mood: aggravated music: AFI - This Time Imperfect

Top 5 things I learned from TV this afternoon/tonight about music
1) Van Halen = awesome with or without alcohol
2) The bit about the Creed lawsuit on The Daily Show = poignant music journalism/brilliance/hilarity
3) The Juliana Theory's "Do You Believe Me?" = despite being totally applicable to my situation, kinda sucks anyway
4) Hot Hot Heat's "Bandages" = best new-wave-ish/goth-ish/'return of rock' video/song ever
5) Courtney Love's breasts = apt to pop any moment

Top 5 things good in Mindy's life despite all the shit
1) The fact there is a Dunkin' Donuts within walking distance of my house and school
2) Lello's love for us is infinate
3) My new issue of Spin has Radiohead on the cover
4) Marissa's Fluffy is online, so Satan is appeased (kidding, kidding lol)
5) I turned Pam on to AFI

Top 5 things terribly wrong with my life
1) It's not legal for me to buy a 6 pack of Skyy Blues
2) I don't know any physics or math
3) I will never, ever get laid, ever
4) I didn't finish "Interview With The Vampire" and returned it to the library anyway
5) Dude...Dude...Dude...God for unleashing him on me

Top 5 things that makes Mindy wonder what she ever did to anyone
1) Me writing Matt a very revealing mail in hopes we'd finally work everything out only to have Dude delete it on all of his screen names.
2) Dude pretending to be Matt yelling at me for being a drunk (I thought it was really Matt being that mean because of my drinking a bit, but I realized that he was using Dude's insults. I said something about bad Matt impressions and asked about the mail I sent him, and he acted Dude-like and evasive, so it wasn't Matt. It's pretty likely it wasn't him last night either.)
3) The person I love thinking I'm a whore-drunk-liar-neurotic-psychotic-obsessive-bitchy-unreasonable-jealous twat, all because of my ex!!
4) Only wanting one person in the whole world and that person being friends with a total piece of shit
5) Not being able to get the straight story, ever, from anyone...

Top 5 things in music that make me cry
1) Scott Weiland gets arrested...again..for the same crime he has committed 3 times before
2) With a woman in the car with him..
3) ...and Robert said Scott's a lousy human being..
4) ....and he and Dean go off with fucking Alien Ant Farm when an STP record oughta be bein' made...
5) and Weiland with the guys in Guns 'n Roses that aren't Axel, what the feckin' hell? and what happened to the solo album? What has become of the only solid thing in my world? OK, that's being a bit dramatic..lol

Top songs that are about my relationship, and thus make Courtney a genius
1) Hole - Petals
2) Nirvana - All Apologies
3) Hole - Doll Parts
4) Hole - Asking For It
5) Hole - Use Once and Destroy
6) Hole - He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss)
7) Hole - Burn Black
8) Hole - Dying
9) Hole - You've Got No Right
10) Hole - I Think I Would Die

...indeed I do love Miss Love, even if her boobs never stay put...and do hate Mr. ...um..wow, I don't know his real name, do I? Mr. Dude, he oughta die a rather painful and horrible death, hopefully involving spears in his ball sack or something. Wow I want to beat him with a stick, quite a lot, as he is ruining my life!!!!!!! *shakes head* Open message to him - burn black dicknail!!!!!

mood: cheerful music: Treephort - 1995

Top 5 recent musical weird things I'm not sure if I oughta be happy, tickled pink, angry, ect. about or not
1) Scott Weiland joins Guns 'n Roses? What the feckin' hell?
2) Courtney Love places ad in Village Voice for guitar goddess?
3) This may not be real recent, but the Vines do re-worked version of 'Ms. Jackson'?
4) AFI in high rotation on KRock and Nicole Willis of all people has one of their stickers (which she gave to me which was kinda nice I guess)?
5) Christina Aguilera dyes her hair black/Kelly Clarkson thinks she rocks or hip hops or something/Daniel Bedingfield doesn't suck? (OK, this isn't so much weird as it is bleh, and I know how to feel about it - apathy - but these warranted a mention.) Has the world gone mad??

sent to Matt last night, we talked, he got the idea, he's coming Tuesday, everything is peachy peachy keen =)

'Hey, what's new? How have you been? Sorry I haven't mailed all week, but to be fair, you haven't mailed either. I'm tired of being the only one is all, I sometimes (or a lot of times..) think you never think about me at all unless you're actually with me, that's the only reason I got upset last week. I mean, I get the feeling that you don't want me around lately, although I understand it sometimes. Like on Saturday, it was Danny's last night and all so I can understand that and all and I don't care. Gina told me that you told Jess and her that the bald guy was going to jail or something Friday and that's what was up then, but you didn't tell me that. If you don't explain things like that and don't mail all week and not show up places, I just think you're avoiding me so I get insecure (and when I get insecure, I get mean). *shrugs* Also, I was kinda upset you told the girls at the Grind about having a fight with your brother and not me, I want to be there when things suck for you is all. I underplayed my shit that night you were talking about yours because you seemed to revel in being more fucked up than me so I wanted to just let you have that. I can understand things and all, you just don't tell me anything, so there's nothing for me to understand. That's all I really want. That and for things to be like they were, I swear you were like the best boyfriend ever when we weren't actually going out (which is why I couldn't understand why we couldn't just be together, the only thing I wanted to change about our relationship was the title and for the come-ons to be real lol I guess it was kind of idealistic of me to expect things to be so easy.), things are just weird now. I think I did something, could you just tell me what I did? *sighs* Sorry I just made you read that whole long thing, I just wanted to get that all off my chest. I miss you is all. Oh, and if you knew why I didn't mail all week, you'd think I was completely and utterly insane (and you would be right, I've been losing my mind all week over the pettiest thing.) so I will keep it myself.

I was going to come to the Grind tonight, but Jess had to babysit and no one else could come with me so I just went to Jessica's house. We watched "Kids", that's a really awesome movie, I think you'd like it, it's pretty sick but frighteningly true to life though =P I didn't go out last night because I was sick, blech.

I was at my grandma's house earlier today, her husband was being an asshole. He called us imbeciles, made me feel like a moron compared to his perfect grandchildren again, bundles of fun *shakes head* I hate him so much, how could she marry that? I want to publish my book, just to prove him wrong. He'll probably be dead by then, but I'd bring the book to his grave or something. The only nice thing about seeing him is my family stops fighting with each other and bands together against him lol.

