No Disillusions' Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2004-05-22 01:27
Subject:LOOOOOONG TIME?
Security:Public
Mood: blank
Music:Comic View

Yes! It has been a long time since the last time I posted. A lot of things have occured in my live including. Some good, some bad. I am not on probation for school so my mom didn't trip that bad when I told her my grades. I am at home. Getting my stuff situated before I left Boston was a big hassle that I don't even want to think about, so I won't write about it. I have a new journal on Livejournal and that's where you can find me. I don't have a lot of entries on that because I haven't really had access to a computer or access time (when a computer was available. So yeah, this is just incase anyone gave a damn and followed my lowly life. I'm linking my livejournal as my website for my user info.

Much love.





Date:2004-04-24 05:10
Subject:Before I forget...
Security:Public
Music:Thugz Mansion- Tupac f. Nas (wishing it was that 3 Tony song

Can someone please tell me the name of the Toni Tony Tone song that has this phrase (or something close to it) in it. I've been looking for it for what seems like decades because I want to download it, and no one can help me... "What kind of man would I be, if I loved unfaithfully, and what kind of girl would you be, if you did the same"





Date:2004-04-24 02:52
Subject:Thinking about...
Security:Public
Mood: sleepy
Music:Let it Flow- Toni Braxton

So much stuff. Someone tell me why I procrastinate so much? Why do I end up doing things at the last minute? Why do I do things I don't want to do? Whatever. I'm doing laundry at well past two in the am and I got to go to work at 6:45 this morning. My laundry will not be dry until well after three, and I'm hella sleepy right now. I took my linen off my bed so I have to make my bed up before I go to sleep. I need to wash my hair again tomorrow morning cause I love the way it is drawn up right now, so that means less than three hours of sleep. I have to work until 11 and then I have a two hour break, and then I have to come back to work. I promised my girl Amy I would go to some thing at the halfshell with her tomorrow on my break and I just realized I gots to eat. So you are looking at one busy chica tomorrow. I have a creative project to complete and another five pages to do on my research paper. I am really ready for this thing to be over.

I was thinking about some things I wanted to put up here earlier yesterday but I forgot to... I sprained my damn anckle (?) and the f-ing elevator broke in my building. This has been a painful experience cause we don't have ice machines and I don't have a freezer or an ice tray. Made me want to fight somebody or something. The swelling went down today after I took my nap. I can't believe I didn't make a big deal about this cause it was definitely a big deal...

Oh yeah, I had a sex dream last night. It was wild. I don't know what I ate or when I ate it, but this dream was well past over due... but it was so f-ing bizarre, like out this world. SO yeah, I think I'm not going to go into that many details cause they aren't that clear twenty or so hours later but it involved a whole bunch of people from my building, one of my gay boy friends from home, a park, roller blades, naked bodies, me waking up throbbing... hmmm mmm. I still remember how I felt. Deep. I need to think about it some more.

Yada Yada Yada. I'm on tangents now. In the dining hall today I was making these crazy sounds and it was so cute and funnimous (I made that word up). So I was all in harmony with myself and all of a sudden I stop and everyone around me is doing it too on different keys. It was my honors group or whatever, and then all of a sudden fucking (yeah I did that on purpose) the whole dining hall is looking at us and joining in. It was beautiful. I was one powerful Black chica today. YES.

I'm about to start writing on this... (my creative pj)


I dream, she tells me. I dream of being able to love you completely, with everything that I have.

She is sitting astride me, her long legs trapping me against the chair. She leans in close until I can feel her breath kissing its rhythm on my lips. I match her breaths. We breathe together--one breath. I feel her arms form a web around my shoulders. Her thighs are resting comfortably on top of mine. I can feel her deeper than our bodies. Our connection is one that submerges itself, and gets lost in, emotions that hide deeply behind my smooth skin, sad eyes, thick lips, kinky hair, taunt stomach, perky breasts, wide hips, thunder thighs, and short stature. These emotions furrow themselves well past her peachy white skin, her bright, wide green eyes, her straight blonde hair, her almost none existent breasts, her thin smile, and her slender modelesque physique. Deeper.

I sometimes wish these feelings, these fillings, did not exist, but I know and she knows, they are ever present. I want to be inside of her at this very moment. Forever. She is beautiful. I am not.

