Blurty for LoVe.Is.PaIn.

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Monday, July 14th, 2003

Time:3:24 pm.
Mood: lonely.
Music:Loser- Three Doors Down.
Hey guys n dolls, I'm deleteing this journal in a couple days, Startinga new one so no one can find me :(
Thank you to jake for making it look good everytime i fucked it up though. I'll always love you.


Sorry for being the fuck up I am everyone
Say wha?

Sunday, July 13th, 2003

Time:10:28 pm.
Music:Good Charlotte-Younge and The Hopeless.
*Sigh* today .. hmm today.. well.. today caused the most pain out of the last 4 days.. I read jake's journal.. i gotta stop doing that.. I think he likes this amy person. kinda hurts. but what do i have to say in the matter? me and him are over (again) but for good... i dunno if i can holdon much longer anyways.. so i hope he falls madly fuckin in love with the girl.. i dont even care.. cuz i cant wait to kill myself ... :-0 oh thats right i said kill myself.. teenage suicide. ha.. fuc you guys. ur gay. i dotn even care.. i have no one or anything. I cant live without jake.. *Shrugs* sorry if thats an inconvience to any of u. but fuck you. It hurts to know hes gone for good. that bubbly feeling i had everytime i talk to him i cant ever have again. or how he used to make me feel better when i was crying. or overly stressed out. im right fucked at this point. im so sick. maybe in dieing! holy god i hope so. I can't live without jake. i cant even want to try. But it'll be okay for him i hope .. eventually.. ya know? He'll find the girl taht .. 70 years down the road he'll hold and still be able to say "i love you my darling" and dance in their living room .. and have a ton of grandbabies. and forget me. but ill watch over him.. and love him... he doesnt believe me. but it'll be okay. he knows i love him ... maybe this amy girl can be the one :'( itll kill me to see him happy with someone else... but at least he'll be HAPPY. I can't ever be happy again. ive had my happy. i told myself never to cry again.. maybe thats why im sick, ive been holdin it in.. i mean tears have been.. just.. comming out.. but i couldnt STOP them.. dert. *Sigh* im gone for the night.. im gettin sick as fuck again. so i guess ill lay down again.... if i dont wake up tomm. sorry ... i just dunno what else to say.

Tia Lee

I'll always love you Jake
Say wha?

Time:1:39 pm.
Mood: crushed.
Music:Saliva- Rest in pieces.
Sometimes when i try all i do is myself more. i just want things to be okay ya know? but i guess im the knife and the problem. i loveh im so much but he shoves me away ... then says it not my fault. but it is if hes taking it out on me. instead of talkin to me about it. so... sometimes i dont wanna try no more.. cuz it feels like.. everythings comming to an end maybe it is.. maybe he wants this amy girl. maybe im not good enuff.. haha maybe? im not. who knows. i think he likes to hurt me sometimes.. *Sigh* why cant i just be good for someone. i shoulda stayed how i WAS.. alone, but not in bed. thank you dear god i liked that.. well.. i dated women.. they were pains in tha asses though! *Sigh* i just want to be alone for now n forever. cuz i cannot do anything right. peace.

-Tia Lee
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Saturday, July 12th, 2003

Subject:everything gone WRONG!
Time:4:46 pm.
Mood: lethargic.
Music:Finch- With or Without You.
How come everyone wants me to leave their lives? Am i such a horrid person:( I gues Sean's right I shouldnt say this cuz again, ill fire jake up. "He knows what he loves, and it aint you sweetie" and "You're going to loose him either way, how much better are you gunna feel when you're holding his lifeless body in your arms" and then it was over.. He told me if i was gunna choose to go down with him, he was saying goodbye... so we said our goodbyes today. I do not know what to think anymore. and then ... what if.. forget it all. I'm going to be alone. Jake seemingly wants someone new. I don't blame him. Maybe he dont. not now at least.. maybe down the road. maybe.. I'll loose him to drugs. Maybe I'll loose him b.c i made a mistake. But I'll loose him. why? Cuz I love him. Nothing good stays in my life. I cant even feel my arms or legs. But im calm? and in so much pain. it's crazy. well imma sit here for a few.. just.. think peace.

-Tia Lee
Say wha?

Time:12:14 pm.
Music:Stone Sour- Bother.
Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on...
I'll never live down my deceit
Say wha?

