| Little dancer |
[20 Nov 2009|06:36pm] |
You know I'm a dreamer right? I could spend hours without blinking, as long as I had a head full of possibilities and an arm to rest my chin on, staring off into the vast expanse of my imagination. A day dream is nothing if I don't have someone to share it with. By this I don't mean vocally. I mean to incorporate these figures into my inventions. I'm easily stirred into fantasy. A glimpse of a handsome stranger, the color of a sunset, the smell of a warm home, a child's smile.
It's these kind of things that motivate my endeavors. I work harder, with a giggle and smirk, that if I distract myself for long enough the object of my daydreams will make an entrance into my life. Suppose this is the reason I put so much faith in wishes. I never let opportunities to wish upon something pass, not lightly at least. Shooting stars, shiny pennies, straw wrappers, wish bones from all sorts of birds, 11:11's. Take 'em all then sit and wait. Wait for the days all my dreams come true. That itself has been my castle in the sky.
One thing that never changes is the feeling in my gut, even if the location and scenery varies from time to time. I always know what it's like to just breath in all the things I've worked so hard for and finally exhale, just ... relaxing.
I've been steady in my resolve. I am so close to accomplishing ONE thing I set out to do. I'm ready to make new goals and cross those off my list. I am an juggernaut of ambition. It's for my ethereal exploration. I need to challenge myself to prove to myself that I can. I can fucking do it and so can you. No time to boo hoo. No time to live in the past, when things out of your control tried to hold you still. I am not this kind of person. The time for that is over and I need to look to the future. It's in the future where I have a safe haven from the demons of my past. I won't let them rule me, win my spirit. My ego won't have it. I will CRUSH them. Slaughter them and win my soul back.
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| drum roll |
[18 Nov 2009|07:19pm] |
I'm a little conflicted because John just made an appearance in my life. We broke up almost 3 years ago and now we're jumping right back (into the sac). I have a few emotions floating around this and I hate how addicting he is. I have walls thick enough to keep him out of my heart, but it finds his way into my head (among other places). There is one issue that is causing me some grief and that is the fact that he is cheating on his girlfriend - and not reluctantly either.
Should I believe that he is usually a stand up guy and the reason he cheats is because I am an exception? If the answer to that is yes, then I am apprehensive because I do not want to be back in a relationship with him. If the answer is no, does that just make him an asshole. Another question arises from that, and it follows, if you so readily cheat because you cant resist good sex, did you at any time cheat on me? To wrap it all up, do I even have the right to question him. Do I have the right to feel hurt if I learn the truth?
I dumped him. I got rid of him because he was not enough for me. Sure, you know my body better then any else does and do things to it that make it ache the next day - but that's not enough for me. Sometimes it's the straw that breaks the camels back, but you're far to undereducated for me to appreciate. It'd be wrong of me to keep him to myself just because the dick is good. I don't want him to invest his love in me, because I will only abuse it. His girlfriend can have that, I don't want it but I'm not going to argue, I might fight for the piece of him I do want. I have a feeling that if I did get into the fight, I'd win - and I'd fight dirty to do it. However, in the end my victory would not be a big one. I'd destroy everything for something not worth the fight and in the end, that sounds like a loss.
I guess the solution is to petition him for an open relationship with his girlfriend. Then, I can have the good sex I haven't had since we broke up (he agrees we're the best together) and she can provide him with real love that my cold heart lacks (he knows she really loves him).
Oh boy...this is going to be rough, in more ways then one.
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| Drawn from a hat |
[17 Nov 2009|01:19pm] |
Maybe one day I'll have the guts to stand up, without looking down and take that wrinkle out of my brow. Until then, I'll count on you to remove my hands from my eyes. To see the world in bright colored lights. Maybe then I'll smile more freely, with bliss in crystal clarity. But who really knows, if I need you at all. Could it be I deceive myself to avoid the fall?
The look in her eyes tell me to surrender worry. That look cradles my apprehension in tranquility and I know it better now. That these fears are here to drive. They serve as protective bumpers that keep me within the lanes.
Wander where there is no path. There is no time like the present to "get lost". Realize that a path has many s. Choose one, and get lost on the pathless path today.
