The hardest thing, I think, about being in a relationship is finding that balance between satisfying your needs and your partners. To provide for them all the time while neglecting your own needs will empty you. The more time you spend on their needs, the less individual you become. And eventually if you lose your individuality, which attracted them to you in the first place, you become less attractive to them. But they actually created the situation by their neediness. Then again, you went along with it long enough to make it acceptable. Both of you are at fault.
I'm trying to give it all up, but it's still difficult. For a brief fleeting moment today I thought I was cured of my ailment. But alas, the idle mind is no match for strong emotions. I think this is some sort of addiction, to a woman, to a feeling I received from her, to comfort in knowing that another person has you in their thoughts. And if it is indeed just an addiction, then something other than time is the remedy for it. I cannot go cold turkey on this one... Cribbage is a great game. I could play for hours and hours. She wasn't the one for me. I wasn't the one for her. I can utter these words over and over, but believing them is another thing. There's just no way to know whether or not she is or was the one. I am a scientist. There are all these questions out there to answer about physics, chemisty, and biological systems that are being answered every day by people such as myself. But these questions are not nearly as difficult as questions dealing with the heart. Am I wasting my time and energy dealing with the sciences when I should be trying to answer the more difficult questions in this world? No, I'm not. My work makes me happy. Here's something to think about: If there is something called 'brain power' and certain activities require more than others, what requires the most? I've thought about this a lot. How about this: Who's more intelligent, the philosopher or the physicist? My opinion: the philosopher, no contest. And this coming from a man of science. But most of the great philosophers also were scientists or mathematicians. There's a connection there. There are few scientist also dabble in philosophy. Why? I'm going to bed. I will find no escape from reality in my dreams, sadly.
I am in a very strange place in my life. M and I broke up. It's over. We were together for about 6 months. We spent a lot of time together. I think there's something wrong with me. The whole thing is driving me mad. I pace around, yell things to myself, think about hurting myself (no, not killing myself), and I can't stop. I wrote this to her on Tuesday and we haven't spoken since:
These words are the last ones you will receive from me until you feel you want me to send more.
I assume you've been keeping yourself busy these last couple weeks, which I assume has taken your mind off of 'us.' Or maybe you're far enough past 'us' to not have to do anything to not think about it. I understand either. You've fallen into your routine, one I'm sure you enjoyed before we started dating. I'm trying to do the same in my own way, but it hasn't been easy, admittedly. (Feel free to utter 'I don't care' here. You don't have to care, but I have to say it nonetheless).
You don't owe me any sort of response. You don't owe me any compassion, or understanding, or time, or anything else you have. And I won't ask for anything, demand anything, or even attempt to put myself in any place to receive anything from you that you don't want to give.
If this falls on deaf ears, it is my fault they have turned deaf. I accept this consequence, which is a result of my actions and inactions.
I wish things could be different. I wish so many things. And I don't care if you're staring at these words without any emotional response, you've earned that right. I have to say it, for leaving it unsaid is worse than not saying it.
You can think anything of me. I will think of you as the girl I really liked, even loved in my own weak way, who tired of my ways and means, and eventually decided to move on. I hurt her, I caused her pain, and it makes me sad. So go out and be the happy, wonderful person you are. I will not trouble you.
It's eating me up inside. I have never felt pain like this before. I mope a lot. I've been anti-social. I'm not really the social type to begin with, but I've taken it up a notch. I'm not a drinker, but I drank on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Now, I'm thinking about pouring myself a whiskey and drinking a bit. (I'm going downstairs to pour myself a glass) I just noticed that I drank half a bottle of whiskey last night. I think that's quite impressive. I started to smoke again, a few weeks ago after M told me it was over. And on Monday I smoked my last cigarette after work, drove to Target, went to the pharmacy and bought some Nicotine gum. It works I guess. I haven't smoked since. I've wanted to, but not badly enough to buy a pack. I'm sure I would throw it away after smoking one anyway. Did I mention I'm losing it? M told me she was unhappy in the relationship. She said I was a jerk to her sometimes. I'm one of the nicest people I know. I think I have communication problems, as in, the message I'm trying to tranfer is not the message received. I raise my voice once in a while, not as a threat, but rather just to get the words out without static. I don't get mad much. After a while I think I convinced myself that I shouldn't voice my problems with the relationship for fear that she would tell me off and that would be it. M is a bit of a hypocrite. Apparently I am as well. I hated on MySpace, then got an account, had it for a couple of weeks, amassed some friends (I knew them all personally), then closed it. It's not for me I decided. That wasn't a good enough reason for her. I joined because a friend of mine told me to, so she concluded. She joined for some other sanctioned reason. She said she thought I was an individual, but now I'm not because I have a MySpace account. It made her sad she said. Boy, she really cut me down. I should have asked for permission to join beforehand. It's utterly impossible to be everything your partner wants you to be. Why should I be what you want me to be if that's not who I am? Can't I be myself and be accepted for it? I accept her for who she is. Her and her roommate sometimes act like boy-crazy girls in high school. It's true! I accepted it, I didn't tell her it made me sad that she acted this way. I would have been a total asshole if I had. I loved her. Could I have been better? We all could, her too. Over the course of those 6 months, I must have said 'I'm sorry' hundreds of times, daily probably. I'm a major fuck-up I concluded. I'm lucky to have her I concluded. She probably said it a dozen times. I don't understand people who don't say this phrase, mean it, and feel sorrow. Is the phrase, 'You can't get mad at me for being honest' allowed in a relationship? I think it's total bullshit. A person can get mad at another for anything they want! It doesn't have to be a just reason, it can be anything. And in a relationship the other person has to deal with that. And they're an asshole if they think there's no reason to get mad, or upset, or sad. That's not fair. (Wow, I feel a lot better after having written all this. I highly recommend it to anyone. Write! It's freeing!) I should just get over all of this. I should reach the conclusion that we weren't right for eachother, that there were too many differences to overcome, that we would eventually break up and wish we had realized our incompatibility much, much sooner. Shouldn't I? I don't know the answer. I know the answer to many other questions, but not this one. And this one is an important one, of much importance. Why am I so hung up on this girl? Yes, she's very attractive... I have to stop all of this before it seriously warps me. I have to move on. I have to stop thinking about her. I'm holding on to the notion that she'll call me soon out of the blue, we'll talk a bit, she'll be less angry, we'll laugh, she'll get the idea in her head that I'm not as horrible as she thought, she'll call again and ask me to come over, we'll realize that there's too much 'chemistry' between us to give up, and things will be put into motion. Is that insane? Or is this something that shouldn't be swimming freely in my head? Should I kill this thought? I probably should, shouldn't I? I can't. I just can't yet...
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