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is it just me, or can you no longer see the beautiful boy to the left? [01 Dec 2004|10:17pm] [ mood | GAHH!fkdsorfjlkl ] [ music | soco ] He said he was going to call...Did he? No. Of course he didn't. He makes me so incredibly crazy. I don't know what to do. I want to be there for him if something's wrong..Blah..it's so frustrating and stressfull. Thank god for Ashley ♥. I love her. She's my lifesaver right now. Seriously. Boys in general are pissing me off. Like they say'll they'll do something (call) and they don't. Stupid, stupid males. I have a headache right now. He gave me a headache! Jerk! Brian's finally talking to me today. It took hours. He's the only boy I like right now. No, I didn't like him earlier..but now, it's all good. Today..what did I do today?...I did community service! Yipee. It actually wasn't all that bad. I worked with Anne, but we didn't really talk all that much. I miss her. Oh well. I need to move on, but it's so hard. I don't really want to; I just know that it's what I should do. I like him a lot. I was going to talk to him about everything tonight....but that didn't happen, so I'm basically right back where I started. Ashley..help. This is all that's on my mind, so I'm going to stop talking. Plus, I think I'm going to go take pain killers. I love Ashley. 2 cross your heart and hope to..

I love you, Ashley [30 Nov 2004|05:31pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | ♥ Brian ♥ ] Crap..I slept all day. Anne called me at about 4 this afternoon waking me up. But she wasn't mad or anything that I didn't show..I'm mad at myself though for sleeping so long. Hmm...so because I was completely dead to the world today, I have nothing to update except for a survey. I stole it from my precious Ashley♥ ( Read more... ) 2 cross your heart and hope to..

say something now. say something. something's missing [29 Nov 2004|02:38pm] [ mood | cold ] [ music | moneen..!they rock! ] Yesterday, I went snowboarding! It was so great..haha it's when I'm snowboarding that I think summer sucks. I think the snow and ice ruined my car or something. I tried to drive it and I only got halfway up the driveway before it..like fell to the side or something. It was freaky, like when I first tried to go into reverse..nothing happened. Then once I did get it moving, it decided that my destination was the middle of the driveway. It doesn't work!! What the crap?!? I have had nothing but trouble with that car. It doesn't like me. This is what I get for all the snow; too cold to drive. Wow, I hate it when I actually have something to say about a car that would take up that much space. Anne was irritating me earlier today. She got mad at me for not coming with her to her community service and help her..or make her more comfortable, since she doesn't know the people and I basically grew up around them. But if it weren't for me, she wouldn't even have this stupid "job." So, she can be mad, but I DID help her. Sleep just sounded a lot better than dragging my ass out of bed and helping her for an HOUR. I think she can manage on her own. I'll be there tomorrow anyways. Jay is really annoying me lately because he's getting mad at me for the stupidest reasons. Blah..and I'm lending him my own money because I guess he's broke..to the maximum. All the money I've been saving up to get out of this town is going to my brother because I want him to be able to go to school. If he uses it to buy beer, I'm kicking his ass. I find it odd that I'm the "richest" of the family, but the only one without a job...hmm. Ashley (not the one reading this) only talks to me to talk about Jay. Or, I guess I should say to complain about him. That gets kind of tired. Alright, my concluding statement will be this: My feet are cold. I love you all. 5 cross your heart and hope to..

Isn't she adorable? [28 Nov 2004|07:48pm] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | Garbage ] Wow, I really hope this works because it was being a bitch to me throughout the whole process. This is for Kerry!! ( Read more... ) 7 cross your heart and hope to..

goodbyes are said and roses thrown [27 Nov 2004|03:32pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | spill canvas--all hail the heartbreaker ] I woke up today and was like "why the hell is soo incredibly bright!??!" lol it was snowing!! And there's soo much snow right now.. like I don't know. A lot! Yeah, I believe I'm going to go snowboarding tomorrow. Boo..everyone is still out of town because of Thanksgiving. Oh, and my car broke down AGAIN yesterday. And there was nowhere to pull over, so for a little while, I was just completely destroying my tire/wheel. Then I had to spend like an hour in my car waiting for a tow truck..And it's like below freezing temperatures. I was so cold. Then I had to spend like two hours in a stupid auto body shop. And I couldn't do anything last night because my car was once again broken. I'm starting to hate that vehicle. But, it snowed, so that makes me happy[: ( Read more... ) p.s-katie, i ♥ you;-] 3 cross your heart and hope to..

