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[04 Apr 2004|11:00pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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music |
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Catch 22 - Keasbey Nights |
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Hot damn (or should i say sweet beans)....i love spring break.
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[01 Apr 2004|07:29pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
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music |
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Buffalo Springfield - For What It's Worth |
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So now I get to pretend I'm all hardcore. I finally got my eyebrow pierced. The guy who did it was named Jaque. He was pretty kick ass. He had a lisp, which made him even cuter. Allie rocks cuz she came with me when no one else would. Thanks Allie! I came home with it and my mom started screaming. Shes pretty pissed off, but meh...she'll get over it.
In other news, tomorrow is the last day before spring break. I can't wait. Me and Mudge leave at noon tomorrow to go see my sis. It'll be fun, cause I havent gotten to visit her at all this year, and I wanna meet her roommates and all.
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| sorry I can't be perfect |
[30 Mar 2004|11:35pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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music |
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Simple Plan - Perfect |
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So yea, its by a crappy band, but it so totally catches what I'm feeling right now. I just had a huge ass fight with my mom about me. Apparently I'm just not good enough.
*Her list of complaints
-I lay around too much
(too bad the meds i've been on have the main side effect of drowsiness, and ive been in and out of doc offices for the past 3 months...sorry I'm a lil tired)
-I'm getting horrible grades
(so getting accepted to 4 of the best schools on the east coast isnt good enough? Do I need scholarships too? Well between 3 schools, i've been offered $60,000...so fuck you)
-I'm going nowhere in life
(Fuck you. As soon as I can i'm getting out of here, so you don't have to wittness me wasting my life away. I'm gonna be something someday, even if no one else thinks so...)
-I'm a bitch
(this ones easy, I'm only a bitch to those people who are bitches to me first. Try acting like you actually want me around and that I'm not just a huge disappointment and i'll consider easing up on the bitchyness)
-I dress like I just don't care
(Its called individuality. Maybe they didn't have it in your day, but its who I am. I'm sorry I dont wear abercrombie and spend an hour getting ready every morning, but I honestly think there are more important things in life. I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks, especially you.)
-and more, the above are just some of the best...
So fuck you. I'm gonna be gone soon, and I know you wont miss me, but dont worry, I wont miss you either. Fuck you.
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[29 Mar 2004|10:29pm] |
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mood |
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relieved |
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music |
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The Movielife - If Only Duct Tape Could Fix Everything |
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So today was kinda scary. On Saturday the doc called and changed up my meds, cause apparently I was doing really well and didn't need some of the other stuff. Then today I woke up and completely felt like shit. I just attributed it to getting NO sleep last night. Then I was in 1st period today and copying notes off the board, and I couldn't focus on anything. The words were all moving around and shit. Then the walls started spinning and rocking back and forth. I barely made it down to the clinic. The dumbass lady didnt want me to call my mom and said I was making up my symptoms. Fucker....
Anyways, I went to the doc right after my mom picked me up. She said the medicine was reacting with me somehow and that I needed to be taken off it immediately or I would have heart and liver damage. They gave me some other kinda pill to neutralize the other ones I took that were fucking me up. I finally was outta the doc's office by abour 6, and I was supposed to be at work at 3. I called them, and Marc was cool about it, so I hope its all good. I went to sleep like as soon as I got home, and just woke up about 10 min ago. The sad thing is that I'm still tired....really tired.
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| i just wanna believe |
[28 Mar 2004|10:29pm] |
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mood |
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 listless |
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music |
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Brand New - Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't |
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coordinate brain and mouth.
then ask me whats it like to have
myself so figured out.
i wish i knew...
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[25 Mar 2004|07:49pm] |
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mood |
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 angry |
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music |
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Nightfall - Philosophy of Time Travel |
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Um yea....fuck you.
ok...thats all....
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| when everything you'll get is everything that you wanted... |
[23 Mar 2004|11:32pm] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
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music |
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Taking Back Sunday - Cute Without the E (Cut from the Team) |
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I always try to fool myself into thinking I'm an intellegent person, a logical person....but I'm really just a stupid hopeless romantic in the worst possible way. I'm desperate for attention and seek it in the most destructive places. I keep proving this to myself over and over again, but haven't actually admitted it until now. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Im just...ugh. I guess I'm just mad at myself for letting him trick me into going over tonight. I never even questioned why the hell he was still here, I just ran over as soon as he asked, hoping he had decided he made a mistake. But no, he just didn't want to leave it quite as open as it was before...I guess me storming out wasn't really the best idea. You never really know how much something can hurt until the one person you know you care about tells you that you're "just not worth it anymore." And yes, thats what he said. I keep hearing it in my head over and over again.
"And I've made up my mind,
I'd be better off alone.
Love is just a waste of time."
