In 1 month's time I might be a ragged, bonking mess of a human being. Work is totally killing me. I should be working 10 hours a day, but I can never pull myself to stay past 4:30 or 5. It's much to painful and I don't have the attention span to work that long, especially considering how much mental 'power' my job takes nowadays. I need a really stiff drink.
Where has all the time gone? The summer is nigh at its end. It's been way too hot to do much anyway, but we got a bunch of rain the past couple of days and now it's much cooler.
I made someone cry. It was cold-hearted of me, but I just had so much resentment built up over years and years that the tears had no effect on me. So much wasted time and effort had been put into that relationship and I have nothing to show for it. Nada. It doesn't make me angry any more. She said, "I hope hell is filled with people like you," or something like it. She's commited more sins than I ever will. So I guess we'll be avoiding eachother for all eternity as we burn in the pits of hell.
I did something that I've done before and probably will do again.
I'm thinking inviting her to come to town for the weekend was a bad idea. Why did I do that? Here's why: We went out for about 1.5 years, which is quite a long time, and we owe it to each other to remain friends. I can't just toss aside our experiences together and pretend they didn't happen. I think if you try to forget things, you start to regret them, and eventually start to dislike that person for having 'wasted' all that time and energy. Never put yourself in a position to hate someone else, it's dangerous.
Why is it that people depend on others for happiness? The operative word in that question is 'depend.' Given: A person's emotions are influenced by other people's actions. But why have I heard the phrase, 'I had a bad day and I wanted you to make me happy,' so many times? I can do all sorts of things like entertain you, and show compassion towards your situation, but don't be disappointed if you don't feel exponentially better. Just don't look at me like I failed, like I'm not fulfilling my responsibilities. Another person can take you only so far towards happiness, the remaining gap must be filled by you.
I can't decide if I've been getting the most out of my time recently. I'm always up for doing just about anything, but most people aren't that way. Why the hell are people so lame sometimes? I would have played tennis if Mike had called me, would have gone on a ride if Nick had been up for it, or I would have even gone out for some beers and trivia. How can people be so inactive all the time? Sitting at home sometimes drives me up the wall. It's horrible to watch time pass, useless and wasteful. And I can only read so much, carve so much, think so much before I become manic. There have been times when I've been so wound up that I've put on my running shoes and just busted out the door and ran and ran until I couldn't anymore, then I turn around and run all the way back. And I can hardly stand running.
There is plenty of summer left to do things and be active. I wish I still lived near the lake. I used to get home after work on a hot day, walk down there in the shorts I worked in, and just jump in and swim around for a while. Then I'd sit on the beach and watch the sun glisten on the rippling water, completely happy with life even though I was single, financially stretched, and not satisfied with my career. (sigh). What a feeling that was.
Don't let a day go by that is wasted. Do something every day that is going to get you closer to a goal, any goal, no matter how small. If you want to get ahead at your career, go after it, do good work, that's something you can focus on every day. My dad worked at the same firm for 25 years and just now changed companies. He was so good at what he did, there was no challenge to it. He wasn't bettering himself by being challenged on a daily basis. So he quit and now works at a different firm that specializes in other things. He's challenged and learning more about his field. It must be a great feeling. Never let what you do for 40+ hours a week be just a job. Don't go a day without loving how you're spending that time. It's lost and you'll never get it back. You don't want to look back at all those years and realize that all it did was provide income, and no enrichment to your life. I'm never going to be like that.
It's true. I was at work today, actually enjoying my job, and I realized that I'm really pretty happy with my...life I guess. M and I broke up months ago and that's fine. It took time, but there's nothing I can do to change the past, so the only thing to do is focus on today and tomorrow and the future. The future is now! So that's it, I don't need to talk about her anymore. (((big sigh))).
I played a round of disc golf yesterday with some friends of mine (my brother's friends actually). I did very well considering it's only the second time out this year. I shot a 3 under. It felt so good to be out there on a nice warm evening. My brother just bought a house and lives there alone at present. From what they said, his girlfriend won't consider moving in with him if he doesn't put a ring on her finger. Now this could all be hot air coming out of their mouths, but is sounds about right to me. That would suck. He's not the same since they started going out last year. We used to hang out pretty often, now he's too busy doing stuff with her. I can understand though, he's never really had a serious girlfriend.
It's great to not need many hours of sleep. I never go to sleep before midnight and I wake up at 6:30. If I could have any wish in the world, it would be to not need sleep. Of course, I could sleep if I wanted to, but I would not need to sleep in order to function properly on a day-to-day basis. Actually, it'd be nice to be invisible too I guess. It's a toss up.
