i took your stuff and put it in the basement, when i found out what the smile on your face meant.    03:11pm 26/01/2004   last night i wrote i love eric stiller on my hand in red ink. and somehow i woke up this morning with it printed twice on my cheek lmao. and now it wont come out. i ate a whole box of corn pops the past 4 days i've been here. ahahah its ridiculous, i know. my grandaddy.. lmao alright i guess while i was sleeping he made like hard boiled eggs. and he was trying to like warm them up or something so he put them in this microwave-proof thing for THREE AND A HALF MINUTES in the MICROWAVE... keep in mind these are already hard-boiled eggs... so i come out and sit down with my corn pops and all of a sudden i hear this POP and the microwave door swings open (this is like some high tech microwave thats all shiny and new) and all this water pours out the bottom of it and egg bits fly EVERYWHERE. it was the FUNNIEST THING ... i like jumped 10 feet. the microwave like POPPED UP. it was INSANE. and my grandaddy's like "i thought that was a driveby." and like the microwave says "door is open. please shut door." im like what the fuck. lmao it was great. so he spent the greater portion of the morning cleaning up egg bits (he wouldnt let me help. he's like "EATCHOR CORN POPS." my microwave is a piece of shit. lmao ask j-me, michelle, anne (if she'll talk to you.), anyone whos seen it. they all make fun of me for it. okay its OLDER THAN I am, the light doesnt work, you cant make popcorn in it either which is like the main purpose for a microwave anyway it makes the bags all shrivley and disgusting, so its basically a big plastic radioactive energy machine with no purpose other than to bother you. i wish we'd get a new microwave, but part of me wouldnt let the old one go lmao. i'm saving the box of cornpops. this is like the first time i've actually eaten a whole box of cereal. my grandad called me a troublemaker and tried to throw it away like 4 times. so now i had to hide it with my bag of clothes that i brought over here. lol. alright.. what else? nothing really. well i love you. it was nice talking. xoxox.        Read 4 - Post   lmaoooo    11:22pm 24/01/2004   it all started like this- i told anne i loved her like a fat kid loves cake. and then she goes "well i love you like a skinny bitch loves slimfast." and then she starts bitching about me closing her (which i think i did after she started bitching lmao) and she didnt believe that i didnt close her so she's like: SoCCeRsWEeTIe136: just lie some more SoCCeRsWEeTIe136: just cuz im anorexic bulemic and im on atkins AND slimfast SoCCeRsWEeTIe136: doesnt mean u have to mock me. yerc00ln0w: ahahahahahahahahha yerc00ln0w: just cuz im anorexic, bulemic, on atkins, southbeach, slimfast, energy bars, the grapefruit diet, the fat burning diet, and on an all icecream diet DOESNT mean you have to mock me SoCCeRsWEeTIe136: well just cuz im anorexic bulemic on atkins slimfast, weight watchers, enery bars, grapefruit diet, all carbs, the fat burning diet all ice cream, southbeach, metabolite, AND im a member at the Y, at california fitness, curves, AND i do old woman water aerobics..DOESNT MEAN U HAVE TO DISCRIMINATE SoCCeRsWEeTIe136: or player hate.        Read 1 - Post   i wrote for you, you know i only wrote for you.    09:00pm 23/01/2004   i was standing outside in the snow with my grandaddy. we had to shovel the sidewalk before 9 because my grandma was coming home he didnt want her to slip. we had already been out there two hours earlier but its been snowing a lot here. while i was shoveling i was thinking. . . i started by thinking about how the snowflakes came directly at me like i was in some 3D game. the way i didnt even have to move to catch them in my mouth how they stayed on my eyelashes to impair my vision and stayed in my hair like a bad case of dandruff. they swirled and danced and made a nice, soft blanket on the ground. i pondered for a minute the story about the boy who commit suicide yesterday by just taking a blanket and pillow outside and taking a nice long nap in the snow. not a bad way to die if you think about it. you could die in fear, in anxiety, in distress, in pain... but to fall asleep in a peaceful, quiet, white blanket to be numb, to be one with serenity? that, to me, is the only way to die. this is going off on a tangent. i was thinking about what i was doing shoveling a nice little path, neatly and precisely along the lines of the sidewalk it had to be perfect. "a job isnt worth doing if its not well done" i was shoveling it, and i was thinking about the consequences of what could happen if i hadnt been there to do it. i was thinking about how my grandad could have hurt himself for the sake of my grandmas safety how my grandma could have been badly injured slipping on the ice how the conern in my grandads voice showed whenever he mentioned the possiblity of her slipping how i dont think ive ever been happier to be apart of doing a chore in my entire life not only was there a purpose to this chore there was a cause, for which i was completely behind my grandma was at work at a low paying job to not only support herself or my grandad, but me. she has worked her whole life at jobs that dont pay her anything close to what she's worth while her genius mind is going to waste... only not really. my grandmother has the most insight the most wisdom the most wonderful advice ever given to me by any human. and i was saving her life. i know that while she walks up