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Sunday, September 18th, 2005
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9:54a
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Another day of life - Will it ever end
I am laying my hopes on Avian Bird Flu hopefully the panademic predicted will take me out. My immune system is atrocious and I am weak and tired surely I can just pass into unconciousness and be gone to rest. Sorry i wont even try to start this post been so depressing. My weight is at a standstill eating or the thought of eating fuels the anxiety and insanity which are rampant in my shrinking head. Each day feels the same hours of cleAning and starving slowly waiting till I can sleep with hiunger gnawing at my guts twisting me in my sleep. theodore is very well he is nearly full grown now such a special gorgeous lovely boy. Ive been sick the past few weeks and he knows he comes and places his white soft head on my chest and lies there his snores and snuffles gradually helping me relax. I love my baby boy he is everything to me. Last night I thought I was going to have another seizure. I could feeel the tremours and the blinking was in my eyes. I was so scared it would have been the third grand mal seizure in a month. I thik it has something to do with how weak I feel the first time was like having a stroke. I lost my sight hearing and speech. I was in pain for days after. I think maybe its done damage I cant see. I never had a seizure in my life before. Can these things really appear out of thin air.. I doubt it.
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9:56a
11:39pm Saturday Evening
Good evening diary and whomever is reading you.
Been a quiet day and night. I have washed my dog , discovered my ex is badmouthing me, did my hair, and some work. Im running a virus scan because i swsear there is a virus on here the computer anit virus is npt picking up. Im doing some graphic work in adobe and considering watching a movie.Nics mum is staying here for a couple of days. She is very nice. She brought a lot of food and told me it was for both of us. I dont want it I wish she hadnt brought it. It makes me depressed.
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9:59a
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
I forgot to take the recycling out
and that really annoys me. I hate having the bin full for a whole extra week.
Awwww Theo just came to say hello and has settled on my feet!! So good because I get chillblaines and cold feet. I would recommend my bulldog foot warmer to any person who has cold extremeties. They also make excellent if somewhat noisy hot water bottles. Im not doing much today. Nic has gone toAuckland for a 2day expo. Ive been cleanign the house and theodore and I hve both taken baths. Im thinking about lighting the fire but ill wait a while. Nothing much of interest to write today. Still absorbed by my book of measurements and when i have the energy i will reproduce it here. I was going to take it to therapy on friday but i was too scared. This week I will do it
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10:00a
Friday, July 15, 2005
Just so tired
Its 10:54am I feel like I have woken from a 100 year sleep. It was the first real sleep i had in three days. Sitting in the dark with sunglasses on because your eyes are so sensitive to light does not count. I joked to Theo it might take less effort for me to just roll out of bed. It was so hard to get up so I just lay there and let Theo give me those little wrinkly bulldog snuffle kisses while i felt my bones in their new openess as they dug into the bed and seemed to try to burst out of my skin. Yes Ive lost weight Im too scared to get on the scales right now i just am drinking a cup of fat free hot chocolate with water and until I throw that up I cannot weigh. I have this intolerable feeling of fullness bloating and stomach pain after the consumption of anything. If I sit down I can squeeze my stomach and it will make horrible noises with each squeeze. Strange how much things change. I hated been bulimic I guess I still am but at least my BMI is lower. No more long lists of countless kilos of food devoured. No Im not even sure last time I ate. No wait 2 days ago I had a slice of bread with no margerine only because there was none. Even those small items bread or an apple has to be purged. It is so much harder on my body and my vive to be purging. When I was anorexic sure I felt tired and exhausted but now Im just dead. I have been keeping up with my treatment. I see my doctor weekly and my gp every other week. I just had a ECG last week. It was abnormal suprise suprise. I had extra beats and an uneven rhythm my doctor says the heart muscle is deteriorating. He says if I keep going like this I will have a heart attack. My heart cant deal with all this. So what do I do?? I was supposed to be going into the inpatient program at the Ashburn in JUNE but there was an "emergency" and I was pushed back again. Then on the news there was features about how eating disorder treatment in New Zealand is inadequate and how many others were also waiting.
I have been restricting for 83 days now no more than 300 calories a day on average. I also have not touched a drop of alcohol. I am stone cold sober and boy life is no prettier sober is it. Really though I do not feel so dismal. My meds are working well and you should see my gorgeous gorgeous boy Theo. He is so massive a huge white HEAVY ball of wrinkles. My new friends are coming over today and they will weigh Theo for me. I cant pick him up anymore. Im guessing he weighs about 33kilos. Theo my darling has also now proven his cleverness. He is my own little wonder dog. For the cost of one biscuit or other tidbit he will shake your hand or lie down :) We are working on more tricks! My friends who are coming over are most lovely. I have known Mark for sometime he is a lovely boy and I feel very close to him and like to offer him support, and love whenever I can. He also has no family and I know how that feels. He introduced me to Robin and his girlfriend Chonny. They are so nice and come to visit me at home and are so understanding of my fear to go out. Chonny and I are going to sew curtains and she is going to teach me to make a dress from a pattern her nana gave her. We both like cross stich, knit badly, love dogs, love gardening and are painfully shy. She doesnt have many friends either and I feel so blessed to have met them. Well I better get dressed have to go to the doctors soon. Well if Nic is back his lovely girlfriend Jen is here for the weekend and they are out I forgot to ask yesterday. I really cant miss my appointment today. Its been almost 3 weeks since Dr Green saw me I think I have lost 4-5 kilos since then. Ive been told I look gaunt. I kind of want him to notice but I dont. Im scared. Today I am taking my "Book" with me. I really am. I have to show him the madness in which I am living. My book contains pages of hand drawn graphs, daily food logs, and 12 weigh ins per day. Pages and Pages of calculations and numbers. I will sit for 3 - 4 hours just staring at those numbers willing them to go lower and hating myself more. There is no more sanity in the room in my head. Someone is gone and they left the door wide open. I just fell of the step but no one was there to catch me.
