Stephanie's Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2004-04-15 12:31
Subject:suicide
Security:Public
Mood: melancholy
Music:First Cut is the Deepest - Sheryl Crow

ever feel like life would be better if you were dead? i do. i have everyday for the past couple weeks. i don't feel safe in my own h9ome because by brother beats me up, sometimes even in front of our parents and he will continue doing this because our parents never punish him. i don't look nice, i have hardly any friends, i'm 18 and have never been kissed, i barely got into colege, and i feel like my life is going down hill quickly. at least i know that oone of my bigest fauts is i'm a coard. because f this, i'll never kill myself, but keep living miserably.

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Date:2004-02-13 10:10
Subject:Valentines Day
Security:Public
Mood: lonely

Doesn't it suck to have valentines day and no valentine? what is even worse is the fact that it gives people a reson to decorate in pink and purple. my two least favorite colors.

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Date:2004-02-11 12:45
Subject:guys
Security:Public

i officially hate guys. i was sitting with this guy who likes me and i like at church. He started flirting w/ me and rubbing my arm and we finaaly interlocked hands for the rest of the service. little did i know that he was poking and flirting w/ my good friend who was on his other side at the same time he was holding my hand. What a pig!!!!! guys now offically suck.

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Date:2004-01-29 12:38
Subject:snow days
Security:Public

here in kkent ohio we hardly ever get snow days. i swear when our superintendent guy drives around the town to scope it out and see the conditions of the road he must be right behind a snow plow. Well lucky us we had a snow/icestrom and had 2 count them 2 snow days in a row!!! itwassoooooooooooo exciting. the only bad thing was church was canceled for wednesday night b/c there was 2" of ice on the parking lot and it was to dangerous.
yea for snow days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Date:2004-01-22 11:05
Subject:i can't believe how long it's been
Security:Public
Mood:pathetic
Music:Ugly by Smashing Pumpkins

it's been a long time since i have wriiten and there's so much to say, but not enough time to say it all. so i just won't
i do want to say that boys such. yep, you heard me right boys suck!! i have to potential guys but both of them wont tell me how they really feel and both have rejected me, or they have in my mind even though they havent quite come out and said it. i am soi pathetic. i'm 18 and i havent even bee nkissed yet. i'm goingto die one of those old virgin women who's never even gotten a guy to kiss them. i'm going to be pathetic my whole live because guys suck. oh the humanity of it all!!

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Date:2003-12-23 13:32
Subject:Christmas Eve
Security:Public
Mood: jubilant

I can't wait until tomorrow. This year i don't have a lot of money because i quit my job, so i don't get to give a lot of nice things to people like i usually do. this drives me crazy b/c one of my favorite parts of christmas is being able to give people presents. But, while worrying about that, i learned to knit. so, i've made some scarfs to give. i'm excited about doing because i worked really hard and hope they like them.
I also decided, while learning to knit, that i'm going to work all year oo making scarves and hats and will donate them all to homeless shelters next year. i am very excited about this b/c i will know that my work has gone to help those less fortunate. I am a little worried though. i mean i know these people need things to keep them warm, but what if they don't like what i made? at least i'll never know since i'm not going to be handing them out. i just take them to town hall 2 and they handle it.
i can't wait!!!!!!!!

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Date:2003-12-04 12:43
Subject:pen pal?
Security:Public
Mood: curious

is therer a way to get a pen pal on this site? i would like a pen pal to sent snail mail back and forth with, but i don't know how exactly to go about doing this.

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Date:2003-12-04 12:41
Subject:sick
Security:Public
Mood: sick

i HATE being sick!!!!!!!!!! it's the pits. i know i said all this the last time i was sick so i won't totally repeat myself. it's worse this time though b/c it's my throat so not only does it hurt to swallow and eat, but i also sound horrible because my voice is all scratchy. GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

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Date:2003-12-01 12:24
Subject:Didn't She Tell You
Security:Public

Didn't she tell you
She likes guys who
Treat her right
And are polite
Not those like you
Who think they rule
Over all the chicks
You little prick
But you can't have her
Didn't you hear me did I stutter or slur
You're not good enough to
Even think of a rendezvous
With you and her as a pair
So go away, go elsewhere

Didn't she tell you
That you would rue
The day you harmed her
As you might concur
Not just her did you hurt
But also the rest of us you desert
And to add lemon juice to the cut
You ruined a great friendship in one strut
A friendship you’ll never get back
I'd be like finding a needle in a haystack
You blew it you half-witted dipshit
Never again will you be close knit

So maybe she didn't tell you
She probably thought you had a clue
But now I’m here to speak
Yeah, no longer will I be meek
Sitting on the sideline
Thinking you two have a relationship of sunshine
I'm not so ignorant anymore
And I don't like you as I did before
Therefore it is time
For me to give you a piece of my mind
You are a childish domineering ass
Who found a way to trespass
Into my dear sister's heart and mind
But you will soon find
That though on you she may be stuck
As for mow you are shit out of luck
Because you'll never get her back
I sure won't cut you slack
To help you win even her friendship
You chose to take her angel wings and clip
Them off so she must stay grounded
And for that you must be pounded
She deserves someone better then you
Someone who won't screw
Up her life and make her pained
Someone who won't keep her face tearstained
Don't look at, talk or speak to her
And I would prefer
If you stay away so you don't wreak
Anymore lives my taking cards from their life decks