the sidewalk, she's going to at least recognize how much concern was given she's going to notice how precisely and how delicately the snow was was removed from the sidewalk as assuring as the backdoor light that always stays on. and that, to me is love love is being worried enough about someone to get out of your warm house lug on all of your snow gear and spend half an hour shoveling and salting the sidewalk making sure that youre out there not anywhere close to the time that she could be so you can pretend that there was no effort so you can pretend that the concern wasnt urgent and act as though it was completely under control, not scratching at the back of your skin to make an effort before washing your hands of the situation. that, is love. when the scratching happens. when you cant get that person out of the back of your head your only purpose in life is to keep them safe, keep them healthy keep them happy... and more than anything keep them loving you. concern is love. appreciation is love. being able to connect, to feel, to diminish the idea of life without them, is love. this sounded so much better in my head. i was just thinking... and i am just so lost right now... i have no path, and no life... and i am completely rambling without anything important in my head.        Read 3 - Post   .    12:52pm 19/01/2004   i'm on a train, but theres no one at the helm and theres a demon in my brain.. that starts to over whelm and there it goes, my last chance for peace you lay me down, but i get no release and i try, i try to keep awake. i try to swim beneath i try to keep awake but i... i can feel this narcolepsy slide... INTO ANOTHER NIGHTMARE. and theres a demon in my head who starts to play a nightmare tape loop of WHAT WENT WRONG YESTERDAY and i hold my breath til' its more than i can take and i close my eyes i dream that i'm awake... I TRY TO KEEP AWAKE. I TRY TO KEEP AWAKE. I TRY TO KEEP AWAKE BUT I... I CAN FEEL THIS NARCOLEPSY SLIDE.. INTO ANOTHER NIGHT MARE.        Post   listen to this crazy sheet    03:55pm 15/01/2004   hey i just found this in my spanish notebook from like.. months ago. i remember i wrote it after i had to like leave the room crying. i dont remember why tho... i just remember thinking that that day was a piece of shit. its called "A" (i think i got distracted and forgot to finish the train of thought) I hate this school. i hate everything about it. i hate absolutely every aspect. every person, every look, every habit, every day. every thought. every activity. every "whats wrong?" everyone that doesnt care. everyone that DOES care. everyone that claws away at my insides. every being that things im the unreasonable one. everyone that misuses the word "love". every word that creeps back into my head. everyone who thinks im a failure. every person who doesnt think im good enough, everyone who wont let me turn in MY science packet cuz they fear im wrong. every dream ive ever had. every goal i'll never meet. everything i'll never live up to. every bar i never reach every scream, every person who pretends they dont hear every misunderstood, mistrusted, misused, misplaced, missed mark, mistake, missed. every person that i miss, that doesnt even care enough about me to visit. every thought that you implant in my head every lie youve ever told, every belief i'll never, no. i dont. i believe in you, i dont believe in me. or them. and i trust in you, i jsut cant trust in me or them or love or happiness or faith or friendship or promises or heartbreaks. nothing to rely on no where to go theres no place to show me this doesnt live up to my life one day i'll find the words to explain you cant see me, and you never wanted to. im movin on just cuz your not my age or my time or mine to love. *next page* (that was in paragraph form by the way) this isnt what i want. i wont end up here self esteem will climb out of the negatives... but it wont be cuz you helped me it'll be cuz i dont give a shit about you, or your problems, your "friendship",your misguidance, immaturity, spanish class, love life, i have no one to love as much as i love them put all my faith in you but you find some way to hate me i want your happiness so bad that i can taste it but whos there for me? no one, thats rightn, no one. people dont even fucking lend sugar to their neighbor anymore. forget it. im sorry for being so irrational, so misdirected, so unsympathetic, but i dont care anymore. and i never can just write for me, i always try and write for you like my words will change something, prove something, mean something. no, its ridiculous. the day wont fucking end none of them will... and you wont even recognize it til' im dead. you'll shed a tear to fid in and fucking move on. the end. you cant be changed, why do i even try?        