*sighs* Wow, that was hella long. I'm sorry =( Had a lot to say since we haven't talked. Could you try to write back or something so I know we're OK? I understand you just don't have the time sometimes, but it's really frustrating to not hear from you all week. Like I said, it makes me think you forgot about me even if you didn't (although you do just forget sometimes...like Friday and Tuesday...). How am I supposed to know any better? I'm a psychotic and insecure Scorpio for god's sake lol Well, to be fair, this week I didn't mail you either. Like I said, it was a dumb reason, it would probably scare you. I'll see you, OK? Could you try and come Tuesday? I mean really, I'm sick of seeing you only at the Grind and having to compete for your attention. Oh yeah, Adam told me the Grind is closing soon and Tony is moving to Tennessee! That's so sad, I want to try and go as much as I can before it's all gone =(. Also want to give Tony a hug and ask him what the hell is in Tennessee, pew. Augh, more long-ness...sorry, I'm just afraid I won't get everything out and I won't see you until god knows when. Toodles. With any luck, you'll come online tonight before I get off, so there's some communication between us at all. bye
Love, Mindy @->->->'

Yeah, so everything's pretty now. I saw Nick too, he's in college again and stopped smoking (I think), all my paramours are doing good =D Last night was fun, made up for the crap of yesterday during the day with my family, so joy to the happy chickens =) I'm gonna go comment on Hessica's blurty now, so bye bye electric children =)

mood: full music: Queens of the Stone Age - Six Shooter

'Playing hooky with your special someone on Monday may not turn out to be the dream day you expected, especially if you let some important responsibilities slide. Consider the consequences before you suggest such a proposition. On Tuesday and Wednesday, your beloved gives you extra-special attention for no particular reason. It's quite a gift to have your needs anticipated and met, but you can't expect this red-carpet treatment all the time. In fact, you'll be on your own this Thursday and Friday, and you may have some trouble adjusting to the sudden absence of care and concern. Over the weekend, you'll have the chance to reciprocate. If you set your mind to it, you won't have any trouble coming up with several thoughtful ways to lighten your sweetheart's load. '

mood: calm music: Jimmy Eat World - Blister

Top 5 songs that came on the radio that made things better or worse when feeling like shit yesterday
1) Nirvana - All Apologies (at first made things worse, I started screaming at the picture of Kurt on the wall 'oh, it's you, fucking you. lovely, just fucking lovely!! Your fucking disciple probably fucking hates me, so thanks a lot, really.' Then I started listening to the song and started thinking about the words, they actually made sense for the first time ever and I sat to write that mail. Even though I didn't send it, it made me feel better anyway.)
2) Nirvana - Spank Thru (worse, I heard this one first. in the same hour as 'All Apologies' actually, man KRock does not believe in variety. either way, the song made me cry.)
3) Stone Temple Pilots - Interstate Love Song (infinately better, I leaped out of bed to kiss the picture of Weiland on the wall, it got me up for a few minutes at least.)
4) Coldplay - The Scientist (worse, it's a pretty song, but there was something about the lyrics that made me sob and wail.)
5)

Yeah, so I spent most of yesterday depressed about Matt, seeing as how I decided I'm like the worst person ever. I hadn't even wanted to cut in quite awhile before yesterday, but man I was going to die if I just sat there thinking, undistracted. I seemed worse in my memory and Matt seemed more saintly, so I broke out the toenail scissors and spike collar to scratch. I knew neither is sharp enough to break the skin, but I scratched my legs raw. As much as I hate to admit it as it's bad and such, it made me feel better. Catharsis is catharsis, right? *shrugs* We went to see "X2: X-Men United" later on, which was just about the best movie ever! It was so darned great that there was a two hour and a half window of sanity for me yesterday, it was awesome =

Later, Hessica dahling called and wanted to go do something. Seeing as how this is Staten Island and us, we had to go to the Grind as there's nothing else to do. I saw Matt for the grand whopping total of 10 minutes, which was pretty understandable as it's Danny's last night and all. I apologized, he just went 'oh yeah, that...' *shrugs* Well, what do I want from him? It was weird and awkward, which it always is when I feel obligated to chase him. I hate that =P One of his stoner friends was hanging all over him *shudders and tries not to get upset* (not so much as the blonde girl from Friday of course, just ...I don't know, she got more than me is all lol) and whispering something to him, then she started asking me about drugs. *shrugs* With the exception of Lindsey, who I love, I hate his female friends. They're all uber-affectionate druggies that make me feel so inadequate and I don't know why. See, I'm a jealous freak, I hate these kinds of people so much, they make violent (in my head anyway). I really don't know why I ever didn't like Lindsey, she is no threat at all. Even though she's vastly more attractive than any of his other friends, she'd never touch Matt at all unless he was dying in the street unlike blondie or what's-her-face yesterday, she doesn't drag him off to the store for cigarettes *shakes fist*, she doesn't hang out with girls at the Grind at all - well except me if you count me - (like me, I never make friends with the girls at the Grind, they're mostly disgusting skank queens.), she's a bit of a druggie but not all the time like some people and is also still fairly coherent when she is (except that one time in January...), she doesn't talk down to me like some kinda bitch *cough cough*, I mean all in all, you have to love Lindsey. If all Matt's friends were exactly like Lindsey, I'd love them. But no, they're I don't know, they're who they are. I like Tony I suppose even though he hit on me when he first met me (he told me to dump my girldriend for him lol) I mean he does treat me like Matt's girlfriend (before I said anything, he was like Lindsey in as much as he did the whole little 'I know something you don't know' look), I like Danny even though he always seems to take Matt away, I understandably don't care for Dude and anyone related to that little cirlce, I like that guy from the car two Saturdays ago since he could tell we were going out right away, I really don't like the bald non-Adam even though he bought beer and got Tony drunk that time but I just didn't like how he acted Friday it made me so royally insecure and bitchy, the little goth kid from poetry is OK, little goth Billy is cool, and that's about it. Oh yeah, there's PRA, we all <3 him, right? lol He's a good guy. Oh yeah, I was telling a story, wasn't I? What happened? Ooo...looked back, I started extolling the virtues of Lindsey (oh Lindsey! lovely non-PDA-ish Lindsey! Queen sarcasma Lindsey! lol) and got off track. Yeah well, I actually had a lovely chat with owner Tony half the night, he seems so darned sad lately. *shrugs* It was a semi-serious conversation with him though, it was odd. He asked why I looked so down, of course it was because of Matt which I told him, he said I shouldn't worry about it, I could do better, hell I could go out with Crazy Pete lol. *sighs* That can't be a good sign, eh? The owner of the Grind thinks I oughta not go out with him.. oh well. I didn't see mi lovely novio the rest of the night, I imagine he forgets Tuesday or Friday or both, I probably should not be stubborn and mail him. It's so hard you know, I feel so bad when I'm mean to him. I'm just acting out of being hurt though, I just don't know what to expect of him anymore. He's so frustrating, it's my fault though, I expect way too much of him though. Not even about showing up places, about feelings and him noticing things. Like if he doesn't care about very much, why do I expect him to care about me? I wonder if he ever will most times, particularly times like this weekend, I used to think he could though. Before I told him and he had to actually try and such though, that's just flirtation and stuff though. *shakes head* You know, even him actually.. When we had our whole great talk two weeks ago and he asked why I liked him and I couldn't answer, then he asked if I wanted to know why he liked me (I said he didn't have to tell me since it wouldn't be very fair as my answer sucked). The first thing he did was talk about my body. He saw that bothered me and the cute little things came out too, but still. Why can't I find a guy whose primary imagined use for me is to fuck me? I mean, his first response on what we should be 'best friends with benefits', which I think he basically just wanted things to stay as they were but with the possibility of something happening. *sighs* I just don't know, really, I just don't fucking know...

