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Sunday, June 28th, 2009
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8:07 pm - Realization
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If *he* asks me out, I will say yes without any hesitation. Yes, yes, yes. Good Lord, he needs to ask me out when he comes back from his trip.
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| Friday, June 26th, 2009
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8:07 pm
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I actually bought me two new dresses and some shoes to wear; you know, just in case I had to dress up and go somewhere at night... like a Saturday night.
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| Thursday, June 25th, 2009
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8:34 pm - Where the heck is Charlie?
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I think I have figured out what the problem is with my love life. It isn't because I am overly picky. It isn't for lack of men. It's because Charlie hasn't showed up. Charlie who you may well ask.
When I was three years old, I had it all figured out. I was going to marry a boy named Charlie, who would be a police officer, and we would have lots children... fourteen, to be exact. When I was in first grade, I decided that the boy I would marry would have to have a last name higher up in the alphabet than mine because I absolutely hated being of the last kids to line up for anything... damn Ms. Moss going all alphabetical for every single thing!
Now, I am not trying to sound all Oscar Wilde about people named Ernest, but maybe my problems stem from the fact that as far as I know, I have never, ever met a Charlie. Maybe I am subconsciously holding out for this childhood dream-boy. No, now I sound like Sandra Bullock in Practical Magic with her boy riding a horse backwards.
Sure wish he would finally show up.
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| Wednesday, June 24th, 2009
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12:56 pm
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DP just told me that he is seventy. OMG, I would not have thought that; he looks like he is in his fifties. He's a Leo born Aug 4. Well, at least I have an answer to one of my many questions about people. He is just a nice old man and that is all there is to it.
Now, I think I shall have a big sigh of relief.
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| Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009
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5:15 pm
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He's gone. Of course, I knew that he would be; but still there was that little piece of me that hoped that he hadn't.
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| Sunday, June 21st, 2009
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6:42 pm
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Is it just wrong that instead of focusing on my Public Relations course work, that I am instead sitting here trying to figure out how long until he returns to the library?
Like, right now, I am totally excited because he left waving at me, so... um, maybe next time we will progress to him maybe saying more than just hi, hello, how are you.
If we could ever get to the point where we are friends, that would be so totally fucking awesome.
See, I'm not trying to get ahead of myself, nor am I being unrealistic. If it turned out that he was gay, then I would have a great friend... probably the best friend I'd ever have. If he isn't gay, and if he is just shy like others swear he is then, that'd still be good.
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5:09 pm
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There is a poem out there by a poet called "Oriah" that I think is very simple but relevant.
The Invitation
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
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4:34 pm
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Argh, it's my own damn fault. Every time that I convince myself that he possibly couldn't like-like me, I mentally turn around and convince myself that he does.
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12:01 pm
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I think the situation is as it stands. I am totally crushing on the man. This happens every single time he shows up. I get all distracted and start over-analyzing and looking for any sort of hint on his part that he might think I am as cute as I think he is handsome.
Then there is the added angst of "Idon'treallycarethathewassupposedtohavebeensomeonetwentyyearsago," "IbetternotlooklikeIlikehimwhichIreallydobecausehe'llthinkIlikehimforadifferentreason," "Ihaven'teverseenhiminthatelement," "thefirsttimeIsawhimhewasastrangerbutIthoughthewasthemosthandsomemanIhadeverseen," "OMGI'dbetternotmakemyselflooklikeadork," and "OMGIthinkIjustmakemyselflooklikeadork." Which leads to the results of me trying so hard not to let on that I like him to the point that maybe I come off as a little rude. I just get so nervous because I have all these weird feelings bubbling through me and I'm am trying so hard to be an adult and rationalize every thing away to the point that I can convince myself that I do not like him which I know is a lie because I do. And yet, even though I do it could never work because I don't even really know him, so there you go, it's all a figment of angst residing in my head. Having said that, why won't the angst go away? I mean, afterall, if I can localize the cause of it and fully understand that it is is stupid silly stuff, then why can't I make the feelings go away.
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10:04 am
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Okay, so is he shy or just not that into me? Angel would say shy. I can't necessarily say that I would totally trust her judgment especially after the Wal-Mart debacle of 2004-05. Then again, she has been in a position to observe what she calls "looking at my hair admiringly" while I was checking out his books.
Perhaps, putting some thought into this would lend a better clarity to the situation. So, what have I observed these past two weeks in the way of his behavior?
