big bigger biggest man   
12:16am 21/02/2003
mood: anxious
music: the new song duh
I feel like a big star
a big star
a big star
i wish i might
on whatever you are

I feel like a big man
a big man
a big man
so run run as fast as you can

and so i roll on my back
and i sleep the day away
i don't want to fight off any more demons
so i'll just stay awake

(2 bruises | kick me!)

10:17am 14/02/2003

I can see my wings, I just need you to see them

( kick me!)

I don't wear make-up anymore, and apparently i've been cutting   
09:47am 14/02/2003
music: cat power cross bones style
I don't want it

And i'm going to scream at you until my voice is hoarse and i'm red in the face
blue in the face

I don't want your fucking substances
i don't want to be your idea of happy
because i don't want to be comfortably numb
I want to smile
for real
i want to want to smile with my whole face
i want the chance to get angry
i want things to phase me

People are supposed to react to things
thats what our emotions are fucking for
I don't want to sit in your office
stare out the window
and listen to you telling me that i'm depressed
because i only have one or two good friends
You don't hear me
telling you that
"hey, buddy, i like my friends, and to tell you the truth i don't have the time,
or the energy for that matter,
for any more than a few"
I must be depressed, you're right
it must be a chemical imbalance
that i try to have a relationship with my father
and he's already mad at me about nothing when he walks in the door at night and makes me cry and vomit
you're right
thats gotta be chemical
it must be a chemical imbalance
that i want to leave school
because i am told on a daily basis that women
are only good for one thing
and that there should only be blue collar caucasians in America
Yeah, it must be me
that has this dysfunction
this "imbalance"

"So for your evaluation, mal,
do you want to see a man or a woman?"
I care "I don't care."
They want me to choose
How can i fucking choose
what stranger i want to talk to about why i'm sad
and ask them to "diagnose" me
whatever the fuck that is

I'll tell you why i'm sad
ok, i'm sad because...
are you ready?
I'm sad because
people get sad
people deal with heartbreak
and hormones
and hormones
and hormones
I am 16 years old
almost 17
i almost feel like it would be abnormal if
i wasn't sad.

So tell me
is this pain diminishing perfect pretty little mind-numbing pill
going to take me out of my school
and my home
and this town
and root me somewhere so fucking far away and extremely opposite
from where i am now???

then fuck you its a waste of my time
and a waste of space in my body

(1 bruise | kick me!)

perfect fit   
03:02pm 12/02/2003
mood: numb
music: cat power. water& air
I remember when
you walked me through
the parking lot
and i was so sad
oh god so sad sad
i was crying
i couldn't stand up straight
and i was holding your sleeve
like it was the only thing
keeping me from
slipping into the downspiral
i called my life
like an oil spill
in the parking lot that night

You motioned for me
to sit down
first on the curb
but it was wet
so you picked me up
like a little girl
like a little responsibility
and put me down on the back of your car
you put your hands on my knees
leaned in to kiss me

i don't know
maybe it was because of
everything i knew about you
and everything i didn't
maybe it was everything i knew
about what you needed
or didn't need

maybe i just didn't want to cry
in your mouth
that was too intimate
but, i want you to know
i appreciated the gesture
even though i pushed you away

So instead i just thanked you
without saying anything
i just looked at my hands
and i looked at yours
resting comfortably on my knees
and somehow you knew
you just kind of understood how grateful i was

*Oh god*
and i threw my arms around your neck
let all the breath run out of me
shakey and slow
I could feel your eyes closing
your lashes on my neck
as you exhaled into my grip
but as much as it fit
i couldn't close my eyes and relax
like you did
i just buried my mouth
in your shoulder
and stared into that oil spill
warping our bodies
as it reflected our image
back into my attack
back into panic

you could have been one half of a
perfect fit

(1 bruise | kick me!)

To Dad:   
09:40am 12/02/2003
mood: irritated
music: chatterbox
You're right

I'm the reason this family is falling apart
I'm the reason your marriage is suffering
I'm the reason post-op patients fall down flights of stairs
I'm the reason you come home in a bad mood every night
and scream at us even though we've done nothing wrong

Why don't you take it even further, dad?
Hell, I caused global warming
I'm the reason that children are starving
I created terrorists
And I kill babies
I'm the reason there are serial killers
I'm the kinda girl who gets raped because she was
"asking for it"
I cause hate crimes
I'm the reason there are child molesters
drug users

I caused air pollution
I cause suicide
and eating disorders
I cause homicide
heart disease
I'm the reason there is a hell
i'm the reason people go there
and, according to you, i'm gonna be there shortly

I'm the reason kids run away
I cause teen pregnancy
I cause "men of god" to touch children
I'm the reason people are kidnapped
I'm the reason there are thiefs
I'm the reason there are sweatshops
and if you're in the city
and you see a homeless person
that was probably me too
I'm the reason that young girls ingest
too many hormones
and get there periods and develop breasts
at the ripe age of eight

I rose your fucking taxes
i elected the wrong president
even though i can't even vote

I know dad, its all my fault. But don't yell at her and make her cry
because you'd like to close fist me across the face.
Don't yell at her at the top of your lungs so close to her face that you spit all over her

If you've got beef with me, make it with me. Don't make her feel like a failure as a mother

There, i've confessed to all of my sins, i've admitted fault to every wrong thing in this universe that i can think of. I know there's probably more that you'd like to say, so why don't you fill in the fucking blanks

excuse me if i don't want to stick around to hear your fucking tirade though, i think i'd rather stick my head in the oven.

Fuck you, for making me feel real. And fuck you for making it hurt.

( kick me!)

psycho babble volume one   
09:33am 11/02/2003
mood: grateful
music: Belly...every word
so ummm...

fuck an introduction, i'm going to let you get an idea of ME by letting me babble about nothing in particuar. This isn't a fucking profile, its a fucking journal.

Ok...I'm so fucking excited about Sleater-Kinney i'm not even fucking functioning right now. Its going to be so fucking rocking, i'll probably be puking in a corner the entire nite out of pure insane contentness. And dancing...oh god will there be dancing, and if you are there...and you ARE NOT dancing, i will throw things at you until you do kind of like punk kids who throw things at you until you DON'T.

Ok so next:

Keyke, i wanted to tell you that you are really an amazing person. You are a loudmouthed girl and you are the first person i feel like myself around. I don't want to be the fucking girl who sits around and wants to be a musician but can't get her act together enough to do something about it. I love how you're making me a diy girl when i was always so indifferent before. I love how you make me WANT to do things, and i love how you, just by being keyke, have showed me what i CAN have, as opposed to what i can't. I love how you don't take advantage of the fact that i try to be a nice person to see what you can gain. I love how you are so easy to be around. I thought i should tell you about a conversation i had with my guidance counselor today about what my options were with school. I don't know how, but we were talking about my goals and what i want to achieve in the future and somehow the conversation turned to you. I was telling her about "this girl" you know "this friend" i have and how different "she" was from any other friend i've had. And i felt, with all the things i'm struggling with right now, when i start thinkning about how you and i have connected, and related, talked, ........blah blah blah, well, when i started talking about it i realized that you are probably one of the only reasons that i'm NOT depressed when i leave that school. Because i can call you when i get home and talk about shit with you that no one else really gets or relates to. Soo, in the words of you:


(2 bruises | kick me!)