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Sunday, December 14th, 2003

Subject: Have to Say Time: 11:05 pm. Mood: stressed. Music: The Early November - baby blue.

I'm bored, in pain, and i dont want to go to school tomorrow. I can barely walk and i dont want crutches, bc they're gay.. Yeah i'm not going tomorrow. Everything reli sucks rite now, and people are starting to piss me off! Lately i've been an asshole to pretty much everyone and it will probably stay that way for the next few days just bc i dont feel like being nice. If you dont like it.... too bad, u can go fuck yerself. Except jenny, i'll be nice to her. Tomorrow James will probably declare it movie day, which means i wont be online i'll be watching movies ALL day. Today i downloaded Texas Chainsaw Masscre on LimeWire (way better than kazaa) and since i have a dvd burner on my computer, i burned it. Chances are it will be one of the movies we watch, Then he'll have nightmares and i'll get yelled at, possibly grounded. Not that i care seeing that i can barely walk and i'm pissed off at pretty much everyone online, so she can take the fucking computer. If anyone reli needs me they can call my cell phone, if you dont know the number... then that sucks for you. Hmmm what else?... OH for all of you people who CONTINUE to say 'I love you' to me constantly, STOP!!! idc i dont believe you, no matter who you are i reli dont. You can say it as much as u want, but i still think yer full of shit. For those of you who are going to keep saying it anyway... dont be surprised when i just say 'ok'. KATY STOP TALKING TO MY GIRLFRIEND! ...bye

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Subject: fuck Time: 11:17 pm. Mood: pissed off. Music: linkin park - lying from you.

today was sucked ass. i wanna gonna go to my friends house, but i couldn't. I ended up going to the south side of sacramento to pick up my mom's contacts from the eye doctor, then i stopped at my grandma's house to help her hook up her dsl. I installed it, and set everything up, then explained it to her. Right b4 i was about to leave i wanted to wash my hands, so i started to go to the bathroom and somewhere along the way the bottom of my foot snagged on like this screw thing. I didn't have shoes on and it was weird bc it seemed like it came out of nowhere... anyway, it tore off a shit load of skin on the bottom of my foot and it wouldn't stop bleeding. I went to the hospital in extreme pain... had to get a tetnis shot, like 14 different pain killers, i ended up losing a lot of blood, and it almost got infected. If most of you saw it... you would probably freak out. The Point is.. i can barely walk, and i've been in pain since it happened. Luckily it was my left foot. If it was my right, i would have fuckin shot someone. I came home.... didnt talk to anyone. I'm kind of pissed at several ppl, if they dont know who they are then too fucking bad. By now i've probably taken half the bottle of vicodin and i still feel like i want to cut my fucking foot off. oh and i also went to church tonight bc they had a christmas play that james was in. It was cool and pretty funny too. I might go again sunday night, but idk. Dave i got yer e-mail and ik u cant take it much longer... so when u get a chance.. lets talk about what's going to happen. Everyone else... bye!

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Time: 10:38 pm. Mood: sleepy. Music: none.

Today was good. I'm too tired to see... let alone write. So i'm going to be rite now! Steph... j'ai envie embrasser vous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Time: 8:46 am. Mood: pissed off. Music: NONE!!!!.

Ha I'm in first period and it's gay. I was just trying to see if i could log on at school bc i have no life. We're in the library researching for some stupid ass essay. Carley says L UNIT 4 LIFE! LOL ...she literally typed that. I'm fuckin bored, I HATE WORKING. KOREA MART! I dont know what i should write my persausive essay on? K now i have to go b4 i get in trouble

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Time: 10:18 pm. Mood: bored. Music: i cant listen to anything bc i cant stop thinkin about Steph.

"Walk With Me" Walk with me, the path of life, to explore every bend of the road Enjoy with me the beauty of life, along its wonderful way Find comfort with me, in each other's arms, when grief crosses our path Find strength with me, in each other's strength, when despair lies in wait Laugh with me, a single true laugh, to enlighten another's distress Cry with me, a single true tear, to understand true happiness Cherish with me, the wonders of life, as they need to be preserved Rejoice with me, in the mysteries, of what is yet to be Find peace with me, in each other's souls, when the world has gone insane Find love with me, in each other's hearts, until this life has been fulfilled And when the path comes to an end I hope we can say from within We've known the beauty of true love, our love came from within

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Subject: Mix Time: 7:01 pm. Mood: good. Music: Allister -Racecars.

Its My Birthday L - Unit! CuteKittyKat505: happy birthday lucas, i love you QuirkyCutey7: HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUKE QuirkyCutey7: :-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D Calishortstuf347: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! SeXaY SaMmEh: b4 i go happy b-day:-D waY ToO h0t: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! James comes into my room at like 5am and yells at me to wake up. I just ignored him until he started hitting me with my own pillows. So i got up and he was like "Happy Birthday Lucas!!!".. i could barely see so i said thanx and gave him a hug, then he just left. After that i was pretty much up so i sat around and wasted time until i had to go to school. School was good, a lot of my friends got me stuff. People i didnt even know told me happy birthday. Sophie posted pictures of me from when i was 3 to now all over the school. it was interesting. I'm just glad i'm 17... 16 was getting boring. Smilez r Unreal: i'll never love anyone as much as u Smilez r Unreal: and i doubt i could ever find anyone as incredible as u are CuteKittyKat505: alright stop now, cause the one time i've stopped crying.. you're gonna make me start again Smilez r Unreal: i'd rather they be tears of happiness than anything else CuteKittyKat505: trust me, they would be just thot i would thro that in.... bye!

