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Saturday, August 9th, 2003
6:10 am - It's Been Awhile....and things seem to have changed.
I try so hard to maintain a balance of life. I am so stressed usually there
is just so much going on. My one concern is my relationship with him and
how it seems to be dwindling off. He thinks I have no time for him and that
Im distant, but I see him in the same light. I love him deeply and cannot say
it enough but sometimes it doesnt seem enuff anymore.

Our convos get smaller and smaller. We barely speak on the phone now.
I miss him, his voice. I miss the all night chats we would have. I miss
his laugh. I miss him so badly it hurts. I guess I do become distant sometimes
and I try so hard to let him in. But I wonder if sometimes it is me or whether
he just doesn't love me anymore. I am trying to find ways of getting this set
back as we were but it feels like he doesnt wanna try. Maybe it is me, or maybe
I am not good enuff.

Every day I wish I was with him. Every day I miss hearing him call me sweetheart or sunshine. I am frightened I am losing him. I actually laid in bed and sobbed tonight
for hours. Trying to see where I am going wrong and how the one I adore and love
most in this world cannot see I am trying so hard to save us. I am trying to be patient
but it seems like I cannot live without him. I want to touch and hold him. Make him
smile with a kiss and be there when things are down. I would marry him today if
I could. Have a family with him. Be with him forever. He is so busy with
work and stuff, I try to call and he isn't home. I think he doesnt believe I make an
effort. I wish he could see me, see this entry, see my heart, and know he is the only one for me.

" cuz I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you, into my heart and pray for strength to stand today
Cuz I love you, whether its wrong or right, tho I cant be with you tonight...
Know my heart is by your side"
Daniel Beddingfield

current mood: depressed
current music: Daniel Beddingfield~ If You're Not The One

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Monday, July 7th, 2003
11:13 pm - Thoughts of a Saddened Angel
Life is moving way too fast, and I cannot always figure out how to deal with it all. It seems like the past month has been a severe rollercoaster ride ranging from all ends of the extremes. My mom is finally doing better. After her surgery on June 2nd to remove her remaining breast and both ovaries, the weeks that have followed have been both happy and extreme worry. She went from fine to sick and released to rushed to the ER. Things seemed so bleek. I was so afraid I was going to lose her. People wondered how to help me but I shut them out hard. I hated life and God and everything around me and just wanted to go away with my child and hide from everyone. She would ask me if my mom was going to die and I couldnt even bear to answer anything but no Lauren and youre safe. Tears became a nightly effect and even those who loved me, could not console me.

Mom is doing well now and she and my dad are leaving wednesday. This is what is now tearing at my heart. They are taking my daughter to Florida for a week. I dont know what I will do. She is my life. I am gonna miss her so much. Thne next few nights will be the hardest. She will be miles away from me for a long period of time for the first time since she was born. What am I gonna do without her smile? I keep saying Im happy and I need a break but my god....I love her so much. Even when she stresses me out she smiles and melts me. I feel incompetant as a mother. I love her and I am in tears even thinking that in another 24 hours I will be saying goodbye to my baby for a week. I wonder if she knows how much I love her and how much she means to me. I am happy she has a chance to go but I cannot get over how upset I already am. What can I do? She is excited to go....Will she miss me? I know she will but that is my baby. I will be alone. Recently my love and I are distant. I feel like the world is caving in on me. I feel like I am losing so much lately. I dont know where to go. I love him. Im just an emotional mess. I think I will stop now before I cant stop crying again.


current mood: sad
current music: Mandy Moore- Only Hope

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Sunday, June 22nd, 2003
11:56 pm - And so on...
It has been another rainy day here in Massachusetts. We have had no summer yet but they claim this week will show some summery days. Highly unlikely. Just in case, I had my air conditioners put in. you can never be too sure with New England weather so I am prepared now. Kinda like my man's army guys on his AIM icon.

Thats me with my air conditioners.

SO....I went and saw mom today. She looked rather pale and of course never admitted to being in pain. Nothing new there. My dad came home and cooked and made me eat. My jaw is killing me though but anyhow. So yeah I also got to see my auntie today. She was laid off :( not a good thing. This job economy is harsh lately. I am just glad my job is easy enuff so we dont have lay offs. Well, the school does but recess moniters are always needed. Im looking forward to substitute teaching this upcoming year.