I bumped my head.
MAdness lets rename this the diary of a mad woman. You should not expect any less and really if i act strange or mad its starvation and never sleeping. Good bye Diary.
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10:00a
Today
I know I havent been around much I havent been feeling well. Im back though and will try to update more.... ill get new photos of theo too
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v133/miirage/new/Picture22.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v133/miirage/new/Picture23.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v133/miirage/new/Picture12.jpg
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10:01a
Saturday, March 12, 2005
ugly person inside and out
All day i spent on the toilet until it burned. I have manged to kind of restrict for two dayshaving b/ps only in the evening. Tonight I went out. Well not really out. Across the road from me (litearaly) is an elderly gentleman called Huub (Dutch). I met him because when i was having a b/p session next door at the pub (the only place i leave my house to go and then just once every 2 weeks or so part of my therapy contract and its ok there is no young people there) anyway i was there and the owner introduced me to a man and his wife and the man was huub's son in law. He told me his father in law's wife had died the year before and he was very lonely and could I go and visit him some times (I guess the owner of the pub said i dont leave my house much :er: ) so I now try to visit Huub a couple of times a week and help him in the garden or just talk to him. Anyway he liks to have a drink so I went over to have some wine with him and our dogs played together and had a wonderful time. Also i did too hes a lovely guy and been the horrible person I am I said I was hungry and would have to go home soon and he got out chips i stuffed my fat face with them and he refilled the bowl.Then i did go home thinking i would b/p i was so drunk (id already drunk wine before id gone out) and i just woke up about 20 mins ago.. and couldnt remeber going to sleep.. yes im a black out alcoholic.I finally kind of remembered I ate 2 grilled cheese and a small slice of chocolate cake. Once i remembered i went to puke several hours later and while i tasted chocolate and some lumps came up i know i absorbed most of the calories
And that is it Im a failure I cant do anything properly and people will say well it wasnt that much food its not so bad.. SURE its not bad when your underweight or thin but im not im a fat fat fat ugly girl and i really hate myself so much. I dont feel im making any progress in therapy. I still feel like I can not be a nice or good person. That I will always continue as this shell of a nice person living a pretense. I feel like when I come into any interaction with the world or people that it will push me back and throw me down punish me for who i am.
Lately I have wanted to die and I havent picked up the phone and told my doctorss and why you may ask? Im not sure but I think it is because Im scared they would stop me. I dont think i will do it but it just shows me that my therapy my attempts to recover in some small way are nto paying off. I feel so guilty in therapy the things I talk of and that I am able to have therapy while others can not afford it or can not find suitable treatment and when they are so obviously in need. I do not deserve it I deserve nothing.
Now this weekend I will be alone my plan was to not eat to be skinnier but when i got groceries did i stick to my rice and cabbage.. NO what did i buy binge food in mass amounts and with every item i placed in the cupboards or the fridge i hated myself more as i counted the ridiculous amount of caories and fat laden stuff that will be inside of me and even when i remove it it leaves the fat inside of me so that I wobble and waddle and i become fatter butt even that i dont do well enough surely if i was better at purging it would hurt more it would kill me
It doesnt I dont even deserve peaceI cant let the world look in at me see my truth
See the girl who is hated
See the girl who looks at herself and yet wonders what she sees
I just want to go away but I do too often
My friend comes she rests by me and comforts me
But she lets my body eat and she lets me get fat
But I lay the blame again always blaming others its also me I also eat shovel the food in trying to feel something but i feel nothing.
I do feel nothing anymore no matter how much food I eat or how many times i leanover the toilet and stare as my insides are removed. I dont remove the pain you would think it would eat away at me corrode me but its not enough im feeling nothing compared to others and it is obvious in my person my body everything.
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10:01a
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Nirvana: I hate myself and i want to die
Yes one of the songs of the with the lights out 3cd collection.. I like a little Nirvana mostly the songs from the unplugged album but whenever I see this title in my playlist I think yes me too.
I am scaring myself, yet I am not scared. I am calm and placid and I can not tell if it is worse. I am dissociating I am disappearing. I am waiting for her to come back and take me away. I must become thinner smaller less of myself than I am right now. For how can I cope otherwise with this depression this fear and this hatred. I have just lay for one hour with my bare cheek pressed against the side of my sweet Theo drinking in his sweet soft smell, hearing his little heart beat and the snuffles he makes in his sleep. My little boy (my dog not a child) is the only one who I can trust not to hate me even though sometimes my paranoia tries to get the best of me he wins when he puts his little paws on me and snuggles up next to me. He always wins.
So why am I so bad why am I like this. I have been lying here in the dark wondering how did I become this way? So scared of everything so sad so full of hatred. I have enclosed my self again in my room my space and I have to protect myself from the fear. The fear of what you may ask and I would laugh then.. the fear of been me of course.
Now pause I must find myself a drink.
Why do I even bother to try to hope to live? Do you know? Dont answer its rhetorical. I know the answers but they make no real sense. I listen to them I nod and I understand and I still wander lost.
Yes I recognize my depressive state my misery but i dont wallow in it and i dont say look at me I am miserable I am dying here. I feed it back inside of me. I hide it beneath skin and fat and hair. Sometimes I let it out when I vomit and it spews out or when I cut and the blood seeps to the surface. Again it recognizes that I am still alive. Still shivering in this shell of a wretched body.
Yet you can step on me and crush me put me down.
Oh murderer they would say and I would only laugh.
Its a laugh of madness
High and pitched
Almost a squeal, yes a squeal from this pig
I think i drag on and the words do not flow easily which shows me that i have no mroe to say and will i remember wrting this? Was this me who wrote today? Who is me? Tell me since I have no clue.