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Subject: no more! Time: 2:11 am. Mood: sad. Music: none.

for girls... 01. Plan on getting married: 02. Been pregnant: 03. Plan on getting pregnant: 04. Single: 05. Make up: 06. Jackets or Sweatshirts: 07. Prefer a thug/prep/goth/etc: 08. His or Her condom: 09. Boxers or Briefs or Boxer Briefs? 10. Kiss/Cuddle/Hug/other(list them): for guys... 01. Plan on getting married: possibly 02. Plan on getting someone pregnant: lol possibly 03. Single: ..no 04. Big/little wedding(if at all): idk 05. Jackets or Sweatshirts: both at the same time 06. Prefer a thug/prep/goth/etc: i'm fine with who i have 07. His or Her condom: yer mom's condom... nvm that sounded wrong 08. Boxers or Briefs or Boxer Briefs: idc! 09. Kiss/Cuddle/Hug/other(list them): all of the above 10. Best gift: idk for girls... 11. Flowers/Candy/stuffed animal: 12. Big/little wedding: 13. Cook: 14. Place to live: 15. Favorite item in your room: 16. Who do you look up to: 17. 1 hobby: 18. Dream car: 19. Favorite Fabric: 20. Favorite smell: for guys... 11. Best gift to recieve: dont care 12. Cook: yeah 13. Position u sleep(if u know): changes 14. Favorite fabric: dont care 15. Favorite item in your room: guitar 16. Dream car: idc anymore 17. Place you want to live: france or anywhere over there 18. Who is your role model/idol: if i tell u, i kill u 19. 1 thing you cant live without: fuck off 20. Name an important date and significance: May 30, 2000..........figure it out, if u cant... ask me for girls... 21. Last dream you had: 22. Last nightmare you had: 23. Dream in b&w or color: 24. Last thing you said: 25. Time: for guys... 21. Last dream you had: ..dont reli dream 22: Last nightmare you had: same one i've had almost every night since i was 13 23. Dream in b&w or color: color 24: Last thing you said: fuck 25: Time: 2:26

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Time: 2:09 am. Mood: okay. Music: Limp Bizkit - behind blue eyes.

what do they really think of you by purple lj name sex age your best friend thinks they'd like to punch you your family think you were switched at birth strangers think you'd look good naked Created with quill18's MemeGen! lol who doesnt want to see me naked lol

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Subject: i'm stealing this obviously Time: 1:01 am. Mood: okay. Music: Finch - What it is to Burn.

things i dislike myself, Smokey the Bear(fuckin loser), Running into plate glass windows, tripping over rugs, falling down the stairs, the powerpuff girls, Families whose names all start with the same letter, Rated "G" movies, drinking laws, stop lights, boy bands that sound like girls, stupid people, homework, the heat, girls with attitudes, jaw breakers, crying babies, People that spit when they talk, Animals that lick their ass, Pepsi and Coke, all soda, curfews, J-lo, Old people that come out of their houses at 6am half naked to check the mail, old ppl that beat you with their canes, coffee, getting arrested, cheerios, guys in short shorts, the shallow end of the pool, thumb wars, losing in a thumb war, getting your ass kicked, rapests, abuse, getting sick, stuck up people like yer mom, Agent Cody Banks, cleaning, people that steal other peoples burriots(dont ask), being broke, burning yourself on the stove, grades, jack n the Box, finals, studying, being grounded, hospitals, whores, arguing, Mr. Waldo, leah(from my skool), rude ppl, bruises, parents, donuts, things i like TRAMPOLINES, KOOLAID, snowboarding, playing guitar, sk8boarding, surfing, snow, wind, rock concerts, break dancing, hot girls(my school has a ton!!), staying out late, Apple Juice, Canada(i'm not canadian but o well), basketball, football, DSL, photography, friends, DC shoes, Vans, pac sun, VIDEO GAMES, Apple Jacks, Captin Crunch, Cinnomon Toast Crunch, people that sing outloud and are proud even when they know they cant sing, special balloons, fire, random shoutouts, water guns, The Hulk, Faggit fish, being an idiot, sky diving, tattoos, Palace, hacky sack, the starburst game, suck and blow, Cheese its, white gold, silver, rallies, electronics, minimum dayz, holidays, jokes, laughing so hard u cant breathe, jackass, stupid stunts, people that are outgoing, muscle shirts, SUVs, British...Canadian...& NY accents, shotgun, getting paid, getting laid, candy, CRUISES, people with split personalities are cool, straight jackets, making videos, taking walks in the rain, making out in the rain, running around in the rain, basically anything u can do n the rain, essays, poems, writing, french, computers, messing w/ ppls heads, jamba juice, sobe, whipped cream, wakeboarding, Cabin at the lake in Lake Tahoe, Mont-Saint-Michel, drinking.., swimming, cameras, Jet skiing, Rock climbing, ceramics, frequency, riding dirt bikes, BMX, skits, graphics and designing, card games, street luge, playing pool, working out, sleeping, gummy bears, fun socks, break dancing. things i can live without ...arguements. things i can't live without ...i would just rather not be living...