She didn't tell you then
I said it once but I’ll say it again
That you're not boyfriend material
You're really a bacterial
Disease whose time is over
Go find yourself a new four leaf clover
The neglect you burdened on this one
Caused her to pick up the pieces and run
So go one, and be no more
I don't ever want to see you by our door
You could have had an angel for keeps
To bad angels don't go for creeps

Didn't she tell you
She likes guys who
Treat her right
And are polite
Not those like you
Who think they rule
Over all the chicks
You little prick
But you can't have her
Didn't you hear me did I stutter or slur
You're not good enough to
Even think of a rendezvous
With you and her as a pair
So go away, go elsewhere


This is a poem i wrote to my sister's exboyfriend!

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Date:2003-12-01 11:58
Subject:the guy (a nonjerk!!)
Security:Public
Mood: indescribable

i found a guy that i really like..and get this, he likes me too! His name is Dan, he's 20 years old, and he's a sophmore at the University of Akron. But this is all good even though i'm a senior in highschool and only 18. he doesnt care and neither do i!! we met when i went to Akron U with my Uncle Bill and my cousin Ryan to go with them to their classes. inbetween Rayan's classes we hung out, and DAn was hanging out with us. we hit it off right away and i didn't feel shy around him at all like i usually do around people. in fact i felt very outgoing with everyone there. we've been talking online since then and then he came to Thanksgiving at my Gramdma's house(i never know when your suppose to capitalize "grandma,""mom,""dad",ect) and he aked me out. we're double dating with Ryan THIS friday. The day after thanksgiving, we went to Rocknees with my sister, Becky, and Ryan and had a blast. i can't wait until Friday. i finally found a guy who's not a jerk!!!!!

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Date:2003-11-13 12:10
Subject:sick of everythinig
Security:Public
Mood: sick

iwooke up ith a headache this morning that had caried over from the night before. my mom wasn't leaving for wrk for a little over an hour so i asked if i could stay home until then and see how i was doing. I still feel like crap and my head ache in fact got worse, but i came to school anyway so i didnt miss anymore school then i already have(i HATE being home from school!). And now to top it all off, i have the worse cramps i've ever had since i first got my period. iEven worsse then that, after school i have to go babysit 2 boys and a little gir, all who don't know how to shut up and behave (well the little girl is ok, but with the boys there she can sometimes be trouble too). I hate my life!! i don't know how i can get all my school work done when i countinuously feel to sick to do it. i know SOMETHING has to be wrongwith me b/c everytime i have a rootbeer float they don't taste good to me and rootbeer float is my comfort food-i can eat it even when i have the stomach flu(althoug hstomach flu isn't really the flu but something entirely different, not that you care).
I don't know how much more of this i can take lone with being in that house, but i can't go to the doctor b/c i already cot my parents toons of money b/c of all the doctors visits and medicines i take. i vowed tht i wouldnt ask to go to the doctor or make them decide i need to go unless i'm dying b/c i'm just such an expensive kid. before my sister went to college, i bet i was more expensive then her and my brother put togeter what with all my doctor visits, medicines, youth events, school stuff, ndothere like saxaphone lessons. i feel bad b/c we don't have enough money for my mom to get the kitchen redone and it's mostly my fault.

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Date:2003-11-06 12:11
Subject:A Taste of Beauty
Security:Public
Mood: blah

For once I desire
For guys to see
Me as someone they seek
I want to aquire
Attention from thee
That shows off my physique
I want a taste of beauty

For once I want
To have perfect skin
And hair that is styled and pretty
To be able to confront
People with a grin
And be smart and witty
I want a taste of beauty

To have the right clothes
To have the perfect face
And to have the "right stuff"
Oh to be referred to as a sweet rose
To have a guy to embrace
As for friends- I'll have more then enough
I want a taste of beauty

Unfortunately that's not the way
Life will ever be
For this girl
Who cares for a girl in disarray
For a person like me
My life will never be a string of pearls
I'll never have a taste of beauty

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Date:2003-10-31 13:13
Subject:Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!
Security:Public
Mood: depressed

i am sooo pissed off. i don't even know where to begin. I am just so over whelmed, i don't know if i can take it all.
i cut myself yesterday. i couldn't stop crying and i couldn't deal, so i cut myself. i felt a little guilty afterwards, but not much. i wonder,why did i ever stop? i like the relief it gives me, relief that nothing else seems to be able to give me. People are just selfish tryingto get me to stop. They just want to take away the oone thing that helps me cope without them.

