Misery, L'Anquissette's journal

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Monday, September 1st, 2008
12:32 pm - Message for Tiger Lily
Will explain later, but no longer using this journal.

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Sunday, August 31st, 2008
8:07 pm - Laughter, Life, and Love
I just got off the phone with that cop friend/neighbor of mine. Having dinner with her and her wife to discuss helping them out with their upcoming wedding. They have twins that are only a few months older than William, and an older son. We are going to head over there for dinner next Wednesday, when she is off.

I am so happy for them, they have been together for seven or eight years, and they are so excited to be able to finally get married legally. They have someone they want me to meet, too, I guess. A possible date for the wedding is all they told me, that and she is a cop with the Susanville Police Dept., too. My friends are both Highway Patrol...they transferred here from L.A., so we have a hometown in common, besides the whole lesbian thing, and the love of motorcycles, guns, and kids that get along great.

They seem to be at the hub of Susanville's gay community, too, so I guess their wedding is as good a place as any to make some new friends that are less judgemental than most of the people in this town. Not everyone here is, though...I have met some. I had thought that someone in particular was not judgemental, but..well, we all know how THAT turned out.

Well, better get going. Someone more important than my journal just logged on. No offense, journal, but I'd rather talk to her than to myself. Oh wait...I am a nut job...I forgot! So I guess that means that I can talk to myself all I want! WHOO HOO!! Thanks, Jackass!! I now have permission to be psycho!! Oh, but you know what that means....now I will have to live up to it. Look out, Susanville!!


Just kidding.

Gonna go talk to my partner in crime.


current mood: giddy

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6:04 pm - Privacy
Seems I can't even have privacy in my own journal anymore. Lisa Marie, I feel for you even more, now that I have someone reading my journal and leaving nasty comments. I can see how hard it is for you with your ex reading your stuff.

Well, I will not mark it as private or as friends only because I see his true colors and see how truly paranoid he is. I wasn't referring to him with the whole paranoid mail joke, but apparently he took it as such. I mean really, how would something he sent me get here the same day all this went down? HELLO! I know how long the snail mail takes!!

Anyway, I am not going to waste any more of my time or guilt on this guy. He is deeply disturbed, and deeply hurt, and it has made him very angry and cruel. I think that the cruel part was always there, just deeply hidden. BUT, there I go, worrying about it again. I just hope that he finds his way and someday, somehow, is healed of his problems. I hope that someday he meets a woman that can help him and deal with his darker side, if that is what it is.

What a shame, cause I thought that he was such a nice person. Somewhere, I know that he is. I guess that pain and anger change all that, though.

I am sure he is probably reading this, but I pray that soon he stops. It really bothers me that someone who claimed to care so much about me could say all those things. If you guys don't know what I am talking about, read the comments on the previous journal entry. You will see what I put up with each time he got mad. Course, calling me a whore is nothing new. I suppose it doesn't matter to him that I have not slept with ANYONE since I moved here, and well, frankly, years before that, too. So, call me a whore if you will. I have been called worse, and, well....lol..most of it was by you!!

Okay. I said I wasn't going to go on about it, and here I am, going on about it. But it just really hurts and makes me mad and I bet that is what he wants, sooo...I am not going to care. I guess I AM cold hearted that way, because I can shut off my feelings for him like that. Or, maybe, I never really did care for him at all. Maybe it was all a lie. Maybe I tried so hard because I felt so sorry for him, that I was able to lie to myself and pretend to care.

Met someone today in town when I went to lunch with William and Dad that may have a new job opportunity for me. We shall see how that pans out. I won't mention the details since apparently I am a paranoid nut job that thinks this jackass will come after me. LOL. No, but seriously, it is for a Doc office in town. Front Office and no nasty bed pans to clean! YAY!

I am still undecided if I should post this as public or as friends only. Course, if I do that, some people who read my journal will not be able to read it. So, I guess that settles it. Public it is!

Need to go cook dinner for the folks and William. Will write more later if I am not on the phone with a certain someone I think I need to call tonight. If I don't call you, sorry...I am chicken shit and you know it. Oh, I had a dream about you last night. It had something to do with a Joan Jett concert, an indian blanket, and a picnic.

Sincerely yours and with much love, even for you, jackass. Though I wonder why, sometimes.


current mood: amused
current music: My own laughter

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11:00 am - :: Is screaming, singing, dancing, and jumping up and down::
Well, open mic went great, folks, and I have even more exciting news (well, for me, anyway).

I got home late, tired, had a fight with Alex over this...well...you know who...AGAIN. Only this time it ended well because I told her she had been right and that I had ended the friendship and that I was scared. I admitted to her that I was afraid of him.

Anyway...we'll get to that in a minute.