turkey schmerkey... and people ask me why i'm not a family person [26 Nov 2004|12:13am] [ mood | weird ] [ music | spill canvas is love ] My day started off with a smile. Nikki texted me at like 10:30, waking me up. She's the busiest person I know, so it was nice that she took the time to text me. Yeah, I'm lame...shut up. Then my mom got all mad at me cause we were supposed to go to my grandparents house for Thanksgiving..and they live three hours away. So I got right out of bed and straight into the car and tried to sleep on the way there. Kinda hard when my mom kept yelling at me for making us late. Blah..she told me yesterday that we weren't going. Then when we got there, I walked right passed the grand parental-units and into the bathroom to shower. Hmm, guess they didn't like that, but I didn't like smelling like butt...so I win. So, I got out of the shower and then properly greeted them. That went well for all of about three minutes. Then they started lecturing me about how I'm not doing anything with my life. Um, hello, it's not like I'm 23 and just sit around playing video games. Then my mom cuts in saying how she's tried to motivate me or whatever..oh, mumsy, you don't even talk to me. I kind of feel sorry for her. She'd do/say anything to get her parents aproval (even if it's a complete lie), all the while losing mine. That sounds harsh, but I don't retract it. Then they were talking about how my brother and my cousin were making something of themselves and were going places. I was really feeling the love. I have no idea why, but my whole life, I was always the one who could "do better" you know. Never quite good enough. I was the bad one, a reason to give the family shame. My family is so uniform, and I'm nothing like them, and they resent that. So, after I had about enough of their loving sentiment, I went into the guestroom and started texting Brian. Thankfully, he was there, so we talked for a little bit. I tried talking to Booger, but I don't think he was having a much better day than me, so he wasn't in a talking mood. The whole time I was in the guestroom, I was listening to my grandpa yelling at the tv and my mom and grandma fighting in the kitchen. I slept through dinner, then my mom woke me up to go home. And the g-parents got mad at me saying that we shouldn't have even come if I wasn't going to spend time with them. I love holidays with the family. 6 cross your heart and hope to..

Just listen to the rhythm of my heart [22 Nov 2004|10:48pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Oasis ] Whoo! Look at this hot new layout that Katie hooked me up with! Ain't it nifty? Soo much better than the boring ol blurty one I had before. I love you, Katie ♥ I don't think I've updated this thing in a few days. What's been going on with me? Um..nothing really. I might end up moving up to Seattle in a few months..but I might not. Yeah, vague, I know. It's annoying. I would really like to know ahead of time if I'm going to be moving out of state, but that depends on Heather (my would-be roomie). Yesterday, I talked to Booger. Ha, it was funny. He wants me to buy him porn. I haven't seen him in a few weeks, so it's weird..I don't know. I miss the kid. And I want to spend as much time with him as I can, especially if I end up moving. Hmm..big family stuff going on as of late. But I don't want to share lol. Kerry, shh, you're the only one that knows;] Well, you know the most, which is not a lot lol. I just think..hmm it feels like my family is falling apart. [sigh] Brian is of the uber cool. I mean, he's nerdy..but he pulls it off. Haha. Whenever we talk, it's always about music. Or cereal. Or soda, cause we're cool like that. It's different because every guy friend that I've had, has wanted more than friendship from me. But I don't think Brian's that way. There's no sexual tension lol. At least not that I can sense. Okay, the point of this post was to thank Katie!! I love you, Katie--to the maximum. If ever you need anything, I'm your girl! Cause I owe you. ♥ 3 cross your heart and hope to..

