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Thursday, May 19th, 2005
11:21 pm
dear diary,
I hate being alive, yet I don't want to die. Death is pretty scary. I wonder if I will ever come to terms with the fact that one day, I won't be here anymore. That's the most utterly unpleasant thought that I've ever had. I hate thinking about death but sometimes when I am disgusted with my life, I wonder if I would be better off dead, of course, I ALWAYS opt for living, and when I think that, I'm not really thinking I have an option. It's not like I'm actually contemplating suicide, it's really just that I wish I could be a numb for awhile and not feel all the stress and emotions that boggle me down on a day to day basis. I guess I could turn to drugs, like some people...nah...drugs are expensive and I'm in enough financial despair right now. Besides, I'm scared of drugs because I'm scared to die.

Of course, today, I realized that to continuing with my life the way it is now is also one of the most utterly disgusting thoughts I've ever had. I've been trying for months to get some sort of help with medical bills, to no avail. Man, the only way you can get assistance in my state is if you quit your job and turn into a baby machine. Yep, the state rewards you fantastically for that kind of shit, but if your a productive, tax paying citizen who is temporarily having a hard time FORGET IT!!! You're screwed, meanwhile, spend MY tax money to feed and house and pay for some skank ass ho to have her 15 kids, thanks.

So, anyway, I decided that I'm going back to school. I haven't decided exactly what I'm taking yet, but I'm pretty sure it will be something like medical coding/transcription or medical office management. I'm hoping my best friend goes to school with me because we've been talking for awhile about starting our own business together and this would be a great way to start and the biggest bonus is that it's not dealing with the general public whatsoever. One of our clients at the answering service we manage is a psychologist and he has told us that he'd like to start a business and have us run it for him and maybe if we do this, he could give us the financial footing we need to start. The only bad part of that is that if we rely on him for the financial aspect then it will not really be OUR business, so that is a little different than what we are aiming for. Although, no matter what, the best part is that we can work from home. Working for home is a HUGE dream in my life. Hopefully, if when I complete this schooling with or without the good doctor's help, that dream will come to true.

Well, there's not a lot else really to update on, and I guess that's not so bad, because if nothing changes then there's less of a chance something really bad happened, right? And, hopefully, the next time I check in, I will be enrolled into my course already.

cha!

current mood: determined

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Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
10:44 pm
ugh. I have been SOOO incredibly sick since saturday. I've had some sort of ridiculous stomach virus. I think I may die. I can barely move my body. My lips are white. I think that can't be good.

love always,

the girl with the rotavirus.

current mood: lethargic
current music: chayanne, something i can't pronounce

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Thursday, April 28th, 2005
12:11 am
I just wanted to say tonight that I HATE ignorant people so fucking much. I mean, there are a some things in life that you can't help sometimes, like money problems, family issues, broken down car, bad hair days, sinusitis, cancer...etc. BUT, there is never any excuse for ignorance and stupidity.

And speaking of hate, I know i'm gonna go on a rant here, but riddle me this...I'm a decent, self-sufficient citizen of the "good ole" USA, state of Georgia. I pay my taxes like every other legal citizen of this country and my state. I would like to know why I can't find medical assistance anywhere In this state? I mean, If I were an illegal alien, fresh across the fucking border, I'd get better medical treatment (considering, right now I can't get any), provided my my tax money and yours too. And I'm not saying this as a throw off to anyone from another country. I'm a middle-low income, single parent who works far more than I should, just to try to make ends meet and I'm barely holding it together. My job provides me with no medical insurance whatsoever. I can't afford to pay $150-200 a month for an individual policy. Now, in my state, children in families in my same income bracket are eligible for a state funded medical program, which I pay $10 a month for, and it's a GREAT program. But, I think that it should go without saying that if these children are eligible for medical care through this program, based on MY income, that child's parents may also need some sort of medical program, along the same lines. But there's nothing for us, whatsoever. AND I guarantee, If I quit my job and did nothing but be a sorry sack of shit then I could get medical care, some food stamps, maybe even a gov't check. So, I feel like I'm being punished for trying to be a responsible citizen and a decent human being. I just don't get it and I'm FUCKING IRATE about it. This country takes better care of immigrants and illegals than it's own citizens, and for what...? To look so high and mighty to every other country in the world, it's all FAKE and I hate it. I understand why so many other countries look down on us. It's such a fake, arrogant place to be. And, yet, I can think of no other place better to be. ACK!

