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You'll Never Understand

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BITE THE CURB. [18 Mar 2004|10:13am]
Okay i'm home like usual. I don't even know if i'm suspended or not i'm just home and that's it. Theres no point in me going to school anymore. Everyday that I go something stupid just happenes that upsets me more. I've given up on angermanegment classes and going to see that councler. I don't care they can't make me when I tell them what a feel they don't understand. They just stare at me with there fact careing faces and say don't worry about it, it will all work out and bla bla bla. They smile at me when they shouldn't. They've started making me show them everywhear i've cut and i'm fucking tired of waht they think and want me to do. Why should i listen to what they want? Its not like they acually listen to me, the school is paying for them to sit there and pretend like they understand pretend that they have indeed been threw the same shit i have. When in reality they can't even relate to it. No1 can fully understand how i feel i guess its partly my fault becuase i don't know tell people but even if i told them they wouldn't understand and then i could lose them as a friend and i don't know mabe i would be better off like that. I've come to figure out that having friends is pointless. In the end they'll let me die watch and pretend to be sad about it. Go to the funeral and wake and cry there fake tears and then say we did all we could. I am letting the world know now that they didn't do shit for me. They just were 2 faced assholes. They siad they knew what i was going threw that they felt what i felt that they understood and had my back and didn't think i was insane and would never leave my side. Yes, shure okay in what life time? when i'm dead will you have my back and say how great i was. no i don't even think you will do that for me when i'm gone. Now that i'm hear you just say shit behind my back how you think i need help and how i am going insane and what not. I'm tired of it. If you think i'm so insane why do you go around with me and make me think that i have true people in this world. Do you like hearing my problems so you can feel better about yourself and be like wow glad that's not me. Because i don't walk around sad and depressed but you make me feel depressed i just don't let you see it. I don't want to give you that good feeling knowing i'm upset. I don't even have people that can come over and just be like its okay. Okay and with the visions and shit. I'm tired of eveyone saying i either make them up or that i need mental help. I don't need help. The sad part is i don't tell you about them but you ask about them. So i think mabe you acually care and are are true friend so i tell you. You pretend to know and understand and say you don't think i'm crazy but tehn you run to the rest of my "friends" and tell them all about what i said. All about how you think i'm craving attention and how i don't know what i'm talking about. Do you only stick around so that you can use me as convorsation? So you can be like wow lets talk about Dee becuase you know everyone in school thinks she's hot and perfect and she's popular but she wants more than that. Which is pure bullshit. I Don't want my name in any convorsations and i don't want to be popular. why do you think i come into school looking the way i do one day punk one day not. becuase you hate the people that do that but what is it now the "cool" thing to do or something? i have no need to impress any of you and i'm not going to. i'll never give up unless 1 person left me but i'm not saying who becuase i don't need all you fuckers knowing even more about me than you already do. its like i can't keep anything to myself the whole world has to know everything. Telling everybody EVERYTHING hasn't made me feel better its made me want to cut mroe. But i don't want to cut becuase its just another mindless game in my world. But yet again isn't my life just a whole big game to all you anyway? I think it is.. i don't think you take me for a human you want me to fight and cut and try to commit suicide so you can act as my "heros" and think make people think that your helping me out making me a better person solving my problems. you can't solve my problemes becuase half of my problems are you. the other half are fucked up feelings. you want to help so bad? you want to feel needed in my life and feel as if your my best friend.. well don't becuase you can't. unless you some how can live my life than there is noway you could understand its impossible. Sometimes i acually want to go to school. i say to myself yes today will be the day when nothing goes wrong. i will sit in class with everyone and not do something stupid. i won't make myself seem fucked up i won't fight with anyone. but it never works, i can't keep promisses to myself at all. i can't even trust myself i'm afraid to be alone bymyself. i have so much hate for the world and you all know that. but you have no idea how much hate i have for myself. for all the hate i have for you its like 100 times more about myself. there is not one thing i love about myself or even like. i wish i could kill myself i think about it. i wish i could just end this its not fair. if sean could do it why can't i why does he get the happiness of being away from this bullshit. i never relized how rite he was about all the shit he used to sya to me. you may be saying o well what did he say we only saw him happy n as a clown or beating up people. well yeah unlike you i am true and i won't say what he said even if he is dead. he is still the best ever and i wouldn't tell you. but let me tell you they were beyond my thoughts. i can't even imagin ever thinking what he thought i would mentally just die and become nothing. i wouldn't have any faith in anything at all. someone told me to go to church to talk to god... i think not. i have no use for god he has not been helping me threw any of this andi don't think he will start. so as i sit here counting the minutes pass. good bye for now.
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[17 Mar 2004|03:34pm]
Info Black
Your Heart is Black

