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Friday, September 19th, 2003

Subject: yes im still alive!! Time: 5:13 pm. Mood: happy. Music: THE RED CHORD - That Certain Special Ugly.

holy shit i havent updated in a while.. so much for my promise to post everyday. my dad has been doing alotta stuff with the computer and ive been afraid that he would find this. anyways.. about my summer... ive been having a kickass time at band practice and ive been a total whore ;) i went to zac's house today. it was the best time we have had together.. even better than last week when my ass lost its virginity.. hehe.. it was great! everyone should get over their fears of having anal sex and try it! anyways.. today i was over there for about 4 hours. we starting making out right away. everything that happened next was pretty normal.. up the shirt with hands/mouth.. then down the pants. his parents werent home so i could take my pants off completely. he ate me out like woah.. lol. it was fucking awesome.. better than hes ever done before. after we were done that i gave him head. if only took 3 minutes before he finished. it usually takes alot longer it seems like. we spent the rest of the time talking and laughing together, making out, and laying together. i almost felt like i liked him.. but not really. by the way we've gone out twice. he asked me out the other day and i said no. something really awesome happened on wednesday at band practice. me and ken were on a break and everyone else in the pit was in the band room. we were holding hands and we walked into the uniform room and made out. he said some really sweet things to me like i had the most beautiful body.. it was so nice of him to say that. we only got to make out for a few minutes then we had to go back to practice. then on the next break we got to do it again. it felt so nice to have his hands on my body again.. its been so long. i really missed him. him and maggie are over and im so fucking happy!!!!!!!!!!!! everything is going good now. there is something i'd like to talk about but everyone would think im crazy. i dont even know what to say about it. dont ask me about it... idk what i can say.. words cant describe what has been happening.. its so wonderful.

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Subject: soulseek Time: 6:49 pm. Mood: cheerful. Music: CRYPTOPSY - voice of unreason.

ive been meeting so many cool new people on soulseek. they have awesome songs and so much to d/l. thats all i gots to say today oh yeah.. i got aim+! woot woot

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Subject: im still alive Time: 7:42 pm. Mood: happy. Music: AMORPHIS - black winter day.

wow, its been weeks since i posted! i went out with zac for a few days but he broke up with me because kate and lori were acting like jealous bitches and they were practically stalking both of us. it just didnt work out, but its not like i cared or anything. alot of stuff has happened in the past few weeks. i promise to update everyday now. ive been pretty happy. zac came over once and we had a lil bit of fun... nothing too special or worth writing about. a week ago i almost started an argument with ken. i dont remember what we were talking about, but i said "you obviously like to be controlled.. since you like maggie." we didnt talk after that for a few days, but now everythings ok and he hasnt mentioned it. after i said it he told me he was mad. i felt bad for saying it but it was such a good bad. we had a nice conversation yesterday. i think we're gonna go to a movie soon. ive been to a few movies since last time i posted. i went to one today actually, with rachel and christina. surprisingly, danny and i have been talking alot lately. andrew wanted to have a 3some with me and danny.. but thats kind of weird. danny didnt seem interested and he wants me to hang out with him without andrew. when we do we're not gonna tell andrew though. i didnt tell andrew anything me and danny talked about. he wanted me to go to the movies today but its pouring rain outside and i just dont feel like it. i dont think i could go anyways... my mom hates danny. she wouldnt let me, i know it. it would work if i went somewhere with him and andrew and just said it was with andrew. ill have to come up with a really good plan. i always do.. but i dunno if i can this time. i need to talk to him when he gets online. i havent had a chance to talk to him or andrew today. i like danny better than andrew.. and i cant believe im saying that, oh well. id like to have fun with andrew.. but hes not really special or anything. danny is just.. different. i can have long conversations with him and tell him anything. we have had a weird past together but we dont talk about it unless we have to. its not very good :\

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Time: 10:24 am. Mood: accomplished. Music: BEYOND THE EMBRACE - the riddle of steel.