No, heaven's not a place that you go when you die [16 Nov 2004|01:14am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | Senses Fail ] Wow, I had a pretty good weekend. I went down and visited my friend, Colin. I hadn't seen him in almost a year because he lives three and a half hours away. I went there on Thursday, and got back home Sunday night. I was real tired on Thursday, so we just lounged around his apartment catching up, then his friends came over and we were watching home movies of them cause they grew up together. It was fun. Then on Friday, Colin went to class while I slept in ha. Then we were going to go to this club because his band had a show. So, we got ready, and Jon calls me up. I guess he didn't know that I was out of town, and he sounded a little jealous that I was staying at a guys house. He wanted to talk to Colin, for some reason, but I told him that he was in the shower. Then Jon was asking me why I wasn't in the shower with him, and...couldn't get off the phone with him fast enough. So, we went to the club, and he went off to get ready so I was talking with the "locals" until his band started. They're really good. Lots of energy. I think I inflated their ego by showing interest in the band..I guess they're not used to it heh. After that, we went to a party..don't really remember how that went;) Saturday was a rinse repeat of Friday minus the Jon part. Sunday, Colin woke me up at like 7:30 and took me to breakfast, then we went all over town, just fucking around. We wanted to make the most of it since I was leaving in a few hours. Then we went back to his apartment, and I watched the band practice, ate food, said my goodbyes, and drove home. When I got home...I just really didn't miss home. My mom dropped this huge bomb on me like right when I walking in the door. It's big, I just don't feel like explaining it because that would take a lot of time and space. So, then I tried to call Jay..no answer. Then I texted Nikki..no answer. Then today, I talked to Jay for awhile. I was so good to hear his voice cause usually when we talk it's over the internet or something. And I guess Jon went up to Jay's on Friday to party, and he mentioned that I was out of town, saying with "some guy", expecting to get a big ol macho, brotherly reaction from Jay, but I think all Jay had to say about it was "...yeah, so?" Jon as a friend...that I can do. Jon as more? Yeah, no thank you. After I got off the phone with him, I called Anne. I like talking to her. We're real similar, so I don't have to explain a lot of things..she just gets it. I miss hanging out with her practically every minute. I do have more to say, but I'm falling asleep. Goodnight, lovlies. 6 cross your heart and hope to..

I am not; I swear! [07 Nov 2004|11:56am] [ mood | hungry ] [ music | fall out boy//pretty in punk ] Okay, so yesterday, at one of the offices, I wasn't allowed to look at the model home for some bullshit reason. So, I was left alone in the office, all by myself. And I was really bored and tired, and I just wanted the time to go by. I sat down at the little "kids center" and started coloring with the cheap crayons and acting retarded even though I was alone..heh I'm such a loser. Anyways, then this other lady that works there walks in and was just staring at me. I can only imagine what was going through her head when she sees a teenager rocking back and forth in a little kiddie chair, coloring, making no attempt to stay in the lines, and softly humming to herself. So, then I turned my head to look at her, and I completely deadpanned: "The spork made me do it." Ha, then I jumped up and walked passed her and went outside. She never said anything the whole time. I do think, though, that she was seriously concerned for my mental capasity. That day was sooo boring though. And that ^ was the highlight of it. I went up and saw Jay..sorta. He left about 20 minutes after I got there, so then I just hung with Brian and the rest of his roomies. It was fun, but I went there to see Jay..ah well. 3 cross your heart and hope to..

all this empty space that you create does nothing for my flawless sense of style [06 Nov 2004|06:52pm] [ mood | headache ] [ music | brand new--seventy times seven ] I just got home from looking at a bunch of apartments. Damn, there are some scary, overpriced shit in this area...Today was really stressful because mi madre and I do not get along, and we were stuck together all day. I don't like this process. So, today, I found out that my mom is going to be gone for four days next week.. Wednesday-Sunday morning. Hmm, I wonder what I will do all alone, with the house to myself...;) I feel like I'm growing up too fast. I don't want to move out at all because I have no money. But...my mom is sorta kicking me out. Officially, this time. I think I'm gonna go up and see Jay now. Hopefully he's less of an ass than he was last night. Later, loves. and hope to..

[04 Nov 2004|03:02pm] [ mood | stressed ] [ music | some movie ] Job hunting sucks ass enough as it is, try adding in apartment hunting as well. Hello to the stress. And on top of that, I have school that I've been putting off. I'm also helping my brother look for a job on top of looking for one myself. blah..goodbye. 8 cross your heart and hope to..

