Brian Lee

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24th September 2003

10:16pm: Why do i write?
I really don't think my life is worth documenting anymore. Nobody even reads this anyways, just me. I guess that's ok, because that's what real journals/diaries are for.

Here's a test:

I hate my life because every time something good happens, life pulls a u-turn and something falls apart. Those who know me know exactly what i'm talking about. This has made me more angry instead of sad like in the past, because it means so much more this time around. Everything that I'm afraid of is coming true, and because of my stupidity it's MY fault that I screwed things up.

I want to start over, I think i'm gonna move away and not tell anyone. I prefer to fade away from their existence and do them a favor. I don't know how it's a favor, but I just want to hide forever. I'm so ashamed of everything I've done recently. EVERYTHING.

Before when I was..weirder, I would've said "WAA i want to kill myself". i almost do, no i do. I want to destroy myself and start anew. It can't be that bad moving to like...sacramento...or someplace else.

14th September 2003

1:29am: Bad Day
well, here's the good:

1. I got to talk to Keely today, a very good friend of mine that I haven't talked to in ages. She's one of the most important friends I have. She helps me out all the time, and is such a good listener. I always feel bad because I talk about so much stuff with her. I never know what's going on in her life. I feel like such an ass because of it. Sigh, next time.
2. Hang-out Time with nate and nick. fun...wait..no too bad they're competiveness in video games piss me off.
3. MY CAT

bad:
1. I talk about well, girls, with keely. And then to me. And the hard, painful truth is that there's many things wrong in what i do that keely noticed. It made me angry that she was right, i wish i was thankful for her trying to help. But instead i was stubborn and refused to believe her. I hope that I don't make that mistake again.
2. I got in some little trouble with Atoosa's mom for calling her too much. ARGH, it's bad enough that her parents like....hate boys...now they have a reason to hate me. I'm probably never gonna be able to hang out with atoosa.

SHIT!

12th September 2003

9:09am: I'm losing this
Lately, I went on a field trip with leadership. It was a retreat to UC Berkeley and we also had a leadership seminar from Bill Ames (the Ames Seminars guy). We learned about the qualites that make good leaders and all around competent people. I guess it touched some people, I don;t know if anyone really took it seriously. We had exercises on our goals and skills. We also had some icebreaking by getting to know random people. It was a strange day. The rest of the day we had lunch and discussed with our classes over the homecoming themes.

Next morning, we presented what our homecoming theme ideas would be. Then we discussed how we were going to present it. I don't care, I already know that a certain percentage will like the theme and a certain percentage won't, regardless of what it is. There's positive people and negative people. Their goals is to win all the people's attention with homecoming and the rally, i say just concentrate on those people that give a damn for some reason.

I bought a new TV and DVD player. Samsung 27" Flat-Screen TV and a Samsung DVD player. no coincedince, i bought two samsungs on purpose. I know have a Samsung TV, DVD Player, computer memory, and cell phone.

I need a date for homecoming.
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: The Bee Gees - How Deep is Your Love

6th September 2003

8:33am: Groundhog Day
Every day's the same. School, same conversations, it's getting tiring.

When is my life going to change? I'm freaking re-living last year. It just has different classes.

Yea, I live on my own now, but it only hits me at night. My mom was always working so I never saw her come home till around 10pm. So even though she's gone, it doesn't seem that much different.

All the same friends I'm hanging out with. Doing the same shit.

No girlfriend, which would probably be one big change.

Or I guess another big change would be like....me losing a leg.

I want change.
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Mos Def, Pharoh Monch, & Nate Dogg - Oh No

30th August 2003

9:25am: $$$$
My checks and check card finally came to me. It's absolutely unbearable! I'm resisting so hard to not buy stupid things like a TV. I have to wait on the computer though. Like, until I get a better job. Bills are coming again, and I'm gonna need funds in that checking account. Especially over $100 so I don't get overwithdrawn.

It's strange though. I'm only 17 and now I have to take on adult tasks. I pay bills, I work for my money, I cook for myself (barely), I'll eventually pay taxes, I'm responsible for every action that I do. There's no one to ask for help now. My mom's 70 miles away, and my dad's passed away.

It's me against the world.

