| big bigger biggest man | ||||
| 12:16am 21/02/2003 | ||||
a big star a big star i wish i might on whatever you are I feel like a big man a big man a big man so run run as fast as you can and so i roll on my back and i sleep the day away i don't want to fight off any more demons so i'll just stay awake |
||||
| impaled | |||
| 10:17am 14/02/2003 | |||
 I can see my wings, I just need you to see them |
|||
| ( kick me!) |
|||
| I don't wear make-up anymore, and apparently i've been cutting | ||||
| 09:47am 14/02/2003 | ||||
And i'm going to scream at you until my voice is hoarse and i'm red in the face blue in the face I don't want your fucking substances i don't want to be your idea of happy because i don't want to be comfortably numb I want to smile for real i want to want to smile with my whole face i want the chance to get angry i want things to phase me People are supposed to react to things thats what our emotions are fucking for I don't want to sit in your office stare out the window and listen to you telling me that i'm depressed because i only have one or two good friends You don't hear me telling you that "hey, buddy, i like my friends, and to tell you the truth i don't have the time, or the energy for that matter, for any more than a few" I must be depressed, you're right it must be a chemical imbalance that i try to have a relationship with my father and he's already mad at me about nothing when he walks in the door at night and makes me cry and vomit you're right thats gotta be chemical it must be a chemical imbalance that i want to leave school because i am told on a daily basis that women are only good for one thing and that there should only be blue collar caucasians in America Yeah, it must be me that has this dysfunction this "imbalance" "So for your evaluation, mal, do you want to see a man or a woman?" I care "I don't care." They want me to choose How can i fucking choose what stranger i want to talk to about why i'm sad and ask them to "diagnose" me whatever the fuck that is I'll tell you why i'm sad ok, i'm sad because... are you ready? I'm sad because people get sad people deal with heartbreak and hormones and hormones and hormones I am 16 years old almost 17 i almost feel like it would be abnormal if i wasn't sad. So tell me is this pain diminishing perfect pretty little mind-numbing pill going to take me out of my school and my home and this town and root me somewhere so fucking far away and extremely opposite from where i am now??? No? then fuck you its a waste of my time and a waste of space in my body |
||||
| perfect fit | ||||
| 03:02pm 12/02/2003 | ||||
you walked me through the parking lot and i was so sad oh god so sad sad i was crying i couldn't stand up straight and i was holding your sleeve like it was the only thing keeping me from slipping into the downspiral i called my life like an oil spill in the parking lot that night You motioned for me to sit down first on the curb but it was wet uncomfortable so you picked me up like a little girl like a little responsibility and put me down on the back of your car you put your hands on my knees leaned in to kiss me i don't know maybe it was because of everything i knew about you and everything i didn't maybe it was everything i knew about what you needed or didn't need maybe i just didn't want to cry in your mouth that was too intimate but, i want you to know i appreciated the gesture even though i pushed you away So instead i just thanked you without saying anything i just looked at my hands and i looked at yours resting comfortably on my knees and somehow you knew you just kind of understood how grateful i was *Oh god* and i threw my arms around your neck let all the breath run out of me shakey and slow I could feel your eyes closing your lashes on my neck as you exhaled into my grip but as much as it fit i couldn't close my eyes and relax like you did i just buried my mouth in your shoulder and stared into that oil spill warping our bodies as it reflected our image back into my attack back into panic you could have been one half of a perfect fit |
||||
| To Dad: | ||||
| 09:40am 12/02/2003 | ||||
I'm the reason this family is falling apart I'm the reason your marriage is suffering I'm the reason post-op patients fall down flights of stairs I'm the reason you come home in a bad mood every night and scream at us even though we've done nothing wrong Why don't you take it even further, dad? Hell, I caused global warming I'm the reason that children are starving I created terrorists And I kill babies I'm the reason there are serial killers I'm the kinda girl who gets raped because she was "asking for it" I cause hate crimes I'm the reason there are child molesters domestic-abusers drug users rapists murderers I caused air pollution me alone I cause suicide and eating disorders I cause homicide cancer heart disease diabetes AIDS I'm the reason there is a hell i'm the reason people go there and, according to you, i'm gonna be there shortly I'm the reason kids run away I cause teen pregnancy I cause "men of god" to touch children I'm the reason people are kidnapped I'm the reason there are thiefs I'm the reason there are sweatshops and if you're in the city and you see a homeless person that was probably me too I'm the reason that young girls ingest too many hormones and get there periods and develop breasts at the ripe age of eight I rose your fucking taxes i elected the wrong president even though i can't even vote I know dad, its all my fault. But don't yell at her and make her cry because you'd like to close fist me across the face. Don't yell at her at the top of your lungs so close to her face that you spit all over her If you've got beef with me, make it with me. Don't make her feel like a failure as a mother There, i've confessed to all of my sins, i've admitted fault to every wrong thing in this universe that i can think of. I know there's probably more that you'd like to say, so why don't you fill in the fucking blanks excuse me if i don't want to stick around to hear your fucking tirade though, i think i'd rather stick my head in the oven. Fuck you, for making me feel real. And fuck you for making it hurt. |
||||
| ( kick me!) |
||||
| psycho babble volume one | ||||
| 09:33am 11/02/2003 | ||||
fuck an introduction, i'm going to let you get an idea of ME by letting me babble about nothing in particuar. This isn't a fucking profile, its a fucking journal. Ok...I'm so fucking excited about Sleater-Kinney i'm not even fucking functioning right now. Its going to be so fucking rocking, i'll probably be puking in a corner the entire nite out of pure insane contentness. And dancing...oh god will there be dancing, and if you are there...and you ARE NOT dancing, i will throw things at you until you do kind of like punk kids who throw things at you until you DON'T. Ok so next: Keyke, i wanted to tell you that you are really an amazing person. You are a loudmouthed girl and you are the first person i feel like myself around. I don't want to be the fucking girl who sits around and wants to be a musician but can't get her act together enough to do something about it. I love how you're making me a diy girl when i was always so indifferent before. I love how you make me WANT to do things, and i love how you, just by being keyke, have showed me what i CAN have, as opposed to what i can't. I love how you don't take advantage of the fact that i try to be a nice person to see what you can gain. I love how you are so easy to be around. I thought i should tell you about a conversation i had with my guidance counselor today about what my options were with school. I don't know how, but we were talking about my goals and what i want to achieve in the future and somehow the conversation turned to you. I was telling her about "this girl" you know "this friend" i have and how different "she" was from any other friend i've had. And i felt, with all the things i'm struggling with right now, when i start thinkning about how you and i have connected, and related, talked, ........blah blah blah, well, when i started talking about it i realized that you are probably one of the only reasons that i'm NOT depressed when i leave that school. Because i can call you when i get home and talk about shit with you that no one else really gets or relates to. Soo, in the words of you: THANK YOU |
||||
|
momma_said |
||
|
Friends Info Calendar My Website |
||