I'm sitting in the pharm school pretending to work. At a table 10 feet away is a handsome pharm student I've been noticing since last year. He's tall, dark hair, dressed fine, always smiling. Someone I'd like to know. What is his story? Where is he going? Does he have a place in his heart for adventure? These things are important, these things keep my affection. I like to pretend. I like to pretend he notices and thinks similarly. Chances are, we'll never speak. Not even with our eyes, but it's fun to pretend. It's fun to imagine a story in his head. That he finds pleasure looking into my face and wonders about me the way I wonder about him.
I'm a silly girl. I do this all the time. But it's these little inventions that keep this pleasant smile on my face. Just to imagine the whole world is full of these beautiful strangers. That when I make up stories about them, they are drawing up a story for me.
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| Testing. Testing. 6-6-6. |
[16 Nov 2009|11:58am] |
I think it's time for a moral reality check. As much as I'd like to ignore all my ethical trespasses, I can't bring myself to do so for much longer. It only takes until the night, when I'm alone, long enough for me to stew on my actions to know what I did was wrong. Lord, I'd like to ignore so many things. The path to atonement starts with owning your sins. I must admit, I've done somethings, many things, wrong. I'm not just guilty for my actions, but it's my intentions will be what condemn me.
I know better but seldom do I act better. If I can put space between whats right and wrong, chances are I will justify the shit out of them until they some how seem less bad - arguably better. I use to live by a moral code of conduct. I've always kept the three fold law close to my heart. So when I know I did something to another that would break my heart to pieces if done to me, I begin to feed this fear within. Setting myself up for severe pain, so much that I cause my own to avoid another imposing it on me. Funny the way karma works. I've consistently been on the lookout for other people hurting me, but I've been punishing myself for years.
Still, even with all this guilt, paranoia, and sorrow - there is a big part of me that tells me I will most likely go on sinning the way I enjoy. What is so wrong with me that I don't have to will to quit hurting people. Am I really that selfish? When it comes down to it, where the hell do I keep my soul? If I didn't know, that'd be one thing. But I know better, I know I'm hurting people and myself, I know it's not worth it. Still, I continue to do it. I continue to feed the monster bits of my flesh. It's never enough, its hunger consuming. In the end will I be skin and bones, or will it want those as well?
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[15 Nov 2009|11:03pm] |
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7 times last night. Lord, did I ever need it.
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| I'm a badfish |
[14 Nov 2009|02:47pm] |
I went out with Katie and Pete yesterday. It was a long day. She buried her brother that morning. I almost didn't expect to hear from her, I understood that she had to take care of her family first. My God, Katie has so much strength in her. How one person goes on after facing so many hardships is beyond me. I really admire her, her ability to hold herself and others up in such trying times. I have so much respect for her and look to her for an example. She calls me her crazy asian, well bitch, your just as crazy and I love you for it.
Man, oh, man - we got some stories. Stories of being silly as fuck. She's pulled me back before...by the hair. lol I need things like that. I need my friends, who know how I am. I need them to get in my head and pull me out. Push me forward. My friends are my anchor, I'll be their ship. I'll forge on and bring them with me everywhere I go. My success are their success. I will share everything I have with them, because they show me the kind of love I was so afraid I'd never have.
When I got home from the bar, Jordan called me. We talked for hours. Even though he's so far away, we've gotten closer. He thanked me yesterday for being his rock. extended his appreciation and I needed to hear that. I'm going to be the babies god-mother soon. Tiff is only 6 months, so she'll be here soon. I'll be doing my rotations. It's just so heartwarming to be accepted into a family like that. I feel like Tiffany, Luke, Sean, Ambur, Jordan - these people are the family I've chosen. Found out yesterday Jordan knew what happened on Luke's birthday. Hah, god I blushed. I'm going to save up all my pennies and try to go see him as soon as december. I miss that crazy fool. Tell me, are you a badfish too?
