| Hi.... |
[28 Jan 2006|03:22pm] |
Im sooo glad that its raining like hell today :o) I hate this horrible hot weather... thus why i havent been on for a while.. i cant bare to be sitting at my desk in this disgusting weather..
its been a while... hopefully the teaching rounds thing will work out... waiting for special consideration to come through to do two weeks in may... and have to wait til march to see if ive been accepted to the cook islands.. spoke to Dr Mackenzie about the trip and she seesm to think theres a good chance ill get in... so wish me luck...
Mums fiance has been away for a week so ive been getting attention from her... see a couple of movies.. did some shopping had a few meals.. was nice to have her again for a while.. think wayne is coming home tuesday... so its only short lived.. and im sure ill be fustrated again...
Been going out twice a week to pubs etc with stacey.. feel like our friendship could be a keeper.. shes certainly nothing like liz... quite normal and not insane...
Melanie keeps breaking my heart... there is really no friendship there.. I just need to get her out of my system.. pitty i still have to run into her at bball on mondays.. otherwise.. id be able to forget her.. maybe
Back in prac class now.. where im less than perfect and not the favourite.. 3 weeks til students come back.. i miss students... well i dont miss the packed trains etc.. but i do miss perving on sexc science major boys hehe..
My course starts end of feb... one more month of freedom..
Bballs ok.. trying to build wed night team up again... trying to build up my self confidence again...
Talking to thon again... havent seen him tho...
Trying to catch up with a boy called daniel i used to go to primary with...
Have an emailing thing going on with a boy called Rob... hes in Srilanka, working... very nice boy
Im sooooo hungry.. i want bacon...
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| Placements are stuffed again |
[15 Jan 2006|12:35pm] |
Stressed stressed stressed.. got an email from the placements chick.. every time i think ive sorted it out she stuffs me up again.. apparently i can only teach between may 29th and june 16th.. and that working is not good enough excuse to change my teaching placements.. i have to apply for special consideration and yeah that can only be if im too sick or whatever.. it cant be work related?? So im fucked.. I said what about the cook islands trip and apparently i have to get special concideration to go on that too??? I havent even started the school year and im stressed.. im stuck between my boss and my school giving me two different options.. neither liking the others options.. sooo not happy...
I was actually quite happy before i read those emails... wish i had read them on monday.. but no, had to check work emails for robs emails and thus here i am.. stressed...
My weekend has been good.. was up all night friday.. slept all day sat.. met a boy called andrew.. very nice though im trying to forget it.. not a bad weekend.. feeling much better.. hopefully im back to normal tomorrow at work.. last week was shocking...
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| Im sick |
[12 Jan 2006|02:57pm] |
Been sick for the last few days.. at home now.. sick and tired of making it through half a day of work then leaving... feel like crap.. so many symtoms... nothing stays the same.. one minute im healthy next minute in nauseas ... feel like crap.. sick of sleeping.. body aches from being in crap bed all day.. wanna go out and get some sun.. but body not happy with much movement...
In general happy.. just annoyed cant be at work.. enjoying my tempory job.. want to feel happy..
Hope your well.. Luv mel
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| One of the quiz things... old and new |
[08 Jan 2006|03:03pm] |
I filled this in december 13th 2003...
FIRSTS
First job: RJs sandwich shop at chadestone shopping centre... The manager, his parent and some of the ladys there were horrible.. I came home crying nearly every day... Most of them still work there too.. Funny how he always has employment signs up.. cos no one ever stays there... So yeah if you happen to know Chadstone and RJs sandwich shop in the big food court.. feel to go pass and spit on them for tormenting me haha....
First screen name:lol... ummm well it was anus_fable??? which when seen like that sounds very um dirty.. although ive never really come up with a meaning for an anus fable but yeah.. it was meant to be... anu's (my dog) and fable (after a cool song by robert miles... from the ever after sound track... plus I like the name)
First self purchased tape: 1927... self titled... I used to take my tape player into the bathroom... sit on the floor and listen to the tape up loud singing to the words in the little booklet.... that was until I played it one to many times and the tape player chewed it up.. I was devistated...
First funeral: My great grandma... My grandads mum... I bawled my eyes out sooo much... It was between 10-15 years ago atleast....
First piercing/tattoo: My only piercings are in my ears and my mum got them done when I was a tiny bub....
First credit card: Commonwealth mastercard... maxd out at $4000..... Im currently trying to transfer it over to an ANZ one.. cos its cooler.. haha.. well the card is but no.. the rate is soooo much better....
First true love: Thon.... I thought I had loved before but nothing compared... I was with him for 5 years and it took me 6 months to get over him and then even still Im not sure I will ever be completely... We are still friends..
First enemy:Mmm frankie Johnston.. In primary and high school.. I dont know why he ever disliked me.. He was an angry, smart guy.. who ive heard has done well for himself.. Still dont know why he disliked me so much... And a fucked up chick called Rossette.. who tormented me in high school.. High school sucked...
First big trip: To sydney and Canberra and stuff in a bus tour in year 7... I wish I could rememeber more of it... Cos i did cool stuff liek climb to the top of mount kosiosko...
First concert: Was those guys ummmm... i actually went to see them cos some RnB group from the US was supporting them... but the aussie group was 10 times better... umm who are they.. ummm... I just went and checked... Human Nature... They were really talentd actually.. they could sing and dance better than the US group....
