I'm feeling really out of sorts right now. I've been going to sleep really early at night and getting up really early during the day. Going to sleep at six or eight or ten p.m and waking up at four or five or six a.m. Right now i went to sleep about 7 p.m and got up at four. Then i came online and have been online ever since. I don't know why i've been sleeping like that but it's been pretty good. Whenever i go to sleep really early i always wake up really early on my own even though i'll have only gotten like six or seven or eight or nine hours of sleep. If i stay up late and get up late then i'll just sleep forever for like tweleve or more hours. Then i'm not tired the next day and can't go to sleep the next night and being awake and wanting to sleep just makes you feel like shit. I guess i've been this way because i drank this huge caffinated soda from burger king on friday i think it was and it made me not be able to sleep since i never drink caffiene and that big soda had a lot. So i stayed up alot and then just slept for like three hours and i've been able to be tired early ever since. I can never figure out what sort of schedual is really best for me. I could sleep at night or sleep during the day since steve is gone at work at night and is sleeping during the day. It's lonely being up at night but it's still lonely being up during the day. I can't be on the computer as much during the day because it's connected to the main phone line. And there's always people home here so i don't do anything real either, though i don't do anything at night either because i might wake someone up or they might wake up anyway and just see me and then they will think i'm all screwed up. Steve has been working at his aunt's house on weekends and Steve's brother said i could come and work and he'd pay me like they are getting paid. Of course i didn't do this because i can't do that, it'd be awful (to me) to be there and doing stuff that i don't know how to do in front of people who do know how to do that stuff and that i see all the time, even though supposedly i'd pair up with steve and steve's two brothers would work together. But anyway i would feel extra bad if i was getting money when i can't do anything. He only offered because he thinks it's bad for me to just stay in this room all the time day and night because i never come out. He's right and it is bad for me, but i just feel like there's nothing much i can do about it, until i can decide to get a job or something. Steve said that steve's brother told his sister to ask me to go places sometimes too, but noone knows what my sleep schedual is so they don't want to bother me. I don't know what it is either. It's okay anyway, i do want to go places sometimes just because i don't want to be here all the time, but it's still hard to do, so i'm only ever up to it sometimes anyway. The more that i don't do things the worse my reclusiveness gets and the harder it is to face the world. I know this, but i haven't found the motivation to do anything other than speculate as to what i should do even though i'm not sure when if ever i'll actually do these things. I think a big part of it is just a "even if" factor. like even if i get a job, i'll still probably hate it or feel bad because i'm too incompetent for it, and even if i don't hate it i still won't be making enough money to support myself. Even if i made enough money to get a car i'd still hate/be terrified of driving in all the traffic. The thing is that yes, my ability to face things gets better the more that i do things, but that's just the ability to do it. The fear is less but the dread always remains. Like if i got a job i'd maybe be able to do more things and talk to people better but there's still the awfulness of thinking about all the things that have gone wrong and what i did wrong and how stupid i am all the time. that's always there, it's just a matter of grinning and bearing it, and not that i have a choice or that anyone does and not that there's not other people with bigger problems and yes i'm just spoiled, but i don't want a life of grin and bear it all the time. Maybe i'm exaggerating i don't know. I know that everyone doens't feel the same way i feel but i know lots of people grin and bear it about alot of things, so i should just shut up. shut up nicole. I know that i've had big setbacks in my life, and i'm not talking about my relationships with people though that's a different kind of set back. But that all came about because of other set backs which i've not really talked to anyone much about, except steve some, and i haven't even thought about that much because they are things that are hard for me to think about and they are what has made me want to give up in the first place and why a bunch of other things happened that made me feel even worse, even aside from the fact that i thought that maybe someone could help me with the other things and that didn't work out. So i guess that the thing to do is to work on that, those roots of setbacks which at least seems alittle more faceable(?) now with time. I just don't understand the world or my life or anything. I really don't understand people. And it's wierd when you never realized that you didn't and you even had thought about it before, of course you've thought about it alot, and you thought you did anyway, that you sort of understood even if you didn't really know but now oyu know you were wrong. It just spins you completely off course and out into the middle of nowhere. I don't understand how people can be friends but instead of wanting to make everyone feel okay they make everything a competition. I don't get how you can be so sympathetic with someone in so many ways and then really not respect