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[04 Aug 2008|03:14pm] |
Life. Stupid.
My day has been a busy day for thought. I must confess, I have not had this variety of subject matters at hand in such a while that I am stunned into reality. My life. I say that with a little resentment and a little charm. I ride the sine wave; my life, graphed out with such synchronized rise and falls of fortune that it must be more than mere coincidence. The undercurrent of emotional tides sweep me under and away from the surface. It's got me so distorted I can't determine whether this violent trashing is moving me in the direction I want. Still, there's no way to guarantee the path I chose will lead me safely home, out of harms way. The trouble is, I can hardly tell which dimension I'm even in. Why am I in this ridiculous game with out capacity nor logic? Possibly, if I were aware of the prize I might play the fool's charade. Yet I do not know! I know nothing of the sport and the exhaustion of keeping up has got my wits haggard.
I want to retreat. To shroud myself in the white flag, so that they may understand at once when laid eyes upon, I have given up. My defense wilts with the pressure of raised arms and I fall on both knees. Leave me be! I have surrendered to a mightier force. I know somewhere I can not contend with a force not reckoned with. My pride is a bittersweet lump I fail to swallow; I gag as it goes down, tears pooling on my lashes. Will hinders my concession ability limits my offense. So, I am a helpless fool without denial.
What do I do? Bring down pain upon myself to purge myself of my woe? That's how it's typically been done and more often than not, the temporary remedy. I am ready to go.
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| Cock a doodle Dick |
[20 Jul 2008|12:45pm] |
I would think exhaustion take hold this morning after last night. Yesterday was a big mess. Lack of comfortable sleep left me completely useless the next day. I could not function, so I spent much of the morning doing the bare minimal to come home to sleep it off. Slept through countless messages until Betsy woke me up. That was about 3-4ish. Started smoking weed. Did some packing. Smoked at least 10 blunts yesterday, total. The 4th street fair sucked monster balls. Fo real. Went to Chris's party after. Rolled up with Faith, Betsy, and Cherita. Just so happened to be greeted by James and his brothers. That was a surprise I was half expecting. Smoked a blunt with his brother. Bet he didn't like that very much. We had a pretty intense session later in the night. Makes me hot thinking about it. I love quality boners. =) haha.
The fair was a pretty lame event. At least it served it's purpose. Dance around to the music and share some spirits with friends. I wish the festival was bigger. Well, We'll just have to hold out until Dally in the Ally comes around. Now, that is the shit. I'm going to be off my ass at that one. So, I saw Chris yesterday chasing the tail of a pretty lady. He is such a dog, and to try to tell me otherwise! The nerve. Really, I can't be mad. We have no committed relations with each other. We are friends who flirt with each other often and occasional have sex - although he's got a girlfriend. He's fooled me once, shame on him. The second time had nothing to do with foolin', but all the same, shame on me. It's alright. Really. I hold no hostility towards Chris. It has been proven to me he is absolute a witch! He had me so bewitched, so that it felt like a shot to the heart. No use in getting myself worked up, because I still like him for who he is. A friend with a big cock.
This whole entree seems to be a bout the wang I associate myself with. maybe if I get all my things done, I can go to the movies with mikale. He sent me a message yesterday I still have to respond to. I actually am at work and need to freeze some tissue and do some dishes. But...I think I just might peace the fuck out. But then what? I'm just getting lazy and i can feel it all settling in. Gotta call Betsy, and give her ounce back.
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[17 Jul 2008|12:54pm] |
sitting in the cafe at Scott Hall. I feel left out, I don't fit in. Thats okay, i've never fit in so whatev. There's a table of Chinese, White, and middle eastern. Can't place where but judging by the scarves, I'm goin to say the middle east. (I don't have to be politically correct) Anyways, I'm trying to read Dr. Pan's article: Ectopic Expression of a microbial type rhodopsin restores visual responses in mice with photoreceptor degeneration. Pretty sweet. Published in '06. That was my first year at college, i was dating ybarra. I don't think I met John yet. I think he was more so the fall of '06. Wait...no, I think I was already with Easton. Whatever, whos counting.
