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Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
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8:27 am - wow
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Its weird to finally realize something about yourself and your state of mind. Its awful to realize that I'm not happy. It has to do with no one except myself. I feel guilty not being happy because I know that I have an amazing life. I don't foresee this lasting long because I really do enjoy life. So I'm sorry if you have spoken to me and I haven't seen like myself. I'm working on it. I had a bit of a breakdown and cried for like three straight hours alone in this stupid house. YEa, I'm not a crier, it was weird. But anyhow thanks for the offers I got to talk, but really the only that can fix this is me. I feel actually physically ill now, but these clouds will part and my sun will shine. Thank u to the one person who has been understanding of me over the past ten years.
current mood:  depressed
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| Monday, May 9th, 2005
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11:32 am - This One's For You Bob Barker.
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The Price is Right is the shizzle. It reminds me of my Aunt Jo-Jo. She loved this damn show. Everyone wins a kia. Hooooouuurraaahhhh. oy okay i'm stealing this little listing activity from my buddy erin. So here's some ish about me:
Thirteen things you like:
1. Running
2. Bike Riding
3. Laughing
4. Reading
5. Traveling
6. Thrifting
7. Cooking
8. Sex
9. Movies
10. Time with family and friends (and funny old stories)
Twelve movies:
1. National Lampoons Xmas Vacation
2. Mrs. Doubtfire
3. Garden State
4. Finding Nemo
5. The Emperor's New Grove
6. Crash
7. Trading Places
8. The Terminal
9. Grosse Point Blank
10. Troop Beverly Hills
11. Big
12. Office Space
Eleven good bands/artists:
1. Saves the Day
2. Dashboard
3. Straylight Run
4. Billy Joel
5. Alkaline Trio
6. Modest Mouse
7. Spin Doctors
8. Nirvana
9. The Killers
10. Thursday
11. the used
Ten things about you ... physically:
1. Sad, sad feet.
2. Squinty eyes.
3. Little lips
4. Athletic legs
5. some ink
6. Short
7. the searle chin
8. blue/green eyes
9. pasty, i burn.
10. skinny fingers.
Nine favorite foods/drinks:
1. Gatorade
2. Iced Tea
3. Count Chocula
4. Buff Chk Dip
5. Yuengling
6. Red Wine
7. Bagels
8. Port Wine Cheese
9. Bread
Eight things you wear daily:
1. My Aunt's Claudgh Ring
2. plastic soda ring thing Ally put on my wrist April 2004
3. watch
4. industial bar (earing)
5. other earings
6. hair tie
7. clothes
8. Smile
Seven things that annoy you:
1. whining
2. the sound of ppl sucking their teeth
3. ignorant people
4. racist people
5. glass half empty people
6. bad breath
7. ovaltine commercials
Six things you touch everyday:
1. Bed
2. Toothbrush
3. Ear lobes and earings (nervous habbit)
4. toilet paper
5. myself (get ur mind out of the gutter)
6. light switches
Five shows you watch:
1. Nip/Tuck
2. 24
3. Friends
4. Connan
5. Old episodes of Ed
Four celebrities you have a crush on:
1. Topher Grace
2. Orlando Bloom
3. Adrian Brody
4. Tom Hanks, uh not a crush, but i loooove him
Three Cool Places You Have Been:
1. Costa Rica
2. Knoebels
3. soon to be Italy
Two people that you have kissed
lets do first and last bfs
1. Tim Pacific
2. Joshua Hare
One person you could spend the rest of your life with
hmm...myself
current mood:  lazy
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11:23 am - Its All About the Happy
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Someone told me they hold on to people that are assholes to them, and that they are nice to those assholes. People that are sweet to them, they tend to mistreat and push away. I agree, I think I do the same thing. So assholes, bring it on, I'll be nothing but sweet to you. I have to stop trying to make things work, that won't, and focus on making myself happy. Not just by trying to obtain a goal or something I want, but in every little thing I do. Granted life is hard, and sometimes it can really suck and you may have to make sacrifices but people should not live miserably in hopes that once they get through it, things will be better. In most cases this isn't true. Be happy everyday, thats the only way to ensure that you will enjoy tomorrow.
Some people may claim they are working hard to reach their life goals. Some people may look at me, and think I'm too laidback, and unorganized, and whatever, but you see, my life goal is life itself. I wish to enjoy everyday, not just some point in the future that is too far away and blurry to see.
current mood:  pleased
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| Monday, May 2nd, 2005
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4:28 pm - sucks
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So after reading my past entries, I’ve decided to make them private, and saw how ive really been feeling. Let’s just say the first was in March and titled 'it bit me in the ass' and the mood was worried. The second was in April and it was titled 'the petals are falling' and it was depressed. Now it is 'sucks'. And id say the mood is not as extreme just kind of melancholy.
My description of what I'm feeling would be good to tell with a story about rock climbing. (Since I'm a dork and everything must be sports or outdoor related.)
Climbing through the woods, and jogging along trails, I see a mountain up ahead. Nothing too big or intimidating, in fact there is something inviting about its presence. So I jog up to it. I walk around the base of it for awhile, contemplating about taking it on. Pick a few flowers that are growing widely up its side. I throw my baggage down and pull out my gloves and shoes, ready to climb. I climb up for awhile, surprised by how easy and comfortable it seems. The mountain seems to reveal itself to me as it welcomes me up it. It's colorful and full of life. Mid-way a couple rocks come lose when I try to grab them. They cannot support my weight and tumble to ground. I quickly grab a more stable spot; making up for what was just loss. I smile up at the sun that has just breeched the top of the mountain, take a deep breath and continue to climb. Once I get to the top I will have an amazing view of the world. Finally after scraping my knees a couple more times, I pull myself to its plateau. I am so happy. Looking around I realize how empty the mountaintop is, and how alone I am. Looking over the edge, to get a breath taking view I see that it’s cloudy. I can't see anything. These damn rain clouds are in my way. I reach into a little pocket and pull out some seeds. I think I’ll plant them here. Maybe when the clouds clear these flowers will have the chance to grow. Or maybe this mountain top will never see light. "Until then good mountain” and i begin my descent.
current mood: gloomy
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