oh, how i'm falling for you [28 Oct 2004|11:37pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | BAYSIDE ] I've been talking to Brian a lot lately. He's my brother's best friend and roommate. It's so amazing because we have the same taste in music. He's the first person I've met who actually knows some of the bands I'm listening to and vice-versa. I don't know, I've known him for a really long time, but we never really talked..about stuff. But out of no where we're friends. We have a lot of other things in common as well, and I think we're going to become pretty good friends. Yay, another guy friend. My girl friends are really effin flaky. It bothers me so much. Like, they'll say that they want to make the plans pretty far in advance (which is like a week) so they know they haven't already made plans...then when the time comes, they tell me they're already busy. Boys are just easier to deal with I think. They're actually a lot more dependable than girls. At least in my experience. Me and Booger are talking. That never really stopped, but now it's talking, whereas before it was hooking up or him getting pissy because we weren't hooking up. He actually told me that he thought that the only reason I ever even talked to him was because of sex. That couldn't be further from the truth, and I think he's starting to see that. I think he's trying to show me as well that that's not all he wants from me either. It's reassuring. I just hope it lasts. I've been bordering on "in love" with him for about a year, but his fickle moods I think kept me from falling completely. I just wish this had started about a year ago. I don't want to finally get somewhere with him only a few months before everyone goes off to college. I'll take what I can get with that kid. So, on Sunday, I hung out with Nikki. It had been awhile since I had seen her, and it was sorta awkward at first. We went to the skatepark, and we were making idiots of ourselves. We can laugh at ourselves, so it's always great fun. I don't know..after that we were walking around the park, just talking. It was nice. I just wish she wasn't as busy as she is. I hardly get to see her anymore, and we click. I miss her a lot. I've known her for six years, and it just feels like things are fading away. eek, I don't like it. ugh, Jon...I don't think he can take a hint. I don't ever call him back, yet he still tries. It's annoying because he like has it in his head that we're "seeing eachother". wtf? I've only hung out with him three times...like three months ago. I told him I didn't like him that way, but..blah, I have boy drama. I'm not used to it. I'm going up to my brothers this weekend. It should be pretty fun. And I'll just crash there cause there's nothing here screaming for me to come home. And I'll probably crash with Brian, knowing my brother..don't want to think about that....I hope I don't fall for Brian. We have so much in common, I definitely see it as a possibility...I'm just crossing my fingers it doesn't happen. But, in the end, I think it all comes back to Booger. and hope to..

[20 Oct 2004|12:28pm] [ music | mae ] I've been feeling very nostalgic these last few days, and I usually have no problem with it, but for some reason, it's really bothering me. And there's absolutely nothing I can do to change it. It makes me feel so defeated. I've been listening to music nonstop (nothing new there), but now it feels like I'm hearing the words for the first time. They all remind me of someone; of Liz mostly. Or Booger. I guess I'm just not ready to accept the fact that Liz and I are no longer friends. It's probably because we didn't really even have a falling out. Last time we talked, we were still best friends. I had to hear from someone else that she hated me because she wouldn't talk to me herself. And I do know what made things change, but ...in a nutshell, it was a big misunderstanding without any resolution. It's not easy for me to throw away the best friendship I've had, and it really shouldn't be easy at all. But she made it look so god damned effortless, I start to question what kind of a friendship we actually did have. And that only takes me deeper into my thoughts. for you to leave and not say goodbye, you must not have thought anything of us And then there's Booger. I guess he's going through some shit, but still...doesn't have to take it out on me. He's so thick-skulled, I don't know how to make things stick. I almost want to give up trying, but I'm so sick of giving up on people. And I'm not going to because we have the potential to have something that I've never had before. Everyone these days seems to be "going through shit", and me butting in really isn't what they need, I guess. Or at least that's how they would like me to interprut things. I'm just so confused by people. I wish everyone would just say what they mean instead of playing games or telling me to figure it out for myself. My house is really quiet now. Eerie quiet. It never used to be. I could always hear my brother and mom in some in depth conversation or my brother's TV on full blast. There was always something happening and it was so incredibly loud, I'd wish for silence. "Be careful what you wish for." Half the time, I don't even know if my mom is home or not. Before Jay moved out, she was always home by 4:30, but now...I don't know. It feels like now that he's gone, she has no reason to be home. I need to get out of here. I have this incredible urge to prove to everyone here that I'm not who they think I am. I'm not "throwing away my life." I'm not "going no where." But then, fuck it, maybe they're right. Someone offer me their opinion. About anything; I just need someone to be honest with me. 4 cross your heart and hope to..

[12 Oct 2004|08:16pm] [ mood | put off ] [ music | fall out boy ] Booger's an asshole. Me: "Not everything's about sex." Him: "Um, most of it is." The end. and hope to..

oh, I love you, Nikki [11 Oct 2004|04:13pm] [ mood | pensive ] [ music | tbs-just like heaven ] imaluckystar: you know all those survey things that i do? dear anonymous x: you mean the ones i insist you don't continue to send to me, but do anyways? imaluckystar: yeah those dear anonymous x: yes, go on imaluckystar: there was a question "whats your favorite quote" dear anonymous x: ...alright. not sure where you going with this imaluckystar: know what i put? dear anonymous x: does it have something to do with cheese? imaluckystar: ...no dear anonymous x: then i'm out. what'd you put? imaluckystar: "don't curse, you stupid fucktard" lol dear anonymous x: i'm quotable! dear anonymous x: was there a point to you telling me this? imaluckystar: to put a smile on your face... dear anonymous x: oh, then mission accomplished I love that girl so much ;) 2 cross your heart and hope to..