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Date:2003-10-29 12:14
Subject:School
Security:Public
Mood: okay

I'm back in school today. Thank God for that! i don't know what i'd do if i ever got mono because i know it wouldn't be stay at home all day! i was starting to go even more insane then usual! And my brother, if i have to ever stay at home with him again, i'll kill myself with dull chopsticks!
I'm really behind in my school work. i don't knw how i'll get caught up - especialy in College Math because that's my hardest class and no one takes good notes (even if they did, i'd be afraid to ask b/c i don't really know that many people in the class and none enough to talk to). i don't care how much work i have though b/c i am definately going to church tonight!

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Date:2003-10-28 17:42
Subject:Sick
Security:Public
Mood: blah

i was home sick again. Oh how i hate it!!! now i'm going to be two days behind on my school work! and to make maters worse my brother was supposedly sick today to. in truth, he just wanted to stay home. he spend the day terrorizing me and the pets. I bet are other dog, Rags, ran away because he was sick of Eric torturing him. i dont think my brother should be allowed near our family pets. you know alot of serial killers and mass murderers tortured animals. i think it's just another sign of what my brother will most likely end up in the future. all the other sign s are there. i know it may sound like i'm exaggerating and that my brother and i just don't get along, but i'm not. i've had people even tell me that he's scary to them- some hardly even know them and others who have known him for a long time. he seriously needs help!

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Date:2003-10-27 19:41
Subject:sickness
Security:Public
Mood: sick
Music:Blondie- One Way or Another

I was home from school today because i was sick. I hate being home from school at all, but because of sickness is the worst. not only can you not talk to anyone b/c they are at school or work, but aslo tv gets boring after awhile and you can only play games for so long before they get boring, and you can only read for so long. And on top of that, youre sick so you feel really crappy. Today i could keep nothing in down - not even SAltines!
To make matters worse, my puppy and kitten were driving me crazy all day! i hope i'm better by tomorrow. icant take another day of it.

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Date:2003-10-27 19:22
Subject:sickness
Security:Public
Mood: sick
Music:Blondie- One Way or Another

I was home from school today because i was sick. I hate being home from school at all, but because of sickness is the worst. not only can you not talk to anyone b/c they are at school or work, but aslo tv gets boring after awhile and you can only play games for so long before they get boring, and you can only read for so long. And on top of that, youre sick so you feel really crappy. Today i could keep nothing in down - not even SAltines!
To make matters worse, my puppy and kitten were driving me crazy all day! i hope i'm better by tomorrow. icant take another day of it.

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Date:2003-10-24 17:17
Subject:Death Threads
Security:Public
Mood: depressed

Hope it all goes away
Gone. gone to
Another place
Get me out of here
This emotion hoarding induced wonderland
Into the darkness I
Fall. fall to
Nowhere and no one
Care not for me
Search no more
My body is wrapped
In the threads of death
Take me not away
From the back of the ass
Just let me
Ride. ride to
The land of the unfeeling
Where nothing will
Hurt me anymore
And all these people
With their noses turned high
Or those who think they know me
And what I'm going through
Their words won't reach my ears and
Ring. ring over
And over until it hurts
So I cry myself dry
And no one will be there
Pushing me to the edge
My life will be my own
No footsteps to follow
No shoes to fill
I'll be me
And that will be sufficent
I'll be able to
Breath. breath without
Fear that i'm doing even that wrong
The world is my oyster
But seafood nauseates me
Why can't it be my paper
Myself being the pen that
Makes it all
Happen. happen the
Way i want it to
Life could never fit me
Dressing me up in puppet stirngs
Pulling every way
Let me keep these death threads
Wrapped around my body
Strangle and warp me
Let them have free reign and
Tighten. tighten as they
Squeeze life away
Minutes go by
And you forget
I ever existed.

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Date:2003-10-24 11:59
Subject:puppy
Security:Public
Mood: tired

I love my new puppy Oreo to death, but i don't know what to do. Atnight we have him sleep in a crate b/c we are still trying to house train him. he whines, cries, barks, and howls all night. he is currently in my bedroom at night because he's my puppy and since i'm in the basement he won't keep everyone else up at night. we just got him last week from an owner who was trying to drown him, so i don't want to take him to an animal shelter and give him more abandoment issues, buti don't know how much longer i can take it. i haven't been sleeping well at night so i'm much slower getting ready for school. i've been tardy every day this week and pretty soon i'm going to have an inschool for all my tardies. I don't know how much more i can stand.

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Date:2003-10-23 16:41
Subject:my brother
Security:Public
Mood: infuriated

i really miss my sister Becky. Besides myself, i think she's the only one who sees by brother ERic for what he really is- an abuser. i am so scared of my brother. i think that one day he'll kill us all. i try to warn people, try to get my parents to take him to counsiling, but no one really hears me. they think i just am exaggerating the truth. but i'm not. i don't know how much longer i can stay in this house with him. he always threatens me and he verbally abuses me every day. it's not like my parents are that much better, but at least they don't realize what they are doing. he knows and does it just to make me hurt and cry. i think he probably liked it when i cut myself because he knew he was geting to me. but it wasnt like that when Becky was here, will at least not the last year. she looked out for me more. but that was before she wentto college. know i don't believe i really have anyone. and i can't stand on my own two feet by myself. where do you go when all the people you want to turn to are the ones hurting you?

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