So I'm trying to decide whats goin on with James and I. So, i've got him. We've been sleeping together weekly. As far as being my boyfriend goes, I don't know how well that will work out. We have some differences to resolve. We get along great, in the sac, but where else? no where. Maybe this is why Melissa doesn't understand why I fall for meat heads. I have enough friends to keep me occupied, so I just need a guy to be physical with. except that I dont really NEED it necessarily. I'd like somebody who can be both, I don't think I can find that in james, hard as I try. I can't decide if i want to throw the towel in...again, or just to go all out. maybe before i do that, again, i should talk to him. OR maybe I could finish this article and say fuck it all, lets spend some money!
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| the life and loves of mine |
[08 Jul 2008|02:31pm] |
Work day. I have been not doing much of anything. I've been in this lazy phhhffff mood. I think it's because I worked at 8 days solid. I exhaust myself. I just couldn't get this stain right and it makes me really mad. Dr. Peduzzi didn't seem pleased last week so I felt I needed to put in more lab time. The last stain I did she was okay with. So...what can you do except take a monday off to see all your best girlfriends?
Yesterday I hung out all day with friends. It was nice. I saw Melissa we drank beer and went swimming. Michelle's got a diving board so I was diving a lot. Swimming wears me out so quickly. She went out to dinner with friends from school so I went over to Tiff's. Mike was over there - slight awkwardness. We just don't really speak to each other. I don't make eye contact with him. He perked up when I mentioned Jesse and Nick. They knew each other - Mike was a big loser I hear.
So camping this weekend. !! yay! There are goin to be so many of us there. I gotta call Ricky and see if he's riding with us or Chaz. Chaz is my last resort, but ... whatever. So this weekend is goin to be great. I will have my family and my friends. Maybe my rats, I need to find a babysitter for my rats or else they have to come with me. I want them to come with me, but can I take care of them? I'll have to talk to them tonight and see what they want to do. hehe.
The last thing on my mind before I start plowing through the scientific jargon is a certain Mr. James Gale. He has been a reoccurring thought these last few days. Thats a lie, more like these last few months. I wanted him the other night, so badly. His body feels so good. I like kissing him. I like my meathead. =) I think he likes me just the same. I liked it when he gave my ass a slap. I just like him, period. I'm over the craziness of him and now he's just a smile lying dormant in my mind. He conjures up some sense of peace when I think about him. It's not the fluttering I felt for Ybarra but they do feel similar. James just makes me feel so good when I think about him. James is the cherry atop this perfect life of mine.
I hung out with Cassie this week. before I saw James on Sunday. We had a good conversation about envy. She is so jealous when she sees Josh and Grace at work. I can honestly say I have no hostile feelings when I see his ex girl. The only think I think is "hah, I fucked him" Hopefully I can make that thought "I'm fucking him." It would have if it where not for Aunt Flo. That bitch. Sex sex sex with James, yum. Hehe, I am so silly when I'm infatuated. The reason I have no reservations is that I know I trump her in many positions.
Anyways, I just killed my rat. I'm sad, we'll try again tomorrow. I'm going to start a blog just for my lab days.
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[04 Jul 2008|04:34pm] |
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I am so stupid, sometimes I don't even know.
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| lab complaints |
[04 Jul 2008|10:19am] |
So. OM-A1 is not doing well. There is this crazy swelling on the incision line, it's turning blue. Dammit! We cannot motherfucking keep anything alive and it's making me mad. That says something about our compentence. I refuse to not be competent. The last rat we did looks fine, but if anything develops, I will fucking blow it's brains out. I just don't like the way she does things. I miss Arrua, she did things right. Tatum is always saying things like "it's okay" - when it's not. We do things a certain way because thats the way things work. When you decided to lolligag is when problems arise. Especially in a laboratory. Boo! And there is no paraformaldehyde so I mother fucking have to make more so I can kill this stupid animal. I was looking forward to doing it, but god dammit. One job is never one job. It's always 3 compounded jobs. This is weak. Nick was spost to pick me up from work a while ago. I didn't anticipate all this bullshit.
In other news, also laboratory related, James and I have kicked it up a notch. I like him. I hope he's worth my time and effort. The confusion lies in where I should hold my loyalties. He has not really cemented his worth yet, so it goes without saying, I'm still on the prowl. Shame on me for learning how to juggle. Still, although I am a man-eater I am nothing close to Betsy, the manivor. In all honesty, I do like James and I hope something will evolve from our trespassing. If not, I have to admit I will be hurt. I will be sorely disappointed and left wondering why I did not qualify. So, life goes both ways and I just have to learn how to swollow my own medicine. Even if things don't work out in our romantic lives, by no means will it ever transfer to our professional ones. I won't let that happen and I am far too good of an actress to allow that.