Lately I long to be with him. More and more and more. To feel his touch and kisses. I want that so much. Things have seemed distant lately and yeah I do worry sometimes. I havent ever felt love like this before though. He makes me feel whole. I love his voice. Sometimes it makes me tingle. There is nothing that I dont love about him honestly. He is everything to me.

Adieu for now....gotta call him.

current mood: energetic
current music: It's Not Right (Mcnastee Remix)

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Tuesday, June 17th, 2003
9:07 am - lalala
Lately I seem to fail at most all I do. I tried calling him last night and then waited online till about 10 PM for him. Then I went and watched a movie and came back and still no him. I tried to call again and the damn calling card company was having tech problems again. I miss him and I wanna be with him. Things have been so crazy since my mom's surgery. I love him so much but I always seem to fuck up.

I feel helpless and almost lonely being without him and knowing he misses me. I am so worried he wont stand by me. But I never knew that things would get so crazy in my life. Now that work is almost over, things will be much much better. I swear that if he is with mewhen this is over, he is a saint. I know I tend to be difficult, but I love that man with all my heart and soul. He is my world and I wanna marry him.

I hafta run for work and will be back in awhil to write more. HES ON THE PHONE!!!! I love him.

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Sunday, May 4th, 2003
1:11 pm - It's stuck in my head...
I have this older song stuck in my head. Queensryche~Another Lonely Night. I love that song so it's not a bad thing.
It's been a long few days. Alot going on in the world and my direct world around me. I guess that's the way
of the music world. Politics and drama. Heh. I can't wait to get this stuff offline honestly because the jealousy
is overwhelming at times. I need to update this journal more and at least daily so that I can keep people posted on
things. My words vocally seem to be lost alot. Kinda like writer's block without the writing. Does that even make sense?
LOL scary thing is it does to me. I have realized that with my hand hurt, it is hard to type and get dressed. It hurts alot
actually. Maybe more than I care to admit.

I think I could sleep for 4-5 hours right now and still not be rested. I never ever truely feel rested. It kinda sucks
at times because I am constantly run down and feel like I could just fall asleep right then and there. I think that
is a big problem with my moods sometimes too because I tend to be more relaxed when Im awake and had some
sleep. But I went out with my auntie for awhile to vent my frustrations and bitch about my hand hurting and talk
about life and the world. We talked about my Uncle David for awhile and about my love. Ahhhh he is the world to me.
Yes I know I am always talking about him but I just cannot help it. He makes me feel alive and so adored. I have
never met a more compassionate man. He seriously cares about every thought I have no matter how tedious. It's
like a breath of fresh air for me. My soul mate and my best friend. I couldn't ask for more in a man or companion.
We make an amazing team. He is so patient and kind. He is just ........amazing.

I think sometimes about what it will be like to make love to him. To hold and caress him. To be with him in all
ways possible that a man and woman can be. To share life and love with him eternally. I dream of what our children
will look like. I dream of his scent as he lays beside me as we are about to sleep, after he showers and is all fresh
and knowing when I awake his eyes will be the first I see as I get up and face another day. I am hoplessly
in love with him, and I don't fear the fall. He caught me.

Until later,

current mood: contemplative
current music: Ja Rule Ft. Bobby Brown ~ Thug Lovin'

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Tuesday, April 29th, 2003
2:32 pm - Where have I been?
It's certainly been awhile. I think I just kinda took a small break and stuff. I just got home about an hour ago from work. Yes I got a job...recess moniter to be exact. My love and I had some tension last night because I was freaking out. I guess I am just not satisfied with life right now but today is alot better. I cried when I realized I had upset him and he told me he felt powerless. I never meant to make him feel that way. I just needed someone to talk to. I was tired and in some pain and I just was blah. I got a beautiful email from him this morning before work and it really made me realize he is the one true love of my life. Through all my faults, he never once wavers in his feelings for me and it makes me feel so secure and loved. I never have had that before in my life.

Work today was ok. A bit better and less overwhelming. Saddly, I have to miss the next few days as Lauren has no school. But eh what can I do?

I miss him right now. He is forever on my mind. I wanted to tell him how much I am thinking of trying to arrange a trip to see him. I want to be with him. But I dont wanna rush anything and make him uncomfortable. I want to feel his lips on mine. I want to let him pull me closer as we watch a movie together and snuggle closely on a couch or bed. I want to show him passion and experience love like I never have before. I would do anything for him and give him anything I could just to stay close to him. I want to be the one he comes home to and who holds him into the night as we sleep. I wish I could convey my love for him but for some reason I think he does know.