It's hard to believe I created this journal 3 years ago. I was bored sitting at my desk killing time in PA and I found this site, wrote an entry, and started to journal. Of course, I deleted all those entries from back then. It's now 3 years later and I started again. Life is so cyclic. Everything comes back at one point or another. (Reader, if you haven't noticed, it's a Saturday night and I'm sitting in front of a 'puter, and drinking a smooth refreshing glass of whisky).
I got to thinking a bit about climbing, I mean mountains. My good friend and I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro in Africa a couple of years ago. It wasn't really that hard, sad to say. It made me think I could climb other, larger mountains. I started reading "Seven Summits." Those guys were like 50 and climbed all of them. I truly believe I could do it too. I just need the money and the time. I've got the genes. I've got good swiss blood in these here veins. Switzerland is beautiful by the way. I think we'll try to bag Mt. Elbrus in Russia next, mother Russia that is. Denali is pretty tough, so maybe I'll leave that for later when I've got a little more experience, and money. I basically live from paycheck to paycheck. It sucks. So, Elbrus it is.
I spoke with her yesterday. My phone rings and she is the last person I expect to be calling me, no matter what time of day. I had sent her a text asking if she and her roommate would be interested in going to a ball game with Mike and myself. She had plans that night, and she wasn't into it anyway. Apparently, the comment I made about wishing I were still her boyfriend a couple of weeks ago was reason to block out thoughts of interacting with me (at least for a period of time). So we talked briefly about it and then she had to go (didn't want to talk anymore). I dropped her a line later explaining that I didn't want to be her boyfriend, but rather, 'just don't like the animosity that's in the air.' I hope she can understand that. I mean, I lost a friend when we broke up. Maybe she could never think of me as a 'friend', not sure. I'm really not the type to be a male friend to a former girlfriend. Strange, but true. And I don't force a relationship that isn't completely mutual. If she finds that I have certain qualities and wants to see me and talk to me once in a while, great, if not...(shrug).
I'm not fluffing my ego here at all, as a disclaimer. All of my girlfriends have been very attractive. It's not that I find them attractive and I'm the only judge. My friends have told me this. I don't understand at all. I look at myself in the mirror and see a normal, average-looking twentysomething male. Apparently I'm cute. I've been told I have dimples. I've never noticed. I've got something, that's all I know. Here's a little fact: I've never hit on a woman at a bar, not even a little. Then again, I've never really met anyone I've gone out with in a bar. And no, I never get approached by women in such settings. M told me I was 'unapproachably good looking.' Like I'd laugh in someone's face if they came up to me and tried to ask me out. That's hilarious!
That's it for now. (sigh).
I've got a chronic medical issue. I get these inflamed sweat glands on my face. I've had probably about 8 of them in the past 2 years. They hurt really bad because the infection builds up under the skin and makes the whole area tender and sore. Yea, I know, ON MY FACE! Imagine a big zit that can't be popped, this is what it feels like. And there's nothing I can do until it pushes up to the surface of the skin and then it can be drained. Yes, it needs to be punctured and drained. It's nasty business. It makes my self-esteem plummet to dangerously low levels. It sucks. I hate having to deal with shit like this.
I sent her an email yesterday asking if she wanted to go out for coffee, or a burrito, or any other foodstuff that may sound good at the time. Amazingly, she obliged. So I went over to her place, haven't been inside for over 2 months. It was the same as I remembered it. In fact, I haven't seen her for over 2 months. Two months is a long time, now that I think of it. A lot can happen in that period of time. People can fall in love in that time, or fall in love and then fall out of love. Sometimes it may take that long to realize that you have feelings for someone, even if you see them nearly every day.
Her room is the same small, cluttered space I remembered it as. To my complete surprise, she still has the photo-booth pictures we took at her christmas party in plain sight. I expected everything I touched to be out of sight, tucked in some dark corner of her closet. What does this mean? I moved things that reminded me of her out of my sight slowly over these months, flowers, postcards, etc. But she keeps this intimate snapshot of us displayed for a reason unknown to me. She's the same girl I remembered.
We go for a drive to pick up some food and return a movie, one she rented and viewed with some male who lives on the other side of town. I have no business prying into the inner workings of her relationship with said male so I package up the painful images and thoughts and imbed them deep inside my person. They reside there as I write this. She has male friends and I know this so it's not a huge deal really. I just decided to take the information for later use, as a weapon against myself. Oh, self inflicting pain is so terribly powerful, at times uncontrollable, but powerful nonetheless.