Read 2 - Post   dont say a word    04:01pm 14/01/2004   Don't Say A Word- by gabz As the sweet morning dew loses itself in my skin and the intense pleasures of the night before fade into hazy memories, my mind wanders off onto the trail leading to your soul traveling deep into your blue eyes, past all the uncertainty and protective layers, into the inner sanctum of your mind's necessities... there are: skeletons that have no intention of revealing their tales cobwebs that hold the awareness of how unoften this place is used mirrors lining each and every wall, because anything to do with outside is irrelevant. there are no pictures of foreign places, no spice, no added flavor from other people. this room is empty, and its souly because all the outside influence you'll allow never makes it past your ears. youre someone who's studied the art of acting, the art of saying what is needed to be heard the art of lieing through your teeth to snatch away the last burning embers in a once lit fireplace. there has never been an ounce of passion behind your words, all that you know is negative energy, and how to avoid it. you've studied your romance novels, thats quite evident in your communication tactics and you've taken notes on all the butterfly-causing actions youve even gone as far as to spill out sappy, unconditional vows of your love and slyly grin while i melt into a liquid form, oozing with happiness that for once this will not be unrequited love. but this room is empty. your words lack meaning, emotion, consistency, and even are missing a few pieces. you'd think with all the embers youve collected from my fire a true pioneer would have been able to start his own by now. but you havent. and in order to keep from being singed by mine, youve taken a piss on them. staying in this room sends chills down my spine. for a moment it feels like a dark, deteriorating nightmare that i'll never be able to escape from. but once i climb back out, running as fast as i can, unlocking my eye contact with those gorgeous, round, amazing blue eyes... it comes to me some people: can only imagine what lies inside of your soul can only gather evidence from your silky poems, your undying love confessions, your saran wrap emotions taken straight off a shelf of a cheap bargain store, ironically the same one you purchased that love novel from. and its all artificial. every word every action every desperate attempt to make me feel special. and one day, you'll make a decision to let me go without even shedding a tear without consideration for what hell i'm going through. you'll drop me off in a box filled with used saran wrap, withered and torn love novels, and scribbled out love notes for the next pitiful bandaid to come along and unscramble so he can temporarily heal my wounds and shelter me from a world of greed and insincere lifestyles. i've gone off track. for some reason, the dew is now leaving a clammy feeling on my skin the hazy memories come back as haunting, sickening feelings churning my stomach uncontrollably. you've closed those beautiful blue eyes with a smile on your face, one thats unconcerened with the recent realizations ive just made you think your secrets safe? you think i'm not aware of how empty of a person you really are? well keep your eyes shut my love, and keep that smile on your face til the very end. something inside of me senses youve heard these commands because for just long enough to reach over and grab the 9mm in my purse (hey, guns are now legal in ohio!) you keep those eyes covered that inhumane smile on your face i hold the tip up to your temple, without feeling an ounce of remorse and pull the trigger. scarlet oozes from the wound, into the dew-covered grass that will now mark the spot of my victory. i have just done all women in this world a favor i have eliminated a cruel, emotionless creature who feasts on good people until he's stolen all their flame. i place the 9mm back into my purse, and leave your motionless body in the grass. since you've denied to your girlfriend ever being with me, and since your loyal, appropriate background makes you a trustworthy person, i'd like to take this opportunity to thank you for allowing me to get away with a rightful death- free of punishment, free of guilt, and free of your constant, devastating blue eyes that kept me always longing for more. lmaoooooooooooo thats some good shit right there. :) dont be afraid, i dont mean to scare you! so help me jesus        Read 1 - Post   morning.    11:16pm 11/01/2004   semi-less irritated right now. semi-more irritated right now. i told my mom we can move. we're looking at a new house on sunday. its in like the middle of nowhere but it has 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms and its twice the size of our house now. the other great thing about it is that it means i wouldnt ever have to see you again. hopefully. okay, all of you that are like bound and determined to figure out who im talking about in my journal entries, get a hobby alright. its for the person and the person im talking about to know only. and they do. so all of you that have all these questions can just shove them up their ass. (im not talking about the moral supporters like my lil michellefish. im talking about all this fuckin SHUCK AND JIVE behind my back. lmao oh my god im my father.) i would seriously just love to leave all of this behind right now. start a new life, maybe change my screen name and my journal, completely abandon you because you mean absolutely nothing to me right now. seriously. i dont care how harsh that is, i have a whole new objective and i dont care how lonely it might make me, im seriously completely done with all of this bullshit. my new years resolutions consist of 50 new things that im going to be doing that will make me love myself. you, fortunately, have nothing to do with my new years resolution. i have no intention of even looking in your direction for the rest of eternity, and you can carry on in your own fucking existence and leave me to mine, it'll be wonderful and i'll have a peace of mind. i told kelly. clays denying it. round two is about to begin, and chris is so far up clayton's ass and he has his back 100%, like he would have been there