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10:01a
Just another day in the life of a strange girl
proud because my credit card statement arrived and i took out my blackmarker and blacked out my credit card number so i wont waste more money on pizza and i paid $20 to my credit card and am slowly working on my bulimia induced debt.. also i dont have much food so im praying i dont go mad now nic just left the house and eat all his food.. *sigh* im working on trying to be more recovery orientated and today i have eaten 4 very small fat free meals and kept them all down ididnt want to purge so im going to try but i will see how i do. I feel fat and i need to lose wieght and all night i lay awake thinking aboiut how big i was and how stupid I am and the fat on me. Today i opened up my fitday account again and have been writing in my food journal so i really really hope i can find some balance.. Purging is killing me mentally physically and financially and I think if i wait the three months till i go IP without doing anything Ill either die or try to kill myself again neither of which i think i really want..
Anxiety and paranoia are out of control I can not do anythign I am paralyzed by fear I cannot bear to see people i hide in my big clothes even from myself. I also can not go out in the main room if Nic is home because he likes the curtains open and i feel watched like something is out there and it scares me. I mean I knwo its nothing but I just feel so down so terrible so depressed. Ive been sick this week and my body is sore. Now my head is no better. Depression, paranoia, constant obsession with my weight and how ugly I look.
Just pray with me that some light will arrive that I will begin to shift out of the blackness as the week passes.
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10:02a
Friday, February 25, 2005
only what is real
i bleed and i paint a picture of my sin in my blood
i watch it flower unlike i could
watch it dry
shrivel like i should
and I want to scream
but i have no voice
i am bound
with ropes
that tie me down
i bleed to watch me die
to find a place to go
to leave this
all behind
hold me now keep me safe
dont ever
let me
go
where are you my love
my comfort in this pain
hold me to rest
protect me
from what i bear
not to see
dont let me understand
keep me from the hurt
close my eyes
let me rest
kiss my forehead gentle
let me go to sleep
hold me still
protect my ignorance
i can not bear the pain
i wish to ignore
i just want to slit
let me bleed to rest
i am not living
im only dead
away from all the pain
watching in the dark
I AM NOT HERE
this is not my world
you control the dark
dont leave me
i can not cope
in the light
i dont want to fight
leave me
what is your name my darling? You never tell me only say sleep now im here.. who are you
you love me i know
and it is returned you are my love my saviour
without you my sleep is disturbed and i can not rest
i need you so please promise never to leave
i miss you lately and yet you come always when i can not hink and im lost and i need you so badly it almost hurts
so why am i bleeding why am i sitting here alone in shock for what i have done
and i don tunderstand what i say
and i understand less who you are
yet i crave your presense
i need to hear your tender words wooing me to sleep
take this away
ive had enough tonight
i must rest
so im waiting i will sit and count
count and bleed and cut until you come and you save me
i love you my nameless friend my precious one
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10:02a
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
One day at a time
I wonder what they thought when they coined that phrase. Whomever "they" were.
Just one day. One day each time.
what are you supposed to do with that one day?
I live my life like it says one day but somehow those days become lost until they blur
and I am living a multitude of days that have blended so closely to one another that each becomes indifferent to the next. Its funny to think of the days in that way trying to pass each other by but failing and instead running into each other. Colliding together. Maybe its that crash that causes the loss of hours those hours that should be there but somehow got lost along the way.
I wake each day and never know what to expect. I wake and I will try I will promise I will cajole. However it soon falls away blasts away into what will become time past. Soon I am racing about creating mixes of food simple and quick. Ravaging these items with utensils hands or combinations of the both. Etiquette has no play among bulimia I am like an animal that must fill the knawing gap in its belly.
Have you seen the Nothing I am that nothing which nothing can satisfy or fill. You must remember that tale of that beautiful boy bastian who hides away in the attic with an ancient tomb which leads him to a fantasy eworld the world of the never ending story oh how when I was young did I feel I was Bastian. Lying in that darkened attic in a blanket with a huge book away from the school, the teachers, the children. It was me hiding in the library or curled up at home in one corner of my room living adventure after adventure in my mind with the help of the pile of books. But now I am not that child. I am the nothing and for those of you who read the book or saw the film you will understand.
I am what terrifies now that small child.
So each day I try to push it aside but it lives in this shell of this body and it crawls out to destroy and putrify all that surrounds it.
Like a disease I spread between the days myself blurring into one persona becoming what I dont know. Or who I dont know and again I retreat so I only watch from afar the shoveling the expulsion the shame. I see it as distant and again I sleep resting the tired eyes that have become so world worn they can barely open.
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10:03a
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
The day after valentines
I managed to somehow overcome my fear and got my scales out yesterday they will now remain out. In their rightful place beneath the dreaded mirror. To allow myself to stare at the numbers in actuality.
So I am fat / overweight not obese but well on my way. Laugh if you will. However it is true.
Theodore is having his breakfast. I am drinking my tea.
I will now drink coffee
I will walk Theodore
I will be me and sit in my internal silence
And
I will clean
I will scrub, vacuum, polish, and wash
To clear any tarnish that may have stained the surroundings.
Its strange the habits one has and they way we each do our things. For me nothing can be less than perfect. I can not leave a few grains of coffee on the counter or a water stain on the tap or even a sliver of onion upon the floor. Everything must be spik and span as some refer to it.
When I was very young I remember waking in the night and making sure everything was perfect before I could finally close my eyes and retreat into the darkness that encompasses what we describe to each other as night.
I remember waiting till my door was closed, the light switch flicked, the night turned on in all its glory. Then I would slide out from beneath the bed clothes. I would find my school uniform, so carefully pressed and laid out on a chair just waiting for the human limbs that will one time fill its empty threads. My gentle fingers would run along the buttons, the pleats in the heavy grey skirt, the patterns in the criss crossed white knee socks. All these things in their childish perfection were a joy to me. So much that I would dress at that moment in my badly labeled underwear and vest. Pull with almost trepardation the perfect socks on and finally slip into the crisp shirt. The skirt remained in its righful place for fear that the pleats would be forever damaged.
