Another Day in my depressive life...   
01:34am 13/06/2003
mood: blah
music: the buzzing of bugs
Here's another quiz...I think this one's funny...some of the things they ask about are so true for me.


-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Today I woke up at 1. Then I organized my closet be removing all of my winter clothes from my closet and all of my summer clothes from my drawers and switched them. Now I feel all happy cause I hate going through my dresser like a madman looking for one particular item.
I felt inclined to organize my stuff since I bought a bunch of new tanks yesterday. I got two from target. One's just plain white with criss cross straps and the other is a pink and darker pink striped halter. And Express sent me a 15 dollar gift certificate in the mail so I decided to use it. I found 4 tanks I wanted but they added up to around $100 and that's entirely too much to spend on 4 pieces of clothing. So then I was all ticked off and I couldn't pick one to put back. I finally decided, and then I went up to pay. It turned out that this tube top I picked out was 30 bucks but I could pick out another tube top or terry cloth item and get them both for $34.50. So I was like fine I'll go pick out another one. I picked up this kinda ugly terry top since it was the only thing they had in my size in the tops and I didn't want shorts b/c I would have to try them on. So I went back up to pay...and the lady is all like "Were you trying to get to $75 cause you're a dollar fifty a way from it." I had no clue what she was talking about...I mean why would I be trying to get to $75. So I gave her this confused look and she is like your gift certificate goes up to $30 if you reach $75. So then I was all excited and I went and picked up the shirt I wanted originally but had put back since I didn't have enough money. I was so nervous that I still wouldn't have brain could not do all that math. So I just prayed that I would. It rang up to $60 (well 90 but minus the 30 from the certificate)...I was so amazed. I got 5 express tops for 60 bucks. That is just 12 dollars a top. Yay!!! And I added what they would have cost without my certificate and if everything was at its original price and it came up to 150. What a deal. I am still so excited. I haven't been this happy since I got a 100 on my English final. I'm so sure everyone cares about my shopping experience but I don't really care. Heck, I don't know if anyone even reads this since no one responds. So I'll go on to describe my 5 new tops, since they make me so happy. My favorite is the white tube top detailed with beaded flowers. Then I got two tops that are really hard to describe. One's really hot pink and one's black. They both are kinda low cut. The hot pink one is bunched all down both sides, making cool swoosh wrinkles which make my waist look smaller. The black I am not going to attempt to describe. All I can say is it reminds me of Mary-Kate and Ashley, so that's a plus. I am such a freak. Speaking of them today is their 17th birthday since it's 2am. I bet they'll get really expensive gifts like their matching range rovers last year. I envy them. Half of me really likes them and the other half of me hates them and is completely jealous of them. To be honest, they are pretty crappy actresses and producers. But they are so successful at such a young age...not to mention they are gorgeous. I think if I could look like anybody I would want to look like them. I am so completely off the subject of writing about my day...or yesterday I guess.
So after I organized my closet I had my first online guitar lesson...which I think did not go so well. Then I ate lunch at like 4...I had chicken strips, just like every other day. I followed lunch with Trading Spaces. Then I helped my mom get ready to go to Northern Exposure for girls night out. I was being really nice and I let her wear my shoes. This is not normal b/c I am highly attached to my 75 pairs of shoes. Then she was really nice and told me I look really pretty and that all the guys are going to flock after me when I go back to school in August. What a joke! I don't think guys even notice my existence, so I highly doubt they will come anywhere near me. I told her that and she was like, "No really they don't get much prettier than are so tan!" My mom has an obsession with tans. I told her that practically all the girls at Farragut either go to the tanning bed on a regular basis or own one. She was like well their tans are fake. Like it matters. A tan is a tan...they all look the same unless you use cheap tan in a bottle and turn orange. Not that I have anything against sunless tanners. They are much healthier. Because of this tan I may get melanoma and die. Oh well.
So my mom finally gave me the $30 she owed me, then she left. I really like it when she leaves cause I don't have to worry about her yelling at me to clean everything in the world. You know what one of my biggest pet peeves is? When people say, "I'm going to clean house today." It's the clean house part that bothers me. They need to put a the or my in there. I'm going to clean my house today. That has bothered me ever since I moved here from Cali. That was a really random thought.