get outta my way, cause i'm having a bad day [09 Oct 2004|05:21pm] [ mood | ditzy ] [ music | Happy Gilmore-cause Adam's my hero ] So, let's talk about my Friday night shall we? Talked to Chad, talked to Nikki, talked to Donna. My brother came home last night and kidnapped my MCR shirt. That bastard. It was really good seeing him. He wanted us to hang out last night, but...I don't know why that didn't happen actually. So I'm going to visit him tonight. Oh, right, back to Friday. I ended up spending the night with Chad (no, not that way). It was actually pretty awkward because it was just us..he seemed kinda pushy; he wanted something to happen between us. Then I got home at about five this morning. And that be it. Fun, eh? Oh, and fyi, comments put smiles on my face... 21 cross your heart and hope to..

[07 Oct 2004|10:45pm] [ mood | analytical ] [ music | hawthorne heights ] Alright, let's see. Today was mostly filled with mundaneness. I actually found myself reading my brothers old economics book that he left behind. And I found it oddly interesting. If only I found my classes as interesting. I was talking to Booger yesterday, and I think we resolved some of our shit, or at least I did until he decided to ignore me today. Ahh, I don't know what to do. It would just be so much easier to wish our feelings away. But, alas, it cannot be done. stop burning bridges, and drive off of them so I can forget about you My mom told me that she didn't want me to move out. People confuse the hell out of me. I don't understand how they can say one thing, then go and do the complete opposite. My mom doesn't want to see me, but at the same time, she can't live without me. Can't have it both ways. I need Jay to move back home. Although, he'd be an idiot if he did. Things changed when he left. I think he kept my mom grounded, and now that he's gone, she's retreated into herself. I hate missing someone when they're right there in front of you face. i don't miss you just who you used to be I'm feeling in need of some love. comment pweeze! 3 cross your heart and hope to..

take my car keys, i'm off to heaven [04 Oct 2004|10:31pm] [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | stiff little fingers ] In the last three days, I have almost gotten into 5 car accidents. Someone's trying to tell me something, I think. I really shouldn't be behind the wheel. My car broke down last night right when a giant semi was making a U-turn in the middle of a two lane road (again, the logic of this is beyond me)...it almost ran right into me. Then today...ugh, let's not go there. These last few days have been pretty craptastic, and I don't too much feel like talking about it. So I wont. 4 cross your heart and hope to..

you can crush my heart without even parting your lips [03 Oct 2004|07:12pm] [ mood | taken for granted ] [ music | october fall ] wtf? I almost got into another accident today! This guy infront of me decides he's going to pull a U-turn right there in the middle of the road...Who does that? 'Specially with a car right behind you. You can't just slam on your brakes and flip a bitch. Well, I mean, you can since he did. But still... Nikki called me and was complaining about how we don't hang out anymore, so we're going do something later tonight. Everyone's so busy with school and work now, it sucks ass trying to see people. Everyone's busy. Visited my brother last night. There were about 10 people there drinking and watching some movie. I got to meet Mike, one of Jay's roomates, and he seems pretty awesome. And, then of course, Bri was there, cause he lives there too. So that was less fun. Booger said he was going to call me last night, but, big surprise, he never did. I don't know what's going on between us. We aren't together, but at the same time, we don't get with anyone else...He confuses the hell out of me, and whenever I bring "us" up, he changes the subject. Stupid me for falling for him. Bleh. Well, I have to go get ready. Hopefully, whatever we end up doing wont include me behind the wheel. Bad things happen when I drive.. and hope to..

happy birthday, anne! [02 Oct 2004|03:14pm] [ mood | indecisive ] [ music | *ace ventura-when nature calls* ] Today has been filled with boredom and dispair...so far. I almost got into two accidents, so when I got home, I told my mom to take my keys away so I wouldn't get into an accident. I've had a really weird feeling for the longest time that I'm going to get into an accident and get hurt. It's probably because what happened to Riss. But I've been having this feeling since before that happend. And now there're things freaking me out, like almost getting in accidents and all the car trouble. It's odd. I'm supposed to hang out with my one buddy this weekend, but I don't know when or what. And he's not home right now, and I don't feel like calling him. I kinda want to call Chad and hang out with him; it feels like it's been forever since I've seen him. It's Anne's b-day, but she has to work. But, hopefully, we'll get to hang out when she gets off. And then Nikki has to work the rest of the day, so I probably wont get to see her unless it's like around 11, and I know she wont want to. I think I'm going to call Jay and see what he's up to. I'm out. Drop a comment and make me feel loved:) 2 cross your heart and hope to..

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