Taking Over My Mind's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Taking Over My Mind

[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[29 Mar 2006|10:04pm]

I think I'm borderline.
Can somebody help me?
2 comments|post comment

why is life so fucking complicated?! [28 Mar 2006|11:23pm]

[ mood | crazy ]

life is so complicated for me! some would say that we create our own problems...my aunt says that about my cousin...........men are complicated, love & sex are both complicated! Well sex isn't really, but it seems to make things complicated sometimes! Addiction is fucking complicated & I hate it! Blah!!!!!!!!!
I'm not standing there w/my arms up saying "Why me, why me?" but sometimes I wonder if I attract complicated things & people??!! I would love to have a drink or get high right now, but I can't do that b/c I will lose everything, my kids, all of it!!! I do not wanna go back there again! Ever! The Gods have blessed me many times over....why am I being so fucking ungrateful?! I'm stupid! Out.

post comment

[05 Mar 2006|02:12pm]

[ mood | calm ]
[ music | On and On - Longpigs ]

Hi i'm new here :D

My mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia about 20 years ago (im 17) and ive been having a really difficult time getting along with her.

im just wondering if anyone else is in the same situation as me?

2 comments|post comment

Crazy people.....do they know that they are crazy??? [28 Feb 2006|12:53am]

[ mood | curious ]

I've heard this said before: that crazy people never know that they are really crazy.
does anyone here believe that? i think that maybe i do sometimes, it kind of makes sense I guess...???
like, wouldn't i know if I was fucked up a little or kind of off or whatever, yeah probably, but I mean like Dahmer or Manson crazy...more like sick...I know that they were sick in their minds, they had to be right?! But like I don't think that they knew or thought that they were crazy...just wanted to get that out & see what you guys thought? Sometimes I swear that I myself am nuts, but then like theres this rational side that I still have so i can't be too far gone right? well, not yet anyways!

5 comments|post comment

kill me now [29 Feb 2004|12:19am]
[ mood | awake ]

I don't know if I have a mental disorder. I probably don't, I just think I have one, or I do and I think I have one and thus think I DON'T, because one can't possibly know-- even if one is told-- that they have a mental disorder. Or an eating disorder.

I'd just deny it, anyway.

I took a Trazodone the other day. one hundred and fifty milligrams. I'm not sure if I wanted to kill myself, or if I just wanted to get high. It was probably the latter. I slept for seventeen straight hours and then ten the next night. The there's tonight. I haven't been to bed yet, and though it's only twelve, I feel I should but I don't want to. Sleep is for the weak. As it stands, I'm very, very weak....

This afternoon, out of the corner of my eye I saw a hand grab at me out of the food cabinet. I closed it as quick as possible to avoid conflict.

And there's another thing. I hate disembodied hands. And zombies. And dinosaurs. They all scare me. And there's this guy, who I'm so obsessed with, but he hates me so much. A lot of people hate me. I don't know why. They act like they like me but after a while, they really show through. You can't trust anyone.

I blame Hitler for this. If I could go back in time, I would slap him and call him a Nazi. Then he would say, 'Yeah, I know'. In German, though, because... well, he was German. Hitler wasn't even his real name.

Now 'Hitler' is more of a word, like, 'You're such a Hitler!'. It's funny how shit works out.

Anyway. Has anyone here seen Pi?

1 comment|post comment

[13 Oct 2003|11:02pm]

hi, im new..
i know somethings wrong with me, i am insane.. sometimes i have no idea wtf im doing, and sometimes i do things just because of the mood im in, (like for instance: today i made another hole in the wall)
:-\ sux dont it
2 comments|post comment

[10 Oct 2003|03:57pm]

I need 2 put these emotions into words, else I will not be able to deal with them. I feel…sick almost. I don’t know, like, there’s this heavy weight in the very bottom of my stomach and a huge lump in my throat and I don’t know why. I feel like I did 4 months ago. I feel like I might explode unless I find a way to vent these feelings.

I want to feel that cool blade, I want that instant relief, I feel like a balloon that has too much air in it, and I just want something to make a hole in me to let the air out, to let me deflate, relax, sleep. I cannot sleep like this. I just want to score a line in my skin. Just one. One can’t hurt. Just that one tiny cut. Not deep. It won’t scar. Just a scratch. Like a cat scratched me. Just a tiny drop of blood. Not too much. Just that little bit…………..just once can’t hurt can it?