Im gonna go car searching now....baby when you read this....
I love you so deeply.


current mood: tired
current music: KGP~Goddamn!

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Monday, April 21st, 2003
4:47 pm - ..my baby you..
It's been a few days since I have posted anything. My parents left on a cruise Sunday morning so I spent easter with Lauren's godmother and her family. We had fun but it was alot of walking and Im paying for it now. Ive been hurting for almost a week so Im trying to take it easy seeing I was suppose to be on bedrest. Yah right with a 5 year old who is going on 30. She is way too smart.

I missed him yesterday. I wanted to spend the day with him. I wish I was closer to him. Every day I want it more and more. Sometimes the feelings I have for him are overwhelming but so so wonderful. I love the way he makes me feel. So alive, and so beautiful.

I got home yesterday around 10 of 5 and laid down to watch tv. I ended up falling asleep and waking up around 10 of 1 AM. I called him as soon as I woke up and we talked for a bit. I guess we were both tired and we hung up kinda early. I fell back to sleep and was awake in time to call him for 5 minutes this morning. I got to talk to him for awhile before he went to class. He cares so much about me. Making sure I rest and eat. I love him so much.

We talked about weddings today. Not ours, but weddings in general. LOL I wish we were talking about ours but yeah it's kinda early for that. Im just so deeply in love. He makes my heart race.

Thats all for now I suppose....Ill update more later.

current mood: bouncy

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Thursday, April 17th, 2003
10:12 am - Another day in Paradise?
It is freezing out today. Yesterday it's 80* and sunny, today its 29* and sunny. I am so tired of the cold and pray spring gets here soon and heats this state up. I am exhausted again as day 3 of pain begins. Im trying not to think of it and trying to keep my mind busy. This morning I am resting my body and just chillin. I have a bit of minimal housework to do but I decided to rest a bit. I have read up on the morning news and seen that they caught Saddam's half brother. Big deal, I wanna know where the man himself is, not how they nabbed his father's cousin's dog. I swear these reports get more tedious. I support our tropps fully. They are doing an amazing job. But I do not support Bush and this war. It seems there are underlying reasonings for this war, and now we are investigating Syria. Will we ever wake up?

Last night my baby told me I interest him. He said I am colorful. He also said he was proud of me which is something that made me so very happy to hear. We discussed some serious issues within the world and some of my beliefs. I showed him a bit more of my views and how I think and feel about some things. I feel sometimes like I struggle to say how I think about things. They seem so simple to me but I never convey myself right. He is patient and so willing to keep an open mind with me no matter what his own beliefs are. Today I awoke after a horrible dream, thinking about the dream convo we had last night. I left him speechless with some of my thoughts and I found it amazing that for once in my life I am truely heard. My opinions, thoughts, and feelings matter to someone who is so close to me.

So much on my mind......I wish I could clear my thoughts
I love you baby :)

current mood: contemplative
current music: Mcnastee~ Slacker

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1:13 am - Quiz Results
You see the world in Black
SOAKS IN BLOOD. Well, you're angry at the
world. For reasons who knows, but you
definately hate life.

What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla
Black: PEOPLE SUCK THE WORLD SUCKS EVERYBODY SHOULD BE KILLED AND BLEED TO DEATH TILL THE COLD EARTH SOAKS IN BLOOD. Well, you're angry at the world. For reasons who knows, but you definately hate life.

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1:07 am - Sideways Thinking
It's been a long few days and I swear I will be glad when I get a vacation. I am exhausted and in some major pain but Im alive and trudgin on. My love is calmly waitin for me so I will make this fast.

I am concerned over this SARS thing for many reasons. Most of which I cannot post here. To even begin to explain this all would be nearly impossible as well as emotionally draining. That is one thing I do not need right now. To be any more drained. My ultrasound came up undecided so they are considering a CAT Scan. I feel fine except for the damn butchering they did Tuesday at the gyno's. Christ this hurts.

My baby and I are still goin strong. Every day we get a bit closer and I remain a bit calmer. I love him more than the moon and stars. He has been so good to me and is always there when I need him most. I love his laugh, its intoxicating. Even when he playfully picks on me my heart just races with raw love for him. I hope we remain together forever, I can see myself celebrating out 50th wedding anniversary with him and being just as happy as we are today. All I miss now is his arms around me, cuz when the day comes that we are face to face, I wont ever wanna leave him physically again.

