry
Mugglebornwicth2: we will be
vintagedevil 101: promise?
Mugglebornwicth2: yes i promise with all my heart
vintagedevil 101: ok
vintagedevil 101: yay!
vintagedevil 101: we could move into an apartment in Manhatten and i could buy expensive shoes and you could chop your hair and go to lesbian bars. lol
Mugglebornwicth2: lol
vintagedevil 101: sound like a good plan?
Mugglebornwicth2: yup
Mugglebornwicth2: lol
vintagedevil 101: ok, i'll start saving money for the apartment starting tuesday. hehe.
Mugglebornwicth2: lol
vintagedevil 101: i love you

hehe. so in 9 years i'll be...24(right out of college!) and be living in Manhatten with sam if anyone want to know. lol. that would be so cool if that was exactly were i was in 9 years. i can imagine it, living with her and all. lol. i'm so silly i know i shouldn't get myself thinking like that but it's so nice to think about. having her all to myself for like the rest of my life. now this thought is making me all happy. lol. alright i'm really happy/hyper/horny. lol. the 3 H's!!! hehe. toodles all

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jealously is the worst policy [21 May 2005|09:53pm]

[ mood | morose ]

[ music | unto ashes-i cover you with blood ]

why do i feel like such a fucking moron?? oh i know why, because i didn't go to NYC and have a great time with liss, no i stayed home waiting to have the weekend that sam had talked about which didn't happen. i got to walk around a stupid wilkes barre festival where all the "art" was shit and all so mediocre. am i a bitch for thinking all of this? i'm mad cuz i didn't go to NYC and have a great time and because my girlfriend always seems to rather be with her friends than with me. maybe that's just how fucking boring i am. but seriously sam's always with ness or dawn or one of her ex girlfriends, and i get jealous cuz not once have i had just a whole day with her because she's always leaving to go be with someone else and then she gets mad when there's a mark on my neck and obviously thinks i'm cheating on her. but i hear stories of girls getting all up on ness and dawn having to like throw them off her at twist and sam goes like every friday, how do i know she's not fucking cheating on me!? she could. *sigh* i feel like i'm gonna cry because it just feels like no one fucking wants to be with me, and yeah there's reasoning not to want to be with me. i know i'm a bitch, i'm too dependent on others and i'm just...worthless. but....i just wish someone would want to be with me for once over everyone else in their life. god, i can't believe i'm crying. the 3rd fucking time today! i guess it doesn't help that i'm listening to goth music. and waiting for sam to call which i know she will but am kinda hoping she won't because i don't want her to know i'm weak and i don't want to speak all this to her even though she'll read it tomorrow probably. i get so scared that she'll be the one to leave me because i know i won't leave her voluntarily.

it doesn't help that liss comes in and tells me that NYC was the best time she's had and that i missed out soooo much. nice way to make me feel better. i'm sorry for having the stupid hope that everything would've gone right today and think that sam was gonna be here right now and she'd stay the night. of course i should've known that it wouldn't have happened. it never will. no one wants to be here with me...no one wants to fucking sleep in the same bed with me. god, i feel so fucking worthless and empty. i hate when last year starts to slowly repeat itself all over again. now all i need is some tough chick to threaten to slice my stomach open and i'll be back to last year. i'm going now i'm a fucking emotional mess.

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depressed and worthless [21 May 2005|07:35pm]

[ mood | scared ]

[ music | kent ]

i feel so fucking lonely and she can't come down to see me. and i hate crying but it just came out and i don't know why. i'm so sensitive right now, i get jealous so easily and then i cry at stuff like her not being able to come down and see me. but that's what really gets me through the day, having her here with me and when she doesn't come i get...so lonely and i feel worthless. i hate how dependent i am on her. i hate being dependent on anyone but especially her cuz she doesn't want me to be cuz then it'll be harder to let her go when i finally move. and i know i shouldn't get attached to her but it's so hard not to because....i don't know. i'll shut up. i'm probably gonna go to sleep now. i don't want her to hear me cry on the phone if she calls back.