1. When he wished to check out books or pay for his copies he approached me at the counter. Except for the day I was shelving books and he asked MK if he could use the computer. Okay, so maybe I'm not being singled out as the object of his library services. Then again, when both MK and I were at the counter, he did walk up to me. But, that could be easily explained by the fact that MK is a gossipy flirt who likes to hold long conversations with patrons, while I'm quicker at checking out his books.
2. In spite of what MK may think about morose long-facedness, he does smile.... at me. But, I don't think it really counts if I'm smiling first. I think that makes it more of a polite reciprocal smile. Which leads to number three....
3. If I ask him if he is having a nice day, it doesn't really count if he asks me the same in reply. Likewise, if I have to say hello first or goodbye, then he is just being polite. Of course there were those two days that he said bye and waved at me. WAVED. Literally, waved. Right hand up in the air, back and forth, waved. I was thrilled to wave back. So, does that make me the reciprocal waver?
4. He asked me to help him print out his directions. Maybe he really didn't know how to print out on the computer, many of our older patrons don't. But, come on! Am I supposed to believe that a person who can push buttons on a state of the art cell phone in order to pull up an address is in capable of knowing to click File-->Print-->OK. What if he had seen me help other people and was trying to be clever, like here's his chance to have my undivided attention by pretending to need help in printing his directions. What if he really needed help, and he asked me to help him, because I am the one at the library that helps people.
5. He overpaid not once, but twice for print outs... and a book sale book. Maybe he just doesn't like a bunch of change rattling around in his pocket. Maybe, it's just his way of contributing to the library.
6. Maybe he was just bored and truly wanted to just read some magazines. But that first day, he did come back later that afternoon after I had loudly announced to PC that I was going to lunch.
7. I did catch him looking at me when I was helping NF print out a job application. Maybe it was because NF didn't have enough money to pay for his print outs and I told him not to worry about it since it was for a potential job. Maybe I was being too loud and broke his concentration with the People magazine he was looking at. Why did I quickly look away when I caught him? I should have smiled, but then again if I had have smiled it might have looked like I was trying to do something to get his notice, but I wasn't. I was totally just trying to help NF out because he needs to get a job and I'd hate for ten cents to stand in the way of a job or not.
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| Saturday, June 20th, 2009
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3:38 pm
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This morning at the breakfast table, the topic of love at first sight came up. Dad told me that I would know the right man at the very first minute that I laid eyes on him. He said, he'd know the right man for me, too, if he ever saw him. He said that when God sends me the right man, that I would simply know and that would be that.
How? Attraction isn't love at first sight. Would he be the most handsome man that I have ever seen? How would I be able to tell the difference between a crush, lust, or love? I spent the day googling on this, and I have no clear answers.
Most people say that love at first sight doesn't exist. Love at first sight is often actually a plain old case of lust. And yet, Dad insists that I will know. How the hell am I supposed to?
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| Friday, June 19th, 2009
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8:13 am
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I woke up with a serious decision. If *he* comes in today and asks me out, I am going to ask him to step outside with me (so that the nosy co-workers and patrons won't be so damn nosy). I shall *big gulp*
First, ask him if he is trying to court me. If I get a positive response, or maybe even if I don't, I will be completely frank and honest. I am an old-fashioned girl. And if he can obtain my father's blessing, then my answer will be yes (with absolutely no hesitation).
Then as soon as *he* leaves, I'm going to go grab my cell phone and call Angel. She is, afterall, convinced that he *likes* me; and she is the only one that hasn't said anything about the noticeable difference in age.
There, I have figured out my quandary. Now I have an answer for a question that will never be asked.
If *he* does come in today, just watch my stomach jump into my lungs....
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| Wednesday, June 17th, 2009
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3:19 pm - DP
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Now DP is an old man. He used to work for the LAPD. He's pretty cool... for an old guy. I mean he's like in his 50s and all. When he retired, he spent 8 years living on a boat. He likes to watch Masterpiece Theatre, so we often talk about the new episodes after the weekend and all. Lately, he has taken to calling me honey, darling, and sweetheart.
Maybe I am overreacting since I tend to do that all so well, but does the old man, like, have a crush on me?
He told me that he has a fine house. Two-story, two bedroom and two bath sitting on eight acres.
A unknown dude came into day, just as DP was leaving. He hung around until the man left. He said that he stayed around just because he wanted to make sure I was safe. I told him that I appreciated his gesture.
So, is he just a nice old man or is there more to it?
I hope he is just a nice old man. I'd hate to have to hurt his feelings. Maybe I am just overreacting.