I love you Baby......

current mood: peaceful
current music: McNastee~Slacker

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Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
12:18 am
Ive been tryin to call him for almost an hour.,...I hope he isnt mad at me. Im scared. I miss him so so so so so much. UGH this is driving me insane. I love you baby please dont leave me :(

current mood: scared

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Monday, April 14th, 2003
11:02 am - yay!
Monday.....ugh lol.
Another week is here filled with promise and its starting off really nice out. Its suppose to be 70's tomorrow. I love the spring!

I talked with my love this morning and the day started off on an amazing note. I adore him so much and cherish every moment we spend together. It's honestly becoming so good. Every day brings another laugh and a deeper feeling. Every moment gives me another brighter smile. My whole outlook on things has changed and turned around my way of thinking. He is an amazing man and so intelligent and sweet. I love when he is playful with me and says things to make me laugh. I love when he becomes open and lets his heart speak. I am mystified by who he is and how he thinks and feels. I seem to hang onto every word.

Mmmm iced coffee :P
Baby if youre reading this...I love you and miss you.

current mood: restless
current music: Enigma~Sadness

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Sunday, April 13th, 2003
7:15 pm - Return from The Lion's Den
I just got home from the Lion's Den....aka my family's party. It was actually halfway decent. Nothing major and things were pretty relaxed. I got to hold a 2 month old baby, and it made me long for the time when my own lil one was that small. I hope that the doctors don't tell me tuesday that I cannot have any more children. But anyhow, I guess I worry too much. He smelled like baby powder and his eyes were magnificant. Lauren did an easter egg hunt and had alot of fun. She played outside and rode a two wheel bike for the first time. It won't be long before she is riding alone without help. She is 6 in May, man where did time go?

I am in an amazing mood today. I slept better last night than I have in ages. He just relaxes me so so so much. Our convo was kinda short compared to other nights but we laughed. I laughed harder than I have in a long time. He is such an amazing man. When I hear him tell me he loves me, I want to cry I feel so amazingly beautiful and cared for. He makes me smile and always makes sure I am happy and content. I hope he will be on soon. I miss him so much. I called him before I left this morning and we talked for about an hour. As always, it made my day that much better. I cant wait to see him online. I miss him!


current mood: artistic

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12:26 am - ' I think Ive found my way home'
I cant believe I said it....
Holy gods I swear I am insanely devoted to this man. Others cease to exist. The day was amazing. He woke me from a nap and we talked for hours about everything and nothing. His voice is so very soothing and such a sweet song within my ear. I found myself today, longing to be with him physically. To see his playful smile and touch him, hold him close. For now I am content with knowing he is there for me.

HE SAID HE LOVED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Words cannot express the immense feeling of ......I cant describe it.
I said it first, it just came out. I didnt realize even close as to what I said
until I heard his response. It moved me to tears and made me see how deeply
I do feel for him. He said I should say it more often. I have found my soul mate.
I cannot get enuff of him. I cannot sleep without thinking of him.


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Saturday, April 12th, 2003
1:45 pm - Peaceful Realizations
Its a new day. Last night was yet another amazing conversation with him. He spoils me with his attention. I love the way he seems to understand me even when I make no sense. We talk about everything under the sun. It's relaxed and familiar and a breath of fresh air to finally have found a nice guy who isnt fake.

Umass Lowell turned me down for admissions. I guess things happen for a reason so Im just gonna go about my plans and push on to survive and make the best of my life. With him in my life now, I see I can in fact accomplish anything I set my mind to. Its an amazing realization. I am so entranced by him that he can leave me breathless with just the sound of his voice. Like watching an orchid bloom for the first time and seeing how pure and rawly beautiful it is. We have something here that many people never take the time to enjoy. I fully intend to enjoy and cherish every moment with him, forever. I couldnt live without him now if I tried.

Avete for now.

current mood: hyper
current music: Eminem~ Lose Yourself

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Friday, April 11th, 2003
11:58 pm
It's been an amazing day....I spent time with my sweety for awhile and will be talking to him soon. We just played scrabble on yahoo and I won again, he is such a cutie. My mind is racing with him and my heart is so totally entwined with his. Yups he is what I have always desired in a husband.

I learned about circles tonight. Yes, you saw that right. Circles. Round objects like rings and stuff. He is so very intelligent. Did I mention he is a sexy ass janitor?