Oh well, I feel better today. I'd write more, but I have to shower. Toodes electric children....

mood: crushed music: The Cure - Burn

I don't know how much longer I can do this, I mean fuck...really, I just can't, it's just too painful sometimes. *shrugs* This week was all right, after I found out my atrocious SAT score and talked to Lello anyway. Lello is goddess, she fixed everything (everything not related to Matt anyway). I was doing good, but I still wanted to see my lovely boyfriend Tuesday. NHS was this week too, it was boring of course. seeing as how I wasn't mad anymore and on Monday I was still upset I wanted to see him since nothing seems so bad when he's around. Of course I get myself all worked about seeing him as previously mentioned, and he doesn't come. I talked to him later in the week, he had a perfectly legitmate excuse (I knew he would, I just wish he would mail or something so I know a) he's not dead b) he didn't forget about me), but when I asked him about it, I was pretty pissy so he wrote me back a pissy mail. He saw me online and for just about the first time ever, he i-med me and asked if I was angry with him or something. We talked it out (sorta, I mostly just said I wasn't mad at him, I was upset about Gina - which is only partially true.), he stopped being defensive, I wasn't mad just because it's a pain in the ass to be mad.

I figured I'd see him last night and everything be peachy keen since he knows I just want him to acknowledge me is all. I don't even know why I get my hopes up for stuff like that though. Jess and I go in and talk to him for like 10 minutes (during which he brought up the mail, what the fuck? We just fought about that last night! He couldn't have totally forgotten us talking about it, could he?), and then he just disapears for a half hour, no explanation, I just turn around and he's gone. Worse yet, when he was actually there he moved closer to me and his stupid friend makes him move back, stupid blonde bitch... *sighs* He decides to grace The Grind with his prescence again, I don't go over to him just so I don't seem possessive or anything. He does come over to us for about 10 minutes again, most of which he spends talking to Jessica or Gina anyway. Then he says 'one second' and turns around for what is way more than a second to the blonde bitch. I make a totally futile(and admittedly immaturely) get his attention but I don't want to fucking compete for his time, I mean come on. The blonde proceeds to basically climb into his lap and kiss him (on the cheek, but still. this is more than I get from him, I mean really.), which is just way too much to bear so I dash off to the bathroom (again) and slam the door really hard, looking pretty shitty. Matt finally notices, and apparently comes back over. While I was gone, he asks Jess if I was upset and why I hadn't just come over to talk to him. *rolls eyes* I wonder fucking why... I sit back down, he asks if the kiss upset me to which he said 'she's looks like my fucking sister, what kind of sick mind do you have?', but it didn't stop him from kissing her goodbye (or maybe she intiated, I don't even know, I could have sworn he leaned in.. cheek again though. even if he didn't start it, the girl was still in his fucking lap. I mean come on, how much can someone really take?). I was visibly pissed again, I was digging my fingernails into the back of my neck just to not scratch the blonde's eyes out, or for that matter, Matt's eyes out. Yoda Adam comes, we're playing truth or dare which is mostly - screw it, entirely - stupid, Adam is trying to help which I appreciate but I don't know. I just couldn't plop myself in his lap though, I mean because what's the point? Most of the night he was talking to just about anyone who wasn't me, I couldn't hold his attention for 5 straight minutes even if he did talk to me, I just wanted to die. I can't take him sometimes, I just really can't. He doesn't treat me any differently than anyone else, I thought I was making it pretty clear that bothered me. I don't know, maybe I'll mail him. I was kinda cold all night to him... *sigh* I don't know why I do though. I mailed him Friday afternoon, it said this

'Hey =) You don't have to write back, I'll see you tonight anyway.

Yeah, I was looking that mail I sent over, it sounded pretty bad. I do understand you just not being there sometimes and things coming up is all (you did warn me), just mail me or something afterwards, so I know you didn't just forget. That's a royally frustrating thought =P Like a 2 sentence mail 'my house imploded, couldn't make it today. see ya eventually.' is all. (unless your house actually implodes and it's safe to assume you're not going to be able to use the computer..lol) *shrugs* I was having a shit week, I had particularly wanted to see you Tuesday and things just aren't shit when you're around. Oh well, I'll get off the topic, I'm dropping it.

I'm gonna go, Jess and I are probably coming at about 9-ish, her mom is driving home so I have to leave early again. See ya.
Love Mindy'

He read it at 2 this morning, I had seen him already, I know I said he didn't have to write back, but god! After that, you'd think he'd want to write and be pissed or something. He makes no effort at all, even when we're mad at each other it's mostly me being mad at him and him getting defensive, he does not take the initiative on anything. Makes me wonder if he gives a shit at all, I mean seriously... I can't take this, I really can't.

mood: cheerful music: The Clash - Lover's Rock (ha ha)

Top 6 brand spanking new songs I have (keep in mind I haven't listened to the Stooges yet)
1) The Clash - Lost In The Supermarket
2) The Flaming Lips - One More Robot/Sympathy 3000-21
3) Norah Jones - Feelin' The Same Way
4) The Clash - Spanish Bombs
5) The Flaming Lips - Ego Tripping At The Gates Of Hell
6) Norah Jones - I've Got To See You Again

*sigh* I don't remember having any dreams, but I slept in his shirt (I was cold/not mad, so why not?) =) I'm such a crazy dork...he really was incredibly cute though. I've been reading the conversation over and over. I decided that I now know what to expect of him - a) he's kinda like Christina in as much as he just doesn't call people (not just me, no one apparently - speaking of Christina, I called her yesterday and her mom said she'd call back afte breakfast, but neglected to say on which day lol) b) when stuff comes up, he acts all offended that I didn't know stuff came up (well, if he doesn't call, how am I supposed to know?), but then feels bad when I explain that it makes a girl paranoid. It also occurs to me that Matt doesn't put enough thought into it to think I am being possessive and weird unless I bring it up, so I really don't have to worry a whole lot about it anymore. Yo know, why on earth do I obssess, really? I can just talk to him for christ's sake, lordy lordy lol (by the way Jess, I know I've been using 'lordy lordy' longer, I got it from a Distiller's song from last year, so fwah lol) I'm going to go bye bye electric children...

mood: indescribable music: Norah Jones - Don't Know Why (My CD came!)

