"I got my Mojo Working"   
03:35pm 08/09/2004
 
mood: crappy
music: ***Ambulance LTD...Primitive(The Way I Treat YOu)***
..*sigh*...Well..so begins another be-a-utiful day of rain, rain, and more rain!! I hate this rain, its so depressing..yeah..
So the day started off ok i suppouse. Went to the gym with miss Darcie, and ran the olyptical(sp) for 30 min and then that was it..I have no stanima when it comes to those things ha! So I some how managed to pull myself out of bed and go, working on about 3hrs of sleep..and now on two cookies and some juice..I'm feeling pretty peachy. The Library was a blast..let me tell you! Its so cold in there!! I guess they blast out the air in the air conditonar thing a' ma' bob...most normal people I'm sure are fine, while i sit there teething chattering..trying to figuring how to check out books, and listen to MaryAnn at the same time about what I'm doing wrong, and which side is my left! (cuz apparently I don't know that! bahh) Got some reading done and had a nice little chat with my friend Ryan who showed me how to put the books back the right way! lol hes a peach! very helpful might i add..lol
I really dont have much to talk about, besides the normal junk..like I hate this school, and I hate boys, and I hate people all together..oh god this is so emo!!! I'm going to go before i start cutting myself and writing a song in the blood
Call me~
 
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Danced around the broken blues..   
11:21pm 06/09/2004
 
mood: irate
music: **JD Natasha...Plastico**
and so comes another year at hell--i mean Westfield State...otherwise known as hell...
So lets get started shall we!!
Well Monday was the day we moved in, and I came up with Darcie..yeah her car made it up the whole way to school except when we decided to stop at a dunkin donuts for a drink and a pee stop..yeah her car stoped moving..so there i am sitting in the car, darcie crying cuz she ripped her pants on the phone with about 8million people..i ended up having to push the car and reasuring the retard of a lady at Triple A that i was absolutly sure that there was a Westfield MA and that i was in fact in it..well low and behold all we needed to do was jump the car and we had some random guy do it for us..and then we were off to another glorious year at Westfiled..
more like crap filled year...
So its only been the first week and i want to go home! like really really bad! i've already spent like the past two days looking at other schools..I mean it sucks! Everyone else i know is having a blast and i'm stuck alone as usal in my room misserable..and then i think to myself..maybe id be alone regardless where i go..my friend Robert tells me to wait, and that someday I'll be happy..but I want to be happy now.
Its just so hard! it really is..like all my friends live in antoher building, and i'm forced to hang out with certain people id really rather not be around, and having to bite my tounge and not say a word when certain subjects come up, because that certain someone has no right what so ever to talk about them in front of me, and say the things that he has...I find myself just wanting to see him trip every now and then or just choke on his food in the middle of lunch...it would give me gratification..and darcie wounders how i can just paint a smile on my face and pretend like everything is ok..and i can..quiet well even..but i wanna like tear off limbs and throw up every time his precence is near me..but i have to be happy, I have to act like everything is ok..cant let them know that ur misserable..and i told him that i didnt hate him..wich isn't all true...but whatever..i guess salvaging what little friendship i can is me being better than myself will let me be..i still wish to punch him the face..but whatever..i guess now that he knows that i don't hate him, he doesnt even have to try to talk to me anymore..not that he ever did in the first place..but whatever..
I spent an entire summer trying to heal myself from the crap that happend over the year..and some wounds heald up while new ones where ripped right thorugh me..
It was such a weird summer..the people i have been most closest to for the past year just sorta of dissapeared into there on world..and it was me and marc on the outside completly out of the loop. Sharon and Lauren had closed themsevles off from everyone now that they had boyfriends and such..and PAt..well pat is pat, but a little more meanier and vindictive of a pat..more of drunken pat than i would ever want him to be...but there are some things you just can't stop people from doing..
but through the loss of three amazing friends we gained darcie!!:) who is awsome might i add!! and the summer wasn't all of big waste..
Work was good, i worked at Gadzooks, and folded t-shirts..and spent allot of time with my family who i miss dearly at the moment..
At the end of the summer, i think i was ready to come back..I mean things couldn't get any worse right?
No!! things are just spinning around in a spiral of crap basicaly..it sucks..I mean i had such high hopes that everything was going to be better..and it hasn't gotten any better..i think a little worse than last year...this year i dont have anyone near me to hang out with..and Coke..well she has her friends who i like and all but i don't know..i don't think i connect with them..and sometiems i feel like they talk through me when i'm in the room..but whatever its not that big of a deal..i can deal...i just feel like i don' t whats going on sometiems..
I'm about ready to throw the towel in kids! i guess i'll just have to wait and see..i'm giving it till Novemeber and then if this school still continues to fester and boil in the hell that i made out to be..then..i'm gone! to who knows where..California..Boston, New York..Rome..i just need out..nothing will make me come back to th is school next year..they will have to drag me back kicking and screaming before i step foot back on this campus...and with that..i'm going to bed! night night!
 
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