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[11 Nov 2009|09:46am] |
I’m not sure what it was that took me back again. Not a smell or a memory, it was longer then that: a thought process perhaps. Here I am, sitting at a cluttered desk, a cup of tea, and a candle. Studying my notes for tomorrow’s exam with one hemisphere of my brain, while the other was busy being disconnected from academics. Thinking about myself when I was 10 years old. Playing in the street, in the leaves. Making new friends, fighting with the neighborhood boys. That was so far away. How could we have ever predicted anything would happen the way it did? Who would have known in a little over a decade, that our lives now had even the slightest semblance of our former selves?
I got a call late last night. A friend is dead. All at once, everything hits you like a brick. Your mind starts to travel back in time. It’s like watching a movie in rewind. I can feel the seasons sweeping past me as I can only watch the memories of years gone by and how I’m so sorry this is how it happened.
It so strange to think of someone who you’ve known for such a long time not be around anymore. Memories of being a kid, making up games in the snow on a winter morning. When we were all a little older, skipping school to smoke pot in the woods. Letting me borrow your Nintendo games. I can only imagine how your family is doing without you and I wish I could do something. If just, somehow I had the magic to go back in time and stop the course of events.
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[11 Nov 2009|12:15am] |
I want to rant and rave. I can't. I have to brush my teeth and go to sleep in a bed I finally made. These last few days have been studying hell, and I've been so busy I slept on a pile of clean sheets on top of my mattress. Like a nesting animal. Good news: I got a 93% in lab and 85% lecture for hematology. I'm going into the molecular exam with an 93%. Biochem (is scary business and I don't want to know) Mycology exam today - I feel like I did average. I have a B in the class. Lord, I need to play catch up to ace my classes (which I am fully intent on doing!).
These next few days will be busy as all hell. Davids viewing and funeral is this weekend. I'm going to drive out to see Shelly. I have to miss the 2nd lecture on virology because I have to deal with a court date. UGH.
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| Womp Womp |
[08 Nov 2009|02:00pm] |
Last night was intense. I'll have photo evidence soon. Freaks mobbed the stage, hippies on my neck, dub steppin all over that floor. I think I sprained my toe. Throwing it down hard, I was hanging off the balcony railing throwing my chest into it. Good Lord, that BASS was divine. Sweaty bodies everywhere, that crowd was collectively swimming against the beat. Making some room up there in the front meant a lot of elbows in the air. Lorin Aston, I will have your illegitimate children.
When I pulled my shirt out of my bag, it was wet. The whole back of my party pack was wet from me sweating on it all night.
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[07 Nov 2009|11:57am] |
Wishing. Wishing upon a star. Wishing results in scars. Wishing behind these bars
in a four chambered cell I lay. Moving in circles day to day. Wishing I that had just stayed away.
Cycles round the way cycles go. Most times truth never shows. My heavy heart beating cold.
Wishing is a worthless thing. Actions become just the same. Curse the day I spoke your name.
Last night I went out and saw all my girls. I had a grand welcoming. I didn't expect to see all the other girls, but I walked in and three people from different directions of the room started screaming my name and jumped up to embrace me. How sweet it is to be so loved. It really is important to me how much my friends care about me. It's like all these battered emotions I have saved up from bad romantic experiences can just be up and removed. Replaced by a love that is deeper and more honest. I love that my friends are so fond of me.
Yeah, don't mind my poems. They don't reflect on anything happening now. They're just feelings I have stored somewhere in my psyche, of feelings I've once felt. Afraid I'll just project them into things happening now. My therapist tells me not to do that, but he tells me everyone does. It's how we are wired, but we must first be aware we are doing it. It helps alleviate symptoms. It has - very much. I feel...healthy. Happy. Finally, I feel a sense of freedom from myself. It's great, but I still have demons to battle. There are roads I've not even revealed to him yet. I'm not ready to face it. It's something I'm so ashamed of I can't bring myself to manifest them in words. I can't...talk about it. I'm so ashamed. It's haunted me for years and years, hoping that we could all just forget it happened. Especially in a child's mind, perception is hard to come to terms with. Hopefully, one day we'll get there. I doubt I'll ever lose the need to see a doctor, but I'm okay with that.