them anyway. It makes me go back and forth from feeling one way to feeling another, and niether way is perfect to begin with, i just want it settlesd, i just want to feel some peace. But you just keep going because there's no peace and no solution, at least not at the moment, and you think about it all day, i sit and think about it, which is better than sitting and not being able to think about it so i'm making progress, think about how you should get up and hold the bags and keep running, yes, keep going nad grin and bear it and i guess you can pretend that maybe the even if will sort themselves out someday somehow sometime. It was nice of steve's brother to care about me, it makes me feel sad whenever anyone shows me that they care about me when i'm feeling bad, It makes me want to cry alot and i don't know why that is because it should make me feel better, and it makes me feel sadder. It's always been that way and it's always made me sad and everyone's always hated me for it. I'm a hated child. Maybe it just makes me sad because i think it's wasted, i don't know. I know when i try to start things i never feel like it's enough, i know everyone out there is doing things so much better than i am or even can be, and it's true, i'll never read enough books or be enough educated, both in academics and in the world, i'll never speak well enough or write my poetry well enough, or make any art good enough, or sing in key well enough, or be able to work hard enough with enough energy, or be happy and upbeat enough, or anything enough. I've always never thought i could do anythign good enough i've just always been that way my whole life and i know this because my mom said they taught me to read early because i thought i couldn't do it and kept saying stuff about like how i couldn't. I wonder why the fact that i did learn to read early and easily didn't really help me. Maybe that means i'm just hopeless. Despite all the things i have it's never enough and i'm never enough. despite all my rage.. Anyway i know there's no point in making the comparisions because there's always going to be something i don't measure up to and thinking about that will just keep me down, even though i don't feel like i'll ever be up, anyway even if i don't think about those things even if i put on a shiny happy face and play the tune and wait and watch and agree to have hope, but that's my own problems. I have all the things a person needs to be happy, i just have problems and thoughts, tons of thoughts in my head that come back and won't go away and make me cringe all the time and i say things under my breath to make them go away because they never go away unless i make them and they make me feel like i want to die. Sometimes i think i should be on something because that's the only way i won't have to grin and bear it, and fight not to let everythign fall in onto me, but i don't know about that. It might make me feel better but it might not. I know there was a time in my life even though it was brief when i didn't feel like that, like how i do now but then it all fell down and then i looked around and there was nothing there but ruins, because my life has been ruins and when you build something on that i guess it's bound to fall down. So i am set back as i say. A set back. But it's me. i'm the set back. How can i say it was just that i didn't try hard enough when i know deep down that you can only try so hard to make the most of yourself to be better without not being yourself anymore? and you can't not be yourself, at least if there is a way i haven't found it. I don't worry about losing myself, i'm here i'm with myself all the time even if i don't see it or know it sometimes or if i feel different i don't think that you can loose yourself entirely, you can just pretend that you don't remember who you were. I'm lucky anyway, I have a few really good things and that's good because it makes me be alive and it makes me feel good sometimes, but it also make me complacent because i can rely on those things to balance out other things that bother me and i don't have to actually change the other things i can just ignore them, but my conscience nags on me and i feel bad for not. I've always my whole life wanted to be something better and something good, and i tried different things to try to be that. But how can you be abnything good in a world were everything is so screwed. I used to look in the mirror in my room and cry because i wanted to be meant for something, to have some purpose that would make sense and mean that i was something, a real something and not just some person that does all the horribel things that every person does because they are just some person. And i used to cry because i knew it wasn't true. i can't complain now i've found good things and i have regrets but the regrets i have ai guess i couldn't relaly have changed them. Steve stayed home from work last night and it made me happy that we spent the day together even though his brothers were working on work and he could of maybe gone too, i guess he didn't really not go because of me, but it still made me feel good that i got to spend the day with him. We meant to go to this all you can eat breakfast thing but it's only open on the weekend as we found out, so we went to ihop, it was too crowded but the food was good. We thought the waitress was going to get it all wrong because she kept asking us stuff but she didn't. Then we went to this store sun harvest that's like bread and circus/wholefoods but it was small and i think sort of old and it smelled funny so i wanted to leave. Then we went to the animal shelter, it was near there. It wasn't open at first when we went so we drove around and looked in a garden store/nursery