i havent felt like posting till now. a lot of interesting stuff happened in the past few days. 1st of all, i went to the mall w/heather on thursday. we had a great time. i got 2 cds and she got some shirts. i threw my gum on top of the starbucks place. it was good fun. i told little kids that their parents didnt love them anymore.. hehehe! the best part of all was when heather had an idea to 'free' some toy animals at the toystore. they were in a lil display area on the floor. she picked up one and put it outside the store. i managed to save a few. they were squeaking and squealing and crawling away. heather started to walk away and i looked behind me and there was a cop comin so we ducked into the book store and watched him reprison the animals! it was heartbreaking, but we're over it now. next, zac talked to me and practially begged for forgiveness. i dont remember what day this was. but he invited me to come over saturday (yesterday) so i went. i was there for 3 and a half hours. i really had fun, but i could never be more than friends with him. i just didnt like him that way. i think he liked me like that..oh well. we watched movies and for the first hour or so he had his arm around me and he gently rubbed me. i dont remember whether he lifted up my shirt or kissed me first. but it took him like 25 minutes to lift up my shirt and bra.. he was waaaaay to slow. he wasnt very good at using his hands or mouth on me.. but his kissing was AMAZING. im dead serious. he was the best kisser EVER. i was so surprised!!! it was so awesome, and i still cant get over it. we made out for a long long time. eventually he moved his hand down and rubbed my 'area' over my pants. he needed help untieing them!! hahaha... so i untied/unbuttoned them for him. he wasnt very good at fingering. he needed tips very very badly, but i didnt feel comfortable enough w/him to tell him how i like it. he invited me to come over again tuesday. i will go if my mom lets me. if he didnt kiss so well, i dont think i would want to see him again. when he talked to me lastnight he told me how his parents like me alot, i was a great kisser, and stuff like that. it was really sweet. so anyways, on friday heather and her dad got in a big fight cuz she didnt have dinner ready when he came home!!! ill skip all the little details and stuff because i dont feel like typin it all. he told her how she had to move out and pack all of her things in 2 trashbags. she thought he was serious so she called me hysterical and asked if my mom and i would take her in right now. so we drove to her house (its like 2 or 3 minutes away). her dad came outside so my mom drove down the street really fast. we called her on the phone and she told us we could come back and talk to her dad so we did. he acted like nothing was wrong at all. but we could tell that there was. he wouldnt let her leave. so after my mom talked to him we went back home. a few hours later he called and asked if he could drop heather off at my house to spend the night. of course he could so he came and brought her over. she told me the whole story of what happened. he came and her picked her up at like 1:45 saturday.

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Subject: this is the longest fuckin quiz ever Time: 2:42 am. Mood: awake. Music: chimaira - split.