I'm kinda hung over. Drank way to much way to fast last night. Had to sleep some of it off in Rob's car before goin to see Jesse & Nick's band play. I had fun hustling people and selling CDs for them. At the end of the night, the owner of the bar personally thanked me for being there and complimented me on the way I moved. I love dancing and can move to any groove. I got up on stage and was dancing while they where playing. Last night I decided that I wanted to be noticed. And noticed I was. I was kind of passing out drunk, but I think Nick made a pass on me. He kissed my neck and I think I said something like "No thank you". I can't recall the specifics being drunk as a skunk and all, but I do remember his disappointment. Hehehe. I eat hearts while their still beating. Rowr!
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[22 May 2008|08:26pm] |
Sometimes I never know what it is my mind is trying to do. I do not know whether it is in my benefit to pay attention to my mental meanderings. I'm not bi-polar, but between listening to my head, my heart, and my gut, I would rather not listen any longer. I'm in love, but I'm not. Can that be explained in simpler terms? Well, My head will try and if that so fails, I will allow the rest of my anatomy to explain them selves.
In the simplest terms my head think I don't deserve anything pure and/or genuine. In the furthest chambers of my wrenched heart, I know I am a caring soul who wants only to cater those who deserve my love. My gut tells me to push aside all those tender and meaningless emotions. To just to do as the carnal desires dictate, all else aside. Ballots cast, who wins out? Can you just imagine the pictures I paint of reality when I am juggling three separate devils? It's mess of color and space, it's drawing straws.
In conclusion, hark back to our forefathers shortcomings
and our own, as you lay the ground work for a new tomorrow.
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| Waiting for the wind |
[18 May 2008|11:08am] |
Location: Scott Hall, 8th floor. Dr. Peduzzi's office.
Waiting around for Nick to come pick me up. I have a busy day a head of me. I have 2 chapters worth of homework to pile through and house clean up. So I guess when I lay it out like that, that isn't much to do around the house. But believe me, it's almost noon (I'm rounding up) and the way I go about things, those two...and dishes...3 task will take me all day.
The place I'm at, not physically but emotionally, I think I'm okay. I absolutly have lost my libdo for the time being. That to me is just fine right now. I have no desire to be with anyone. No past or current flames, no squeezes. Nada. I am just sitting around, unsure of what exactly I feel, but sure that this can't be it.
I had a heart to heart with Bell yesterday. I love my APhiO brothers. We rock it. I think I just made Zeta Pi history. =)
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[01 May 2008|10:35am] |
Quick update/outline for my viewers.
1) I got the Honors undergraduate research grant.
2) I had my Clinical Laboratory Science interview yesterday - I rocked it.
3) My sister got accepted into Michigan State University.
4) I'm done with finals!!!
5) I failed a class -_-
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| Wee, Woo, Wump |
[08 Apr 2008|10:31pm] |
Come on, come on, come on, come on, and TOUCH me babe! Thats what I want to playfully say to this one man. He teaches a class that I go to. I have a slight attraction to him. He's just fun to hang out with since he's so active. Maybe I'm just in love with frisbee. I worked out for an hour today with him then invited him to play with me. We met outside the RFC and he immediately ask me for my age and major. I am surprised to find that he is 33. I guessed for late 20's. So we go to his place and smoke 3 joints and find a place by Old Mail to toss around the disk. Before we start he makes the rules. Rule is: drop the frisbee and do 2 push ups. We had a good flow going, where we would do quick catch and throw draws. He kept complimenting me, telling me I'm a "thing of beauty". I want to say he was coming on to me at the same time keeping it professional. He was paying me compliments left and right. Naturally I had to tell him to shut up. Told him I don't take compliments and sometimes even have to reject them. Call it humble? Although I found myself craving a compliment later, only to have granted moments later. He tells me I am very athletic. Also said that from his view, I was quite a thing to see in action. I think I impressed him with my agility and reflexes. Stamina? Not yet, but he did offer to personally train us when the semester was over. That time between semesters.