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| Saturday, June 13th, 2009
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7:29 pm
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I stuck my foot in my mouth... again. In an attempt to say something other than "yes," in reply to the question of how my day was... in an attempt to try to say something that would open up an opportunity for him to say something other than the barest minimal polite statements of hi, hello, how are you, thank you, I stuck my foot in my mouth. A lame reply came stuttering out of my mouth which did not lead to further conversation. A lame reply which he expressed no emotion, but promptly left.
:(
And I tried so very hard this time. I even rudely got up and left Ms. P in the lurch with her project. She had asked for my help in drafting up and sending out an email. And when he came in, I found myself backing out of her office just so I could be at the counter, and dammit, stand my ground.
I found a trivial thing to do (shelving application cards) so that I would be near and could check his books out... and I was so determined that I was going to be brave like the saying that "fortune favors the bold" and I was going to try to be friendly and NORMAL and not go running away.... and....
I stuck my foot in my mouth. I tried so very hard, and yet that damn stupid speech impediment of stuttering and mispronouncing things crawled up and reared its ugly head and all I could be was
LAME.
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| Thursday, June 11th, 2009
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6:03 pm
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Okay, here's my plight. Mr. "makemyheartgothumpitythumpity" A came in the library today just a few minutes before I walked out to lunch. And dammit, I'm always running and hiding when he comes in simply because he's so handsome that I get all nervous and don't know what better to do with myself.
Well, the thought hit me that if I am always like a panicky deer darting away then he might think that I think that he stinks, which he doesn't. Quite the contrary is true. So at 11:30 when I just about to dart out the door I said, rather loudly for I wanted him to hear and be sure to know that I wasn't just running away from him that, "P, I'm out to lunch."
Am I a dork?
Well, sometime between one and two o'clock, he comes back into the library. And instantly, the first thought that came to me was, OMG, he likes me, he came back to the library to see me... ME! And just when I resolve to try to not run away in my customary fit of nerves and instead stand my ground and see how far this might go, well, what happens, we get a crowd.
A crowd. A large group of summer camp kids and everyone else in God's green Earth comes in and needs help with computers and finding books. So, I spend my afternoon running around helping everyone and I nearly work myself into a panic because I had planned to not run away, but now I am being drug away by occupational duties.
So, like a dork, I see my moment and as I am walking by I tell him, "Hello." And....
He
Just
Keeps
Looking
Through
His
Stupid
People
Magazine
Did he not hear me? Did he think I was saying hello to another patron? Did he just flat out ignore me?
Damn stupid article about Jon and Kate and their stupid breakup.
I did catch him looking at me when I was trying to help out a patron with the computer. NF is broke, poor, and in need of a job. He was ten cents shy of having enough to pay for his copies and I told him not to worry about it. And who was looking up from his magazine to just stare at me.... but him.
What was that look on his face? It wasn't a smile. Was it disapproval? OMG, he made me feel like Lizzie Bennett being put under the prejudiced scrutiny of Mr. Darcy. I could only look away... at the floor like a dumb cluck... and rush back to the counter.
He eventually got up, put his magazine away (backwards, mind you) and left.
The same frustration happened to me back in November. He came in. He peeked into the Winehappel Room and paused like he wanted to ask me something. And all I wanted to do was to turn around and speak to him, but there were so many people crowding around the counter that I could not. Damn people and their terrible timing.
And here is the lame part, I was so upset and angry and frustrated because I didn't get to turn and help him, answer in inquiry or be witty, charming, or anything but a stupid idiot...
I am so frustrated with myself. WTF do I have to act all weird whenever he is around?
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| Wednesday, January 9th, 2008
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12:30 am - What's on my bookshelf?
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| Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
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12:24 pm - Academy seeks to take back Pickford's Oscars
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From the Internet Movie Database:
"The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is attempting to
prevent the sale of three Oscars that were awarded to Mary Pickford
and her husband Charles "Buddy" Rogers, the Associated Press reported
Sunday. Rogers's second wife Beverly had indicated that she intends to
sell the statuettes, but the Academy claims that under its rules it
has the right to buy them back for $10 each. A judge on Friday ordered
mediation of the lawsuit. In 2004 another judge ruled that the academy
had no right to the Oscar that Orson Welles received for Citizen
Caine, thereby allowing his daughter to proceed with a sale of the
statuette. Pickford won a best actress Oscar in 1930 for Coquette and
an honorary Oscar in 1976. Rogers received an Oscar for humanitarian
work in 1986."