I made a new friend I'm very fond of. She's fucking crazy, but...crazy bitches have more fun. The things she deals with, I see in myself. I'm getting past them and I hope she can do. I owe my therapist a lot, he's helped me more then he knows. Well...i'm sure he knows.
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[05 Nov 2009|12:12pm] |
Things move fast in life. One minute you drowning in an ocean of regret and the next you're standing on the shore of achievement. Don't I wish more then anything just to pause the good moments. Just to be able to revel in the minor successes, since those move faster then the speed of sound. That's what good friends and family are for. They keep these moments, so precious to you, for the times when you need to hear them. I'm constantly amazed at the love there out there, in the endless universe, for me. There REALLY are people out there that love me so deeply, I struggle to fathom it. In this way I am so blessed and that trumps all things.
I'm a little surprised at how interested he is in me. He does things and I know I've been on his mind. Still, I won't let him in. He can just collect on the superficial scrapings I pass out, but he'll won't get a taste of the real person underneath the walls. I'm afraid to let him, anyone for that matter, in. Been burned so badly the fire scares me. It's a shame I won't be able to feel wholly, but what can you do when you're so jaded? Sit Adorned I suppose. One day I'll be able to trust someone with my heart. The day is not today and I won't see my therapist until next week.
I try not to hate anymore. Now when they mention his name, I don't flinch anymore. I don't want to kill him and I try not to hate him. In all honesty, I still hate him. I still wish a world of misfortune on him. The truth is, I don't have to do anything for that to happen. He is such a sick person (mentally, spiritually, and physically) that he alone will bring upon himself more damage then I could ever do. I was only ever good to him but he twist the story around and makes me sound like the evil one. The rapist is the hero and the lady is the tramp. That's how the story goes. But let me tell you something sir, heaven knows. Tall tales won't reach the gates and you won't be ascending the stairs. Your soul is dammed and your flesh will burn. You'll never love because your heart is blank. And because of that, no one will ever love you more deeply then a piece of plastic.
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[04 Nov 2009|04:33pm] |
So as much as I was starstruck by the Ann Arbor health systems labs, I've already sold my soul to Detroit. I put in my top choices and soon I will find out where I'll be interning next semester. After class I ran into Justin so we stopped and chatted a bit about all things clinical. He liked Henry Ford, he works in their blood bank. He got a job on the midnight shift. Said all 5 of the interns were offered a job, only one did not take it and that's because she went directly into grad school.
To put it bluntly, everyone is ready to eat each other over a clinical rotation. If Ann Arbor (which was my second choice) only takes one, they'll take Danyell. Heidi and Jeff don't want Henry Ford as their 1st choice. Hamdan is not a noteworthy competitor. Nida and Belquis both want Oakwood. Amabell will take a small hospital, Garden City or St. Mary, most likely Fatma will too. So who else? I'm not worried about any of the 3 remaining guys. Then again, Henry Ford takes 5 students. If Sara and I get it, then there is still room for three more.
I'm not panicking. I'm going to get into Henry Ford. I am confident. There is no reason not to give it to me. Besides, Garza loves me. And I don't live up Brown's ass like Annett tries to. Lord, she annoys me. She's a perpetual failure. How do you get a masters in biological science and still end up working retail - part time. It's because she sucks. She'd suck the professors cock if only they had one. Dumb cunt, I will smash your face and skull fuck you. If you fucking try to get in my way I will use your eye sockets as ashtrays. Fuck with me and might as well be fucking yourself.
Whooooa. Gotta get that out. Point in case, I'm going to be fine. I'm going to work in a big lab. My awesome people skills will get me places and open doors. I already have a foot in a few places because, well it's face it, I'm the fucking shit and I will dominate this bitch. That glass ceiling is getting shattered by the brute force of my forehead. I will divide and conquer, pillage and plunder. I'll take the road less trodden upon and pave it in gold. If I have to pave it with blood, bones, and tears - Lord help me they'll be yours.
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| Hooker meatloaf |
[04 Nov 2009|12:58am] |
I have not much to say except that I don't see how this week is going to resolve. I have exam upon exam upon exam. There is not enough time for me to study, but still i'm procrastinating and not freaking out. HOW? who the fuck knows. maybe it's because i'm more secure this time around. maybe it's because I can distract myself with play things while still staying out of the pen. It's driving my motivation I guess. OR maybe it's b/c I haven't smoked weed in almost 2 months. Crazy, right?
