another drop off...   
09:38pm 28/11/2004
 
mood: annoyed
Right now things are so messed up. Most of the time, I don't know whether I'm coming or going. My relationship with bf is falling apart. We've been together for 9 months and about 6 of those months has been pure ****. It's my fault I suppose. I'm so moody and sometimes I know why I'm moody but I can't explain it to him. It's like he doesn't try to understand what I'm saying. Or maybe he just doesn't want to understand. Or maybe I don't even want him to. He's always asking me what's wrong but when I try to tell him he gets all mad at me like I'm trying to place the blame on him and I'm not. I just want to be heard. I feel like I'm not being heard at all. I feel like everything is so messed up that it can't be fixed and I just want to be away from him. But we live together and I can't move out because I have no where else to go. The apartment's in my name though. I shouldn't have to leave. But he won't. I tell him to leave. I tell him that I wish he would leave. I tell him I hate him and wish I'd never met him and he still will not go. I know I shouldn't say those things because I know it hurts him but sometimes I say those things because I intend to hurt him. I get some kind of morbid pleasure from seeing him cry. It actually makes me smile sometimes.

Sometimes I want to be so close to him but at the same time I wish I were on the other side of the world. When he ignores me, I like it. I feel like I'd love him more if he hated me. Why? I know this sounds stupid but it's truly how I feel right now. Not just right now. 99% of the time I feel this way. He's smothering me. He wants to be with me every second of the day. He's always kissing me and hugging me and hanging all over me. I can't do anything alone. He's so demanding. He wants me to be his house-wife and I'm not his wife. I'm his girlfriend. I don't want to be a wife to anyone. Never have, never will. I feel like he's trying to turn me into someone that I'm not and I just want out of it. I love him but I hate him. I want to be a couple with him but I don't want to live with him. He thinks we can't stay together if we live seperate. I have no privacy. I can't do anything for myself. Everything I do is for him or if I do actually get to do something for myself it's only because it benefits him in some way. He's so dependent and it's driving me crazy. He's like a little kid sometimes. So needy, so dependent, so helpless. He's always wanting sex. I never do. I hate sex. I hate the way it makes me feel. I don't like to be touched. I feel like I'm being invaded. My body is mine. To me, sex is just uncomfortable and messy and I have no desire for it. But he gets upset at me when I don't do it. He says I don't love him or I would. I can't get it through his thick skull that loving him has nothing to do with it. Sex doesn't mean love and love doesn't mean sex. That's how I feel. I've always been pressured for it. By every guy that I've ever been with. You give it to them once and that's all the want from then on. I want to be with someone who can respect me and not expect that. Someone who can love me and let me love them without having to prove it through sex. I've come to despise the idea. I never have fantasies anymore. The idea makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm so moody and obsessive that I can't get anything done. I clean constantly but nothing ever feels clean enough. Everyone that comes over says they've never seen a home so clean but when I look at my apartment I see junk and clutter and dust and everythings so out of place. Nothing fits. I can't even stand being there because I feel so trapped. I actually feel smothered by it. It's overwhelming sometimes. It takes me all day to clean one room. I clean one room a day because I can't seem to get things right. I mop my floors twice everytime I mop. When I'm at home, I constantly clean. When I'm away from home, I constantly think about needing to be at home cleaning. I can't make it stop.

I just want to relax. I want to rest. I feel so exhausted inside but I can't stop my mind. It keeps going. My thoughts are constantly racing so fast from one thing to another that I can't remember what I was even thinking about. I have no memory anymore. I can do something and then five seconds later forget that I did it. If I put something somewhere, I can never find it. I forget important dates that I would otherwise remember. What is going on with me? I was doing good but now I feel like I just can't go. I feel like I'm stuck in this spot and everything around me is going crazy but and I have no control over it. I feel so out of touch with everything. Like I'm on the outside of it all. I don't feel like I'm even in my body. I feel like I'm standing outside of my body telling it what to do but it won't listen. I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to be looked at, or spoken to and I don't want to talk. I don't want to eat but yet I'm so hungry. I don't want to sleep but I'm so tired. I want to sleep but I have things I need to get done. How can I want to sleep but not want to sleep at the same time? How did I get so screwed up? This hurts so bad inside but I feel like I deserve it. And I hurt him so bad because of it but I feel like he deserves it because he can't help me. He doesn't know how to. I know he doesn't know how to but yet I still expect him to? Someone please help me figure something out. I'm about to lose my mind. Somethings got to change before I put myself in a hospital somewhere. I've got to get away from this. It's driving me insane. I can't find any help. Well, I can but I can't stick to it. I miss my doctor's appointments. I won't take my meds. I don't want to sit for an hour every week telling someone this stuff because I've done it for years and it's got me nowhere. Maybe that's why I've just give up and stopped everything. That and the fact that I have no time to just focus on myself so I can get better. I just want to focus on me for a while. Is that wrong? Am I being selfish by just wanting to think about myself for a change and say to heck with everyone elses needs for a while?
 
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quiz   
09:43pm 04/11/2004
  Hurt. Someone has hurt you badly and though you
won't show it, it has left you a hollow shell.
You are simply pretending to exist.


What's on the inside?
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quiz   
09:40pm 04/11/2004
  Contrast
Dark shadow. Something has drawn you into darkness
in the past, and you're now trying to get out
of it. The darkness is already inside you, and
getting it out will be hard, but if you try,
maybe one day you can be who you want to be
again. Don't give in!!!


