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Sunday, January 8th, 2006
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2:29p - No friends and cook island...
Another fustrating alone day... I did nothing yesterday, with the idea that id be going out today.. went out last night... danced with some very drunk boys.. no kissing.. i miss kissing but yeah it was a nice night... woke up at 11 to call ratika for the exercise thing... she was sleeping... she called me back at 1:30 to tell me she was awake now but that she has ppl coming over to her house so she cant go out to the movies later today.. not her fault i know.. but ive seen 3 movies over christmas by myself cos ive scott no friends.. and everytime i extend myself and actually ask someone they either say they are too busy or say they will and then cancel.. I sooo need new friends..
Did i tell you that Melanie msged me on thursday.. Apoligising for being a shit friend... saying shes going through a mental breakdown.. She said she understands if i dont want to be friends with her.. my response is.. yes i wanna tell you how shit you are.. and how you constantly break my heart every single time you dump me.. and how i hate how messed up you are... but instead i wrote.. i dont hate you.. ive just given up chasing you.. ill always be there for you .. you just have to ask for my help.. She wrote, thanks that makes me feel so much better.. i will try harder.. i will give you a call tomorrow.. Its now sunday.. and suprise suprise .. no call.. she truelly doesnt give a toss.. the random begging calls are just to momentarily make herself feel better when she thinks shes pushing my friendship too far.. Im so desperate for a friend.. i have so much shit going on... its just sad that my best friend (awarded for years known def not for actually value of friendship) has no time for me..
I will not get depressed.. i will keep my head above water.. i will..
Ohh update on the teaching rounds thing.. monash offers teaching rounds in the cookislands... newzealand.. its cost $2800 which i will have to go into debt for.. but its for 3 weeks.. and it sounds wonderful.. that and it falls right in with my uni holidays.. smack in the middle.. I have to apply by the 6th of march.. i have to have a passport by then too.. I find out by the 17th.. So i think im gonna do it.. ive never ever been on a plane.. ive never been anywhere.. its such a scarey thought.. but i need to do more with my life.. and this will force me too.. so wish me luck.. hundreds of ppl will be applying for this.. i hope i get in.. other wise life will be sooo much harder..
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3:03p - One of the quiz things... old and new
I filled this in december 13th 2003...
FIRSTS
First job: RJs sandwich shop at chadestone shopping centre... The manager, his parent and some of the ladys there were horrible.. I came home crying nearly every day... Most of them still work there too.. Funny how he always has employment signs up.. cos no one ever stays there... So yeah if you happen to know Chadstone and RJs sandwich shop in the big food court.. feel to go pass and spit on them for tormenting me haha....
First screen name:lol... ummm well it was anus_fable??? which when seen like that sounds very um dirty.. although ive never really come up with a meaning for an anus fable but yeah.. it was meant to be... anu's (my dog) and fable (after a cool song by robert miles... from the ever after sound track... plus I like the name)
First self purchased tape: 1927... self titled... I used to take my tape player into the bathroom... sit on the floor and listen to the tape up loud singing to the words in the little booklet.... that was until I played it one to many times and the tape player chewed it up.. I was devistated...
First funeral: My great grandma... My grandads mum... I bawled my eyes out sooo much... It was between 10-15 years ago atleast....
First piercing/tattoo: My only piercings are in my ears and my mum got them done when I was a tiny bub....
First credit card: Commonwealth mastercard... maxd out at $4000..... Im currently trying to transfer it over to an ANZ one.. cos its cooler.. haha.. well the card is but no.. the rate is soooo much better....
First true love: Thon.... I thought I had loved before but nothing compared... I was with him for 5 years and it took me 6 months to get over him and then even still Im not sure I will ever be completely... We are still friends..
First enemy:Mmm frankie Johnston.. In primary and high school.. I dont know why he ever disliked me.. He was an angry, smart guy.. who ive heard has done well for himself.. Still dont know why he disliked me so much... And a fucked up chick called Rossette.. who tormented me in high school.. High school sucked...
First big trip: To sydney and Canberra and stuff in a bus tour in year 7... I wish I could rememeber more of it... Cos i did cool stuff liek climb to the top of mount kosiosko...
First concert: Was those guys ummmm... i actually went to see them cos some RnB group from the US was supporting them... but the aussie group was 10 times better... umm who are they.. ummm... I just went and checked... Human Nature... They were really talentd actually.. they could sing and dance better than the US group....
First musician you remember hearing in your house: nup.. I dont really have any memmories of the music my parents listened too... although I do remember listening to the Dirty Dancing tape on the way to my grandmas.. when me, mum and steven used to go visit.. that was cool cos we must have been under 10 and we knew all the words :o)
LASTS
Last big car ride:mmm depends on definition of big.. I dont really go for drives.. its usually just to go vosot someone... so the longest lately was Luisa last weeken.... an hour and 10 mins to get the camberfield...
Last kiss: Mmmm that would be James... how sad... well no not sad... Cos james just made me realise I should be more picky with who I chose to kiss... much more picky... thus why I havent kissed anyone since... despite a few dates and oppertunities... where are all the quality guys???
Last library book checked out: Some gurly one from Dandenong library... I like gurly books...
Last movie seen: Elf last night.... Overall the movie was average but I still laughed my ass off through the whole thing....So much so I was crying cos of it...