First musician you remember hearing in your house: nup.. I dont really have any memmories of the music my parents listened too... although I do remember listening to the Dirty Dancing tape on the way to my grandmas.. when me, mum and steven used to go visit.. that was cool cos we must have been under 10 and we knew all the words :o)
LASTS
Last big car ride:mmm depends on definition of big.. I dont really go for drives.. its usually just to go vosot someone... so the longest lately was Luisa last weeken.... an hour and 10 mins to get the camberfield...
Last kiss: Mmmm that would be James... how sad... well no not sad... Cos james just made me realise I should be more picky with who I chose to kiss... much more picky... thus why I havent kissed anyone since... despite a few dates and oppertunities... where are all the quality guys???
Last library book checked out: Some gurly one from Dandenong library... I like gurly books...
Last movie seen: Elf last night.... Overall the movie was average but I still laughed my ass off through the whole thing....So much so I was crying cos of it...
Last beverage drank: I have drunk sooooo much raspberry lemonade lately... I sooo need to detox....Water is goood!!! haha
Last food consumed: I had chicken parm... today for lunch.. I havent had dinner sooo im very very hungry....
Last phone call: Dion miss called me... need to borrow his uniform for Nolan tomorrow.. Mmmm sexy Nolan... (Dougs friend from the Uk... sexc accent.. great guy.. here for 3 months.. and back next year for a year !!! yaaaay)
Last CD played: John Mayer... Heavier things... except my comps is retarded and so is my stereo.. so didnt really get to listen to it much... must invest in new stereo....
Last annoyance:Probably stoopid weekend drivers... on the way home from lunch... although work was annoying the last few days..thoufgh im sure its just cos im tired....
Last soda drank: Yummy raspberry... evil raspberry haha
Last ice cream eaten: Boysenberry choc top at southland village cinemas last night
Last time scolded: Mmm probably my mother...
Last shirt worn: mmm shirt? mmmm well im wearing a crappy one now.. but I wore a really nice pink/redish one a few times this week.. It looks great on my boobs haha...
Last website visited: pruesaysit.com
I AM:
I WANT: It all... I zoology job.. a great guy.. a family...
I HAVE: A roof over my head.. and 6 animals that adore the ground I walk on....
I WISH: My life would magically work its self out and that Id finally stick to a healthy weight loss system...
I HATE: That im my mums daughter and not her friend anymore..
I FEAR: That ill never make it into the zoology buisness....
I HEAR: the washing machine, the tv and messenger beeping at me...
I SEARCH: For a me im content with....
I WONDER: Whats so bad bout me sometimes...
I REGRET: Not having the guts to go ask out the english guy I served on friday.. He was beautiful.. there was chemsitry.. and I knew he worked at OPSM???
I LOVE: I dont know... I guess the obvious... my animals , my family and the boys.....
I ACHE: For a few things tonight... the house is quiet.. and im alone... I wanna lie in someones arms tonight... I wanna belong all of a sudden.. and I hate that feeling...
I ALWAYS: feel like im missing something in my life...
I AM NOT: Doing enough with my time.. and even though i know it.. i never do anything to change that....
I DANCE: to Rnb music...
I SING: I sang my ass off in the car on the way home... always parking just ahead of the car next to me so i can convince myself they cant see me.. or so that i cant see them seeing me.... cos then i probably stop...
I CRY: inside...
I AM NOT ALWAYS: happy as you can tell fromt he sharp turn in my journal entry... its cos the last song i listened to was trapped by evanessence.. Its ringing in my head.. and its sooo sad....
I WRITE: best when my heart is broken... Im boring when im not in lust with something....
I WIN: not much these days....
I LOSE: Motivation daily....
I CONFUSE: Conversations and looks from the oppisite sex as oppertunities....
I NEED: To be held tonight....
I SHOULD: really stop wasting time on here and find someone to come hold me...
Ok so now lets do it for jan 2006....
LASTS
Last big car ride: Not so much big... just the hour long drive to my grandmas for chrissy lunch... i dont really do long drives..
Last kiss: An boy at Odeon, probably november last year.. of so sad...
Last library book checked out: Dont do the library thing.. love buying them and currently reading a book my grandmother gave me.. Lady Whistle down....
Last movie seen: Cheaoer by the dozen two... was very cute.. laughed alot... liked it better than the 1st..
Last beverage drank: Raspberry cordial..
Last food consumed: Waynes beef curry
Last phone call: Ratika this morning to tell me she cant hang out.. again im dumped..
Last CD played: Might be Craig david...
Last annoyance: Being dumped again by a friend..
Last soda drank: Coke
Last ice cream eaten: mmmm vanilla martini from koko black.. soooooo nice..
Last time scolded: either by mum or boss at work.. both like to scold..
Last shirt worn: dont wear shirts.. but the top i wore last night really showed of the boobs hehe
Last website visited: Village cinemas
I AM:
I WANT: To finish my teaching degree.. earn real money.. have holidays.. a good man.. and a family.. i want a big family...
I HAVE: 6 wonderful animals that adore me.. everything else disappoints me..
I WISH: life was easier... or happier.. i wish i didnt suffer from depression..