Top 5 Hole songs that define how I feel about Matt at different times
1) He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss) - when he's being good but not quite
2) Plump - when I feel hopeless about him ever really wanting me
3) Burn Black - when I'm angry with him
4) Over The Edge/Awful - when I'm happy with him, which is weird as neither is really about that, but they makes me dance or jump around or something
5) Violet/Asking For It - when we have one of those really awesome 'connections', like last Friday. This, mis amigas is why I love Courtney Love. She may be satan, probably stole all the best Nirvana songs Nirvana never got around to recording, be a pretentious Hollywood bitch, but she always knows how I feel, and I can't say that about any other artist. Sometimes AFI, on "The Art Of Drowning" and "Sing The Sorrow" (They knew about me wanting to bleed on "Black Sails In The Sunset", but that was about all.) but not always. Courtney is always on target though, Matt's right that she was almost as talented as Kurt was, at least in that respect. Maybe that's only because I'm falling love with a guy remarkably like hers was, but I don't know. All I know is if I met Courtney now, I wouldn't spit on her as I had been planning for a few years now, I'd probably hug her and thank her for getting me through. Courtney is what I love about music, seeing yourself spilled all over someone else.

I just read Hessica's new blurty, I inspired introspection, I feel good =D Go Jess, woo-hoo for Grind time tonight =) I wish I had been on earlier today, I woke up at 11:30 today. I rolled out of bed and into my parents', watched a two hour special on KISS (I don't know why, it seemed interesting which it actually was. Apparently they all had good reason to wear the makeup except Paul Stanley, who was kinda sexy back in the day.), ate lunch, went online for all of 4 minutes (Craig wanted the phone), wrote the following diatribe, then waited for my mom to get off the phone so I can post it.

I talked to Matt last night, he was online for more than 10 whole minutes so I figured I should. We kinda talked, but not really. (He's the only person who thinks about what he's going to say as much as I do, he takes forever to write mails too lol) Nothing terrible had happened like I had semi-convinced myself, he just forgot about me all week basically. It kinda dawned on me that Matt probably never gave a second thought about me being clingy Saturday until I brought it up, he probably didn't give me very many thoughts at all. This is kinda frustrating, OK extraordinarily frustrating. This is definately the not - getting - too - attached - to - not - get - hurt thing in play, he warned me about this. All I want to do is open him up, and he is doing everything in his power to not really care about me so I won't hurt him in the end. He's going to be late tomorrow, every day.. I don't know if I can handle that, but I'm a stubborn bitch and don't know when to quit. I think he's probably just going to hurt me in the end, he's going to be too detached to care. He's kinda braindead, I kept bringing up that I was a tad jealous of Jess having guys fall in love with her left and right, that they are all so affectionate and open about it and all, trying to implicate I just wanted him to show me some. That went over his head I think, or else he misinterpretted it and thinks I'm jealous that these guys in particular like her. Honestly, I don't even care if he did. Make him a little nervous, that's the only time he seems to care about me anyway. He makes me so mad sometimes, why can't he just be even the tiniest bit open at all? I mean really, is that so much to fucking ask? To grow up and be a man (listening to Hole's "Over The Edge" as I write this so I stole a line right there) and not be so fucking afraid! I was so right yesterday in my analysis. I am never going to be happy because this is exactly what I want. It's like that episode of "The Simpsons" when Lisa falls for Nelson, she wants to bring out the Milhouse in Nelson (well, I don't want to reform anyone's 'attitude' or anything, I could really give a shit what he says to people. I just want to reform him emotionally, which is much harder.), I just want to bring out the Justin or Adam in Nick or Matt. That's next to impossible (maybe it is impossible), and I know that but I'm going to try anyway. The one thing I have going for me is that Nick is a lot more open than Matt, he is like me in as much as he's pretty willing to tell people his life story on whim (or at least when he's drunk..), so there would be a chance there. If I meet someone else like him, or maybe him, I wouldn't be so screwed. I know this is why I like Scott Weiland from STP so much, he is a lot like Nick and Matt in as much as he is fucked up and seems to need someone. He also seems to open himself up and get fucked over, but still all too willing to get stomped on again (I think for the same reason I am too, because he's afraid of not feeling anything. I am petrified of going numb, having no inspiration. If I am numb and I don't have any emotions to draw on, I'll have nothing to say, nothing to write, no reason to live.) He was definately as obsessed with his last wife as I tend to get about certain things, he seems to be a viable oppurtunity if he weren't so damn old and famous. My drunken logic was right on target, no one will ever really care about (much less love) me, at least not anyone I love or care about, because I sure know how to pick 'em. Misery highway electric children...

mood: frustrated music: Smashing Pumpkins - Stand Inside Your Love

Nick and Matt are remarkably similar people, and I think that there are times that love each of them, for the exact same reason. Any person who ever incited such passion in me has loved Nirvana, Matt and Nick love Nirvana. They both have fucked up families, they both have these eyes. Nick's eyes were black, and Matt's light(damn arayan...private joke), but they both have this quality to them. This thing about them that make you think that the owner of the eyes is trying to hide this incredible sense of hopelessness. For some reason, I melt at these eyes. They make me want to crawl up next to them and ask them to look for some hope in me. They make me want to save them, make me pause romantic comedies in the middle and walk around my room to think about them. The other kind of eyes that make me melt are the ones of caring and worry, the ones who look like they want to save me, but for some reason I never want those no matter how hard I try to will myself into wanting them. No, I can not confront my own demons, I must pour myself into another's and hope we come together into one and make some beautiful person. I lie on my carpet and stare at Kurt Cobain's picture on the wall, at those penetrating eyes they both have, and imagine Nick or Matt lying next to me, running his hand up my slowly diminishing stomach and looking at me the way I look at him. Is this a silly fantasy? Sure...