Friday, July 11th, 2003

Time:11:54 pm.
Mood: crushed.
Music:Frankie J- Don't Wanna Try (*no reason*).
i dunno .. but.. today.. and yesterday.. i shoulda slept thru um. but jakes 100% right ya know. up to the point where he told me to meet other ppl. that was apunch in the face ... he may not have meant it like so. but.. dear golly it hurt. i dont want him to meet someone :'( i dont, im selfish. i dont care either. he will.. thats for sure but.. i can delay it right ? *cry* not really. maybe he wants to or has and this is what its about? i dont know. i really dont. i dont want to. i know that. i cant speak for him. i know me being a billion miles away sux, vica versa ya know? *Sigh* but im trying to make it work from what we got. i cant stand the thought of him with someone else. i cant. thats that. sorry i guess. i just.. dont even know. i no nothing but that im crying and my throat hurts. so.. imma sit here.. and put on my show that everythings okay. peace out.

-Tia Lee
Say wha?

Subject:fah Q
Time:9:20 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:Tantric- Mourning.
wow ... im an emotional wreck. And im most deffinatly tired of pretending like.. everything is peachy. Jake's back to .. square one. *sigh* im back to feeling #2.i shouldnt even write this. why u ask? cuz he'll see it and get mad at me. but okay. whatever right? im good at that, causing fights. and this amy girl.. hes like.. always talkin about her, adn always hanging with her. sorry im a jelous person.. gawd. i shouldnt feel this way.. but.. i duno. sorry i guess. sorry ha... im so used to be sorry its sick. i wanna be half the person i used to be. but i fucked my life too much. had the wrong friends, and a horrid family life and now.. i guess they fucked me over so badly.. i cant do ANYTHING right. or say. im gunna loose jake cuzof this crap but .. im sorry i guess. truely sorry i feel like this. im gunna go now.. just.. sit here and chill out...

-Tia Lee
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Thursday, July 10th, 2003

Time:10:44 pm.
Mood: surprised.
Music:Less Than Jake- Teenager in Love.
WELL then.. today .. just a bunch of SURPRISES.. okay 1st, the concert (holy fuck me thats awsome) but i DO with jake was comming with me :( that would be AWSOME.. he would be going with me if he came up too! :'( . but the 2nd, big nana (my great grandma) was in town for like 2 weeks and didnt wanna come see me :( but it was nice to see the old coot! shes like.. 4'8 so i hadda bend down a foot or so to hug her! lol. third JAKE DYED HIS DAMNED HAIR AND CUT IT! ITS BRIGHT DAMN BLUE. oh mylanta *faints* i mean damn hes .. wow.. i mean.. its a bigger turn on then he knows (EXCEPT THE CUTTING OF IT!) but.. did i NEED another big shocker??? wow today was coo though. Went to Cole farms (omg kill me that food is so bad) and had FRENCH FRIES for dinner haha.. nice. i got ciggs today.. i have 4 left (only had 5 to begin with, im not that much of a fiend!) umm. Ronny came over for like.. an hour.. we walked 2 miles for a soda! haha. how great. i was like.. dieing of heat! but it was nice, i like walking. hmm after i got back from cole farms and seeing big nana, i got to talk to my hot sexy bitch jake. man i love that kid. i dont know if its.. crazy but.. if it is... im loving my insanity bebey! I wish I could spend a day with him. id love it. I really am.. in love.. with jake. *sigh* sometimes it hurts. but he makes me happy. so its all gravy baby. ummm let me think oh when i went over there (aunt kathys where i saw big nana) i just wanted to cry. i didntk now she had cancer :'( and shes so tired and its getting SO BAD. so is her diabetes.. man. thats surprise #4. one i DID NOT need. at all. I kinda really wish jake was here with me now.. or was with me today. i coulda used him for support. well thats enuff i guess. thats really all i have to say. that and when jake kidnapped his sister and went to lay with her and what he said b4 he did so. man why does he have to do that.. cuz its like.. for the rest of that day, i think about how much ilove him. and will forever love him. :'( thank you jake. ur amazing.

-Tia Lee i love you jake
Say wha?

Time:1:28 pm.
Mood: crazy.
holy crap... thats all i can think to say at this point in time. holy... crap.. in 29 days I'm going to see korn live!!! holy crap.... becki decided to go to that instead of john mayer (no offence but thank god). wow ... wow... okay... imma... just.. wow.. okay THIS FUCKIN ROCKS!:-D im good now heh.

-Tia Lee:-D
1 Say wha?

Tuesday, July 8th, 2003

Subject:im going to be cool too :-D
Time:8:24 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
Music:Nirvana- Lithium.
[four beverages you drink frequently]
1. Milk
2. Pepsi
3. flat coke (mm)
4. water

[four tv shows you liked when you were a little kid]
1. where's waldo!
2. inspector gadget
3. reading rainbow
4. ren n stimpy

[four places to go in your area]
1. Beach!
2. play ground!!
3. river
4. ummm stores?