So, here I am, coming down off my public speaking high, kinda depressed that it is obviously not going to work out with Alex, even though we will remain friends, and I find this innoculous, 6x10 white envelope in my stack of mail. No return address, just my name and postage. Obviously, being the paranoid that I am, I held it to the light, used latex gloves to open it over the sink, ect....and guess what slips out onto the towl. An autographed picture from Jonny Depp!!

I screamed, jumped up and down like a girl. It was SO embarassing, I am so glad no one saw me do it. Anyway, so I have matted and framed the newest addition to my "Grab it if there is a fire" list of possessions. It currently has a place of honor on the edge of my altar. Why did I stick it there? To give thanks to those that keep reminding me that there are good things and there are still things in this life that really make me happy. It was a reminder that I am doing the right thing, and that William is not the only good thing in my life. I can find joy in drooling over this photo and I will have (pardon the crudeness) masturbation material for a week!

Alas, the joy of open mic night was shadowed by this unexpected gift via the U.S. Postal Service, but I still have the glow. I was a hit with my Ode to a Cocktail Napkin, despite my nerves. I recited two others, incuding my Cocktail Accessories...and the recent one written about yesterdays debacle.

Turns out this Open Mic Night was not at a coffee house, as I was previously told, but at a friend of Alex's bar. Seems there is a group of artsy fartsy and political types that rotate through the surrounding towns, doing what they do best, drinking, smoking, and spouting poetry, rants, and raves. I fit right in!!

I had a blast, and felt very validated at the laughs and applause I recieved. Alex was so proud, but that was soon overshadowed by the explanation of the angst and bitterness poem. She sighed and jumped right into an "I told you so" rant. In my defense, I did quite well; usually I jump right back in, defending myself. I sat through it, well, most of it....and when she was done I admitted to her that she was right and I had been wrong.

This shut her up, and she laughed, easing the tension. She did not expect me to admit being wrong. SO, we talked it out, I told her some of what happened, (Not all, because I didn't feel that it would be right to share all of the problems or what was said to me. It was between he and I.) and she then said that she was sorry I was hurt and she was sorry that it had come to this. She said that despite having been concerned about him coming after her if we were dating (One of the contributing reasons for us not working out) she had hoped she was wrong and was sorry that I had lost what I had thought to be such a good friend. We had a drink, then she drove me home.

All in all, it went pretty well. She and I are still feeling around this new idea of "friends", and frankly, I do not know if it will work out or not.

William is begging me to go outside and play now, so I will be back to purge the rest later.

Have a great day, all!!

Oh, here is the pic Johnny sent me, by the way. It is signed at the bottom in silver, but after scanning it on my cheap ass scanner, it doesn't show too well. The pic came out darker, too. I should take a pic of it on my altar and post that, too.

Thanks for the support, guys, and all the good wishes and luck yesterday. It really helped. Thanks, too, Amber, for helping me see the truth in things and for understand me so well. I DO love you, girl. I appreciate your comments, too...now I know I am not the only one that felt the behaviour going on there was inappropriate and, well, scary. I will admit to being even more scared, now...and I don't like it. I am not used to being scared, and I don't like it. So, I think that I will just stop. Course this doesn't mean that I won't be carrying protection with me everywhere I go. Eh, that is not a nice thought. I think I will go play with my son, now.



current mood: excited
current music: William singing as he puts on his shoes.

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Saturday, August 30th, 2008
5:49 pm - Getting Ready...
Well, wish me luck, guys. I am putting the finishing touches on my make-up and waiting for my toe nails to dry before slippin' on the old shoe-eroonies.

William is staying with Auntie tonight since my Dad is not back yet and, well, who would leave their kid with my Mother??

I am SO nervous. I may not be able to get up there and do this, but, I know Alex will push. We'll see how good the others are, before I make any final decisions. I don't think that I will hold a candle to what anyone else will have.

I am bringing a new one with me, as well. One that I wrote today, in case all of the poetry is angst and sadness. I have one full of both.

Well, better get going. Just popped on to beg those left who are still willing to read my stuff for luck.

I will let you know how it went!!

Leave the light on for me.


current mood: Nervous, and I thnk I may puke
current music: Misfits-Die, Die, My Darling

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4:15 pm - Phone Calls...
I called her back today, the woman that invited me to the open mic night. I accepted.

You see, she and I never really worked out because of, well...lots of things, but we are going to go as just friends.

Nervous, very nervous. I am heading into town to borrow something to wear from another friend.

Wish me luck, folks!!


current mood: nervous
current music: The Strokes

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3:00 pm - In all the personal shit I forgot to mention...
I added a chapter to Lilith's story. Lilith's Story


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2:41 pm - Blurty Broken
I was trying to respond to a comment on here, and Blurty went capoot. Oh well. I sent an email instead.

I see it deleted both my comment and the comment I was responding to. Great. Now they will think I deleted it.