: basics : [ .001. ] first name: ****** [ .002. ] middle name: **** [ .003. ] last name: * [ .004. ] nickname(s): shut up hoe [ .005. ] gender: female [ .006. ] age: 15 [ .007. ] birthday: shut up hoe [ .008. ] height: 5 feet [ .009. ] hair color: brown [ .010. ] eye color: hazel/green [ .011. ] race: white [ .012. ] do you wear glasses or contacts: glasses [ .013. ] do you have braces: yep [ .014. ] is your hair long or short: meduim/long [ .015. ] where were you born: in a hospital [ .016. ] current location: shut up hoe [ .017. ] zodiac sign: aries [ .018. ] how many languages do you know: 2 [ .019. ] nationality: american [ .020. ] bad habits: ken [ .021. ] piercings you have: none [ .022. ] piercings you want: none [ .023. ] tattoos you have: none [ .024. ] tattoos you want: dunno yet [ .025. ] today's date: June 20 [ .026. ] the time: 2:47 AM [ .027. ] ready for a bunch more questions: sure : family : [ .028. ] mother's name: j [ .029. ] father's name: m [ .030. ] step-parent's names, if any: none [ .031. ] brother(s)'s name(s): dont have any [ .032. ] sister(s)'s name(s): c [ .033. ] favorite aunt: not sure [ .034. ] favorite uncle: not sure [ .035. ] favorite grandparents: my only grandparent.. my moms mom [ .036. ] worst relative: hahaha. no comment! [ .037. ] best relative: grandma [ .038. ] do you get along with your parents: no [ .039. ] does anyone in your family understand you: no, and thats the way i like it : pets : [ .040. ] do you have any pets: yep [ .041. ] what are their names: alvin midge and lucy [ .042. ] what kind of animals are they: dog, cats : school : [ .043. ] are you still in school: no [ .044. ] did you drop out: i wish [ .045. ] current gpa, or last gpa you got: 2.5? [ .046. ] favorite grade: 1st [ .047. ] least favorite grade: 2nd [ .048. ] favorite teacher: madame heinzen [ .049. ] least favorite teacher: ms mckinney [ .050. ] favorite subject: francais [ .051. ] least favorite subject: english [ .052. ] do/did you buy lunch or bring it: buy/bring both [ .053. ] play any sports on the school's team: band [ .054. ] do/did you do any extracurricular ativities: drama but im not doin again this year [ .055. ] are/was you popular: i dunno [ .056. ] favorite dance in school: TWIRP [ .057. ] favorite memory in school: getting fingered in the hallway & fight with shelby [ .058. ] least favorite dance: homecoming [ .059. ] least favorite memory in school: fight with emily [ .060. ] most humiliating moment: everyday..but its fun : favorites : [ .061. ] number: 12 [ .062. ] clothing brand: dont have one [ .063. ] shoes: i dunno [ .064. ] saying: shut up hoe [ .065. ] tv show: punk'd, the osbournes, jackass [ .066. ] sport: band [ .067. ] vegetable: cucumbers [ .068. ] fruit: you [ .069. ] movie: i dunno [ .070. ] magazine: dont have one [ .071. ] actor: bruce willis [ .072. ] actress: the lil girl that played in the ring [ .073. ] candy: m&ms and butterfingers [ .074. ] gum: trident [ .075. ] scent: vanilla... and ken.. [ .076. ] candy bar: butterfinger [ .077. ] ice cream flavor: chocolate [ .078. ] color: black, red, white, blue [ .079. ] season: winter [ .080. ] holiday: my birthday [ .081. ] band: dredg [ .082. ] singer: steven richards [ .083. ] group: dredg [ .084. ] rapper: I hate rap [ .085. ] type of music: metal [ .086. ] thing in your room: my bed [ .087. ] place to be: in kens arms.. but that doesnt happen much [ .088. ] radio station: i dont like the radio [ .089. ] tv channel: dont have one [ .090. ] junk food: chocolate candybars [ .091. ] overall food: pizza [ .092. ] store: best buy [ .093. ] shoe brand: dont have one [ .094. ] fast food: mcdonalds [ .095. ] restaurant: any chinese place [ .096. ] shape: cylinder [ .097. ] time of day: night.. der [ .098. ] country: usa [ .099. ] state: dont have one [ .100. ] boys name: i really dont know [ .101. ] girls name: tricia [ .102. ] mall: mall of america [ .103. ] video game: diddy kong racing [ .104. ] shampoo: herbal essence [ .105. ] board game: payday [ .106. ] computer game: pinball [ .107. ] car: dont have one [ .108. ] music video: dredg - same ol road [ .109. ] swear word: oh i like em all [ .110. ] word: ... [ .111. ] month: december [ .112. ] cartoon character: no one [ .113. ] scary movie: the ring [ .114. ] team: my school band [ .115. ] possession: my cds : what's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear : [ .116. ] eminem: HATE [ .117. ] dog: pet [ .118. ] hot: sweat [ .119. ] britney spears: fake [ .120. ] nsync: gay [ .121. ] real world: worst tv show ever [ .122. ] orange: fruit [ .123. ] choice: yes [ .124. ] fuck: me [ .125. ] bisexual: not me [ .126. ] black: death [ .127. ] icq: computer [ .128. ] insane clown posse: love [ .129. ] linkin park: meteora [ .130. ] jack: off jill [ .131. ] rainbow: Chris [ .132. ] cherry: popped... lmao [ .133. ] cucumber: cum [ .134. ] shark: bute [ .135. ] lifehouse: guard [ .136. ] bat: night [ .137. ] leather: yucky [ .138. ] whip: ass [ .139. ] america: alive [ .140. ] water: cold [ .141. ] volcano: hot : this or that : [ .142. ] rock or rap: rock [ .143. ] rock or pop: rock [ .144. ] rock or r&b: rock [ .145. ] rock or metal: metal! [ .146. ] rap or pop: if i had to pick .. pop [ .147. ] rap or r&b: if i had to pick .. rap [ .148. ] rap or metal: metal! [ .149. ] pop or r&b: pop [ .150. ] pop or metal: metal! [ .151. ] r&b or metal: metal! [ .152. ] linkin park or limp biskit: Linkin Park [ .153. ] tool or korn: TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL [ .154. ] selena or jennifer lopez: neither [ .155. ] hot or cold: cold [ .156. ] winter or summer: winter [ .157. ] spring or fall: fallen [ .158. ] shakira or britney: ehh both suck, but shakira [ .159. ] icp or eminem: icp [ .160. ] marilyn manson or rob zombie: rob zombie but i love em both [ .161. ] kittie or garbage: kittke [ .162. ] mtv or vh1: mtv [ .163. ] buffy or angel: buffy [ .164. ] dawson's creek or gilmore girls: neither..but if I had to pick Dawsons Creek [ .165. ] football or basketball: basketball [ .166. ] summer olympics or winter olympics: winter [ .167. ] skiing or snowboarding: snowboarding [ .168. ] rollarblading or skateboarding: both [ .169. ] black or white: black [ .170. ] orange or red: red [ .171. ] yellow or green: green [ .172. ] purple or pink: purple [ .173. ] slipknot or mudvayne: Slipknot.. but both kick ass [ .174. ] hot topic or pac sun: Hot Topic [ .175. ] inside or outside: inside [ .176. ] weed or alcohol: i told you so many times.. SEX SEX SEX [ .177. ] cell phone or pager: cell phone [ .178. ] pen or pencil: pencil [ .179. ] powerpuff girls or charlie's angels: charlies angels [ .180. ] scooby doo or dino: scooby doo [ .181. ] dragon ball z or pokemon: pokemon [ .182. ] star wars or star trek: star wars [ .183. ] tattoos or piercings: both [ .184. ] prep or punk: punk [ .185. ] slut or whore: whore : private life : [ .186. ] do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend: no [ .187. ] do you have a crush: hmm...yes [ .188. ] do you love anyone right now: yes [ .189. ] have you ever been in love: yes [ .190. ] how many people have you kissed: i should keep track.. oh well its too late now [ .191. ] who was your first kiss: tyler.. god im so sorry for that sin! [ .192. ] how many hearts of have you broken: a few i guess [ .193. ] how many people broke your heart: too many [ .194. ] best quote to sum up love: none [ .195. ] so what is your bf/gf/crush like: perfect for me [ .196. ] do you have a picture of him/her: in my mind [ .198. ] do you have a picture of yourself: yep [ .200. ] do you go by looks or personality: both [ .201. ] ever kiss a friend: yes [ .202. ] are you still friends: no [ .203. ] so moving along..do you smoke: not usually [ .204. ] do you smoke weed: its the herb of our lives [ .205. ] ever trip on acid: nope [ .206. ] how about a little x: nope [ .207. ] crack, heroin, anything else: nope [ .208. ] beer good or beer bad: beer yumm [ .209. ] are you the sissy who drinks wine coolers: haha no [ .210. ] do you like smirnoff ice: its ok [ .211. ] prefer beer or liquor: liquor [ .212. ] what kind of cigarettes do you smoke: none [ .213. ] are you a virgin: you should be able to tell by now [ .214. ] if no, when was the last time you got some: a few nights ago : would you ever : [ .215. ] bungee jump: yep [ .216. ] sky dive: yes [ .217. ] swim with dolphins: yep [ .218. ] scuba dive: yep [ .219. ] go rock climbing: ive done it [ .220. ] eat shit for $1,000,000: for a million? yep [ .221. ] turn your back on your friends for personal gain: noo [ .222. ] steal a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend: maybe [ .223. ] cross-dress: i guess [ .224. ] lie to the police: o yes [ .225. ] run from the police: i would...definetly [ .226. ] lie to your parents: der [ .227. ] walk up to a stranger and kiss them: yeah [ .228. ] be an exotic dancer: if i could get hired [ .229. ] walk out of a restaurant without paying: if i could [ .230. ] streak: yeah : your friends : [ .231. ] best friend: heather [ .232. ] known longest: heather i guess.. i dunno [ .233. ] wish you talked to more: zack [ .234. ] wish you saw more: ken [ .235. ] how many friends do you think you have: idk [ .236. ] who drives you insane after a while: brandi.. dont tell her that! [ .237. ] who can you stay around forever and never get sick of: ken and heather [ .238. ] ever lose a good friend because you took it to the 'next level': yup [ .243. ] can always make you laugh: lots of people [ .248. ] hot tempered: everyone is sometimes.. but brandi most of the time [ .249. ] most impatient: ME [ .250. ] shortest: ME [ .251. ] tallest: hmm idk [ .254. ] thinest: jessie [ .255. ] nicest: most of them [ .256. ] best personality: all [ .257. ] biggest drug user: me : have you ever : [ .258. ] flashed someone: yes.. many times [ .259. ] told the person you liked how you felt: yes [ .260. ] been to michigan: nope [ .261. ] gotten really REALLY wasted: yep [ .262. ] gone to jail or juvi: nope [ .263. ] skateboarded: yeah alot, especially when i was way younger [ .264. ] skinny dipped: no [ .265. ] stolen anything: too much [ .266. ] broke someones bone: nope [ .267. ] kicked someone's ass: yep [ .268. ] pegged someone in the head with a snowball: yep [ .269. ] broke a beer bottle: yep [ .270. ] gotten into a bar, under-aged: no [ .271. ] kissed someone of the same sex: no [ .272. ] flipped someone off: yes [ .273. ] gone on a road trip: yes [ .274. ] gone on vacation without adult supervision: no [ .275. ] been to a concert: yeah [ .276. ] been to another country: no [ .277. ] talked back to an adult: DER [ .278. ] got pulled over: nope [ .279. ] got in a car accident: no [ .280. ] broke a law: yeah alot [ .281. ] given money to a homeless person: no [ .282. ] tried to kill yourself: not really [ .283. ] cried to get out of trouble: yes [ .284. ] kissed a friend's brother or sister: he kissed me [ .285. ] kissed a brother or sister's friend: no [ .286. ] dropped something on the floor that you were cooking and let someone eat it anyway: haha yeah : opinions : [ .287. ] what do you think...about pop music: hate it [ .288. ] about boy bands: hate em [ .289. ] about flag burning: i dont care [ .290. ] of the war on terrorists: i like it.. im sorry but i do [ .291. ] about suicide: its real [ .292. ] about people who try to force their opinions on you: i like other ppls opinions-only when needed [ .293. ] about abortion: sad but real [ .294. ] about rock/metal music: in love w/it [ .295. ] where do you think you'll be in 10 years: i dont know [ .296. ] who do you think you'll still be friends with in 5 years: dunno for sure.. definetly heather : what did you do : [ .297. ] last birthday: nothing [ .298. ] yesterday: computer, slept, ate [ .299. ] last weekend: i dont remember [ .300. ] christmas: opened presents [ .301. ] thanksgiving: went to the beach [ .302. ] new year's eve: hmmmmm i dont remember too well [ .303. ] halloween: made lil kids cry [ .304. ] easter: chilled with the family [ .305. ] valentine's day: i cant remember : the last : [ .306. ] thing you ate: pudding [ .307. ] thing you drank: root beer [ .308. ] thing you wore: pjs [ .309. ] place you went: computer room... still here [ .310. ] thing you got pierced/tattooed: nothing [ .311. ] person you saw: my mom [ .312. ] person you kissed: ken [ .313. ] person you fucked: i dont know his name.. jk [ .314. ] person you talked to: heather [ .315. ] song you heard: deftones - kinfe party : now : [ .316. ] what are you eating: nothing [ .317. ] what are you drinking: nothing [ .318. ] what are you wearing: nothing special [ .319. ] any shoes on: nope [ .320. ] hair: down [ .321. ] listening to: deftones.. white pony [ .322. ] talking to anyone: nope [ .323. ] are you pissed I made this so long: yes.. very pissed : yes or no : [ .324. ] are you a vegetarian: no [ .325. ] do you like cows: i am one [ .326. ] are you a bitch: yes [ .327. ] are you artistic: usually not [ .328. ] do you write poetry: i have alot recently [ .329. ] are you a fast runner: no.. you should see the ass i have to carry along with me everywhere [ .330. ] can you ski: never tried [ .331. ] are you british: nope [ .332. ] do you want to spear britney: yes.. [ .333. ] do the voices talk to you: no.. i see images more than i hear voices [ .334. ] did you ever give barbie a haircut: haha ohhh yeahh plenty of times! [ .335. ] would you eat mac & cheese with hot dogs in it: mac n cheese makes me sick [ .336. ] do you think disney creators were on acid when they made 'alice in wonderland': der [ .337. ] are you straight: yes [ .338. ] are you stupid? insane? or another physically handicapped: insane [ .339. ] are you fat: no but sometimes i feel like it [ .340. ] are you skinny: noooo [ .341. ] are you short: yes [ .342. ] are you tall: no way [ .343. ] do you own a hot pink shirt: yeah [ .344. ] how about orange pants: i used to!! i swear! i might still have em [ .345. ] can you see the flying monkeys: no [ .346. ] are you evil: hahaha yes [ .347. ] did you ever know someone who had a mullet: haha YES [ .348. ] is britney a whore: der [ .349. ] are you a teenage zombie: im a vampire [ .350. ] am I annoying you: if I want to I can be [ .351. ] do you like marilyn manson: yep [ .352. ] are you secretly from another planet: no sorry [ .354. ] do you shop at hot topic: soemtimes :random questions : [ .355. ] if you could be any animal, what would you be: black cat [ .356. ] if you had to eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be: pizza [ .357. ] do you remember any of your dreams: yesssss [ .358. ] do you dream in color or black and white: both [ .359. ] do you admit when you need help with a problem: yeah usually [ .360. ] can people read you like a book: NO [ .361. ] what's your biggest fear: losing the person i love the most [ .362. ] do you talk a lot: yes [ .363. ] are you afraid of clowns: no [ .364. ] do you like bugs: i dont care about them [ .365. ] how about grape kool-aid: not my thing [ .366. ] can you drive: yeah ive got my permit [ .367. ] are you spoiled: no [ .368. ] are you anti-social: not really, I have been [ .369. ] do you see dumb people: all the time [ .370. ] do you see dead people: i have before [ .371. ] any last words: my fuckin back hurts [ .372. ] now that this is over, what are you going to do: die