place. steve likes teh plants and things and i think it's cool. He said he felt bad because he can't water the trees that he has and take care of them good enough and i felt bad, i take up all his time and i hate when people feel bad because they should've done something. It's not good for someone to feel like that, and i don't want steve to. I have to think of something to fix it. We went to a mall too but just walked around in it, steve bought a bunch of candies in the machine and kept eating them, even though i told him that he was going to mess up his tastebuds. Then after that we went back to the shelter. We've been talking about getting a dog, i don't know why, just because i was thinking about it, and i would like it and it'd give me a thing to do that i have to do and can't just pretend i don't have to. At first i didn't want to get one because it has to stay outside because people are allergic to it and i don't like the idea that it would have to stay outside all the time. But then the more i thought about it, the dogs at the shelters are kept in runs that have an indoor part and an outdoor part, but even the indoor part isn't heated, so i guess that's like the equivalent of a dog house, so if i got a dog from there and it was going to stay there anyway, it'd probably have better life here. I was also thinking i might see if they have any other dogs that i like because they have a program that if you get a dog that's eight or older that they give you food for it for free and also vaccinations for free for as logn as it lives. Originally i had thought that it was free meidal care in general which would be better, because if i don't have a job i wouldn't want the dog to get sick and then i wouldn't be able to pay for it. Steve says home depot offeres pet insurance so now we're going to look into that. We went to the shelter, it was sort of wierd because we went to that orientation thing a long long time ago and we never went back even though sometimes there were days that we had free that we could of gone. It was pretty good, but scary and i made steve talk to everyone and get the volunteer name tag for me. First we just looked at all the dogs and talked about which ones we liked and then we went and got the volunteer tag and walked one of the dogs. i told the guy to just have me walk whoever needed it and he gave me this dog tex who was actually one of the dogs i liked when we were looking. He was nice, but very strong and engergetic, with no leash manners. In other words he pulls you all over. So we walked him and steve ran around with him and he was nice, but i wouldn't get that dog because he's too strong willed for me. Anyway we aren't getting one yet because i haven't decided and anyway we'd have to build the dog house first if we wanted to get him in the winter. After that we left, usually i think if you go there and volunteer then you walk a bunch of dogs but we had been there a while and i was too thirsty, and getting anxious for no good reason like i do so we left. Then we came home and caulked the window that we put in. That was sort of fun because i got to do some of it and i like to do things as long as noone is watching me and can laugh at me when i mess up, and i hate waiting for things to be done for me even though i have to do that alot now. Then we ate some food and i went to sleep. i don't know if steve was sleeping or not. I woke up a bit when he left for work but then i went back to sleep. Now he is home and we went and ate some cookies. I like the mornings because it's quiet and noone is around except steve's mom who is sits and crocets or knits in the living room, so i have free range of the kitchen and noone comes in and looks at me. Sometimes i feel really ugly. right now my face is all broken out. I think it's a hormonal thing. I always have a little acne like maybe one blemish at a time but right now i have alot, if it is that it sucks because there's not much i can do about it unless i want to spend alot of money or go to a scary doctor. Oh well. A big part of why i hate acne is that it makes people think you are young because they associate it with that. Being young, or looking young means you get no respect. Even though it runs in my family to have acne all your life and i probably will have it all my life a little, people don't think of that or know it or whatever. blah blah. The other day i wanted to go for a walk so we went to this mission park and walked around, but this cop came by and said that he was going to close the gates because it was five oclock and so we had to go park somewhere else that was outside the gates and then we walked around more. Steve found a geode by the river. It was neat, because you don't just find those all over, and my dad likes them so i'm going to send it to hime. We walked for awhile and it was nice, steve wants to ride bikes there. There were alot of gnats though, well it's better than mosquitos anyway. We talked about cars and if i were to buy a car and things like that. Then we went home. The other day we were also talking about going to mass for a while. Steve has a week off he has to use before summer, and he was saying maybe we could go up there for valentines day. But i don't know what will happen with that. It'd cost alot of money especially for a hotel and all that. I want to go because there's lots of things i'd like to do and see like my parents new dog and i'd like to be able to take care of loose ends. I was crying though when we talked about it, for various reasons. Now i am up and steve is asleep and i have nothing to do. I hate that my inbox is always empty. always empty.. i think i'm going to change my colors.
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