~Matchbook Romance
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[22 Mar 2004|11:32pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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music |
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silence |
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So yea...my head hurts like a bitch, my heart is...well...not so good, and i got accepted to Boston University. Its my second choice school. yay....
somehow its hard for me to be happy with so much shit going down in my life...at least I can look forward to starting all over...
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| i love the way you roll excuses off the tip of your tongue as i slowly fall apart |
[22 Mar 2004|10:04pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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Taking Back Sunday - Greatest Romances of the 20th Century |
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yea...I'm still not in the best of moods. It meant way too much to me to roll off that easily. I haven't even really told anyone yet. Just becca, mudge and holly. Theyre the only ones that really matter anyways...the only ones who wont just be like ok get over it. I miss you, and if you ever change your mind, I'm willing to work on it. I'm still here.
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| left me with all the reasons why I was wrong for you |
[21 Mar 2004|10:06pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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music |
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Yellowcard - Firewater |
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So I guess thats it. I knew we were having problems, but I thought we could work through it. I really wasn't angry last night, just sad that we weren't together, and now I guess we never will be. I don't even know what to think. I'm just...oh man...I miss you already.
In other bad news, at work today I slammed the cash drawer on my fingers. I think one may be broken. I also knocked a box off the shelf onto my head. I have a giant bloody gash now. Oh well...I've got other stuff to worry about. I guess I won't be sleeping again tonight...
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| So what do you say...your coffin or mine? |
[21 Mar 2004|01:52am] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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Alkaline Trio - Blue in the Face |
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I really just don't know anymore. Aren't I supposed to be happy? I used to be, well at least I thought I was. But if life has taught me anything, its that nothing is ever as perfect as it may seem. The sad part is, I'm pretty sure its my fault. I'd love to blame this all on you to somehow justify what I'm doing. But I can't. I'm sorry. I really honestly am. You mean so much to me, and all I really want right now is to be with you. All week long I was looking forward to spending time with you, and now nothing. I understand how hard it is for you to come here. I'm not mad at you, just the situation. I'm sorry. Maybe I'll be totally wrong and we can spend tomorrow together, even if its just laying on the couch together, or another meal at Chik-Fil-A...whatever you want.
I know I should be sleeping now, but I think my mind has forgotten how. The past few weeks have been some of the hardest, yet best, I've ever had. Thats what makes it even more weird. How can something be so great yet so bad? So now I'll go up to my room and pretend to sleep while in reality I'm pondering what the fuck is so wrong with me until I've had enough and I take another dose of Ambien to give me some more fucked up dreams.
Speaking of fucked up dreams...I've definitly had some lately. It really makes me wonder if dreams really are you're subconscious telling you what you really want, or just random bits of memory pieced together with no real meaning. Part of me really hopes its the latter...otherwise I'm fucked. Perhaps I'm only asking this for validation, while I really know my dreams are just showing me what I've been struggling to forget for so long.
Isn't it amazing how the philosopher in me comes out so late at night?
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| Happy St. Patricks Day! |
[17 Mar 2004|10:04pm] |
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mood |
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excited |
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music |
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Paint By Numbers - Decorate Your Pavement |
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I'm the Speaker of the House. I have the ultimate power. Well ok, its just for the senior class model congress, but still...its pretty tight. Bucky is the president, so thats cool. All he has is veto power though...I'm the one that gets to control all the proceedings and pick which bills we debate. So I told Bucky I'd get his bills passed as long as he didn't veto mine. Yay for government corruption...hahaha. Model congress is actually a lot more fun than I thought it'd be, but that may just be because I have no really work and get to yell at people all day.
So last night was the Three Days Grace concert. It was me, Peter and Alex. FUN times, except when fat ass baby face sat on me. That fucker smelled like ass...But it was still awesome. Me and Peter made friends with this kid named Jeff. He lives in Woodbridge and is prolly gonna go to Story of the Year with us in April. Thats gonna be one kick ass show.
Before the show we ate at the Asmara Cafe...its that random little shithole across the street from the 930 Club. I was the only white person in there...it was scary cuz i swear there were bullet holes in the wall...But the wings were good.
BIG news today. I finally got into a real college! I got accepted to American....with a FULL SCHOLARSHIP for all four years! That means if I go there we only have to pay about $7000 for room and board. American was my last choice of my non-backup schools, but if theyre gonna offer me that kinda money, then I'm definitly gonna reconsider it. And hey...DC's my city.
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| lovin is what i got |
[14 Mar 2004|09:05pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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music |
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Sublime - What I Got |
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Now I feel bad. I didn't realize how certain people felt, but now I understand. I'm not mad anymore. I'm actually pretty happy, except that he left for richmond again and I dont get to see him for a week. But hey...I bought a kick ass clubbin outfit today and a fun wristband that says "kiss me, I'm a pirate." All in all, a pretty good day. Now I get to write two bills for model congress on god knows what since I have NO idea...peace.