Oh well, they hate me already, anyway. Yes, that's right...I am the one that has done all the wrong, and I am the one that chose my faith over my friend. I am the one that should have forsaken finding someone to love and care about because everytime I went out on a date or actively looked for a partner, it hurt this friend. Apparently I should have lived a life where I had no one to love in return, and no romantic partner, and no woman to call my own, because it hurt this friend too much. How selfish of me.

I am SO done trying to make everyone happy. I tried to be there, tried to help, but only ended up nagging and making my friend miserable, apparently, because they were unwilling to try to do anything to change. I guess it is my fault for thinking that they wanted to change, or wanted to become something more. I was stupid to think that we could remain friends, all we did was fight and insult each other and all I ever seemed to be doing was nagging. I have offically become a nagging bitch! Great.

Ugh, I am so fed up with all this. I feel guilty for wanting to have a girlfriend because it made this friend hurt and unhappy, can you believe that??!!

Do I feel like shit about all this? Yes. Do I think it is for the best? After the comment I got, YES. Had I known that I would come between this person and their faith and their God, I would never have stuck around. I think it is a horrible thing that it had happened. I know that my faith and my beliefs are all that keep me going sometimes, and to know that I had come between someone and theirs, well....it makes me feel even more like shit.

What I don't get though is if their God doesn't want them having anything to do with "witches", why did they? Even BEFORE there were any real feelings involved, or even a friendship. They should have just walked away when they met me, when I told them.

But in my defense, I do recall them telling me that they had had friends BEFORE me that were of other faiths such as mine, including friends they still talked to at the time. They, in fact, are friends with someone now that is involved in the occult. If it is so wrong and so against their religion, then they should walk out of that friendship, too. If I was such an abomination, then why the hell did they ever have anything to do with me??

UGH! Okay. I am done. I am done talking about it, I am done hearing about it, and I am done trying to apologize for the crap I did. I have said it all a thousand times today, and I am moving on now.

I feel awful that I have lost a dear friend, but then on the flip side, I wonder how much of a friend we were to each other when we constantly tried to hurt each other with nasty remarks?

I am not like that, normally. The worst was brought out in me.

::Sigh:: Oh well. More bad Karma for me to work off, I guess. I am a horrible person, friend, and ruined their faith in love or whatever. Fine. I warned you in the beginning I was a bad person. You should have listened to me.

The Miserable Bitch

current mood: guilty

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1:36 pm - ::Sigh::
Well, remember when I said I didn't feel guilty? Well...guess what. I do, now.

I feel bad for walking away from this friendship. I feel bad because I know how hurt this person is going to be. I am hurt, too. I wanted to make sure that was known...this was no easy decision and I am hurt deeply that it has come to this. I trusted this person with things, things that no one else living knows. But I can't put myself out there to be hurt anymore. I don't know that I could trust my skeletons to this person anymore. I mean, next fight we had, would they be thrown back in my face? What other names would I be called behind my back?

I don't know what to do...I feel like I am betraying this person, but it has to be about me, too, right? I can't keep going back to this relationship, getting hurt and yelled at at each turn of the road. I mean, how many times can one hear I am sorry and begin to not believe that they were, cause they still do it?

My counselor (Yes, I had to call him with this on an emergency call) says that it was not a healthy friendship and that we both need to learn how to be better friends before we even thought about trying again. When I told him how bad I felt about walking out like this, he said that maybe this person would finally see how damaging his/her behavior is to others, and will decide to do something about it.

I don't know...all I do know is that I am a Taurus...I may forgive you, but I NEVER forget. I can only take so much.

But what makes it worse, is that I know that there were many times I knowingly hurt this person with words, too. I hate that. I became what I despised...and I don't like the woman I became. I don't like having to ignore the declarations of love all the time, despite having asked this person to stop. That was another HUGE fight, too. I am uncomfortable with it and think it innappropriate for said friend to continually tell me how much they love me and wish that we were together. How do you think that makes me feel?? I am uncomfortable with touchy-feely stuff on the whole...and I am uncomfortable with the whole situation. It is awkward as hell....

I don't know. Maybe I did the wrong thing. Nothing I can do about it now, I guess.


current mood: confused

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10:02 am - Serenity
I feel oddly peaceful, this morning. The pain in my hands has faded to nonexistance, and my thoughts, usually a jumble of anxieties, are quiet and orderly. The leaves blow in the yard, and I have been watching them dance over my morning coffee, entranced by the scritching sound and their swift, erratic ballet. William slept late today, having played hard at school and at home as well, and getting to stay up a bit later to watch the rest of his movie.

Coffee turned out exceptional this morning, or maybe it is just the peace and good night's sleep. I craved, oddly, a cigarette, though. A clove. Haven't smoked them regularly for years, and it has been at least a good year since I have had a puff or two from a friend's. It passed, though.