This weekend I'm writing a strongly worded letter to my state senator and the governor. And, I'm sure it won't make any difference in the world, but I don't care as long as I get it off my chest, because I'm sure there are so many parents out there in my exact situation and we don't deserve to be treated like this. So, now we're at the end of my rant. HAHAHA

It was a beautiful day in Augusta today, I wish everday was as awesome. And I can't believe Constatine got the boot from American Idol (one of my few guilty pleasures). Scott should've been the one! Well, I'm off to dreamyville now. Maybe I'll dream of overthrowing the gov't and legalizing marijuana and starting a medical program and sentencing all stupids and ingorants to manual labor camps. bwaaahaahaa.

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Monday, April 25th, 2005
7:50 pm - head buried in the sand???
So, I'm off work today and tomorrow. I'm going tomorrow to apply for another job. The thing about searching for a job AND being using "herbal medicines" is that, well, it's hard. ROFL one or the other has got to stop. I need to finish off this stash I have and then go clean for awhile, so that's what i'm gonna do. Getting a better job is definitely more meaningful to me than getting high. But I do love the smokey treats...*sigh*

I'm also going to apply for this small paper route, it's only one day a week, but don't really want to do much more side work than that anyway. I just need a little extra money to help make my car insurance payments, UGH! Anyway, I think that would be sufficient to help me out. But the other job I'm applying for is also at the company that has this paper route job, I'm also applying there for an office position they have.

I had another weird dream yesterday, not really a prophetic dream, I HOPE, but I was at the beach and I was in semi-shallow water. I purposely went under for some reason and when I did, the sand somehow covered my head under the water. The sand was SO heavy and I didn't have the strength to pull my head out. I remember thinking, one of my legs is sticking straight up out of the water and I should try to kick it back and forth to get someones attention, but then I told myself, no one is going to pay attention, they're just going to think i'm playing around. So, my next thought is, "this is it, I'm about to die", but still trying to get the heavy, wet sand off my head so that I could escape the water. The next thing I know, I woke up SO HARD! ROFL I was pushing the top part of my body off the bed with my hands and apparently, I was actually holding my breath in my sleep, because, I was literally gasping for air so hard, as if, I actually had been holding my breath under water for too long. It was really, really creepy. I hope it doesn't happen ever again!

Well, guess that's it for now. Have a "sweet" day!

current mood: calm

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Friday, April 22nd, 2005
11:11 am
well, i got reminded by a fellow Blurtian yesterday that I should update, since January was my last time. I'm never good at keeping up with this...I ALWAYS promise myself that I'm gonna be faithful to my blog...but for some reason, I am sidetracked constantly. Not that it matters any, since nothing in my life really changes. The "proverbial" rut!

My kid is still driving me nuts, although, some days are better than others. I'm sure it's just a phase, due to her age. 14...raging hormones, changing body, wanting to be independant...that old chestnut, man, this is the time when I wish I had a boy!!!

So a couple of weeks ago, she was on my nerves and I was already in bed and it was already like 10:30pm. She just kept coming in my room bugging me about how bored she was and she wouldn't leave me alone and let me relax. So, I was like...FUCK! WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO????????? Then I kept giving her suggestions and she was like...scared, I think...LOL because she thought I was losing my mind, which, at that point, was probably right on target. So anyway, I was like fine..you wanna do something, get dressed we're going to the beach RIGHT NOW! We'll go watch the sunrise and drive back home...hell, it's only 3 hours one way, fuck it. So we went. It was cool, the moon was blood red at the edge of the earth when we got there. You could see it barely hanging above the horizon, sooo fucking beautiful. We sat on the boardwalk at 4am looking at it and watching the falling stars. The wind was blowing so hard and it was COLD. There was this drunk, long haired guy sitting on the steps that lead up to the boardwalk playing his acoustic guitar singing Nirvana and Black Crows songs and it was a pretty cool scene. Of course, there wasn't many people there at 4am but more than I expected to run into. We got tired and so we went to the car and slept until time for the sunrise. After that we decided to start driving home. GAWD! I was soooooo tired. I had to stop in this one town and park behind this doctor's ofc, which was closed and sleep for a bit because there was no way i could make it back without a nap.