Moving on...After my mom left I watched Sister, Sister and Lizzie McGuire. It was so weird cause exciting things happened on both episodes. On SS, Tia and Tamara found their biological father, and he was white...I thought that was funny. Tamara was all like, "I don't mean to be rude, but your white." She didn't believe that she was related to him. And on LM Gordo confessed that he likes Lizzie...not to her though...well kinda to her. He wrote to her advice column anonymously. I am such a loser...yes I do turn 17 in less than a month.
So after my TV, Annie called me from Young Life camp where she's working. That was exciting since I was really beginning to think that none of my friends care about me enough to call me. I feel so sorry for her...she has to do laundry all day. That would be awful. She says it's hard, but she's still glad she's there so that's good. She said she's already ruined a couple people's clothes...poor annie. I want her to come back so I will at least have one person to hang out with. Ashton called today from work and said she wanted to do something when she got off, but she never called. So I called her around ten and she was at T.G.I. Friday's getting dessert with church people, and she said she'd call back when she got home. It's too bad she didn't. Oh well, I still enjoyed my night.
Sean came home and we talked for a little while. I showed him what I learned from my lesson, which is not much. Then, I got on the internet and searched for Hilton Head activities for when I go with Annie and Ashton in July. I wasted away about 3 hours just looking at HHI stuff. Then I got on blurty. I'm about to get off so I can switch computers and look for cruises. The bugs in the office are killing me. The window is open with no screen and there are thousands of bugs in here. I hate bugs. Especially mosquitoes. So many have bitten me. So I'm going to go now.

yay a quiz   
01:52am 12/06/2003
mood: mellow
Here is my first quiz...I don't know if this will work or not...I don't get this code business.

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You?
quiz, by Angel.
I'm a loser   
05:53pm 11/06/2003
mood: irritated
music: Tim McGraw- Don't take the girl
Well, the beach was fun, and I wish with all of my heart that I could go back right now. But I can't. I really liked hanging out with Alex, Amanda, and Leanne. I doubt they liked hanging out with me though. They probably think I'm boring since I don't drink or smoke anything. Oh well. I had fun boogie boarding with Alex. I stole some kid's boogie board and used it all week. I just took it from the parking garage though...not from the kid. I don't think they were using it. The have a lot of big goodwills down there. We went to two and I bought some t-shirts. So many people who can afford expensive clothes shop there now. I feel bad because I feel like rich kids are taking all of the good stuff from the kids who really only have enough money to buy their clothes at goodwill. I guess there is enough good stuff to go around though. And everybody has different taste in clothes so it's alright I suppose. They had good clam chowder down in Sarasota...I love clam chowder. I'm really excited that I have a bit of a tan now. I haven't been this tan since like 7th grade.
I put fake nails on and it's really hard to type. They are probably going to fall off any minute. Oh well.
Yesterday I went to Chattanooga with Shea, my brother's girlfriend. It was really fun I thought. We went there to go see this Titanic movie at the IMAX theater but we missed it so we had to go to Ocean Wonderland. It was quite boring, and a waste of a 3 hour drive, but I had a fun time talking to her in the car. I feel like I know her a lot better now. She's pretty cool.
I feel like the biggest loser. I am beginning to hate hanging out with all of the people I used to hang out with. I don't know why. I mean I like them, but I'm getting sick of doing the same old thing every time we get together. We usually go to Wal-Mart and Target and buy worthless crap. Then we attempt to make clothes like MK & A's Then we go over to Chelsea's and get in the hot tub. We usually go to hollywood video and rent a movie. We go back home and they take tylenol pm so they can act dumb...i don't get it, it just makes me want to go to sleep (that is what it's for)...then we usually go back out at like 2 or 3 to go to ingles or steak and shake cause they get hungry late at night. Then sometimes we sleep on the driveway (which is extremely uncomfortable) and i can only stay out there for like 2 hours before I'm fed up. Then I go to sleep inside, and they do psycho stuff outside and blame it on the Tylenol pm. I am so sick of it.
I'm beginning to notice that they never ever want to talk about our lives and guys and stuff. All they ever talk about is popular people who we aren't even friends with. And stupid druggies...because apparently they are big druggies themselves on their tylenol pm so they can relate. They also have the same conversations over and over again...and it's like they are having contests to see who can talk about the most "popular" people. I mean they don't really say they are having contests but when you listen to their convos it sounds like that's what they're doing. They never talk about anything of any substance.
I don't think anyone else in this world likes doing the dorky things I like to do. I like to play board games, go shopping, make clothes, go see movies, go see local bands, hang out, and talk about my own life and my friend's lives...not the lives of stupid druggie idiots who I don't even know. Most of all I like to do different things rather than the same thing all the time. Variety is the spice of life. I'm such a dork. Maybe all of that is too boring for other people, but that's what I like.