Avete and Blessings...

current mood: happy

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12:53 pm - Passion Electrified
So many words and never enuff space and time. When I was little I always dreame dof being a butterfly. They were so free and so beautiful. I watched them as I would dream that it was me. Maybe even a star within the sky. Stars are reassuring that life does live on. They guide and protect the night sky with a magickal twinkle and sincere innocence. I do adore the night sky. The love it holds, the secrets, the wishes and dreams of everyone. It secures me in an abstract sense.

My wings are new now and a beautiful black violet and silver color because of him. I hold in my heart and soul a new love for life and new will to survive. Im learning so much of him and seeing inside something that is more beautiful than a raw untainted emerald. Something more amazing than a flawless rose. A newfound passion for living and loving. He really is the epitome of love, in the flesh. I feel like for things make sense now and that we are destined to a life of our dreams. I want to share myself with him, body mind and soul. But not impure or lewd. Just so fresh and intense. Every day I crave him more and more and long to hear his voice over my telephone. Each day I just feel even deeper than before and appreciate who he is and what he has done for me. I want so much to be his best friend, his lover, his completion. I want to show him my world and see his. See how he looks at even just a tiny pebble. He once mentioned he thinks he bores people. I hang onto every word. I am fascinated by his thoughts and intelligence. I sit here typing my bare soul in hopes he sees how I cherish him. How I want to see him the happiest ever. I want to love him like he never thought possible. And I do. It's just so electric....so....true.

Things are meant to be in ways I never fully expected. I always dreamed I would find my soul mate and gave up. I went thru so much and was taken advantage of. I couldnt ever harm him or take him for granted...he is too special. I find each day is a bit brighter. Each word he breathes helps me grow a bit stronger. Each laugh we share takes us a bit higher. I never wanna come back done. I have truely found my home.

' my love for u...insatiable'

Avete and Blessings.....

current mood: energetic
current music: Darren Hayes~ Insatiable

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Thursday, April 10th, 2003
4:31 pm - Solidified
Its a new day. Thank heavens this week is almost over. Thursday has arrived bringing a promise of a new life in a sense. The weather is cool and sunny, getting warmer still. I spent last night sick. My stomach decided to flake on me. I have no idea why yet. I am about to call my doctor to have my stomach looked at. I think I may have an ulcer.
Im anxious for this damn war to end and for the troops to be back home. I am tired of hearing about it and saddened by the loss of life there, though I must say it has been minimal. My lovey is on and seems to be kinda quiet, but at least I get to spend some time with him while I have a chance. Im hoping for a phone call later because I miss his voice.

Today was a resting day and nothing was done. I baked some banana bread and cleaned a bit. I thought of him as always and how much he means to me. Thought about where things are going and how content I am now. I don't feel so chained into myself. I feel free and ready to move forward with him by my side. I long to feel his arms around me, and his lips upon mine. To hear his heartbeat as I snuggle against his chest. Wow, Im in deep and I love it....and him.

Until later...

current mood: tired
current music: Default~Deny

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Wednesday, April 9th, 2003
5:30 pm - Small Poem
tell me how you feel
within me I feel the change
the smoke cleared so long ago
but these feelings are still so strange

whisper my name in the darkness
my heart longs for the feel of your touch
am I in too deep? am I moving too fast?
it seems only right to feel so much

simple words of tender care
does your heart beat and yurn just for me?
is there a prayer I can plea to the gods
to make your soul feel and see?

embraced now in adoration I seem content
completion of the sculpture torn apart
within the world Ive lived so alone, so weak
it was you who has stolen my heart

current mood: content

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12:14 pm - The Rantings of a Lunchwoman
He picked on me! All night he picked on me cuz of this whole job bs. It was so so so funny. He had me laughing so hard that I had hiccups when we hung up. There was an odd kinda silence last night before the call ended. Like something would have been said but neither of us could vocalize. What an amazing ending to a shitty day. But he made me feel so secure and so wanted. He makes me feel like there is still good in the world. That life truely is a blessing. He isnt around right now, but he is definitely on my mind and being missed alot. I miss his voice and his laugh. It makes me wish I could touch him, smell him. Things are so complete now.Things are just right. If he only knew what he did to me....to my soul....to my heart.

Today shall be a slow day. The weather is crappy and cold. I just made some calls about jobs, all unfounded and lead to nothing I could do. It's kinda odd that I am a very intelligent woman yet cannot find a job. That sucks, truely it does. But yes something will come along. I need to think positive. I am doing a nail party next friday. Probably make about $100. Should be kinda fun. We shall see. Anyhow I am off to roam the web and see if he comes on. I miss him so very much :(

current mood: loved

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