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good day today [20 May 2005|07:39pm]

[ mood | loved ]

[ music | nightwish-the siren ]

today's been good. we have a test on monday in french which i shall fail because mr. johnson can't teach french for shit and i wish i still had madam chavel because she taught us in a way we'd remember everything. yep. but..yeah. i had a study hall both 2nd and 3rd which were both boring, lunch was...blah. jess made me go down to the gym before lunch to get her out of 8th period and i said "i'm not supposed to be walking! i'm fat, it's against my diet!!" and she thought it was hilarious. lol. frankie was down there and wouldn't open the damn door for us. oh, and i talked to chris 2nd which was cool since i never talk to any of my guy friends anymore. he was telling me how they all go down to the sterling hotel at night now and fool around in this one room. i told him how i want to hang with them and all i just don't want it to be awkward with joe but he said they barely hang out with him anymore. so maybe i will. he told me if i want to hang out i could go over his house this weekend or just hang out at the sterling until they get there. maybe i will. i dunno. liss is mad at me cuz i haven't talked to her in 2 days. ok, yesterday i was extremely pissed/depressed and she would've just told me to stop being like and today i was with sam. tomorrow we go to NYC. blah. i guess i'll go to convention since they'll be nothing better to do unless dad lets me go to the metro. but i doubt it. so i'll spend the day writing i guess. maybe it'll be ok. i still wish i was staying home with sam, she said she'd spend the day with me sunday though cuz she left me and i was pouting cuz i didn't want her to go.

i finished what i started today! woot! lol. sorry but i'm proud of myself. hehe. she didn't think i'd do it so half of me doing it was to prove her wrong and the other reason was cuz i knew i'd have to do it sooner or later so might as well do it when i had already gotten her sides. lol. and then she's just "you know you're next, right?" and then she doesn't do it! blah. lol. that's why i didnt' want her to go, and cuz i miss her when she leaves. i get so sad. =( i was pouting the whole time she was getting ready to leave, the usual routine, finding her glasses, re-doing her hair, putting on her shoes and hat..ect. i was laying in bed pouting and i wouldn't give her a kiss or say i love you. i hate it when she leaves me.

finals are coming up in like a week or so. *sigh* i'm kinda stressed cuz i really need a good grade on all of my finals. especially shafer's and mcandrew's class cuz i'm doing so bad in both of them. i have like an overall average of 76% or 81%(i can't remember) blah. i hate that class though.

ohh! i don't have to go to new york now! WOOT! score one for the loser with the spoon! *does a dance* i called sam to tell her but she just had to be driving and couldn't talk so dawn(i think it was) told me she'd tell her to call me back but i don't know if she did cuz i had to help dad pack the car. he's just gonna take liss up so i'm home alone with steff and lj(blah) but oh well i get to see sam tomorrow hopefully!!! hehe. i'm so happy.

liss told me why she's been so...angry. it's stuff to do with kyle. i really think that she should just tell him that she loves him so much and to stop talking about these other girls around her. it's not fair to her, and i know how she feels cuz i really do hate it when sam talks about her ex's and stuff. it ticks me off a bit. like when she tells me things her and ness or meg did. it's like...i don't tell her all the shit i did with she who shall not be named(hehe) or joe cuz i know she doesn't like hearing about it. *shrugs* i just don't like the way kyle treats liss sometimes.