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Subject: im wicked bored Time: 2:27 am. Mood: awake. Music: chimaira - sphere.

x. name = cant say.. just in case someone i dont want to sees this journal.. laura already found it.. and heather reads it..no one else is allowed except random bored people x. birthday = i shouldnt say x. piercings = none! x. tattoos = none.. now x. height = 5'0 x. shoe size = 7? x. hair color = brown x. length = medium/long x. siblings = younger sis x. pets = 1 dog 2 cats last... x. movie you rented = darkness falls x. movie you bought = salems lot.. vampires hehehe x. song you listened to = Chimaira.. Forced Life x. song that was stuck in your head = Lacuna Coil.. To Live Is To Hide x. song you've downloaded = some earth crisis song x. cd you bought = death metal mix called UNCORRUPTED STEAL x. cd you listened to = chimaira.. pass out of existence x. person you've called = heather x. person that's called you = cory x. tv show you've watched = 7th heaven... so gay! x. person you were thinking of = andrew do... x. you have a bf or gf = no x. you have a crush on someone = der x. you wish you could live somewhere else = sometimes i want to live somewhere a lil colder x. you think about suicide = very very very very rarely x. you believe in online dating = no its stupid x. you want more piercings = no x. you want more tattoos = i dont have one, but i would want one x. you drink = yeah x. you do drugs = it doesnt matter if i do or not.. cuz my parents think i do x. you smoke = not usually x. you like cleaning = no i dont clean x. you like roller coasters = YES x. you write in cursive or print = print x. you carry a donor card = no.. hands off my organs for or against.. x. long distance relationships = against.. unless im in love like crazy x. using someone = against.. usually x. suicide = for x. killing people = for x. teenage smoking = dont care x. doing drugs = for x. premarital sex = for x. driving drunk = against x. soap operas = they keep my grandma alive.. so FOR! best.. x. gum = trident x. tv show = jackass or the osbournes x. thing in the world = sex x. thing to collect = used condoms x. color of all time = black x. thing to do on a rainy day = make out in the rain x. feeling in the world = orgasm favorite... x. food = pizza x. song = too many to name x. thing to do = anything thats bad! x. thing to talk about = sex x. sports = band x. drink = root beer x. clothes = ones that fit x. picture = yearbook pics of my friends x. movies = horror movies x. band = dredg x. holiday = my birthday x. cars = i dont care have you... x. ever lied to someone = yes x. ever been in a fist fight = of course! x. ever been arrested = no what... x. shampoo do you use = herbal essence x. perfume do you use = vanilla x. shoes do you wear = shoes.. x. are you scared of = broken hearts, old people porn, gettin caught number... x. of times I have been in love?: i have no idea x. of continents I have lived in?: 1 x. of drugs taken illegally?: i dont know exactly x. of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends?: heather, ken, jessica s, jessica c, and laura.. even thought i dont talk to her much.. i just feel i can trust her w/anything.. especially cuz she knows about ken x. of people I consider my enemies?: dont go there x. of cd's that I own?: way over 100 x. of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: 2.. maybe x. of scars on my body?: umm, a few.. my favorite is the one on my knee where my sis bit me 10 yrs ago x. of things in my past that I regret?: too broad of a question Have you/are you/do you.... x. Considered a life of crime? yeah x. Considered being a hooker? yeah x. Considered being a pimp? no.. x. Are you psycho? all the time x. Split personalities? yes x. Schizophrenic? not usually.. but sometimes we are x. Obsessive? yes x.Obsessive comulsive? no x. Panic? yes x. Anxiety? yes!!!!!! x. Depressed? no x. Suicidal? no x. Obsessed with hate? yes x. Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore? yes x. Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them? yes x. Understanding: yes x. Open-minded: yes

