Blake's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Blake [ website | *Me* (updated) ] [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

Breakdown [31 Oct 2004|12:23pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Mariah Carey ] Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you But in reality I'm slowly losing my my mind Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly 'Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night And turn down all the lights and then I break down and cry... hit me with your best shot

Total Shock [21 Oct 2004|03:27pm] [ mood | sad ] WOW...I can't even believe that you would blame me for everything that happened...I'm hurt so bad, I can't even describe how I feel. How I feel. It's weird ya know, that just because I'm dealing with all these events in a way of my own, I'm now heartless and careless. This does not mean that I am not dealing with the situation anyway. I don't make frequent trips to ORMC, and if I do, it's because I want to see the person I love. He is MY boyfriend, but I believe that do you love him. I'm not mad, I'm not gonna have a "B.F." I'm hurt. Hurt that MY "best friend" would blast me like this. How selfish could she be to think that I'm not trynna handle everything the best I can? You act like I don't wanna come see you to face what happened, but when you and your mom constantly drop comments right to my face blaming me for what happened, I don't need to hear any of that. I get tired of talking about the whole thing and sitting depressed. All that does is make me feel MORE guilty for being okay and for what happened altogether. I hafta watch the two people closest to me cope with tragedies, but I don't feel anything? I do feel bad for being mean to Jason, but since you were always in our business, you would know that it wasn't the fault of an "ego trip that brought my friends down," it was the teasing I do to all of my friends. All of my friends except you. You blame me as if I don't feel bad enough. I'm sorry that you're not in such good shape, but I can't help what happened. Am I not supposed to drive to school or work or ORMC? I have to keep on living, and part of that is functioning as normal. I'm trying to concentrate on Jason getting better since I know that you'll be okay. Maybe I could've been better to Jason, but it is my decision to determine if "making up" is to be done, and if it is, it's on my terms, as he is my boyfriend. I do care about you, and I do wanna come see you, but it's just that when I keep getting blamed right to my face, I can't handle it. I DO wish for you to be fine again, and I am truly sorry for what happened. Don't you think that I feel TERRIBLE watching you hafta rehabilitate yourself? The person I was planning on spending the rest of my life with is COMATOSE and could die or stay like that for the rest of his life. How can you act like I don't feel anything? NO ONE can imagine how bad that's hurting me. Hurting me to know he can't hear me, hurting me to know he can't and may never see me again. Until you are me, in my shoes and in my mind, you cannot tell me and others how I feel. I'll tell you now though. I'm hurt. Deeply. Hurt that I must watch those around me suffer when I'm okay. Hurt that my "best friend" would try to embarrass and make me feel bad like this. While you think you know "who your true friends are", I'm still having to contemplate that one... 2 arrows| hit me with your best shot

Just Whatever [14 Sep 2004|10:47pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | "Hold Me Now" ~ Thompson Twins ] Hey. I have some great news --- *drumrollllllll* I'm gonna be in box!!! I start my training on Monday. I never thought I'd make it there. I'm so happy! That just bough AMC an easy next 2 months of my employment. I don't think I've ever been this excited over work before. I can't WAIT to ID underage people who think they can see rated-R movies. I forgot about buying Bryan a nice skateboard deck fom Vert for his birthday Friday. I went in thinking, "These people are gonna wonder WHY I'm in here, and I have no idea what to get him." Thankfully one of his best friends, Steven, was in there and showed me exactly what Bryan wanted. Well now my mom's being weird and yelling at me and Bryan, so I'll hafta write more later. XOXO Blake 3 arrows| hit me with your best shot

Green-Eyed Monster [14 Sep 2004|10:37pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | "Don't Mess With My Man" ~ Nivea & Jagged Edge ] Okay, I gotta get some shit outta my system: I'm SOOOOOOOOOOO tired of Nicole and Jason's little best-bud relationship. I'm so sick of it, I can't friggin stand it. I'm not even jealous of it, but they accuse me of it. It ticks me off that he'll not do something with me, then head off with her. I'm tired of her making him her pseudo-boyfriend. Shit, they do more together than other of us. I feel like Nicole is coming between us, and I can't stand it. Lord forbid me tell her; oh then I'd be this BIIIGGG asshole. If she thinks of me as that, then she musta been one the whole time she accused Allie of liking Brady -- it's exactly the same thing. They talk on the phone constantly, to where either I'm interrupting a conversation between them, or she's beeping in when we're talking. I have now become the third wheel, and I should be the middle of them. They met through me, not outside of me. They keep doing all this shit without me (and it's not even that I wanna do any of it), and pretty soon they're not gonna need me around. Shit, they already don't. They obviously talk about me, but neither one will tell me what the other says. They also talk so bad about each other, but then accuse me of LYING when I tell them about it. I don't know what to do. I asked Felicia if I'm being ridiculous or stupid. She said no, that I should break them up. It's not jealousy, it's not possessiveness. I'm just tired of being thrown outta the loop. I feel like I'm the fuckin tag-along. I feel like they're the couple I'm intruding on. I can't stand this shit! What the hell am I supposed to do though? Stop talking to both of them? I asked them both to chill their shit out, but of course they both reverted back to one another. I can't take this shit anymore.... XOXO Blake hit me with your best shot