She looks into my eyes, questioningly. Do you think you can handle that? Me loving you completely. Can you handle me? She smiles.

I stare back, pleading with god to let this be real, let it be true, let it be gone. No I can not handle you, I think. You are too much, and I never asked for you. I'll never be adequate enough to receive what you offer.

I think she feels this. She knows my answer even before I do, before she asks her questions. But she remains. She remains in my lap, her eyes locked onto mine, searching for something to convince her that the answers we both know to be true are false. I feel like I belong in a morgue somewhere. She makes me wish death. I want to be dead, because I know that this thing we share, this unspeakable thing that is more than love and loving and being loved, will end. It will be worse than death, and I will not be strong enough to remain standing. I cannot stand alone. She knows I cannot. And she remains.

I lean forward two inches and our lips graze. She tries to fall into the kiss quickly, but I pull back. I lean in again, this time a moment longer, and again, I retreat. Her bottom lip pokes out, and I smile. This game of hunter and prey makes me feel powerful. I lean in again and this time I catch her bottom lip between my lips, and I suck slowly, gently, until she begins to moan. I pull back and say, Just hold me, and she does, and we sit. I want to tell her I dream, too. What I dream about, I'm not ready to share.



Blah Blah Blah... So yeah, I been working on this entry for about two hours now in between laundry and talking to my folx, and I think I should at least try to get an hour of sleep before I get back up and go to work. I am done with the piece, but I think I'll put my synopsis of it on here later. Why am I justifying myself? Beats me.

2





Date:2004-04-23 15:07
Subject:Tender mind kisses... a rev0lution
Security:Public
Mood: happy
Music:overnight celebrity- twista

I'm sitting on a cloud right now, enjoying my life. Three more days of classes and I'm out this biatch! Then it's just me and Boston. Yes. I was reading over my journal this morning and I realized that I never really talk about the important things that happen in my life, like stuff I'll remember past tomorrow, even if I don't write it down. Some things I thought I should put up here is that I was taking a shower the other day and the light fixture fell. Like seriously. I thought earth quakes had relocated to the east coast or something. But yeah, I told my room mate and the next thing I know, the whole f-ing building was like, omg! I heard you almost died and I was like what? I did not almost die, I thought I was going to, but the rod that holds the shower curtain held it up until I could call facilities. It was like hanging from some wires. Weird yo, weird!

Last Friday, Chuma and I (Chuma is my "best friend," the one who's girl tried to start shit with me while I was working and who I thought I lost a while back, blah blah blah) had our day. It's officially the third friday in every April. We don't celebrate Christmas or birthdays per se, and so it's our gift-exchange-hang-out-all-day day. I gave him his favorite cologne per his request and he made me the coolest pillow and pajama bottoms ever! My favorite colors are an integral part of the motif, and I was hella happy about that. He had to work late and I took off so we could go out. We took the green line out to somewhere--we were trying to get to a restaurant called Grasshopper, a Vegan place he wanted to go to-- and we definitely rode longer than we were supposed to cause we got caught up... him boxing and me rapping. It was funny. White people are a trip. Anyway, we get off past our stop and walk backwards until he "thinks this is it" and it clearly wasn't. I feel like we walked up and down half of Boston trying to find a place that we NEVER got to. We ended up going to some hole in the wall pizza place that was actually pretty good. He wasn't happy, but it wasn't like it was my fault. We spent like four hours walking. I earned my food.

But yeah, so I was on the train, I saw this girl who I know I've seen before in a place I wasn't quite sure of, and she was eying me, and I was grazing over her face and she was GRILLING me like I was her only business. I kept thinking to myself where do I know this chick from and why does she look like she wants to fight me or something, so me and Chuma are just chilling, talking, laughing, boxing and rapping, having a good ass time and then she gets off and I look at her one last time and I realize, I met this chick on bp like two months ago and never got back to her...smfh... It's a small world. Anyways... just regressing into my last few weeks. I know there was something else I wanted to bring up but maybe laterz...