I HATE: that i cant get a minute of my mums time...
I FEAR: being alone forever...
I HEAR:an old tarzan movie on tv
I SEARCH: i dont search much im lazy...
I WONDER: why im sooo alone...
I REGRET: meeting james back 3 years ago.. maybe i wouldnt have been so closed off to meeting someone between then and now.. and i wouldnt be alone..
I LOVE: My animals
I ACHE: For more ppl to hang out with.. for more ppl to make me feel liked and wanted and cared for...
I AM NOT: a positive person
I DANCE: to rnb music the most.. i love dancing..
I SING: in the car, really loudly late at night on the way home from the club...
I CRY: alot.. on the inside tho.. almost constantly
I AM NOT ALWAYS: happy.. more depressed most of the time actually
I WRITE: on here abit more these days
I LOSE: have lost my faith in ppl.. ppl suck
I CONFUSE: ppl as friends when they couldnt give a shit..
I NEED: a more active social life.. i need to feel loved..
I SHOULD: try to be more positive and get out of the house more.. i should be seeing my horse..
Im sooo not a happy person...
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| No friends and cook island... |
[08 Jan 2006|02:29pm] |
Another fustrating alone day... I did nothing yesterday, with the idea that id be going out today.. went out last night... danced with some very drunk boys.. no kissing.. i miss kissing but yeah it was a nice night... woke up at 11 to call ratika for the exercise thing... she was sleeping... she called me back at 1:30 to tell me she was awake now but that she has ppl coming over to her house so she cant go out to the movies later today.. not her fault i know.. but ive seen 3 movies over christmas by myself cos ive scott no friends.. and everytime i extend myself and actually ask someone they either say they are too busy or say they will and then cancel.. I sooo need new friends..
Did i tell you that Melanie msged me on thursday.. Apoligising for being a shit friend... saying shes going through a mental breakdown.. She said she understands if i dont want to be friends with her.. my response is.. yes i wanna tell you how shit you are.. and how you constantly break my heart every single time you dump me.. and how i hate how messed up you are... but instead i wrote.. i dont hate you.. ive just given up chasing you.. ill always be there for you .. you just have to ask for my help.. She wrote, thanks that makes me feel so much better.. i will try harder.. i will give you a call tomorrow.. Its now sunday.. and suprise suprise .. no call.. she truelly doesnt give a toss.. the random begging calls are just to momentarily make herself feel better when she thinks shes pushing my friendship too far.. Im so desperate for a friend.. i have so much shit going on... its just sad that my best friend (awarded for years known def not for actually value of friendship) has no time for me..
I will not get depressed.. i will keep my head above water.. i will..
Ohh update on the teaching rounds thing.. monash offers teaching rounds in the cookislands... newzealand.. its cost $2800 which i will have to go into debt for.. but its for 3 weeks.. and it sounds wonderful.. that and it falls right in with my uni holidays.. smack in the middle.. I have to apply by the 6th of march.. i have to have a passport by then too.. I find out by the 17th.. So i think im gonna do it.. ive never ever been on a plane.. ive never been anywhere.. its such a scarey thought.. but i need to do more with my life.. and this will force me too.. so wish me luck.. hundreds of ppl will be applying for this.. i hope i get in.. other wise life will be sooo much harder..
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| Teaching rounds making me anxious.... |
[07 Jan 2006|01:24pm] |
What a fun week... Ive been working in the office this week filling in fionas job since she left til they find someone else.. Its kinda good and bad.. good cos i love it.. and bad cos i cant stay there.. Ive decided that im not looking forward to the animal killing part of my job. not that i have killed or will kill but i have to be round them when its done.. and im axious about it.. Theres ups and downs to my job.. its huge hours.. sometimes 730am in the city (5:30 wake up time) til 6:30-7 finish time (get home 8pm) with 30 mins break all day.. add the that bball 5 nights a week sunday through to thursday nights.. where i dont get home til past 11pm.. and then add supposed to be studying.. and well life would be sooo much easier if i found a job where i finished at 4pm... and was home by 4:30... let alone better pay.. I have come to realise that i am the lowest paid person in the department.. minus the students.. the up side is the over time can be used to take days off. which will be needed to write reports or in general have a holiday since i have none..
The new job being advertised.. is set hours 9 to 5.. $6,000 more a year... and in general a fun job.. no animals involved... but i cant go for it...
So the week was going great til i tried to organise my teaching rounds for next year.. In this current job my boss is greatly annoyed at me doing my degree.. and more so that i have to do teaching rounds, even though i have holidays owing to me.. sooo in trying to keep her happy i have a small window of 8 weeks end of may til july to fit in 5 weeks of teaching.. however i just found out that during that 8 weeks only 1 fits into the weeks available to do rounds?? or atleast thats how i read it.. friday work day finished before i could get a reply back from the placement officer so i dont know if im completely stuffed... If its correct then i have 2 options.. try and hit up my boss for time off during prac time.. which is a huge ask.. tho i think it can be done ... some weeks we only have computer pracs.. so the only prep is turning them on.. carol doesnt need me to do that.. so yeah i will have to approach my boss to ask for those weeks off.. if she refuses.. i can talk to the person above her.. but in general i dont think ill get understanding.. so if she says no then im left with no choice but to organise the latest date for my teaching rounds.. and quite my job a month before.. leaving me un paid for the 5 weeks.. til i can search for a new job.. and again ill be faced with the same prospect the following year with my 2nd teaching round.. One option is to get a lab tech position in a school.. a friend just got one and they are allowing her to do her teaching rounds at the school.. let alone the great holidays ie more time to study... the pay will be very very bad tho...