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Subject: The Days and Jenny Time: 11:29 pm. Mood: okay. Music: Limp Bizkit - Faith.

As the week has gone on, everyday has gotten more and more worse than the previous day. Yesterday was fucking stupid as hell, i hated it. And today was worse. There were like 5 minutes of fun, other than that i just wanted it to end. I woke up at 1pm went downstairs for like 10 minutes then came back up and got online. People bitched at me until 4 then i left. I went for a walk down the street in the rain. Then i went to sophie's house until about 9:15. Her mom gave me a flu shot bc she's a nurse. I hung out there with sophie, carley, ben, kyle, and pierre. Carley started talking about how she was going to england in march over spring break and she said she had to stop in Houston TX for 4 hours, so out of nowhere we started making fun of ppl from texas. I guess it was wrong, but it was funny as hell so that was the highlight of my day. After that i came home and my sister told me she hated me, then my mom told me she couldnt depend on me. I just went to my room closed the door and wanted to be left to die. I decided to get online, big mistake... i argued with ppl online until i got tired of them. Jenny: Jenny basically turned my day around from shitty to great. She kept making me laugh and i couldnt stop smiling, she helped a lot. If you know her... then you know that she's probably the sweetest girl you'll ever meet. No one is ever as nice to me as she is. Anyways i feel a little better since i talked to her. She said something to me that made me feel reli good, bc i doubt anyone would ever think to say something like it. Idk i just know that i felt reli good talking to her, she's a cutie and she knows it. Also the most considerate person ever. We've been married for 10 months, which now days is longer than half the time people are reli married. xInSaNe DuCkYx: i have the biggest smile on my face right now She ROCKS!!! Jenny u know i love u.

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Subject: wth Time: 11:11 pm. Mood: tired. Music: Mest - chance of a lifetime.