I remember one time, the time I was drunk, was the moment that could define this phenomenon. I was sitting in Heather's basement, on Justin's bed next to Nick. I had already had two Bacardis, two Mike's Hard Lemonades, and a Smirnoff, I was pretty buzzed. I wasn't as drunk as I was acting, but I wanted to use my state to it's full advantage. I was leaning on Nick, who had told me to be careful - he himself wasn't drinking that night, he was waiting for the marijuana - , talking. I couldn't see anyone else, Heather and her stupid friends were bouncing around like morons and such. Andrea, the most obnoxious bitch of them all, made some comment about her boyfriend calling I think, and I think aloud 'You know, no one will ever love me. I'm too ugly, so no one will ever want me like Andrea's boyfriend wants her.' I would have never made such a comment sober, I didn't exactly make it to Nick but he was the only one who heard it. He turns to me and says 'That's stupid, you're beautiful. You're just young is all.' I could have died right there, I felt like I was going to die. Within 10 minutes of this, I was at least puking. Justin helped me to the bathroom, he hated Heather's other friends as much as I did so he didn't care too much about them even though they were way more drunk than I was. He held my hair back and kept asking if I was OK. I was so dopey between the alcohol and the comment from Nick, I said I was fine, really. I was never drinking again though. He had this look of worry, like he didn't believe me. For some reason, I will never want Justin the way I wanted Nick. When it was just Justin (or Justin, Heather and some group of her friends I despised, or his friends that weren't Nick), I'd pay a lot of attention, we'd have wonderful, intelligent conversations, he would lend me 'No Alternative', 'The Wall', 'Second Coming', and that huge book on Kurt Cobain's suicide he kept on his shelf. I'd swoon, we'd dance around to "Fell In Love With A Girl" in Heather's room, it would be great. The second Nick came into the picture though, I'd ignore Justin and Nick would be everything. He's all I could ever see, he seemed a little like a project. Like I could animate him if I wanted to, bring some hope into his eyes, this is somehow more appealing than talking literature (he may be the only other person alive who read "Candide" and liked it.) and music with Justin, which is what makes me stupid and emotion-driven. This my friends, is the idiocy of Mindy and her obssession with eyes. I don't even remember what Justin's eyes looked like. I know Justin gave me that look of worry, genuinely caring what happened to me, a look I didn't see very many times after that. The only time I remember getting that look was after Dude and I had fooled around.

Dude and I were at the Grind, he refused to wait with me at the train so I had called my mom to get me. I waited outside the Grind alone until Punk Rock Adam (this was the first time we'd ever really met) saw me, Dude introduced me to him before as the girl he had just fingered. Adam looked like he felt bad for me then too, as I stared at my feet when Dude said it. Adam came outside and said hi, asked how I was. Dude must have noticed Adam gone, because he came outside to get him and wanted to go back in. Adam suggested they wait outside with me, to Dude's disdain, I felt so darned cared about though. Dude started talking about what had happened earlier again, he was telling Adam about how I slid on the ice walking there. I kept staring at my feet, feeling like such shit. I vaguely remember Matt being there too, when he walked up Dude made some comment about the phone (Matt was the one he had been talking to when I fell.), Dude looked like he really wanted to be inside instead of with Adam and I. I think he realized that he was truly breaking me down there, falling apart and feeling like such shit. Dude, at this point, knew he had to fix this a little bit at least. He puts his arm around me (I was still looking at my feet, standing very much alone) and says to Mike (Baskin Robbin's man, I feel so bad that this is all I can remember about him.) 'Isn't my girlfriend beautiful?'. Mike had that same look that Adam had, this look of infinate sadness or at least pity, and says very quietly 'yeah, she's gorgeous.' (or he said beautiful and Dude had said gorgeous, I don't really remember which said which.) I remember the look, that comment made me look up for the first time all night and I saw the way he was looking at me and I wanted to hug him so much. All night, all I could ever hope for was just to die and leave a fully-clothed corpse, but that look and Adam made me feel a bazillion times better. I think I've told this story in the blurty before, but it's more signifcant to my mental shiz now. I'm going to go, OK electric children? I want to go on my other screen name to look for the mail from Matt that isn't there. I will be waiting around forever for that mail.

mood: aggravated music: The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army

So, Matt continues to not write back. He's making me sweat it out..why? I hate him, I hate him... no I don't, I ove him. I dreamed about him again, why I gotta do that? *rolls eyes* You want some irony? I can count on over one hand how many actual guys I know who have attempted to fuck me, and the only way I actually would fuck, if the oppurtunity arose, won't talk to me. I watched a porno last night (it was terrible), maybe that has something to do with this talk... =P blech, I wanna see Matt. Or at least see Nick. I saw Nick at the library last week, we were just standing across the street from each other, staring to see if each of us was who we thought the other was, I didn't say hi, he sorta did, I wasn't absolutely positive it was him until I saw him get into his car, god damn me. The one time I really could have talked to him, and I let him drive away =P I would just like to talk to him, tell him I bought the Complete Stone Roses, and that Nirvana album of mine he still has. Say hi is all. I miss him, I miss Justin, I even miss Heather lately. I don't know what's up with me..