Just Thought I'd Share This... [13 Sep 2004|03:39pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | "Caught Up in the Rapture" ~ Won-G feat. Giselle ] B Busy L Loud A Astounding K Kind E Excellent Name / Username: Name Acronym Generator From Go-Quiz.com I'm outtie. XOXO Blake 1 arrow| hit me with your best shot

From Chaos [12 Sep 2004|08:50pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | "You Wouldn't Believe" ~ 311 ] Hello. Dang, I had started a good entry about my weekend, but my computer messed up, so I lost it. Oh well, I wasn't really talking about much anyway (when do I ever?). Friday night, Nicole, Jason and I all went to Osaka for the food we'd been craving all day. It took FOREVER for us to be seated, then when we were, we were just chattin away then they sat this totally Jerry Springer couple beside us. You could kinda tell that the guy wanted to (in a country accent now y'all) "take the little lady out for a fancy dinner at a Japanese steakhouse". Yeah right.... Okay, we're gonna have a fancy breakfast at IHOP. Anyways, he kinda had that "I'ma be king shit tonight cuz we're going out" attitude. He kept grabbing Nicole's knee under the table, and she was getting freaked out, but she couldn't really tell us, so we all just sat there. The couple wound up arguing over something stupid, and the guy kept telling the woman "shut up and eat yer dinner, bitch" even though we didn't have any food yet. Oh, there was also mad confusion with their order, since the man decided he wanted steak and shrimp, chicken and shrimp, and a lobster tail which "was not to be overcooked". They were totally backwoods. The people at the other end of our table (a nice family with 3 little kids) were looking at them like, "Why are these people even out in public?" It was quite amusing. After that Nicole went home, and Jason and I saw Resident Evil: Apocalypse, or at least everything after the first 10 minutes. I thought it was actually pretty good (of course I was expecting it to be completely awful). It had a lotta jump scares, and at the end we find out Milla Jovovich (Alice in the movies) will be the new villian for RE3. It was fun though cuz the theatre was packed, and everyone was jumping and screaming. There weren't any loud ghetto people when we went, thank goodness. Today's my mommy's birthday. She's 36. That's weird cuz when I'm 18, she'll only be twice my age (I guess that's not a very good thing though). I feel bad because I really tried to get her something, but I just couldn't find anything. Even Bryan got her a couple movies. Brandon gave her this really sweet card that I'm sure made her cry (it almost made ME). I'm gonna try to get here something tomorrow or Tuesday and just give it to her a little late. Saturday's Styria's (Felicia's) birthday. I need to get her something too. Work has been crazy the past couple days. A woman came up to me last night, and it was VERY apparent that she was feeling the full effects of either acid or ecstasy. She wanted "WATER!! LOTS OF WATER!!" and sucked it down like there was no tomorrow. She was rambling about walking around the whole mall multiple times. When she sat down on one of the benches, she started playing with of the line-barriers. She was gone.... A man also pitched a fit because his daughter was sitting beside a couple having sex, like it was our fault. Why did the daughter not come out and tell one of us? Whatever. Today the Resident Evil movie started to mess up, so people came out throwing fits. One woman DEMANDED that we rewind the movie. She started going off on the managers because there was no way we could. She claimed "they rewound the movie when I watched 28 Days Later" but I think she was lying. It was a trip. I got to leave a little early though. That was nice. I'm glad Ivan's gonna miss us. I didn't wanna miss anymore school cuz at the rate they're going, I won't be graduating till like June. I also felt like this one was gonna mess my house up, since none of them ever do. Dang, I had like NOTHING to say...figures. Okay, well I guess I'll go now. I've been eating A LOT lately, and some Popeye's chicken is calling my name. XOXO Blake hit me with your best shot

