Blurty for Philosophy In A Tea Cup.

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Friday, March 19th, 2004

Subject:So Much More Alone
Time:10:00 pm.
Mood:lonelier than ever.
Music:this song has been brought to you by a falling bomb by thrusday.
if i had liquor and no parents, i'd so be drunk right now.
i'd be up in my room
lighting candles
listening to thursday
alcohol in one hand
paintbrush or soemthing in another
spread eagle on the bed
thursday blasting on my stereo
.......

i want to start painting
if anyone feels extremely generous
would you chip in some money so i can buy some art supplies?
i wanna be good at something
better explore all my options

i wish it would rain
i wish i wasnt alone
i wish someone else was here to keep me company

i remember that one time
a few days ago
we were in the library for anthro
and michelle was talking about how some of her friends think that they desperately need boyfriends
i didnt say anything
its not relaly a boyfriend that i need
i need someone constant in my life
someone who'd love me as much as i'd love them

my plan seems to be failing
i'm not good enough
i'm not strong enough
i'm not the right one
i'm not going to suceed
i'm going to keep trying
and keep failing
and keep getting my heart crushed
and keep tripping over my lagging hope
that i drag around like a broken leg

its as if i'm on crutches
sometimes, i dont need anyones help
other times, i need to sit down and be by myself
then i need to sit down with friends
and then other times, i need my friends more than i need the crutches
or are my friends the crutches?

its sad when i say that some of my best friends are inanimate
like my hoodie
or my bed
etc

i need a cello
and some paintbrushes
and a pottery thingey
and some company.....

i would very much like a lap i could crawl into now
and fall asleep

why am i so much more alone tonight that other nights?
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Time:9:01 pm.
Mood: lonely.
Music:Marches and Manuevers by Thursday.
if i could only choose one cd to take with me to my afterlife
it would most definitely be Thursday
this cd is already getting skips from overplay
i love it that much
i'm working on memorizing everything on it
i highly suggest you buy this cd
whoever you are
or aren't.....
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:I Seem To Match The Wallpaper
Time:8:20 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
Music:hurt by nine inch nails.
blerrrrg....
i feel so bloated...
"oooo sexy!"

wow
i love excel saga
omg i could watch it again and again and again and again
i just wish everyone else loved it as much as i do

.....

anyways

.....

bianka seems to be secretly mad at me
about how i tend to laugh at her misfortune
and about all that i said on the way to the LGI
about how i said i was sorry
but i really wasnt
and how i said that i really wasnt
......

i wish i could call eric
but i dont know if he's still grounded or whatnot

i think i should invite bianka over
but i dont know what we'd do
since she's given up the playstation
so she cant help me with ffiv
and we cant watch any dvd's or anything
and its not like we could go to the mall
because even if her parents arent there
she cant have a social life at all
how agitating.

speaking of a social life.....
i have none.
well, i mean, its better that some ppls
but still.
i know i'm being redundant, but still.
it would be nice to be able to make all these friends like danielle makes
but i'm too shy
i mean, hell, danielle is friends with chris
whats that mean, though?
is it possible for......
no
i should stop raising my hopes
i hate doing that
because i know that it does nothing but hurt
when nothing follows the plan

i have a free day tomorrow
that means i can go out and do anything
with anyone
but no one wants to do anything with me
which kinda really hurts

i feel like going to swayze's
i've only been once
and it was so much fun
i want to go
and meet new people
and maybe actually grab the hot guy in the mosh pit's ass
and smirk at julia and the rest of her posse of poser whores
and say hi to kathryn medina
and participate
and stop being so goddamn shy!
but no one wants to go with me
no one remembers that jessica is a person too
and its because i'm so fucking shy....

its kinda scary
knowing that i'm in high school now
things are different
i have to come out of my shell
i can't hide under my hoodie from everything these days
people getting pregnant
people in fights
people cutting themselves
people doing drugs
people trying to committ suicide

and those are just my friends.

i mean, bianka is safe, but she's too safe.
she's too mature.
she's really a Senior
maturity wise
and i'm still stuck as a Freshman

its like i'm glued to the wall
while half my friends walk out one exit
and the others walk out of the one on the opposite side
the glue isnt really that sticky anymore
but then theres that fire under my feet
that yells at me
i have to choose which way to go
and i dont know why i just can't go straight
why i can't grab that jackhammer
and dig my own way out
and still keep those close to me....

why do i have to be the way i am?
i probably think to much
at school, i'm very social and usually very happy
but at home, its like i'm a completely different person
i wonder why
i think sometimes i take things overboard
and i feel really bad about it
but i just cant stop myself
i never learned how
no one ever taught me to control these emotions
no one told me how to keep things inside
and how to treat other people with respect
i mean, dont get me wrong
i follow that golden rule
i'm not that mean
but i always take it out on whoever's closest by
and they dont want that
they dont need that
they only want me there for their amusement
because they really dont care
they really dont care about me
just my "exoskeleton"

haha that reminds me of that one episode of futurama where dr. ziodberg molted his shell and needed a new one
its funny
really

i wish
my journal was like danielle's
and people would actually read it
and post
and write in their own
for me to read
and that every single entry would have at least one comment
from a friend
she knows that people will read her journal
and care too
in fact
so many people read her journal
that she had to make it friends only
and still, she gets so many replies

damnit. i have this huge fucking zit on my face, and it wont go away.
i wish my skin was flawless.....

so, uh, yeah, as i was saying before i went off on a tangent (w00t geometry, 100, 000 pnts for me), i'm free saturday
someone, take me somewhere
678 797 1797
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:nothing can stop me now, because i dont care anymore
Time:5:27 pm.
Mood: bored.
Music:track something on the nine inch nails cd.
haha thats a lie, of course i care
its impossible for me to not care.....