So I made a list and without checking twice, I'd say it confirms my ego. Isn't it funny the way the game goes. I don't give a fuck about you and you spill your guts on my shoes. Still, at the moment my love is thousands of miles away and I don't really care to start anything on the home front. Still, making out with Nick on Halloween was pretty nice. Especially since I passed out and puked before making out with him. (Hahaha, bet he loved the way I taste.) Got me thinking, when I never considered it before, he could make a pretty fine lover. There are just two requirements - that he like to eat pussy and his dick is not microscopic. But that's just my hormones talking. I doubt I like him and I'll just use him as a fantasy when I need one.
Still, there is another mister on the horizon. He's older, established, kind, and well rounded. He's also offered to take me into the bone marrow transplant lab where he works. How. Fucking. Sexy. is that?! Dead - fucking -sexy I say. Dead. Motherfucking. Sexy. And he's a musician. But...i feel like I need to play nice with this one. Not the way I feel like I have to be nice to Nick out of obligation and social lubricant, but I actually feel like Jeremy deserves my kindness.
Who fucking knows? I can't make up my mind on who to be with so I'm with nobody. Nobody's going to get shit out of me until they can prove they're not dogs. Otherwise, I'll just eat them whole and made them wish they never loved women.
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[30 Oct 2009|10:25pm] |
I don't know what to do. I'm worried. I'm sad. I'm devastated. Just when things were going so good, why did it have to get so bad? I love her so much, she is my sister. Please don't give up on me. Please fight the good fight, because I need you in my life. I need you to lend me strength. I need you to be at my side for the rest of my life. Please don't leave me like that. I know it's hard but you have to fight, because we all love you so dearly.
She is in the hospital right now. Paralyzed. She has multiple sclerosis. I'm not one who prays often, but God, if you can hear me. Please help her. I would do anything.
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| Real love |
[29 Oct 2009|08:50pm] |
This does not define me
rather it gives me the capabilities
to give a definition to humanity
of all the ways it should be
How to treat your mother
To honor your father
a way to be a forbear
and a better neighbor
Brothers and sisters
of the Earthly matriarch
Be my keeper and I yours
for the sake of moral benchmarks
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| And of Grace |
[29 Oct 2009|05:50pm] |
I found it in the corner
I found it underneath
I pulled it from it's crevice
I pulled it to it's feet
It looked at me,
Blinked once, then two
Opened it's mouth
when a dozen flies fell through
Landing with a pitter-pat:
Fallen soldiers on their backs
Cursed and spit upon my face
The observation of tedious days
An evening spent with a friend
The nightingale with songs of shade
Filling up our escapades
To the land of nocturnal slumber
In the end does devour
Our innocence of yesterday
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[27 Oct 2009|06:59pm] |
Am I coming or am I going?
Down below it's always snowing
covering up crowded footsteps
across moments lethargy crept
between the legs of an old crone
The long hours tick, tick, and drone
on and on promises made
If only it was your word that stayed
Leave this wretched place behind?
I'd follow you completely blind
We'll leave it within the second hand
Roll over it's carcass if you demand
But first we must gather leaves
sticks and stones and branches please
to build a cozy little nest
for a place in which we rest
upon return from our Earthly travels
May we as one begin to unravel.
=) My friend messaged me on face book. He asked me if I felt like writing him some back and fourth impromptu poetry. I agreed and this is what I've made for he! Hehe, I use to hate rhyming poetry, but it's much easier to do spoken word when things rhyme. Anyway, this little number was about how my mookfish invited me for a swim.
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| I should go to bed now |
[27 Oct 2009|01:02am] |
FUCK, why do I have to want something so badly? I hate being such a passionate person. Makes me so susceptible to nostalgia and visionaries. This was brought about by a picture. A picture of a man, he was not even facing the camera. All I had to see was his profile, that bandanna, and his guitar. And there I go again, falling in love with the impossible. Wanting to talk but having nothing I could say. Looking for a replacement but somethings always in the way. Not that I need one, I just miss his smell. Miss his stupid face. Who else would let me headbutt them in the middle of being intimate. When he left me, he left a bruise that turned yellow. My only regret was that he did not leave more. I wish he would have broken the skin and I would have had a memory of him for longer then the time it takes to heal.