And there I would lie. Counting away the minutes till I could wake and pull on the pleated skirt which had to be safety pinned on one side so that it would not slide from what could be described as decidedly boney hips. Then finally slipping on the orthopedic styled black school shoes.
I was in such a rush, a rush to learn to be in school and to be reading and exploring.
I was 6 or 7.
It was only later that school became hell. That childish naivety failed to mask the truth of others comments towards this strange girl.
This girl who rushed through her words, spilling into the next sentence. Who fidgeted while she stood from one foot to the next witha nervous energy. The girl who stood apart from her peers who was always different. The girl who became strange and left alone. The girl with no friends who had to create those to please her mother. Her mother who would ask constantly who her friends were. Why she didn't bring them home. What was wrong with her?
The mother would visit the school and present herself to the teachers wanting to see if the names her daughter presented as friends were indeed true or were they false.
They were false it was all false
She only lived in words
In books
In another world
And still she is gone and those who know doubt ever her return
For what is there to entice her back. She used all she has when she was young. Now there is no more left to spend in energy or time.
She lives in a beautiful world with her one friend.
They talk together. They comfort one another.
However one is stronger she soothes her and strokes her hair sending her to a peaceful sleep away from where she has to think.
So she is still a child and nothing touches the child.
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10:03a
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Hallucinations: Strange night
Ok this was my evening last night.
I suffer from long term insomnia currently taking imovane or zoplicone as its termed. I am supposed to take upto two pills when having trouble sleeping. Around midnight I took one tablet. I closed my book and turned the lights off and proceeded with my concentration and relaxation techniques. This includes circular breathing while counting to relax my heart beat and anxiety. I then continue with a visualization techniques to relax my body part by part. After that and still awake I continued with my eyes shut counting and eventually losing the train of thought and began thinking of food. And making lists of food.
So I got up and took one more tablet of zoplicone. Read another chapter of my book turned the lights off and closed my eyes. After breathing for a whole and feeling more relaxed but still not tired enough I opened my eyes. That's when I started seeing things.
I have never experienced anything like this. It started as bright red moving lights and a dancing fairy like creature. The red dots soon formed together and soon I was seeing my whole room filled with these floating creatures like tropical fish or jellyfish. I checked my curtains had no gaps.. NONE
I closed my eyes opened them again, still there. I could even see them where my hand should be. I had my eyes wide open when I squinted I couldn't see them as clearly. Kind of freaked out and scared because they were so close to me. I woke my dog and after several shakes he finally lifted his head up I made him look but he registered nothing. I jumped up turned on the lights. It was all gone. I went and knocked on my flatmates door and made him come in. We turned the lights off and closed the door. I can still see it all he could not. He went back to bed I lay there and watched these hallucinations they seemed to form into scenes of people. Finally I closed my eyes and went to sleep.
This morning I woke crying in a deep depression thinking of how I have never tried to hang myself that I should hang my body in the dead of night from a tree. I was crying. Only when I heard my flatmate wake up. Did I get up. Blow my nose. Wipe my eyes. Open my curtains and came out and made him crepes with orange juice and sugar to apologise for waking him. This is not a message that I am going to kill myself by the way. I have suicidal thoughts a lot. This was just extremely vivid and came upon me in such a strange way. I could just visualize myself hanging there.
I wish I could have put into words how real it was and how weird it all disappeared when the lights went on and all began to form right in front of my eyes when they went back off and not even asking someone else to look made them leave. I also asked my friend this morning he said I was completely lucid and sounded normal.
And then there was the morning it wasn't a hallucination it was like someone took a brand and branded this image of me into my head it was crystal clear perfect detail and all these words were running through my head of past conversations and thoughts of my dog and my possessions..And now I feel none of it. I can still see the image in my minds eye but its not burning in there. I feel my usual anxiety but that's a very normal feeling for me as is the depression which comes and goes Yeah so im sure this is another huge post, it just feels good to get this out.
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10:03a
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Sunday somewhere in Febuary
I cut last night. FOrtunatly not too badly only though since I'm packing and I packed all my razors and knives except for one. It was not very sharp. I cut my ankle several long cuts nothing deep and I don't even know why I did it. At least I remembered doing it just can not remember what I was thinking.
Theodore got complimented by this old man who has the most beautiful garden. (Yes I made it out of the house.. I feel safer with Theo.) He used to have a bulldog and gave him some cuddles. It was cute. I love that everyone thinks my boy is so handsome I posted his newer pics on some places and everyone compliments him. Its so trite really all my friends online have watched him grow up. Been online is a life for me and my friends real. I love them and they understand and we can help each other.
My forums are really growing and I am so pleased with the positive atmosphere and the beautiful people who have joined.
Gah Im gushing. I got told my attitude and my not wanting to offend people is annoying. I can't help it. I would never say a hard word to people or want to offend someone I am overly sensitive and a lot of people with ED's or anxiety are and social influences are a major factor in disorders. So I feel it is important to take care with ones words. Because they can and do hurt. They cut me like a knife.
Anyway going to check on the forums was offline a couple of days...
Love Miirage & Theodore
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10:04a
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Have not posted in my diary in so long because there is something so weird in my head
Im ashamed to really post about how I am feeling but I will try.. I missed my doctors appointment today probably because these issues are really difficult to talk about and while I have been thinking about them day and night and even dreaming about it I don't think I was quite ready to talk about it.
Therapy was hard last week. I talked about my family and my mother mostly.. I feel very guilty saying anythign bad or for feeling that I was unhappy I also feel like I am lying or creating things and that my memories are not real and Im just saying them to hurt my family or to manipulate my therapist even though to me they feel real its confusing because some things I remember my mother says I made up??