My friends and i were in this chatroom, just hanging out... then like 27 other ppl out of nowhere came in and we were talking about suicide. So this kid was like "whats the best way to commit suicide when yer under 13?" and someone of the answers ppl said were crazy and some were serious. There were a few that made me laugh, but most of them were pretty serious... Here are some of the things ppl said... Tyler - get a gun call the cops when the cops come point the gun at their cop faces. Juan - Drowning yourself in your bathtub or in the pool, it's not messy, no one will ever doubt you're dead, of course; and best of all your parents will ever wonder if it was an accident...! Lindsey - Find daddys gun and "accidently" shoot yourself. Andy - umm........ visit iraq? Lee - Overdose on Elavil. Cody - is there anyone who has a bad life? well i do and i know that more people do. But the thing is that i've tried to kill myself many times but i really think i'm gonna do it cause the people at my sckool just make fun of me for everything and i just can't help it. i don't have a clue why but my life is coming to an end soon . when i was like 9 i never thought it would go this far, i didn't think that everyone would be this way to me, even my teachers just blame me for shit i didn't do. why shoudn't do .... there isn't a reason why i shoudn't. i cry myself to sleep just hoping i'll die in my sleep but if it's not going to work out that way i guess i'm just gonna do it myself ................................. no one can help me now Some guy i didnt know - im in the self-destructive phase at the moment which a lot of you probably know about, where you couldnt really care less what happens to you and you have the scars down your arms to prove it. i wish i could just end it all but theres something stopping me and i dont know what, maybe i just dont have the balls for it, i just really cant do this for much longer, i know that much... Surgio - The most effective way, so it seems, is to become drastic. Eat poison! Be alone, make sure no one is going to catch you (unless your a suicide chump) and down a shit-load of arsenic or some sweet tasting anti-freeze, mmm! Make sure u have enough or it will cost your family a goddamn fortune to hospitalize you. Request a cremation, it's cheaper. Who gives a fuck what happens to your dead body... it's dead! This guy named Dewy - I just wanted to say that I think suicide is a wonderful thing. Though I have yet to succeed, I am going to stop trying because of my children. (the entire time i was thinking... wtf is he doing in a chatroom when he's like 32) (this guy wanted everyone to call him dude so... Dude - suicide is dangerous if it's not done correctly, so if you chicken out, you're gonna end up with a painfull and embarrassing life in the ER! Alex - get married Rey(girl) - i am scared to be alive, my mother never stops making fun of me and i find myself talking to no one. i use to live for playing guitar but my mother took everthing i had to live for away . i fantasize about swallowing a cup of razor blades and never waking up. Dribbles - it's painless and absolutely great.... lock yourself in a caravan and make sure everything is shut ... then turn on the little gas stove and just leave it.. u will get gased out and just fall asleep and never wake up :) Mizzie(chick was INSANE) - forget to breathe is my suggestion. by not breathing you are cutting off the oxygen supply to your lungs which pumps oxygen to the heart which pumps oxygen into the blood. the blood then bring oxygen to your cells, so with out oxygen your cells die, and eventually you die. you have to be very good at this stop breathing, because if you suck then you're breathing in, and you defeat the whole purpose. Chris - Well ive bin considerin followin all this advice on how to kill yourself and i wanted to put my own advice in! 1. Ride yor bike head on with a semi. 2. Bake Anti Freeze in your Christmas cokkies. 3. Spray Wasp Spray in a plastic bag and stick it over your head with an elastic bag. Steve - If you feel you must kill yourself, then do it. Though the thought of inflicting deadly pain on yourself may be horrifying, it's the only way you're going to succeed, because pills on their own or even with alcohol are pretty useless. They'll most likely just leave you with some damage to your organs if anything. If you actually want to end your life then you're going to have to use something more reliable than pills. Michael(this guy was like dead on accurate about EVERYTHING) - Ok, go to psychiatrist with the parents, tell them you are depressed and obtain a prescription for Anafranil a potentially lethal tricyclic antidepressant. Make sure to get at least one pill for every pound of body weight, wash down pills with ice cold Grey Goose Vodka (Flavoured Vodka can add an air of tastefulness to the experience, I used citrus). Anafranil is hepto-toxic and painless but unfortunately juvenile livers have a remarkable resilience and that’s why so many pills are called for. I did this but am obviously not dead, although I couldn’t walk or contract any muscles for a while and was on a respirator. Damn pinche doctors always fighting to save your life so you might want to wait until you body will not be found for at least 12 hours. Peak plasma for Anafranil is obtained in about four hours at which point you will pass out and slowly stop breathing, a peaceful, painless way to go and your family can still have an open casket funeral. On the upside the Anafranil OD seemed to hardwire my brain differently not so depressed anymore however, I still firmly believe that your life is your own and no one has the right to tell you that you have to live if you don’t want to. Just make sure you really think about it, there’s no going back. Oh and remember to fill out a living will before attempting suicide (only 1 in 10 suicides succeed) with an Advance Medical Directive and DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order if anything goes wrong you don’t want to be a vegetable ad infinitum, this will ensure prompt death. Of course this is rather selfish as your organs will not be fit for transplant as they would be with the old gun in mouth. Destinne - hang yourself from a tree, and then kick the chair from under your feet. Bily - Tell your dad that you fucked your mom when he was nailin the chick that babysits you. Johnny - There's never a situation that is bad enough to kill oneself. Move to a different city or something, get a dog, watch porn, smoke weed. Bily - carbon mononxide Greyson - ok, straight answer, if you really willing to commit suicide, you must be very determined so you will go to heights to achieve you goal, so the abosolute best way of commiting suicide is carbon monoxide, loads of it, just inhale and you're gone within 20 seconds, totally painless, you can get it from industiral stores, although you will need a licence to get some, but since you are very determined you will find a way round. However, what happens after you die ? what if it's worse than now? what if there really is a god and hell, and all religious stuff (puts off most people)? Nikki - To me the best way to kill yourself is to take pills and take a lot because if you dont your not going anywhere. I have been trying and thinking about suicide since i was 12 and i'm 15 now. i felt like i was alone in the world and nobody cared if i lived or died. i was in love with a 19 yr. old named Antwan (i was 12 at the time) and one day he asked could he come over and wait for my brother to come home and i said he could. He parked his car down to road at an old house. he came in and sat beside me and started to touch me. i mean i liked him, but, i was still ony 12 and he took my virginity, that night and i have never seen him since and felt broken inside like a play toy. (who shares that kind of stuff?) Marisa - slit ur wrist Sarah - I'm 17 and have a boyfriend who loves me a lot. But I sometimes wished he had never fallen so deeply in love with me, because i'm hindered from jumping out of my apartment 15 stories high, because the vision of his face just clouds my mind and makes me falter. It's so painful to be trapped, when your heart so wants to die. There seems to be nothing to be happy about in life, with my parents expecting me to ace my exams since i've been all my life, yet i'm spiralling downward now even though I study so hard. They don't seem to care. Friends at school are fake and competitive and don't give a damn about me. I hate myself. I feel I deserve so much punishment for being such a pathetic and hopeless person all my life. What's the point of living when there's nothing to be happy about? Me - One of the things parents do is they pressure their fucking kid until he/she cant take it anymore and then when he/she kills themself... they wonder wtf were his reasons. If my parents did that i would tell them to get off my ass. It's just like the movie After Jimmy. Parents are always so confused and they dont know what they did wrong or whatever. Chill the fuck out, get off yer kids ass, give them space, believe in them, TALK TO THEM but not to the point where yer annoying as fuck. I bet if parents payed attention to their fuckin kids half of them wouldnt commit suicide. Parents are fuckin stupid. bily - so.... you take a hot bath and you are listening to your favorite music and after that you're inviting the radio to your water. Jose - Age dont matter when you want to commit suicide. i am 21 and life doesnt mean anything to me. my whole life has been nothing but pain, hurt , drama, when you have so much sadness for some people suicide is the only answer. i have tried committing suicide plenty of times and of course i have failed and was sent to so many different shrinks but i dont care i still see no point of life no pill or shrink cant take away your depression if is this how u are i think depression is my happiness Oliver - Fill a bath up with salt water then drop electrical appliances in it, then sit in it. Talli - down a bottle of toilet cleaner Alex - the best way to kill yourself under 13 is umm... choking on playdoh? Chris - jump out the window Me - What if yer window is 2 feet off the ground. Some Random Person - Fuck all you mother fuckin bitchss! I died twice already. I am fucking immortal as I found out though my suicide attempts. Yes, I evolved into a neo-ape like little god. I could kill simply by my infinite mental power. If you want to die, send me your picture, your name, and how you want to die. I will try to kill at least one of you a day. I just evolved, so my power is still very limited. It is an exhausting mental pocess. Money don't mean shit to me, I am a little god, I do it free of charge. Jinxy - Run into a solid brick wall head first, going really fast on a skateboard. edith - eating candies till you can`t breath Dan - - Go to a cemetary and fuck an ancient corpse, if the maggots inside your body don't kill you, the VD and sicknesses you get will. - Put glass in your food and start eating. Yummy! - Put your head in front of a door and slam it until you're head falls off - Quick and painless: Jump head first from your roof. Don't be a pussy, if its not high, it WILL HURT. And if its not head first, you probably wont even die. ........THAT's enough. Now i'm fuckin tired... so i'm going to bed. It has gotten to the point... where i believe that the only way to fix my problem, is not to kill myself, but to kill every one else. i have a all or nothing attitude... and personally i want it all.