But he's gone now, and he takes his teeth with him. He'll most likely be biting other girls and turning them into his lovers. I don't mind who he bites, just as long as he comes back to me when the moon is full and heavy. He's put the lunacy in me and if he does not come back to it, it might tear him apart - but only in the physical way and always with all my love.
Strange the way I love him. I love him for him, I don't care what he does. If he finds someone else and falls deeply in love with her, I will be happy for him. He is a beautiful human being, I am convinced, and it would be a crime to try to keep such a wondrous creature in a small pond. He'll never read this. I gave him the link to my blogspot in which I write vague poetry about how things are. Until then, the torturous poet inside of me will go on loving which I cannot have with me. Loving something separated by an ocean.
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| Mad |
[26 Oct 2009|08:20pm] |
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Lord, I'm falling back into this. The anger I have for myself is creeping at the edges of the picture and soon it will be a real threat it could very well take it over. I've been extra hard on myself to day. Mad things don't go my way. Although I'm seeing shades of red, I know I can't be held accountable. Maybe it's just that I want to be held accountable and the fact that it really doesn't matter much to my professor - it means a lot to me. To prove to them something extraordinary when they expect little from me. I'm an overachiever because it validates something inside of me. To prove that I'm important, useful, reliable. I'm seething in my own personal failure and nobody knows it. These kind of emotions make me want to turn to the knife. It's been such a long time since I've fallen back on that kind of destructive therapy and I want to resist it. However, it's hard to do so since more then a decade of conditioning has cemented my need for pain. How silly. My parents use to abuse me and now I do it for them. Is it crazy that I'm always going to need people to hurt me because I can feel it's absence and miss it terribly? I find comfort in abuse and this thought disturbs me.
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| Lord Knows |
[25 Oct 2009|04:48pm] |
God, I'm such a silly girl. I'm not sure if what's poking it's head through this time is my insanity or just the monthly hormonal fluctuation. I keep resisting sleep, consequently putting myself in a perpetual exhaustive state. It extrapolates on my bitchiness. I am a bundle of bitch, eat it with a hot before the blow up date.
Anyways, I'm stressing out a little bit. Took a look at my calendar and all the exam dates have been changing! Professors keep pushing things back, so they're all accumulating within a few days of each other. I was supposed to be freed up by November! Now things are the most crazy in November and ... Humpf!! I'm still going to Bassnectar, I've already got two tickets. Just now I can't party too hard. Not that I can do drugs as it is...I'm supposed to be clean. How fucking dry, more then an inorganic chemistry lecture 8 in the morning. Dry as an old bitty, honest.
So...the reason I called myself silly in the beginning of this entry was because of a sudden turn in my perception. Paranoia is settled in like morning fog. I'm weary of everybody again. Not only that, I caught myself in a silent moment yesterday. I suppose this takes a little explanation. You see, during the height of (or rather the pit of) my depression I would go into periods of quiet. I wouldn't speak a word, utter a sound. Prone to pull the covers over my head and wait for the days to pass. There was no reason for me to say anything, I didn't know where to start so I would just swallow my words before they formed. Saved personal for methods of the unhealthy sort.
The last couple months I've been, dare I say it, happy. The events of my life seemed under control, even though so much was happening. A part of me feared this attitude was just part of the game in self deception. It scared me - I guess I just scare me. Scared of slipping back into that place of no return. Scared of the choices I WON'T make because I've been handicapped by my subconscious.
When I'm afraid, I run away. I've always been running but something made me stop. Face the light. Even search out the day. Since the other night, when I got a taste of what I was hiding from...I feel the foundation of this facade faltering. I began to worry about my composure. I'm standing over the hole, but I've not fallen in. I'm going to start filling it with dirt, so if I do fall, I won't fall hard.
I should call my therapist.
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