Anyway I dont really feel like sharing more. Im really having some major problems roght now. Im talking to myself and having weird dreams and thank god for Theodore hes the only thing that calms me down I can hold him and stroke his fur and I feel safer and my heart slows down
Do you know my doctors know my site.. if your reading Dr Green Im really sorry i missed my appointment today I do it to often but this time was a better reason well i guess for wasting your time no maybe its not I just hate going out so much and I get stressed days before I see you worrying about going outside to come to your office
So today my purges..
First:6 packs of ramen made into soup
3 carrots
1 onion
3 potatoes
2 loaves white bread
1 container margerine
36 of the most delicious dark chocolate and orange cookies YUM
Second:1 loaf white bread
1 loaf honey wheat bread
3 containers cream cheese
1 kilo peanut butter UHH stuck to my mouth
525gram box cornflakes
2 litres low fat milk
diet coke
Third:1 large hawaiian pizza
1 large cajun chicken pizza
1 large meat lovers with BBQ sauce pizza
1 garlic bread
12 chicken wings with dipping sauce
2 boxes hot chips
4 litres mountain dew
Fourth:5 packs ramen
1/2 container margerine
400 grams approx edam cheese grated
1/2 container ketchup
water
its 1am so im done.
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10:04a
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Spinach and ricotta tortellini
It is strange how soon things can change and become the opposite of what they were just so recently. How recently you ask?? Well I'm too lazy to check but I know at Christmas I was sat alone at an all you can eat buffet gorging plates of food and jugs of water or diet coke. Today I needed to do some shopping. I decided to go along with him for the car ride and because Theo particulars enjoys the joys of motoring. (I could see him being like Mr Toad of Toadhall from Wind In The Willows because hes a funny little boy!! He keeps getting stuck under chairs and in doors he doesn't realize how big he has become!!)
Anyhow I am speaking of how my eating disorder has once again turned. I think that most people who have an eating disorder will find them passing through more than one diagnosis during their illness. So far I can look at my life and see several changes in my eating disorder.
Infant - Fussy only liked to eat French Brie and peas.
Childhood - A lot of problems at meal times. Having to eat foods in order and by colour and been punished repeatedly for not finishing a meal or not liking some kind of food. We would sometimes have to sit there until bed and we couldn't have anything else to eat.
Aged 10-12: Compulsive over eating disorder. This was brought on by the banning of white sugar products in our home and any processed or junk food or any food containing artificial colors, flavorings or MSG which gives both my parents migraines.) We were allowed carob and rice paper bars and once or twice a month my father would bring home Swiss chocolate bars. (Side note they were absolutely delicious!) I stole money from my parents during this time to support my food habit. I am very ashamed that I did this. That I was a thief and if I could turn back time I would not do it again. I don't even know why I needed so much. I would buy whole cakes and boxes of meringues and eclairs from a French bakery. At the school canteen I would buy dozens of heated cheese rolls, candy bars and ices. After school I would buy huge bags of 10 cent candy that would be hidden in secret stashes in my room. Everyone saw me eating and the other girls at school told me I was going to be very fat when I was older. This was because as you get older your body can't let you eat so much. To my young ears it was horror, " To grow up and be fat" what a terrible thing that must be. This was around the same time that I was getting out of our Australian swimming pool and my mother told me I was getting chubby. I was the smallest girl at school in stature and in mass. So I began to look more carefully and to look often into mirrors. I became obsessed staring and pulling at my face infront of the bathroom mirror trying to understand why I looked so ugly so manlike. Nothing was right and at school I continued my lonely existence. I didn't have any friends at this time except those created to appease the parents. I spent my free school hours with books or tucked up inb the computer lab playing tetris and crystal maze while devouring cookies or chips.
All the looking in the mirror and glancing at my reflections in windows I passed created more of a distance in me. I knew that I was that girl and I was horrible, worthless and stupid but she seemed more and more distant and so strange to understand. My mother took me to the library with her and got out a psychiatry book. She soon declared that I was a narcissist and it explained my vanity because I always thought I was just so beautiful didn't I? No mom I never did that was you not me.
There is also one more interesting episode during this time. At school we were required to do a project on family trees. I retrieved the family tree to laboriously create a hand drawn copy. By my fathers name I saw written two other female names. It transpired that my father had been married twice before. The first wife he divorced for cheating the second he divorced because she was anorexic. I still don't know what to think of it but its not that strange is it the pivotal or defining moments in our childhoods. It was very traumatic for me to discover these ex wives and it is still hard to comprehend.
Aged 13-16: Anorexia Nervosa Purging Type (Laxatives and exercize) , EDNOS During this time I maintained a very low weight which was passed off as running in the family. I remember summers with one bowl of KIX cereal as a new diet and throwing away lunches.
Aged 17-21: Anorexia Nervosa Purging Type (Laxatives and exercize) Things continued much the same at 19 during what my father describes as another bout of my anorexia (Oh god we said the word that doesn't exist) I reached my lowest adult weight of about 36kilos or 80lbs.
Aged 21-22: Recovery or something like that. I tried but was still unable to shake a sometimes laxative habit and it was during this time I attempted again to purge by vomiting.
Aged 22- 23: Bulimia Nervosa. It took me 6 months to admit to myself that I was no longer anorexic. I was embarrassed and ashamed for my loss of control and I hated it. I went from purging a fat free cup of soup to spending Christmas day alone in an all you can eat buffet devouring plates of food hardly pausing to breathe. Bulimia caused me to spend all my saving and max out my credit cards. It was during this time I also became an alcoholic. I also started stealing food from shops. I became a depraved creature and all day I ate and puked no matter where I was. The lowest point has to be the day I made nic pull over to the side of the road and I puked there in full view of the world or perhaps it was the day that I ate my dogs food because I was so hungry and nothing could fill me.
Age current: Anorexia Nervosa purging type vomiting and laxatives. Now I've gone full circle and eat sometimes every other day. All my food and most liquids are purged and the obsession with scales and numbers is extreme.