Please rate ^^


What kind of dark person are you?
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What am I becoming?   
09:00pm 04/11/2004
 
mood: cold
My emotions are at a numb. I don't get excited about anything anymore. All of the fears that I used to have are just meaningless possibilities now. It's possible that someone could walk up and blow my brains out with a shot gun but that is meaningless to me. I would laugh in someone's face if they pulled a gun out and threatened to take my life away by pulling the trigger at point blank range to my head. They'd be the one washing my brains out of their clothes. Not me. Sometimes I actually wish that someone would just walk up and shoot me or cut my throat and leave me laying in a ditch somewhere to rot away. To fade from existence completely. That would be a lot simpler than this. Feeling this way is no way to live. I'd rather be dead than feel this way for another day. I don't even feel human anymore. Not that I can remember a time when I actually did. I probably wouldn't be able to recognize joy if I ever experienced it after feeling this way for so long. What's the point in being physically alive if you're only going to go through life emotionally dead?
 
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09:00pm 04/11/2004
 
mood: uncomfortable
I hate what I have become to escape what I hate being.
 
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mentally exhausted   
10:29pm 17/10/2004
 
mood: melancholy
music: Switchfoot - Meant To Live
I'm so tired of fussing and fighting and worrying. I just want to crawl back into my shell and hide from the world that's impossible for me to live in. I can't do this thing that everyone calls living. My mind is tired. My life is a constant battle. A battle with myself and a battle with everyone around me. No one could possibly understand the thoughts and feelings in my head. A part of me wants to just give up but a part of me is curious to see what my life would be like if I could only get past this. The solution seems so easy to everyone else yet is so hard for me. I just have to keep going even though it takes everything I have just to get out of bed these days. There's got to be something that I can do to get my life on track.
 
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Lyrics   
10:14pm 05/10/2004
 
mood: touched
Britney Spears
Everytime

Notice me
Take my hand
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry

Ohhhh

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

After all...
After all...
 
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Quiz   
09:47pm 05/10/2004
 
mood: giddy
music: Q Strange - Eternal Bliss
depressed
I'm depressed


why is YOUR livejournal annoying?
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Quiz   
09:46pm 05/10/2004
 
mood: busy
music: Linkin Park - My December
outcast
Your an Outcast Angel! These angels were once upon
a time, very loved, and of the highest ranks of
all the angels. But, when something terrible
happened in their lives, much like the
dark-angels, the outcats leave the heavens and
move down to earth. Out cats angel are not
nessearily evil. In fact, they are quite kind,
but filled with greif and guilt unimaginable.
Outcast angels are usually formed when they
have failed something, and ridden with guilt,
they are banned out of heaven, sent down to
earth, and live alone. They are always quite
and sad, and rarely contact with humans. If a
huam befriends an outcast angel, they have a
friend for life.


What Kind of ANGEL are you? (For Girls only) This Quiz has amazingly Beautiful Pictures!
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Quiz   
09:38pm 05/10/2004
 
mood: lazy
music: Kentucky Headhunters - Walk Softly On This Heart Of Mine
HASH(0x89619e8)
You are purple. What a romantic person you are.
You're sentimental and forward-looking (those
are opposites.). You're a sophisticated and
refined--with a refind taste for chocolates and
wine (yum...). Tempermental and moody, you let
people know when you're angry. But other
times, you just sit and sulk. Alone. When
around people, you're a generous person, with
insatiable needs. You're a starving artist,
basically. You're enjoy getting into debates
over politics and religion with people of the
same intelligence of you. But you know they
can never convince you otherwise, you stubborn
person, you. As a unique person you are (not
to mention just a tad bit eccentric...), you're
well-liked by either a few people, or too many
people...


What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
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Quiz   
09:34pm 05/10/2004
 
mood: mellow
music: Britney Spears - Everytime
HASH(0x8bde714)
You have Purple Wings! Lost and Confused, when your
wings are purple, its difficult to see ahead
because the fog is clouding your vision. You
can never decide easily, and even the simplest
choices are difficult to take. A quite, kind
person, you have a very sharp mind and can do
anything if you set your mind to it. But
something probably very sad happened in your
life, and now, you question anything. Lost in
your trance and afraid to peak outside your
box, right now your life is very frustrating.
But, dont forget this very important thing:
Purple is made from blue and red, and with just
a little bit of pushing, you can go back.


What Color are your wings?(Mainly for Girls)Beautiful Pix!
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Quiz   
09:30pm 05/10/2004
 
mood: high
music: Switchfoot - Meant To Live
Angry
You have an angry soul! Angry Souls arent always
angry, but they cannot easily forgive and hold
grudges. You probably often get in fights with
your friends and family, and its difficult for
you to understand. When someone makes a
mistake, you dont let go easily and hold on to
those memories. Your very stubborn and your
rage is known to everyone. Though you never
actually mean it, you can say mean things in a
fight and go over board. Many people are
sometimes intimidated by your anger. But you
have many redeeming qualities and those are
that you are quite intelligent and smart. You
would make a good businesswoman or lawyer
because you know how to prove your point. You
cherish the ones around you, and appreciate
life, even though you can complain or throw a
tantrum now and then. The good things is, you
keep your emotions very outspoken, and are
normally a very happy person because all your
rage is let on the outside. Anger is simply a
state, but you, yourself as a person, are
great.


What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
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