Yesterday was an interesting day. Class was..well, class. I also got to try French Horn for the first time. In band, we are short of french horns and baritone horns (or completely lacking). So Brian Strachan, Jay Warner, and I volunteered to play. They seem to be in good shape, but I'm scared. Music is something that I love to do. And it hurts when I can't play well. I consider myself a good trumpet player. However, I seem to not be good enough, even after 9 years of playing. The new sophmores are just too damn good. I can't beat them. French Horn...sigh...I can't even seem to make music out of that thing. I need help!
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Tupac - Thugz Mansion

27th August 2003

9:26pm: MRGH
school's been such a change. EVERYTHING is different. and it's depressing to me. I honeslty am missing friends. It's disconcerting not having the people i got so close to last year in classes with me.

:(

22nd August 2003

8:41am: I'm hungry as fuck
The past few days, I've been getting up between 6-8-o'clock. It's lonely. My cat's a bastard, so he doesn't do it for me. And all my friends are asleep or not online. Sheesh.

It's cold too.

Well the past few days haven't been anything special. I got my Dons' Days shit taken care of, and closed my dad's remaining bank accounts. I also got a checking account (free!) so that I could use the money, since everyone wanted me to handle it. Wow, do I really seem that responsible to them? I don't think I should be trusted with $800...oh yea that's right. I already talked to them about a new computer, and it's a go. I just have to earn that money back.

No one seems to understand why I want a new computer. I need to catch up with today's technology. I also need a working USB connection and more hard drive space because i'll be storing movies (leadership & school) on my computer. I also need to edit these movies, so this is all I can't do with my current computer.

Then there's the B.S. I didn't tell anyone about. I want to play games, download movies, and just have a computer i can boast in. Even though it's not top of the line, it's still pretty good.

Here:
Cases (Computer Cases, ATX Form):
ENERMAX CS-5018SNFS-B (BLACK/SILVER) ATX 10-BAY MID-TOWER CASE w/ POWERUP 350W P-4 POWER SUPPLY - RETAIL.
$42.00

CD/DVD Burners (RW Drives):
Lite On 52x32x52x Beige Color CDRW Drive LTR-52327S - Retail
$42.99

CD/DVD ROM Drives:
LITE-ON XJ-HD166/XJ-HD 165H 16X DVD ROM Drive BLACK- OEM
$34.99
Floppy Drives:
MITSUMI D359M3 FDD 1.44MB 3.5INCH - OEM
$6.50

Hard Drives:
Seagate Barracuda 80GB 7200RPM ST380011A Hard Drive OEM
$75.00

Memory (System Memory):
Kingson 512mb (2x256mb) DDR400 PC3200, Model KVR400X64C3AK2/512
$101.00

Motherboards - Intel :
ASUS Motherboard for Intel Pentium 4 / Celeron Processors, 800Mhz FSB Model# P4P800 Deluxe Retail
$135.99

Processors:
Intel Pentium 4 / 2.4CGHz 512k socket 478 Hyper Threading Technology 800 MHz FSB - RETAIL
$170.00

Video Cards:
Sapphire Atlantis ATI RADEON 9600 PRO 128MB 8X AGP DVI/TV LITE BOX
$153.00

Subtotal » $761.47
Shipping & Handling » $25.00
Grand Total » $ 786.47

not the best machine, but i think it's among the top for under $1000. see, anyone can have a great system like this, if they go custom. to hell with Dell and Gateway. They use terrible parts.


My new checking account can take care of that. Now I just need a job to help me get some money back. I turned in an application to Hollywood Video last night because I heard Brad Cassani was going to quit from Schilla. I also here Safeway and Starbucks is hiring again, so I'm gonna apply there too. If I get $7/hr, i should be fine. more would be better, of course.

Besides daydreaming about computers (of all things, who needs a life? * raises hand *), I don't know what I'm doing today. I might go to school and hang out with Jayne (athletic trainer, teacher, good friend) for a while. But that's not until 4:00.
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Irene Cara - What a Feeling

20th August 2003

11:16pm: MRGH
I don't care about this thing anymore.