I listened to Wendy Rule this morning as I perused the magazine from yesterday's mail. Once I tore myself away from the leaves, that is.

Choked down my plethera of medicines this morning, and gagged on not a one. This, too, is a blessing. It is strange how serene things are, how quiet an empty house with a sleeping child can be, how soothing. It is not often I feel this way. Is this how "normal" people feel everyday? Wow...am I missing out.

William and I have the morning off, so we will be holding "Mommy School" shortly; I am working with him on his letters and phonics today in the attempt to eventually get him reading by kindergarten. He is finishing his breakfast.

I am also perusing the web for a good salmon recipe, as I splurged yesterday and bought some for William and I. Not quite in our usual "end of the month" budget, but he so loves fish.

I will work more on my short story tonight after he goes to bed, I think. The first chapter did not quiet turn out how I expected it to...nor did it end where I thought it would. I had not planned on Lilith being struck upside the head and, inevitably, captured. The way the story always went in my mind was that she awoke in a cold sweat, panicked, remembering the night of her rape. You see I wrote many versions of this same story in college, each a bit different, but Lilith (Or Rae, or Valentine, or Minx...she has had many names) always awoke, safe in her own bed. This is the first time she was ever actually captured. Hmm...what do you think, Mr. Freud??

Oh well. We shall see where Lilith ends up. I, strangely, see her story mingling with one of my past rp characters from AOL. And, strangely, Dalia...Niniane's original character that I played in her stead for a long while. But I had not planned on drawing those vampires and necromancers into this...this was to be a human story...hmm. I find myself fighting the urge to include the supernatural element in this story. I have been rping as a vamp for WAY too long, it seems.

I do believe that Anthony, the person the Monster is loosely based on (well, partially based on) was a sort of psychic vamp. He sucked the life, joy, and love out of everyone he came into contact with, as well as all the self esteem I had at the time. So maybe that is it...oh, hell. I am confusing myself with this story. I need to take my own experiences out of it from now on. You see...I seem to have forgotten how to write!!

The peaceful feeling is gone. Damn. Oh well, at least I had a few hours of it today.

I have had to make a difficult decision this morning, as well. I have decided to end the friendship with the afore mentioned friend that hurt me again. Had it been just this incident...I think perhaps things would have been able to have been worked out. I am not one to just toss aside friendships. They are precious to me, and few. But this friendship was very detrimental to my health, mental health, as well as his/hers. I feel bad about it, but it is the right thing to do, for myself at least. I have been deeply hurt by this person time and again, and am not a fucking door mat. Each time this person does not have things the way they feel they should be, I get stepped on. I know this person does not know this, but I have NEVER allowed anyone to treat me that way more than once. This person has done it repeatedly.

I know I have hurt this person many times in return, and am not happy about it. Like I said, when I get hit, I hit back and below the belt. It is not healthy, nor is it anyway to treat somone you care about. I find it harder and harder to keep myself from doing it when attacked by this person. So...I think it is best for both of us to go our separate ways.

I will never be able to return the feelings this person has for me, either, and it is making it more and more difficult as well. Their feelings extend beyond friendship...and I just will not ever feel that way. It has gotten to be suffocating on more than one occasion, but I tried very hard to ignore it. It is just a recipe for disaster, I knew it was, but made the attempt anyway in order to keep from hurting this person anymore. I suppose that old saying is true...The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I do feel guilty, a bit. I do feel bad, but I also feel relieved. That should not be, if it were a friendship that were healthy. I should be devastated and wracked with guilt, should I not? I do not feel that way. What does that say about me? Perhaps I am the cold hearted bitch and the whore I have been accused of being.

William is calling for me, so I must end this here. I do hope that I will not have to deal with any backlash over this. It would really piss me off if I had to deal with more hurtful things being said and things thrown in my face, from this friend or from anyone else. ::Sigh:: But, if it comes, so be it. I have become thick skinned.

Oh, in all this I nearly forgot to announce that I will be heading to Reno in September for Christmas shopping and to see Jeff Dunham at the Silver Legacy ( I think that is where he will be). For those of you who do not know who he is...he is the ventriliquist with the dummies Peanut, Jose Jalipeno on a Stick, Walter, and others. If that does not help you, sorry! ;oP

With much love for you all, even the friend that can no longer be....

Truly Misery, today

current mood: calm
current music: Wendy Rule-"Singing to the Bones"

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Friday, August 29th, 2008
10:35 pm - Writing again...
Started my short story in my other journal. Abby_Normal's Journal. It proves to be a theraputic, disturbing, memorable ride. Well, for the author, anyway. Reliving some things and purging others from my imagination; perhaps this will help with the Night Terrors.