when it all happened. what a joke. we traced it back to why me and kelly hated eachother and it was all a lie clay had told. when she asked him why he was nice to me when he talked all this trash about me he said that if he wasnt nice to me i would spread horrible humors about her around the school! yup, cuz thats me, mrs. gossipqueen who starts random shit as much as possible. she's actually a pretty cool person and i seriously would love for him to just roll over and die. she called him from the party, and i said "clay, if you dont tell her im going to. i have a feeling it'd be a lot better coming from you." ".... what the hell gabz." "you know what im talking about." "i dont know what youre talking about gabz!" and he started crying while he denyed it and asked if she was high. then chris got on the phone, and they muted it for like an hour so she couldnt call back. what a fucking pussy. i seriously am going to kick him in the fucking nuts next time i see him. so not only did i succeed in hurting a good person, not only did i consider her the anti-christ for over a year, not only did i cause an asshole to cry, not only did she then later drive me home and made plans for me to do something with her in a couple of days, not only did she have someone else lined up, not only did we then bond and realize we could actually be friends, not only did i come home just to cry myself to sleep, now the truth is out. and as much as he wants to deny it, whoever wants to believe him, whoever wants to hate me, i deserve it. and i'd rather have people hate me and him not get away with his bullshit and a good person find someone better than a fuckrag to date, then keep a little secret and keep myself safe from the punishment for a crime i allowed to be committed. i would love nothing more than to move and leave all of you behind. goodbye.        Read 2 - Post   goodbye love    11:30am 10/01/2004   ah rent is so good :) anyway. well, whoever you are, i'm done with you. yup, thats right. i'm done with everyone and everything. i have given up and nothing you can say or do can redeem yourself from this statement. i've checked my bags, packed away everything i could possibly need, and purchased a one way ticket to anywhere but here. i'm done with you, and i dont think i'll ever be looking back to feel bad about it. i've realized the past 15 years of my life have been a joke. a big fucking joke and i'm standing there as the punchline, while everyone around me is laughing and i just stare straight ahead, confused and misunderstood. you dont know me. you definately dont know me, and the person i made myself into was only a simplified version that i thought you could bother to pretend to know. i'm breaking away that shell and slowly remembering who i am, fitting back the pieces of me together that haven't been stolen or damaged in the big fall ive had. but i'll be okay. i know i sound very distraught and helpless, but i'm taking things back into my own hands. i can keep it all inside, and maybe have a harder time trusting, but in the long run i'll be alright. even in listening to this song i'm feeling strength swell up inside of me and pride regain itself into my life. i am happy right now, and due to many things i havent been in a long time. but now i am. and i think from now on i always will be. and when im not, i'll just remember how much i've stifled myself to fit into this dark and dismal mold to relate to you and THEN be happy, realizing im not a puppet anymore. im not a product of your imagination, just as though i realize youre not the person that i dream you to be. we are very different people, who somehow got along for a while, but that time has ceased to exist because everytime we talk i feel like shit all over again and want to strangle myself with the mouse cord. everyone who thinks this is about you, its not. it isnt. and as for YOU, dear friend of mine who cant let out feelings outside of a journal entry, i really dont believe myself to be conceited. but if you'd like to think that, which you do, then fuck you. i just said we had a greater connection then you and someone who was going to drop you when someone better came along, and i dont see how that is conceited. your blind, and im happy for you. because now i remember what and who you used to be like and i dont know why i even bothered thinking you were different. so congradulations, writing down your emotions in some private journal about me then showing it to me when we're not even in a fight is just as bad as talking shit about me amongst random peers and me finding out when youre not mad anymore. i'm glad you dont even have enough guts to tell me the things you say in person, or even online, you just have to act like everythings okay and then go home without the slightest recognition of even being mad.. just fuck you. alright? seriously. i hope you have a great time with her. just know that never again will i make the mistake of ever even thinking about telling you what im feeling on any subject, because i wont be feeling anything about you even the slightest bit stronger than just. friends. ever afuckingain. no joke. i need to get out of this house. its driving me crazy. gnite guys.        