[four things to do when you're bored]
1. Go online
2. sleep
3. put posters up
4. Music

[four things that never fail to cheer you up]
1. talkin to becki!
2. talkin to bourassa! lol
3. listening to music
4. sleeping!

[four things you can't live without]
1. Showers
2. pepsi
3. Sleep
4. ice cream!

[about ten years ago *list three things*]
1. i was 7
2. i fell head first down stairs and my cuz jumped after me!
3. I thought water was tasteless kool-aid

[about four years ago *list three things*]
1. i was 13
2. just got into aol
3. was obsessed with brandon holmes and dated him

[about one year ago *list three things*]
1. was put away
2. was thin
3. Derrick... no need to say more.

1. Woke up
2. babysat
3. fought

[seven things you love]
1. Jake
2. my friends
3. pot
4. becki
5. smirnoff ice! lol
6. pukers cards:-o
7. my puppy

[seven things you dislike]
1. people who hurt me on purpose
2. pete (fagget)
3. cheerleaders
4. my family
5. nightmares
6. panic attacks
7. cats n snakes!

[seven things on your desk]
1. pepsi bottle book (omg i read?)
3. lotion ;-)
5. green hair jell
6. blank cd's
7.sober chip lol (right)

[seven facts about you]
1. I moved in may
2. I love jake
3. i hate how im treated sometimes
4. I'm borderline skitzaphrenic :(
5. I have black hair?
6. im a stoner for life
7. herion, and crack scare me as much as snakes!

[4 artists/bands/people should give a listen to]
1. KoRn
2. MSI
3. unearth
4. kittie
Say wha?

Time:7:21 pm.
Mood: restless.
Music:Chevelle-Send The Pain Below.
This keeps getting worse. I don't know who to turn to anymore. All I see is the bad in people and what they say and don't say. Like when Jake talks to me, I only see the stuff that I can take wrong. That's SO fucking great huh? I told Sam I thought of dumping Jake then I just.. didn't want to anymore. She said that if I didn't he would. That kills. I don't wanna break up with him. I don't know what to think of what she said at this point. And now he's back to "himself" i don't know what to do, I refuse to say a damned thing to him cuz he gets mad at me and thinks I wanna change him. I just want him to not get hurt. but everyone's against me and everything I say comes out wrong or I take everything wrong. I dont know what to do! I'm going to LOOSE everyone I CAN'T CONTROL THIS. somebody help:'( I feel so paraniod and scared. I really do not know what to do! When I try and change it gets a kazillion times WORSE. somebody kill me ugh. I cut myself it felt like a big relief.. but I know someones just gunna get mad at me about that too. fuck it right? they care? why do i care what they say when whatever I say I'm saying to change them. FUCK IT ALL. i just.. cant do this with one reassurance that ppl care n love me. thanks to becki for doing that btw. and Jake. thank you thank you thank you. you two mean the fuckin world to me! im out. Im going to my room :'(

-Tia Lee -Jake I love you-
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Monday, July 7th, 2003

Subject:well yes..
Time:8:36 pm.
Mood: moody.
Music:Korn-Alone I Break.
umm yea last night.. i did freak out. and I can't appoligize to my dear becki enuff. Or that bourassa guy. I really can't control this. it's ripping me apart. It's like I'm in the back seat watching myself say these things to people.. people i love. Then when Shane told me that (something he told me) I just wanted to slit my wrists. He don't understand the breakdown he caused by doing that. he dont. It's people like that that make my condition WORST. i know im not a good person. fuck you if you can't see how i am. and make me out to be the bad guy. i freak out and i cant control this crap. i may as well kill myself. Cuz im just gunna loose everyone. I can't HELP it. I can't CONTROL what I say sometimes. i dont WANT to say them things. I can't do this. NO one can or will help me. they just jump on me like i mean to do it. i dont. no one cares. or refuse to understand. it hurts. im in so much pain. *sigh* i dunno anymore. but im tired of crying myself to sleep. for once id like someone to be there with me and hold me no matter how much i shove them. :'(

thats all for now.
-Tia Lee
Say wha?