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bad day [19 May 2005|09:11pm]

[ mood | melancholy ]

[ music | evanescence-farther away ]

she makes everything better, even though i was sitting there crying and shaking, she makes everything so much better. she made me smile and laugh a bit and held my hand to keep it from shaking...she made me look on the bright side. i thought everyone knew i was moving sooner or later. i knew it but it just hit me today, i feel so horrible for starting something with her that i won't be able to finish(nothing sexual this time). i knew i was going to be moving probably this summer, i shouldn't have gone and started dating her. i don't want to hurt her at all. i wish so badly to talk dad into letting me stay home. maybe i'll OD or do something to make me seem really sick and then tell him i can't go so i can stay home with sam. ODing is easy i'd just have to make myself throw up right after before it all hits me, then i'd pass out. blah. i hate passing out but...maybe i'll do something to make myself seem sick to get out of going. if not i'm staying in the motor home the whole day while they're there and think about her and sleep. i don't want to go out into NYC and have to pretend to be having a good time when all i'd be thinking about would be being home with sam, talking, listening to music...so on and so forth. she said we'd make the time i have left here perfect but she already makes everything seem perfect. i wish i could be optimistic as she seems, my thoughts are that she'll end up like all of the people i used to know. never talk to me, barely know me anymore and slowly the letters/emails/phone calls will stop. that's what i'm scared of but knowing it dad'll end up moving us to Ohio instead of Nevada and i'll only be a state away or whatever which wouldn't be too bad. i really wish i'd gone to maryland now. it wouldn't be that bad in maryland. i don't know. i'm rambling now. i just love her so much and am so far in love with her that she's the one thing i don't want to lose. my friends come and go, i go through friends like lj goes through the food in the house(which is pretty damn fast) but sam's not a friend, she's everything to me. i'd do anything for her. i have to remember to give her the razor tomorrow morning, she made me promise not to do anything and to give it to her. i do love how much she cares, for once i do feel like i'm wanted...i've never really felt that. (corny sounding i know shut up) i'm gonna go now. night.

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i hate him [19 May 2005|03:42pm]

[ mood | pissed off ]

[ music | crossfade-cold ]

i hate how he decided what the hell i'm doing for the weekend. i don't fucking want to go to NYC, i hate being with them they're all assholes. i don't want to fucking spent a whole fucking day with them when i could be at home with sam. i ain't going i swear i'm not. i told him i'm not going. and i ain't. i hate him, he makes all his fucking plans and expects me to work around them and i'm sick of it. he can work around my plans for once they can go have a nice day up in NYC but i don't want to put up with lj's bossy ass shit, steff's homophobic talk, dad's freaking out over anything and liss' moodyness. she's so fucking moody now. like i can't even talk to her without her acting like i'm some little kid and not her sister who's been there for her. i'm not going though. i'm not gonna spend a day in NYC doing what they want. cuz knowing it we'd end up going only where steff and lj want to go and i'd have to be dragged along into stores of shitty clothes and stupid stuff. not like they'd let me go hang at the metreo all day or anything. and i don't want to go to the workshop anymore. i don't write and when i do it's all shitty. and it has no point to it so trying to improve it is a waste of time. i'd rather stay home and be with sam, happy. and not having to deal with some fucking spoiled 9 year old acting like he's my fucking parent.

*sigh* i joined silks. only cuz sam told me too. *shrugs* it'll give me something to do i guess, so i don't have to sleep to pass the time. everything seems so...blah now. i'm so pessimistic. i got a fucking 72% on shafer's test. i even studied on it! i can't believe it. i need to get like a 100% on that final or i'm screwed. i hate how my grades are dropping to so low. nothing seems to stay in my mind anymore. i'm so fucked up. sometimes i think i should start cutting cuz that's what used to make me think straight. now everything so confusing to me. it used to relief me and now i have no relief i can't talk it off, i'm not a talker. and writing doesn't help me anymore. music...nothing. i get violent all the time but no one notices cuz i don't want to hit anyone. sometimes i think i'm just gonna let it loss on someone. just beat the fucking shit out of someone at school. and my hands are shaking. i'm so tempted to cut. i need it. fuck it. bye.