Read 3 - Post   no subject. at all.    11:13pm 07/01/2004   im drowning in anguish and thoughts that i have no way of voicing as my last rebellious struggle is fully released from my soul i have no other option but to sit back and enjoy the ride sit back, indifferent and glassy eyed as i silence the distant shrieks of innocence to take matters into my own hands to take charge and be that fiesty, eager person i once was. the person who got along with everyone, the person who brightened the days of so many just by acknowledging their presence. life used to be a peach. all nice and fresh and so stunnning to just sit back and admire. but i guess life still is a peach, just that same one 3 years later without any perservatives or ziplock bag to keep it unexposed from harsh conditions its withering away after being bruised and beaten and has no will power left and just rolls along with the tide through harsh weather and sunny days without so much as blinking an eye. pretty soon this life is going to be over for that wonderful little peach and all thats going to be left is a hardened core with a trail of satisfied inhuman creatures trooping home. thats all that they really want anyway is to get under your sweet sensitive skin and turn you into a mess that you feel you literally cant control anymore to turn you from a nice ripe shade of brightness to a twisted unnatural shade of disgust. and after they have hollowed you out they break into your soft spot using no more than their finger nails and an elaborate plan because after a while you dont feel the need to even carry your seed anymore. you dont feel as if you can go on anymore because the lightness you once had is now weighing you down so far so if you just give up and throw your hands in the air and let the predators in maybe it will all be over sooner maybe life will all just gradually slip past you and show mercy on your empty rigid shell. so you let them in, at first seeking more than what they have to offer trying to maybe mold them into a gift of perfection that you can mount on your wall and show to your friends after the occasional polish youve tried to reshape someone made out of liquid, and let them stand on their own without your container holding their contents in they fall, but in your attempts have become exposed to your weaknesses and pressure points so by gently applying pressure and using the right words you allow them to storm in and take captive your surrendered contents that you have only shown your captivator. And instead of another taking after you in your shape and form, you have layed down your sword and accepted the reality of fate having its way with you. and it does, and it always will, and you'll never see the plan until after youve reached the end.        Post   life is such a little bitch    10:55pm 07/01/2004   not in a good mood. not a good time to vent because all that will come out is dry sarcasm that i'll regret later. so i'll just listen to music and hold it in. or just yell it at the computer i come around but i dont see you its kinda hard when youre already gone my eyes are numb, bloodshot and heavy the voices silent but approaching me soon HES GOT YOUR NAME, HES GOT YOUR NUMBER JUST ONE MORE SIP AND HE'LL BE DRAGGIN YOU HOME i feel the pain OH i see the answer, the voices singin like the sound of a song YOURE GONE WHEN YOU STOP BELIEVIN ITS HARD TO SLEEP AT THE END OF THE DAY move on, dont try to get even lookin hard just to find a new end cuz its hard to die, when youre already dead. lol. good shit right there just when, cant quite remember, just when cant quite recall the day we met on a COLD DECEMBER, THE DAY WE MET AND IT STARTED TO FALL. lol im just in a shitty mood. because of shitty things pertaining to people i hate myself about. where are those happy days they seem so hard to find? i try to reach for you but you have closed your mind WHATEVER HAPPEND TO OUR LOVE? I WISH I UNDERSTOOD it used to be so nice, it used to be so good! SO WHEN YOURE NEAR ME DARLIN CANT YOU HEAR ME? SOS THE LOVE YOU GAVE ME NOTHIN ELSE CAN SAVE ME, SOS WHEN YOUR GONE HOW CAN I EVEN TRY TO GO ON? WHEN YOURE GONE, THO I TRY HOW CAN I CARRY ON? :( i really tried to make it up, i wish i understood. WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR LOVE IT USED TO BE SO GOOD. hahahahhaa ah i dont know! im all hyper and shit and i have to type this damn english paper... but AH. im going to DIE. lol life is just... crazy i mean i try and relate, i try and understand, i try and bring joy and comfort into the lives of other people, i try to be a comforting shoulder when everyone else has shunned and turned their back on you. although this shoulder IS covered by an anti-flag sweatshirt, i hope you can get past that and realize that i really am a person who does commmit and care and realize. im not sure, i'm alright now.        Post   merpmerp    04:26pm 07/01/2004   things i have to do today- burn that 3rd eye blind cd and that cd from mr. riegel fwekjg;wejgkowkejg;lj type my multi-paragraph essay eat cheez-its mm mm mm take a showah (cuz im dirty. no im jk) feed/walk max clean my belly button! woo who. do something productive instead of making a list.. FINISH BRAD PITTS HAIR BRING IN THE PUNK BOOK TO ART to show riegel sljflke;fjwe i cant fucking think. when i find out more things i'll let you know my love. xoxoxoxo gabz. OH YEAH- i made a new friend today! his name is john harris! i dont know if he spells his name jon or john. but he's really cool. he used to be dating abhery and thats how i knew him but they broke up a while ago and i used to think he like hated me before but then he came over to our table and i said "hi john harris! youre my idol. can we be friends?" and he said "sure" and that was a couple weeks ago and i didnt really think about it much