If I were a month, I'd be: September. Bianka's birthday, and the weather is perfect.

If I were a day of the week, I'd be: Saturday, you can never have enough

If I were a time of day, I'd be: seven in the morning

If I were a planet, I'd be: revolving around the sun

If I were a sea animal, I?d be a(n): sea otter

If I were a direction, I'd be: lost.

If I were a piece of furniture I?d be a: roly chair.

If I were a sin, I'd be: uh, lust?

If I were a historical figure, I'd be: Queen Elizabeth!

If I were a liquid, I'd be: a Smoothie

If I were a tree, I'd be: firewood.

If I were a bird, I'd be: one of those little teeny brown ones, the brown thrasher, right?

If I were a tool, I'd be: a nail

If I were a flower/plant, I'd be: ivy

If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: partly cloudy

If I were a mythical creature, I'd be: Well, i'm not that educated in my mythical creatures....so i dont know...prolly something obvious like a pixie or something

If I were a musical instrument, I'd be: alto saxophone or a cello

If I were an animal, I'd be: a flying squirrel

If I were a color, I'd be: purple

If I were an emotion, I'd be: .........andy says it seems like i'm depressed, and angry at life, and emily says i'm too moody.

If I were a vegetable, I'd be: asparagus

If I were a sound, I'd be: leaves rustling in the wind

If I were an element: water

If I were a car, I'd be: Jeep Wrangler. Top on, top off. Not everyone likes them, and they're pretty ugly....

If I were a song, I'd be: Painted Black by Vanessa Carlton

If I were a movie, I'd be: The Nightmare Before Christmas

If I were a book, I'd be: my personal botebook journal thing

If I were a food, I'd be: strawberry cheesecake

If I were a place, I'd be: SMoothie King

If I were a material, I'd be: cotton

If I were a taste, I'd be: winterfresh

If I were a scent, I'd be: laundry

If I were a religion, I'd be: ........

If I were a word, I'd be: moody

If I were an object, I'd be: arm socks

If I were a body part, I'd be: toes

If I were a facial expression, I'd be: a smirk

If I were a subject in school, I'd be: emily says Lit, but i really dunno. I was thinking like, art or psychology or lunch, or something

If I were a cartoon character, I'd be: Jimmy Neutron

If I were a shape, I'd be: a circle

If I were a number, I'd be: 14



school was pretty lame today.
got to school early, duh.

spanish, lame, duh.

lit. was ok.
myth. projects
ch. 1 sucked
ch. 3 was pretty good

lunch was....weird.
and embarrasing......o.o

band was gay
i missed eric

biology
test
crashed
burned
died

anthro
boring
drew self portrait

geometry
quiz
bad

home
lame
bored
blah

-jajajajajajajajajaja................
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Thursday, March 18th, 2004

Subject:dark clouds over my head
Time:5:32 pm.
Mood: cold.
Music:this song has been brought to you by a falling bomb.
ranted real good this morning to eric.
b-rob asked me something, but i didnt hear
i just shrugged.
watched man of la mancha. i love that movie.
i'm such a liar.
and a hypocrite.
lit. was gay
sub
lunch was fun
i had fun
i hope i wasnt the only one
band was gay
i like the song tho
biology was gay
mrs gray said i did well on the practical tho
anthro was excrutiatingly horrible
test
fucked it up bad
geometry was boring
tornado drill
came home
typed and typed and typed
lonely
cold
gloomy
theres this cloud over my head
it wont go away
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:this song has been brought to you by a falling bomb
Time:5:12 pm.
Mood: cold.
Music:this song has been brought to you by a falling bomb by thursday.
do you hear the jet plane yawning miles across the sky?
do you hear the garbage truck back down the boulevard,
setting off the car alarms as it passes by?
do you hear the static of one thousand detuned radios?
shut the window, love. keep the world outside.
I don't want to think about anyone but the footsteps are getting louder,
drowning out the sound of the rain, as it knocks on the windowsill.
I'm not answering the phone -- let it ring.
lately I've been feeling like a falling bomb.
the ground is getting closer and the sky is falling down.
this song has been brough to you by a falling bomb.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:my essay
Time:4:42 pm.
Mood:forsaken.
Music:signals over the air by thursday.
yeah, anthro really sucked. i had no fucking idea what the essay was about, so i didnt write one...

i did, however, write this long long rant:

I am so dead. I have no earthly idea what this essay is about. I thought we would receive the topic today, but no. We were supposed to have already known, and I didn't, so I'm currently trying to make it look like I'm writing a real essay. What am I going to do?

I signed that Honor Code, so I can't speak to anyone to ask what its about. I'm the worst student in the world. Not to mention I completely screw up on the fill-in-the-blanks section of the test. I know nothing. I'm so stupid.

I want to shoot myself in the head for taking this class! Why did Mrs. Dawson sign me up for this class? Why didn't I just say, "I'd rather be put in Honors," or just apply for Campbell? God, I'm a stupid idiot!

If only I had done this class correctly from the beginning. If only I hadn't gone through "depression". That period in my life completely screwed me up. I really can't stand myself at times.

Why can't I be more like Michelle? She's absolutely perfect. She's so intelligent. She gets excellent grades. She does all her work. She's good at everything she tries. Instead, I'm Jessica Sfintu. Atheist, slacker, ignorant, failure, talentless, blah blah blah, the list goes on and on.