We shop for some food, I buy her a soda, we head back to her place. She says she's not really mad at me any longer. That took a long time. It was hard, but I survived, I'm strong. I'm not one for acting unlike myself under almost any circumstances. Perhaps that's not always a good thing, especially when dealing with an ex-girlfriend. So I joke with her, I try to carry on as if things are the same as they always were. We play off eachother quite well. But I sense this becomes uncomfortable for her, as it probably should. I sigh a bit, nearly shed a tear, and agree that things actually should be more awkward than they are. They really should. To my credit, I never invaded her space, tried to give her an embrace as an old friend would, or even hinted that I sought such a greeting.
She's just so damn cute I want to scream. I've been toying with the idea that our lives would never, in the end, intertwine as they should. I've got a thick head about things, so this has been labor intensive to say the least. But I will continue to throw myself on the tracks until I see fit. But I will not die for her, no sir I will not.
I called her, no answer. I didn't leave a message, she changed her greeting. She called back 15 minutes later. I called her from my work phone and for some strange reason she calls it back, wierd. 'Hello,' she says, 'Hello,' I say. God damn it, my stomach jumps so high I nearly puke all over my desk. I would give anything to be transported back to September when we were just getting to know eachother. We had good times. She told me that our first date was the best date she ever went on. I think there's something to say about that. I don't date. I don't get nervous on dates for that matter. You either like me or you don't. I'm not particularly outgoing, or funny, or rich. I am an individual, that's the deal. Not in a million years will you meet anyone like me. I'm not a hater, but to the untrained eye I appear to be one. I'm not a pretty boy, but I attract people. I don't know. I'm out.
She calls me once in a while. I can't for the life of me figure out why she does it. And I actually called her for the first time in weeks on Saturday. She answered, which meant the world to me at the time. Part of me really wants to hear her say she'll never, ever, want to be in a relationship with me. But even if she told me that was the case I'd still hold on to the idea in the back of my mind. I'd think, 'There may be a few circumstances wherein she'd need me and I'd be there for her, and she'd appreciate me for it.' There's also a chance, albeit a small one, that she actually misses being with me, but knows that it's not a good idea to act on this, for her own sake. I haven't felt complete for many weeks. Maybe I'm deluded in my thinking. She's on her way to work as I write this. Do I call her just to say 'hi.'? Is that crossing the line I drew for myself? I already crossed it a couple of times and the results weren't at all negative, no recourse from her. I'm going to call, results to come!
'O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,...' I've got to agree with Billy Shakespeare on this one. The dude knew what he was talking about. If you're truly going to swear on something, make it something constant, make it something that will never change. Don't swear on your life, lives change. God? Also not constant enough. Is there anything constant enough to swear on? Doubt it.
I don't have enough running through me to put down anything really meaningful, so I guess I'll just jot down some things going on around me, or including me.
My brother is engaged, wierd, he's younger than I am, doubly wierd. And my mom is the kind of mom to love this sort of thing, a marriage in the family, I'm sure she's thrilled. She's got 3 boys, so any addition of a girl to the family is a huge plus. I'm happy for them though.
I love my job. I'd love it more if they paid me better, but the topic of a raise is not something to be broached for another couple of months. And until then I'm not in any financial position to move, or buy anything expensive, or even think of it. Come to think of it, I don't buy anything expensive anyway. I feel guilty buying a pair of shoes once a year.
Nirvana played a tune on their Unplugged album written by David Bowie called 'Man Who Sold the World.' Both versions are equally good I believe. Bowie, one of the greatest musical minds ever, and Nirvana, grunge.
I have to figure out this remote desktop thing for work so I can monitor the temperatures of dozens of freezers, coolers, and incubators at work. Fun stuff.
I don't know if I'm the only one who does this, but I love reading other people's journals. I even bookmarked a few of them and check in daily to see how things going on in their lives turned out. Is that wierd? I don't think so. I mean, so many people sit in front of the tube and consume pointless programming for hours and hours. It's a huge waste of time. Read a book! Write in a journal! Read someone elses journal! The reason there are so many problems in the world is because people don't understand other people, their feelings, emotions, points of view, beliefs. And all these journals contain so many powerful thoughts and feelings, it's amazing. Example: I was reading a post about cutting. These girls physically harm themselves with blades. I got to thinking about that. And I understand it completely. It's so simple. I 'cut' myself in other ways, I booze, I think about mistakes I've made until they make me really, really sad. The point is, there are many ways to cause oneself harm, different but the same in the end.
