Michael's Journal

Thursday, November 20, 2003

8:40AM - Oh my my my my

By popular request...I never write here anymore, but now I am. Shout out to Mallory. I'll never forget you and still think about you from time to time. Kinda reminds me of the song "Sara" by FM. I said Sara! You're the poet in my heart. Never change! Never stop...

Well, let me write about myself for a little bit. So much craziness is going on. Last night I was so nervous because I got a call form someone from Cedar...class of 2002 who's making it big in music right now...and he wants me to play on an upcoming album AND perform live! I don't know if I can do it! I mean, I do play bass, just not that well. He does trust me though. I don't know what to do. I need to seriously think it over. I have lots to gain from it. And yes Mallory...you do know this person. ^_^

Me? My world has been turned upside down by various people I've met. Still at Beechwood. The title "Whore of the Internet" might be applied to me with a stretch. I've sent some things to people and met people...some of whom are good, but many I'm not proud of. My life's gotten fucked up after 21...but I did get into Terry, so that's good. Going to have a meeting next month under the pretense of Christmas shopping...so weird.

Must run now.

-M

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Tuesday, September 23, 2003

5:01PM - Slurp

Yay. I have cracked 21. Still at Beechwood and won't be going anywhere for a while. My life is spinning into a vortex of chaos. I should build a poem around that one line and put it on some crappy poetry site somewhere. Anyway, that's the short and sweet for the 23rd. See you around.

-M

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Thursday, August 28, 2003

8:33AM - Cheng's

Well, I've worked two shifts at Cheng's downtown so far. That job isn't going to last long because I suck at it and it's driving me insane. I hate it. If the next shift doesn't work out, I'll leave. It's too much.

In other news, Beechwood is quite pleasant once again. I like everyone there right now. Dajana and Damir are really amusing. I miss Casey a lot too. She was my favorite employee before she left. I love women like Casey and Dajana and Mallory. Full of energy and warmth, kinda laid back, always up for jokes and playing around instead of being irritating. Not stuck up or prissy or bitchy or moody or clingy. Not one of those highschoolish, petty bitches always rolling their eyes, shaking their head, with their bitchyness and comments of disapproval. Not cold. Beechwood is fun again. Life is great.

Why I'm writing here I don't know. I don't think anyone reads this anymore, and there's really no reason to because I don't really write anything interesting here often. I haven't written here in a month. I'm supposed to be in class right now, but I woke up too late. I was exhausted after work. I can't take that damn job much longer. For $6/hr, it's too much work. This job's haunting me and making me miserable. It won't be for long though.

Well, work tonight and all day tomorrow.

Current mood: frustrated
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Monday, July 28, 2003

1:14AM - I don't think I can do this anymore

Everyday, I write long, comprehensive, thought-out entries. They can take several hours per entry. Pumping them out, night after night, for the world to see. Thoughts, theories, observations, opinions, and feelings go into my pages. They are not posted here, jowever.

I've had it. I can't do it. Not anymore. I don't want a diary that the whole world can read. At least not one that people who aren't close to semi-close to me can read. I still write long entries...there is more Michael out there. But it's not here. We are a small, private community. We don't want to get involved in anymore Internet drama or bullshit with anyone who reads what we write and then gets pissy about it. It's been happening for two years now on the Internet for me. I don't want it or need it anymore. People don't need to know everything I'm thinking. I'm not sure they want to anyway.

This is it for here. If I update here again, it won't be for a very long time. Time to share my secrets and brain weather with people who care. I'm done with being public. That is all.

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Wednesday, July 2, 2003

1:36AM - The note and the e-mail

Wow. To think that such a short silly little entry like the previous one could spark such responses. It's really interesting. To the person who commented on my Blurty, I'll say that my anger is something that you can't always take literally. It's often exaggerated and ephemeral. And I will say that it's not your problem unless you choose to make it so, just like the rest of my problems. I don't mean any of this in a mean way. It's the truth.

The second response was a lot more interesting. This may or may not be read again by the person who wrote me the e-mail...I don't know. I read the e-mail and didn't find any of it to be mean or unreasonable. I like responses where people explain and defend their perspective rather than yell at me with insults and didactic criticism. This isn't like other journals that people write that they fill with poems and butterflies and quizzes and surveys. This is for bitching. I only write in here because my friend got me started on this. I'd like to share with just a few people my life and experiences. And if you think this is racy and too much...there's a whole 'nother diary out there. Trust me, you don't want to open that can of worms, whether you know me or not, whether you like me or not.

I don't really know how to describe this journal. I don't write in it very much. I'm only writing in it tonight because my other place that I write is being a butch and won't let me update. That e-mail was interesting though. I wish I could give it a better response and more thought as much thought was put into the e-mail itself. But I am much too tired right now. Perhaps another time.