It makes me want to die, right now. I wish my heart just stopped right now and then I'd be dead, for like, a minute, but then my heart would start again, and I'd be in coma for a year, and then I'd wake up and I wouldn't remember anything.

I wish I could erase all my memories and be like Colin from Everwood. Great show, I should start watching it again.

Why do I need this class anyways? If that premonition I had about myself is true, then I don't even need any of these classes! I'm going to work in broadcasting. I'm not going to study dead people and rocks my whole life. Hugo's right.
History = Dead People + Rocks

And why is there this big tear in my paper? Good job, Anna, give me ripped paper. [Right now, I'm referring to the big tear in the corner of my paper.]

I look around the room and everyone else is hard @ work, and then there's me. I hope it looks like I'm working hard on what I'm supposed to be doing, because I'm not.

What have I done? I've ruined everything. If only I took this class last year, then I would have done something. I would @ least have a C in this class. What happened psychologically to make me the way I am now?!

Hmm, maybe I should take psychology and not bad mouth it because I hate my therapist so much.

My therapist, oy vey. I hate that woman. I wish she never existed. Scratch that, I wish I never existed.

Oh no...........we're supposed to be getting something out so Mrs. Carley can come around and check it. Naturally, I don't have it!! This really sucks. She just came to me, not even expecting anything. Just a silent acceptance that I'm a slacker. I'm good for NOTHING. *sigh* Another dagger plunged into my heart.

What would Jesus do? Jesus wasn't troubled by these thing; he had much greater problems to bear, such as our sin. Does he bear my sin? For all those times I've sinned, is it another wound to Jesus? Oy vey, I'm going to Hell.


Dr. Lynch is so scary. His malicious eyes scrutinizing every little thing we do; his retentive mind soaking every piece of knowledge in like a sponge. I was terrified the day that he spoke to me one-on-one. I vowed to myself that I would from then on be a good student. What happened to that vow?! Why do I do this?! WHATS HAPPENED TO ME?! Why did I used to be one of the top students, and now Taylor Lively is smarter than I!

I need help, will anyone here this silent plea?

I think not.

Well, I hope God's happy. He screwed me over real well, didn't he? Is he rejoicing now? Or is this merely the first step towards my ultimate damnation?

I must stop blaming other people for my mistakes. It's my own fault. This is all my fault. I'm the one to take all the blame. I wish I would stop blaming other people for my mistakes.

Oh, I'm such a horrible, horrible person.

Not to mention I look even more horrible in comparison to my bestest friend. She's everything I am not + wish to be. This certainly and most definitely is not the only time I've yearned + wished to be her.

Ok, so when is Dr. Lynch going to get around to scheduling that conference with my mother? Who's the slacker now?

Well, at least there's no History to learn in Hell. I supposed being set on fire, drowning, bleeding, and being in mortal pain for eternity is better than learning about dead people and rocks.

My mother......what would she say? She hasn't even seen my progress reports yet. What will she punish me with when she finds out?!

But its not her fault. Its all mine......

And whatever happened to my vow for Lent? I need more good books! I'm so bad at keeping promises. But, that's obvious. How can such a horrible person like me be able to keep promises?! Words are so easy to break, forget, ignore, and forsake.

If all that I said about words is true, why bother speaking? Why bother writing? For once, I wish that when words fail me, thoughts would fail me too, because I know that whatever is next to come out of my mouth is going to be a lie. I wish to swallow my vocal chords and never be able to speak again.

I lied when I said that I hate sympathy. For, now, sympathy is something I would get down on my hands and knees and beg for.

It disappoints me how I know that soon, I'll be happy and laughing, with all these thoughts in a mere corner of my mind that I'd avoid.

Being right sucks.

and thats where it ends. Ashleigh read some of it, though. Now i want everyone to read it.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, March 17th, 2004

Subject:someone like me, there is not.
Time:8:41 pm.
Mood: lonely.
Music:family system by chevelle.
w00t. w00t.
i met up with katie this morning
and we went to dr lynch's room
marlee came, so i became nothing again
so i left

i went to chik fil a with emily
and had this delicious chicken biscuit
emily said she felt illegal

we had this awful sub in spanish
who couldnt pronounce anything correctly
i hated her

Lit. was nothing special

lunch was nothing special
well
andy actually participated
and it made me happy
alicia has this thing against andy
she seems to really hate him
i asked her why she's being so mean to him
and she said it was because he didnt include himself
....

band was blah
i liked the song we played however

biology was so cool!
we disected frogs, and it was just wonderful!

anthro was torture, once again

geometry was ok though

after that, we had pit orchestra
and i had fun
but, i couldnt play anything
i felt so talentless
i felt like nothing
i couldnt play a thing
and then i learned that this is emily's first year as a clarinet
and look how good she is....

i'm going to go cry now
i really want to talk to someone
but i dont know who will listen to me
....
no one wants to talk to me

oh, i'm nothing but a failure
i'm good at NOTHING

i need to cry to someone
i need to yell at someone
what i need right now, is someone like me.....
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, March 16th, 2004