So yeah i guess im hoping the boss is nice and helps me out.. but i dont know til i ask.. and i cant ask til i know for sure.. so anxiety is me til then.. I feel sick with it..
As for other news.. not that im doing much these days without study or bball.. Ive been emailing a boy called rob.. he seems nice.. will see how it goes.. Flickers healthy and back out with his bf tonto.. again im stitting on here when i should be down there on this beautiful day riding him... but you get that... im lazy haha.. Tonight im off to the pub.. tom im exercising with ratika maybe haha and hopefully tom night im seeing a movie..
I usually say hi to everyone here haha but since no one reads blurties anymore.. theres nothing to say.....
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| My day... |
[02 Jan 2006|09:31pm] |
I didnt ride flick.. but i did go out to lunch.. shopping.. to see flick and give him lots of cuddles.. came home cooked lunch for the week.. got online and taught myself some maths (which i hate and have avoided thus banished from my memory).. think i might give myself some homework every night.. just 30 mins.. it feels good to know my brain is working.. plus i cant shake the idea that in 2 years i pretty much will be teaching maths to juniors.. bugger.. wish i could just teach science.. and forget the maths hehe..
brandon just called.. a boy i used to hang out with 13 years ago... we used to spend our school holidays playing bball down at the language centre courts.. those were the days.. i loved it.. not much chance for street ball games these days... women arent invited to play with the guys... only got away with that when i was young...
Anyways, have to get up early for work tomorrow.. and im no where near tired.. Gonna go watch some sex and the city :o) fun fun fun...
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| The new 2006 year! |
[02 Jan 2006|02:20pm] |
So im feeling abit better these last few days... The hot weather has finally passed as has 2005 and im feeling abit more upbeat.. I spent nye completely by myself.. well me and the dogs.. I went to blockbuster on nye and rented dvds.. knowing that ppl watching from the outside would be thinking.. wow, id hate to be so alone that i have to rent dvds on nye cos i have nothing to do... so needless to say nye was a hard night.. very hard.. everyone had something to do and no one invited me.. Melanie didnt even answer her phone..
Work starts tomorrow.. Im anxious about working head reception especially with the new boss who seems desperate to control me and use me as much as she can... but im trying to stay upbeat... itll be nice to have something to do with my day. Not that i dont have things to do.. i can always fill my days with the things in my life.. but when depression hits.. its sooo hard to get started.. I wanted to get up early today so i can sleep tonight, go see my horse.. have a ride.. go shopping... cook this weeks lunch.. but instead i got up at 12.. had a shower and now nearly 3 hours later im still on line.. i cant get my ass moving... Its a beautiful 24 degrees outside... so loverly.. I should be riding my horse.. but anyways..
Overall im feeling happier.. im feeling inspired by the new year.. i wanna get fitter.. and happier.. i wanna do my homework.. I wanna get one more year through my degree.. one more year closer to becoming a teacher.. having a new life.. having holidays.. I wanna feel less attacked... less alone.. less used.. I want to find love this year..
Im gonna go ride my horse...
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| She'll never stop breaking my heart |
[29 Dec 2005|06:04pm] |
Im going mad sitting round my house doing nothing... I just asked my mother if she would like to go out to dinner and maybe a movie with me.. I pay... and her response was that she was too tired... Im sooo over it.. Fuck fuck fuck... i cant even get 5 mins of her time... shed rather sit at home and drink with wayne than spend any time with me... sit in a stinking hot house with no aircon... instead of go out to a resteraunt and have a loverly cooked meal with me... Im sooo over it... I wish shed just piss off to WA so im not reminded that shes here but has no time for me... its funny when she goes away she will miss me... but now that she has me here.. she couldnt give a shit..
Im trying to stay happy on these holidays.. its nice to sleep in and rest but im alone... everyones busy... its comming up to new years and ill be home by myself...
Mel just called me... only cos i told her to.. i msged her and told her to stop being a shit friend... So she called me to appoligise... I wanna go to odeon tonight.. something.. anything to get out of the house... Im over it... tomorrow i need to get my ass out of bed.. and do something...
I washed the dogs today.. and im looking out my window at my kelpie laying in dust... her beautful white coat covered in grey dust... I love her so much... it just kills me that the only love and attention im getting these days is from my animals... Im so stupid... Im always sticking myself out there.. begging, chasing ppl to spend time with me... I should just accept the fact that im alone.. and probably will be... for forver... My mums always questioned why i stick up for my animals over ppl... and its cos they never leave.. they never say no. or that im too busy... they sit there next to you all day... begging you to spend time with them... Ive just realised.. i am to my dog what my mum is to me.. every morning my animals look at me and beg me to not leave them.. and every day i do.. they stare up at me begging me to take them for a walk.. or throw them the ball and i never do..
Ive just written a page full of shit.. the weather and loneliness of these holidays is messing with my head... Im on the edge of another mass depression.. nah.. i have half of me already gone... I appoligise for my bullshit.. im just heartbroken...