I think i need to hang out with more guys. I seriously never hang out with any guys except my brother. It's really kinda sad. The only time I hang out with guys is if I'm dating them, and I haven't dated anyone in almost a year. It's pitiful.
I hate feeling depressed and not doing anything about it. Maybe I should start going to church more. I was so happy when I used to go to church and all of my church's youth activities every Sunday. But if I go to youth I'll be like the only senior there cause no one goes anymore. Blah. As much as I hate school, I actually kinda miss it. Because I got to see everyone everyday and now I don't see anyone because I don't care enough to call anyone. I wanna hang out with Lauren. She's cool. She does fun things. Maybe I'll call her. I have to do something otherwise this will be the most boring summer of my life. That's it...I'm calling her. Bye.

10:53am 31/05/2003
mood: content
music: Some crap my mom's listening to
When I grow up I am only going to have the following foods in my house. My family can get over it.
avacados, artichokes, cinnamon toast crunch, chicken nuggets, rotisserie chicken, grilled chicken (all kinds of chicken except fried), steakums, eggs, garlic mashed potatoes, bananas, rice cakes, strawberries, Hershey's chocolate fudge topping, bread, peanut butter, Ashton's homemade strawberry jelly, hungry jack biscuits, pop tarts, milk, cranberry apple juice, mayonaisse, O'Charley's honey mustard, tagalongs, kraft mac and cheese, goldfish crackers, toaster strudels, salmon, shrimp, coffee ice cream, nesquik, yoohoos, grilled chicken alfredo pizza, fruit snacks (the opaque kind), and brownies
That's definitely all that's allowed. Wow my journal entries are random.
How The World Should Be (continued)   
10:40am 31/05/2003
  -Dorm rooms should allow dogs cause I'm going to miss Diddy soooooo much in college.
-People should realize that there really is no such thing as a "popular" group...when you look at the big picture they really have about the same amount of friends as everybody else. Plus, they usually have way more enemies.
-Kids that have never been to California should not wear shirts that say Orange County and La Jolla on them...or pretty much any other shirt from Hollister. I think this just ticks me off since I'm from California and now every obnoxious girl in my school is wearing one. This bothers me that I care so much though, why should I care?
-Everybody that has enough money should sponsor poor children.
-They should offer more vocational classes in high school so people can get a feel for what they want to they should offer a fashion design class. That would rock.
-People should not get their gold awards from throwing one party at a retirement is that 50 hrs?
-People at Farragut should stop going to the tanning bed...they are all going to have skin cancer.
-Kids that live in other people's houses should not throw parties when the parent(s) are out of town then leave the beer bottles everywhere for the kid that does live in the house...that didn't participate in the clean up.
Okay these are just getting really pointless and dumb so I am going to stop now.

How the World Should Be   
02:08am 31/05/2003
mood: contemplative
music: Jack Johnson...again
The following is how I think the world should be:
-all teenagers should drive vespas like in Rome. It would be much better for the planet than all of the SUV's that dumb Farragut kids drive.
-Parents should teach their kids to not call people fat. That is just evil.
-Nobody should be fake, fake people bother me.
-Marble Slab ice cream should cost less because it is really really good.
-Everything should cost less.
-People under the age of 22 should not be able to work more than 5 hrs. a week so they will still hang out with their friends.
-I should not be allowed to dance on stage porque I suck.
-College should be free. All kids should be able to go to whatever school they are smart enough to get into.
-Parents should not spoil their kids. Nobody likes a spoiled kid that drives a 2003 350 Z.
-Auto Mechanics should be a required course for girls.
-All media should have an equal number of fat, skinny, and average sized people.
-Nobody should talk smack about my dog, Diddy.
-Teachers should not pick favorites.
-John Frieda should be sued becasue I just lightened my hair with his peroxide crap and I followed all of the directions but my head itches like mad and my fingers are white.
-Home Movies on Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network should be aired everynight, and before my bedtime.
-Everybody should hear Jason from HM talk about Cradle Cap. It's hilarious.
-People should stop making freaking reality shows. I've had enough.
-Jack Johnson should invite me to go on tour with him.
-Mary-Kate and Ashley should not be allowed to produce their own shows or movies.
-People should not talk about their "friends" in a bad way in their online journal and put a link to their journal on their AIM profile. Duh!
-Ashton Kutcher should marry me.