mood: nostalgic music: Madonna - Paradise

Madonna is probably the only artist who I've liked my entire life, and likely will for her entire career. I remember hanging out in Heather's basement when we were maybe 6 or 7, dancing around and lip-syncing to "Like A Prayer" (Heather to "Thriller", she had this inexplicable love for 80's Michael Jackson at that age. I think the "Thriller" tape might have been Justin's, who even at this age, we knew was cooler than we were. We borrowed his tapes quite a lot - I remember some 80's new wave bands and "Appetite For Destruction" -, we didn't 'get' most of them, but we liked them.), all dressed up in trashy ripped gloves and skirts. I know Christina and I (Jessica and I too actually) used to similar things to the Spice Girls, but I don't look back on it the same way I do thinking about Madonna. I still can listen to Madonna, old Madonna, new Madonna, 'Sex'-era Madonna, I still honest to God love that woman. She is her own industry, how can you not admire that? It's all I've ever hoped for, to be famous in my own right doing everything I love and being in total control of all of it. My version would be owning a magazine that I'd write for, using that as my door into the publishing business and writing my novel. I'd eventually own a publishing company to put out my own books, one day starting a film company to adapt my books into movies. I'd of course star in and direct these movies, all the while making noise in the underground music scene under another name. Once I was good and famous, some journalist would 'discover' me, and I'd be found out as a musician. I'd use my now respectable name to launch a record company too, to put out my own albums and those of all my friends. I imagine employing or somehow supporting anyone I'd ever cared about, being this huge one-woman empire, all by the age of 30. On top of that, I'd have a nice Manhattan brownstone - no Hollywood bullshit - that would house a black cat named Scorpio, a red husky named Jenna, and a tortured artist boyfriend/husband (Matt?). Is this a ludicrous fantasy? Yes, of course it is! Would I be so damned ambitious if I weren't listening to Madonna straight out of the womb? I doubt it. This is why I will I always love Madonna. Also, her being a complete paradox (what I'd want as my public persona) is appealing too. She is somehow a sex symbol and a feminist, an artist and a businesswoman, well-read and you can still listen to her music at a party, a total media whore yet in complete control of how the press treats her, a woman who changes every time she steps in public and is still beloved for her older work, she's retro and post-modern, and I love her to pieces! I wrote in the 4th grade to my pen pal that she was my idol (I was blissfully unaware of the 'Sex' book she had just put out at the time...lol), and you know what? She still is! I don't care what you say about her, she's my hero and the only thing I've loved that I still love. I still love "Open Your Heart" just as much as I love "Parade" by Garbage (another song by a strong woman), maybe more. My dad still buys every album she puts out, mostly because she's always interesting. I am listening to "Music" right now, and except the title track which I never liked, it's aged beautifully. It was perfectly acceptable to listen to boy bands when this thing came out (2000...don't anyone say they didn't listen to boy bands then. That's the year we graduated from 8th grade, and anyone who says they didn't at least like one BSB or N'Sync song is a complete liar. Unless you were that lone girl who always wore a Marilyn Manson shirt back then.), you can't listen to them anymore without laughing. You can definately listen to "Music" though, it sounds like it came out yesterday. I want to create art like this, that is somehow modern and timeless. That sounds vapid, to want to be Madonna. I am the most vapid girl alive then. Most of my friends don't want to be their childhood heros anymore, Christina certainly doesn't want to be the Little Mermaid anymore (to be fair she's a cartoon. but she doesn't want to be Christina Aguilera either, the closest thing she ever had to an idol after that.), Jessica might not want to be Selena (I haven't asked her recently..), but lordy I could only dream to be Madonna. I don't know why I'm writing about Madonna and childhood now, it's just pouring out.

I was looking back on all my old stuff, it was weird. I had found a book I had started writing in 7th grade (prophetically, the male protagonist was named Scott Stone - before I ever liked STP! - and the nasty guy was named Anthony - Dude's real name - before I ever met an Anthony.), and the only thing that stayed the same is my dream of being a one-woman industry (even when I liked pop music though, I never wanted to make it. It was all a fantasy realm I enjoyed but never desired to be part of.) and loving Madonna. Everything else in my life, things I assumed would last forever, it's all fleeting. Even me liking Incubus' "Drive", hell "Morning View" (I amaware of the fact "Drive" is from "Make Yourself") hasn't aged very well in my mind. It already seems bloated, too conspicuously artsy, too soft for a band whose strengths always lied in their harder songs, too mushy and emo at points, all in all just silly most of the time. I loved Incubus though, I loved this album, what the hell happened? There are other albums in my collection, like Linkin Park. How did I like this DJ-driven drivel? I'm not even talking pop music here, rock bands I have purchased. Music, books, and clothes seem to be the things I like hat change the most. I tend to like the same movies for years though, it's odd. I always dressed a little weird, looking back almost too weird with my scrunchies on my wrists and clanky jewelry. The only book I loved when I was little that wasn't Francesca Lia Block I still like is the Louis Sachar ones. Those are the only things I loved that I actually like more now, I will happily pick up "Wayside School Is Falling Down" or "There's a Boy In The Girl's Bathroom" and read it cover to cover, over and over, no matter how old I am. The jokes are still funny, the jokes I didn't get then are funny now. I feel really old sometimes, and I'm only 16. I think I might have been thinking about because I was listening to Hole's "Awful" before.

In "Awful" (a "Celebrity Skin" era song), Courtney sings 'oh shut up, you're only 16" after decrying everything she used to be. This got me to thinking about Madonna and I don't know why. Although while on the topic of Miss Love, I loved "Celebrity Skin" (the song) when it came out. I loved the Backstreet Boys and such too, but I really loved Courtney Love too. I was this-close to actually buying it, which is a hella big deal for Mindy at the age of 12 or so. I didn't spend money on music easily then, I was a member of the 'three singles' club (buy the album if you like 3 singles), and Hole only put out two for that album. If they had gone and put out "Reasons to Be Beautiful", "Awful", "Dying" or some other song off of it, I probably would have bought it. I don't understand how I appreciated it then, I give pop-era Mindy no credit at all. I also don't know how I liked Orgy back then, and lots of other weird things I took a liking to at that age and was always a single away from buying. I'm not sure if I wish I had discovered these things at that age, like I said, I don't know how much I would have appreciated them. I vaguely remember liking "In Bloom" by Nirvana (and maybe "Sex Type Thing by STP...I remember having a total flashback when I first saw the video a few summers ago.) as a very little kid, watching the video on MTV, there's no way I at the mere age of maybe 5 had any grasp of how great or important a song it was. My dad had all the Beatles albums on cassette then, I will never understand why he didn't have me listen to them, but rather had a pre-pubescent me sitting around listening to Madonna until the cows came home. Maybe it was to do with that, appreciation. Maybe I would have casually like the Beatles, but he knew that at my age, I'd love Madonna. She is the kind of music you can love at 5, 15, and 50 I guess.

mood: accomplished music: Stone Roses - The Hardest Thing In The World

Top 5 songs by bands who had cool guys in other bands before someone died or something
1) Foo Fighters - Everlong/Nirvana - About A Girl (a song I once dreamed Matt listening to in his room smoking a cigarette, it was a weird dream.)
2) New Order - Crystal/Joy Division - Bizarre Love Triangle
3) Filter - Where Do We Go From Here?/Nine Inch Nails - We're In This Together (Fine, no one is dead and the guy from Filter was just a touring guitarist, but I don't care.)
4) Love & Rockets - So Alive/Bauhaus - The Passion of Lovers (I'm not sure if someone is dead there, but they were pretty sad, someone probably oughta be dead.)
5) Audioslave - Like A Stone (While Tom Morello is not really attractive, watching him play guitar in that video gets me off so much, you have no idea. It made me like the song actually, he is just fucking fondling that thing!)/ Rage Against The Machine - Darkness/Soundgarden - Loud Love (Once again, no one is dead here either, except maybe Zach de La Rocha - if he's not, explain where he is then! - , but whatever.)