So Here's the Way I'm Gonna Break it Down [08 Sep 2004|11:16pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | "Legend of a Cowgirl" ~ Imani Coppola ] Yeah, school tomorrow, after like a week vacation. Man, it's annoying to hafta try to get back into the groove of waking up at the ass-crack of dawn to get ready. Oh well, it's about time I get more of the education I haven't paid a dime for. Speaking of monetary units, as I was doing a little bit of laundry a while ago, I found a dime and a quarter in the washing machine. Since I was in gym shorts (when am I not) without any pockets, I stuck the 35 cents between my waist and the elastic band of my shorts. I later had to pee, completely forgetting about the money I had just discovered. As I was doing the dootie, something dropped into the toilet, scaring the literal piss outta me. I looked in the toilet to see what was going on. It was the 35 cents! It fell all the way to the bottom of the toilet, like almost where it starts to drain. I could do nothing but flushed the urined money away from my wallet. *wipes tear* Anyway, this just proves that yes, the money for our economy is indeed, going down the drain. Haaaaa.... Guess I laid an egg.... :oP So yeah, yesterday Jason and I went to Universal where some drama went down (go figure, we are *the* Drama King and Queen), but he elaborated on all that; I don't feel like it right now. We also went to WonderWorks, which to my initail dismay was a lotta fun. The "create-your-own-coaster" exhibit thing was cool. That ghetto machine flipped us all around and outta whack. Today when my mom went to see Brandon she took him the little Spider-Man dog tag I got him from Universal that had his name on it. She said he was fighting tears when she gave it to him, and he talked about how much he misses me. :'o( He made Bryan a birthday card and wrote "13" all over it, despite the fact that Bryan will be 14 Friday.... LOL In third grade for a Mother's Day book our class was doing, I wrote and essay on why I love my mom and wrote her birthday as being September 26, even though it's the 12, so I know how he feels. Dang, could The Real World possibly be getting GOOD again?! Dang, who woulda guessed that the black dude was gay? I'm shocked that they have *2* gay guys in the house for once...who knows what'll happen now. I always thought they should do one in Philly. Now they just need to do Atlanta, Detroit, DC, Houston, Phoenix, Toronto, and what about ORLANDO?! Maybe that's the ony I'll be on, since I'll be on The Real World some day. :o) One can only dream, which is what I'm about to do. 'Night. XOXO Blake 4 arrows| hit me with your best shot

Labor(-filled) Day [06 Sep 2004|04:18pm] [ mood | grumpy ] [ music | "She Wants to Move" ~ NERD ] Wow, Frances is gone (sort of). Never once did we lost power or water. God was definitely on our side. We never seem to really have anything bad happen to us whenever a hurricane strikes. I think Ivan's gonna give us more that just a yard full of tree debris (which needs to be picked up...). Cabin fever is definitely getting to me, but I'm gonna be able to get outta the house soon -- to go straight to work, yay. If it's LABOR Day, why is the movies still open? Shouldn't EVERYWHERE be closed since this is the holiday SOLELY dedicated to NOT WORKING?! I just don't understand.... Do they really think that many people are gonna go to the movies today anyway? Maybe they will since they need to get outta the house and since they don't have any electricity. I'll be PISSED if the movies is slam-packed (I doubt it though). Mom bought a puzzle to have something to do during the storm. It's 1000 pieces, and I already have almost all of it done (having worked on it on-and-off over the past 2 days). I wanted to have it done by the time the storm ended, but that didn't happen. I've eaten so much in the past couple days, I should be in total blimp-mode by now. I don't think I've cooked as much as I have these past couple days. I guess when there's nothing else to do, eating is the only way to pass the time. Speaking of passing time, I've wasted enough sitting here, so now I must get ready to go to work, on Labor Day.... XOXO Blake hit me with your best shot

Sitting on Pins Waiting for My Sky to Fall [04 Sep 2004|12:23pm] [ mood | restless ] [ music | "Like a Feather" ~ Nikka Costa ] Well, I figured I might as well try to get one last entry outta my system before Hurricane Frances wipes us all away. Naturally, I don't really have anything to say.... School being cancelled yesterday was pretty bogus. Not that I have any complaints about a 4-day weekend, but now we're gonna hafta make up that day for nothing. Of course this storm has to hit during Labor Day weekend, screwing everything up. It's going to be a "tropical storm" by the time it reaches where I live, and looking at the projected path, it's going to miss us, except for the ends of the storm, which will just give us some rain. The worst thing we can expect is some flooding, and we never have that living on a hill that drains into a lake. I hate all this hype for almost nothing. Granted that Charley did do some gooood damage, it barely rained here. I dunno, I guess the storm could turn or something at any time, so I shouldn't say that. Besides, if they downplay the storm and it winds up blowing everything away, everyone will feel crunchy. Of course my mom is going into a paranoid frenzy. I wish I could just chill her out sometimes, it's annoying. I'm kinda glad I don't hafta work. I'm not sure if the mall will be closed Monday or not, but I have my fingers crossed. (Chances are, they will.) I just wish there was some way we could get checks since we weren't able to work; I know on pay day I'll be wishing I had worked that time. My mom rented a buncha movies (so that we'd have something to watch once the satellite goes out), but we've already watched almost all of them. Thankfully no one's eaten all the food she's bought. I wanted to start the puzzle she got, but I knew I'd already have it completed by now, and I didn't wanna be stuck without something to do in the event that everything does go out. The other night we had our first football game of the year. They moved it to Thursday after the announcements of school being cancelled Friday. It was -dare I say- good. It started out with a bang when the opening kickoff was caught and took straight to the endzone by our team. The game eventually tied (which no one knew due to a non-working scoreboard), so Leesburg and Eustis went into overtime, which tied again, until Eustis blocked Leesburg's field kick, letting us win by that one missed point. It was actually good. Next week we hafta go all the way to Southport. I knew that name sounded familiar, but I couldn't quite figure out where I'd heard it before -- it's the town in I Know What You Did Last Summer. Kinda funny, but I don't even know where it is (in the state of Florida). Yeah, I really don't have anything to say.... I just hope that this hurricane blows over very calmly and easily, and that everyone's okay (except for the elite few whom I hate -- j/k). Here's to hoping everything will be fine.... XOXO Blake 2 arrows| hit me with your best shot