Okay well I'm tired of typing so this journal entry is to be continued...

No more dance!   
01:31am 31/05/2003
  I am so sick of going putting all of my energy into these dance rehearsals so I can just go on stage saturday night and look like a fool.
Today I got up at about noon. Then I took an hour long bath/shower. Then I had Petro's (eating this caused me to break my no mammal diet) but it was so good. Then I got ready for dress stuff! Lindsey picked me up around 2:30 and we drove over to April's. We crammed seven people, probably over 20 costumes, and three folding chairs into the Navigator and set off for the Coliseum. Some how we managed to turn what is normally a fifteen minute drive into an hour long drive. The ride really was amusing though. April's driving was kinda crazy, but I couldn't drive that huge tank of a car any better. Among the many interesting events of the car ride was when we stopped at a red light, and Blair got out of the car and ran to the gas station to pee. She said she was so worried that the light would turn green that she didn't even shut the door. I think the best part of the ride was when everyone except me was arguing about which way to go...we were definately lost...but not to the point that we couldn't find our way to where we were going. Actually I took no part in the directions because when I am downtown, I always have no clue where I am. The best part though, was when Lizzy opened the trunk and a chair fell out and knocked her down...good times! It's strange how I found this ride so fun when I probably said no more than two words the whole trip.
That's how I am though and it annoys the crap out of me. When I moved here from California I suddenly became very quiet and reserved. I thought no one here cared about what I had to say and for some reason I still carry that mentality. I tend to analyze conversations before I ever say anything. Like at school, a teacher will ask a question and I'll have an answer, but then I'll go through the whole conversation in my head to see if what I say will make me look like an idiot. And generally, by the time I finish analyzing, the class has moved on to their next topic and then I start the whole thing over again with the next question. It is a viscious cycle that I cannot stand. I wish I would just say whatever I feel like saying whenever I feel like saying it...but I don't, I can't and I won't. I think I developed this problem because my brothers and family told me to shutup so much when I was a child. When I have kids, I am going to make sure they know that I want to hear everything they have to say so they don't end up like me. I never really notice how much I don't talk...but then people always say stuff like "do you speak?" So then I realize that I must not talk much at all. I think that is the most degrading thing anyone can say to just really ticks me also ticks me off when little kids call me fat cause little kids only speak the truth. I worked at day camp last summer and this bratty little twerp...who was much bigger than i was at that age...told me I was fat. This made me really mad because even though I don't consider myself to be skinny and I wouldn't mind losing weight, I don't think I'm like a cow or anything...I'm 5'6" and at the time I weighed like 125...that's not that's actually about average. Damn that little Samantha kid...urghhh she was sooooo obnoxious. But anyways...back to the issue on how I don't talk.
I wish I could just be myself around everybody....especially good looking guys...i just freeze up, I hate it! I wish I could act around everybody the same way I act around my brothers because I am always myself with them. That would make me really happy.
So on with the rest of my day. At rehearsal, I did the modern dance and I did fine until the end. I landed my double facing the complete opposite way than where I was supposed to be facing and I felt like such an idiot. Then, I went into our little child's pose right after that and my pants came like half way down my butt revealing my lovely animal print thong to everyone. That is always joyful. The jazz dance went alright I guess except for the stupid double at the end that I can never land....and I did my leap on the wrong count. Screw dance...I mean I just really suck at it. After I was done, I had to sit in my dressing room for like 3 hours through the jazz company, tap, mom's dance, dad's dance, and ballet because no one was aloud to leave until everything was over. I rode home with Bridget because April had to stay even later to wait on Jazz Company people. Besides getting lost in the parking garage...yeah we're idiots...the ride home was fine. Bridget came into my house to say hi to my mom...her and my mom are like in love with each other...and my mom invited her to go to cracker barrel with us. So we went and we ate. The highlight of that outing was when bridget took the grilled cheese sandwich off of someone else's table (they had already left) and ate it. I found that very amusing. Then we went to Target where we got to buy fattening foods for Sean to eat while my mom and I are at the beach. While we were there Bridget insulted Jack Johnson...major no no...that made me quite upset...but whatever. Then we went into the parking lot and she just kinda pushed are cart through the parking lot and let it go while it was still rolling and it definately hit a jeep. The good thing was that it only hit the bumper and it didn't leave a mark, but this guy in the parking lot was watching and he gave us and evil glare. Bridget said she forgot to take her meds today...hopefully they are for hyperactiveness or something. She was really fun though, and I got my daily dose of amusement.