Sunday, July 6th, 2003

Time:3:22 pm.
Mood: drained.
Music:Inspector gadget (ska remix).
Well i guess this weekend was fun. Went to the fair right when i got there. ha it was great. i musta looked like i was higher then a kite. then on one of the rides this GUY was looking at me.. and just laffing (im amusing.. haha) and we get off and he goes "you had way too much fun on that ride" he sounded like big gay al. haha. then we went round to more rides. so on. went back to taht ride and he was there AGAIN. ha and we were talkin and stuff and he goes "you needa hugg" and reached over and HUGGED ME :-O for like 3 mins. im just standing there "omg omg omg omg omg" soo funny. and THEN woosh we were talkin to him and natasha's like "that carny that works Wipe Out is so hot" he goes "Girl, he is wearing tight designer jeans and a nice sweater, he is not here for the women" i go holy god. wow so funny. then we went back on the 4th and that was nice i guess. watched the fire works from the riv er side on the rocks. it was okay.then we went to the beach on saturday. holy coldness. so i just laid out. umm thats really all we did. it was okay. hmm i think i left my camera there though.. woops. dont care. I did miss Jake hope he had fun. but thats all for now folks. peace.

-Jake's little tomatoe.
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Thursday, July 3rd, 2003

Time:4:32 pm.
Mood: disappointed.
New look... *Sigh* not that it really matters. looks hiddious but at this point in time i do not care.

Im leaving in an hour an a half and i really wanted to talk to jake but i guess not. last night was a harsh one. maybe hes mad at me. or just dont feel like talkin still. I guess I can't talk to him til Sunday night when I get home or Monday. I miss him when I can't talk to him. and this drama has got to stop! im so sick of it. jesus.. Shane is such a stupid piece of shit. ugh. I don't CARE that he does drugs.. I HOPE EVERYONE DOES WHATEVER FUCKIN DRUGS THEY CAN okay. im not even gunna fucking tell anyone i care anymore cuz if i do.. im tryin to fucking change them? yeah. or i sound "better then" them fuck them all. god. happy fuckin fourth everyone. rott in hell.

-Tia Lee (who knows anymore)
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Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003

Time:10:43 am.
Mood: chipper.
Music:20 fingers-short dick man.
well its a very... *sigh* bright.. day. lol.i just woke up and poor becksta.. i told her that shane was no good. i have an awsome sence of charactor. but WHO listens to me ;-). OH well she was gunna take mr. shane to the concert in august, and although i dont like the guy, im gunna go with her. cuz i love becksta and shane dont! yeah.. ya hear? lol woosh. Maryland... we are going to maryland to see an ugly guy whine on stage yes!! i cant wait haha. im gunna get an I love john mayer T. well then i dont know. I can't wait to talk to my jacob today. yayas lol. i havent said that in a while. lol i remember when every word had "Mawer Fawker" after it lol. im a damn alcoholic .. or was. well thats about it i guess? yes yes it is.. WOOSH.

-Jake's little tomatoe
2 Say wha?

Tuesday, July 1st, 2003

Time:2:35 pm.
Mood: thoughtful.
Music:Adam Sandler- Ode To My Car.
Well today has blown the big one :). No, but hey its okay. I got to talk to my jake this morning :) yay. *sigh* we had a big talk last night. i cried... it sucked . Oh well we're great. he rocks my world. BIG time. ha he had me make his icon. that made me like.. so happy .. i dunno. i like it when hes sappy its cute.ALTHOUGH i dont like when hes made he sounds so cute when hes getting made. big turn on but.. i dont like when hes made at me but hey.. its cute. duh i see it now ... we get into a fight and i take my clothes off n rape him yeesh. der.. thta kid is just.. wowza. love him to death too. I really want to stay together all through this him going away thing. but if he doesnt want taht then im gunna be a good g.f for once and back down. I just dont want him to stop feeling for me. *sigh* I really think I found the one. I dunno if its just me. Probably is. *sigh* Well If we stay together do u understand how great i'd feel? ha, I wouldnt feel hopeless anymore i tell u that. *sigh* yeah well imma .. go make my icons and such. ~*~Peace Out~*~

-Jake's little tomatoe
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Sunday, June 29th, 2003

Subject:wooosshhh baby
Time:2:35 pm.
Mood: crappy.
Music:the ring in my ear.
wow i just got done painting a garage door screwwwwwww the rest for today. its HOT, the back of my neck is probably sunburned all to hell. woo babay. not that ive done enuff to fill this here journal entry out.. but hey its all good. hmmmm yes, well i got heat sick .. almost didnt make it up the stairs to the porch. fun stuff. jake hasnt been around and well. im kinda upset but hey, ill talk to him soon i hope. i think sam blocked me. fuckin REALLY tired of her doing that shit. i had like a TON of shit to show her from ronny but she apparently has blocked me. so FUCK that. ugh. woo look... a sexy farmers tan. hell yes im good.
WELL folks since everyone i want to talk to is not online, im gunna go use my phone card to call Mr. Lovejoy lol. (yay)
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Blurty for LoVe.Is.PaIn.

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You're looking at the latest 17 entries.