So when I went with nic to the supermarket I had purchased 8 kilos of dogfood, bath soap, toilet paper and one pack of spinach tortellini. They are sitting in the fridge but I am too scared to eat them and too tired to throw them up. So they sit there and secretly I hope they will stay there today I stepped on the scales at 47kilos or 104lbs a BMI of 16. I don't look it though its ridiculous my bones hurt as they didg through my skin yet I'm drowning in the fat I see. Is there anyway I can be saved. Why do they make me wait so long when I ask for help. I have no choice but to keep going because I am driven by a devil which beats me if I dare to stop.
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10:05a
Saturday, August 13, 2005
New Domains: www.anorexia-files.com and www.bulimia-files.com
So I have brought two new domains http://www.anorexia-files.com/ and http://www.bulimia-files.com/ at the moment the content is the same but I have plans to change that. The http://www.anorexia-files.com/ one is going to have anorexia stories, recovery stories, poetry, art, non fiction etc. and the www.bulimia-files.com will have the same pages only with a focus on bulimia.
Eventually I want to have a set of domains:
www.anorexia-files.com
www.bulimia-files.com
www.coe-files.com
www.ednos-files.com
www.orthorexia-files.com
might not be too far away. Im also plannign on expaning the non eating disorder parts of the site. This means the mental health material. I would like to expand the collection.
Ok got to go I am watching INXS.. Bye
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10:05a
Monday, August 15, 2005
This is a little bit of a rant as I have sat here gazing happily at a review of the seagate barracuda 404GB external harddrive with its reasonable price, excellent speed and best of all the 5 year warranty which pushed the tide in its favor. This is because I can not afford the AlienWare laptop that is featured in a place of pride on my wall next to my charts and graphs calculating weight loss amounts, percentiles and BMI changes and above a plethora of bottles filled with scented creams and powders. Maybe one day until then Ill be happy to buy the barracuda and proudly ask people if they want to borrow some of my (hopefully to be) 400gb of porn and warez ;) However I wanted more than ever to purchase a pink external drive cover.... yes PINK... girls happen to like pink you know and no dammit red is not close enough and I don't like blue!! This is the problem the computer market for advanced users or for those who like to put together their own system does not cater to the female market. I feel lost and alone out in this cyberworld. I think in years I have only met a handful of other females with similar interests. I can sit for 15-16 hours online and never once become bored. I want to be able to have accessories and things which are more suited to my feminimity. Yes I get excited by high speed high powered gear and I do indeed drool over pc magazine and fiddle around with broken parts when Im bored. So what do you think it is? Why so few females that actively pursue these hobbies? Are they all pretending to be men? Or are they just somewhere I have not found yet? I am tired of been a femle who loves computers you should try it for a while its not as much fun as you think. I constantly have to produce my webcam to prove that I am indeed one member of the fairer sex. I am constantly told my photos are not of me and sigh... female computer geeks are not as trendy as guy ones... Boys your in luck in a cosmo mag I read about Why Women Want a Computer Nerd... Dont know why guys dont want them or why we cant be considered as a ideal partner in Cosmo :O
Well thats enough rambling...
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10:06a
It seems I am improving in my blog keeping skills. I really wanted to write more in my diary. I felt that siince I lost my old blog my entries have been some what sparce. It is also very good for therapy. It helps when I can print out my diary or refer my doctor to an entry. it allows me to talk about things that otherwise I would find very difficult to broach. I seem to have an oral block so to speak. There are some subjects i am unable to converse on. Whether it is too painful or i am too ashamed or too scared I do not know. There are a lot of things I need to talk about but it is a slow process gettign there. You may have noticed in the last year or so i have spoken more and more about my childhood. While my father was a rather distant figure and still is in my awarness of life, my mother has been a pivitol influence. It has been in this recent times that i have approached in therapy the discussion of my mother. It seems it is the hardest thing to do. I think I have feared her for so long. Fear of her person and fear of her rejection. I have no mother except that that gave birth to me. There is an obvious lack of maternal attatchment yet I held a view of y mother that weas perfection and I was unable to sully any idea I had or felt I was supposed to have. Now I can stand up and i can say and I can write that i do not respect my mother as a person. I do not respect people who are pessemistic and judgemental. I do not agree with racism, sexism, nor do I hate peopel who are gay. I prefer friends who are open minded and whom display a willingness to allow others their views and who do not suffer hatred or ignorance. We are a far removed society from that of our parents. I prescribe to the view that you may choose your friends but not your family. I do not wish to write here that my mother is a bad person. I only believe she would benefit greatly from therapy. I also believe that her effect on my life is a negative one. I also hope that with the access to knowledge now available she will come to learn that perhaps her and my father did not display the best of choices in parenting. I now understand that no one is infallible. I have lost that childs naivety that allows you to hold your parents in a hero worship view. I am certain my mother would disagree with all I say here and repeat her oft mentioned quips that I am disturbed, delusional, incapable of truth, a naughty girl, born bad, confused, angry, twisted, vain but mother I am none of those things. I am willing to listen and accepting that I am not always right. I will though no more ignore and invalidate the way i feel. And damn it feels really good to say that. You dont realise how deeply these things effect you. The influence every moment has on ythe formation of your life. No child is born too cause trouble. No one is born bad. We are products of our environment and the influences in our lives. We grow to be what we are told we are become. So dont forget to believe in the people around you because a person who is trusted and a person who is respected in their own right will grow to be confident and strong. Well thats far enough into my head for today. In sure you will agree. See you later all
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10:06a
Thursday, August 18, 2005
It was a beautiful and warm day in Christchurch, New Zealand. Its supposed to be mid winter yet all the blossum trees are blooming and it felt like winter was over. This winter has been very mild and I wonder how much these warmer temperatures are influenced by global warming. In the few years I have been in New Zealand the weather has progressively become warmer. I find it so discouraging tha only now people are beginning to pay attention to global warming and still there is not a larger push to do something about it. I think another serious issue is the pollution of the ocean waters. The destructions of the coral reefs which house so many of the worlds creatures and it is these which feed the plankton which feed the fish. For such a cycle to pass and for these things to be destroyed is a catastrophe that can not be imagined. Such is the by product of technology and intelligent. Intelligence that is inherently lacking in its blatant disregard for the planet which provides its very platform for life. Is it that as humans we tend to ignore that which is unpleasent or is it procrastination. Putting off the things we have little interest in to invest in those that we do. Things are moving so quickly it seems now. World events that is.