01:34am 30/05/2003
mood: mellow
music: Jack Johnson...What else?!
Today was a better day...that's probably because I worked and made money instead of sleeping all day. I also went to dance where I really sucked it up but I just really don't care anymore. I mean why does it really matter if I perform horribly in one really cares so whatever. I'm just excited about going to Sarasota. I do wish that I had taken dance my whole life though like a bunch of the girls at my studio so I would be good. I never wanted to dance when I was young though. Maybe I should force my kids to be in dance or gymnastics or something so that they'll be good when they're older...that is a little mean but whatever.
I've made some goals for the summer so I don't sit on my lazy butt all day and sleep or something. I'm going to go to the gym everyday, create three art pieces for my portfolio, visit a fashion design school, hopefully visit some colleges in boston because i think that would be the coolest place to go to school, narrow my college choices down to my top five, and apply for scholarships. I hate all this college crap...I want it to be over with.
So my mother wants me to be a physical therapist, but I want to be a fashion designer. She says PT is way more stable and has a greater income than fashion design, however, I don't have a passion for science, although I do well in that subject. I think it would be so awesome to have my own line and cute little boutiques, but I would be satisfied with designing clothes for PacSun or something. That would rock!
I am starting to get a little apprehensive about pursuing fashion design though because it's so competitive and the best schools are in NYC and CA, and those places are so far away from Tennessee. NYC would be really scary I would think. I wouldn't to be there and have no friends or anything, I would be scared out of my mind. Plus it would cost a lot to live there. Cali would be better since I am from there, I have a lot of relatives there, and I dont consider it to be a scary place...but it's SO far away from my family and friends. Ugh...I don't know what to do with myself. I could go to SCAD or RISD, but those are really hard to get into.
At least it feels good to get all my thoughts down...I wonder if anybody is reading this though, it's probably very boring...I mean who really cares about my future other than me? If you are reading this feel free to respond...I don't have any friends on this site, but I'd rather random people read my journal than my friends. I don't know doesn't really make sense in my head, but not much does. I gotta cut out all of the dot dot dots. I use those a lot. I really like them though. Well, thats all for now.

~Leanna Banana
What's Wrong With Me?   
12:10am 29/05/2003
  Today I worked out with one of my best friends. I felt really fat and ugly the whole time because she is skinny and gorgeous, but not too skinny...she has no fat on her body but she has enough muscle to make her look healthy...unlike she has for the past year or so when she was battling anoerexia. I should be happy for her and I am but I am just soooo jealous of her perfectly tan, skinny, glowing body. I have some pretty bad issues dealing with my own body, and I was also, for a short period of time, anoerexic. Luckily I didn't give into the temptations of the disease before it was too late...but I think about my weight so much that I believe I will most likely fall back into the anoerexic lifestyle....but anyways enough about my weight problems.
I'm also having some depressive problems. I feel so crappy right now that I don't even want to leave my house. I wake up every day at about noon then I lay around the house watching TV. I think about calling people all day but I normally come to the conclusion that I really don't want to hang out with any of my friends and I'd rather sit at home wtih my dog. How loser is that? I have never been the type of person to want to sit at home...this is really bothering me and I want to know what's wrong with me. Maybe it has something to do with all of the rainy weather we've been having here. I'm going to the beach next week so hopefully that will help.
I have also been thinking a lot about my dad lately, and normally I end up crying just at the thought of how he has almost been replaced by my mom's new boyfriend. My dad died about a year and a half ago...and it really hurts to see my mom so serious with this new guy when her and my dad were so much in love. It also doesn't help that she never talks to me about anything having to do with my dad. I was watching this home movie the other day...I was probably 2 or 3 in the video and I was wearing this shirt that said "I Love My Daddy" and my dad was standing there and he said "Stephy, what does your shirt say?" and I said, " Daddy, daddy I love you." It was pretty much the saddest thing I've ever seen...tears started streaming out of my eyes and I just couldn't take it. I really want my dad to still be like a big part of my life...I want to be able to think about him and remember him all the time without crying. I've noticed that my thoughts about him have been limited to when I'm alone because I don't want anybody else to see me cry. Maybe that is why I have been alone so much lately...I really need to get out and have fun I can't take this depressive attitude anymore. I am not normally like this, and this depressive attitude that's taking over is tearing me to pieces. I really don't know what to do with myself.
Well that's about all I have to say for now...maybe my next entry will be a little brighter.
     Read 1 - Post