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| I still have nothing to say... but preston i miss you heaps |
[26 Dec 2005|06:11pm] |
I love christmas... it was nice this year... i was dying for a break from work.. i needed to leave the place.. and here i am.. 3 days into a 10 day holiday and im bored.. i slept all day today.. watched tv.. and now im bored.. i wanna go out.. but everythings closed...
I have a limited amount of hanging out friends.. mel has a new man.. not that she was ever round much but now its even more impossible to get any of her time... she really does suck.. i sent her a txt for chrissy and she never even replied... but that so mel...
Stacey is damaged.. and home sleeping.. might call her and see what shes up too.. im bored... very bored.. need to have a shower get out of the pjs and go somewhere..
Who else is there to call.. Marc.. but he doesnt drive so i have to pick him up to go out.. Brett.. but hes brett.. Ratika is away for a week.. how rude of her haha.. sasha is getting ready to go over seas... turns out were not that close anyways.. but you get that...
So yeah nothing at all is happening in my life.. flicks healthier..let him out of the fat paddock for christmas day... give him a run with the rest of the herd.. Hes so not gonna let me catch him next time.. Rode him a few times last week.. he was beautiful.... very much in love with him..
Working for new person at work for jan... the new supervisor is very controlling... and dominant.. might be a hard month.. will see how it goes.. Surrounded by uneveness but trying not to let it get to me.. Fi is gone.. probably a good thing.. I think i was developing a huge crush on her.. not sure how i wouldve delt with that seeings how i like boys!!! but yeah, the chick was beautiful.. not in the physical sense... even tho she was that too.. but in the emotional sense.. she was beautiful.. shes in QLD now.. with her gf.. so alls for the best..
Umm anything else.. ohh yeah.. stacey is trying to set me up with a boy called dan.. def doable.. but im getting nothing from him at all.. soo in need of a man tho.. ive been single for 3 years nearly... i figure ive disliked boys for long enough.. now just need to find one worth my time.. who i want naked as much as they want me naked...
Anyways... better be off..
Take care out there boys... love ya, Mel
Preston I miss you heaps....
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| Sorted.... |
[16 Dec 2005|06:35pm] |
Think ive kinda sorted out the vikki thing.. ie have managed to get her to quit the team for next season.. so i can build a nice happy team for next season.. yaaay... feeling much happier.. still have to see how sunday pans out when i see her... am also getting a cold.. so not impressed.. havent been sick all year...
Thank god for the weekend.. Going to have a nap now..
Starting to check out boys again.. might even go on a few dates maybe.. who knows..
Hope your well out there.. love you
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| Stoopid fucking vikki |
[14 Dec 2005|12:10pm] |
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Fucking vikki.... sooooo over having her in my basketball teams... why is it that i attract psyco bitches... like liz and now vikki... the girl wants to win tooo much and would rather abuse her team than admit that shes not playing so well... sunday bball game she went nutts abused everyone.. including me... and hasnt spoken to me since.. last night .. in front of me the bitch asked my coach if hed like to be in her mixed basketball team.. shes scotting players for a new team before she quits mine... what a bitch... soooo annoyed and cant shake it... didnt go to work today.. so not mentally right.. trying to avoid conflict.. but cant handle having her round anymore.. I really should just accept that ppl suck.. that they always disapoint.. and that im better not trying to make friends...
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| I lead a very busy but boring life.... |
[11 Dec 2005|10:56pm] |
My life is sooo busy these days yet i have nothing fun to write.. but i will try..
Im currently working fulltime 5 days a week playing bball 4 times a week, plus watching my friends play as well... I just found out today i will be coaching my friend in her under 18s bball team.. which will mean rocking up to her sundays games which i already do.. but also ill be running training on thursdays... So i will officially have bball from sunday through to thursday nights... and then this year i have 2 subjects per semester, plus teaching rounds... so i am going to be sooooooo busy its not funny...
Flicks damaged with founder again... poor bub cant walk... Im dying to ride him but cant exercise him til his feet stop burning...
Been going out with Stacey a new girl from work... she seems loverly.. and we get on well.. Very thankful to have met someone new..and to meet more ppl through her... life was getting abit lonely for a while...
My mate Sasha is leaving work :o( so im gonna be pretty much alone at work... which is gonna be hard.. gpt the christmas party on this week.. should be interesting... One more week of bball til the 4 week break.. which i hate.. fun fun fun... life is very busy and boring all at once hehe...
Went to chrissy family party this weekend.. was nice tho i dont really know many of them.. Saw amy there.. but didnt get to catch up much.. bad seating arrangements... Took ebony shopping after the lunch.. was heaps of fun.. got all my chrissy presents brought yaaaaaaaay...
Anyways just thought id write something.. cos im slack and i never write.. Hope your well Preston (since youre the only person who reads this, i think.. i hope hehe) ...Love ya heaps, Mel
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| the weekend... |
[14 Nov 2005|10:42am] |
Im soooo beyond burnt.. massively massively sun burnt.. all over my arms chest and neck... soooooooo burnt..
I spent the day down the paddock yesterday with new girl stacey.. i was out in the sun for 4 hours.. riding for 2 of those.. and i knew i was red.. but it wasnt til after bball that all the sunburnt came out and i realised how bad haha... it hasnt even subsided after a nights sleep...