That trip made me want to be so much more spontaneous. I love being spontaneous. It's just that usually, I'm too broke to live in the moment. Not much else to report on. Oh, oh, oh...this weird thing did happen though, with my dreams. You see, I've always been amazingly fascinated by my dreams. And I can always tell when my dreams mean something important to my life or when they're just "junk dreams" as I often refer to the ones that don't relay a feeling of major importance. Many of my dreams have come true in weird ways, some of which, I believe are coincidences, some of which I believe are plain and simply, prophetic dreams. So, like a month and a half ago, I had this one dream where I was in a home that was my home in my dream, except different than my actual home. It was a mobile home and it was in the middle of this huge field. I was looking thru the front door, which was open, and the wind was blowing really hard and the sky was dark, like a thunderstorm was about to happen. Well, all of a sudden I see this tornado in the distance and everyone runs for cover. After the tornado passed, which missed us, i was looking out the front door again and I see this kid hopping toward us and his foot is almost blackend and he says that he got stuck by lightning and I take him in and take care of him. (oddly his foot was the only thing affected by the lightning strike). Well the night after that...my best friend called me and she was crying and upset because she had fallen down and hurt her foot really bad and it ripped her entire big toenail off in one fell swoop and it bled tremendously and she was almost hysterical. ok...that's dream prophecy #1, that I admit could be coincidental.

Next...like 2 days after this, I have this dream that I went to visit some family and friends that live in a small town that I used to live in. So, these friends that I was visiting happened to be these gay guys (which is weird, because I have no idea who these gay guys were in real life, I didn't know any when I lived there). One of the guys tells me he has to go away but that the other guy needs me to stay and take care of him or at least this is my interpretation, because he seems to be needy of me somehow, almost in a childlike way. Well, the next thing I know, I'm jerkin' off this gay guy, but it doesn't seem sexual for some reason, it seems like a maternal thing...it's SOOO weird...and I know it sounds sick but my name is Miss Dementia! Ok, so while i'm jerkin' the guy off, I notice that there seems to be something wrong with his "junk" and I take a closer look and it's all covered in puss and red...EWWWWW! LMFAO I wake up. ok, the same day I wake up from this dream my best friend takes her baby to the doctor. He's 6 months old at that time. He isn't circumsized. They check his little "tally" and he's got an infection in the foreskin....YUCK...but ok, that's dream prophecy #2. Is this merely a coincidence????

Next. like 2 days after this, I have this dream that I'm with my mom somewhere and we run into these two friends of hers that we haven't seen in EONS! So long, in fact, that until this dream, I had forgotten we even knew these people. The two friends don't know each other in real life either, which, was kind of odd to me, since they were in my dream at the same time. Anyway, I don't recall a great deal about this dream, except that we ran into them after all these years and we hung out for a while and maybe had dinner and reminisced or something. But again, this dream wouldn't leave my head after waking up from it. I kept meaning to tell my mother about it, because I thought she may find it fascinating as well, but about 3 days passed by and I kept forgetting to tell her. On the third day after the dream, my mom got a phone call from her brother, who told her that one of the people from my dream had made contact with him, somehow, and that he was trying to contact my mom....I TOTALLY FREAKED OUT as I was hearing this, so much so, that I starting crying because...well, i'm not really sure why, other than It was just too much for me to grasp that this happened to me three times in one week. that's dream prophecy #3.

Now, those weren't the only times this has happened to me. But the only time it happened three times in one week. So, I have this fear now, of having dreams that are gonna come true, especially if they are bad.

Anyway, I love dreams, I love dreaming, I love to hear about other people's dreams. It's so fascinating how the brain works.

Well, I guess this is enough for now! Hell, I feel like i've just written a novel.

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Thursday, January 13th, 2005
11:32 pm - Misery Junkie
WHEN I FIND MYSELF ALONE I KNOW I'M NEVER GOING HOME
I MAKE THE CHANGES THE CHANGES THAT I NEED
BUT I NO LONGER KNOW HOW TO PRAY
AND I'M LIVING IN A DOG TOWN AND IT'S A DALMATION PARADE
I CHANGE MY SPOTS, OVER AND OVER
BUT THEY NEVER SEEM TO FADE AWAY
NOW I AM THE LAST REMAINING INDIAN
LOOKING FOR THE PLACE WHERE THE BUFFALO ROAM
IN AUGUST AND EVERYTHING AFTER, MAN THEM BUFFALO AIN'T NEVER COMING HOME

sometimes i think that i am destined to be miserable. then i think....is destiny a real thing...or just some simple concept some made up...to explain things away like we are so good at all the time. what is destiny?
The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined; one's lot.
A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control: “Marriage and hanging go by destiny” (Robert Burton).
The power or agency thought to predetermine events.
yeah, i suppose i believe that. but why? possibly, my destiny was chosen by the ones that brought me into this world. since i firmly believe that they made me what i am today. which, i suppose, all things considered, isn't so horrible.

maybe i'm addicted to misery. like heroin. maybe i've felt that way for so fucking long that i don't feel alive unless i'm feeling torchered and happiness is something i've only read about in a book or seen on tv but one of those things that just doesn't happen to people like me. wow...i'm a misery junkie. but if i could just have a taste of ecstasy i may never look back...*sigh*

to be continued...

