| So what do you say...your coffin or mine? |
[21 Mar 2004|01:52am] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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music |
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Alkaline Trio - Blue in the Face |
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I really just don't know anymore. Aren't I supposed to be happy? I used to be, well at least I thought I was. But if life has taught me anything, its that nothing is ever as perfect as it may seem. The sad part is, I'm pretty sure its my fault. I'd love to blame this all on you to somehow justify what I'm doing. But I can't. I'm sorry. I really honestly am. You mean so much to me, and all I really want right now is to be with you. All week long I was looking forward to spending time with you, and now nothing. I understand how hard it is for you to come here. I'm not mad at you, just the situation. I'm sorry. Maybe I'll be totally wrong and we can spend tomorrow together, even if its just laying on the couch together, or another meal at Chik-Fil-A...whatever you want.
I know I should be sleeping now, but I think my mind has forgotten how. The past few weeks have been some of the hardest, yet best, I've ever had. Thats what makes it even more weird. How can something be so great yet so bad? So now I'll go up to my room and pretend to sleep while in reality I'm pondering what the fuck is so wrong with me until I've had enough and I take another dose of Ambien to give me some more fucked up dreams.
Speaking of fucked up dreams...I've definitly had some lately. It really makes me wonder if dreams really are you're subconscious telling you what you really want, or just random bits of memory pieced together with no real meaning. Part of me really hopes its the latter...otherwise I'm fucked. Perhaps I'm only asking this for validation, while I really know my dreams are just showing me what I've been struggling to forget for so long.
Isn't it amazing how the philosopher in me comes out so late at night?
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| left me with all the reasons why I was wrong for you |
[21 Mar 2004|10:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Yellowcard - Firewater |
] |
So I guess thats it. I knew we were having problems, but I thought we could work through it. I really wasn't angry last night, just sad that we weren't together, and now I guess we never will be. I don't even know what to think. I'm just...oh man...I miss you already.
In other bad news, at work today I slammed the cash drawer on my fingers. I think one may be broken. I also knocked a box off the shelf onto my head. I have a giant bloody gash now. Oh well...I've got other stuff to worry about. I guess I won't be sleeping again tonight...
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