Till then,


current mood: creative
current music: Concrete Blonde-"Roses Grow"

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4:43 pm - Bad Religion
I just had a startling and disturbing conversation with a friend. I will not go into details about who it was, or what exactly we were discussing, but it hurt me deeply.

He or she will probably read this and feel...who knows what, but I hope that they will keep it to themselves and not respond or comment on this. If they have anything to respond to or say, I would hope they would do it in private. I should be allowed to purge my hurt, insult, and anger somewhere without repurcussions. Yes, I know, I spelled that wrong. I should be allowed to vent, too. This is my journal, and I should be able to feel what I feel without punishment. If I am wrong, then I am wrong, but I cannot help how I feel, either. The road goes both ways.

I have made a vow, a promise, what ever you want to call it, with my Goddess. From my understanding, Christians do similar things...I think? If I am wrong, so terribly sorry. It is from misunderstanding, not trying to insult or assume anything about other religions.

Anyway, I made this vow/promise to do something, something that I know is right, but inconvenient (to say the least) to myself and this friend. I feel that if I do not uphold my end of the bargain, well...I don't know what would happen, but it would be wrong. I think it would be wrong to go back on my word, especially to a God/Goddess.

This friend would like me to do that, but did not outright ask me to. They did want me to ask for "an exception", just this once. I feel that it would be breaking my promise and will not do it. This, of course, angered my friend a bit and he or she said something along the lines of.."I would never worship a deity that was that vengeful." I took great offense to this, and it hurt me deeply. I took it to mean that who I worship was wrong. I know that it could have meant that they would not be able to worship like I do, but...I also felt that they were saying that my Goddess and God were terrible and vengeful and, well...wrong. I face a lot of prejiduce, misunderstanding, and even hatred for my religion. I have all my life, but I have never expected it from this friend, who always said how open minded they were and how they had respect for other people's beliefs. That is something that I think is essential in everyone, even when it is hard. I myself have a hard time with some religions, do not believe certain things they believe, but I respect them and must not judge them. It is hard to do sometimes, VERY hard to do...like when you see young girls being forced into marriages and younger girls having their sexes mutilated so they cannot experience pleasure, but...there is nothing I can do about it and despite feeling strongly that it is wrong and not what I would believe, I must not say anything. I would want the same respect from others about my religion.

I face a lot of false assumptions in my religion everyday. No, I do not sacrifice animals or people or worship Satan. No, I do not hex people (although there have been times when I wish that I could, but it is completely against mine and other true Wiccans' beliefs), nor do I curse, sick bad mojo, or anything else bad. "Harm ye none" is our belief. I face things like this and worse, and so you can imagine how hurt I would be hearing something negative from someone I trusted, someone I cared about, someone I considered a friend.

I may have overreacted or misunderstood or took offense at something that was not intended. In fact, I am sure it was not intended to insult or hurt, but I cannot help that it did. It felt...like a blow. I never thought I would hear anything from this friend's mouth that would make me feel like that again. It has happened before, but I never thought that it would happen again.

I feel that this friend was taking their hurt and anger out on me, and I don't know that I want to place myself in the position to be hurt again. Perhaps things will look differently later, but for now, I am going to go play with my son. I am going to do what I know to be right and try to forgive this person because I know, in their heart, they did not mean to hurt me. It is just getting harder and harder to believe that when every time things go wrong for this person and I, every arguement, hurtful things DO get said. I am guilty of it myself, and I do not like it. I lash back when I am hurt, and it is not a trait I am proud of. So maybe the friendship is just not healthy for either of us...


current mood: Hurt

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3:38 pm - Vintage Toy??
I saw Strawberry Shortcake dolls on sale on ebay last night. They were the very same dolls I used to have as a little girl. Guess what? The seller called them...VINTAGE!! Made me feel older than dirt!! GRRR.

Oh well. I guess I am an old spinster. But, I have lived longer than I ever thought possible...so I can take it.

I miss the toys of my childhood. Yoy know what I miss a lot? Those scratch n' sniff books and stickers. Do any of you remember those? Ahh..I would sniff em till the smell was all gone and they were scratched shiny. Wonder why they don't make those anymore...

I miss the old cartoons, too. Especially the Disney classics...I remember that's mostly what was on the Disney channel when I was a kid...Mickey Mouse cartoons, and all the rest. Even the old ones from the fourties and fifties...especially the old Goofy ones...remember those? They were like training videos and stuff...about football and driving cars? Do you remember the one where Goofy turned into some madman when he got behind the wheel of a car?? I LOVED that one!! And I loved the noise he made when he would fall off a cliff or down a well or something. Wahoo-hoo-hoo-hooey!!

Now all that's on Disney channel is Hannah Montana and other pre-teen stuff that I am way sick of. Hardly any cartoons at all, except for morning when my son is in school. ::Sigh:: I just miss those really good, really funny cartoons. I guess I have to buy those classic collections or something.