Yesterday was great... i rode flick .. he was a pain in the arse... but stacey wasnt too annoyed with it.. so im happy.. now just wish he wasnt so scared of kangaroos... its ruins the ride.....
bball was ok.. played a horrible team.. we drew.. which is better than losing like last time.. Watched Ratika play bball.. in her under 18s team.. there was more talk about me coaching.. we will see..
Got today off work... yaaay for Annual leave... Woke up and found out mum has taken the day off too.. she left me a message asking that if i wanted to see a movie with her....to wake her up.. it put a amile on my face :o) I miss hanging out with her...
Got bball tonight... right up til 11pm.. gonna be fun... no sleep before work tomorrow.. but atleast theres only 4 days til next weekend hehe...
Hope everyones ok.. we just dont update like we used to... Love you
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| This week.... |
[13 Nov 2005|12:14am] |
Ok so hears for a happier entry... mainly cos im denying any issues.. avoiding thinking about my mum etc...
My depression has subsided abit... so im not struggling so much.. I think not being totally exhausted mentally and physically is helping... I think i just pushed it too much with all i was doing.. assignments and work and bball etc.. so now that its just work at bball im more stable.. Thats not to say that the simplest thing cant just push me over the edge tomorrow.. but for today im ok... I seem to be more flat, more stable.. in that my highs arent so high.. and therefore when i drop from them the drop isnt so low or bad.. im just kinda stable... which im sooo happy for...
I went to grandmas today to celebrate grandad and camerons birthdays.. and oh my god.. i didnt even wish grandad happy birthday.. im such a dickhead.. i saw cam the day after his birthday so im cool there.. but i cant believe it forgot to actually say the words to my grandad... I love my grandparents.. I just wanna hug them and squish them.. and tell them i love them.. but anyways.. i get off the subject.. mum and i minus wayne went to the lunch today.. and well that invited a conversation about how ive been feeling about her and wayne and them moving to WA and them getting married.. and lets just say.. we had to pull up outside the shops for 10 mins before id let her go to grandmas cos i had to give my face time not to look like id just been crying for the last hour... So i guess thats why i was weird at the lunch.. why i was there for 4 hours.. and i dont feel like i did anything... I cant remember anything... i guess i was just in a coma.. and thus why i didnt wish grandad happy birthday.. Im such a dick... I also didnt talk to amy much today.. which is sad.. cos shes a huge part of why i go there.. shes my friend and my relative at the table.. the rest of the ppl are just relatives.. even my mum who used to be my best friend.. isnt anymore.. I wish amy wasnt so far away.. id love to be able to drive and see her in 15 mins.. to take her to the movies with me every time i go by myself.. to go shopping.. to have lunch.. all the cool; stuff friends should be doing.. ohh well one day.. til then theres family lunches.. and i promise to be more social next time.. as long as mum doesnt make me cry before hand.....
So yeah, i guess im happy that the chat with mum didnt kill me.. i mean at the time i couldnt even breathe i was crying so much.. but i mean kill me as in put me back into mass depression... So for that i figure my depression is alittle my stable right now.. and it helps me to know that...
the rest of my life is ok.. Mel cancelled on me two weekends in a row... which im used too.. but i did hang out with her at bball for 4 hours on monday and that was nice.. havent talked to liz.. havent heard from her.. i deleted her number completely so i cant msg her anyways... I dont really miss her.. mainly cos she hasnt been round for ages.. and two because the new girl down the paddock stacey is looking for someone to ride with and tomorrow were gonna go out for a ride.. and see how it goes.. One of the other girls that moved paddocks is interested in riding out too.. so maybe i can find ppl to ride with and my summer wont be too bad..
Havent spent time with Marc.. nearly decided to ask him to go out tonight... but by the time i got home from lunch i was too tired.. and couldnt be stuffed... I'll see him tomorrow... and i have monday off so you never know.. Im sooo not ready to let go im afraid.. im quite withdrawl these days.. im not sure if its him .. or me.. i do know tho that if it was daniel who liked me.. i probably wouldnt be holding back.. maybe thats it.. maybe im not 100% into him.. and its only for the attention.. so when i get close to going for it.. i talk myself out of it with 100 excuses.. Who knows.. either way.. ive had marc and a boy called sri asking to hang out lately... for weeks in fact and i havent followed through.. I guess i dont know where id fit them in.. and my life style.. my house.. the way i live ... where i live.. my problems.. embarrass me.. im not sure if i could let a stranger in...
What else is happening.. cant think of anything... ohh yeah mum thinks her and wayne will be round til june and that they might lower the rent for me when they leave.. both of which will alow me to dave money and well be able to eat when the do leave.. so thats a possitive.. Now that ive refinaced my loan.. and as long as i dont spend my credit again.. ill actually be able to save.. which ive never ever done.. its kinda exciting...
Okies.. well ive bored whoevers reading this enough.. I hope your all well.. Love you..