Though I Snuck In Like a Narc, I Knew I Had to Leave My Mark [30 Aug 2004|10:51pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | "Naked Eye" ~ Luscious Jackson ] Yo yo yo, I'm baaaaaacckk.... Yeah, work was easy tonight. I guess I wouldn't have expected a dead Monday night to really be bad. I had made a quick personal goal to be completely done and out the door by 9:00, but Sabrina started talking to me, and I rapidly began to slow down (see the word play?). I wound up leaving at like 9:20 (and that's only cuz I read everyone's little messages in the break room), so it wasn't that bad. Danielle Miles just started working there. It's funny having her be there. She's gonna see sides of me she probably had never imagined I had. Oh well, now she can see the real me. I saw Anacondas Friday night. I thought it was...actually good. I was surprised yet again, thinking something would be totally terrible when it really wasn't. There was a cute reference to the first movie that I thought was good. There were a couple good scares, and I even screamed once. I thought it was really good. Now I'm just waiting for Resident Evil: Apocalypse, The Grudge, Seed of Chucky, and the Saw movie, but that looks just a LITTLE BIT too scary for even me. Speaking of scary stuff, I got my weekly TV class project done. I did it all today in class. I'm SOOO glad that that's outta the way, and I got hafta try to have someone else help me out. Even if I ask for a little help, it winds up INCONVENIENCING whomever it is I call upon. I did it all myself. My project, my grade. Solo. Mmmm, my mom got me some cherry limeade sherbet. I love that stuff. I eat the whole quart tub in just one sitting. It tastes just like the drink from Sonic. Dang, now I want one of those too. Last night I bought a cord I need to connect my camera to my computer, so hopefully now I can use my editing program and do stuff here at my house. Now only there is a new problem: I'm sans recording device. I was unaware that Nicole swiped my camera from my house the other day. Everett keeps yelling at me to find it, but I swore Bryan did something with it. I really need that back. Someone could have told me she took it. *sigh* I thought I had a lotta stuff to say, but I really didn't (isn't that always how it is?). I need to get my baby ad for the yearbook tomorrow. I really hope I don't forget that. XOXO Blake 1 arrow| hit me with your best shot

Just Another Little Survey Thing [22 Aug 2004|10:56pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | "Open Arms" ~ Mariah Carey ] (Instructions: Choose a singer/band/musician and answer only in song titles or album titles by them.) Mariah Carey: 1. Are you male or female?: Boy (I Need You) 2. How old are you?: Always Be My Baby 3. Describe yourself: Rainbow/Open Arms 4. How do some people feel about you?: Heartbreaker 5. How do you feel about yourself?: Anytime You Need a Friend 6. Describe your ex: You're So Cold 7. Describe your views on significant others and crushes: Love Takes Time 8. Describe what you want: Dreamlover 9. Describe how you live: Underneath the Stars 10. Describe how you love: Sweetheart 11. Describe your friends: Sent From Up Above 12. Where will you be in 5 years?: Bliss 13. What are you most afraid of?: Vulnerability 14. Describe the world today: Breakdown 15. Share a few words of wisdom: Thank God I Found You* Neat, huh? XOXO Blake *to someone special 4 arrows| hit me with your best shot

