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[29 May 2003|10:18pm]
[ mood | Suicidal and Kill. ]

Because noone reads here anyway, I am going to go all out on my thoughts right now. And if you don't like free speech... get out now.

Over the past few days, I have found myself disappointed and very angry. Maybe i might be a little spiteful over the fact that i lost ever election i have participated in, but thats not all. Maybe my father decided to start using me as his punching bag again, no. Sickness? nah. Weight. yes. Never in my life have i felt so fat. Now that my mom stopped sugar coating my situation and just said "you know if you gain another pound you will die of a heart attack. Jeez, you're about the size of a beached whale. Why don't you exercize?" pfft. Like that is really going to make me go exercize. Maybe I will try aneroxia again. I failed last time because my obese instincts kicked back in. I dont need food my body can feed off of itself for at least two, three weeks. I mean, cmon... why? Why did i have to be born in a hereditary of obesity. My mom complains that if i say im ugly that she must be because she looks like me. Bullshit.

I hate the way I look. No matter what I do, I cant stand that person in the mirror. How many times have I punched my mirrors? I have at least 100 years of bad luck, me and my cursed ways. I want to cut myself open and remove my stomach, cut it and resow it to the size of a ring box, and carefully place it back. then binge and watch my stomach burst, i get a wonderous hemorage and die. Thats my key goal right now. Dont care what you say or think. No this isnt a cry for help or another "Oh woe is me. I am so emo/goth. Why do i feels this way?" shit. This is I dont care if you say my life is not hard or what but I still want to slit my throat and watch it bleed. I know my life is not nearly as hard as other peoples, but I dont care. I still want to die. Don't say I have so much going for me because I dont see it. What do I have going? My sanity... possibly. No, i do not feel pretty... inside or out. Dont baffle me with the "Oh but you're so nice!" nice???? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN ANYMORE?? When describing someone, you cannot use nice... Everybody does. Everybody is nice, if they choose to be. No. Where is my overabundance of compassion and niceness? I probably ate it like the lardass I am.

if i stop eating, I will loose at least fourty pounds. I must. I should just loose weight to make everyone happy. The last thing i need is for my dad breathing down my neck and remembering when i was seven telling me that noone will ever want to marry me because I would look like shamu in my wedding dress. maybe if i gut myself and resow the remains back together people would be happier. if you think that weight isnt everything in american society... you were sorely mistaken. I swear to fucking god you are. open your eyes. Look at media. Don't tell me Im wrong. Its my opinion. An opinion cannot be wrong.

If i stab myself again in the stomach, the pain of my heart will go away. I am the mostblubbery, cholesterol-filled, fat, greasy, lardaceous, lardy, oily, oleaginous, rich, suety, unctuous moron I know. Yea, Im repeating myself. But I dont care. I keep repeating it because It wont go away. Now I am going to get lectures on how I should exercise and get out and eat healty and shit. Fuck you. Do not ever. I know what is a healthy way to loose weight... but I also know what works. Who cares if aneroxia or bulimia can give you sudden heart attacks. Whatever, at least I will be thin. Yes, it might be sickening, but being thin is priority number on for me. Maybe I should just injecting heroin. Junkies are pretty damn thin. No, I should take diet pills. All I can get my hands on. Who cares when my mom says no. I dont think its fair. Its my body, I can do what I want with it. If i want to keel over and die, let me. Go ahead, complain about how selfish I am to think of suicide. Think I care? Think I dont know? im not that stupid. If there were guns in my house, I would have died many moons ago.

Am I crying out for help? Kind of. I want someone to take me out... yea, Kill me. I need it. I need to be taken out like Saddam Hussein... if hes not already dead because i stopped watching the news after my germany trip was cancelled.

I cant tell my mom how i feel. She will stick me in a hospital until i feel this no more. Its "whats best for people like me" which is shit because My mom is the same way. Epitapth. Razors. Pills. She's worse than I am. It makes me sick how hyprocritical I she can be.

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