after that but then today he came up again to help michesticle with her math homework (lmao chesticle. ahahahahahahahah) im sorry anyway. so yeah, we started talking about music and all this great stuff and he's going to a DAVID BOWIE CONCERT TONIGHT... ISNT THAT THE SHIT? i mean he was talking to me about how he usually gets frustrated because a lot of people dont like a lot of different music and i was like hey john you really are my idol. he asked me why people call me gabz and not gabrielle, and i said i wasnt sure and so now he calls me gabrielle. :) he's a really nice kid, and im really happy im getting to know him. :) he gave me his sn too so woo hoo! people are so great. i swear to god. even the ones who you arent sure about can shock you at any moment. no joke, its amazing. :) im really happy right now. it takes like.. the most random things to make me happy.. just like... him actually talking to me about music when that doesnt really like.. seriously interest most people... ugh. im just really happy :) xooxxoxoxoox, me        Read 1 - Post   merp    11:46pm 06/01/2004   A blank event. A blank space with a blinking curser that has the option of becoming an outlet for my thoughts, my obscure predictions and my meaningless rambles. I just dont get how girls can differ so extremely from guys. I mean you have the people on one end of the spectrum, the straight guys who know absolutely nothing about being in touch with their feelings. They grunt and actually acknowledge this fact with PRIDE and numbly say the harshest things (when they ever open their mouths in the first place) without even batting an eye. Its ridiculous. Ofcourse, keep in mind, there are some exceptions to each of these categories. There could be a straight guy who actually knows how to communicate with someone in a strictly VERBAL way. Then again, his name was Romeo and hes dead. Okay dont get me wrong, im not asking for some prissy little bitch that cant even defend themselves against a normal human being that starts to push them around, or someone who gets manicures and removes cuticles and spends hours on their hair. im talking about someone who knows how to communicate, take notes on my interests, and actually make an effort towards being a fucking decent significant other or even friend. sheesh. i mean its expected from girls, so why shouldnt it be expected from guys? oh you people say that "guys are so much easier than girls!" thats just because we take notes, and you obviously havent learned that cheap pickup lines arent the way into a girls heart. or her pants you fucking idiots, read a manual or something. in the middle of the spectrum, we have the bi/gay guys (sometimes gay guys go completely to the girl side of the spectrum). Here there is more thought involved before engaging in conversation, there is more effort and more time put into words before grunting, and theres a chance that they might look to understand you more than on a sexual level. maybe its just because they can swing both ways and if you seem interesting enough then forget the fucking you can just have a hard earned honest friendship and he can just move on down his list to the guy section. on the opposite end of the spectrum, there are girls. girls try their best to not be misunderstood, taken literally, have their words used against them, and for the most part use tact when they're trying to express something to a respectable human. there is no way youre going to ask a girl what she's thinking. number one, because you dont care. and number two, because she'll probably tell you before you even notice she hasnt spoken for the past 45 minutes. girls long for something MORE (unless youre just a skank or sexually deprived) than action... theres gotta be something there so they'll have something to miss besides the great sex when you take off with all their money from the most recent best-selling novel written and the family calico cat. Those of you that haven't noticed, a lot of random shit has been going on. And more than that, other than sex ed class where we sit there and label uterus's nothing interesting has been happening. Seriously, i'm so sick of all these random issues that weigh down my happiness factor. so what im going to do is just say fuck you, and then i'll have a nice day. xoxoxoxoxooxoxox, love you, me        Read 3 - Post       05:06am 03/01/2004   lmao youre the shit. whoever you are, youre the shit. tonight i got really bored and put on a bunch of stickon nails after plucking my eyebrows at annes. this is probably the girliest shit ive done in a long time. i feel... renewed lmao. not saying i have really hairy eyebrows.. o god now i sound like bert *or as allen would say bernie* hmm lets see. what else is going on? allens friends are the shit. i was in such a bad mood and then i went to read allies journal because a lot of people there say that we have a lot in common and it was talking about her getting a button maker (which i just got for christmas and i was like all excited about to read someone else actually wanted one) and then i check liz's and she got benny and joon!!! woo who! :) and now im all happy. benny and joon is the most adorable movie in the entire world. i swear to god i need to like.. smash potatoes with tennis rackets and iron grilled cheese sandwiches. he is the most adorable thing in the entire world... like not just the character alone, but him. i mean he has to be somewhat like that in real life right? i cant even like... eat raisins now. (well