Confessions of a Teenage Drama King [22 Aug 2004|08:26pm] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | "On the Way Down" ~ Ryan Cabrera ] Ughhhh...so far today's a LOTTA fun.... I woke up kinda sick, so I took some Benadryl, and I shoulda known better, because now I'm all sleepy and drifty, all jello-like. I've slept most of the day away, but now I'm all werid-feeling. Last night work was very interesting. Someone in box didn't ID this asshole I used to know, so when he came in to see a rated-R movie, I told Jabari to go mess w/him because I knew he wasn't 17 yet. Well, this snowballed into a very big deal, involving the general manager, Ms. Stebel, and even a cop. Anyways, after a lotta drama, that prick finally got let back in because Ms. Stebel "didn't feel like dealing with a jerk like him", as she said. He thinks he so much above everyone. I was kinda happy I showed him he can't always get his way, but in the end, he still did. Oh well, I bet he'll be nervous to pull a stunt like that again. I'll probably be the one to bust him that time. I feel better that I've caught up on my movies. I saw Alien Vs. Predator Thursday night with Amy and Hailey. It was actually good. I was surprised. I liked how they shot the scene where an alien is attacking Sanaa Lathan. I felt like I was there with her. It was really intense. I also saw Open Water Friday night after dinner at Osaka. It was really good too. I really liked the bleak, sad, non-typical ending. It was very grounded in reality, and I think it was what most of us would actually do in that given situation. I haven't gotten to see Exorcist: The Beginning yet, but I might tomorrow night. Yesterday I watched the original for the first time (I've never really seen it before, just bits and pieces on TV). It was okay, not as shocking as I thought it would be, but then again, I've known about all the major stuff, and since the movie is over 30 years old, of course it's not nearly as scary and surprising as it had been. I didn't really like how it ended, but it wasn't bad. I wanted to watch The Amityville Horror, but I really didn't feel like sitting through it. I forgot I have all these old "classic" movies that I haven't seen. The only "classics" I don't have in my sprawling collection are Alien and Black Christmas, everything else is covered. Oh, I also don't have Rosemary's Baby or The Omen, but I don't care to have either of those. Last night I introduced Kendra to Jabari since I had been trying to hook them up. I told him she wasn't this snobby heifer, but that's how she wound up acting to him. I felt bad, but I don't think he cared all that much. He's a cool guy. I took today with plans to visit Brandon, but since he did something there and got in trouble, they told my mom not to come today or next week, so now I'm just kinda sitting around. Oh well, it was kinda nice to have a day to just sleep and stuff, but I would've liked to see him. They told me that today was the family picnic, so I took it off instead of last Sunday, but that's when it really was. That kinda annoyed me cuz I really wanted to go to that. It's so weird him not being here. Bryan is starting to do stuff Brandon used to do, like constantly blast stupid rap music even when he's left the room (or even the house). That's so irritating. I couldn't sleep earlier today due to hearing some junk coming from the bathroom when Bryan was in the living room watching TV. I hate that he has no consideration for people. Yeah, Jason and I are fine. I can't really get mad at the Brian stuff because of Kyle, but it still bothers me. I almost don't believe it though. I have the urge to call Brian and ask him about it, but I don't know what I would do if he told me it did. I'm just trying my hardest to forget I even know anything about it. For some reason I just don't feel the same around him. I can't get that stuff outta the back of my mind.... My mom opened me a checking account the a few days ago at the little Insight Financial bank. I needed one to set up direct deposit at work. I'm all excited because I'll get a debit card, but it won't come in for another week. It also has to be in my mom's name (since I'm not 18 yet), but it's still gonna be mine, and once my birthday comes (which is kinda close, thankfully), I'll just have it transferred to my name. I'm still all happy. I just hope I don't accidentally spend more than I have. If I ever did do that, it would just take whatever the difference was outta my savings account, but I still don't wanna risk it. I hafta be very careful and keep track of my balance. Oh well, I guess I'll go now. All I've done is ramble about nothing, and my medicine is continuing to make my eyelids heavy. XOXO Blake hit me with your best shot

We'll All Float On [20 Aug 2004|07:01pm] [ mood | hungry ] [ music | "Float On" ~ Modest Mouse ] Yeah, some people floated on through the storm, but they're okay. Seems like everything is okay now, (bum bum bummmm) even Jason and I. Yeah, big shocker there, huh? Yes, all is well in the world. Well, not exactly. I found out he kinda messed around with this dude Brian I know through several people and is sorta a half-friend of mine. That REALLY bothered me. If it were someone I didn't like, okay, so I hate the person, but someone that I talk to occassionally, that really gets to me. I've never met Brian in person, and I always wanted to, but now I'm not sure I wanna see his face (I'll have the impulse to punch it). I'm just so mad at that whole situation because it was so stupid. I also feel that it was done solely in spite of me, but I can halfway cope with that one. Well now Nicole's coming to take me to dinner and a movie, so I must depart. XOXO Blake hit me with your best shot

How To Make a Me [16 Aug 2004|07:01am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | "I Don't Wanna Be" ~ Gavin DeGraw ] How to make a mixednutz Ingredients: 5 parts mercy 3 parts ambition 3 parts instinct Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little lovability if desired! Username: Personality cocktail From Go-Quiz.com Must edit video after school today. Can't forget.... XOXO Blake hit me with your best shot

