Heather's Journal

Friday, September 5, 2003

1:25PM - Not Sure Anymore

I have been thinking a lot about different things in my life, I told my best friend (Britt) and one of my closest friends they are the only ones who know, I was going to do sumthing and almost did but then I decided not too.. (and no its not wat ur thinking) now Im wishing I did, I really think I need to do this but I don't want sumone to get hurt by it. And if I dont do it, I'll be hurt. And I've always thought of others b4 myself but I can't deal with this anymore, I really need to jus do this thing which seems incredibly impossible, but I have to suck it up and do it. I need to talk to Britt about it and also Chad. So either one of you.. talk to me soon.. I need it. Thanx guys your the best..LYG(Britt) Chad, thanx! Anyway I guess you've noticed by now me and Britt aren't fightin anymore.. The first day of school i got pushed into her by one of ma other friends and then we jus kinda started talkin. That's really how we always "make up". Anyway I glad.. But hey Britt n Chad, I need to talk to you both ASAP! Luv Ya Both!

Current mood: gloomy
Current music: "Callin all Angels" by Train
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Friday, August 29, 2003

11:39AM - So Confused and Hurt

Well Wendesday night everyone apparently saw my journal entry, including my best friend, Brittany. And she sent me and Im saying Im so Sorry and everything and I had my away message on, so when I got back I jus said wat? Well this is our IM..(Her screenname has been replaced with BF)
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BF: hey i am so sorry.... if u want i wont go ova his house and ill jus be like idk... not be like i was i am so sorry!

Auto response from SxyChrLeadrCCF: WaTcHiN sUmThIn On Tv, AnD wAkInG uP. Be BaCk At 12

SxyChrLeadrCCF: wat are u talking about?
BF: what ?
SxyChrLeadrCCF: BF: hey i am so sorry.... if u want i wont go ova his house and ill jus be like idk... not be like i was i am so sorry!
SxyChrLeadrCCF: wtf does that meab?
BF: from ur jurnel
SxyChrLeadrCCF: yea i know that, but now ur sayin wat u go to his house frequently?
BF: no
SxyChrLeadrCCF: well then wat are u tryin to tell me?
BF: ok.....
BF: i was talkin to him bout maybe me an him could get together more since i have no life an that maybe we could chill more and his mom likes me wich ha is a first and yeah.... and like i wont act flirty nemore towereds him since i no how u feel toweredsh im and im sorry
SxyChrLeadrCCF: ok ya know wat, no i dont want you going over his house... only becuase u do like him, and i really dont give a fuck wat his mom thinks of you... he is my fuckin boifriend and u always d this to me.. i finally found sumone that i reallly like and you jus end up like in him or wanting to go out with him and then i have that in the back ofmy mind and cant take it!
BF: ok i wont talk to him and i have liked him for a while i jus never really told anyone but him iv none him for a while ... but i really dont want to fight ova this.. so i will tell u now yes i do like him but i dont want him i think u guys r great for each other i really do
SxyChrLeadrCCF: brittany u say that about all of my boifriends... and uve said it one to many times.. and yea i think not talkin to him is ALL your descion (a good one) but dont blame any of the not talkin to him on me!
BF: i wont
SxyChrLeadrCCF: ever since charlie and that whole thing, ive lost all trust in you, and i always start to regain sum of it and u go n do this... u needto think about how t is going to affect other people b4 u do dumthing!
SxyChrLeadrCCF: sumthing*
BF: ok
SxyChrLeadrCCF: on ur guilt trip again i see

Auto response from BF: fuck all of u... i really dont give a shit anymore ... so w/e il goin and then try an lock everythin up in side me agian an becom shy as all hell agian.. buh bye