current mood: gloomy
current music: k's choice - addict

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8:11 pm
Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you will help them become what they are capable of becoming.
- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

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Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
11:10 pm - Emotional Sponge
man. why do i live with so much guilt? guilt for my own life...guilt for what other people do. guilt for feelings i have. it adds so much more stress to my life. why do i somehow manage to take responsibility for other people's actions that have nothing to do with me? i think my problem is that i FEEL TOO MUCH. i feel everyone elses feelings and moods. i'm an emotional sponge. this is not a good way to go through life, but like with everything else in my life, i have no control over it. and oddly enough, i can barely be responsible for my own actions...much less anyone else's...LOL

things at my office suck. i'm a fucking manager? i can barely manage my own damn life much less an entire business and it's employees. what a joke. that entire office is a joke anyway. i want out of that place so damn bad. the thing is, i've got a pretty questionable work history. i've been at this place for 3yrs now. i'm 33yrs old. it's the longest job i've ever had. i started at the bottom there and i'm at the top level now. no more moving up, i'm as high as i will ever be. i have no benefits and the pay really does suck so bad. i should be making at least 3 or 4 bucks more an hour, maybe more. the management above me are crackheads, i swear. there's no concept of organization whatsoever. i have no clue how that company has been in business for so damn long. they pay so minimal that we can't find good help. and when if we did, after a few months of dealing with the nonsensical bullshit there, they would leave. but anyway, my point is, i want to leave but i have major guilt about doing it, first of all. second, i'm so embarrassed about my 1)looks 2)work history that i always talk myself out of looking for work 3)things are really laid back in my office. i rarely have to dress up, i can usually take off when i need to. it's easy work, aside from the fact that i hate stupid people and i have to deal with about 500 of them a day. but i think the easiness of it is a lot of what is holding be back too. i am scared of going into a regular, organized work environment again. that i may not be able to adapt because i'm so used to how things are now AND i won't be the boss at a new place...is that wrong? well, i guess that's enough about work.

"you should make ammends with you, if only for better health, but if you really want to live then why not try and make yourself" by incubus...words to live by?

current mood: discontent
current music: modest mouse-night on the sun

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Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
11:06 pm - I thought this was for 18+
man...i'm starting to hate this site...every damn journal i peek at is a damn kids journal...i thought this site was for adults only...that's why i joined.

i'm trying so hard to fight the urge to have a bowl of frosted mini-wheats. but all these damn kids journals are pushing me over the edge...LMAO.

so, tonight i watched "the biggest loser, season finale", of course, i haven't watched one single regular show of it...but, gay as i am...i cried. because, i was so happy for them...they did such wonderful things, and i know personally, what a huge struggle it is. i hate being fat. it's hard going through life when the outside of your body doesn't match what is inside. and then you want to change your body...but, you have to give up everything that you've relied on for so long. it's not like when you quit smoking or quit a drug...you don't always have to be faced with the drug or cigarette because you remove yourself from those situations where you would normally be around that...but with food...you have to have it to live...every single day, your entire life. so it's a constant battle to choose the right things. then on top of that exercise...*gasp* this is a torture...ok...well, it's not really a torture...and if i can ever get started, then i do fine...but it's so hard to motivate myself...i'm constantly stressed with work and raising a highly spirited kid...when i get home, i just want to veg out...not work out. i don't know how i will ever overcome this. and i have to do it soon, i'm 33 now. i have displayed signs of high blood pressure and early signs of diabetes. i smoke cigarettes and the occasional j. i love to eat. period. paragraph.

save me from myself. i wish i could just make myself do it. i am so weak. i am so gross. i am so sick. i am so ugly. i am so lonely. i am so empty. this is no way for a decent human to live.

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Monday, January 10th, 2005
10:13 pm
ok, so i wake up and hour and a half after i went to sleep last night...due to a horrible nightmare. i'm sweating and breathing heavy..the whole bit. i finally go back to sleep. then when it's time to get up for work...as soon as my eyes pop open, i realize that i don't have the key to unlock the door and get in. frantically, i try and try to call my best friend and assistant mgr...no answer, mind you, however, it's 5:15am...i call her at least one billion times...NO ANSWER....EEEEK! i'm pissed at this point because she should be answering, since she's on call....then i end up having to call my night operator and wake her up in order to get a key...i felt horrible...having to get her up. i'm sure she was quite happy about this also. ok...then to add insult to injury...i had to go to the dentist...that's just f*cking great.

A day in the life.

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Saturday, January 8th, 2005
10:00 pm - Almost Bedtime
So, the day is about to end for me. Back to work tomorrow, I have to get up at 5am...that's a shitty way to start a sunday morning, wouldn't you agree?