Subject:sonrie
Time:10:58 pm.
Mood: peaceful.
Music:i've seen it all by bjork blah blah blah.
geometry is just so frickin frustrating!
as ashleigh would put it, it makes me want to shoot myself.
when i fall in love
i take my time
theres no need to hurry when i'm making up my mind
one day
i'm going to smile
and laugh
because i can look back
at these days
remember all the good things
and forget all the things i wont need
(like geometry and anthro)
and be happy
i'll either be on the radio
or on the tv
or you might read my work in the newspaper
and i'll be sitting at home
making pottery
listening to the music that i love so much
with a peaceful little smile on my face
as i let the suns fingers
tickle my cheeks
knowing life isn't as bad as it seems
i just need to learn to know
whats important and whats not
and those remnants of smiles
left on my face
will stay there forever
even when tears soften my face
those smiles will be there
i dislike the english word for smile
its not as pretty as the actual thing
its better in spanish, though not perfect
sonrie
not the foolish little smiles that mean nothing
i absolutely hate those
its this peaceful kind of happiness
that makes me feel like
i'm not troubled at all
and life is good
at least temporarily

this picture in my head
i see myself on the TV because i had taped myself on the news and was watching it
i'm wearing a pair of overalls stained with this and that
bandana in my plaited hair
white t-shirt
my hands are covered in clay, just how i like it
and the room is big
you see, the room was supposed to be a bedroom, but i turned it into more of a comfy room than a bedroom
and theres a tiny window that sunlight streams through
the walls are gray, but they are not bare
i give the walls as much flavor as the color gray can get
i'm not really paying attention to the tv as much as i'm listening to Jason Mraz's third album (which is currectly non-existant, but shhh this is my fantasy)
i'm far from the darkest corner, which is where i go to when i feel sad and i need to cry
yummy, i'm heating a hash brown from mcdonalds
and theres a far off look in my eyes
my hair has grown surprisingly long, seeing as i hadnt really cut it since my senior year in high school
bags under my eyes, but thats ok

i just wonder if this vision in true....
if this will be me.....
i hope so, because i really love that vision
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:shower = good
Time:8:52 pm.
Mood: refreshed.
Music:some song on that one cd by blink 182.
refreshed
good
talk to me
call me
i'm a slacker
got homework
and stuff
i secretely hate you
but shh
dont tell yourself
i dont want you to know
k?
k.
refreshed
good
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:7:59 pm.
Mood: bitchy.
Music:all the small things by blink 182.
yeah, so you care, you say.
you want to be my friend

WELL THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, BITCH
BECAUSE I'M NOT GETTING OFF OF MY ASS TO DO ANYTHING ANYMORE.
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BOTHERING WITH THINGS I SHOULDNT
AND NEGLECTING THINGS I SHOULDNT
AND GUESS WHAT. ITS ALL YOUR FAULT

yeah, you got something to say to me?
you want to be my friend?
you care about me?
PROVE IT

don't talk to me, don't touch me, don't look at me
not until you care
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:all those cool people with those cool livejournals...
Time:5:26 pm.
Mood: jealous.
Music:blink 182.
damn, how do they do it?
those people can just walk into a room full of the coolest people
and walk out with a groupful of friends!
how do they do it?
maybe, i should hang out with them more
and they'll introduce me to these people
or, their not shyness will rub off on me
i always picture myself waltzing into a new classroom
picking out the coolest looking people
and just walking over and calmly introduce myself
instead of sitting around waiting for things to happen
this really completely sucks
me being the way i am
how do i get friends?
i wish i could be one of those people
who have the limit of buddies on their buddy list
and everyone reads their journal
and they can call whomever
and they always have someone to talk to
people yearn to be their friend
why can't i just get past this shyness?
why can't i just walk up to people and not sit around waiting for something to happen?
i mean, thats what i did to befriend andy, isnt it?
geez, if i never went up to him in Lit, we wouldn't be friends
its kind of scary
if i did that with so many other people,
how many friends would i have?
why can't i do it with other people?
i need to stop that

danielle was kinda excluding me this morning
i wanted to talk with her
but she didnt really seem to care
i mean, jesus, i'm only trying to help
i'm only trying to be a good friend
i just got fed up and walked away

i wonder......how does she know chris?
i walked over to her, and she walked over to this big group of guys
and chris was in the middle
i thought maybe she knew someone who knew chris
surprise!
she tapped chris on the shoulder
he turned around, his head turned down because he was laughing
he looked me up and down
i like his eyes
he hugged danielle
and she told him a little bit about the matt situation
then we left
i hate these far-away crushes
they get me feeling paranoid that the person will think i'm a complete loser
that they or some of their friends might hear me talking about them
it really sucks.....
*sobs*

*burp*

ah well.....

spanish was full of Don Quixote de la Mancha

lit. was full of me sitting there killing my brain cells with sharpies

lunch was ok tho
it was mostly me being a nacho piggy
and alicia being a little immature

band was great
it was a lot of ben
and a lot of eric

biology was so boring

and so was anthro
in fact, i dont even believe i recall anthro at all today...

geometry was the usual
this girl asked mr grant
"who's jessica"
i turned around and said that i'm jessica
and she's like
"ooh, i called your name out yesterday a lot but no one answered"
i replied
"oh, i'm really sorry, i tend to not pay attention in this class"
mr grant looked at me with just shook his head with the weirdest grin on his face

the pep rally was ok
i sat with andy and chris
and in front of mich and sally
we sat on the sophomore side

i got on the bus, and there was this huge fight
between these four black girls
mr. bishop had to get on the bus
and drag all for of their black asses of the bus
i laughed and laughed
i had a grin on my face all the way home

andy's reading my excel saga manga
which is a very very good thing!
the more people i know into excel saga, the better
^_^

yeah, i think i'm done for right now
of course, i still feel sickly about my shyness
i feel like shooting myself for all those friends i could have had, but since i'm too shy, i'll never know them
god i'm such a fucking dumbass

...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, March 15th, 2004

Time:9:58 pm.
Mood: tired.
Music:no such thing by john mayer.
I want you to post anything that you want in reply to this entry.

Anything at all.

A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love, an opinion, a critique - anything. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you'd like.