BF: yupp
SxyChrLeadrCCF: yea well have fun...its stupid to do all that but then again uve dont it enough so ur use to it.. buh bye
BF: yupp i am.... but w/e and ur ova there tellin chad everythin and he is ha well yeah ok...
BF: bye
SxyChrLeadrCCF: im not tellin chad anything
SxyChrLeadrCCF: he cares and read my journal
SxyChrLeadrCCF: hes a friend n lookin out for me
BF: so did i.. and i told u i was sorry cuz then i didnt no howu felt bout him at all
SxyChrLeadrCCF: dont lie brittany
SxyChrLeadrCCF: u knew allaong how much i liked him
BF: no i didnt
SxyChrLeadrCCF: its a little fuckin obvious brittany and i even told u the nite at the movies i liked him and i know ive toldu since weve benn goin out..
BF: i no u liked him i didnt no how much... and wut 2 friends cant hang out.. wowthat pretty bad
SxyChrLeadrCCF: brittany dont even start that shyt... u jus admitted that u were all flirty towards him
BF: not the day i was at his house
SxyChrLeadrCCF: and i dont remeber ever saying u couldnt hangout with him as frisuntil after u went behind my back and went n hung ouwith hm all day
SxyChrLeadrCCF: friends*
SxyChrLeadrCCF: BF: i was talkin to him bout maybe me an him could get together more since i have no life an that maybe we could chill more and his mom likes me wich ha is a first and yeah.... and like i wont act flirty nemore towereds him since i no how u feel toweredsh im and im sorry
SxyChrLeadrCCF: FLIRTY NEMORE?
SxyChrLeadrCCF: which means u must of been b4
BF: yeah i was flirty towered him when u guys werent goin out i was flirty w/ him online when i was at his house i barly talked an if i did it was about u dan scott kassandra ao john
SxyChrLeadrCCF: if i didnt care about john as much as i do, i would tell u not to ever talk thim again.. but becuz he considers u his friend i cant do that to him
BF: ok
BF: well ill do it for u
BF: ok ?
SxyChrLeadrCCF: yea well do wat u want but if u trun ne of this shyt around on me so john gets mad at me ur goin down!
BF: ok
BF: i wont
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So I asked John about everything and that jus kinda made things worse, I really jus wish this would jus go away, I have enough on my mind about other things and Im really gettin sick of people IMing me telling me all this shyt about John. So maybe its true, maybe its not and rite now the only thing I care about is him, I don't care about wat he's done, I dont care about who his friends are or who they aren't, that's all in the past and I don't live by the past. John you know that, so you never have to explain anything that happened, It wont change how I feel.
Well thats really it, Im sick of it so Im not writing anymore bout it. John jus remember, I love you.

Current mood: crushed
Current music: "Love You More Than That" BSB
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Wednesday, August 27, 2003

1:31PM - Mixed Up Feelings

First off Im not sure how I feel about my best friend likeing my boifriend and going over his house all day without me knowing until she IMed me on his s/n at his house and told me. I flipped out when she told me and she lied to me that day and said they were jus friends and she didn't like him. She knows I hate being lied too but she still did it anyway. Last nite she sent me an IM between her and my boifriend and to my shock while I was reading it he says "so you like me, name, name and name" (names not mentioned in here for reasons) and so I switched rite over to my boifriend and my IM and write quote "(my best friends name) LIKES YOU?!" and his replie was a little disturbing, I wont mention it only because I dont know if my best friend will be hurt by it. Altho I was hurt when she admitted at the bottom of mine n her IM quote "Yes, I like (my boifriends name), but please don't be mad at me." After that I basically jus ignored her or said oh. Becuase I WAS mat at her, not only becuase of the fact that she likes my boifriend, but becuase she lied to me. I am still pretty mad but I don't know if Im jus mad or mad at her. I mean yea Im mad at her, and I dont't wanan start a fight but if she touches him, I'll break every bone in her body, she knows how much I love him, and I dont see how she could even like him knowing that. I don't know, I mean I don't think Im taking this to far, but you all might think I am but you'd have to know the whole story between myself and my boifriend. And Im not mad at my boifriend, im jus upset that he never said anything about it to me because he had to have seen that me and my best friend were fighting cuz she was there. I was going to ask him about it that nite, but he was really stressed so I put my feelings aside for him. And this is wat I got in return. Im not mad at you tho Babe!
I really jus wish she (my best friend) would forget about liking him becuz it really screwed up things when I read that. But I know exactly wat she'll say, I can't jus stop liking him, when actually yes she can. But w/e. She wont ruin this for me. And that's a promise.

Current mood: blank
Current music: "Into You" Fabulous f/ Tamia
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