Phew, a good top five list makes you feel good all over. I'm perky, I solved my obssessive Matt dilemma. I wrote to him, I wrote this -

'Hey, what's new? Not much here really. Saw "The Pianist" with Heather on Monday, it was really good but really sad (which I guess you can expect from a movie about a Jewish pianist in Nazi Poland, but still.). I saw "Phone Booth" with Alyssa and her little sister yesterday (It was actually stupider than the previews made it look, but pretty entertaining all the same., I wanted to see her because I had to chew her out about Saturday (or at least find out if everything was OK, as she skipped out on Van Duzer when we had plans all week for that.) She had me waiting at the train half the night on Saturday =P Es OK, something came up with her sister, eh I wasn't really mad. I talked to my friend Marissa Monday night, her I had to be pissed at because she told me to be online almost all day Sunday and didn't come on until Monday afternoon lol. I kept my computer on until 2:30 in the morning, it sucked. Since I was up, I talked to Yoda Adam, which depressed the shit outta me (he tends to do that whenever I have a problem. It makes me wonder why I tell him anything, I swear =P Blech, whenever he has a problem with some dopey high school girl, I don't say 'date girls your own age, you twat!'.) up until yesterday. I would have sat around moping all week, but I read this really great book, "About A Boy", and it cheered me up. I'm not sure why, but it did. *shrugs*

Jess wants to go the Grind Friday and Saturday, she loves the attention from the Adams *rolls eyes*. They both sit there telling me how cute she is, I want to scream 'yeah, her boyfriend thinks she's cute too!'. I'm going to go Friday, maybe not Saturday though. I have to see my grandma (again..augh, it's the one who's married to Leon a.k.a. the most evil old man ever, so I'm not looking forward to it) during the day, so I figure my parents won't feel like taking me to the train station afterwards. Jess is disapointed lol Next week I guess then. It's really great she wants to hang out more though, I really felt like I was losing her for a bit there. Up until Friday, I didn't even know she cared as much about our friendship as I do.

So how's your week been going? Like I said, I saw a lot of movies mostly. I'm sitting around today though, waiting for a plumber to come and leave so I can start my Latin project. Watching way too much of those cable music channels, noticing how the best Queens of the Stone Age song (the new single, "Go With the Flow") totally rips off the riff from "Over the Edge" by Hole. That's kinda disapointing to discover, but oh well. At least the video for "Go With The Flow" is cool, not like the new AFI video that I've seen way too many times today. Davey Havok seriously thinks he's fucking Jesus, and it's not half as cool to have gigantic blue rabbits in your video when you think you're Jesus as it is when you're strung out like Scott Weiland was when STP had big rabbits in their video. *shrugs* OK, I'm obviously getting too bored or else I wouldn't be reading into this so much lol See you Friday.'

See, isn't that perfect? It doesn't even mention him not calling, it doesn't sound obsessive or pushy and I can attempt to replicate this air of coolness on Friday, so all will be well. Boo-yeah! I am the best girlfriend ever, rock me. I'm going to go and comment of Jessica's and Heather's blurties, toodles electric children.

mood: apathetic music: Stone Temple Pilots - Transmissions From A Lonely Room

I was sitting around being miserable about it on Sunday and sorta Monday before I finished 'About A Boy'. I was playing around with his spike collar, not cutting, just scratching my leg a little rough. *shrugs* It didn't bleed, but I felt better. My legs are raw now though =P He'd kill me if he knew I was contemplating that, every time he sees a mark on me he asks where it came from. I don't lie, my leg cuts were from shaving but doing it when one is upset is never a good idea. I stopped scratching my leg when I turned the radio on and 'Trippin' On A Hole' was on. I jumped up to kiss the picture of Weiland, and told him he's the only one who has never truly let me down, or at least always done what I've expected. I tell him that all the time, and tell him he's always there when I need him. That's so sad, that I tell his picture that. The sadder part is that it's true though. I probably would have been sad all day and never picked the book back up if I hadn't heard the song, it's my favorite one to hear on the radio except 'Vasoline'.

In my dreams and stories, I usually make Weiland (or at least a Weiland-esque character, or what I imagine he'd be like if I ever met him) my male hero. It made me really think when I couldn't dream about him anymore, and Matt started showing up instead. I can't dream about either of them anymore. *shrugs* I can't dream or write about anything really, that I can remember for too long anyway. Matt was in my dream last night ago, it was one of those really realistic ones. He didn't seem upset about my stalkerish-ness, we hardly talked though. I had a dream two days ago in which he really didn't mind and it felt almost real, I nearly thought we had talked and he really didn't care, but then I talked to Adam which returned me to reality. Even though I knew we hadn't actually talked, I still felt better about it when I didn't have to think about not having spoken to him.