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Kyle [15 Aug 2004|03:10pm] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | "Chocolate Milk and Cigarettes" ~ Rupert Wainwright ] Well, yesterday was the last day I'll have for probably ever to see Kyle. After going shopping with my mom, and accidentally leaving my phone at my house, I met Kyle at Outback for a birthday/going-away last dinner. Since the wait wound up being close to an hour and a half, we just cruised around in his new PT Cruiser, bonding and revealing secrets either one of us ever knew about the other. He was telling me how he wishes he and I could switch lives, something I also secretly wish too. He wishes his mother was like mine, understanding and accepting. It wasn't always like that though, but now we everything is good between us. Anyways, he also told me how he envies me for my bold approach to the world. I don't ever let anything really get to me. People can say anything to me and call me names all they want, but I just hold my head up high and keep stepping. He said he wishes he had the bravery I have to be so open and confident. I thought that was kinda strange since I don't view myself as too much of a confident person. I told him that I wish I could be him. Not only is he really good-looking, he's a major who's-who at his school, not to mention in the Talented 20 and Class President (has been every year of high school). I don't really care too much about popularity, but there's always that feeling deep inside that wishes everyone would love me. I do envy him. He has the life I want. His life isn't on full display (as oxymoronic as that sounds). There are things about him that people don't know, don't even assume. I wish I had an identity like that. He can be...just normal. I wish I could. It's so weird when he talks to me because I know he's someone totally different from what his other friends see. He tells me he opens up to me. I'm not really sure if that's the truth of if he just tells me things he can't tell anyone else (which isn't really "opening up", more like telling someone a secret that he knows won't tell anyone else -- is that opening up?). I dunno, but it makes me feel weird. I always wonder how he talks about me to his other people. Am I someone he talks very positive about? Do his friends wanna meet me? Does he talk really bad about me and make fun of me? There's so much about him that I'll never know. He always tells me about all of his little sexcapades. It bothers me because I feel like he lies about them most of the time, but how can I prove him wrong? I went through his phone book (on his Nextel), and a lotta names he's talked about surely were in there. Could he possibly not be lying to me? That's almost worse, thinking that all the stuff he claims to have done might have really happened. That would make him a whore. I dunno what my attraction to him is knowing he's like that. Maybe I want the super-promiscuous person to take me away and show me tricks I could never imagine. That's totally disgusting though. Who wants a used car that's had dozens and dozens of drivers? Why is it okay for ME to not have to be completely pure, but lord forbid someone I'm with be non-virginal. Thinking of them being with others gives me this weird feeling that isn't quite anger, but it makes me incredibly mad. It's a funky feeling that's really hard to explain. Maybe it's anger mixed with jealousy, I dunno. Well I need to go to work soon, and I can tell I'm about to run late from sitting here too long. Who knows, maybe someone will sweep me off my feet tonight.... j/k. XOXO Blake 1 arrow| hit me with your best shot

I Wish That I Could Weather Any Storm [13 Aug 2004|11:27am] [ mood | worried ] [ music | "Lately" ~ Divine ] Geez, I didn't even take the time to notice today was Friday the 13th. It's even sans-Jason. I guess that's a good thing. Tomorrow's Sara's birthday, as well as Kyle's 18th. I was planning on doing something with Kyle today, maybe seeing an early Alien vs. Predator, but with Hurricane Charley brewing, I dunno if those plans will fall through. Everyone is freaking out, but the "predicted path" has just the outskirts of the storm passing over us. I don't think it will be that bad. It's only a Category 2 storm anyway. And why have we not seen a Hurricane BLAKE yet?! Blake is a fairly unisex name, so it's not like it could only be boy or a girl. So yeah, Jason and I are still not speaking. It'll be kinda sad if one of us dies amidst the storm. Oh well, he wanted to be a big stubborn baby, so that's his fault. Gawd, the whole thing was just miscommunication. If Nicole hadn't been in the middle of it (which she shouldn't have been), I think it mighta been okay. But them two talk more than any of us, so I guess they were the ones that pretty much did it. I can hear the whole conversation in my head, and I can imagine who said what. Jason shouldn't always come to her asking what I said, and she should tell him to ask me himself, instead of relaying a message. Nicole also always talks bad about him, which kinda isn't fair, cuz she shouldn't do stuff with him as much, and he's never said anything bad about her. And if he and I "are just alike", everything that annoys her about him, probably annoys her about me too. This stuff is exactly why I did not want them to become friends. I KNEW something would end up started that wasn't ever anything in the first place. I knew that once each of them started telling each other what I say, something would wind up being misinterpreted. And it's not like this is the first time something like this has happened. Why is weather so stupid?! It's like, live near water, experience hurricanes. Live in a landlocked area, experience tornados and heatwaves. Live near mountains, experience volcanoes and earthquakes. The world is fun. Are people like natural disastes? Do we have people that are tornados, rampaging through anything in sight? What about people like volcanoes, who just explode after dealing with tons of crap? Are there people like lightning who just strike anything it can? Maybe the lightning people are the ones who we feel a natural attraction to (magnetic people), that just spellbind us when we see them. Thunder people are the ones who are all talk and no action. Why does weather hafta relate the most to anger emotions? I guess I'd be a volcano person, blowing up after taking an enormous amount of stress. People always act like I'm this big monster that goes on a spree, totally chewing out anyone in my warpath. That's not true. I keep WAAYYYY more in than I expel. It really takes a LOT for me to finally blow my top. Would earthquake people be different from this? Do they just kinda split when things get hectic? Since weather is "angry", is Charley gonna show us all of his rage? Where's a certain X-Man (or more accurately, X-Woman) when we need her? Couldn't she just zap out the hurricane like it's nothing? I dunno, maybe I'm not being as worried as I should be. What if my house is one of the houses that the destruction hits the most? I dunno.... If everything is closed for the day, why is McDonald's still open? XOXO Blake 5 arrows| hit me with your best shot

