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Saturday, March 20th, 2004
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2:29a - Wouldn't It Be Nice...
Friday Night.. nothing to do. I could easily go to bed but that seems so unproductive. Instead I spend my time in Yahoo chatrooms torturing myself with the notion i'll find someone to talk to.
I met a 34 year old lawyer who listens to Disturbed and Godsmack, who has the audacity to compare the Beach Boys to AC/DC, and who defends the integrity to Personal Injury Lawyers. I know i'm being a tad judgemental but I had to let him go.
I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Lovely movie. It was nice to see Kate Winslet in a movie again. She is so strangely beautiful. Far away she's just allright but up close her eyes are perfect her mouth is perfect her cheekbones.. I want to be her. Beautiful, Smart, and Preoccupied.
I somehow made amends with my enemy from a few posts ago.. though we still yet see eye to eye. I wish he didn't live in England because he's the only person worth talking to at 2:30 am. He has this desire to believe in things existentially. While i see it as quite bleak it does make for quite an interesting conversation. No expectations. It's nice.
J.D. Salinger. Holden Caufield repulses me. He's too high maintance. ALl the fragility, all the need. Frightens the living shit out of me. Why can't people depend on themselves. Men used to be able to be independant. We as women fucked them up. Our battle for power has left them confused. What is the masculine identity of the 21st century? My boyfriend finds great allure to this sense of fragility and i can't help but run away. I'm clumsy, i'll break it, i know that.
So what now.. i'm still sitting here waiting for something to happen. I could open the door to my room and enjoy the company of my brother and his friends but I don't have the energy.
I was thinking today about how if the world is ever expanding until it implodes on itself and then starts over again then wouldn' t it logically seem that once we die we have to wait for the universe to die and then we start the adventure all over again. I mean in a way its like a rebirth. A resurrection.
Sometimes i feel that i'm the only person in the world scared of ceasing to exist. I just want to live.. with or without a body. Just let me be.
My period came. In a few days i'll be back on my rollercoaster of worry. I know i can't abstain from sex. It's hard to say no.
well i guess since im not really saying much of anything i'll try again later
-kt.
(comment on this)
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