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Subject: i dont sleep anymore Time: 2:10 am. Mood: awake. Music: BEYOND THE EMBRACE - against the elements.

// YOUR ROOM, WAKING UP // 01. What color are your walls? white 02. What color is your bedspread/sheets? white 03. What color is your rug? white carpet 04. Any posters/bulletin boards/designs in your room? yep 05. Do you have a TV? no 06. Do you have a phone? no 07. Do you have your own computer? no 08. Do you have a desk? yep but i dont use it except to clutter it up w/random shit 09. What are your most treasured belongings in your room? cds 10. What are your most favorite things in your room? my cds and my clothes 11. Do you have any fancy lights in your room? a glitter lamp and a disco light // GETTING READY // 01. What is the first thing you do when you wake up? go back to sleep 02. Anything unusual? no, its normal for me to sleep all during the day 03. Do you pick out your clothes the night before school? yeah 04. Do you try your best to look cute for school? not cute, but i try to look my best // SCHOOL // 01. What color is your backpack? black 02. Do you try your best when it comes to school work? fuck no 03. Do you listen or doodle? doodle and listen to music 04. BE QUIET - we all know you doodle, but what do you doodle? stars and i write poems/songs 05. Do you eat your cafeteria food, or go out? i bring my lunch and eat everyone elses too 06. What do you do right when schools over? get online // HOME // When you come home are you. . . 01. Miserable? usually not 02. Happy? of course.....not 03. Tired? yeah 04. LEAVE ME ALONE? thats my quote! // OTHER // 01. Do you take walks around your neighborhood sometimes? only when the guy i like is outside.. 02. What are some hobbies of yours? music, takin surveys, bein a bitch, giving head.. 03. Do you collect anything? cds, bad report cards 04. What do you do in your spare time? listen to music, talk dirty to guys 05. Are you in love, or at least falling? yeah probably // NIGHT TIME // 01. What do you do before you go to bed? go to bed 02. Do you kiss your parents/guardians goodnight? no 03. What way do you sleep (ex: on your side, tummy, etc.)? curled up on my side.... alone 04. Do you like your life? sometimes //YOUR LAST// Last cigarette: a month ago Last kiss: a few nights ago Last good cry: a few nights ago Last library book checked out: i cant remember far back like that Last movie seen: darkness falls Last book finished: i said i dont remember 2nd grade!! Last cuss word uttered: shit! Last beverage drank: root beer Last food consumed: pudding Last crush: ken Last phone call: heather Last tv show watched: 7th heaven... gay Last time showered: this morning Last shoes worn: flip flops Last cd played: beyond the embrace - against the elements Last item bought: 2 death metal mix cds at FYE Last downloaded: lacuna coil/the gathering - shrink (live) Last annoyance: my sis Last disappointment: my plan at the mall failed!! Last thing written: this Last key used: car key Last words spoken: shit! Last sleep: last night Last IM: cory Last sexual fantasy: well it was 5 seconds ago.... Last weird encounter: danny IMed me Last ice cream eaten: some chocolate stuff Last time amused: today at the mall! Last time in love: now Last time hugged: a few nights ago when ken was over Last time scolded: a few hours ago Last time resentful: today Last chair sat in: this one im in now.. it hurts my back though Last lipstick used: i hate lipstick Last underwear worn: black ones ;) Last bra worn: white one im wearin now Last shirt worn: green shirt Last time dancing: i guess TWIRP Last poster looked at: system of a down Last show attended: cant remember Last webpage visited: www.bravewords.com //WHERE WERE YOU// 1 MINUTE AGO: typing this 1 HOUR AGO: online 1 DAY AGO: home.. sleeping 1 WEEK AGO: in kens arms 1 YEAR AGO: gettin over tyler.. lol //CURRENT// Current clothes: green shirt, green pajama pants Current mood: awake Current music: Beyond The Embrace - Compass Current taste: dry spit Current hair: down Current annoyance: back pain Current smell: vanilla Current thing I should be doing: sleeping Current desktop picture: dimmu borgir Current refreshment: nothing Current worry: sex w/ken //SOME MORE// 1. What do you most like about your body?: lips 2. And least?: thighs butt stomach and hips 3. How many fillings do you have?: i have no clue 4. Do you think you're good looking?: not really 5. Do other people often tell you that you're good looking? sometimes 6. Do you look like any celebrities?: no