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and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind... [18 May 2005|10:13pm]

[ mood | hopeful ]

[ music | sixpence none the richer-Puedo Escribric ]

the motorcycle diaries is a good fucking movie! go watch it right now, bitches! lol. i'm hyper and ashley is still determined to see sam and i kiss. lol. i told her that i'll bring sam down to the band room tomorrow after 7th and if no ones really around we'll kiss. lol. she's so happy and all. i love my ash-a-hum-a-ly!!!! i shall miss her so much when she leaves this weekend. =( i don't know if the parents are going away for the weekend. i think they've decided on NYC now i just hope they let me stay home i really have no desire to go now. i mean, yeah the writers conference is pretty cool but it probably won't be as fun as staying home with sam over on saturday maybe twist(for my first time!) on friday night. i'd love to have her all to myself all weekend. hehe. falling asleep with her saturday night and wake up next to her on sunday morning. geez, i'm so hopeless when i'm dating. lol. i never shut up about her i know! i should edit everything i write about her out and put it in a private entry so i don't torture everyone with it. everyone thinks it's so cute but i bet you're all secretly thinking "god, will she just shut the fuck up!" lol. tomorrow i get to wear my JC was a streaker shirt!!! woot *does a little fun dance*

ARG!!! my wrist itches really bad and i scrathed it but it won't stop itching. ahh! *runs around in circles hopelessly, sits on the ground abruptly and stares at a banana* hehe. i'm such a dork. but yes they better go away so i can be alone. i love being alone at home, i get a bit paranoid but i go around blasting Evanescence and singing/screaming. plus i get to eat whatever the hell i want and drink anything. ohh...the beer in the fridge. hehe. beers nasty though, i <3 liquor better. ok, i have nothing more to say. toodles!

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aww! [18 May 2005|07:46pm]

[ mood | amused ]

[ music | HIM-join me in death ]

my wife is leaving me on friday at 3:45 am for boston. this saddens me so much. therefore i am to bake her goods incase she gets hungry along her hard journey.

hehe. i love ashley.

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blah blah day [18 May 2005|03:37pm]

[ mood | bored ]

[ music | franz ferdinand-40 feet ]

i hate being sick. blah. lol. i tried updating last night and i had this really long entry but the stupid piece of shit(aka-my computer) goes and wouldn't post it and said there was an error. so i click "back" and the entry is gone. grr. it made me so fucking mad. cuz i was like having a break down and spilled out my guts into that entry. hehe. i have oreas i got from mrs. drost. mmm. lol. i'm a dork. i went to the liberary today to take shaffer's test, that's one down 2 more to go till i'm caught up. i think i did fairly good on the test too considering i only studies for about 20 minutes. i have to still take cooper's test(and hand in that formislism paper in) and mcandrews. i think i'll finish with my formalist paper tonight and start working on my mythological paper. i actually love it when we have to write papers in cooper's. it's always something really cool. like this paper we were just assigned was about symbolism in "Great Expectation" we have to pick three forms of symbolism. i can't explain it real well but i'm gonna do; The Good Mother/Terrible Mother, Water, and Serpent. we have to show how those things are portrayed though out the novel. those three i can be creative with which is good cuz i can't stand doing something really mediocre. but i'm probably gonna take mcandrew's test either friday or monday. and coopers i'll take friday 8th period probably. when i went to take shaffer's test, sam and her friends just happen to come in. lol it totally threw me off of my concentration. i don't know if she noticed how i was looking over at her like every 5 minutes. lol. but yeah, she came over gave me a note...even when she types them up they're short, lol. but before lunch we hugged and on my way out to the turf someone said something, it didn't really bother me for the first time though which is good. i guess i'm getting used to it now. *shrugs* people are stupid, if these girls have a problem with me being with sam they can just go fondle their boyfriends at the bottom of the stair way and get out of my life. ok, i don't know what else to write so i'll go. toodles.