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| Depression and me |
[06 Nov 2005|01:11am] |
I think i need to get into the habit of posting on here more.. I guess for a time I felt abit censored cos well my uncle (hi cam) reads this and what i write in here often gets brought up at family lunches infront of ppl i dont wanna share with ie my mum... but for the past month things have been really bad and i feel i need to write...Uncensored... at the very least to keep myself sane... but i do hope that cam reads this and understands that its a privilege in the sense that i chose you.. of those ppl that i know in real life... to read this journal... And i know that you think that personal things can be written in a journal book... but i need to vent on here... i need to know that out there.. ppl who ive never met... actually may read this.. and make a comment and make me feel like someone actually knows i exist.. because in real life i dont have that... i dont exist... and no one is checking up on me to see if im ok.. atleast on here.. sometimes they do... So please read my journal cos i need someone in my life to know the hell im going through... but please... respect that i let only you in... and that if i wanted mum or other ppl to read this then id give them the address... And to Amy... I am so grateful you read this.. and need not say anything to you because you have always understood without me saying so that what i write here isnt meant for the lunch table.. I really do love you both...
So now that ive vented my issues on censorship... im gonna bite the bullet and write from this broken heart... hoping that im safe to do so...
Last year was hell.. I went though unbelievable hell... mainly to do with the job i worked partly to do with living with mum and her man... and this year despite a few hick ups.. ive been much better... I mean ive had my sook and bitched about a few things but Ive taken off 2 mental health days from work this year in conparison to 15 last year... So i figured my depression was on the mend... However over the last month ive been in agony... the depression is back with a vengenance... and everyday im petrified of what type of mood im gonna be in... Today was an up day... probably too up actually... cos i was petrified i would fall.. and alas.. i have... its the comimg home alone.. to an empty house.. which i must face as a definite possibility for the rest of my life...
Lots of things trigger off my depression.. this time round i can pin point the major things... I had two assignments due withing 2 weeks of each other and i procrastinated about them until the night before each one was due, until i finally did them. I had trouble sleeping... and to top it off work was giving me hassles... Anyways after a week of stressing over each assignment.. my body shut down from the stress.. the headaches came back and the depression started... Last weekend was particularly hard as i handed in the assignment on friday morning and then collapsed... Sat morning i woke up so lonely and after consulting my mobile i realised i had absolutely no one to go to.. no one.. So saturday i spent alone.. sat night i fought with wayne (mums bf) and the they spent all night fighting...as they had done friday night... sunday i went to the movies... still massively down... played bball.. where a girl in my team.. who is 17 .. when told that i liked daniel said... 'but hes 18'.. like i was evil for liking a guy who was 18... like i was disgusting and wrong for daring to like a guy her age... I hit a wall... I felt like shit.. i tried to talk to a girl who i email 5 times a day.. and who i have a great relationship with via email but nothing in person... but she was too busy and she left... I cried on my way back to the car... On my way home i got a call from my mum saying her and wayne were engaged... and that was the end... I tried to be happy for her on the phone... but inside my heart was breaking... on the surface.. i dont like wayne much.. he has a permanent attitude problem when im around.. i guess im the daughter who is keeping mum in victoria... im the one she sticks up for.. im the one living in her house and impeding on his life... and i dont like the fact that hes the reason why mums drunk every night... but deeper... it was because... for a second .. that weekend.. with all their fighting i thought they might not last... and that i wouldnt lose my mother.. the only one left ... who hasnt moved to WA... but no... waynes answer to fighting is to get married.. and mum is excited.. and they will move.. and wont have a mum anymore.. and ill be completely and uterly alone...
I guess thats the crust of it.. im alone... i literally have not one close friend... no one to hang out with on the weekends... no one to run too if life gets to hard..
i spent today with my friend amy and my uncle cam (theyre married but i just cant seem to call amy my untie cos well shes my friend), and i guess that someone to run too.. but its them not someone... Amy belongs to cameron.. my uncle.. They are close.. im on the outside.. i cant get close.. I need a best friend... its hard to explain.. i did feel better though... being at their house.. but theres a limit to hanging out in wonga park... i cant be there every weekend... theyre married .. they have their life.. and im just the neice...
Last summer.. i spent most of it riding with my mate liz... i was sooo happy... liz moved paddocks 2 months ago before she went to europe for a month.. but before she did she promised wed keep riding... etc.. leading up to her going we didnt see much of each other.. she wasnt interested.. always busy etc... shes been back two weeks and ive seen her once... i txt her and she doesnt reply for days... and shes the kind of person to never ever leave her mobile or miss a call... I figured she must be riding so i finally txt her.. and asked her.. she said yeah ive been riding heaps.. im even in a cross country event tomorrow?? I wrote back wow thats amazing... and i guess were not riding together anymore... she wrote back.. well have to see.. im riding in my paddock alot and its too hard to ride to you (we are five mins down the road)... I wrote back yeah paddock riding seems to be the way to go... catch you round...
So a two year friendship is gone like that.. my whole summer social life is gone... i stopped riding my horse for 8 years cos i had no one to ride with... she got me on my horse... and ive been loving it for the last 2 years... Im sooo beyond heart broken... She went to cavalcades of fire or something.. the arena show with horses.. which i wouldve loved to go to... she didnt even tell me or invite me... every single horse thing we ever did we did together...
So hear i am...i feel better for writting this all down... but im still stuck...and i dont see the end of it... I am soooo utterly alone...
So i guess im gona start writing on here... as much as i can... about everything and everything... to try an understand this depression and what sets it off... Its nearly 2am so i should go to bed.. .maybe next time im on here ill try and write down the few things i wanna try .. so i can avoid inviting deeper depression...