TODAY
Was nice, hence my feelings of being on a cloud. I went to bed early last night thinking I would get back up and do some work that has yet to be done. I woke up at like 6 am but was like, if I get up too early, I won't be able to stay up at work tonight. so I slept until like 9 am and got up, checked my mail, and thought about all the shit I have to do tonight and I remembered I needed to wash my hair. So I get up take a shower and wash my hair and all of that, and when I get out the shower, I'm wet and naked, my f-ing roommate, who I think likes me sexually (which is so gross cause she's fat and disgusting and has odors, blah) comes in and I'm like, in my most stern and mean face possible, can you give me a minute puh-leaze... and she was like, uh, yeah, I'll be RIGHT back, and I'm like biatch, I am not naked for you, and she was like oh, that. I swear I could have stabbed her or something. She makes me angry. And then this chick got the nerve to tell me her friend is coming in tonight so we should probably clean up and I'm like uh, no you didn't. You should have told me this shit earlier this week. Needless to say, I'm not cleaning up, but I am going to do my laundry because I planned on doing that last night anyway, after I took my nap that ended up being a long sleep. Sheesh. She gets on my nerves....

So yeah, I get dressed and get out of the building (riding my new scooter! YAY!) and it is pouring down, cold cold rain, and I'm like bish, I just washed my hair (good thing I didn't worry about drying it) and now it's going to smell like nature. Yuck and yuck! I was soaked by the time I got to Dunkin Donuts where I got my fav... plain bagel with cream cheese (YES!). It was cool. Now that I think about it, I actually like walking/scooting through the rain at home because it's generally a warm rain but cold rain sucks. I went to class and I got a 10 on my post-modern poem! Jason recognizes... at least I think he does. That was a capstone. My only 10 this semester. But it's all good. Then we watched this hella cool movie called Theremin and it was so awesome. I think I'm going to rent it from the library. It's definitely worth the walk. blah blah blah... I got paid today and I just want to say I hate the fucking government. I hate them. My check was almost what I expected it to be but then those bitches took like thirty bucks of my money. Fucking A. I still have to get storage too. Humph. Whatever. I still have like two more checks so I should be good....

I'm tired of typing now, but I do have so much more to say, especially as it concerns money, but I guess I'll save it until later. I always say TBC but I never do, so I won't say TBC this time.

I'll holla...





Date:2004-04-21 16:09
Subject:Hmmmmnnn
Security:Public
Mood: excited
Music:Hope- Twista F. Cee-lo

So I'm elated if sleepy. I need a nap. I'm glad today is over as far as my classes are concerned. I finally got my f-ing scooter. YAY me! Needless to say, I'm happy as hell right now. I talked to K last night and it was kinda cool. She was aloof, in her own little world, but it was nice. I like talking to her, listening to her mostly. She makes me happy in the most simplest way. Blah blah blah. I can't talk right now. So I'm about to go take that nap. Much love... YAY





Date:2004-04-20 18:01
Subject:going at it again...
Security:Public
Music:wyclef and sharissa- take me as i am

I talked to K and it was kind of nice. She even emailed me to explain some things but I'm not letting her is so easy this time. NOPE. Not happening. I keep wondering why I'm letting her in like this. I'm about to go home and I'm going to miss her. We share this city and that's cool and appealing and a lot of other things. I wrote about her in a book that I was reading, just in the margins. It's crazy. My thoughts are consumed by her. Dumb me.

I have to go to work in less than an hour. I am not looking forward to it because I am hella tired. I think I slept too much last night but I went to bed so sick. It was horrible. I thought maybe my period was coming on or something but no, I was just sick. It was horrible.

Yesterday, it seemed like I ran into all of my gay guy friends in one place (cause I did) and all of them were commenting on my "tits and ass" and I was like what the fuck? I've had these same tits and ass for as long as each of you have known me. What's the deal today. It must have been something in the food or something, or maybe the weather, but all I know is that it was hella uncomfortable. People sure know how to make a girl self-conscious about her body. Anyway. Now that I think about it, I'm mad. Whatever. I got some things I need to do so I'll be back here later, maybe...