I remember in my final year of high school when I was 16. I was at a boarding school and each Saturday we would have a guest speaker who came to campus and whom spoke to us for a number of hours. There is one man that strands apart in my mind well aside from the SWAT team leader. He spoke to us about the periods of extinction. He told us that when the dinasours were wiped out was an extinction period and that humans were now also in a stage of extinction. We tend to think of things in a matter of hours or even minutes now, in science however a period of many years may be required to follow patterns. Our world has become too populated and so it makes sense that nature must repair in someway to rid itself of the excess strain. Rumours of a panademic, AIDS in Africa and China, pollution in growing industrialization of third world countrys, tsunamis, and global warming. All could possibly be attributed to this.
I am fascinated by the forces and power of nature and have always been interested in volcanology, seismonlgy, geology etc. How can one not be I often wonder because truly what is more fascinating than that which we can not control.
Not much else to talk about. I have therapy tomorrow so Ill post about how that is. Good night everyone ill be watching INXS but ill be around later!
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10:07a
Sunday, August 21, 2005
writing again i think
one drop
on my hand
falling from the sky
opens with a quiet breath
Dampening my face
Every drop
Falling on my skin
Spills from the clouds
Ripples in its growing echo
Each drop
Dancing on my tongue
Echoes in resonance
Quenching sate my thirst
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10:07a
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Trip to the emergency room last night
Last night I was online in Nics office and installing my webcam. All I remember is everything starte flashing and i tried to get up and move the next thing i knew nic had come home and found me lying on the floor. I didnt really know what had happened but i did think it was another seizure and when i got up it was confirmed. My legs and arms were bent at funny angles and i could not move properly. I was in a lot of pain. I then told nic i thin i had another seizure could he take me to the hospital. He took me in and they came and put me in a wheel chair and took me into the emergency room and put me in bed. The doctor confirmed I had indeed suffered a second grand mal seizure in about a four? week period. They drew blood and my electrolytes were ok and I had a electrocardiogram ECG. Nic looked curious about that hes never seen anyone been hooked up to an ecg. I dont actually know if hes been to the ER before! The ER doctor said he was going to send a letter to my doctor i had trouble remembering my doctors name infact i could not think clearly. My brain felt clouded. Thet gave me some valium and muscle relaxants to ease the tension in my limbs. I still this morning have a finger i can not feel and the left side of my body was worse. The doctor said its really bad im having these seizures and he is asking my doctor to get me a referral to a neurologist. He thinks my brain may be ?well that theres something wrong there. I am certain it has been caused by bulimia and anorexia. I used to be healthy and in the past couple of years it has deteriorated rapidly. My BMI is varying between BMI 15.8 and 16 Nic says i look thin and underweight but I dont believe him I feel so massive so horrible. I dont ever want another seizure Id rather go into a coma. Really it was horrible. Well thats the only thing going on at the moment. Im going to go back to reading my book now.
Bye Diary
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10:07a
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
So I went to the doctors yesterday afternoon. They have put me on anti seizure medication in the hope it will prevent any more seizures. Its called Epilim and I believe its the name for the New Zealand and Australian markets. As naturally I ran a google search on it to check on its side effects and so forth. I am extra cautious since I was put on prozac fluxoetine and it caused me to become very suicidal and I repeatedly made attempts on my life and was not sure why I was doing it/ Yes I do know there is a law suit but thats for the tort lawyers in America to profit from. Im just grateful I made it through.
Great one more well three more pills to swallow. I had a weird day today. Lots of things going on but its all done with now. I decided to cook Nic dinner since I noticed he had some mince defrosted in the microwave. I made a meatloaf which has pumpkin and potatoe in it. I also made whipped mashed potatoes with a little nutmeg and butter. Ill make some gravy from the juices that cooked and serve it to him like that. Hes gone to take a nap now he did look tired but I was talking an awful lot and ranting about the situation in South Africa and the situation in Tibet and general rant on human rights. I guess Im in one of those modes. I just love to debate though and discuss and learn. I have to bounch things of nic its good to talk to him. He has looked tired alot lately so I hope he will like his dinner and I will try to spend some time doing some search engine submission stuff for his web site.
So what else did I do??? I planted some mint, rosemary, and curly leaf parsley to place on the window still next to my gorgeous cactus type plants. I do enjoy gardening for those of you who never read my old lost blog then you might not know that. I also love to clean and organize. I also enjoy sewing and ironing. I think it is the satisfaction that one has that instant satisfaction that makes these activities so pleasurable. I also like washing my dog!! He loves to take bubble baths has his hair conditioned and is not impartial to a bulldog pedicure!!
On another note I remembered what I was doing when I had the seizure. I was in here installing my webcam. Nic went ahead and set it up ( yeah hes a cam whore) and when I sae it with its little light on it all came back and I remembered I had been doing that. I had no recollection until then.
Well I better get going need to have a shower and all those evenign time things. Good night diary.
