| a thousand pounds have been lifted off my shoulders |
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| 08:51pm 10/02/2005 |
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well that was the longest, most intense 18 minutes of my life. ive never had my heart beating that fast for fear of what a phone conversation had to offer- what harsh words would be uttered in my direction. thats the first time i've ever been so relieved to call that number since you went to rehab.
i forget the name of the program now. but brittany answered the phone and i automatically froze. i go "hi may i please speak to mrs. stiller?" and she goes "no she's not home" and i was like "can i please speak to... not mr. stiller..." "mr. treusch?" "YEAH." "sure one second." and i hear her dad in the background ask who was on the phone so she asks and then when i tell her its gabz her voice lightens, kind of like she's happy to hear from me. i really miss you too brittany. i cant possibly explain what your entire family means to me. you're all great.
she really cares about you. even if you dont see it now- you will. you'll see it when you're "grabbing life by the nads" (according to rick) and praising her for not letting you become what you could have, what you should have. that black hole should have sucked you in long before, but you've got a ticket out- a key back to normalcy. why are you taking so long to finally unlock what justly belongs to you?
"he could be writing his own ticket. the kids got smarts. he's got a lot of friends, a great personality. the girls love him too." i couldn't help but laugh at that last one. it seemed so perfect of him to slip that in the conversation there. he knew how i felt about you.
i'm not sure how long you've been in there now, but i know you wont graduate this year. i also know that you're supposed to stay for over twelve months and that you cant receive letters until you reach level 3 or 4 progress. rick said to call back in a month to see if you've made it there yet. i can only pray, because i've been wanting to write you ever since i heard you were gone. i also wanted to come see you and cry with you and hug you until your addiction completely was something of the past. i wanted to fill in your empty spaces with something constructive, something beneficial. something that would serve some purpose other than leaving you waking up starved for a fix the next afternoon. something that didnt require a 40 dollar a day addiction. something that you didnt need to make you feel okay and wanting to live. you started doing it because you were curious- you keptdoing it because you couldnt stay normal without it. never once did it make you happy... and thats all youve ever wanted. thats all i've ever wanted.
dont consider me a crutch. all of the laws of AA and NA consider me one of those people that are the downfall of their programs, the downfall of any person changing their lives around for themselves. i dont agree. i believe that if i gave you a taste of what it would feel like again- even if it was just a teaser- of what life could feel like breathing through and being able to taste the air. being able to be at ease and comfortable with who you are NOT on drugs. give yourself opportunity to love the real eric. my god do i sound like a textbook.
you are my muse. you are the only thing that has given me a reason to write in this journal today, and you couldn't possibly understand what thats like.
i wonder if you ever think about me. i wonder if you ever look back to the days before anything corrupted us, before we ever really knew what we were talking about, before life decided to shake us for all we were worth. now we're both skewed in completely different directions, still not knowing a damn thing in which we speak of, trying various approaches to life that dont seem to be fitting society's requirements. although my decisions havent landed me in rehab for heroin, i'm not socially looked highly upon. each time i meet someone new i still get that "something stuck to the bottom of your shoe" glare that adults have down pat by the time in their lives. i dont know where i was going with that, but thats it.
thats all the time ive been alloted to express my wants, fears, and aspirations for you. thats all the time iv'e been given by my pointless routine of droning and wasting my time away to discuss matters that really mean something to me. i have no remorse about not starting that damn english paper.
you really mean the world to me. i know this is something that wont die with time, that wont change with the weather, and wont ease on the pain scale. i know that even after 5 years, i still cant think about being out of contact with you- even if its without you knowing i'm writing to you right now. i cant picture what the world would be like if i didnt fall back on eric stiller when i needed a good laugh.
you had a court hearing since you were caught with possession like 6 months ago of weed, and it would have been expunged if you had done like 25 hours community service and stayed on probation for 6 months. since you went to rehab you didnt have the opportunity to complete that. life's funny how it works- because now the judge made it so if you quit your rehab program before your 12 months are up- you go to jail for 90 days. thats a little incentive to stay, isnt it? its funny how life cracks down on you to get a result thats ultimately good for you in the end. i'm not sure if i'll even tell you this before youre fully recovered. you'll probably just stop talking to me for a couple of months if i tell you any of this before youre ready to hear it. it'll be an interesting road from here out.
youre in a program now where you're sent to different houses with 3 different boys each week, and the rehab focuses on heroin and cocaine. from the minute you get to each house your shoes and bags get locked up and theres an alarm system. it costs 15 dollars a day for housing, and the insanely high amount of fees for the rehab itself. please make the most of this.
i remember going through the family therapy sessions with my sister. i remember sitting there while our family jumped down her throat and attacked her on everything she ever did wrong. it was necessary. i hated it- but it was necessary. change is also necessary. in your case i hope it's for the better- like hers was. i'd be the most blessed person on earth to see two people that i deeply care about defeat drug addiction.
all of this information came from rick. rick said youre also pulling the whole "its my life" crap. no- its all of our lives. we all love you to fucking death. i dont mean to speak for anyone but myself, but I LOVE YOU TO FUCKING DEATH. YOU CANT BE THIS STUPID FOREVER. you have an opportunity... take it.
this is what youve always wanted since you started this and you fucking know it. tap into that little part of your brain that is HAPPY to be there and channel it. dont give me that bullshit, and dont let the asshole in you take over.
i really do miss you. so much more than i can explain. keep that, cherish that, know that. and become what i know youre capable of becoming.
theres no use in living like cole.
love,
me. |
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