Date:2004-04-20 01:29
Subject:Time to get serious
Security:Public
Mood: indescribable
Music:Donny Hathaway-A Collection

My stomach is hurting and I want to go to bed. I got to work tomorrow but I don't have classes so I'm cool in that respect. I gotta write a post-modern poem. It ain't happening. I read a book yesterday that wasn't for a class. Yay me! It rejuvenated my spirit. I give up on K. She's cool but not dependable. I'm not a quiter but then again, maybe I am. It isn't worth the heartache this early in the game. Who knows, if she comes around, things can be different. The Boston Marathon was interesting to say the least. It was kinda cool watching them and cheering for them and stuff. Amazing.

I'm.
Constant
ly trying
to prove myself
To you. I am what
you say I am only
because I think I am.
Can't you see through me. A mill-
ion voices fighting in me to
be heard. they speak in tongues. lan
guages that only eye comprehend.
See?
Nothing is as it appears, only as it appears,
it appears. Clear and indistinct. Distinctly.
See?

TBC... a postmodernist poem in progress.





Date:2004-04-15 23:51
Subject:Feeling?
Security:Public
Mood: sleepy
Music:Midnight Love...

I'm so ecstatic right now, it isn't even funny. I'm addicted to the Alvin Ailey company. Gorgeous is all I can say about that. Makes me wanna... makes me wanna... hollaaaaaaaaa. I've been twice in the last two nights and I'm going again on Saturday and if this girl Lisa goes again on Sunday, I might have to tag along for that one too. I need to go cash my check but I lost my account number somewhere in my room so I'm rolling on E for a little while. It's a bish. But back to the show. Let me say first that all of the peeps up in the show are hella fine, but there is this one chick, she is chocalaty with a nice little fade and so feminine. Hmmmm. Beautiful. She's so graceful and elegant and well, fine. But yeah. The company is phenomenal and I think every Black person in the world should see at least one of these shows in their lifetime.

Hmmm. Yeah. My grades are looking sketchy right now. That makes me sad, but I'll be okay. Even if I am on probation, it won't be too bad. Besides that, things are always on the look up.

This chick I met, the one I mentioned a few days ago, is, I don't know, inconsistent to say the least. I mean, I am feeling her deeply. I haven't felt this way sense the beginning of my relationship with my ex-boy. She's assertive, aggressive, insightful, tough, funny, intelligent, encouraging, understanding, attentive, open, inquisitive... just an overall beautiful person, or whatever, but she keeps giving me mixed signals. Like, she'll tell me something, but I can't depend on it. I know she has a lot going on in her life or whatever but I would at least like to know... whatever. I'm sounding hella selfish but I can't help it, this is my life. She was in a car accident today but I haven't been able to talk to her about it yet. This really fucks up a lot of stuff in her life. I hope everything is okay and hopefully I'll be able to talk to her about it tomorrow... anyway.

My ex-boy called me from Iraq today and the message he left me was hella somber and I don't know how to respond to it. I hope he comes back alive. He deserves his life just as much as fucking dickhead bush.

Okay, so Adina Howard's new video is on... I wonder what anyone thinks about this new video. The song is so sexy, like most of her songs are, but the video... what do you think? I just had to put that question out there.

I wanted to talk about something else but I'm hella sleepy so I think I'll just try to remember some other time...

TBC





Date:2004-04-11 11:09
Subject:hmmm
Security:Public
Mood: excited
Music:Track 16- Voyage to India

it's been long time, i should'na left you, without a fly post to read to...

anyway, things are looking up and down for me but it's all good. i feel like the good, more than compensates for the bad right now. and i'm going to start by saying that i'm making money with this little school work thing! it's great. i haven't even gotten my check from last week but it's all good. my next check is going to be bigger than this one by about a hundred dollars so when it's all said and done, i will have earned all the money back i spent on shopping the other week. this is really good because i'm enjoying my stuff and i haven't taken anything back, so it's like YAY me! next, i met a girl. nuff said about that. i'm going to take this thing slow cause there is no need for me to get overwhelmed to quickly. she's older and a hand full and a half if i may say so myself. :0) i'm excited about it. i'm not trying to get with her, but i think she's trying to get with me, and i'm not ready for a "relationship" yet. it's so complicated, but it feels good.

so the bad, i skipped all of my classes on thursday and friday and i still haven't turned any of my papers in, which means that i probably shouldn't be typing right here right now. i think i'm going to push about two more pages of research out of my ass and then i'll get back to this.

much love.





