|
|
Sunday, June 21st, 2009
|
10:04a
Okay, so is he shy or just not that into me? Angel would say shy. I can't necessarily say that I would totally trust her judgment especially after the Wal-Mart debacle of 2004-05. Then again, she has been in a position to observe what she calls "looking at my hair admiringly" while I was checking out his books.
Perhaps, putting some thought into this would lend a better clarity to the situation. So, what have I observed these past two weeks in the way of his behavior?
1. When he wished to check out books or pay for his copies he approached me at the counter. Except for the day I was shelving books and he asked MK if he could use the computer. Okay, so maybe I'm not being singled out as the object of his library services. Then again, when both MK and I were at the counter, he did walk up to me. But, that could be easily explained by the fact that MK is a gossipy flirt who likes to hold long conversations with patrons, while I'm quicker at checking out his books.
2. In spite of what MK may think about morose long-facedness, he does smile.... at me. But, I don't think it really counts if I'm smiling first. I think that makes it more of a polite reciprocal smile. Which leads to number three....
3. If I ask him if he is having a nice day, it doesn't really count if he asks me the same in reply. Likewise, if I have to say hello first or goodbye, then he is just being polite. Of course there were those two days that he said bye and waved at me. WAVED. Literally, waved. Right hand up in the air, back and forth, waved. I was thrilled to wave back. So, does that make me the reciprocal waver?
4. He asked me to help him print out his directions. Maybe he really didn't know how to print out on the computer, many of our older patrons don't. But, come on! Am I supposed to believe that a person who can push buttons on a state of the art cell phone in order to pull up an address is in capable of knowing to click File-->Print-->OK. What if he had seen me help other people and was trying to be clever, like here's his chance to have my undivided attention by pretending to need help in printing his directions. What if he really needed help, and he asked me to help him, because I am the one at the library that helps people.
5. He overpaid not once, but twice for print outs... and a book sale book. Maybe he just doesn't like a bunch of change rattling around in his pocket. Maybe, it's just his way of contributing to the library.
6. Maybe he was just bored and truly wanted to just read some magazines. But that first day, he did come back later that afternoon after I had loudly announced to PC that I was going to lunch.
7. I did catch him looking at me when I was helping NF print out a job application. Maybe it was because NF didn't have enough money to pay for his print outs and I told him not to worry about it since it was for a potential job. Maybe I was being too loud and broke his concentration with the People magazine he was looking at. Why did I quickly look away when I caught him? I should have smiled, but then again if I had have smiled it might have looked like I was trying to do something to get his notice, but I wasn't. I was totally just trying to help NF out because he needs to get a job and I'd hate for ten cents to stand in the way of a job or not.
(comment on this)
|
12:01p
I think the situation is as it stands. I am totally crushing on the man. This happens every single time he shows up. I get all distracted and start over-analyzing and looking for any sort of hint on his part that he might think I am as cute as I think he is handsome.
Then there is the added angst of "Idon'treallycarethathewassupposedtohavebeensomeonetwentyyearsago," "IbetternotlooklikeIlikehimwhichIreallydobecausehe'llthinkIlikehimforadifferentreason," "Ihaven'teverseenhiminthatelement," "thefirsttimeIsawhimhewasastrangerbutIthoughthewasthemosthandsomemanIhadeverseen," "OMGI'dbetternotmakemyselflooklikeadork," and "OMGIthinkIjustmakemyselflooklikeadork." Which leads to the results of me trying so hard not to let on that I like him to the point that maybe I come off as a little rude. I just get so nervous because I have all these weird feelings bubbling through me and I'm am trying so hard to be an adult and rationalize every thing away to the point that I can convince myself that I do not like him which I know is a lie because I do. And yet, even though I do it could never work because I don't even really know him, so there you go, it's all a figment of angst residing in my head. Having said that, why won't the angst go away? I mean, afterall, if I can localize the cause of it and fully understand that it is is stupid silly stuff, then why can't I make the feelings go away.
(comment on this)
|
4:34p
Argh, it's my own damn fault. Every time that I convince myself that he possibly couldn't like-like me, I mentally turn around and convince myself that he does.
(comment on this)
|
5:09p
There is a poem out there by a poet called "Oriah" that I think is very simple but relevant.
The Invitation
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
(comment on this)
|
6:42p
Is it just wrong that instead of focusing on my Public Relations course work, that I am instead sitting here trying to figure out how long until he returns to the library?
Like, right now, I am totally excited because he left waving at me, so... um, maybe next time we will progress to him maybe saying more than just hi, hello, how are you.
If we could ever get to the point where we are friends, that would be so totally fucking awesome.
See, I'm not trying to get ahead of myself, nor am I being unrealistic. If it turned out that he was gay, then I would have a great friend... probably the best friend I'd ever have. If he isn't gay, and if he is just shy like others swear he is then, that'd still be good.
(comment on this)
|
|
|
|