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quizzy [17 May 2005|04:59pm]

[ mood | calm ]

[ music | hawksley workman ]

You scored as Mermaid. Mermaid: Mermaids are also known as Sirens. These creatures were beautiful women who tricked sailors into becoming completely entranced by their haunting voices and found death soon after. Not all stories of Mermaids are about gentle loving sea people. They are mystical, magical, and extremely dangerous. They have a way about them that brings anyone they are around to seem enchanted. They are very mysterious creatures and to meet one... Would mean certain Death. Let the song of the Sea fill your soul, for you are a Mermaid.

Mermaid
84%
WereWolf
75%
Faerie
75%
Angel
75%
Dragon
50%
Demon
17%

What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!)
created with QuizFarm.com

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funny convos and lovely nights [16 May 2005|09:09pm]

[ mood | calm ]

[ music | death cab for cutie-tiny vessels ]

so she was right. she'd leave and i'd go onto blurty and write about how she upset me or something. but it's not that she upset me, it's that she makes me feel so great but makes me worry about her. sometimes i think that she's hiding so much from me that i will never be able to get out of her. i wish she'd just break down once and tell me everything that she thinks about, i wish she'd let me see her cry. i bet i'd still think she was beautiful. i just worry that if she keeps it in for too long she may...start cutting or something again. i know it's doubtful but i get so worried about her and i don't want her hurt. i'd even let her hit me if it made her feel better and got her happy and feeling better again. i want her content because she gives me the best feeling in the world everytime she's with me, everytime we're laying in my bed. and tonight the way we were playing around. i wrote her a poem but i didn't want her to read it so i hide under my covers the whole time she read it and then she came over and tried to get me to come out and we were just fooling around. it just made me feel good. with joe it was all about sex, and anything sexual but with sam it's talking and playing around. i feel safe with her but i know she's worried i'll leave her and i wish i could prove to her that i'm not going to. being with joe was far more a novelty for me then being with her. if you have read my journal for the past 5 months you would see the difference. when joe and i started going out i was all worry all "i want to break up with him" but with sam i didn't have any of those thoughts. i'm not regretting it, i'm not in a rush to break up at all, i'm not making up excuses. *sigh* i just wish she'd tell me things.

ok, this is far too funny to not put in here. i love my convo's with my damn californian(aka-rob)

vintagedevil 101: damn californians.
vintagedevil 101: lol
Chikorith: i agree that its a bad word, but in some situations you say it. like if your reading a book aloud. you say it cuase thats what the auther meant
Chikorith: hey hey hey hey hey!!!
Chikorith: don;t go making this personal!
Chikorith: %-)
vintagedevil 101: lol. you could've just said damn easterners but at least we have fashion sense! hehehehe. j/k
Chikorith: lol
vintagedevil 101: :-P
Chikorith: hey, tie-dye is so in right now
vintagedevil 101: ...........you have not been catching up on your vogue lately have you? tie-dye was in....3 seasons ago!
Chikorith: OH NO YOU DID NOT!!!! *snaps finger wildly in the air*

hehehehehehehehehehe. love! alright. night all.

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corny poem i wrote for sam, she'll never read it. [16 May 2005|04:17pm]

[ mood | artistic ]

[ music | ani difranco-make me stay ]

How is it that every time I look at you I feel so wonderful,
But in my mind I think how I must seem like a child to you,
And you’re just a crazy mixture that I’ve made up out of fun.
That every time you look at me you see me as someone who’ll leave you when they’re unsure,
Who you think of as child that you’re a play toy for,
Who’ll get bored and throw you aside.

How is it that every time I look at you I feel that you doubt me?
Every time you look at me you see right through me but miss the point,
Every time you see me you don’t see how I really am.
That I’m not like all the other,
That I’m different and not in a way to make myself sound cliché

I hate the way you don’t trust me,
I hate it when you think I’m jealous.

I hate it when you read me like a book when no one else has been able to do that before,
How you know that I’m thinking something I don’t want you to know,
How you know that I’m shy only because of you.