Date:2004-04-05 00:03
Subject:almost doesn't count
Security:Public
Mood: calm
Music:dragon days-alicia keys

i've been trying to write something in this journal for the last few days and i keep failing miserably, but it doesn't matter cause don't nobody care anyway. so yeah, saturday was hot. busy as all hell, but HOT. (not the weather, the aura). i worked for a while, then i took a lil nap (i think) and then it was off to casino night which was pure fun. i wish i would have been able to win something though, but i couldn't because i am on sga. but it was so fun. i was so cute. i think i took a few pictures here and there. i dealed black jack and i am so horrible cause i can't count for shit. i think that's why i'm at this school. it was kinda embarassing but i think the folx understood. the food was good. my boy actually talked to me. i was kinda excited about that.

i'm trying to think if i wrote about his girl coming up to me friday while i was working trying to cause a damn scene. every time i think about that shit, it gets pettier and pettier. like jay-z said "dirt off ya shoulder." i left that petty stuff back in middle school where all the kiddies were kiddies. but she's young though, so i try to keep that in mind, but still, if you want to be in an adult's world, act like an adult. don't get me wrong (or maybe you should), i am not grown and i know this, but i have been through too much shit in my life, seen too many things occur for me to be stiffled on some shit like me not braiding her hair. she want her hair braided, go get that shit done professionally or let me blow dry her hair straight and we can work from there. until then, "bitch be gone" (and know, i rarely refer to anyone as bitch. i have been having this "bitch" conversation ALLLLL weekend). i am not a child and i will not be treated like a child and i will not treat her like a child. if she can't handle it, then get out my life. i DON'T need or want her. at first she was cool and i wanted to get to know her but after a while, i was just doing him a favor. whatev. now that i have officially gotten that out the way, i'm done with it.

but speaking of braiding, i braided two heads this week and got no compensation. but it's all good. it was fun. i enjoy it and i feel like doing someone's hair is a way to bond with them. i got to know ap better and me and drine just joked out the whole time. mucho fun, no doubt.

i talked to one of my sisters today and it was nice. told her what's going on up here and alla dat and she was like, you know how we do... just do you. i needed to hear from her. she is going through so much stuff right now. i wish i could be there for her. i miss her like whoa.

OHHHHHHH. i almost forgot, like i always do. i went shopping today and it was so much fun. i got a lot of cute things. i bought like four pair of shoes and some nice little spring things, but it's supposed to snow tomorrow. i mean, it's april and it's still snowing up here. to me that's just ridiculous. i bought like three pair of tennis shoes and some high heels. three weeks ago, i bought some tims. i'm just spending my money outta control. it's crazy, but i ain't mad at me. i'm glad to be me! this means i can't buy anymore clothes or shoes this summer which is going to be hard as hell and really won't happen. i need to get a job this summer but i am talking all those classes this summer and i need some good grades, but it's whatever. gotta make sure i can still get HOPE cause if i ain't got hope, i ain't got nothing. tangents. i got mice in my room and some how them bitches got all up in my drawers. tennessee and uconn won today. i did laundry. i actually was able to go across campus and eat today. i need to make arrangements to get my things shipped home really soon. i need STORAGE like whoa. i'm excited about next year because i will have my own room and i'll definitely be able to work with that. isa's sister is pregnant so she is going back to haiti this summer. the year is almost over.

i need to do some reading for the class i am going to miss tomorrow. i have lunch with the president and the trustees tomorrow! promises to be fun.

anyway, i think i left some things out but hey, whatever. i'll probably catch up later.

much love loved,
2





Date:2004-04-03 11:02
Subject:if i were your woman...
Security:Public
Mood: cheerful
Music:If I Ain't Got You- Alicia Keys

So yeah, I'm sitting here with so much shit on my mind. I hate when I'm not on pace with my thoughts. It's sad as hell. So I met this guy named Jesse who is fine as fuck and he is the first guy I have been sexually attracted to since I've been in the bean. I mean, there are plenty of guys that I have found physically attractive but none sexually. I mean, pure sex appeal and he looks nothing like my "type." First of all, he is white. Second, he is short. Third, he's white which in compasses a lot of the other reasons he isn't my type including the thickness in tha lips. But he is so cool. On another level. The first time I had a conversation with him we talked about women's rights. He doesn't even know me enough to know that I'm into that aspect of politics. He's a senior and he's graduating next month so there isn't much time for me to get to know hime :0( but it's all good. i need to go stalk him or something instead of sit here writing about it.