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10:08a
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Up all night once again
When I saw my doctor on Friday he worried I was in a manic state. I assured him I was not and I just got hyper when really tired.I did sleep since then but not last night. Its 7am now and Nic is sleeping and Theo is snoring by my feet as usual. Last night I spent time working on the brand new look for my site and the ones for the new domains. Im really happy with howe they are looking but because of my perfectionism it takes me so long. I didnt do much else besides work on the times cryptic crossword oh and nic and i went and dropped off old clothes in the special bin down the road. It was so misty outside!! Well I need to do some cleaning and rest a bit. I havent posted because i havent been feeling well. There have been a couple of times whhen i thought i was going to have a seizure again :(
ok bye for now
BMI:15.8
Weight: 47kg
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10:08a
The multifaceted demenour of my existance
Would it be curious to imagine the many sides of your mortality. To take a look from each angle to see how life has reflected there. You will see each surface is different. Each perception unique. Every death relivable. I should have been dead how many times until now I have not bothered to assess.
Most recently I hired a man to hire another man to kill me. On disocvering that I was a willing participant in this so called murder? suicide? I was offered a half price deal. Only $5000. What a deal you think particularly as the money is not needed once deceased. Except that this immoral world we live in has suddenly found a way to grasp on to those last tendrils of respect for the living. Yes imagine a drug dealer with a conciencse.
We have worked our way in the past years through the hallways that house the dreary metholody of suicide. The drug prozac ended in a disembodied consumption of a pile of clooured capsules that would not stay in one place. Not in one place until they were all gone down the hatch. Then I went to sleep.
How many times did we swallow sleeping pills, and paracetemol praying for the kidneys to fail for the medical teams to commit a mal practisce and allow this one to slip by.
There was the night we taped up the car windows and brought hose from a hardware store only to pass out from an excess of wine and pills on the return trip to gas oneself.
I regress I missed the attack the rape the unconciousness the subsequent slashing in crisscrossing patterns. The blood the bath and yes the blood. In all its redness threatenign to come close but never close enough.
Men are twice as successful at suicide as women. They tend to prefer methods that leave less room for error or return to life. Perhaps I was then too drunk to find the required courage.
The first time was when I was 13 standing in the shower of the bathroom of the family home in Hilton Head Island South Carolina. I pulled apart my pink razor and removed the silver blade. I cut and when I saw blood I stopped. While I didn't die I learned a way to cope with emotions I could not handle. To express the words I was not allowed to say and so began the eleven year journey into self injury or self mutilation.
Creativity also manifested itself in my numerous suicide attempts. The strangest perhaps the hoarding and collecting of hundreds of apricots from which I removed the kernels. I ate the horrible bitter almond kernels but couldnt swallow them. I chopped them into small pieces and swallowed them with water. I didn't expect arsenic to make me vomit and vomit I did. Every single sharp edged piece of kernel tore through my throat expelling onto the carpet in foul smelling blood laced mess. I was sick for days after and again came no where close to killing me.
I guess though most people would consider trips to the emergency room and unstable vital stats as been near enough. It never felt like that for me.
Now I am so scared as I look on the visage of my life and I tread anxiously in this new life of recovery. Seizures, heart, kidney, digestive problems. Years of laxative abuse and starvation. Ive been dying for years but slowly slowly. Now when I look to finding a way out it makes it harder because what have I done to my quality of life and what can be recovered from the ruins.
I had a letter from the canterbury district health board. We have recieved the referral from your doctor to see the neurology department. We have reviewed your medical records and have classified your case as urgent. This means we should have an appointment for you in approxamatily 6 months. Wonderful. Thats what they said about in patient for my eating disorder and I think we are going on 12-14 months wait now?
Anyway here are some old photos I found and thought were lost. They are from 2004 except for one from 2002. My friend is Hiroko who took the photos and who is in one of them. She also used to braid my hair. I miss her a lot.
     
You know what is so strange. Look through all my photos and even when Im smiling Im not really. I never looked happy. The only photos where I truly smile are those with Theodore. Infact it is the only time I have ever been truly happy. I love my gorgeous bulldog.
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10:10a
Monday, September 05, 2005
Not good, im house sitting for a friend. I went mad and binged and purged about 6 times. The last time there was quite a lot of blood. Somewhere inside me I found sense enough to realise I needed to stop. Im so embarressed. I ate all that food. Im so disgusting and I hate it.
Theres somethign worse though and im almost too ashamed to write about it. I have bad digestive problems and don't umm have regular bathroom visits. (Sorry I hate talking about things like this) This time there was blood in the toilet and on the toilet paper. I dont know what to do. I can not talk about this to my doctor. I know they hear these things all the time but I feel uncomfortable discussing bodily functions. I guess Ill have to resort to google. Thank god for google.
Anyway Im making some pumpkin soup for my friend because I know how much she like it and doesn't enjoy cooking. She is always so kind about my cooking. Im also making a french style beef casserole with roasted shallots and potatoes. Oh and corn chowder with roast corn. The house smells nice and everythign is lovely and clean. Hopefully she will forgive me for been such a pig and eating so much. I hate bulimia. I did this at my ex's house, at my current house. I eat everything edible and some non edible and spend all day or night in the kitchen and toilet. Then Im faced with the cold reality of the mess, the empty containers, dirty dishes, greasy finger prints, dirty smelly toilet, right hand imbedded with a scent of vomit, and then the exhaustion , the hatred , the shame.
Only ate some soup today and couldnt even keep that down. I can't remember the last time I really kept any food down. Ims ure though I have the exact date and time written down in my pages of food logs.
I vaccummed six times already today. Nothign ever seems good enough. Also my dear sweet theo, well bulldogs are TERRIBLY MESSY eaters!! Youve never seen anythign like it. He manages to get bits of his food all over the viciniy surrounding the food area. So I follow my baby around with the vaccuum. Isay I love things been clean and I do. I also love to clean but sometimes I wonder what would happen if I waited till the end of the day to vaccuum. The answer is I would go mad. I have to tidy up I love clean surfaces no mess. I cant stand filth and don't understand how people can live like that. Now tidiness I am less bothered about for other people at least. Its up to them to decide what they like. Filth and dirt though breeeds germs and just YUK
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