I Say What I Mean, But I Don't Mean What I Say... [10 Aug 2004|09:10pm] [ mood | nervous ] [ music | "Well, Well" ~ Nelly Furtado ] Wait, yeah I do. Okay, so yesterday in TV class, people were bad, so we hate to write letters of apology for Mr. Klatte as exit passes to leave the room at the end of the day. Since it seemed that everyone was writing something cynical and/or stupid, I decided to give satire a shot. Boy did I totally miss the target. I thought that by skewering a couple people in the classroom in my letter to Mr. Klatte would be funny to him. Yet again, I made a terrible mistake. This one girl, Samantha Lewis, that is like a level 5 person in the TV class, just totally bothers me. She always wears these hoe-ish clothes, and she's ugly, but swears she's cute. Anyways, she's forever a teacher's pet, and I figured he gets annoyed by her from time to time. Yesterday she had on a super-short miniskirt, all her cottage cheese-esque thighs on full display. I wrote about that in my apology letter; something like, "Samantha Lewis wearing her dress-code violating miniskirt has also caused me to chatter, with her thunder thighs all over the place. I also apologize for having to see that...". I also took a stab at another guy, Matt Draper, who always pulls out his laptop and takes notes on it like a crazy psycho-scientist. On him I wrote, "And did Matt Draper even write a letter, or did he just type one out on his mini-laboratory of a laptop?". Mr. Klatte was NOT happy about any of that AT ALL. Today when he was talking about the letters, he said, "One letter in particular thought it was funny to criticize people in the class. This person was not funny, and it's being considered to give this person a referral if they do not make amends with those talked about, and it is in written proof, signed by them". So yeah, I might be a lotta trouble for pulling that one. I don't care. I'm not apologizing to either one of them. THEY shoulda got the referrals, not I. Samantha shoulda got one for her dress code violation, and Matt for using an electronic device in class that isn't a calculator. I dread seeing what happens in class tomorrow. Well, Jason all of a sudden has this notion in his head that I said "we're on a break." Never have I EVER used this term, and it's not the current state of affairs. Or maybe now it is. He keeps being all like, "I'm tired of you/your shit!" just outta nowhere. I'm tired of HIS shit, his drama-queen ass. I can't take it anymore. I even tried to tell him what was really going on, but he blew up on me, screaming, "I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE!!" before hanging up on me. That was nice. He needs a fuckin time out, since we're in elementary school again. I just had to go off on him and Amanda. They thought it was funny to invite me to go to Orlando with them to get Amanda's new tattoo done, knowing good and well that I can't go. Fuck him, and fuck her. I'm tired of all these stupid little games. I'm not a little kid, and I don't wanna act like one. They can BOTH kiss my ass, cuz I'm through with them. I can't take all this craziness. It's all too much and too STUPID. I'm tired of stupid people overreacting to dumb shit for no reason and making stuff WAAAYY much more than it really is. I'M FUCKIN TIRED OF IT!!!!! >:O XOXO Blake 4 arrows| hit me with your best shot

Quotables [09 Aug 2004|08:53pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | "Let's Get it Started" ~ Black Eyed Peas ] I just thought I'd take a little time and jot down some of the great phrases and quips my crew and I have uttered over the past years. Some funny stuff was said today, so I think I'll begin. "More cottage cheese than...a grocery store!" ~ Nicole "My butt-pin" ~ Nicole "Emmmm TEEE VEEEE..." ~ me "Who's MILDRED?!" ~ me "It was the SECRET SHOPPER with her outta-style Aeropostale purse" ~ Sara "The cute shirt" ~ Nicole "DETERMINATION!!!!" ~ Nicole "2 times 4, what is that, 24?" ~ Ms. Saenz "And I got high. And I got high. And I got high...What were they doing?" ~ Nicole's mum "Naw dude, it's peaches and gravy" ~ Travis "Is there a Reggie's in EVERY MALL?!" ~ Felicia "Tar-Ann-Toola? (Tarantula)" ~ mom "Read-A-Booty" ~ Alyssa "You guys are on DRUGS!!!!" ~ April "I'm going to Tampa University" ~ Kaitlin "All dat wob-i-dee" ~ Jewel "With your grecey hair" ~ Jason "I loaf on a piece of bread" ~ Filia "Go to grammer school" ~ David "You're Rogue, he's Iceman, which X-person do I get to be?" ~ me "I'm so excited! I need a Twinkie to calm down!" ~ Lea "I have a great surprice for you today" ~ me "How much is this $5 shirt?" ~ me "With her elephant butt" ~ Rae Ann Aww, I was on a roll, then my mind went blank. Oh well, if I can think of more, I'll just update this entry. Sweet dreams. XOXO Blake 2 arrows| hit me with your best shot