I saw some pictures from prom and I must say that for all my physical flaws, I was kinda cute that night and my fro was humongous if lopsided, but it's all good, no? YES.

I got some other things to talk about but I really should go take a nap because my second shift starts at one so I only have a little under two hours to do what I need to do. It's all good though. I'm stoked.

This is my newest poem but it isn't a poem in the imagist sense or many other senses for that matter. But here it is:

i feel.
beautiful



Hmmm, I'm thinking that I wish I could reverse my two semesters around.

I'll be back later. Don't forget... SPRING FORWARD tonight...





Date:2004-04-02 07:36
Subject:fuck me. please?
Security:Public
Mood: angry
Music:C-SPAN

I know what I totally forgot to talk about today... the bill that passed to "protect fetuses." So I know that I don't have all the information on it, and getting all the information could take years, but uh, WHAT THE FUCK? Bush needs some cock in his life, is all I can say about that. COCK that isn't his own. What-EV. AHHHHH. I can't even articulate my shit anymore. I probably need to stop cursing.

I am watching the Washington Journal on C-SPAN and Tavis Smiley is on. There are some ignorant folks saying some ignorant stuff on national television. I really wish I could be more articulate right now. I will come back and talk about this later when I'm fully functional.





Date:2004-04-02 03:23
Subject:can you see me?
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative
Music:charlene- anthony hamilton

do you want to see me? ___ yes or ___ no

don't want to go to sleep. don't need to go to sleep. won't go to sleep.

i need a dentist's services like it ain't no body business. my mom told me this a year ago and did i listen? no. i still got about two months before i go home, too. this ish must be addressed immediately. i think what i'll do is call her tomorrow and ask her if it's okay if i get my teeth cleaned up here. i'll just go to the health and wellness center and see if they have any connections to dentists close to the school. ha! i just worked that shit out in my head.

i've been thinking that it's true. my tongue is kind of lazy, but i like my accent aside from my voice.

i've been thinking of a poem. it's still elusive but i'm thinking it would start like this:

kisses linger against my thoughts,
tender reminders that i
feel and can be felt. the kisser
hides behind memories of

so yeah, i've been thinking





Date:2004-04-02 01:11
Subject:do you?
Security:Public
Mood: calm
Music:sounds out my window and aim

i love my mother. we have been through so much drama together and somehow we are still mother and daughter. it's crazy. nothing i wouldn't do for that woman. she is so funny. i think i get my funniness from her. she made my day today.

i woke up from a sweet nap. it was beautiful. i don't know what i dreamed about but i'm refreshed so that means that it was nice.

for some reason when i woke up just now, the question on my mind was, "do you trust yourself?" and i'm not sure if i have the answer to that.





Date:2004-04-01 19:04
Subject:everyday...
Security:Public
Mood: satisfied
Music:family business- kanye west

i realize how young i am and how much i don't know. today i'm glad to be alive and be able to experience my life as i am. i don't want to be anything other than what i am right now because this is all that i can be and i'm not mad at that. don't get me wrong, i have aspirations, and daily i come closer and closer to attaining them, but this step, this stage right here, is adequate. sometimes it hurts to know that people don't see me as i see myself and they don't accept me as i accept myself, but i'm not mad at that either because they are not me.

i am an open book... unfinished but slowly getting there. read my pages, tear them out, highlight my passages, write foul language in the margins. do whatever. but at the end of the day, i'm still an open book and the alterations that you make to my surface doesn't change what i am at the core and what i was intended to be.

word

so my skin smells so good. like that natural smell that comes hours after your last shower, after the scent of the lotions, perfumes, and soaps fade. i don't know if anyone knows what i'm talking bout but, hey, I KNOW. my skin smells like goodness (my teacher would flip if i turned a line like that in to be graded).