-M

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Tuesday, July 1, 2003

1:04AM - What's the world coming to?

I hate people. The world needs to die. I need the power to wiggle my finger and have people drop dead on command.

That is all.

-M

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Monday, June 16, 2003

11:09AM - High-schoolishness

Two years after graduating...and yet it still seems to follow me around, unprovoked. People put off growing up in exchange for talking about someone just to act like stupid giggly teenagers. Can't leave shit alone, shit that has nothing to do with them and is none of their business but other peoples' relationships, (neither of whom they don't really like very much) always have to provoke someone, can't live without that drama, and then when people get upset about it they pretend like they have no clue what they did wrong. Keep pushing it and pushing it and then goes too far. What a sad and shallow way to live, eh?

Very annoying. Childish. Two-faced. Childish. Mean-spirited. Childish. Not funny at all.

-M

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Thursday, June 5, 2003

10:53PM - Those that don't learn from the past...

Wow...a let down, more of the same ol', same ol', almost getting ARRESTED before midnight while cops shined flashlights at us...the reunion was not worth it. Wrong place, wrong time...WRONG PERSON.

I'm talking about last month. It was not worth it. Really wasn't. I deleted my FOD because I have enough diaries on the Net. It was useless. Only one other person reads this sometimes, and she's really the only audience I want for what I write here. But this doesn't get read anymore, mostly my fault because I never update. So, here's the update.

You have two modes of thinking if you're a guy: do it with your brain, or do it with your dick. When you're smart, you think with your brain. You're brain learns from it's mistakes in love. But the dick has a harder time learning and only wants one thing. Which is why mistakes repeat themselves.

And that's the lesson for tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

-M

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Monday, May 19, 2003

1:42AM - Blast from the Recent Past

Well...by popular demand I'm updating. :) It's good to have people that actually care about your life and seem interested instead of those who could care less, are always like, "Yeah, uh huh, that's nice" yet are so self-important that they feel everyone else has to take notice of their lives and stuff. I've put up with that from too many different people for too long.

I have good news on several fronts. The grades came in and turned out fine. I might also be getting a job that a friend is referring me to involving plants making $11/hr. I definitely have to follow that up.

The biggest news is the return of an old flame. A good old flame that's all mine and is totally disconnected from the rest of my life and my friends. Someone nobody knows about and which I will keep that way. I'm very cold now, and Thursday I'll get a little warmth...not quite sizzling warm, just a little toasty. It's been four long lonely months for the both of us. We had problems which will never be worked out...no chance of going steady again, but making out without the attachments is always a plus. I need to reconnect with a lot of people. I was thinking about my first major ex-girlfriend, Christina with whom I should have a very long talk sometime. Or not. And other friends.

I know Thursday will be terrific! I cannot wait!

-M

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Thursday, April 17, 2003

9:50AM - You know who I wish were here?

Jennifer C. She's one of the few friends I've got from high school that's really gone out and made something of herself in the world. She's so great. I need more nice people and less evil people. And trust me, the evil people are still here. In droves.

I called her the other night and talked at length about a lot of things. I can tell her anything. I need to visit her in Ithaca. Much more I do than CR and AL. (Nothing against AL, she's sweet.) J doesn't want to see them, and she's made it clear...but they're still going up finals week. I should go, just not with them.

Comments welcome. Comments wanted. Leave a note for God's sake. I'm off to school now.

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Saturday, April 12, 2003

10:07AM - Communication Breakdown

I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I'm looking forward to it.

Blah times abound. I see too much of the people I don't want to see at all and never get to see the people I want to. I need to cook with them. We need to play cards. Play music. Go out to the movies. Forget the bullshit brought upon me.

Oh God. I've made mistakes. I should have left certain things alone. I start to read through and even edit chapters of books of other people's lives that I should have never cracked open. Curiosity is my downfall. I want to talk to people. I want to open up and have them open up to me. But there's a great risk. I want to attract desirable people, but I can't seem to do so. Most everyone in my life (not just a few people) is crazy/unstable/bitchy/dishonest/too busy/disinterested. (Not everyone is everyone of these, but most of them.) The world's a terrible place. Every eight months of so, a Messsiah comes along, someone whom I put my faith and love in. I think they're the greatest person in the world, that they'll change my life and save me...until tyhey turn out to be bullshit like everyone else.

This entry's been weeks in the making. I wish I had more money on me right now. Shopping tends to help. So does food.

-M

Current mood: grumpy
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Monday, March 24, 2003

7:14PM - I was scared...

Oh my God...I was afraid that someone actually responded to my e-personal ad. It just told me that I had matches. It was not anything serious. No responses. (THANK YOU!!)