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| Friday, December 28th, 2007
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12:41 pm - Chaplin Films Being Restored
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Washington Times
December 25, 2007
By Rebecca Frasquet
AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE - PARIS
Thirty years after his death, Charlie Chaplin's silly mustache and
funny walk are as popular as ever, largely thanks to the restoration
of his old movies by the Bologna film archive in Italy and to France's
MK2 film company, which has bought up the rights.
Mr. Chaplin died 30 years ago today on Dec. 25, 1977. But the biting
burlesque of works such as "The Gold Rush," "The Kid" and his last
silent movie "Modern Times" have stood the test of time, wowing film
lovers from Bangladesh to Brazil.
Since 2001, some 2.8 million Chaplin DVDs have been sold worldwide --
including 725,000 in Spain, 420,000 in the U.S., 300,000 in Britain
and France and 100,000 in Brazil. Yet in the late 1990s, Mr. Chaplin
had all but slipped off the movie map. Copies of his films had aged
and were rarely screened, prompting his descendants to look around for
a way to give them a second life.
It was during those years that films by the late French filmmaker
Francois Truffaut were reissued as DVDs by MK2.
"These high-quality editions allowed us to show what we could do, to
position ourselves at the top end of DVD productions," says Nathanael
Karmitz, who with his father, Marin, runs MK2.
Confident Mr. Chaplin would get equally good treatment, his heirs in
2001 handed over the international rights to 18 top Chaplin movies to
Marin Karmitz against a sum that remains confidential. They asked,
however, that his work be given new life in movie theaters.
MK2 handed over restoration to the Bologna film archive and film lab
Immagine Ritrovata and asked Warner to manage DVD releases worldwide,
while maintaining editorial leadership.
"Gathering together all the necessary elements to restore a film from
archives or from individuals the world over can take five or six
years," says Gianluca Farinelli, who heads the Bologna film archive.
If the original negative has been lost, restoration work can be
carried out on copies, which sometimes are not high quality, and which
are then "homogenized" by reducing the differences in the contrasts.
After finishing the old Chaplin features, Immagine Ritrovata -- along
with London's National Film and Television Archive and France's Lobster
-- next year plan to complete the restoration of 33 Chaplin shorts
produced by Keystone in 1914 and 1915 (two of the 35 made have been
lost).
Mr. Karmitz says the response in the U.S. had been disappointing
"because Americans have a short memory and are not very interested in
film heritage," but "in Brazil, Argentina and Japan, Chaplin is very
popular."
Pending the opening of a Charlie Chaplin museum in Switzerland, where
he died, his scripts and drawings have been digitalized by the Bologna
film archive and can be seen free of charge on the Internet.
A deal to purchase Mr. Chaplin's home overlooking Lake Leman (Lake
Geneva), his home for the final 25 years of his life, was reached last
week. The museum will house a permanent exhibition, a 200-seat cinema,
a shop and a restaurant.
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| Thursday, September 13th, 2007
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7:32 pm
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PA came in the library today. I made him sign a new Internet policy form. Yes, he needed to sign one because the policy had been revised many times over since he had first signed it. But, I think the main reason was so that I could keep him close at the counter for just a little while longer.
He is so handsome. Sure wished I could quit shaking whenever he is around. He makes me nervous. It is all I can do to barely speak to him.
Angel thinks that I am being too bashful and shy. I say there is more to the story. As incredibly handsome as he is, I can't just throw myself around like that, especially when I don't know him, and I am sure that I would look like some kind of silly child to him.
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| Monday, August 27th, 2007
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7:40 pm - Think, brain, think!
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I am racking my brain trying to remember the title of a beloved childhood book of mine. It was published pre-1985, and the art illustrations were very psychedelic. I remember it had a farmer and a tractor. The book was a hardcover and the predominate color in the cover was pink. I think the farmer was white-haired, smoked a pipe, and he had an appearance similar to the cartoon artwork of Rankin and Bass. Gosh, I would give anything if I could remember the title of that book.
My mom says it wasn't a psychedelic book; it was Christian. The tractor had words written in a spiral within it. Each page had a picture such as a butterfly with a verse about God's love or how special we are written within the image.
I have tried searching on Amazon and eBay for children's books about farmers, tractors, and farms; but the book is ever-so elusive. Maybe it had something to do with pumpkins? I am not sure. It was so long ago, and I was so very little when I gave it away. I want it back now.
current mood:  contemplative
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