I don't get it...   
06:00pm 29/12/2004
 
mood: aggravated
I hate reading what she wrote. He's falling for a girl exactly like me and it's disgusting. I wish he'd just forget.

)-(+mind_fuck+)-(
 
     Post
 
Damn...   
03:26pm 21/12/2004
 
mood: annoyed
My dad really has a way of making me feel like shit.

My day was fine I guess. Dan and I are getting along a lot better than expected. I'm still grounded though... which means I have to wait til friday to see my Matt. Grrr.

I really hate the fucking holidays. And Mike Hazard.

)-(+mind_fuck+)-(
 
     Post
 
Wow...   
10:12pm 20/12/2004
 
mood: aggravated
It's real mature how people steal things. Actually, it's really low. Really selfish, and really low.

)-(+mind_fuck+)-(
 
     Read 1 - Post
 
Stressed...   
07:23pm 20/12/2004
 
mood: discontent
Grounded... away from boyfriend... owe school work... quitting smoking... i fuckin hate christmas... this is great.

The fact that I know I can't hold him right now makes me miss him even more.

)-(+mind_fuck+)-(
 
     Post
 
I actually have something to say...   
06:52pm 19/12/2004
 
mood: emo
I can't even remember the last time I put some kind of thought into a journal entry. So it's time.


_LOVE
Dan broke up with me. To be honest, I thought I'd be much more effected by it. But meeting Matt made me realize how much better things could be. Matt would never hit me or lie to me. Gary says it will last two weeks but I know it will be much longer.

I had sex with Matt about a week before we were dating. The next day I was actually surprised he called me. What surprised me even more is how happy I am when he's with me. He just plain makes me happy.


_BEAUTY
I don't care what anyone says to me, in my mind, I'm fat. I look in the mirror and I want to cry. No matter what I do I can't get rid of my fucking fat stomach. Sometimes I worry because I know how Matt likes girls really skinny, and he assures me all the time that it doesn't bother him... but maybe I'm just paranoid. In my mind I don't look like other girls do, like girls should.


_SMOKING
I'm trying, I really am. I've cut down so much. But now that I have motivation to quit it's a lot easier.

I have a lot more to say but I guess I'll get to it tomorrow. That's way too much bitching and self pity for one night.
 
     Post
 
And I can't stop crying...   
01:10pm 19/12/2004
 
mood: indescribable
I'm trying so hard.

I finally find someone who makes me feel like the luckiest girl on earth. Someone who treats me better than I've ever been treated. I didn't know people like him existed. Hell, I didn't even think I ever had a chance with him.

And shit like this happens. Next time I see Mike Hazard I am going to beat the living shit out of him.

)-(+mind_fuck+)-(
 
     Post
 
Wow...   
10:37pm 16/12/2004
 
mood: giddy
I really miss him... a lot...

But I get to see him tomorrow! I'm actually... oh what's the word... oh yes. HAPPY.

)-(+mind_fuck+)-(
 
     Post
 
I have to pee...   
03:01pm 13/12/2004
 
mood: curious
Today was alright. I am, however, going to kill caleb because he is a sexist moron.

I guess I have nothing to say right now.

)-(+mind_fuck+)-(
 
     Post
 
Stolen from Dave Gunn...   
07:31pm 12/12/2004
 
mood: calm
music: Beck- Nobody's Fault But My Own
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Parachute
2. Steve
3. Motz

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. xxxxxxx18xxxxxxx
2. parachuteOWNSyou
3. skatezooyork

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My back
2. My eyes?
3. My conjunctafunct shoulders

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My body
2. My face
3. My voice

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Italian
2. German
3. Lithuanian

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Dolls
2. Spiders
3. My nightmares

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Work boots
2. CD player
3. My necklace with Matt's ring on it

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. My "Git-R-Done!" shirt
2. Ciara's brown pants
3. That's it... underwear is for the weak

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:
1. Slipknot
2. Beethoven
3. Beck

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Children Of Bodom- Needled 24/7
2. Beethoven- Moonlight Sonata
3. Otep- My Confession

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. I want a bloody nose really badly.
2. To be friends with Elise like we were before the cult stole her.
3. To not fuck things up with Matt because I really really like him and I am not going to fuck it up even a little bit.

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I am hopelessly unattractive.
2. I hate vegetarians.
3. I am a virgin.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE GENDER/S
YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Eyes
2. They can't be skinny
3. Facial hair


THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Lie to my friends
2. Eat pancakes
3. Cheat... on people... I admit to cheating at Monopoly. I fucking hate that long ass game.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. People watching
2. Playing bass
3. Staring at walls

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. I've had to urge to fight somebody for like 2 months
2. See or talk to Matt (awww... shut up)
3. Go rafting

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Diesel technician
2. Truck driver
3. Deisel technician

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Niagra Falls (but with someone I love because everytime I go there I just want to be with someone I love)
2. Washington DC (I love it there)
3. St. Catherines

THREE KID'S NAMES:
1. Abortion #1
2. Abortion #2
3. Abortion #3

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Be on the news
2. Fall in love and never fall out of it
3. Play in a band

Well that wasted a lot of time.

)-(+mind_fuck+)-(
 
     Post
 
This feeling is horrible...   
02:53pm 09/12/2004
 
mood: crushed
Once again he has succeeded in making me feel worthless.