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Subject: Weird Time: 11:14 pm. Mood: content. Music: The All-American Rejects - The Cigarette Song.

Have you ever been minding yer own business and out of nowhere someone just starts bitching at u? I've been sitting here for the last 2 hours playing on Photoshop (thanx DAVE), and out of nowhere someone starts insulting me. Take a Look... SpottenLtt: you cold hearted son of a bitch...u still like to talk shit and butt in where u dont belong....u dont know who ur fuckin with do you? Auto response from Smilez r Unreal: photoshop SpottenLtt: well luke, get a mother fuckin life and stop tryin to fuck things up between me and eric...and tell that lil bitch Sam to shut her fuckin mouth SpottenLtt: got that you lil fuckin worthless peice of shit, you don't know what I've been threw and I DON'T need you fuckin shit up for me when it's just startin to balance out (then she signed off) 1st - i havent talked to laura in over a month 2nd - i havent talked to eric in a long as time. 3rd - Sam and i barely ever talk. 4th - i havent said shit about anyone for any reason... well michelle, but she's another story. MOVING ON... today was good. All my classes were funny as hell esp. math and english. idk y but they were. Steph... 4 Months sweety i love you!!!

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Subject: back to skool Time: 11:22 pm. Mood: content. Music: Homegrown - Not alone.

Obviously today i had to go to school. It was ok. My 1st period class always goes by slow as hell, but i deal with it.... usually by sleeping but today i stayed awake. lol 2nd period was ok... band is band it's pretty much fun all the time. 3rd period was stupid... My teacher is like a fucking 10 yer old. He was talking about Christopher Reed for no fucking reason and he was making fun of him idk why bc if it were him i doubt he would find being paralized very funny. I'm always absent for reasons that you dont need to know about, and everytime i come back to class he talks shit about how i'm always gone in front of the class. Today he started talking about how i had some tropical disease that he made up, and when he started talking to me in front of the class i told him "he'd feel sorry if he knew what was reli wrong" and he shut up after that. Didnt say anything to me for the rest of the hour. Sometime he can be funny but other times he's a dumbass. Don't think i dont have a sense of humor, but the shit he talks about isnt funny. 4th period was ... interesting. Emily took my pringles and i decided instead of having to chase her for them i would just let her have the rest. Mykala kept talking to me about the weirdest things idk y. Nathan and Jose decided to ditch... in the middle of class which made no sence. I harassed paige most of the period bc she just lost her last baby tooth lol which to me was weird all mine were gone by time i was like 10. Or sooner. Moving on.... 5th period kicked ass, but it always does bc idk it just does. I always have fun in that class. Then 6th period we were in the Wrestling room watching some video on Yoga or something that we had to follow along with. It was funny as hell, but u had to be there. If you've ever heard Brian Regan talk about yoga ... thats exactly what it was like... "simply take the bottom of yer right foot and place it on the small of your back. Now take yer left leg, throw it over the back of yer neck like a scarf, and BREATHE!" During the entire video i laughed my ass off. I have about 2 weeks of make up work for each class, and all together i've had 20 absents' if you want to know why, ask me. Since i have a lot of shit to do, i doubt i'll be playing basketball for the winter. I dont want to get off track and then fall behind and have a huge mess of shit to fix b4 finals in January. I'll play competitive in the spring and over the summer in between football conditioning. I also have ACT's, SAT's, and a million other tests to take for colleges to look at when i start to apply. Chances are i wont stay here and i'll end up doing 2 years abroad and if i like it then 4 more years. Then again you never know... plans change. I'll see what happens. CuteKittyKat505: 1 week Smilez r Unreal: until? CuteKittyKat505: you dont know?! lol Smilez r Unreal: lol Smilez r Unreal: my birthday CuteKittyKat505: ...really? Smilez r Unreal: lol 1 WEEK! k i'm going to sleep now.

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Subject: A few things Time: 6:53 pm. Mood: depressed. Music: All-American Rejects - My Paper Heart.