...So, I don't know. I AM attracted to him, but I don't think a relationship would really work out - since 1) I don't know him very well and 2) he's old. Age I can get over, but not unless we are an awesome pair. Maybe I just do secretly like all the compliments I get, but I feel like I can't take all of them. Not when they come at me like a flash flood. A few things he said made me think that he liked me more than the average bear. He said it's things like this that you remember on your death bed. Playing frisbee in detroit with Tiffany. Isn't that such a cute thing to say? Jeeze. Am I a sucker or what?
I suppose, he is a better prospect than Mikaile. Oh me, Oh mi, I just need a monogamous uncommitted relationship.
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[07 Apr 2008|12:24am] |
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I'm worried. My view on the future is not so strong anymore. I didn't get the research grant I so dearly wanted. I do and don't feel horrible about it. I mean, over a hundred people applied for it and they only had 10 to give out. I wanted it so badly, I think I came to depend on it. I mean, I told Katrina I wouldn't freak out, that I still am waiting on the Honors grant I applied for. Now I fear I will not get that one either. Maybe I'm being irrational, but now I fear I won't get into the CLS program. If I don't get that then my life is totally fucked. I made plans for it to happen this way and if it doesn't I'm set way back. I won't know what to do with myself. For an entire YEAR! then I'll have to go through the entire application process OVER again! maybe I'll just join the peace core.
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[06 Mar 2008|09:12pm] |
So here I am, this point in my life. If I stood back, possibly as far as I can reflect, what point in space am I actually standing in. Today just seems like one of those days for retrospection. Actually, this moment is more like it. I wonder, have I accomplished as much as I've boasted about. Possibly, what this all really is, is a poor attempt at masking the emotions I have surrounding my lost item.
Losing things is not something I deal with very well. Possibly, just the ideal of lost. I can't appreciate it, so it makes it kind of difficult to cope with. Oi, I lost my one card! I need that to get into work. Really, what this thing boils down to is that I can't work without it. I need to work. Especially at this pivotal point. It seems as if my entire life is resting on the events that are soon to follow '08. I wish somebody would have read my fortune, told me what kind of things to follow. What are the omens for this coming year.
Suddenly, the anxiety is the globe and I, no other than Atlas. I forget to breath and sometimes I just continuing barreling down this void. Sometimes I want to scream, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!". Honestly, what am I doing. Am I making a mess of this life? I am so self destructive and I feel addicted to it. It must be some kind of addiction for I can't stop it. It is a juggernaut in this life of mine. My mess of a missing life. Woe, woe, WOE. Where is my onecard! I need the fucker and I can't talk myself out of it. I really can't. Life depends on it. I've looked everywhere in this place.
Okay, logic... It's time to make an entrance. I haven't seen it since last night. I did nothing except go to work yesterday. It must be there! It can't be anywhere else, honestly. It's either at work or at my place. I've looked and I'm going to do it again, once over, then it's searching at work. I can't get anything done unless I find it!
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| Snow Day |
[05 Mar 2008|06:12pm] |
Dragged myself to work. I got a lot of work done. I also saw James there. When I'm at work, the policy is to put myself into work mode. I have a one track mind and that is to complete as as much quality work as possible. When I'm there, I don't dress to impress and I don't fraternize. I will do both those things once I am out of the work environment and back into my own niche. I think it's this kind of behavior that make my bosses appreciate me. It's something I learned from dear 'ol dad. James said "You need a hobby [...] aside from drugs." I told him I was making hemp jewelry for the om charms I got from Reluca. He said he's not surprised. I wonder what he thinks of me - or who he thinks I am. I had him pegged all wrong, I pretty much made him out to be a chaw. He's not so chaw like, but he's got the tendencies. I believe I can see through them, so ultimately I like him.
I am really liking the way I conduct myself at work. I come in and I bust through so much shit, I get things done. The prof. likes this about me, I know, and I will not disappoint her. I was going to do more work, but realized that I had already spent 7 hours in the lab. Time flies, really. I wonder if this helps or hurts the relations between him and I.
It's been a relatively good day today. I got a free lunch at the Midtown cafe b/c the boss wants a piece of me. I'm nice and friendly, but I think he knows that there's a fat chance between him and I. He's an older man and I believe he's married. I said I'd go to the bar with him this weekend, so hopefully Jesse or Step will be there.
Anyways, shit aside, I have to shower and study. I also had a few things I needed to do on the internet that I couldn't remember. Since tattoo's and porn are all thats on my mind right now.
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| Dream land |
[29 Feb 2008|08:08pm] |
I've had two dreams in the last two nights that have confused and intrigued me.