I regret believing every "I love you" and forgiving every "I'm sorry". I'll never believe it again. This isn't how love should feel, even I know that.

)-(+mind_fuck+)-(
 
     Post
 
Today...   
05:11pm 07/12/2004
 
mood: content
music: Marilyn Manson- Sweet Dreams
One hundred and eighteen notes.

Someone once told me that taking the time to sit down and write someone a letter that you actually put thought into is one of the most meaningful things you can do for a person. And I agree completely. Its just hard to get over years of meaningful expression...

Well... I'm dealing. Thankfully I have friends who are there for me when I need them.

Ryan Dunn is sexy.

)-(+mind_fuck+)-(
 
     Post
 
I feel lonely...   
10:54pm 05/12/2004
 
mood: sad
music: HIM- Heartache Every Moment
I feel sick right now, don't know why. I wish I had someone here. I don't know why but I just suddenly feel really alone. Eh, bitch bitch bitch.

)-(+mind_fuck+)-(
 
     Post
 
Unreality...   
08:52pm 05/12/2004
 
mood: predatory
I hear his breath cease and it means nothing. My name; I cannot remember my name. The moment seems to be a century and all life excluding him and I has paused and yeilded to the energy of our flame. The tiny flicker burns and burns, the flame grows and soon we are both consumed by the warmth, caught in a manic trance. My grip tightens around his neck as he submissively slips deeper into the fire. Our bodies are one as a burst of light expels him into ecstacy...

A soft breath sends smoke dancing from the bare wick.

)-(+mind_fuck+)-(
 
     Post
 
I feel sad...   
10:34pm 13/10/2004
 
mood: cynical
I wanna bleed... I want the world so see what I look like inside... maybe it's prettier than the outside...

I... am nothing.

)-(+mind_fuck+)-(
 
     Post
 
Deftones- Change...   
07:13pm 09/10/2004
 
mood: indifferent
I've watched you change
Into a fly
I looked away
You were on fire
I watched a change
In you
It's like you never
Had wings
Now you feel
So Alive
I've watched you change
I took you home
Set you on the glass
I pulled off your wings
Then I laughed
I watched a change
In you
It's like you never
Had wings
Now you feel
So alive
I've watched you change
It's like you never
Had wings
I look at the cross
Then I look away
Give you the lungs to
Blow me away
I've watched a change
In you
It's like you never
Had wings
Now you feel
So Alive
I've watched you change.
Now you feel Alive
You Feel Alive
I've watched you change
It's like you never
Had wings

)-(+mond_fuck+)-(
 
     Post
 
Meaningless survey...   
09:56pm 06/10/2004
 
mood: sick
[a]ge: Sixteen
[b]estfriends: Sadly, my collection of plastic things have told me the least lies.
[c]hoice of meat: Calamari, if that counts as meat.
[d]ream date: Watching stars in an area away from all other forms of life.
[e]xciting adventure: Anything having to do with one other person involving somewhere completly random or having to do with shiney things.
[f]avorite food: sour (RED) apple Altoids
[g]reatest accomplishment: Staying alive for so long.
[h]appiest day of your life: I'd have to say the day Steph and I went to Lake George.
[i]nterests: Playing bass, music of all forms, writing, drinking coffee and mountain dew.
[j]ello: Red
[k]ool aid: Red
[l]ove: is unattainable.
[m]ost valued: I don't reall see a point in picking and choosing what I value...
[n]ame: I don't think so.
[o]utfit you wore to school today: Pants, a shirt, and all the other pointless shit I adorn myself with daily.
[p]izza topping: Mushrooms all the way
[q]uestion most asked: What's going on?
[r]adio station: I despise the radio.
[s]port: Crew, by default.
[t]elevision show: RENO 911!
[u]r favorite song: That one by Deftones that they play over and over in Queen of the Damned... I don't remember the name.
[w]here you live: Shithole, New York.
[x]yz: x
[y]ear born: 1988.
[z]odiac sign: Pisces

That was pointless yet time consuming.

)-(+mind_fuck+)-(
 
     Post
 
A Quote...   
11:25pm 02/10/2004
 
mood: horny
I wanna suck your dick and I want you to force me to

)-(+mind_fuck+)-(
 
     Post
 
People are immodest creatures...   
07:17pm 02/10/2004
 
mood: disappointed
Eager, closed minded people
You do not know what you need
but in few cases can be blamed
You do not know what you want
but what you think you want
you'll pay for in advance
in vain
Long winded
short tempered people
You dont know pain

)-(+mind_fuck+)-(
 
     Post
 
Yeah...   
09:17pm 29/09/2004
 
mood: weird
Today I wanted a cigarette so badly that I rolled my own.

Dan came over today.

)-(+mind_fuck+)-(
 
     Post
 
Meh...   
06:41pm 28/09/2004
 
mood: moody
Today... I didn't really want to talk to anyone... but at the same time... I'm so lonely.

I just feel horrible today for no reason.

Something good did happen today however. Last week I talked to one of the novice boys about music; slipknot, slayer, hatebreed. Today he came up to me and handed me the new hatebreed cd, which he burned for me. It made my day.

But once again I feel crushed. I hate this...

)-(+mind+fuck+)-(
 
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