17th August 2003

2:10am: Piece of shit
I fixed it by completely wiping out the directory, reinstalling it piece by piece, and waiting about 15min for my 6GB of mp3s to transfer back to the directory...THEN it started working


piece of shit
1:41am: I'M PISSED!
I'm so frustrated right now. For god knows what fucking reason, my winamp crashes everytime I try to access my folder full of mp3s. However, I run a different winamp from a different directory (i have two, one for me and one for my sister because of our winamp skins), everything is fine.

This is fucking ridiculous. Every other folder under my winamp directory is fine, I can swap between them..however I try to access ONE! IT FREEZES!!!!!!!

I'm going to shit on it! I swear to god, this is the stupidest bug in the world. I've deleted files, I've rebooted, checked for viruses...WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!
Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: FUCK YOU!

16th August 2003

9:43am: Yesterday...
...all my troubles seemed so far away. But seriously, yesterday was the most worry-free day in the world. I just hung out with Nick, Nate, and Elise the entire time. First we hit golf balls at Nick's, then chilled on his tramampoline. However, the night was still young, so we went back to my place and watched a movie that we rented. (I also picked up Nunn) We watched Final Destination 2, which is a ridiculous movie, but also entertaining. Maybe I'm just a sick person, but some parts I laughed my ass off, Marshall too.

What made the day extremely marvelous was Elise. When I found out that she also knew about the movie Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland...everything just went blank. I thought I was the only one in this area that knew about that movie...or at least liked it. It made me so happy. I think we should make a club.

Anyways, now i have a day full of laundry, some cleaning, and sorting through my dad's stuff (what to donate to goodwill, what not).
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: DMX - Party Up

14th August 2003

10:06pm: Biggest mistake day, but also successful
Today is the day that i got my DSL back. I celebrated by having lots of mp3s again.

However, the day made me angry because i kept making small mistakes excessively. Like typos, and I also seem to have lost my ability to play trumpet. When I lose that, I feel like I'm in a world of shit.

Good: I also decided to sign up for t-zones....or have downloading things on my cell phone
Bad: it costs $3.99...AND...costs $.99 for everything. Bad idea. i'm screwed

Bad: I also found a lot of letters and bills of ours and my dad's that I forgot. Apparently, the IRS is now going to be angry with us, along with our car insurance providers

I screwed up big time.
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: Spinners - Could it be

12th August 2003

5:33pm: I hate the auto industry
I spent around $230 total for my car in the past few days. Oil change, tire rotation, new battery, new air filter, and brake maintenence.

i'm pissed.
1:51am: Watch American History X. In my opinion, it's one of the best movies ever. I hope I made schilla a believer now

11th August 2003

9:17pm: What a day
I had work one more time, even though my last day was saturday. Easy way to make $21, was able to get a haircut with it. I also went to get my oil changed with schilla in walnut creek. For $30, i had an inspection, tire rotation, and an oil change. Too bad that the inspection showed $105.86 worth of maintenence to do on my car. Also, the rotation messed up the alignment and now i have to get my wheels aligned. Tomorrow, I plan on getting this done, hopefully I actually will wake up around 8am. I need to start waking up early so I won't be late for school. Shit, i might have to wake up around 6am or 5:30am because of leadership.

Besides the car stuff, I hung out with Schilla. We chilled at his place and ate nectarines, canteloupe, Schilla pizzas, soft tacos, and candy. I also became informed of ruined plans that i had with mason today. Maybe some other day the plans wouldnt be so messed up. No movies or bowling. Oh well, i wonder if im responsible?
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Eddie Money - Take me home tonight

10th August 2003

12:00am: Work again
Work again. whoopdee doo!

atoosa called today, i called her back, but she was at a soccer tournament.

matt came late, asshole.

nick never came

nunn came for like 2 hours, but he also stole my old cell phone stuff.

i made $77
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: A-Ha - Take on me

8th August 2003

11:20pm: MER
I had work all day today, just like yesterday.

so nothing happened. only thing different was that we all (nate, me, and schilla) ate chinese food instead of burritos. actually schilla and i ate burritos, and nate and i had chinese.

fun fun, peace out
Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: Men Without Hats - Safety Dance
2:06am: Off to work I go pt. 2
I had work ALL MOTHERFUCKIN DAY again, then tomorrow, and then saturday.

today was a real task though. i knew that the computers were down, but i didnt expect such a problem. For some reason, the program that we use for renting videos said "bad serial number - invalid ID - contact S.I.S." One, how did some idiot change the serial number. Two, how do i contact S.I.S., a company that might not even exist anymore. thank god that we (theoretically) back up every night. I restored the HD and found out that the system worked.