Nite...
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| Its done... now what do i do??? |
[29 Oct 2005|07:41pm] |
I got the assignment done by 3am friday morning yaay!!! i had two hours sleep before work but all is good cos i have no homeowork for 4 months yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!! Im sooo excited.. nothing but work and bball... Very cool
So i have to share with you my crush... yes thats right... i have a crush... on a boy 9 years my junior... yup hes 18... infact just 18 and about half the size of me... but boy do i have a crush... the boys names daniel and i met him at bball a few years ago... and now hes playing bball in my mixed team... Hes such a fantastic player... and did i mention i have a huge crush... its soooo ridculous... I saw him today cos i went to bball and he was refing.. and i get to play bball with him tomorow... cant wait...
But heres where it gets complicated... I also know another guy down at bball.. who ive kinda liked but always held back on cos i thought he was abit of a slut.. and god knows i dont need another one of those.. but anyways.. turns out my impressions were abit off and hes actually maybe not a bad guy... anyways... after many txt msges.. i got one from him saying that he was keen to have a relationship with me and that he thinks im hot... and yes he used that word... but anyways... im torn... cos i miss having someone... but he just isnt daniel.. and seeings how i basically live at bball and id be seeing both boys at the same time all the time.. im not sure that i could fully go for it.. cos id always be wondering what if ... with daniel.. the shit thing is that i pretty much feel like theres absolutely no chance of daniel and me.. mainly cos hes very shy and although we have a great flirty relationship.. i just dont feel like id end up with him.... So do i be with marc.. to be with someone... or do i wake up alone.. and dream of daniel??
Ohh and to complicate things more... i woke up thinking of thon this morning.. and tmged him and told him i wanted to have sex with him.. with at the time (at 8am) i did... but thats past... unfortunately the msg hasnt!!
heres one of those questiony things... got it from prues website..
The Two Things Quiz
Two Names You Go By
1.Mel
2.Missa... i love being called missa... my best friend calls me missa... I love miss too... brett calls me miss... I want my next bf to call me miss...
Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. Scottish
2. English
Two Things That Scare You
1. Being told off or getting into trouble... Makes me anxious...
2. Some mornings... being alone does...
Two of Your Everyday Essentials
1. My animals
2. My basketball
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. bright pink singlet...
2. Funky blue pj bottoms
Two Things You Want In A Romance (Other Than Real Love)
1. Someone who loves my animals
2. Someone who makes my heart smile
Two Truths
1. Boys who can play bball are always sexc regardless of how they look.
2. Id quit my job in second if someone offered me a job working with animals...
Two Physical Things That Appeal to You
1. Eyes that smile
2. A boy who looks good playing bball
Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Playing basketball
2. Going to the movies
Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. A job with animals... or teaching
2. To wake up next to one great man for the rest of my life.
Two Ways That You Are Stereotypically a Chick
1. I need to about everything... over and over again
2. i over think things way too much
Two Things You Are Thinking About Now
1. How lonely i feel today
2.
Two Stores You Shop At
1. Any dvd place
2. I love Robo's pet barn
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| damn assignment |
[27 Oct 2005|04:48pm] |
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Its thursday.. the day before the assignment is due... its nearly 5pm and i havent started whitting it... Spent all day reaidng articles... have a flow chart of what to write.. but cant start... so again im avoiding it !!!! Arghhh... bring ont he weekend already.. im over working fulltime and studying part time... I wish i could win $30,000 and take off next year to do my degree in one year ... instead of two more... I wanna be teaching now...
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| Stupid assignments |
[23 Oct 2005|01:18pm] |
Sorted some stuff out at work.. though still stressed about the lack of work to do and the constant spying to see what im doing? Its going to be a long long 3 months...
I have an assignment due next friday... im avoiding it by playing on the internet... its the last assignment of the year.. and i cant be bothered... really cant... Guess i can write it inbetween work and bball during the week.. god i make life hard for myself... but next weekend... yup.. next weekend.. ill be free Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!
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| Work sucks |
[16 Oct 2005|05:15pm] |
Im majorly stressed about work... My boss gave me another talking too.. albeit nice on friday... The thing that gets to me is that everything she complains about is only things the girl i work with could know.. because my boss isnt around... It means that the girl i work with spies on me... and the two of them having meetings to discuss me.. Im starting to struggle with working under these conditions... i mean who wants to have their every move watched.. and the things the girl i work with report are not too reliable considering she doesnt liek me that much, which is mainly due to the fact thats shes soooo moody... Ive never worked with someone like her.. who can be nice one minute and say horrible things the next...
And then, my horse is sick and i need to see him as many times a day as i can... and as my work day is too late and o get home in the dark thus cant see him.. ive been getting in an hour early so that i can leave an hour early too see him.. but my boss all but told me that i cant come in early because theres no one there to see if im doing work!!! Meanwhile the other girl comes in 45 mins early nearly every prac morning and then claims it on Time in lieu... So whats the difference? Only that the two of them are close friends...
My weekend has been filled with anxiety and depression.. cos im worried im going to get told off.. no matter what i do.. I so dont wanna go to work tomorrow. Im trying my hardest... but theres way too many double standards and i just dont have a chance....
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