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

how incredibly typical. grreaattt didn't see this one comming. its not that i don't love peopel its just it takes alot for me to love you. it takes alot me to acually think your my best friend. i don't like trusting people and when i do trust people they end up messing up some how. i tend to just not like people in general. preppy people that are always happy and all i just can't stand. i don't know its like fuck off you have problems you just want to seem perfect. anyone that feels the need to seem perfect is stupid and should die just because of that. thank you and good bye
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[BULL SHIT] [03 Mar 2004|02:12pm]
I cut myself yet again. When will it all end? Sometimes I just wish i could let go of every good memory and just die. It seems like everyone is just trying to make everything in life harder and more difficult. They don't want to help becuase that would mean they have to acually ruin there perfect little lives. That's alright though i don't need or want there help at all. I'm better off with out them they fuck things up and make a big deal about everything there ever is. Got into soo many fights yesterday it was crazy o well i don't care i'm not holding back anymore. I'm not suspended for some reason i'm acually in a classroom with kids and all. I guess that would mean my life is getting a little normal. Not shure acually. I'm going to take pictures of my arms and put it in here. I'm not shure why maybe you'll understand what i do to myself if you can see it. I hate myself for it but i do. Some how the blood rushing makes it everything in the world feel so much better. But i mean some times it dosn't. Some times i do it just for the hell of it..i'm bored and i do it. Havn't seen anything lately surprisingly the visions and shit havn't happened yet. I hate them anyway i'll never want them but its weird when there not here its almost a empty
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Xx Da ArMy xX [02 Mar 2004|08:44pm]
$$ R.I.P Sean Da Tru Head Of The Army FOREVER! I Miss You More Than You'll Ever Know. $$

1. MiZz DeE - Da LeAdA
21.La Darrien
67.Big L
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Fuck You [01 Mar 2004|06:47pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Okay yeah I started this new blurty thing becuase my councler person is making me. She says its better if I get everything that i feel out in the open. I think she is terribly wrong and needs to fuck off but here it is.

...Everything has been fucken crazy. Tonight are the fights for Da Army if any of you fuckers feel like trying to get in hit up one of the kids in the army and tell them they'll give ya the time and place. If ya call my cell or my house your going to get the shit beat outa ya. So don't bother hitting me up i don't deal with your shit i got enough to work with. My girl went into da hospital today. She fucken slit her wrists and slit her stumach open than hung herself dossed up on pain killers and got fucken drunk as hell. Her bro took her down before she died from hanging herself. I'm gonna hit up da hospital lata to see her. Since i'm a true bitch and i acually go to see muh girls n guys when dey need meh. Even though not all of them would come see me its all good one day they'll need me n i won't be there until then i'll stay tru to them. I relized i don't trust anyone at all. And that the only person i truly trust is Austin. <3 yeah i cut myself again =[ i didn't mean to i got so pissed off at everything i just slit them. I hadda go to the hospital the other day becuase of cutting and i don't know. i'm still seeing things also. Horrible things i know and i feel so fucken horrible for seeing them. I'm not going to say what they are liek 2 people know and i'll keep it that way for now at least. School has just been stupid and all.

Anyone who reads this yeah i don't fucken care what you think or anything so fuck you and your life and i hope its just ever so perfect.

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