I am starting my Christmas shopping list today. Also window shopping some of my fave web sites for stuff. I wish I were rich. ::Sigh::

Thinking of getting William his first bike for Christmas and donate his tricycle to the school. He's grown three inches since December and I think his knees are officially bumping the handle bars. LOL. I found one that looks like a moto-cross bike at Wal-Mart. Can't afford to get him his own motorcycle yet...I remember that was what I got for my fourth Christmas from my Dad...a mini-three wheeler. I would love to get him a small quad, but I am still in debt from the playhouse/gym equipment I had built in the front yard for him. He will just have to pack behind me on my quad for a few years more. Maybe things will turn around next year...but I doubt it. I have the terrible feeling the economy and my bank account are going to plummit in the next few years.

William just bit into the first apple off of our tree in the back yard. I think it was not quite ripe enough, but he insisted on picking the first one of the season and eating it. He just made my bitter beer face, so I would say it is pretty sour still and not ripe. I warned him about a stomach ache, but he threw a fit and I said, "Okay, just don't come cryin' to me when you're belly hurts and you have the runs!"

He will, of course, and I will do what I can to soothe it; despite having told him. I will probably even refrain from telling him "I told you so."

Need to get back to work, so....until next time.


current mood: nostalgic
current music: "Blister in the Sun" by the Violent Femmes

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Thursday, August 28th, 2008
3:49 pm - P.S.
I STILL want my challa bread french toast.

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3:26 pm - Back to Normal...
Or at least what passes for normal. Coping with the pain and trying not to take any pain killers today. Work was hard, hurt bad, but managed. Changing sheets on the beds, oddly, was the hardest.

Re-read my post last night. Pink hair? What was I thinking?

Anywhoo. Worried about my friend Lisa Marie...read her journal and am worried about her and her family. I know they are mostly okay, but still, I am worried. Lisa, if you get a chance to read this...I am here for you, girl!! Call me if you need, number is in a comment on your page. Praying and thinking of all of you.

Found a ring this morning that Bradley had bought me before he died. Like, DAYS before he died. Set off a bout of tears this morning, but I wore it all day, despite the fact that it is hard to work in it. It is a rather large chunk of turquoise, set in silver. Kept getting caught in the kids' hair...lol. Poor things...

Worked at William's school today, too. Hence...getting caught in the kids' hair. Had fun, spoiled them all and played on the slide and swings.

What is it about playing on the swings with four year olds that is so damn theraputic?? Hard not to forget your troubles and sadness when you are swinging, flying, hair flying, and squealing as loud as the kids are.

We had art today, too, the kids and I. I always found that to be theraputic, as well. We fingerpainted. I LOVE fingerpainting!! Although, it was hard to sit my fat butt on those short, dinky little chairs. Preschool teachers are saints to be able to sit on that mini-dwarf furniture all day long. I could NOT hack it, if it were me.

It was hard on my joints, the getting up and down in those short chairs, but I bit my cheeks and managed to not groan. Well, not too loud.

I need a trip to Reno. I wish I had the money to go, but alas...have to have food, electricity, and DSL more. LOL.

William and I played in the front yard, and Abby came out too. I tied her halter to a tree in the front and she mowed my lawn for me while William splashed around in his wading pool. He got me back for the squirt with the water hose, by the way. An action that has forced me to declare war. He doesn't know it yet, but it's on, now.

Stopped by the local library today and looked for the author Amber was reading...found they have her (and I was shocked at this since the library has very little worth reading in it) but they had been checked out, as had any of Neil Gaimen's stuff.

Oh well. It just saves me from staying up way to late after I get William to bed. Course, I will probably sit on the computer instead like a dumb ass. It may be why the fibro acted up this time...lack of sleep and poor diet. Been living on cereal, protein bars, and Rock Star drinks. I cook for William, but by the time it's done, the sight of it turns my stomach and I end up just sitting with him at the table, talking about our days and watching him eat. Occasionally I break my own rules and make a pb&j instead of what is made for dinner; something I try not to let William get away with.

Planning on hooking up the treadmill in the garage tonight. Snow will be coming soon and I will go nuts if I can't get some walking done, even if it is indoors. Course, I get better exercise tramping through the snow. More resistance, but the garage has a heater!

William and I are heading up to Eagle Lake in a week or two for the weekend. Going to go to the "beach" and play in the lake. Trying to teach William to swim, but the size of the lake is a bit daunting for him, he gets pretty nervous. If they would ever get off their sanctimonious asses in this town and do something about getting the pool back, I would have a place to teach him. That is not likely to happen, though...so...the lake it is.