Today sucked... the last thing i wanted to do was wake up. [Name] luke [Nickname] doesnt matter [Screen name] Smilez r unreal [Birthday] December 8 [Age] 16 [Astrological sign?] i've told u b4 [Chinese zodiac sign?] doesnt matter [Location] Hell [Sexual Preference] ...girls [Marital Status] taken [Religion] Christian [Eye color] i've told u b4 [Height] 6'3 [Shoe size] told you b4 [Parents still together?] mhm [Siblings?] 4 well no it's more like 9 but we'll go with 4 [ Nieces/Nephews? ] no [ Kids of your own? ] ya about 12... no [ Grandkids? ] whats with the kid questions?!?! [ Pets?] 3 [ In school/graduated? ] In school [ Rent, lease, or own your home?] own [ Have any credit cards? ] no [ What do you drive? ] Chevy GMC 2003 trailblazer Preferences Favorites [ Color] you know this [ Number ] and this [ Animal ] and this [ Vehicle ] dont care [ Flower ] none [ Scent ] dont care [ Shape ] i dont fucking care [ Drinks ] apple juice [ Soda ] dont like soda [ Book ] Cape May Court House [ Band ] ...a lot [ Song ] Smile Empty Soul - With This Knife Do you... [ Color your hair? ] sometimes [ Twirl your hair? ] no [ Have tattoos? ] no [ Piercings? ] ya [ Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both? ] girlfriend [ Cheat on tests/homework? ] hell ya... there's no point in EVERYONE doing it. [ Drink/Smoke? ] drink [ Like roller coasters? ] yes [ Wish you could live somewhere else?] YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [ Want more piercings?] no [ Like cleaning? ] idc [ Write in cursive or print? ] both [ Carry a donor card? ] no [ Swear a lot? ] yes [ Own a web cam? ] yea, but i dont like using it. [ Know how to drive? ] yes [ Diet? ] fuck no [ Own a cell phone? ] i will [ Ever get off the damn computer? ] ya [ Hablar Espanol? ] fuck no it SUCKS!!!!! Have you ever... [ Gotten a speeding ticket?] no [ DUI? ] no [ Been in a wreck? ] possibly [ Been arrested? ] no comment [ Been in a fist fight? ] yes [ Kicked someone in the nuts? ] no and someone did it to me i would kill them. [ Stolen anything? ] yes [ Held a gun? ] .... [ Drank? ] yes [ Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name? ] no [ Considered a life of crime? ] maybe [ Considered being a hooker? ] no [ Cheated on someone? ] -cough- [ Been married? ] yes [ Cried over a girl? ] ... [ Cried over a boy? ] my brother [ Lied to someone? ] yes [ Been in love? ] yes [ Fallen for your best friend? ] uh no [ Made out with JUST a friend? ] yes [ Been rejected? ] no [ Been in lust? ] yes [ Used someone? ] no comment [ Been used? ] doubt it [ Been cheated on? ] yes [ Been kissed? ] yes [ Experimented with homosexuality?] no Now [Current mood] depressed [Current music] A-AR - Last Song [Current taste] Pringles [Current hair] whatever [Current annoyance] people [Current smell] pringles [Current thing I ought to be doing] french project [Current windows open] SBC Yahoo, Kazaa, AIM, My Documents, Pictures, etc. [Current desktop picture] http://f1.pg.briefcase.yahoo.com/lukasssk8r24 and look in the "everything" folder [Current favorite band] enough with the band questions. [Current book] I'll find out tomorrow in English [Current cds in stereo] empty [Current crush] ...none [Current favorite celeb] none [Current hate] .....myself [Current job] none The last time [Last book you read] This Boys Life [Last movie you saw] if any movie counts then tonight i watched Anger Management [Last thing you had to drink] apple juice [Last thing you ate] pie [Last person you talked to on the phone] for the past few days everytime the phone rang... i picked it up and hung it up. Do you [Do drugs?] no [Have a dream that keeps coming back?] yes and it's not a dream... it's a nightmare [Play an instrument?] yes [Believe there is life on other planets?] no [Remember your first love?] yes [Still love him/her?] ..no [Read the newspaper?] yes [Have any gay or lesbian friends?] yes [Believe in miracles?] not anymore [Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?:] maybe [Consider yourself tolerant of others?] Most of the time. [Consider love a mistake?] a mistake no, but a promise destined to be broken yes. [Have a favorite candy?] gummy bears [Believe in astrology?] maybe [Believe in magic?] no [Believe in God?] yes [Do well in school?] when i'm there [Go to or plan to go to college] yes but not in this fucking country [Wear hats?] yes [Have any piercings?] yes [Have any tattoos?] no [Hate yourself?] yes [Have an obsession?] ..other than my girlfriend no. [Have a secret crush?] no [Do they know yet?] .... [Collect anything?] ..hats [Have a best friend?] yes [Close friends?] yes [Like your handwriting?] yes [Care about looks?] no =Love life= [First crush] dont know... dont care [First kiss] dont remember it was in 2nd grade. [Single or attached?] attached [Ever been in love?] yes [Do you believe in love at first sight?] no [Do you believe in "the one?"] possibly [Describe your ideal significant other] one word... steph Juicy stuff [Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?] lol yes [Have you ever been intoxicated?] yes [Favorite place to be kissed] i reli dont care [Are you a tease?] i dont know [Shy to make the first move?] never Are you a [Wuss] not reli [Druggy] no [Daydreamer] Sometimes [Freak] aren't we all? [Dork] aren't we all? [Bitch/Asshole] sometimes [Brat] no [Sarcastic] very [Goody-goody] definitely not [Angel] no [Devil] no [Shy] no [Talkative] ..only in class [Adventurous] most of the time [Joker] yes [Flirty] ...unfortunately it's a bad habit. ppl think i'm flirting when i dont even know it, but whatever. Word association [Rock] solid [Green] trees [Wet] water [Cry] pain [Peanuts] suck [Hay] hey [Cold] winter [Steamy] room [Fast] action [Freaky] movie [Rain] puddle [Bite] teeth [Suck] .... [Blow] job [Hard] knocks ..The I love you's that came in today. CuteKittyKat505: ...i love you luke.. (I love you too steph) xInSaNe DuCkYx: luke, i love you Sophie Calishortstuf347: you coming to school tomorrow Auto response from Smilez r Unreal: Life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away. Like choking.... Calishortstuf347: that was sweet until it said choking lol Steph CuteKittyKat505: im sorry that you have to go thru all this, and you know that whenever you need me, i'll be here ok? i'll never leave yer side CuteKittyKat505: and whenever you feel like you have nothing left, thats not true.. because you will always have me CuteKittyKat505: i love you luke, and i care so much about you, and i dont want anything to ever cause you pain.. and if i could i would get rid of it all. but i cant.. and im sorry i couldnt do much more CuteKittyKat505: i hope you realize that no matter what goes on, no matter what comes between us, anything that happens.. i'll still be there, bc i love you. and thats all that matters to me Steph you'll always be the only good reason. Never will there be anyone else like you. You keep saying that you wish you could help... well you are helping by being here.