Then, put this in your journal to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your journal) have to say.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i ask that you please do this. i would really like to know people's opinions of me, and how many people read this. all i ask is that this one time, you post, and you never have to post again if you dont want to. just once, please, it wont hurt you.
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Subject:i'm better off without you tearing my world down...
Time:6:40 pm.
Mood: blank.
Music:city love by john mayer.
maybe i shouldn't have said anything
twice i messed up
i hate it when i do that
and both times with the most critical person in my world....
why did i have to say anything at all?
that look of shock and disgust i saw when i said those words
made me wish i was never born
the attitude and air of superiority taken
made me feel like an insignificant piece of shit
the lack of attention made me feel like i should never speak again
for no one cares....

go back to sleep....
lay your head down child
i wont let the boogie man come

i felt like shit this morning
its hard to explain exactly how i felt today
i just felt like i didnt want to put up shit from no one
i felt like i didnt need any of these ppl
i had to get away
i needed to be isolated from the world
i wanted to go back under my covers and stay in bed all day long....

i need to see danielle
i want to spend time with danielle
danielle knows pain
danielle can understand
I DONT GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU FUCKERS THINK ABOUT DANIELLE. DANIELLE IS MY FRIEND, SHE ALWAYS HAS BEEN AND SHE ALWAYS WILL BE!
i'm crying for you danielle, can you see me crying?
can you feel them run down my cheeks, like i can?
i want to spend time with danielle
i want things to get better
is this what i've been waiting for?
someone else who knows the kind of pain i know?
someone else to undestand me?
someone else i can share my miserable life with?

i'm on the phone with you right now danielle
i love you
i care about you
i hope that this doesn't kill you
if it doesnt, you'll be stronger

matt, you jerk, how could you do this to danielle?
karma
karma
karma
the sooner you leave, the better
nothing against you personally, but by wounding danielle, you wounded me

anyways
spanish, i was so close to chris
wow
it was like
wow
i realized how big of an idiot i am to have these crushes
but i cant help it

Lit. was pretty good.
we found out that we have an extra weekend to do this thing
which is wonderful
we're getting together at jackie's house on sunday to film

lunch was bleh. i hated lunch. i hope it dies.
well, its not like it could get any better.....
so i shouldnt complain

band was ok
we listened to our recording
it was terrible
concert 1 got 3's
jessica sfintu gave herself 1's
because i'm just that good

biology was boring
it always is
ok, that was a lie
i love biology
especially this semester
last semester was a load of bullshit
this one is great
for biology i mean

anthro was so gay
i got bored
and i couldnt keep up
so i just started drawing
i really dont give a damn anymore
i'll prolly have to take a class over the summer
and my mom will get so mad
but i dont care

geometry
i was so tired
but circles are so easy
i like 'em

came home
danielle time
t'is not so good
matt = mean

done.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, March 14th, 2004

Subject:TAKE DA PEESHAAH WISS ZEE CAMELA PHOONAH!
Time:5:01 pm.
festival was just reliving memories and making new ones.
i saw stephanie there. she looks so pretty!
i got my shoe stuck, and ppl laughed at me.
i had good times, and i got my feelings hurt, too.
all in all, it was a nuetral experience.

amy spent the night that night
we went to olive garden and it was so yummy!
we messed around with the video cam. a lot
but it was fun
i was dead tired so i fell asleep quick
we went to the mall
i bought some excel saga manga
and i owe amy a dollar and five cents
i also bought a used Ace of Base cd, for two bucks!
i saw it, and i'm like, "what the heck, why not buy it?"
cuz i heard some good stuff about it
and it wouldnt be too much of a waste of money
and i found another piece of my childhood in that cd!
three songs that i remember loving and still do!
thats so awesome!
i also bought an arm band thingey that has that chick from the David and Goliath brand that says : twisted little heart
then i bought a whole bunch of pins from hot topic
oh, and i bought the arm band from hot topic
we also had our traditional smoothies
we didnt see anyone, but thats ok
after the mall, amy went home

the rest of the day was spent holed up in my room working on prettying up my jean jacket
i'm going to cut off that F i sewed on there and sew on "ACROSS"
haha that'd be so awesome
i watched a jimmy neutron marathon
hahah jimmy neutron is so cool!
sheen's definitely the coolest!

today i woke up at ten and thought that i only had an hour and half until i had to meet with nick and jackie
but i forgot that theres a whole hour starting with 1100
i'm such a genius
i washed my hair, dried it, and then straightened it
then i cleaned my room
after that, i met up with nick and jackie at JJ.
man, i miss that school
just looking at it from the outside brought back memories
we walked to nicks house
we worked on the project
something really really embarrassing happened that i really dont want to talk about
but it was ok
then we drove jackie home

and here i am now
i wanna go to the mall with Liz
but i doubt i could
oh well
i'm done
bye bye!

-bluUUe!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, March 9th, 2004

Subject:new old feelings
Time:8:46 pm.
Mood: blah.
Music:the real folk blues by yoko kanno and the seatbealts.
they're coming.....
they're coming.....
they're coming.....
THEY'RE COMING!!!!!
............................
they're back
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:No Stick. Me is o+, which looks like stick, but me no stick.
Time:7:44 pm.
Mood: mischievous.
Music:Freckles!.
What is your full name? Jessica de la Smoothie