Damn the Internet. I should probably take it down.

All for now.

-M

Current mood: relieved
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Friday, March 21, 2003

12:51AM - Can't kill myself for the sake of my...

sister.

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Wednesday, March 12, 2003

10:45PM - Thank you...I'll be there!

Hi Everyone,
McFly will be playing at Last Call in Athens, GA on Thursday, March 13 starting around 10:00 PM and at El Azteca on Friday, March 14th starting around 9:00 PM.

Here are the addresses for the clubs in case you would like to look up directions:

Last Call
420 East Clayton St.
Athens, GA 30601
(706) 613-5003

El Azteca
169 Tom Hill Sr Blvd
Macon, GA 31210
(478) 475-9199

For mapquest directions from you house, go to:
http://www.mapquest.com/directions/main.adp

-Ricky Zero


---> Check out McFly online: http://www.mcflyband.com
---> Lots of Pictures - Lots of Fun!!!

To be removed from the McFly mailing list, simply reply to this
email with "Remove" in the subject. Please leave this email when replying so that I will know which list you are on. Thanks.



Awesome. No sneak preview this Thursday night. (:

-M

Current mood: cheerful
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Tuesday, March 11, 2003

12:31PM - Cadillac Boy



This is my trademark picture. I took this using a timer on a camera that was sitting on a ladder. It too about fifteen minutes.

I need someone to take pictures of me with my camera, and me paying for the film and development, of course. Preferably sexy pictures with nice scenery. I can't take good pictures of me by myself. At least not like this, since this picture is somewhat of an anomaly. Help me out please? (Cash fee negotiable.)

-M

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Saturday, March 1, 2003

6:29PM - Lust Confession

Damn...I guess I'll have to admit to the world of this. I can't hold it in any longer.

Today, a great flood of lust rushed through the chambers of my heart. I was completely overtaken. After working out, I saw a man, white with short brown hair, baby blue eyes, a cute smile, with a thin but not puny physique, wearing a grey Bulldogs shirt and black track pants, shiny from the sweat from his workout. He took of his shirt and revealed his pumped muscles, glistening with perspiration, on his arms and chest with no fat over his abs. I looked at him and smiled. He smiled back. He smelled like a well seasoned piece of meat. My body was getting warmer, my heart spinning, my mouth watering. We just stared at each other for the longest time in awe, smiling.

Who is this guy I love?

Me. In the mirror.

Hahahahaha!! Oh my God! I bet you thought this was a Coming Out entry or some shit like that, didn't you? No, not really. I guess the above was a little exaggerated. It's something weird I've done for the past few times after I've worked out. I feel like the King of the World after exercising, and when I take my shirt off and look at myself in a body length mirror, I'm way too pleased. The weirdest thing about this is that I'm constantly finding flaws with my body image (i.e. my face and physique). And for a few minutes, to stare at yourself and be happy with something you did, realizing that you're going to be looking better...you're just too damn pleased with yourself. You love that body you're sculpting. The fat's off, the muscles are growing, and knowing that having a better body means you have a more commanding and attractive presence is too exciting. You can't help but love yourself too much. "I was lookin' so fine I couldn't reject myself..."

I hope you enjoyed this entry people. Am I just too demented? Am I the only one like this? Feedback is welcome. Oh yeah...I went shopping today and bought a long-sleeve polo shirt and track pants for fifty-something odd dollars. I originally planned to spend it somewhere else, until I realized that their selection sucks. That's all.

-M

Current mood: hot
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Thursday, February 27, 2003

9:27AM - Long time, no update

Wow. My return to FOD as -??Ghost??- isn't turning out quite as nice as I expected. In fact, it's not the same at all. Why do I write there anyway? It kind of loses its luster after high school.

So anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately about my interpersonal skills. Mainly, they SUCK. I don't know. I'm just too used to being an extremely solitary person. It can't be that no one interests me or that no one out there will talk to me, because they do. Two strangers (both female) whom I've never met talked to me yesterday a little bit. Of course, it was aboput the test and how did I think it was going to go, but nonetheless it was verbal communication.

I need to get a guitar. I'll illustrate for you just how full of shit I can be sometimes. I have this vision that I'm a singer playing the piano, on the stage, in front of a huge audience. I'm up there playing and singing these deep, moving, beautiful songs...and the people in the audience are loving it, captivated, and I'm just this musical God that everyone loves, and that it's all magical and wonderful. That's crap, of course. It's rarely like that with any performance. Still, I'd like to think that there could be a way for that to happen. Piano and singing lessons, a new attitude, more focus. More.

I should be in class right now, but I'm not. It's cold and wet outside, and I'd just rather stay home this morning. It's only marketing that I will miss. That class is so boring anyway, but since the test is on Tuesday, I should probably be there.