i didnt really eat them before but now i cant look at them without feeling bad). i love that movie and right now i love life. today was a great day, and i cant wait to go home and watch some random johnny depp movie. its like 5:13, and i need to be home by 10. so i have to get up at 9. so that gives me... hmmm i have noo idea. lmao im in such a great mood. anne has this friend from like texas or some shit who she met online and she told that i was hypocrital for smoking weed and trying to get eric off heroin. this situation got really out of hand at one point in time and i wanted to shoot anne for it, but i kind of calmed down about it *DIDNT FORGET ABOUT IT BY ANY MEANS, AND STILL Am KIND OF WANTING TO KILL HER FOR IT* so this kid randomly brings it up when i ask him if he's going to call anne... and he's like "well u smoke pot! and ur a hypocrite" so im like gee anne its really cool when you tell random assholes about my adventures with the reeeefer lmao. no its ridiculous. people are so fucking irritating. i dont even like.. smoke that often, im not like some asshole about it.. i dont think.. i dont know. whatever. im just sick of random people just thinking they know the first thing about me. sheesh. i dont even kno why she would tell that kid in the first place, and even tho i tell allen everything he's a good enoughj person to not come back and say shit thats completely irrelevant that stabs people right in the fucking heart. yup. so anne, im really really... irritated. and this bobby kid is a fucking loser. but for some reason this is like the funnest day ever. we went to the dollar theater! woo who! :) j-me took me cuz he got his liscense today. he's a really good driver and we had a lot of fun. we went with anne, cjizzle, michellesicle, and eric.. we lost j-mes cell phone lmao it like fell 3 rows back and we were trying to call it and like find it in the middle of the shittiest movie ever. alright im talking to this bobby kid lmao what a fucking loser        Read 1 - Post   you give me life, so tonight take me there    04:51pm 30/12/2003   i want your love, i need your touch for the rest of eternity together baby, fly with me eternally you and me, we are meant to be. yeah, alright, *right now* lets spend the night together wake up and live forever yeah, alright *right now* we'll spend the night together, wake up and life foreveeeer! yeah those lyrics are prolly wrong but you know how it is.. i dont really give a shit. you know what i was listening to yesterday? taht song by like boys II men or something its like "can somebody tell me how to get things back, the way they used to be. oh god give me a reason, im down on bended knee" (its called bended knee) anyway! how are you! umm.... yesterday without parental consent i went and got my belly button pierced. how, my love, did i do this, you ask? well me and danielle look very mucho alike (im talkin very much alike...) and everyone thinks im like 19 so i just used danielles i.d. cuz number one she was half asleep when i asked her and number two she was being really cool about it.. and i just used her i.d. and since she's 18 i didnt need parental consent. andi, who is also very cool, drove me to the tattoo place in mentor and we got it done. now i have to clean it like with 4 things a day and i'll be set! im planning on telling mom about it in a month and a half because thats like.. the length i have to put the that cleaning stuff on it and after that it wont be like easy to get it infected so im going to be like "HA! see now theres no risk involved and not all belly button piercings get infected you WARPED MINDED EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR". oh yes, and that is all for today. its already been too close of calls for me to like.. be writing this in the basement of my dad and stepmom. i'll prolly tell them in like.. a year or 5. lmao so... what else has been going on? new years keeps fucking coming closer.. but im trying to focus on the positive aspects of it like for instance how i'll be able to maybe make some good changes and help some more people and become more positive instead of thinking of all the things this new year is going to lack. ugh. i hate change so fuckin much. ugh ugh ugh. alright, much love. i miss allen. ALLEN GET ONLINE ALRIGHT? xoxoxoxoxox, me        Read 1 - Post   your good intentions count for little anymore. if youre sorry, then why wage war?    08:44pm 28/12/2003   happy new year all! lol. no. i fuckin hate new years. well now i am officially the godmother of my lil sherm. ;) umm im not sure whats goin on para anos nuevo, alright we have to do some stupid family thing that ends at like 11 or something but then theres the catch, i could EITHER go to my cousin davids who's like in his 2nd year of college house who's having 60 somethin people over and 2 kegs, or i could go chill with lin z and stacy and abby and carly and them who will prolly be inhaling some illegal substances which are not good for the body so i might just have to go with david's house. which is prolly what i'll end up doing anyway, and if i were to smoke on new years i'd just like prolly end up getting even more depressed and shooting myself in the face. so no, i'm prolly goin to dave's unless another alternative happens to arrive that sounds more appealing. as of everything else, im not sure what else is going on. i havent really had a full conversation with allen in a while.. which sucks... cuz now he hates me... what else is going on? im in cleveland