1. Nicknames: Poopie, Cookie Dough, Seamonkey

2. Birthdate: 8/22/89

3. Age: -- 14

4. Sex: -- no stick

5. Social Security Number: -- no stick. i mean, um, i know it, but i'm not telling.

6. Where do you live? -- large intestine of a sperm whale

7. What school do you attend? -- SPRAYBERRY YEAH! CAMPBELL SUCKS!

8. Siblings and their ages? -- Tony *cough* and Gianny (pronounced Johnny) and i dunno how old they are. 20-something

9. Pets: -- Spot!

10. Zodiac Sign: -- Leo/Virgo

11. Righty or Lefty: -- the former

*********YOUR LOOKS*********

12. Hair color: -- chocolate

13. Eye color: -- CHOCOLATE IS NOT THE SAME THING AS BROWN!

14. Height: -- shorter than Bianka, taller than Amy, a few heads shorter than Andy, half a head taller than my mother

15. Do you wear contacts or glasses? -- the former

16. Do you have any piercings? -- .....maybe.....

17. Where do you want more if you do? -- tee hee hee

18. Do you have a tattoo? -- tee hee hee

19. If so what and where: -- heheheh

20. Do you wear any rings? -- cant stand 'em, i'm a bracelet person

21. Do you have a certain fashion you follow? -- if anyone calls me goth one more time, i swear i'm going to smack someone.....it just hurts me so much......i must go write angsty poetry now and hole myself up because no one loves me or understands me boo hoo i'm a fucking failure i'm going to hell because i worship Satan.

*********JUST LATELY**********

22. How are you today? pissy. haha i accidently typed pussy. hahaha no stick.

23. What pants are you wearing right now? my red striped pajama pants because i accidently spilled watermelon all over my blue striped ones

24. What shirt are you wearing right now? -- my fourth of july shirt from 2001 from old navy, and my grey hoodie on top

25. What underwear are you wearing right now? -- none. jk heheh my red l.e.i. ones

26. What does your hair look like at the moment? -- its in a pony tail because it annoyed me all day but i can never wear my hair up at school because my side profile is too ugly....

27. What song are you listening to right now? -- track three of the Proof Positive demo

28. What was the last thing you ate? -- chicken, and it was good.

29. How is the weather right now? -- *sings* i wanna see it painted, painted, painted BLACK! haha its gray.

30. Last person you talked to on the phone: -- uhhh....eric? danielle?

31. Last dream you can remember: -- that one dream where i married that one kid who i'm not going to tell who he is, and i'm positive you know who he is, and it was weird....and you were there, too.

32. Who are you talking to right now? -- Susanne via IM

33. What time is it? --shirtless o'clock

************MORE ABOUT YOU**************

34. What are the last four digits of your phone number? -- 678-797-1797 CALL ME!

35. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? -- bright green when im happy, uh black i guess when i'm depressed

36. Do you like the person that sent you this? -- shyeah! why else would i have a shrine to her in my room?! jk jk heheh

37. How do you eat an Oreo: -- hahaha that reminds me of that time when i played The White Stuff by Weird Al at my dad's house and he thought it meant something else....

38. What's the next CD you are going to buy? -- Kill Hannah, Best of RHCP, Coldplay, The Offspring, or HIM, and theres prolly some more that i forgot.......

39. What religion/denomination are you? -- agnostic

40. What's the best advice ever given to you? -- what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger

41. Have you ever won any special awards? -- yes, i won a coloring contest in kindergarten. I colored inside the lines!

42. What are your future goals? -- pass my classes with a 75 or higher, and to make Sym 2 next semester, so i have to get practicing.......

43. Do you like to dance? -- l love watching Emily dance! She's got her own way of dancing that makes you just feel.......happy! but uh, yeah, but i cant do it well.

44. Worst sickness you ever had? -- well, it certainly wasn't "depression" *coughcough*

45. What's the stupidest thing you have ever done? every time i do something stupid, it feels like the stupidest thing i've ever done, but the latest one was getting a crush on andy, because we all know it goes nowhere.

46. What's your favorite memory? -- *sobs* orlando....

47. What one thing would you change about yourself? --everything

48. Where do you shop the most? -- Smoothie King......its shopping! i buy stuff!

49. How many kids do you want to have? -- irunno

50. Son's name? -- Wictor! I'd call him Wicky-wicky for short!

51. Daughter's name? -- irunno

52. Do you do drugs? -- no stick

53. Do you drink? - apple juice good.....hangover baaaaad.

54. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use? -- various

55. What sport do you hate the most? -- FOOTBALLG UGH

56. What are you most scared of? -- being alone, having to be independant

57. How many TV's do you have in your house? -- three

58. Do you have your own phone line? -- ha i wish

59. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? -- mmhm

60. Have you ever broken/sprained/or fractered a bone? -- yeah, not fun. scarred me for life, literally.

61. Who do you tell your dreams to? -- whoever asks

62. Who's the loudest friend you have: --- ....me? irunno.

63. Who's the quietest friend you have: -- two: Emily and Susanne, but once you befriend her, you find one of the most interesting persons....oh, and, Andy tends to be pretty quiet sometimes.....

**********************JUST QUESTIONS*******************

64. Is cheerleading a sport? -- i honestly dont care.....

65. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a lollypop? i tend to bite the lollypop. i dont have the patience to sit there for two hours counting every lick. i have better things to do.

66. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? -- oops, my bad.....

******************YOU AND LOVE************************

67. Do you believe in love? -- well......well......well..........maybe........

68. Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? -- ....wellll.....well.........no......

69. Do you have a crush? -- .............

70. Who is your crush? -- ..........

71. Did you send this to your crush? -- no, this is on blurty, anyways.......

72. Do you believe in love at first sight? -- irunno. never happened to me before, so i wouldnt know.

73. Where do you want to go on your honeymoon? the bermuda traingle.

74. What song do you want played at your wedding? -- the smurf techno remix! nah, i'm jp. irunno, havent thought about it.....

75. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? -- "stick? stick? big stick?" hahaha nononono i'm jp, i notice if they're asian or not hehe and then after that, i dont really look at much, id rather get to know them, and look into their eyes. eyes are so awesome.

76. Longest crush: -- i think its a tie between Josh Eswine and Taylor Lively.

77. Are you shy to ask someone out? -- YES!!!

78. What happened to question 78? Andy ate it.

79. Do you find yourself attractive? -- fuck no

80. Do you find yourself ugly? -- fuck yes

81. Do others find you attractive? -- of course not, they just lie and tell me that i'm pretty to make me stop whining and to feel better, but i'm smarter than they are, haha!

82. Are you a virgin? -- ..............yes.

***********************Which is worse************************

83. Making out with Marilyn Manson or Rob Zombie? HEY! are you saying there's something wrong with them?! fuck you guys.

84. Having your tonsils or appendix removed? -- no..........STICK!


*********ON GUYS FOR GIRLS TO FILL OUT (for girls only)*********

85. Boxers or briefs: -- let me see that thooooooooooong, i like the way your booty go.........that thong tho-thong thong thong! hahahahaha JK! i really dont care. Boxers are fun though. especially cause you can call 'em boXors

86. Long or short hair: -- hair is hair. as long as its not stubble. i mean, i dont mind bald, but stubble heads are just annoying.

87. Curly or straight: -- it doesnt matter.

88. Tall or short: -- as long as they're taller than me, which is the majority of guys our age.....

89. Six pack or muscular arms: -- i really could care less about muscle. in fact, a little chub here and there isn't too bad on my ideal guy, heheh.

and why do the guys get to answer so many more questions than the girls?!? because guys are shallow and materialistic and are all idiots.

*********ON GIRLS FOR GUYS TO FILL OUT (for guys
only)******** (jessica's note: but what if you're bi?!?!?!

90.
91.
92.
93.
95. Dark or blonde hair: --
96. Long or short hair: --
97. Curly or straight hair: --
98. Dark, light, or crazy cool eyes: --
99. Long or short nails: --
100. Hat or no hat: --
101. Good or bad girl? --
102. Hair up or down: --
103. Jewelry or none: --
104. Tall or short: --
105. Accent or no accent: --
106. Pants or dress: --
107. Tan or fair: --
108. Glasses: --
109. Pretty indoor chick or crazy party chick: --
110. Freckles or none: --
111. Shy or outgoing: --
112. Funny or always cool: --
113. Talkative or shy: --

*************************PICK ONE:**************************

114. Lights on/off? -- oo! oo! off! with candles and my red lamp!

115. Snow, sun or rain: - definitely rain, as long as i dont get my hair wet and then have to see someone who i dont trust to see me uglier than usual.

116. McDonald's or Burger King: - chicken

117. Scary or happy movies: -- scary movies w. guys, any other movie with friends. but it really doesnt matter, i'd go see any movie with anyone. except maybe anything with mandy moore, britney spears, hilary duff or that other chick who was in freaky friday. they all suck and i look forward to seeing them in hell, really.

118. Backstreet Boys or N'SYNC: -- well, actually, i found out today that Bianka likes the Backstreet Boys! i. did. not. know! but uh, neither.

119. On the phone or in person: -- definitely in person, because you can look into each others eyes and its just much better.......i tend to hate talking on the phone.....

120. Paper or plastic: -- rubber, hahahah no jp, plastic is fun to set on fire, except it smells like ass afterwards

121. Sasauge or pepperoni: -- pinapple

122. Summer or winter: -- fall

123. Hugs or kisses: -- both, but with kisses you need the right setting, and hugs are perfect for anywhere.

124. Chocolate or white chocolate: -- almonds

125. Root Beer or Dr. Pepper: -- Sierra Mist or Sprite

126. Glass half full or half empty: -- completely empty

127. CD or Tape: --OMG THE SHINY!

128. Tape or DVD: -- OMG THE SHINY!

129. Cats or Dogs: -- ponies

130. Mud or Jell-O wrestling: -- Jell-O!

131. Vanilla or Chocolate: -- peanut butter cups!

132. Skiing or skateboarding: -- i cant say, i've never done either.

133. Day or night: -- i've become a morning person

134. Cake or pie: -- pie is niiiiiiiiiiice.

135. Silver or gold: -- silver.

136. Diamond or pearl: -- i really dont care for rocks and something that irritated an oyster.

137. Sunset or sunrise: -- both

******************WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE******************

138. Color: -- purple and red! they look so cool together!

139. Food: -- smoothies and donuts!

140. Fast Food: -- Smoothie King! I eat it really fast!

141. Candy: -- starburst, wink wink

142. Beverage: -- Smoothie

143. Ice Cream Flavor: -- Smoothie

144. Sport: --blitzball!

145. Animal: -- humans are fun to play with!

146. Type of music: -- ROCK, techno, 90s, jason mraz, jazz, j-pop, j-rock, etc

147. Radio Station: -- New Rock and 90s Alternative, 99X! 96.7 sucks! I'm anti-Clear Channel!

148. Song: -- Inside Out by Eve 6

149. Band: -- A Perfect Circle

150. Number: -- 4, 14, 6, 1462, 2, 22

151. Actor or Actress: -- Actor: Takeshi Kaneshiro......Actress: Tara Strong

152. Day of the year: -- Bianka's birthday!

153. Month: - August and September

154. TV Show: -- Excel Saga!

155. Store: -- Smoothie King!

156. Scent: -- laundry and Smoothie King and AXE! omg the Axe!

157. Teacher: -- Mr. Grant!

158. Board Game: -- Spin the Bottle!

159. Saying: -- " 'Ey! You make-a me bleeeeeed!" --Ugly Puchuu after being smacked, before dying, episode four of Excel Saga, Love Puny

**********************HAVE YOU EVER***********************

160. Loved someone? -- .......no comment.

161. Drank? -- hahah i remember that one time at Liz that I was about to take my first shot, so I sipped it omg it was gross......