The First one:
I was driving around the 'burbs with my sister in tow. Since I know I ABSOLUTELY cannot get pulled over otherwise be totally fucked, I drive as careful as possible. Well, all my care is for nothing since I get pulled over. I have no registration and my license is expired. The cop looks mean, I start to cry and protest. My sister is also yelling along with me. I get out of the car ... at this point I'm not sure how or when I do this...but I'm out of the car and I try to start persuading the officer to let me off. I start tugging at his pants while asking him not to bust me. He then takes control of the situation and pretty much starts to order me around. He makes me get on my knees and pull his cock out. My sister is standing off to my right at the parked car, watching me. ....I don't remember what I do then. Perhaps I wake up?
Last Night:
I am with my sister (again) and friends. I take things too far, while knowing exactly what I'm doing, I murder someone. The rest of the dream, and the only objective of the dream is to dispose of the body so I won't get locked up. So, what I try to do first and bury the person. Dosn't work, not enough sand. The plastic I wrapped him in, and I do know that I killed a man, keeps surfacing no matter how much sand I throw atop him. I then try some other means of disposal, like chopping him up into smaller pieces. After he's a puzzle peice of body parts, some body shows up. I think it's my parents, so I'm pretty close to being busted for murder in the 1st degree until by some stroke of luck they turn their backs and I grind up this dead mans body in a meat grinder. Happy ending. Oh yeah, my buddy John is helping me.
What do I make of this? I have no clue. Underlying themes? The threat of authority busting me for doing something...oh yeah, and sex. Although I've always had that fucking an officer fantasy, I have to say, it wasn't plesent in my dream. It was kind of...threating. But then again, I did ask for it. I mean, come on. If a woman was pleading me to do something for her, while tugging on my pants, I'd make her take it out too. I don't blame the scary cop in my dream. Maybe it's hinting at my rape fantasies. Maybe I'm going to get raped. The second dream...I have no idea. It was just strange - the feeling of knowing you killed someone and you could get your life ruined over it. Makes me think of whats his face my sister was dating...oh, Alex. Yeah, totally. Scary. I, geeze.
Anyways, those where just dreams. Also, when I told my roommate about the weirdness of both situations without going into details, she said: "thats b/c you went to bed drunk." Yeah...I was pretty trashed by the time I went to bed - but...who knows. Speaking of drinking, I've been doin a bit of that lately. I think I've been drinking beer the last 4 nights already. Tonight I'm goin to Funk night at the CAID. Fun times dancing! I want James to go but he's at home-home. Sick of Detroit I guess. I don't blame him, I mean, in the last month 1 building has gone up in flames, a woman was stabbed to death in her apartment, and another person got shanked the other night. Thats DETROIT for ya! Ummmm huuh! I love this city. Breath in the incinorating fumes of garbage, poverty, and dirty deeds done dirt cheap.
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[26 Feb 2008|01:22pm] |
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I am writing my research proposal. I feel s-m-a-r-t. I'll be a channelrhodopsin expert in no time! It would be so sweet because Dr. Peduzzi is effin sweet. She has won a many awards. Women of neurology, and I can be her little neurological grasshopper. =) I love it! It's only been 3 years since my graduation and I've come very far. From graduating high school with a 1.87 GPA I've made leaps and bounds. Not only in my education and career, in my personal and spiritual life. I am so in love I don't need to expand on it. It's not trivial either. My feelings for this guy have made me a better person, and not only for him. In the end, even if he does not return my love, I will still be a good person. If he does choose to love me back, we will make loving babies!
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[23 Feb 2008|02:29pm] |
So, I turned in my CLS application earlier in the week. All I have to do now is just to check up on my transcripts to make sure they're all there. With luck, I will receive a call pertaining to an interview. This-a-way my future finances will be ensured and my unborn children will have a Scientist for a mother. =)!!
Secondly, my professor has dumped a shit load of journal articles on me and expects me to write up a research proposal within the end of the month. I made it sound like a burden, but it really is not. This is a tremendous opportunity for me to really advance. It won't be easy, I have a lot of what seems to be over my head information to digest and regurgitate. So, again, with hope, I will finish this, submit it for review, and get the grant. I really want the money, I really want the challenge, and I really want the approval of people I hold in high regards.