Another note. I like random compliments about my body. The last compliment that made me extremely happy was when a female at work came up behind me and hugged me after I worked out. (I was at work to see a movie.) She told me that I smelled nice. That's awesome when people compliment you on your more organic and natural attributes, especially smell. I have this really pleasant, soft spicy odor after I work out due to this cool deodorant I use that's not sold in grocery stores. Other compliments I've gotten have been mainly over my picture on the Internet, which a few females and one guy found to be attractive. I think it was a joke, but my sister told me some female coworkers described me as "cute" when she was last up there. The most direct compliment I've received to date was at Tate last year, sometime in September, when I was playing pool alone and these two guys were playing ping pong not far from me. One of them was very fat, and the other one pretty scrawny. Anyway, they hit their ball over by mistake, so I pick it up for them and hand it to them. They thank me, and then they do it again. So I hand it back again. They leave, but the fat guy comes up to me and is like "Excuse me." "Yes?" I reply. "Don't take offense at this or anything, but my friend thinks you're really cute." Hmm...well, I wasn't interested, so I tell him to let his friend know that's a kind thing to say and thanks. Wow. Why in the world can I not attract people who hold my interest? The world is boring. I'm boring too. I've perfected entertaining myself so that no one else can do as good a job. I tell myself that I should just go out and take a risk and get what I want, but I don't know exactly if I want anything right now except money. And that is shallow for you.

Oh yes! I have been on a regular workout schedule lately and have been sticking with it. I'm very proud of myself for that. I need to go shopping and get some more new clothes. I think I'm done being the dork I was in the past, though some of it remains. High school's over. It's time to be someone in this world and be noticed. I've always had a sort of Island philosophy in which the best people will just drift to my island without me going after them. I'll sit still and let the world come to me. Of course, you need look no further than my last two relationships to completely debunk that.

Those are some thoughts. No solutions. I guess I'll use the rest of this space to remind myself that I need to spend $50 at PacSun to get $25 cash for next month, before March 8. I also need to go to G and BR to get some shirts and jeans. I sure don't live like I make $5.40 an hour, do I? Hehehe...I want two jobs. Ok, enough rambling. I have accounting to do...bye...

-??Ghost??-

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Tuesday, February 18, 2003

12:36AM - Forever Alone

I wake up alone. I eat alone. I drive to school and everywhere else alone. I see movies alone. I shop for clothes and presents alone.

I ran into Giles who recognized me as he was walking with his posse. They shouted at me as I was walking into the theater. He commented on how different I am in real life than I am in my diary. Well, it's really not an Internet thing. It's a people thing. I'm in my Internet mood when I'm alone, but when I'm with people, I want to be nice to them and present a happy image. So, that explains it.

Yeah. I don't do much with friends anymore. All I really want to do is make money, shop for things I like, and go to the movies. One other secret about me is that I like attention. I do as little as possible to attract it and act like I don't want to be noticed, but it's a lie. I pretend that I don't care about the world and people, but I secretly crave attention. I love it. And when I do get noticed or flattery (i.e. "My friend thinks you're cute," "MB is sexy" etc.), it drives me wild! Makes me happy, warm inside, hot-and-bothered...yes. I need to work out more. I want to be a sex God someday. Anyone who knows me reading this will laugh their ass off whether they like me or not. This is not the time in my life to prove the people who say I can't succeed wrong. I don't care about them anymore. I don't need to make my goals known to the world. (At large, that is; I consider Blurty fairly private, seeing as how Sandy and Mallory are the only two people who know about this.)

Anyway, this is not a bad entry. I needed to get this off my chest. I get paid this week. Money makes everything better. Love to Mallory! Miss you. Keep smiling girl.

Out.

-M

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Monday, February 17, 2003

12:49PM - Hmm

Not sure what to write about. My speech went fine. Everything with Heather is cool. I'm going to see tons of movies soon. When something newsworthy happens, I'll write it down. If I can remember it, that is.

Later all!

-M

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Wednesday, February 12, 2003

10:51PM - Some rules of Schlotsky's

*When someone dies, tell Jan the day before they die that you need the day off.

*NEVER speak during your ten minute break or sit at the same table with someone.

*Guys are not allowed to work at Schlotsky's. Jen is not running a "dating service." (What about lesbians then?)

*If you quit without a two weeks notice, your last pay is dropped to $5.15 per hour.

*At the end of two weeks, they'll fire you and drop it before the last day.

*Should mold be on a block of cheese, don't worry about it. Just pick it off...it's penicillin.



I hope all of those aren't true. I'm sure every restaurant is just as bad or worse. At Beechwood, one of our employees actually stuck his head in popcorn.

-Why I like to fix my own food.-

I hate speeches.

--M

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