162. Ever gotten dumped? -- ......yes

163. Broke the law? -- hahahahahahaaaaa! yes! omg yes!

164. Ran from the cops? -- hahahahahahaaaaa! yes! omg yes!

165. Stole something? -- yeah

166. Tried to kill yourself? -- yeah

167. Made yourself throw up? -- definitely

168. Been in love? -- ......no comment.

169. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? -- i can't make myself cry, sometimes the tears just come out on their own. i can never make myself cry

********************ON A FINAL NOTE************************

170. Do you like filling these out? -- on the occasion

171. How many people are you sending this to? -- no one, its in my blurty

172. Do you want your friends to write back? -- i wouldnt mind, but i doubt anyone will, seeing as this is going in my BLURTY......duuuh

173. Who is least likely to respond? -- God

174. Who is most likely to respond? -- no one

175. What first comes to mind? -- i have to pee, and how much does a lyposuction cost?
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, March 8th, 2004

Subject:i'm going to hell......
Time:10:03 pm.
Mood: blah.
Music:i'm holding my own.
i'm such a dipshit.
and a liar.
no, not a liar, just........fickle.
i hate being fickle.
i dont want to be fickle.
i dont want to have these stupid crushes.
i dont want to let my imagination run away, thinking shallow thoughts
then why do i do it?
damn me
damn me to hell
but then, i open another eye, and see how it could be
but then i open my mind
and see that it never will

no es facil para abrir el corazon de algien que no quire enamorarse nunca mas......

i'm going to hell.....
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:oops!
Time:9:24 pm.
Music:i believe in a thing called love by the darkness.
i realized that i had forgotten to write about the brent thing in the first entry.
ok, well, it turns out, after hanging out with him, katie, dr lynch, and mr d, after all those morning, and that time i kneed him in the balls, he never knew my name....bastard.

anyways.

liz told me to call. so i called. it turns out that we won the contest we entered as a joke. as a joke... but it was funny too. we said we were lesbians, and that she was like 20 something and i was over 60. it was great. and we actually won. well, its prolly just another scam, but still. i'm not going to tell her that. it would break her momentary happiness. ^_^

i really wonder about katie sometimes. i really do wish we could be better friends, but she just doesnt seem to want to allow it to happen.....but she's my friend, and i can relate with her to a sense, and i'll always stand up for her, because ppl frequently like taking cheap shots at her, and i've gone through this with keru, i can do it for katie.

i love my friends so much! i really hope they know that. yeah, even you, Andy.

omg, i forgot to add one major important thing to my list: BRYCE
its so easy to forget him, now that he's out of my life.....

if you ever need to throw up on me, my shirt is always available..

^_^

it would be nice to be someones shoulder to cry on for once.

ah well, i'm going to go write a note to danielle, and then re-read the convo i saved of when i told Andy that I liked him as more than a friend

Ja ne!

-Cookie Dough
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:what eighth grade meant to me.
Time:8:49 pm.
Mood: nostalgic.
Music:love is only a feeling by the darkness.
you know, i do believe that i've read IT so many times now, that I've memorized parts of it. ^_^
re-reading it again after a while brings back memories of eighth grade.

eighth grade was:

a grey hoodie
making fun of mrs stevens teeth
A's and B's
first band
Taylor
the cookies!
block schedule
making fun of sixth graders
getting to know eric
laughing at amy's misfortunous crush
chatting with An and Stephanie in science
inside jokes
feeling like i belong
inuyasha and yugioh!
hip bumps from bianka
shy smiles
lots and lots of makeup
I'M WITH STUPID all over Keru's agenda
carefree innocence
wild daydreams about high school
hating florencia because she was beautiful
band!
not knowing all these people, and not really caring
full-length lockers
being asked out by Tim
rubbing Andrew Tomey's hair and calling him Fuzzy
drama club!
when i gave up my belief in God
algebra was my biggest problem
candy from mrs dawson every morning
only having to worry about one hallway
looking forward to even number days
seeing mrs hoefling every single day
learning and hating georgia history
my first middle school PE class
orlando
shonen jump!
jason mraz!
SEAMONKEYWRATH
monks turn me on....
looking forward to a summer that i wished would never end
jakey, bran, mike, and zach
toaster strudels
anime forums
kazaa
hair straighteners
saxophone challenges
getting ready hor high school, but not really believing that its actually happening
denying that i would be seperated from my best friends next year
trying to hook up Eric and Alicia
being hounded by adrian
happiness
living life simple
seeing for the first time in my life: punks and preps and "chocolate people" all in one school
long auburn hair
CLEAN band locker room
trying my hardest to be near taylor
making jokes about michael and taylor being gay together
blue t-shirts with "daniell middle school band" on them
daydreams
icebreakers
penguins
getting used to contacts
clearasil, black eyeliner, and silver eyeshadow
yugioh cd

and so much more.....
i miss eighth grade.
i want to go back
i want to breathe the stale air of memories not at all forgotten
revisit all those places that just haunt my memories now
waltz into the classroom
and relive old memories
where not caring ruled my world
and sliding by was my bible
someone please, take me back, help me remember, let me relive those days and never let them slip through my fingers again....
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Blurty for Philosophy In A Tea Cup.

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