my hair is acting the fool cause the rain is really agitating it. it's out of control. but i like it. nobody likes it today... fuh um. they can't appreciate the african in me... but i ain't mad. no need for that.

i got acne like a muh fuh a. but i ain't mad at it. it's natural. my ass is so serene right now. it's good. i like it.

i miss being touched. now that i think about it, i do need somebody in my life. maybe i'll meet somebody when i go home this summer. oh the anticipation. i hate the awkward stage at the beginning of a relationship. woe is she who has little patience.

i hate it when people talk about people like the way they look is their fault in both the positive and negative ways. like, yeah, when i was born i decided that my teeth were going to be crooked and gapped or my titties were going to be small and my body slender and my ass flat and my skin medium brown and my hair kinky and my face acne prone and my height short and my voice heavy and my eyes brown and my toes imperfect. i DECIDED all of that. yeah, me. i did it. and fuh it. i ain't ugly but everyone is entitled to their own opinions. yeah, just thought i'd put that out there.

that's my final word. much love lover.

essa





Date:2004-04-01 01:39
Subject:to the love of my life
Security:Public
Mood: high
Music:whereareyougoing-musiq

how do i articulate the joy circulating through every particle of every fiber of my being? and there is no tangible explanation. i'm exhilarated and nothing else matters. i feel like i'm going through some kind of spiritual cleansing or something. this it too cool, too refreshing. i'm in one of my "high" modes... in a few days it'll be "depressed as usual" but it's all good. i'm going to ride this bitch til the wheels fall off.

i stumbled across this journal today, read a couple of entries and i wanted to save her. really fix all the things that seem to be going wrong in her life. but i don't know her and that ain't my job so i guess i'll just keep her in my thoughts and hope shit works out.

from the love of her life... ME





Date:2004-03-31 19:50
Subject:sweetness tastes like?
Security:Public
Mood: bouncy
Music:far away-kindred the family soul

hell, i don't know. today i learned to try to take desciption to another level beyond the obvious. but what is description but the obvious? i don't know that either. this is challenging and i feel as though it's really the first time that i am learning cause lately i've been grade motivated. this system i work in is slowly killing that drive and determination i started with. but it's all good. i think i'm bout to break out of these boxes and turn some heads. who knows?

my fingers smell like syrup. they taste like syrup and my skin. i'm not ready to wash them. this is bad.

i withdrew from my american lit class today! oh the true excitement in my life. plus i don't have class tomorrow so i'm pretty much on a VACATION! but yeah, back to reality. i wish i could make your life as easy as possible but i can't do that if you don't let me in. just thought i'd drop that line.

2





Date:2004-03-29 18:45
Subject:not a poem... before i don't go
Security:Public
Mood: thoughtful
Music:spaceship-kanye west

a work in process (a spoken word piece). call it a late black history month thang, or
whateva. i don' care.


tentatively entitled: for all the white people i've ever loved
and who claimed to love me back

transparent transgressions transport trains
of thought through my mind,
but my third eye is buried somewhere
beneath the souls of my feet
transporting weary li(v)es across
desert oceans, captured
in the belly of the beast
give us us free,
ahhhhhhh, wanna holla out
something proper like,
make it known
us was free long before
abe lincoln signed some
emanci(fake)tion proclaimation.
us was free long before we planted cotton,
long before pictures of family trees
were planted on our backs.
long before we were paraded on aution blocks,
before we were unpacked off ships,
we sailed the atlantic shackled in chains,
watched our brothers and sisters,
uncles, aunts, fathers and mothers
jump or be thrown to their lives
(and for this we forget them)

we was free hundreds of years before we
were allowed to sit next to you in your restaurants.
go to your public libraries and schools,
before we could address you by any name other than
missy ann or massa
us was free and you want to forget that.

you are not doing me a favor
by knowing me, claiming to love me,
coming to one black history program a year
for me?

i, i, i, know i been changed,
i said that i, i, i, know i been changed
cause the angels in heaven done
clawed my name inside the fiery
walls of satan's heart and he's calling me
and they are singing:
"go back home where you belong"
they keep pounding into the fibers of my brain
"go back home where you be lonely"
but i, i, i, was born right here in amerikkka
"land of the free, home of the slaves"
god fuck. i would go home if i knew where it was