Last beverage drank: I have drunk sooooo much raspberry lemonade lately... I sooo need to detox....Water is goood!!! haha
Last food consumed: I had chicken parm... today for lunch.. I havent had dinner sooo im very very hungry....
Last phone call: Dion miss called me... need to borrow his uniform for Nolan tomorrow.. Mmmm sexy Nolan... (Dougs friend from the Uk... sexc accent.. great guy.. here for 3 months.. and back next year for a year !!! yaaaay)
Last CD played: John Mayer... Heavier things... except my comps is retarded and so is my stereo.. so didnt really get to listen to it much... must invest in new stereo....
Last annoyance:Probably stoopid weekend drivers... on the way home from lunch... although work was annoying the last few days..thoufgh im sure its just cos im tired....
Last soda drank: Yummy raspberry... evil raspberry haha
Last ice cream eaten: Boysenberry choc top at southland village cinemas last night
Last time scolded: Mmm probably my mother...
Last shirt worn: mmm shirt? mmmm well im wearing a crappy one now.. but I wore a really nice pink/redish one a few times this week.. It looks great on my boobs haha...
Last website visited: pruesaysit.com
I AM:
I WANT: It all... I zoology job.. a great guy.. a family...
I HAVE: A roof over my head.. and 6 animals that adore the ground I walk on....
I WISH: My life would magically work its self out and that Id finally stick to a healthy weight loss system...
I HATE: That im my mums daughter and not her friend anymore..
I FEAR: That ill never make it into the zoology buisness....
I HEAR: the washing machine, the tv and messenger beeping at me...
I SEARCH: For a me im content with....
I WONDER: Whats so bad bout me sometimes...
I REGRET: Not having the guts to go ask out the english guy I served on friday.. He was beautiful.. there was chemsitry.. and I knew he worked at OPSM???
I LOVE: I dont know... I guess the obvious... my animals , my family and the boys.....
I ACHE: For a few things tonight... the house is quiet.. and im alone... I wanna lie in someones arms tonight... I wanna belong all of a sudden.. and I hate that feeling...
I ALWAYS: feel like im missing something in my life...
I AM NOT: Doing enough with my time.. and even though i know it.. i never do anything to change that....
I DANCE: to Rnb music...
I SING: I sang my ass off in the car on the way home... always parking just ahead of the car next to me so i can convince myself they cant see me.. or so that i cant see them seeing me.... cos then i probably stop...
I CRY: inside...
I AM NOT ALWAYS: happy as you can tell fromt he sharp turn in my journal entry... its cos the last song i listened to was trapped by evanessence.. Its ringing in my head.. and its sooo sad....
I WRITE: best when my heart is broken... Im boring when im not in lust with something....
I WIN: not much these days....
I LOSE: Motivation daily....
I CONFUSE: Conversations and looks from the oppisite sex as oppertunities....
I NEED: To be held tonight....
I SHOULD: really stop wasting time on here and find someone to come hold me...
Ok so now lets do it for jan 2006....
LASTS
Last big car ride: Not so much big... just the hour long drive to my grandmas for chrissy lunch... i dont really do long drives..
Last kiss: An boy at Odeon, probably november last year.. of so sad...
Last library book checked out: Dont do the library thing.. love buying them and currently reading a book my grandmother gave me.. Lady Whistle down....
Last movie seen: Cheaoer by the dozen two... was very cute.. laughed alot... liked it better than the 1st..
Last beverage drank: Raspberry cordial..
Last food consumed: Waynes beef curry
Last phone call: Ratika this morning to tell me she cant hang out.. again im dumped..
Last CD played: Might be Craig david...
Last annoyance: Being dumped again by a friend..
Last soda drank: Coke
Last ice cream eaten: mmmm vanilla martini from koko black.. soooooo nice..
Last time scolded: either by mum or boss at work.. both like to scold..
Last shirt worn: dont wear shirts.. but the top i wore last night really showed of the boobs hehe
Last website visited: Village cinemas
I AM:
I WANT: To finish my teaching degree.. earn real money.. have holidays.. a good man.. and a family.. i want a big family...
I HAVE: 6 wonderful animals that adore me.. everything else disappoints me..
I WISH: life was easier... or happier.. i wish i didnt suffer from depression..
I HATE: that i cant get a minute of my mums time...
I FEAR: being alone forever...
I HEAR:an old tarzan movie on tv
I SEARCH: i dont search much im lazy...
I WONDER: why im sooo alone...
I REGRET: meeting james back 3 years ago.. maybe i wouldnt have been so closed off to meeting someone between then and now.. and i wouldnt be alone..
I LOVE: My animals
I ACHE: For more ppl to hang out with.. for more ppl to make me feel liked and wanted and cared for...
I AM NOT: a positive person
I DANCE: to rnb music the most.. i love dancing..
I SING: in the car, really loudly late at night on the way home from the club...
I CRY: alot.. on the inside tho.. almost constantly
I AM NOT ALWAYS: happy.. more depressed most of the time actually
I WRITE: on here abit more these days
I LOSE: have lost my faith in ppl.. ppl suck
I CONFUSE: ppl as friends when they couldnt give a shit..
I NEED: a more active social life.. i need to feel loved..
I SHOULD: try to be more positive and get out of the house more.. i should be seeing my horse..
Im sooo not a happy person...
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