Thirdly and the most trivial but exciting, I have a date with James this sunday. Just as I was giving up on the hope that we could make sweet passionate love, he contacts me. =) I am so happy. I normally never think about anybody I know when I'm fantasizing, but he had captured my attention all the while my fingers where playing their game. He is so delicious! I've decided that with this one, I'm going to do it right and proper. No sex until he's my man and he better identify! Not a thing out of me until he agrees to submit to me. He does not have to make me submit since I have already done so, mentally. I care about no one but him and I desire no one but him. He has my commitment and loyalty, as long as he can accept this, then I will implement this agreement. The signature is just a title for me, only then he can have all of me, mental and physical.
I haven't decided if I want to tell him about the summer research stipend yet. I believe I am the only one who is working with Dr. Peduzzi to do undergrad research. He might be intimidated, he might be impressed. I'm not sure, since it could go either way. His testosterone might be envious and sought to compete with me, which would get in the way of us forming any kind of relationship (maybe?). On the other hand, I could impress him with my mental capacity and my drive. He did say that he doesn't date down. Who will know until we try? Honesty is a good way to start a relationship.
Since we are being honest, I fear that he may be a cheat, a lier, a hot air balloon. All these things I worry about, because I am insecure. I know that I will resolve these issues because I must. I cannot grow as a person until I've rounded out all the rough edges. I will do this by just being a good person, which I have been. I will be true to myself by being true to others. True to my convictions and true to my emotions. Right now, I do love myself. Look at all this I have accomplished - and this is only be beginning.
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[21 Feb 2008|12:24pm] |
I'm trying to organize my life. I'm going to do it one step at a time. After i fill out this entree, I'm going to grab my one card and go down to the library - where i will be hiding out until I have to work. I am going to study my A&P. I've deduced that I seek other peoples approval big time! It might just be the only reason I do well in classes. I seek out professors attention, when I get their praise, iwork harder. I donno what it is, but I can't do well in a class unless the prof personally knows me. I made it a point to study up so that I don't look stupid infront of Spranger. I am going to study so fucking mother hard that I'm going to make him studder! ... no, i'm just exaggerating.
So, I had these dreams about James again. The one last night was one where we talked about the current standing of what we have going on. there was a casualness in the air about we two. We jokingly gave each other a hard time. So what is happening between us in the real world is absolutely NOTHING! Hung out twice with all other times short intermittent encounters at the Lab. I may see him tomorrow. I am heading into work to do the animals after lunch around 1:30-2:00 ish. He is scheduled for 4...maybe we will cross paths. I'm going to be friendly, but nothing...to forward. I'm pretty much going to put a relationship out of my mind unless he goes for it. I've been the one doing the chasing and I am exhausting myself.
I've been cutting myself lately. Not out of the typical crying fit, but more of a fascination. It's a way for me to punish myself and teach myself a little bit of discipline. I want to cut myself now...but I have to go to class. It's almost like an addiction. I have to bargain with myself. I want to make myself bleed and I want this reminder to keep myself on track. If I cut myself, I won't have sex with anyone just to avoid the questions that will arise. Oh, boo. Fuck me. Fuck me fuck me fuck me! But what if James really does want me? ... Okay, one more before i study...it'll help me focus.
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[18 Feb 2008|04:00pm] |
I had a very pleasant dream last night. It was nothing special, just an ordinary day. The only thing that made such a minuscule day feel so grand was I had spent it as someone very special's girlfriend. Really. I've been feeling so ... pleasant. Although I can't recall the entire dream what has stuck are few scenes from my memory. Being next to him, he lead me by the hand to meet his parents.
I am so in love, although I dare not utter not even a syllable of that. I spent the night with him on Friday after the party at the Verona. I do regret coming in and staying, although some things did transpire. I would have much rather have a traditional date with him. Still, it was so delicious, I've been nibbling at it since that morning. I regularly recount that tryst from the beginning. It is the beginning that holds me captive, I can't seem to remember all the details, but I so clearly recall being stirred awake. A muscular arm wrapping around my waist and pulling me close. OH! if you could only see the scarlet blush that pinches my cheeks. Sweet as ambrosia, he is.