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Subject: here we go again Time: 12:58 pm. Mood: blank. Music: BURNT BY THE SUN - boston tea bag party.

{x} Fallen for your best guy friend? yes {x} Made out with JUST a friend? yes {x} Been rejected? yes {x} Been in love? yes {x} Used someone? yes {x} Cheated on someone? yes {x} Been cheated on? yes {x} Done something you regret? lots of things Who was the last person... {x} You touched? my dog {x} You talked to? jess {x} You hugged? ken {x} You instant messaged? heather {x} You yelled at? my mom Have you/are you/do you.... {x} Considered being a hooker? yeah! {x} Considered being a pimp? no... {x} Split personalities? yep {x} Schizophrenic? sometimes {x} Obsessive? with some things {x} Panic? occasionally {x} Anxiety? yeah.. really bad {x} Depressed? usually not {x} Suicidal? no {x} Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore? yes {x} Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them? yes {x} Color your hair: i have before {x} Have tattoos: no {x} Piercings: no {x} Have a boyfriend? no {x} Own a webcam? yes {x} Ever get off the damn computer? only when im pulled outta the chair {x} Habla espanol? non.. je parle francais On preferences.... {x} Chocolate milk or hot chocolate? hot chocolate {x} McDonalds or Burger King? McDonalds {x} Marry the perfect lover or the perfect friend? perfect lover {x} Sweet or sour? sweet {x} Root Beer or Dr. Pepper? root beer {x} Sappy/action/comedy/horror? horror {x} Cats or dogs? catdog {x} Ocean or Pool? pool {x} With or without ice-cubes? without! i hate icecubes {x} Shine or rain? depends {x} Winter/Summer/Fall/Spring? fall or winter {x} Vanilla or Chocolate? chocolate {x} Gloves or mittens? gloves {x} Eyes open or closed? closed {x} Fly or breathe under water? fly {x} Bunk-bed or waterbed? bunk bed {x} Chewing gum or hard candy? gum {x} Motor boat or sailboat? motor boat {x} Lights on or off? off {x} Chicken or fish? chicken

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Subject: LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!! Time: 2:16 pm. Mood: angry. Music: DROWNING POOL - bodies.