However, it didn't end there. Some movies I just couldn't check in because of an overflow error. It was caused by trying to check-in movies that were rented in the year 2094. If the computer is rebooted, the date from the CMOS battery gets fucked, because the system isn't 100% Y2K-compliant. So someday i have to load a day pretending it's 2094 and check those movies in. FRUSTRATING! because there's like 20 of them.

Work was made bearable by the company of my two friends, Schilla and Nate. We watched movies the whole time. Nothing special, maybe tomorrow will be different since I'm bringing Nick's GameCube that I'm holding hostage. Maybe we'll get more money (by having more people) so I don't have to worry about being paid. Wait a minute, I DO HAVE TO WORRY! Especially when the new movies this week (agent cody banks, what a girl wants, etc.) never came in from our distributor. I had to explain to at least 7 people why we didnt have the movies, in essence, we lost about $20 of what-could've-been sales.

That's what pisses me off about working at my old video store. The new people make so many mistakes. I don't mind a few printing errors, BUT THEY'RE RUINING THE REPUTATION OF A VIDEO STORE THAT HAS BEEN A PART OF MY LIFE FOR OVER 10 YEARS! Movies aren't being ordered, rent is not being paid, the quality of service is mistrusting because they make so many mistakes. I can't stand it. I want to quit. I know they said that this was probably the last week I would have to help. It's not a probably, I refuse to work after this weekend. Fuck them.

After work, I headed home and waited for my uncle to pick me up. We were to go to a (Buddhist) temple and pay homage to my late father. But he showed up and informed us that we don't really have to go to a temple, just "do it" (respect, bowing, praying?) at home while picturing the buddhist temple in korea and my dad's shrine. Easy enough, we do it, and will do every thursday for a while. Then we talked business with my uncle, what are we doing with my dad's stuff, what do we do?, etc.

With that done, I picked up nate and we went to Schilla's house. We chilled there for a while, and wendy's. same old, same old. And the same shit tomorrow probably too. This gets old for me. And my friends make me feel guilty about it too. I'm tired of not paying attention to my home life because I'm always out fucking around with my friends. I haven't gotten shit done, and I'm not prepared for school at all. I'm also not prepared for remodeling again, just always gone. All of next week, I'm busy taking care of my dad's things, I'd better not be pressured into doing anything with my friends. It's not like I'm being a bastard, they say i am, and i know they're kidding, but it still gets to me. I have shit i need to take care of, and I keep procrastinating. I'm so frustrated right now, with life. Sure, I have fun, but everyday a new problem or an existing one keeps popping up. I want to run away.
Current Mood: annoyed

7th August 2003

2:14am: Always on the wrong day, always too lazy to change the date and time
So today's events will be on wednesday the 6th., but also a little about tuesday the 5th.

fuck it, nothing happened and i'm too lazy to try to remember, peace out.

5th August 2003

1:16am: this shit for real?
so i hear from schilla at 1:16am, that there was some fight involving koreans at lafayette school.

i got some info from this xanga (read 8/4 Beatdown). http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=hamydeez

I just need to know if this shit is for real. And fuck that, you wanna talk shit about koreans? I'm a motherfuckin korean, you dont generalize and talk shit about my race. That means you talk shit about me and my family. You don't go there.

Here's an invitation, you tell all you're friends and you tell all you're families.

FUCK YOU! Bring it, you got a problem with some assfuck guys (that happened to be korean) fine, but you don't bring me into it. You ever think that you can just freely talk shit about me, place me in some stereotypical catagorey and/or assume i'm a threat, and attempt to physically harm me or think about it. I will fuck you up. I have no part in this altercation that happened on the 4th. I am asian, I'm korean, but I'm not them. The problem is with them, you don't do anything to me.
1:05am: jf;klasjfkowunmvkdfals;jfks
Last night, I went to Schilla's house around 1am with nunn to eat burgers and watched T2. We left at 4. I woke up today around 1pm. it was scary! I was late! I was supposed to run some errands (which I successfully pulled off). I deposited $600 I received from my fraternal family. I found some information on what to do with my dad's cell phone bill. Couldn't cancel it because of fees, and couldn't transfer my account to my mom's because it wasn't a t-mobile store and i didn't have her written consent. I also picked up a job application at Togos, but tomorrow I'm gonna call Century and find out about my application that I turned in.