(the shit ain't copyrighted and it ain't worth stealing, but i don't give a fuh)





Date:2004-03-29 17:42
Subject:it never ends
Security:Public
Mood: bouncy
Music:janet-any time, any place

i was just about to say that i have nothing to do but then i realized that i always have something to do. i really need to work on my time management.

today was a pretty good day. i still have that feeling that something good is going to happen to me today. i don't know when it will be but it has to be soon cause i'm about to take a nap and then get up and work on some stuff that isn't due until later on this week... yay me!

i got a paper back from my bitch teacher jason and he said that my paper was snotty. i thought that it was hella funny and appropriate. he gets on my damn nerves, but i'm glad his ass recognized it was a good paper anyway. hopefully, i'll be able to pull some more 9s out of him and maybe some 10s. i'm going to register for my fall classes next week and i'm so excited. next year, i get to get into my other major! so excited, i don't even know how to articulate it. i got so much paper work to fill about about the whole adding a major thing. after that, it should kinda be smooth sailing, nah mean? i'm bubbly for some reason.

i bought a razor scooter online saturday and i should be getting it sometime this week. the damn shuttle stops running during the day the week after next :-(. that pisses me off cause i'm always running late for some reason or another be it because my dumb room mate turns my alarm off and doesn't wake me up or my behind beat my alarm until it just doesn't talk to me anymore... whateva the reason, i need the shuttle to be at my disposal. but i'm glad i'm getting the scooter though.

i just realized how boring my life is. i am soooooo boring. i don't do anything worth talking about, but eh, i talk about it anyway. i wish i had my crew from ga up in this piece. i really need to go find some cool and interesting black folkses in the bean. too many white peeps make me hella bitter. hella!

i talked to mi chica isabelle today and it felt good. she looked rugged as all hell cause her weekend was fast pace in the city. i'm sad she's transferring but it's all goo, i'll see her when i go for the weekends cause my schedule is looking pretty nice for next semester... no classes on fridays, no classes before 12 and that's all that matters. i'm an ra though so, that will kinda hinder me being able to go as i please when i please but it's still looking hotttttt.

hmmm, i think imma take that nap now... sleep til bout ten, get up, do like five hours worth of work and then go back to sleep and wake up and start anotha day in tha life...

;0)





Date:2004-03-29 06:15
Subject:You can run...
Security:Public
Mood: blah
Music:multy- looking for love

and ya ass can hide, too! i don't give a damn no mo. thas ma two cents on tha subject. it's like 6:30 in the a.m. and i ain't been ta bed. today is gonna be hella long. i just finished my rough, rough ten page draft and i have toado a presentation on it today. eh. if i brush ma teeth and take a shower now, i can take a nap and be back up in time to make it to class on time. my room is so junky. i am hella overwhelmed, but imma keep tha head on straight. i was just thinking to ma self, why i gotta speak all broken on heah cause i speak so damn propa in real life... for the most part anyway. it's that suthin gul commin out in meh i guess. whatev (that's valley for ya)!

but seriously, i am so tired. i have a pretty good feeling about today though. maybe something tight will happen to me.

oh yeah, i was having this discussion about my sexuality with this random dude, and he told me that he didn't think i was bi-sexual because i have never had a sexual experience PERIOD. he was like until i have any kinda experience, i'm just a human or whatever. he gave me the example that if he went to a store and thought about stealing a watch and didn't steal the watch, did that make him a thief because he thought about stealing or did the act of stealing make him a thief. i told him i had to go but the next time i talk to him, i'm going to tell him that we are who we think we are without regards to what others think us to be (unless we chose to think that what others think is what constitutes us essentially). hell yeah, that muhfuh is a thief cause in his mind, he done walked out the store with the watch and is flossing it to his friends. what stopped his ass was the thought of being held in a concrete prison over some petty shit like a watch (a prison on his wrist no less). i think i'm a student in the school of, what you think defines you, more than what you do. now, i know someone (anyone?) might be thinking of a million examples to disprove this school of thought but all i got to say is psychology is deeper than what you do and what you don't do... psychology is what you think and psychology is the little wheel that's turning all of us around and around in the world.

but anyway, i'm getting a headache so that means i must leave now...

much love self,
;0)




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