Matt being in my story was a big deal when I first realized I had done it. I have been writing this story for a long time as my escape from reality, such a rich alternate glam universe that I often struggle when I read STP news that doesn't go along with the story. The story revolves around a Mindy-esque character, writer-actress-musician Serena Ross (she has the same psychological nuances and interests as I do, and knows older versions of my friends.) and her demented love life, which is complicated further upon meeting Scott Weiland. Matt replacing Weiland as Serena's love interest (an ideal of two twisted, obsessive romantics meeting and ultimately destroying each other), seemed like a big deal to me, especially since I had not even realized I had done it. As Matt and I grew closer, Scott and Serena kept facing obstacles (I didn't even realize what I was doing, until I analyzed it later.) until I made Serena's end (a dramatic semi-suicide at the age of 22.) with Matt instead of a suicidal Scott at her side. Lately, I can't write at all though. That depresses the shit outta me. No inspiration, no feelings =P After the song came on the radio though, I sat around analyzing STP, pondering the things that cheer me up and make me feel like a kick-ass music critic. Like how Weiland obviously never cared about Mary (or at the least Mary didn't care about him), and it showed in his songs. The last album was really a mixed bag in terms of how good they were, but they were predictable in which would suck and which would not. Songs professing his love for Mary (and how he's clean because of her, got a kid because of her, ect.) would totally suck, as they sounded cheesy almost like he'd written them with her over his shoulder, like "Wonderful" and as sad as it makes me to say it, "A Song For Sleeping". All the best STP songs have traditionally been about dancing with Mr. Brownstone (or at least about his first wife, who I suspect was the one he really loved. I think this since when he wrote a love song for her, it was "Still Remains" which is beautiful and amazing and not the teeniest bit cheesy. also, he wrote almost an entire record about losing her and his battle with lady heroin at the same time, and the songs about losing her are all great.). There are a pile of great STP songs about heroin (all of "Tiny Music" was at least written on heroin, and it's a fucking masterpiece.), which applies here. The best drug songs were usually the loud ones, like "Coma", "Long Way Home", ect. (with the exception of "Dumb Love", which is both loud and definately about drugs and somehow still really sucks.) If his best songs aren't about drugs, they are at least about not taking drugs (like "Bi-Polar Bear"), or Hollywood (like "Too Cool Queenie" - which is probably about Courtney Love, mostly because he said it wasn't -, and "Regeneration". Ironically though, not "Hollywood Bitch", which is like "Dumb Love" in as much as it's about drugs and Hollywood so it shouldn't suck but it does.). His songs questioning the relationship are pretty damn good too, like "Hello, It's Late" (sounding like he's sorry he can't go back now, he's stuck with this girl who expects too damn much of him. apparently he isn't though, as they're getting divorced.) and "Transmissions From A Lonely Room", both of which confirm (or spawned) all my conspiracy theories about their relationship, especially after they got divorced. Thus, my little alternate reality wasn't so far off base (except the Serena Ross thing), and strangly prophetic, I did predict his divorce in it. I felt bad about it for a few days before I decided they were going to get divorced anyway and I didn't somehow screw up his karma. Yes, I think too much about this stuff. It's the only thing that distracts me enough..

mood: confused music: Hole - Use Once and Destroy

'About A Boy' is the greatest book ever written. OK, maybe not but it's pretty close to it. I just finished it, and I love it with such a passion right now. I want to buy it and read it everyday, over and over. I know it's silly that I fall books and movies and music because I feel them, but I never felt a book as much as I do right now. I felt Courtney Love last night and felt better, until Adam basically confirmed that I am as crazy and neurotic as I think I am, he wasn't helping anymore and he was erasing all the work Courtney Love had done when he had gone to eat dinner. Adam can not erase Nick Hornby though, he can not erase Will & Marcus who I see my neuroses separated and polar opposite yet it one person and somehow the same (that made no sense), and the obvious parallel of Matt being Ellie. Matt is the most Ellie as a person could be without being a British teenage girl. They even love the same things, they have the same exact neuroses, rather than complimentary ones like I hope we have (and Marcus wants the to have as well).

OK, even if you never read it, I'm doing a total analysis anyway. I like the end so much better than the begining, I can feel the end. I hated the end of the movie because they changed it, they made this storybook ending, which there is sorta but just of a deeper sorts. I see Will in the mirror, he likes Rachel very much and wants to be with her all the time but he is sure he must at least not be obvious about it. Matt is one of the only people (maybe the only) I want around when he is happy and when he is sad, maybe even more when he's sad so I can make him happy. I so desperately wish he could want me to be happy as much as I want him to be, every time I think he does it's because I don't seem to want it outwardly. Like he wants me more when I don't outwardly want him, which is really frustrating but not really his fault as I sometimes feel the same way. This is like Rachel not obsessing with Will, and Will obsessing over her not obsessing, and I am Will, like I was Rob in 'High Fidelity'. This is why I like Nick Hornby, this is why I love Hugh Grant for giving Will a face.

Then there's Marcus, Marcus and Ellie. Like I said, Ellie and Matt are such obvious kindred spirits. They claim to love and care about nothing, except Kurt Cobain mostly. Ellie loves her mother, although she claims to not to, much like Matt. Marcus sometimes sees Ellie like I sometimes see Matt (I feel about viewing him this way..), like a guided missile (his words) for him to help him in public but in private the missile just blows up in his face. I read that part and started to cry, Ellie is Matt. I am Marcus, and this bothers me because Marcus realizes he can not be there for her as a boyfriend but they can be friends. They can talk about Kurt's suicide and smash shop windows together, but they'll probably only drive one another mad. This proves everything Matt said in the e-mail to be right, and I feel horrid about it. If Ellie is Matt, and I am Marcus, I can hope maybe they would have worked in real life, if they weren't characters in a book. I want Matt to be happy more than I want myself to be happy, I hate that. Matt doesn't even want himself to be happy that much. It scares me, it makes me act all neurotic, it makes me want him more and simultaneously drives him away more. This is exactly what he said would happen, I hate Matt for knowing that. I also hate myself for making him open up so much, only to accidently push him away. It must have been so hard, and I had no regard for that at all. Still, to know that Will and Marcus did the same thing to Rachel and Ellie makes me feel better, like I am not an idiot for not being a robot. For having feelings and all, you know? Even still, I may e-mail Matt and tell him something came up and I can't see him tomorrow, and not until Friday. I'll be coy and distant on Friday, I'll be the best girlfriend ever really...

mood: dirty music: Ramones - I Want You Around

Top 5

This is going to be short, Mindy esta cansado...

So Jess, Gina, Laura, Adam, Adam and I went to Van Duzer today, woo-hoo! It was bundles of fun, I saw Sara from poetry and worshipped her. Treephort and Melmac rocked the lights fantastic =) The Adams love Jessica, but who doesn't love Jess? We went to le Grind afterwards with los Adams. Alyssa was supposed to come, but I think her mom wants me dead *shrugs* I saw Matt.. I did not get my more-than-a-hug, blech =P I also saw Dude, who got so fat! Yay! He looks like he hasn't showered since we've gone out, it's great. Matt was being kinda evil (although I was being kinda possessive...), he called me over when he was talking to Dude =P. But he called me his girlfriend... *shrugs* I'd write more, but I am tired. I'm gonna write to Matt and say toodles to Adam. Toodles to you my electric children..

mood: loved music: The Cure - Just Like Heaven

Top 5 ... oh hell with it

Tonight was...wow, tonight was wonderful. We talked, walked around Staten Island for like an hour (we were gone from a quarter after 10 until about 20 after 11 anyway), he opened up (which was all I was fucking asking for in the first place!) and ... just wow. I actually do understand his explanation now. It makes sense, without getting into details. I am just too buzzed right now to really write or talk or whatever...but just wow.. I feel so invincible when I am with him, like I can do no wrong, like we can do no wrong... I wanna implode for joy really. I think that may be another pro...lol Well, I gotta go electric children, there is something clear and bright in hazy blue sky above Staten Island...