But if I do, if I find the wire, the scissors, the razor, whatever, what then? Will it stop there? Just that one time? Its like an addiction. A drug. Its another form of heroin. Of drink. You develop the addiction. You kick the habit. But just one more hit, just one more drop…and that’s it. Wham bam and off you go, back down the slippery slope. It would be that easy.

I can’t cry. Its not that I don’t want to…..i want to desperately, I want to cry out these emotions, I want that relief, but I cannot physically do it. I feel like some kind of ice queen, who cannot express emotion. Perhaps it is because I have been bottling these emotions up, and they are spilling over, perhaps I should have listened when people warned me not to bottle it up. Perhaps they were right. Perhaps not. I don’t know. All I know is I cannot cry.

I woke up this morning feeling like this. I couldn’t face college. So I didn’t go. I just slept for most of the day. I felt so lethargic. So tired. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t eat. Just felt sick. I was sitting in the bath earlier and I couldn’t do anything. I just sat there for about an hour. Not thinking. Not doing anything, just sitting there with the water growing cold around me. a razor was sitting on the side. I couldn’t even bring myself to touch it. to look at it even. I just stared at….at nothing.

Depression is a disease. A virus. Once you have it, you always have it. You cannot kick it. You have good days. You have bad days. Today is a bad day I guess. I hate myself for it. I hate myself for being the way I am. I know I have to accept it. I have to learn to ‘love’ myself. But from where I'm standing, that is a very difficult thing to do right now. I mean look at me. I'm at a new college, doing a fantastic course, have made some really good friends, I have a car, I have everything. Yet still I feel this way. why? Why can’t I just kick it? Why can’t I turn around and face my problems and tell them to get the f**k out of my mind? Why?

I’ve been trying to work out what the reasons are. You see, its not like I’ve been sitting there feeling depressed and knowing the cause. I don’t actually know. I can’t physically see anything that could be the problem. Its all in my mind. I can’t hide from it. I can’t even hide my past from others around me. my new friends know about me. I think. well, its pretty obvious really isn’t it, with the scars and all. They don’t mention them, never had. They act as if they havn’t noticed, but of course they have, I sometimes catch them looking. Its obvious really. I havn’t said anything though. they know about Dave tho. And they know I didn’t complete my year. And they know I was on drugs, tho I let them believe that it was more serious than it actually was. I’d rather let them think that maybe I did what I did because I was off my face at the time and didn’t know what I was doing, rather than the fact that I knew exactly what I was doing and it was all me. I havn’t told them how I am feeling and have no intention of doing so. I let them believe that I am happy hyper bouncy glittery Sophie, slightly shy, but generally quite outgoing and I sit there and join in the discussions about which guys I like, what clothes I'm wearing to this party, and keep them up to date on my love life, or lack of, and just act like they want me to act. But then I get home and feel like this. I feel I lead a double life. I'm schizophrenic. I'm not but its how I feel.

I can’t tell anyone. I have noone I can talk to. the one thing I want most is to talk and I can’t. I can’t talk to my college friends, cause I don’t want them to know. I can’t talk to my old friends, cause I want them to think that I'm better. I can’t talk to my parents cause I hurt them so badly last time and its only just starting to get better, I don’t want it to slip back. I can’t see a doctor because I can’t get to one without my parents knowing. I can’t talk to adam because I don’t want him to think I'm still the same, and I don’t have any friend close enough to talk to. I don’t have a boyfriend, I have noone. I'm stuck. All I have is this stupid journal. This is the only way I can tell someone how I feel. And I am thankful that someone might read this, and appreciate that, but I don’t know who you are. I cannot get a hug and have you tell me its all going to be ok, everything will work out. I want physical contact here. I want someone to hold me and comfort me and make me feel safe, cause right now that’s the last thing I feel. I feel on the edge of a cliff. I want to feel warm and safe and loved.

But I can’t let anyone close enough to me. I won’t let them in. I'm terrified to. if I let them in, then I don’t know what the consequences will be. And I'm grabbing what I have already and holding on for dear life and I cannot afford to lose one bit of what I have. So what am I to do. You tell me that. How can I make myself better? What the f**k is wrong with me?
4 comments|post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]