So keep writing people, it's a good thing.
I can't help it. No matter what I do I can't get this out of my head. I want to be destructive. Whe will never want me again. I can't accept this. Why do I lover her so much?
It's 11:00 on a Wednesday night and I'm pretty drunk. I quit smoking on Monday, March 20th. I'm chewing nicotine gum. I don't want to smoke anymore. It's a terrible habit. If there were not negative health effects from smoking, I'd smoke a pack a day, truly. But I've decided that it's not me, not anymore. I've got so much potential in me and smoking would waste it completely. I'm an athlete, a natural athlete. I play soccer, volleyball, tennis, basketball, I'm decent at all sports. But there's no feeling like lighting up and taking a big drag. I'm going to miss it, make no mistake about it.
I'm successful, I have a good job, I'm intelligent, people respect me, I'm important, I have good friends who are upstanding citizens, I matter to other people. If I died, many people would come to mourn my death. They'd say I was a good person. I would be missed by all who knew me. I would give anything to be at my funeral. You don't know anything about yourself until you see who shows up at your funeral. That's sad. We could all use a little insight into our own lives from the viewpoints of those who know/knew us. I don't want to die. I don't care who reads this.
I'm listening to this album for probably the 100th time and it hasn't gotten old, not even a little bit. I know very little about these guys, but I prefer to keep it that way. It doesn't matter who they are or where they come from. The music is all I need and want, it's superb. Ah, I'm drowning in it, it's good.
Hope is dangerous. If you hope for something and it never materializes you're left with a sense of loss, emptiness, and pain. So is it better to just not hope for many things? I mean, that way you're less likely to be let down all the time. That girl is demolishing me. She doesn't even know it, and I'll never tell her because she wouldn't have any of it. She'd say, 'You lost me, you screwed up, just get over it.' She's partially correct in her assessment. I did screw up. But she's not one for compassion, not even for someone she once loved. I, on the other hand, have loads of it and give it to all those willing to receive it. If she ever decided to give me another shot, I'm absolutely certain things would be different (in the best of ways). She doesn't necessarily believe things would be. And she's much too proud to consider opening herself up again, only to be let down a second time. She's selectively protective of her feelings.
As I poured myself a nice, smooth, refreshing glass of whisky I noticed that there's not nearly enough to create any sort of buzz. I'm thinking if I drink it fast enough there's an outside chance it'll hit hard and fast. I love whisky, she's always there for me. Cheers. I'm not an alcoholic by the way, just someone who enjoys the effects of alcohol.
So I'm making a little breakfast in the late morning hours of a dreary Sunday when my phone rings in my pocket. I think, 'It's Spiegler, he want's to play some Tecmo, I'll call him back.' But I've never give up the hope that she'll call me out of the blue, so I take it out of my pocket and sure enough I see 'Do Not Call' listed as the caller (That ID has been my last line of defense for a couple of weeks). She's calling me. My heart strarts to race and I feel a little queasy, but I manage to answer and sound as breezy as possible. She sounds just like she always sounds, cute. She's on her way to see a nice wholesome teeny bopper movie at the local theater. We talk about this and that, the upcoming change in weather patterns, mutual friends who annoy both of us for the same reasons, and her dysfunctional family. She can't find the theater so I direct her where to turn and what to look for. 'At the very least she might call me again for directions somewhere in the metro,' I think. Surprisingly, she doesn't 'let me go' before she really has to. I kept waiting for her to say, 'I have to go, ok, bye.' But she didn't. She let me go when she actually had to. This means everything to me at the time. I sit for a long time just thinking and staring off into nothingness. What does this mean? I don't want to be her friend. That would be too painful. I know I will never be able to cope with that. She knows this, I told her long ago. I need her in my life, so I might have to take what she gives me.
I think I inhaled something I shouldn't have today. Some sort of developmental adhesive comes to me in this little can wrapped up in a cardboard box. I see wierd stuff all the time like sludges, biohazards, plastics, and especially samples that are part water, part god knows what. So it was no surprise to me when this lands on my desk for me to assign it a sample number, location, hazard risk, etc. The box was non-descript so I opened it and pulled the can out to get a closer look. Yea, that 'closer look' wasn't such a good idea. Now I've got this wrenching headache. Moral of the story: Don't be a chemist.
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