And there’s all that I love about you that you don’t understand,
The way you move the hair out of my face when we’re laying in my bed,
The way you act all tough even when I can tell you’re crying on the phone,
How you hold my hand and tell me I’m so beautiful and that you wish I could see what you see.
The hugs you give me in the morning that seem to last forever,
How you get mad when I show off my low self esteem and build me up with compliments.

But when I tell you how I’m falling for you, you still ask me why,
What there is to love about you when all you feel is that you’re everyone’s trash,
The one no one wants to keep,
I want to keep you and feel so good with you.

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home from school [16 May 2005|03:05pm]

[ mood | horny ]

[ music | crossfade-disco ]

today was alright. i just got home from school. we have 2 tests tomorrow but i get 2 extra days for being absent. woot! sam left early, around 3rd period i think. very sad. she's really depressed but she won't elaborate on why. i wish she would but it's not like i'm gonna force her into telling me i just wish she would so maybe i could help or at least try to make her feel better. i wrote her a note to make her feel better and doodled all over it. lol. i'm in a very artsy mood today. i ordered 4 new shirts off of threadless last night so hopefully they come in the mail soon. woot! i got one that says "JC was a streak", a yellow one with a pretty picture, a brown one that says "i'm the red cloud sunset in the sky, paint me" and i got a green shirt with a butterfly or something like that on it. it's cool looking. i can't wait for them to come. i spent $72.75 them...oops. that's ok, i gave dad $36 to deposit in my account. and jess still owes me $15 for the book she lost. i have to remember to ask her for that.

*sigh* my room is really hot. and i just realized that if you read my livejournal it's all about my day, but here i write about my thoughts more often. i guess it's because i've had a blurty for over a year now so it's like what i'm used to. it's so familiar, livejournal is new to me. in here i have all my thoughts, the things i've thought about for the past year or so give or take a little bit of time. i love blurty. livejournal is too....corperate for me i think. blurty is more homey. lol. i sound so stupid. and for some reason i'm fucking horny. lmao. like you all need to know about that. yep yep. this is definitaly the journal i'm more comfortable. alright i'll write more later. i promise. toodles for now.

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random shizzel!!! i said shizzel..... [15 May 2005|09:46pm]

[ mood | giddy ]

[ music | alicia keys-karma ]

sorry i didn't get a chance to update all weekend. mom had us busy. the concert sucked. i don't feel like going into detail about it but it sucked, big venue+jocks+preps+hot weather=disaster. yep. guys walking around without shirts *shudders* i can't believe girls find that sexy, i saw like 10 guys with their nipples pierced and i almost threw up. it was sick. but there were some very "hott" girls walking around in bikinis and in their bras....hehe. sorry i can't help but look. there was this one girl who kept hanging around where liss and i were sitting, she was very attractive. lol. shh. OH! we were talking about eminem and i was thinking about the report me and corina have to do for health on STDs so i go....

"and the STDs won't let me be or let me be me so let me see" hahahahaha. liss was like.."that would work considering all the time eminem is touching himself."

we're absolutely fabulous. yep yep yep.

vintagedevil 101: i hate my chest...and my fat. blah *stares at it and pokes it* eww.
Mugglebornwicth2: Your not fat !!!!!
vintagedevil 101: and your not ugly
vintagedevil 101: and yes i am because i say so and i'm jesus reincarnated so i rule the world which means i rule you so you have to do/believe what i say.
Mugglebornwicth2: lol
vintagedevil 101: it's true you know. and liss is god so she's my father.
Mugglebornwicth2: lol
vintagedevil 101: you can be the virgin mary lesbian style.

sorry i'm putting random stuff in here. ok, i don't know what to write now. sam came over earlier and...yes. nice stuff. hehe. i told her i'm falling so far in love with her and she just had to ask why. i'm jesus reincarnated i don't need a reason to love her so much!! hehe.

EWWW I TANNED!! i'm no pale....*cries* i'm gonna have to hide away forever. i'll become a vampire. weeee! toodles, all.

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