this is an example of what church does to you: zac: hey me: whats up? zac: ******....... i need to talk to u me: ok me: im listenin zac: that whole thing u sent me and u and that guy last night or wen ever..... im sory but that really kinda bothers me me: really? me: how zac: im just not like that me: thats ok zac: i know me: u dont have to be zac: but it bugs me that u r and ... zac: uhg me: what part bugs u zac: the whole thing me: well im not seeing him again zac: im just not all like into doin all that stuff zac: i know its not him zac: idc who it is me: thats ok if ur not zac: its the idea of the stuff it self me: i thought uve done stuff zac: some yes zac: but nuthing at all like that me: do u think its wrong? zac: idk zac: i just know that im not like that me: thats fine with me zac: and i usualy dont go with people like that :-\ zac: im sory me: people like what zac: that do sooo much stuff like that me: i dont have to do it again me: or do it with u zac: :-\still.... me: i dont understand zac: i just dont know as to if i want to get involved with someone who has done soo much stuff like that me: do u know why u feel like that? me: i really havent done stuff that much me: i can easily live without it zac: its nothing against u ..... zac: but i just dont like the idea that u have done all that with other guys zac: i really dont zac: and i dont like to get involved with people that have done that alot me: before u acted like everything was ok zac: but then i thought about everything and it botherd me more and more me: is there anything i can do to change that? zac: im sory but i dont think so me: i dont know what to say me: do u think i would do that stuff with someone else again? me: if we dont do anything like that i wouldnt care zac: i know zac: but knowing how u have dont that stuff with other people just its not like me zac: and i know u dont have to do anything with me me: so u dont want to give me a chance? zac: but it doesnt change wut u have done in the past me: i dont want to change what ive done zac: i know zac: and the things u have done are just not like m zac: e me: r u worried that if we went out that i would do that with someone else? zac: i know u wouldnt zac: no zac that doesnt have anything to do with it zac: its just that i dont like to date people that have done alot of stuff like that zac: im sory if it offends u but thats just not me me: well me: i dunno what i can do about that me: im really shocked me: i thought everything was perfect zac: :-\im sory zac: but ******... thats just how i am and im not going to change my ways and say all that stuff was ok me: so whats gonna happen now zac: idk ******.... me: i thought it was ok before zac: but i cant get involved with u zac: i thought it was too zac: but the more i thought about it zac: the more it botherd me me: but why? me: sorry i got disconnected zac: k me: so me: .. zac: im sory zac: but i just cant .... zac: i cant get involved with u me: u cant just ignore what ive done?? zac: no zac: i cant zac: im sory it came to this zac: but i really cant me: ok me: so im not comin over tuesday zac: im sory me: well what do i tell my parents? zac: well the thing is u couldnt come over anyway because my dad has a meeting with some achatect about somethin for our church zac: and no one would be home zac: i tried to call u tonight and tell u but the line was busy me: oh me: i was on the phone some zac: then my mom got on the phone and i couldnt use it me: i wondered why u didnt call zac: yeah zac: sory zac: thats y i didnt me: its ok zac: look... its nothing against u .. i just cant get involved zac: cuz its not me me: ok zac: ive got to go now zac: good night me: bye me: u dont know what ur missin.. zac: maybe not.... but right now im not going to find out me: whatever me: bye zac: bye (i starred out my name) and this convo was from 1 oclock this morning.. i was sad then but now i dont care

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Subject: amazing........... Time: 11:16 am. Mood: giddy. Music: NORMA JEAN - face: face.

woah.. JESSIES PARTY: friday - saturday.. it was great. i ate a ton and met some nice new people. we all got along well. 2 people didnt sleep at all. i slept for an hour or so. THE MOVIES: i was hoping that me and andrew were gonna go.. but he made other plans and so do i.. he thought i was mad at him but nooooo i wasnt. DINNER: i went to dinner with my family. blah. HERES THE GOOD PART!!! ken came over about 8:45. my parents were mad cuz they wanted me to spend time with them. my parents and my sister watched the exorcist downstairs. me and ken went upstairs. we went into my room and layed on my bed. we talked for a few minutes and i held him close to me. then we left and went into my parents room cuz its not as easy to get caught in there. i layed down and he got on top of me. we made out some. then he pulled up shirt and felt my boobs... i wish he could have sucked on them alllll day. then he pulled down my pants. he switched between using his tongue, his fingers, and a long cylindrical object. it felt better than any other time. it was absolutely amazing. it was hard for me to keep quiet.. i wanted to scream it felt so good. after that stuff was done, we sat up and i gave him head. then we went into the computer room and talked. i cried a bunch because i got really sad. i dont feel like typing out everything we talked about.. but most of it had to do with zac andrew and maggie. next we went downstairs and ate ice cream. after that we went upstairs and got online.. i didnt know what to say to him so i just put my arms around him and put my head on his shoulder. we sat like that for a while. we started kissing and he put his hand down my pants. it was hard for him to finger me in the position that we were in so i lifted up my shirt instead. it feels so good to have him play with my boobs. we got up and went into my parents' bathroom. i gave him head again. he had to leave then (it was 12)

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Subject: guys Time: 11:48 am. Mood: blank. Music: SOILWORK - the chainheart machine.

things are going better with me and zac. im starting to like him alot more. andrew and i are probably going to a movie saturday. i cant wait!! but ken is being the normal jackass that he is.. hes still going places with maggie (i dont know how the hell he can fit her in his car!!) but they dont do anything more than kiss. he comes to see me when he wants a BJ. why do i care about him so much??? id do anything for that guy...

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