Well, going to go play with my boy and groom the horse.


current mood: Content, pained, sad all in 1
current music: William laughing at my singing Spongebob theme

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Wednesday, August 27th, 2008
8:30 pm - Hair dye and the thought for the day
Psychopharmacology has never found a friend in me, but I'll eat sugar cubes all day and night.

I want to dye my hair again. I will have to strip the color from it first....but I am thinking....hot pink. Yep, you heard me right!! Bleach blond with hot pink tips. OOH! Flame colors...red, pink, orange, with blue at the tip. RAINBOW HEAD! YES!!

::Sigh:: No, I won't, but it would be fun. I do think I will bleach the color out and dye it hot pink though. Bubble gum hot pink, with purple streaks. Can you tell I'm bored?

Sleepy now, William is abed and my pain meds are making me woozy again.

So, goodnight all. Bubble gum dreams, as my Auntie says.


current mood: sleepy
current music: The voices in my head singing me lullabyes.

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5:51 pm - Fibro Flare ups and Challa Bread French Toast
My Fibro is flaring up again. Got that damned foggy brain and man, my hands feel like they are on fire (not to mention back, arms, wrists, and left leg) when I type, so bear with the typos, folks.

I hurt and feel crappy today, and aside from the pain and the new meds they have me on that are making me sick to my stomach, I want Challa French Toast and there is not a single damn place in this town to buy challa bread. I had the BEST stuffed challa bread french toast at this little dive in Portlan a few weeks ago. It was GREAT hangover food, and I am craving it like there is no tomorrow, hoping that it would help the med and fibro yuckiness. But, no such luck.

I could try to make it myself, but...beings I am far from Jewish and don't know the first thing about Kosher, it would probably taste horrible. Yes, I know it sounds funny...but I know that the blessing and thought that goes in to traditional challa bread is what makes it taste SO good. Disagree if you will. I am sticking to it. I may be Wiccan, but I am eclectic, and I am one of those rare ones that believes in God still, too. God and the Goddess..wait...I was talking about french toast, not religion. How the hell did that happen??

Sorry. I used to think that it was just years of hair dye seeping into my brain, or the adult onset ADD or something that affected my thinking and talking. Ask any of my friends...they will tell you how ditzy I can get. Well, turns out that it is NOT just my natural air-headedness...it is a symptom of the fibromyalgia. I didn't know it till I read about it in the local paper (huh, of all places, right?? Shocker!) and called my doc about it today. He failed to return my call as a lot of dr.s are wont to do, but I did some research on the net, and discovered I now have an explanation for it. Whodathunkit.

Anyway, need to go struggle through making dinner. Pain meds are going to kick in soon, I hope, but then I will REALLY be in a daze. Oh well.

Talk to you later, dear readers, friends, loved ones and this poor, bored out of it's mind if it had one journal.
Goddess Bless and keep you, and remember I love you all. (Hmm...very mushy feeling write now. Sorry.)


current mood: In pain, but feeling loving.
current music: Loreena McKennit-Bonnie Portmore

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Tuesday, August 26th, 2008
9:01 pm - Samhain will be upon us soon...
I am working on my costume, or, at least....trying to figure out what I am going to be. William says he wants to go as a cowboy. I wonder if he is thinking I will let him ride Abby through town, knocking on doors.

I have my silent/dumb supper planned already. Brad's faves, as usual, with one or two dishes that Grandma loved. Maybe I will attempt her yeast rolls....hmm.

I am cruising the costume sites, looking for ideas. I went as a goth chick last year. I know, real stretch, huh? LOL

Perhaps I will go as an Indian Princess to match William's cowboy costume. Or, ::grumbles:: a cowgirl. I think I like the indian maiden better, though.

I am getting items together for the ritual, as well. Damned hard to find supplies in this town, though. I have to head to Reno for the bulk of them. Better do that soon.

I was hoping to have met some people by now to celebrate with, but...no takers as yet. I have seen signs of fellow wiccans in town, but have not been able to a chance to talk shop with them. Shadow said he knew of one, but she never called. Oh well.

I know we are few here, but I know we are here. I just need to bit the bullet and say, "Hey, nice (insert wiccan symbol here) tatt. I'm one too. Are you solitary, or do you have a coven? And...what are you doing for Samhain this year?"

It sucks. I have been a solitary practitioner for a long time, but...I was taught and raised in a coven. I MISS it!!!

Oh well. Worship when and where you can, right?

::Snifflesniffle:: Did I mention that The Nightmare Before Christmas came out today?

I get paid...um...let's see....soon. But most of that is already spoken for. I doubt the extra left over will be big enough for Mommy luxuries.

WHOA! My dad is watching some big rig/monster truck show and there is this couple that have tricked out their rig. It's named the Black Pearl and guess who is one the hood? Yes, my dears, Capt. Jack himself. ::Wipes drool::

What IS it about that pirate?? I swear, he can plunder, rape and pillage for my booty any day.