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Subject: Without you or With you Time: 10:13 pm. Mood: depressed. Music: Matchbook Romance - She'll Never Understand.

Wrote this a long time ago... you might recognize it... "Without you or With you" I have woken up again, to the gray mornings oppressive pallor, that falls as a shroud on my sadness and confusion. I feel my heart has been shattered and left to die here on the dusty floor, covered with your footprints. Tracks of time and memory, all linked back to you, your figure, sometimes silhouetted by the dusk or the dawn, how I could simply stare till I lost myself in you, as you moved, curves mesmerizing, bringing passion to flower, bright red within me. Now that flower lies wilting in forgotten corners, leaves turning from green to brown. I can only sit now and wonder, what went wrong? Is there something I could have done better or different? Is there something I should have done? Is there something I shouldn't have done? These questions circle like vultures around me, as the unforgiving sun of sorrow bears down. I wander streets, but they offer nothing now. I can only see everything crumbling around me. I can only see the pollution in the rivers, the garbage in the streets, the empty eyes of beggars and addicts, the boarded up storefronts, the blowing pieces of paper in the road, that you or I may have once written out our promises to each other. What do these papers matter now? All the promises have been broken. Best to burn them, try to burn the memory out. Burn everything that may remind me of you. But that would mean burning myself to ashes. I cannot look at myself without thinking of you. When did I give this vital piece of myself to you? When did you decide it wasn't worth holding on to? But you can't just throw it away. It still feels like its with you now, wherever you may be, and it hurts to have it missing. But even if you did come back now, begging and pleading for forgiveness, and swearing to never leave my side, I'm not sure I could take you back, though a part of me wants that desperately. Why? Why should I desire the one who hurt me so? This is all too confusing. I consider myself a masochist, but aren't we all in a way? Isn't pain such an integral part of experience, that there's no escape? Just to live is to hurt? Or perhaps, to hurt is to live? Do we secretly desire broken dreams and pain? So secretly even we ourselves don't know we do? When it seems the entire world is in pain today, what's left to do besides hurt? I could cry for the ten thousandth time, but what purpose would it serve? I could cry till it washes away the dust on the floor, but the pain would go on. I can only force myself through another meaningless day. Find some reason, no matter how seemingly small, trivial or obscure, to get through these dark hours. Where it feels like every second is midnight, and paradise a filthy lie, and love but a promise destined to be broken.

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Subject: Alone Time: 8:52 am. Mood: depressed. Music: Smile Empty Soul - With This Knife.

Alone Again Six o'clock in the morning Afraid to open my eyes Another day of grief, A day of fear. All alone I feel. I try to justify all the pain, All of this guilt before my eyes. Another day of confusion, A day of wondering. Is it ever just going to go away? All this pain that I feel, And all this anger, is it going to stay? Eleven o'clock in the evening, Afraid of the nightmares. Again my breathing stops. All I can do is stare into the night. What is it that causes this feeling? Another night of crying, A night of hiding, Alone once again. My heart feels empty, And I can't cry another tear. Another day wasted on insecurity, A day of wonder. Is this ever going to end?

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Time: 8:07 am. Mood: depressed. Music: Taking back Sunday - Your Own Disaster.

Stone Tears by Craig Kendall My emotions pick up power and speed Then break and smash and explode at my heart. The great surges of my feelings impede All that's consciously right. I start to cry. Every tear sends waves of unseen feelings Through the hidden surface of our lives. They roll and fall until all love is gone, All life is lived, and each feeling explored. Last For everything there must come a last. A last minute, a last hour, a last month, day, or year. A last drink, a last coke, a last tequila, scotch, or beer. A last love, a last heart, a last kiss, hug, or rage... Or even the last words written on a page. But the worst last thing is your last breath because what is to follow will surely be your death. The Cry Of Our Hearts There is a great deal of depression that has overtaken my soul, It floods deep within, into every inch that makes me whole. I wonder and worry of thought throughout the day, What is to come, to my dismay. As a flood of tears pour out of me in all my expressions, more and more comes, more and more depression. I assure myself everything is ok! But who am I fooling? Then I burst into a spirit of rage. I have questions, and there are answers. But I'm afraid and much too weak, When I try to explain, I hear I'm hearing wrong and need to be meek. But this is how I feel, there's no wrong or right, But as I battle with myself, I always lose the fight. I feel intimidated sometimes by others, But as I said "This is how I feel" The pain in me is very real. I lose control, my thought go wild, and here I am only a child. If only you knew what I thought, If only you knew what I fought. I need my thoughts held captive.