Afterwards, I hung out with schilla, nate, and drusia. we drove around aimlessly for a long time. We went to Wal-Mart (i was gonna buy a DVD, but ended up not), then we looked fora place to eat. We ate at Mel's.

that was my day. sigh
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: NWA - Fuck the Police

3rd August 2003

8:20pm: I'm back malfuckas
Yea, I'm back. Now I have nothing to do. This week, we all have to take care of my dad's stuff. Such as, his posessions, accounts, etc. sigh, stupid 9 hour flight. Now I miss all my cousins in korea. I can't wait to go back next summer.
Current Mood: content
Current Music: Simple Minds - Dont You
8:08am: I'M SO BORED!
Someone help me, I do this everyday where I'm so bored that I just stare at the desktop, no games or nothing. What's there to do? What websites do I go to?
Current Mood: bored
Current Music: listening to cicadas..i think that's what they're called
7:43am: randomness
do you know that the dongdemoon plaza (shopping center) is like fuckin mutated time square. there's street vendors, food kiosks, live music. It's open from 10am-5am.

My cousins are the coolest people in the world. I want them all to come back with me, except whitetown is such a shithole what wouldthey do? tour san francisco? fuck that.

peace
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: sound of an air conditioner running
1:29am: Nigga's on crack times 4
speaking of which, the count is now 6. I've seen six black people, three mercedes, 5 bmws, 2 porches, and a corvette. Those are today's oddities.

Summary of trip that I forgot to cover:
So after the funeral, we all had lunch (a great vegetarians lunch, trust me, korean vegetarian diet is so much better than the "american" way. Anyways, my sister, aunt, uncle, and i went with my grandfather to visit the gravesite of my great-grandparents. We did the mandatory traditional ceramony thing that I really don't want to describe. Afterwards, we hung out at the temple and stayed overnight. the next morning, at 4am, we started the first post-death day ceramony thing for my father. Another agonizing hours of sitting and bowing, but i stayed with it for my dad. Then we drove up to Seoul and just rested. I also had a chance to visit my grandparents from my mother's side of the family. I had to explain to them many painful things. like how my dad died, why he died, why my parents split up, why he didnt live with us, etc. That's stuff that I hate talking about...which, if i remember to, I will talk about later. Other than that, I don't remember anythingelse happening. Today, my sister and I had to visit one of my grandfather's friends, and we all ate lunch with him. It was a good lunch, I guess. We also took digital photos so that we can be added to a family portrait that we weren't present for a few years ago. After that, we all (me, worthless, cousins, aunts and one of the two uncles) cleaned my grandparent's house. then after that, we ate pizza. Worthless and I wanted to go shopping so all the children went out and went shopping, the two guys going our own paths. I bought a bunch of t-shirts and so far a present for matt, i still odnt know whether i should get more for my friends, because it's hard. These are all presents that I can't guarantee that they'll enjoy. Or maybe I should get dumb presents like an "I LOVE KOREA" t-shirt or some of those "traditional culture icons." But the shopping got cut short, my sister and I had to visit another one of my grandpa's friend. that went by quickly, then we went shopping again. I bought another shirt and a cool lighter. now it's 1am and I;m at my cousin's place for some odd reason. I guess it'd be nice since it has AIR CONDITIONING!

I don't think I have anything to elaborate on, I'm sure you can all guess why I hate talking about that...so I won;t....actually I already said why. But all I can really say is that I'm having so much fun. I know I don't make it seem like I am, but I am. I love shopping with my cousins and hanging out with them. I also love being in such a foreign place. I can't wait to come back and hopefully know more korean so that I can actually talk to my cousins and the rest of the family.

Peace out, see you all on sunday.
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Hall & Oates - You Make My Dreams
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