Anyway...I have felt like dogshit all freaking day, although, thankfully no more vomitting. Just a mammoth sized headache which seems to be passing now that it's almost bedtime.

I just joined the p.a.s.h. community, sounds like a community that i need to belong to because i have a roomie that i can't wait to vent about...he is quite a shithead.

Well, so far I've fulfilled my prophecy that I would not stick to any half-assed resolution that I made. I'm such a piece of shit in some ways...it's a good thing that i'm so totally cool in every other way...haha! No really, I'm not joking. ok...maybe i am a little.

Well, nothing really new to report on today or get off my chest so I'm out of here. Have a good night whoever you are that may be reading this.

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4:36 pm - out of body experience!?!?
so, while indulging in a smokey treat last night...i had this awesome experience. i was listening to my fav. band, known as INCUBUS, and was totally in the "zone." I closed my eyes and was imagining that my body was liquid and the music was a giant vessel that contained me and every sound from the music sent waves through me (the liquid) and it was nothing short of awesome and i wish i could feel that way all the time. Except the part like an hour after that when i suddenly got severly nauseaous and then violently vomitted and then i had to drive home desperately trying not to vomit in my car and i barely made it into my bathroom at which time i let the wrath of that days meal loose again. That part was VERY short of awesome.

current mood: crappy

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Friday, January 7th, 2005
12:14 am
how freakin retarded is it that i spelled D-I-E in my last post as D-Y-E??

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Thursday, January 6th, 2005
12:51 am
what kind of music are you? Take the quiz: "What Kind of Music Are You? :::pics:::"

Metal
You're about as hardcore as they come. Music is your passion and you listen to it for talent not because it's popular. You probably have a lot of respect for all artforms and you like classical piano. Slipknot definitely sucks in your eyes...and for good reason. Any band who takes the time to put on make-up and masks just isn't worth your respect.

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12:32 am
hi blog and bloggers.

I'm ending another fruitless day. Maybe not so fruitless...i take everything for granted, I suppose. Hell, I reckon that I could be jobless, homeless, penniless...oh wait...I AM penniless! Seems like the bills are just coming out of nowhere...they're all like Emeril style...like BAM!

*gasp*

Oh well, I guess we all got problems, eh? I am thankful for most everything in my life though. I have a good daughter and a great best friend, a nice home and a new car. A semi-ok job...that could always pay more for my services rendered...haha. I guess the only other thing i need is a good man. I'm afraid i'm gonna dye a lonely old hag...just old and bitter. That is one of my biggest fears in life. It's weird because the one thing i want most, a companion, is also what i want least...how fucking retarded is that....ack! I need to start therapy again.

good night.

current mood: ditzy

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Thursday, December 30th, 2004
12:30 am
work, eat, sleep, shit. day in, say out.

the people that work under me never cease to amaze me with their sorry-ness. is that a word?

so, anyway...my child has been gone to her dads for almost a week. i miss her. i wish she would call.

aqua teen hunger force is pretty funny, am i the last person in the world to discover this delicious cartoon??? probably, i'm always the last one to know.

good night.

current mood: blah

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Monday, December 27th, 2004
7:40 pm
 

current mood: annoyed

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7:33 pm - !@#$%!
man, like monday's aren't shitty enough...the monday following christmas just adds insult to injury. In my line of work, anyway. Yeah, so, i'm pretty pissy. work was busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. not to mention, 2 employee's brought kids to work today...so, on top of the business that was causing me major anxiety, i had to hear a baby crying most of the day. >:0 It gives me a new appreciation for silence...AND not having a baby!!!!

guess that's it for now.

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Sunday, December 26th, 2004
4:09 pm - S'been a Loooong time
Now that i'm back in the atmosphere with drops of jupiter in my hair....

yeah, i've been out in the cosmos for quite some time. But i'm back for a while. I'm gonna give this blog thing
another try. True to form, i never stick to ANYTHING. I'm coming to terms with it, are you? haha.

Hope everyone enjoyed their religious holiday.

Now it's almost time for those foolish resolutions. You know you have some. I even have a few, that i half-ass believe i'll keep...right! Dreaming is so fun.

I'm walking in to spiderwebs, leave a msg and I'll call you back. bye

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Monday, November 24th, 2003
8:39 pm - been a long time
well, it's been a long time since i've updated, although, not a lot has changed. Hopefully I will start doing this again but, odds are I will fail as usual.

Almost time for bed, as my work schedule has been changed so that i have to be in at 6am now...which SUCKS MAJOR ASS! Well, I will be back tomorrow.

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