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| never ran away for the sake of scars... |
[14 Mar 2004|12:50am] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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music |
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Alkaline Trio - Crawl |
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I really wish people would say what they mean. If you say something is ok, and then get pissed off about it later...well then youre a fuckin hypocrite. I dont like hypocrites. My friends are my friends, just fucking deal with it. And never try and have a serious conversation with me if youre drunk. I guess we'll work this out tomorrow, I hope....I WANT this to work, I just hope someone can get over it. But for now, I'm in a fuckin bad mood...people can suck sometimes....
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| you're stuck to me everyday |
[04 Mar 2004|03:47pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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music |
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Alkaline Trio - Every Thug Needs a Lady |
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Last night was I think the cutest thing anyone has ever done for me. I was at work and bored out of my mind in a bad mood cause I was tired as shit. Fuckin meds have me like an insomniac. But anyways, Steve texted me asking when I was going on break, and told me to call him so we could talk. When I walked out of the store over to my car he was waiting there for me. He had come up to see some friends, but came to visit me at work and take me to Chik-Fil-A. Ah that was so awesome. It sucks only seeing him on weekends. But I got to see him on Wed, and tomorrow we're gonna hang out all day after I get off school. I cant wait:)
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| to the heart now... |
[27 Feb 2004|08:39pm] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
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music |
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Noise Rachet - Away to the Heart |
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It was Fun Friday today. Went to Becca's. We got fucked up. Went to the mall with Lex. Got in trouble at Pac Sun. Went back to Beccas. Her dad found us drinking upstairs. Huge fight followed and I just kinda snuck out. Gonna go cosmic bowling soon with my girls tho, so that should put me in a better mood.
In other news, I have about 15 hours to make my decision, and I guess I'm pretty sure what I want. (if you dont kno what im talkin about, then nevermind). But I'm so afraid that I'm just a dumbass who will make bad decisions forever. Its definitly happened before....but you know what? I can't wait to see you. So that helps. We always talk together and have fun. So yea....tomorrow....we'll see....
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| i guess i knew it all along |
[24 Feb 2004|11:49pm] |
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mood |
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 restless |
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music |
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Midtown - All Along |
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So I'm pretty sure I know what I'm gonna do now. I haven't been sleeping since Sunday, so its time I made a decision and put my wandering mind to rest. We'll see how it all works out on Saturday, I guess...I keep thinking I finally know what I want when the little demon on my shoulder whispers in my ear that I'm only gonna end up hurting the ones that I love. Well fuck that. I have my decision made, and I'm gonna stick with it, for better or worse. But I hope its for better. I really honestly do care. My brain tells me I'm doing whats best, my heart tells me its headed for disaster. So I'm down to the age old question of who wins out between heart and mind.
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| all I need to know is that I'm something you'll be missing... |
[23 Feb 2004|10:35pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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Taking Back Sunday - You're So Last Summer |
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I'm so damn confused. Oh man...Its my fault though, I guess. If I only could figure out what I really wanted. I don't want to hurt anyone, and its leading me only to hurt myself. This whole thing is tearing me up inside. I'm sorry. To everyone. I just wanted you all to know that I'm not hurting anyone on purpose.
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| and I swear it's my last try |
[22 Feb 2004|10:23pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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Less Than Jake - Look What Happened |
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Well, a lot of shit has happened since my last entry, and its only been 3 days. Some people who I thought were my friends seem to not want to talk to me, and havent given any reasons at all. Apparently I use people. If you have a problem with me, tell me. Thats the only way to work something out. How can I try and make it better if I don't even know why its wrong?
Last night was either really good, or really bad. I haven't quite decided yet. Sam invited me to a party at his friend Chris's house, cuz he knew I didn't really have any plans. I go in, get a drink, talking with some people and Steve comes over. I was like what the fuck. I havent seen him since about september, when I kinda just stopped answering his calls. We went outside to talk, and ended up kinda hooking up. I think I might have made a big mistake, or perhaps it was good. He called me at work cause he said we needed to talk. So I called, and I think he wants a relationship with me. He's visiting friends again next weekend, so we're gonna figure it out then. Damn I'm so confused. I'm really not sure what I want.
I don't want to hurt anyone, or use anyone. Steve is a nice guy and love hanging out with him, and I don't wanna just keep hooking up with him and leading him on. So maybe I do want a relationship with him. But then again, if the feelings arent there, its not fair to him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated....
So now I'm off to try and fix the problems and confusion in my life. Peace
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| yea, this about sums it up |
[19 Feb 2004|11:26pm] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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music |
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Homegrown - I Hate Myself |
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Deep down inside me, I feel I need a change.
So sick of everything, it all just seems the same.
Always unhappy, I cannot find a smile.
Wasting my life away, I guess you can call it suicide.
My life's a waste.
Nothing left for me to hate.
I hate myself. I have no friends.
I'm treading water, I'm struggling by the edge.
I'm sitting here all alone, I just can't lose myself.
My friends ignore me, they think my life's a waste.
They're now my enemies, all of which I hate
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