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Subject: Feeling weird... Time: 11:11 pm. Mood: indescribable. Music: Mest - Chance of a Lifetime.

How can you feel so many different things at once? Everyone keeps asking me what's wrong and all i can say is "idk i'm confused." I dont even know what i'm confused about. I know what i'm feeling, but there's no word to describe it i could give u a list of feelings and a shit load of songs that would kind of give you an example of how i feel but i dought anyone besides dave will actually know. My mom's starting to think i'm manic-depressive which could make sence but the manic part doesnt exactly apply to me. If you have no idea what the hell i'm talking about... go here.. Manic-Depressive If you read that you should understand it... if not then yer just stupid. running seems like a good idea. "i let myself fall into a lie" (half of you know it... the other half doesnt and never will) No matter how loud i'm screaming inside no one seems to hear it. songs that somewhat explain how i feel... Smile Empty Soul - With this Knife Bottom of the Bottle All My Problems I Want my Life The Ataris - Beautiful Mistake Life Makes No Sense Let it Burn Between You and Me Story of the Year - Until the Day i Die All-American Rejects - Time Stands Still One More Sad Song The Last Song Stone Sour - Bother Trapt - Echo Something Corporate - Not What it Seems The Used - Burried Myself Alive On my Own Blue and Yellow Yellowcard - Way Away The Suicide Machines - I hate Everything Three Doors Down - Here without you Rufio - Follow Me Riddlin' Kids - I feel Fine Mest - Walking on Broken Glass Breaking Down Drawing Board I Melt With You Jaded 2000 Miles Chance of a Lifetime I'm sure half of the songs you've never heard and if you decide to listen to any... listen to Mest - Chance of a Lifetime

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Subject: Happy Thanksgiving Time: 10:17 pm. Mood: content. Music: Marc Anthony - My Baby You.

K i'm bored and i'm about to go to sleep. I had an over all good day, and i hope everyone else did too. If not i'm sorry... don't worry, tomorrow is another day. Anyway... Happy Thanksgiving! Things That were said.... incarceration8: i translated that thing in ur profile and i was like :'( Smilez r Unreal: aw y? incarceration8: idk thats so sweet.. xInSaNe DuCkYx: happy turkey day! waY ToO h0t: happy turkey day!!! What's living if you never pull down your shorts and slide on the ice? - Even Stevens Clear your mind must be - Yoda I'm sorry i never showed you how much i love you. - my dad ------------------------ About You 01) full name? Lucas James Davidson 02) where do you live? CA 03) where were you born? in a hospital 04) how many siblings? too many ... uh 5 well no 4... it kinda depends.. 05) parents name? mom and dad 06) eye color? changes 07) hair color? dark brown 08) skin color? BLUE! 09) name 1 think u like to do? play guitar 10) pets? cat, snake, rabbit 11) school? El Camino FUNDAMENTAL High School.... ppl hate it when i throw in fundamental 12) mascot? Eagle favorites 13) drink? apple juice 14) movie? Lion King or Stealing Harvard 15) food? seafood!!! 16) candy? gummy bears 17) name? ... 18) tv show? Family Guy 19) color? black, red, blue, white, gray 20) season? winter 21) vacation place? Cabin in Lake Tahoe, My grandpa's house in MD 22) word? fuck least favorite 23) food? ...not thing reli... but if u ever want me to throw up... make me eat at Chevys 24) color? orange 25) drink? coffee 26) season? summer 27) name? ..mine getting personal 28) single? no 29) crush? um.. no 30) first kiss? uh.. some girl in 2nd grade 31) ideal date? ... 32) worst kiss? no judgment 33) how many gf's/bf's have you had? unfortunately a lot 34) somebody break yer heart? =/ 35) break somebodys heart? most likely 36) believe in love? yea 37) in love? yes last... 29) drink? something orange... idk it belonged to james i just took it and drank... he wouldn't have anyway. 29) thing u ate? pie 30) thing u said? can you get out 31) thing u wore? clothes 32) time u slept? uh last night 33) thing u heard? idk 34) person you saw? my mom 35) thing u noticed? that my feet are cold 36) thing u touched? my keyboard? 37) time you showered? this morning 38) person you called? jess 39) person that called you? my mom 40) time u kissed someone? few minutes ago when -cough- someone's sister walked into my room lmao jk 41) time you laughed? when syd threw a block at my dad's head Finish this sentence 42) what are you: doing 43) i know you: cant walk yer leg is broken 44) Take a walk: in the rain 45) Girls don't: know what the fuck they're talking about 46) Boys don't: care? 47) My: head hurts 48) Through: thick and thin 49) Stick: by my side 50) Take: this 20 and give me 4 needles? 51) She's: insane 52) He's: not really drunk 53) This is: the last time i save you from the cat. What comes to mind... 54) wood? fire 55) stick? beating ppl 56) breathe? choke 57) life? hell 58) truth? trust 59) lion? king 60) strong? morals 61) lost? found 62) surrender? death 63) gone? for good 64) far? too long random questions 65) what do u smell? nothing 66) favorite smell? dont kno 67) what are you doing at the moment? wondering how i'm going to kill the spider on my wall...he's watching me! 68) time? 11

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