He took off his shirt, upon my request. From my vantage point, straddling his hips, my eyes got their fill of his physique. I kissed his naked skin, beginning with his beautifully sculpted chest. Kissing my way down to his belly. I had to restrain myself, I wanted so badly to let go. There was something in the air that night, that made me stop. I didn't want to take it too far and ruin what we could have. So, I stopped. I climbed off him and laid next to him, my head resting on his chest. We slept together until the morning. When we awoke, I kept him warm. This time it was I who pulled him close, wrapping my arms around him. We stayed that way, sharing the warmth of our bodies. My hands wandered, riding the waves of muscle in his arms, chest, his belly. My touch sent his breath spiraling and that thought kindles this fire in me.
He is so beautiful. I am completely and utterly taken by him. He's sweeter than all those who have come before. He far surpasses them and he has captivated me. I will leave the land behind to sit by his feet, if only to hear his sweet song. If I drown, I would have at least tasted ambrosia.
Might this be real love? Possibly not, but I have never felt this way about somebody nor for the same length of time. I want his children!
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| Study break |
[06 Feb 2008|06:35pm] |
So, I have my A&P practical exam in 1.44 minutes. A sudden realization that I wanted to record for all the known world to possibly stumble upon. Of the five male gendered people on my AIM, four of the five have pursued me. If or when I ever so choose, any one of those guys could be mine. That makes me feel good, to know that I have them at my beck and call. Well gosh dang it! Old girls still got it! The shame is that I would not have any of them. Not the Doctor. Not the Lawyer. Not the Nurse. Not the old chum. Thats a pretty good collection of guys, minus my friend who can't decided what he wants to do. My PhD friend, now, he would make a good bread winner. He is every thing I ask for, except he is in no way attractive to me. Which is a shame, but whatever. Something...just something. I don't like any of them for one reason or another. Looks, height, it's all shallow.
So today I was looking through pictures. Old pictures, dating back to middle school. I can honestly say, the only boy I've ever "loved" was Jesse. Ybarra was just there to distract from the pain of the break up. God, that was the most painful breakup I've ever experienced in my life. John Easton, whenever I think of him, it's with pity and disgust. I try to keep it civil, but he has this consistency to attack me. The trend seems to be, flirt with me, get shot down, attack me. WTF, for real. Dick wipe. It makes me sad Jesse hates me still, but I really don't blame him. The pain I felt was from breaking up, the pain I inflicted upon him was something I need to repent for. Oh, and I am. I've put myself on marital probation. I've been hurt by two people that I so sorely wanted. And so, this old girl learns that what goes around comes around. I'm not interested in relationships right now, only because no one strikes my fancy. Those who have, have shot me down (or was in already in a relationship and never told me!). I just want to make friends, because, they're good for something. I've got my fuck buddies already.
Although the whole marital probation is not completely true. I'm intrigued by a certain female. We've had strange happenings between the two of us, which she had to ask me about since she was blackout drunk. It might be fun, but I had this dream last night. I haven't dreamt in a few days since I haven't slept, but this dream is strange. The feelings in it where: Confusion (why am I the center of attention on campus? Why am I naked? Why did Katrina drug me?), Fear (why are the police involved? Am I going to be abandoned?), embarrassment (Everyone is talking about me. I'm still naked), Loneliness (I don't want him to leave me). Overall, I felt like a lost child. I sought comfort in my Doctor friend I mentioned above. It's strange since I'm going to hang out with him tonight. Yes, the strange get stranger.
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| Mental Pondering |
[05 Feb 2008|04:52pm] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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3 Libras - APC |
] |
My anxiousness is sometimes fleeting. Sleep depravation is conquering the majority of these hours. It'd only be an advantage if I could take these moments and materialize that which I am obligated. That never is the fact. There is a strange sense of ordered chaos in this life. That same sense of hierarchy has stacked my emotions in a peculiar disposition. Woe, is life.
The only thing that restrains me from living with a comfortable state of consciousness are the deadlines. The last day to apply to the program is at the end of the month. Yes, the end of the month and I am so anxious; a combination of concern and dread. The future is looming every more closer to the horizon. As the clouds roll in, I'm debating whether or not I can face the storm. I'm talking nonsense. But of course I will be able to, I will always prevail. There is no question but to forge on, succeed, and to carve a niche for myself.
Strange it may be, but I converse with my ovaries daily. I share my hopes and dreams with the one egg fate has chosen to be my first child. The most simple and basic instinct is what drives me. Could I be any more primal? Possibly, but as for now, I'm doing it with as much sophistication as possible.
As for now, I must leave my prissy feelings behind, and dedicate my mind to studying. I have to go home tonight for the New Year.
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