BIG plans coming up. Making reservations and what not for my trip next summer to Hollywood. (Ah, home sweet home) Jackie has sent email saying she has a tentative date for when Robert Downey Jr. is getting his star. Jackie is a friend of mine since childhood, and she is a t.v. producer. She's got me a press pass to attend his ceremony. 'Course I have had to practically trade my first born and act as her bitch/assistant/dirty job doer/go-fer/slave since she talked her boss into getting me in. I have been snooping and verifying facts, data, dates, celeb gossip, and more for what seems like years now. I guess I am technically assigned to the research dept. of her network as an intern in order to get a legit press pass. But, I don't care...it will be worth it.

OMG, dad is watching the Judds on some country music tv show. Must be an OLD one...and it's LOUD. Crud, that man needs a hearing aid! LOL! If it were headbangers ball or something, I wouldn't care, but...oh well.

I guess I better go sit with him and spend some daddy and daughter time, even if it is listening to his country music station. ::Sigh::

Catch ya on the flip side, folks. Oh no...Randy Travis!!! AARRRGGG!!! ::hehe:: Man, I think I downed that margarita too fast. Hope Dad doesn't smell the tequila. He'd be SO mad! LOL!

Poor Dad...Oh well. I better go.

Mizz Minx

current mood: Drunk...sssshhh..don't Dad!!
current music: Black Leather-GN'R cover

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5:44 pm - Open Mic Night
I heard from a woman today that I had not thought to speak to again. She invited me to an open mic night, and is urging me to recite my cocktail napkin poem. For those of you lucky bastards that have escaped having to read or hear it...ha HA! No such luck. I have posted it anew!!

Ode to a Cocktail Napkin

So small, so thin and delicate. You hold the power in you, though. Scribbles of lipstick and scratches of near empty pens hold a world of wonders in the numbers and letters written there.

You, the cocktail napkin, have brought lovers together and enemies too. Plans for the latest gadget to sweep the nation, lyrics to the next hit song, and the simplest of things: doodles.

You, the cocktail napkin, have been witness to lives ending, lives beginning, and the establishment of peace. You, the cocktail napkin, have been discarded without care, stained with the blood from a bar room brawl, and gently cleaned the spots from the dress of a movie star.

You, the cocktail napkin, ever present when we need you, and the divine messanger of that phone number we cannot lose. You, the cocktail napkin, have broken hearts and destroyed confidences with your fake phone numbers written in lipstick and your cruel insults written indelibly on your paper and on the victim's soul.

So here's to you, cocktail napkin, here's to you. Cheers! Oh damn, I spilled...hey, could I borrow that napkin for a minute?

I have not decided whether or not I will debase myself in front of a group of talented poets and singers, and embarass myself with this stupid poem. It would be the ultimate humiliation, I suppose.

I have written another one that she thinks I should perhaps open with...

Cocktail Accessories

I sat again at the bar today, trying to make houses out of toothpicks and the accessories of cocktails. I prefer the fancy little onions, but sometimes I end up eating them instead.

They laugh at me, I know, inside. I watch a couple schmooze, watch him pawn and gaw gaw over her. That's nice. It's nice they're not alone anymore.

My house of toothpicks, however, is not faring this holiday so well. The pretty little paper umbrellas are getting soggy.

I got a job, today. Watching a lovely child, he is so sweet. Reminds me of those little pink plastic King Cake babies...you know, the ones that represent the baby Jesus? They bake 'em inside and the child that finds it will have good luck all year. Mardi Gras, I miss it. I wonder if the little children ever choke on those plastic babies.

I am collecting cocktail napkins. Discarded ones with the lovely woman's fake phone number, scribbled in lipstick in hopes that the man will leave her alone now. I have an abundance. I call them, sometimes, just to see if it's really her. It usually isn't.

My hair is adorned with little plastic swords, the kind you spear olives on. I look like a drunken porcupine. No worries, I am drunk and it is 10 A.M.
My house of cocktail architecture is falling down around me. Luckily I'm alone, however, for I am trapped inside it.

Well, off to cook dinner now. Oooh...turkey joe night!! (blech) But William likes them. So, what Prince William wants, Prince William gets. Well, everything except that damned goat.



current mood: contemplative
current music: Various songs by Betty Blowtorch

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5:19 pm - Ghost of the Scent of You
Darkened shapes where photos once hung stain the sun faded paint of the walls in my room.

Glittering glass still crunches under my boots as I stumble in at 3 A.M.; only to fall in a rumpled, drunken, smoky heap at the foot of your side of the bed.

I lay curled around the shoe you threw at me, like a wounded puppy begging for affection.

I cry like a child, and then rage in turn, surrounded by candles lit and left to burn.
Only to slip into sleep once I am wrapped in the arms of the ghost of the scent of you.

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