Deja-Vu Rendevous [08 Aug 2004|08:26pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] [ music | "Knock On Wood" ~ Amii Stewart ] Hello. Well, school wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but at the same time, it's a little bit rougher than I expected. I forgot how stressful TV class is, and since I'm TV 3, I hafta make a project every week. I don't have a clue what to do for this week. All of Mr. Klatte's ass-kissers are in there, so I'm just another face in the class. I hate having to try to outdo those people who are always better than me just by default. UGH! Anyways, strangest thing -- one of my best friends from when I was in sixth grade stopped by my house Friday night. Of course I was at work, but I got off at 7, and Bryan called me and told me Brad stopped by. He told Bryan to tell me he was going to the street party downtown and to head out there later. Nicole, Jason, and I stalked the whole event trynna track him down, but we weren't successful. He called me just as we were giving up and told me he was at the mall. We went back and met him there. We had dinner at Chili's after that. It was neat, but he seemed like he had to impress us the whole time. He was incredibly arrogant. I felt really stupid knowing that he was so excited to see old best bud, and I was a major disappointment. I told him about Jason and stuff (since Jason was there). He seemed fine and said it was cool, but I could tell he felt funny. It was really awkward. While we were eating at Chili's, me & Nicole's new band director, Mr. Donato was seated right beside us. That amped the level of weirdity by like 5 notches. Earlier that morning he was all in me & Nicole's sex conversation, so I felt stupid with him seeing Jason with me; like he was putting the pieces to the puzzle together. After I came home from work yesterday (I only worked 11:30 - 3, yess!), I went to sleep for a few hours, then decided to make it a Blockbuster night. Of course whenever I go there, it's a challenge to find something to watch that I haven't seen or know won't be stupid. I rented Starsky & Hutch for my mom, Love Object, The Yards (Joaquin Phoenix doesn't just have a beautiful name but IS beautiful), and Body Shots. I'm about 1/3 through Body Shots. I had to stop it and take a shower. I just couldn't...concentrate anymore. It's good so far, kinda perverted. It's like an anti-American Pie. I'm on this total obsession with Andy Dick's The Assistant and Franz Ferdinand. I can't get enough of either one of them. My mom has also got me all into Big Brother again. I tried hard to sway from it, but now it's pulled me in. It's cool this season (5) because there is a set of identical twins that kept swapping places. Now they both get to be in the game together since they lasted for longer than 5 weeks. That was a neat twist. It's amazing the concepts people keep coming up with. Work is okay, no big drama (for now). Manager Lauren left. It was sad because she was the one that hired me. She's gone to take classes at FSU. It'd be weird if I see her there in the next couple years. Work.... It seems like everyone can benefit from all of my jobs, but I can never really benefit from anyone else's. Jason wants to take me to Universal, but I'd feel bad using one of his comp tickets since he only gets 3 every three months. I'd rather him use them on someone who'll have a better time that me. As much as it'll kill me to get an annual pass, I think I may have to. Then we could just dip in anytime we wanted. I dunno, it's just not fair how everyone gets to use me all the time. But they all think they don't even need me. It makes me mad how my friends can just bounce up in the movies, and I don't even hafta be there. They just all walk right in like they're VIPs or something. I dunno, it just irritates me. Amanda's birthday is tomorrow. I need to get her a gift. Thanks to an insane craving for eggrolls, I know just don't have enought money to buy what I wanna get her. Brandon's birthday is next Thursday. The Sunday following it (the 22nd), we're going to the family picnic thing at him complex to celebrate his 16th birthday. He's all excited. It's really sad that he has to spend his birthday there. I guess it's not too bad; it's not like it's jail or anything. Besides, he gets to see almost EVERY movie, whether it be in theatres or not. I kinda miss Jason. It's weird, cuz we hardly ever see each other anymore. He's become Nicole's friend more than mine since they do more together than he and I. I would like for us to do something just the two of us, but it seems I never have time anymore. Whenever I'm off, he's working and vice-versa. It's just kinda bothering me cuz we're not that close anymore. I dunno. So if you need me.... You know I'm here, waiting for you. I'm just a crosshair.... I'm just a shot away from you.... XOXO Blake 2 arrows| hit me with your best shot

Big Day Eve [04 Aug 2004|11:51pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | "Tainted Love" ~ Marilyn Manson ] *sigh* Tomorrow's the big day. Yay.... I am semi-excited, but dreading the first day. I'm just excited enough to not be able to sleep. That's fun. So yeah, now I'm up, and Insomnia's got me by the jewels. I'm going insane trynna sleep. We don't have any sinus medicine, or else I'd use that to knock me out. I finally got to see Brandon today. When we first got to the complex, we went inside the little meeting room for the group discussion they do every Wednesday. Anyways, the teacher-lady who does it, tells my mom, "Are you new today? Have you been given a copy of the rules? That boy {points in my face} cannot be here." So then my mom and grandma argue with the lady for a while before sending me to retreat to the car until further notice. That was fun sitting there for an hour. Finally after the lady left, another guy (from the staff) told my mom I could come inside to see Brandon. I wanted to cry so bad from just looking at him, but I had to keep it in. Well mom's yelling at me to go to bed (as if it's gonna happen soon). I'll finish tomorrow along with the story of the last first day. XOXO Blake 2 arrows| hit me with your best shot

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