till the 2nd, and my christmas was really nice. i got a button maker!!!! wooo who!!!! im going to make you all fabulous buttons when i get the chance alrighty? i also got PUNK and white fluffy clouds and a bunch of jack shiat. and also, i got pirates of the carribean and benny and joon! :) quality johnny depp movies i'll tell you that much. umm.. what else has been goin out? allison, my cousin who i havent seen in like 2 years is now a huge stoner who's like on the road straight to where andi was. i didnt even say that, andi did. and i've never heard her say that baout anyone else so im pretty sure she might know what she's talking about. she's like failing all her classes now and last year she had like a 4.0 it sucks life is a biatch like that. alright tho, im trying to think of what else i can fill you in on... i hate change. lol.. i hate change for the worse and i always think that im changing for the worse.. please tell me that im not guys, because if i am, tell me too so i can change back for the better. i dont mean to be changing for the worse i do try to keep up my like.. happy meter and i know its been down and one of my resolutions is to like bring that bitch back up so that i can spread the joy and comfort that i once did. hopefully i still do, in my state of fake happiness that ive surrounded myself in as an extra comforting blanket to shut you all out with. maybe this year will be a bettter one for all of us. i dont like starting off the new year thinking that allen hates me, allen means more to me than any of you are ever going to understand. i had a really screwed up dream about hiM! *i took like a 5 hour "nap" today* lmao allen if youre reading this ask me to tell you about it and i will. umm... lets see... i havent written in here lately because i have this whole new journal thing that i like just bitch and bitch and bitch in. im not sure if its really a healthy thing to do.. but i odnt know. maybe one day i'll let you read it when i get passed all the crap that im deeming too important or too ridiculous to let you in on. dont feel like your missing out, its basically just like "i hate life! im so mad!" and all that crap that i'd feel terrible about letting you read anyway. well, i love you. i love you very much and im in a really good mood right now. :) so i'll leave it off right here. i'll prolly update more later on okay? i love you. i love you! i love you love you love you.        Post   and all of this is all your fault.    11:48pm 22/12/2003   hey! most of you have been wanting me to update, so heres a nice lil update for you- (please excuse me if this entire entry is written with sarcasm.) today i went to the movies with sara and j-me. yeah, it was really cool! it was really cool for many reasons. one of them was that sara had said this was her big chance to make a move on j-me.. so that means i have to sit there and watch a movie while two people are sucking face.. which they both dont have enough guts to do... so i didnt really worry about it. then, another reason why this was so great is because j-me had already been mad at me that day for absolutely no reason benounced to me, unless you count me saying that he liked my sister, which seemed pretty true to most of the spectators that were involved in the situations.. and i was just pulling his fucking chain, and he said the reason why he was in a bad mood was because he hadnt eaten. great j-me. maybe you should fucking eat then and be quiet. also, it was cool because j-me had said his first mean thing to me in the whole record of our friendship. so today was filled with MANY great events! so we get to the movies, and sara and j-me want to sit in the crappiest spot in the theater so i sit a couple of rows in front of them, since i obviously wasnt going to miss anything anyway because she had planned on making a move on him anyway, and since she told me i wasnt even allowed to sit next to him either.. so yeah! cool friends i have! (yeah and im being cool for bitching about them in a blurty.. whatever. dont give a shit.) so we get there, they're sitting like 5 rows behind me, i dont really give a shit so i borrow j-mes cell phone and ask anne to come so i could have some fucking company and she's on the other line with cj so she gets a ride with cj up there. meanwhile, like 5 seconds before anne gets there sara and j-me come and sit by me. so since im on the isle, im sitting next to sara and then saras sitting next to j-me. and we saw like some shitty dollar movie which was like the funniest fucking thing ive ever seen it was like "HOUSE OF THE DEAD" lmao it was so bad. it was like random shirtless people and then these ugly ass zombies between clips of the videogame being shown lol. so yeah, it was pretty eventful... so then anne and cj get there and we're all kind of amazed at how shitty the movie is. well all of us that actually were being normal.. me and sara were alright but j-me like wouldnt fucking talk to me and he had a stick up his ass the whole fucking movie. so yeah, whatever. DONT CARE. aright, so what else happened? so yeah we were just kinda chillin there watching the shitty movie for a while... and then i couldnt take it anymore. i seriously couldnt watch that crappy movie and be in between like j-me and sara who like eachother and anne who likes cj and just watch a crappy movie with all the love strucken tension in the air hahah so i decided to jet and go to DQ with anne and cj i was like "alright we'll meet you after the movie." but then we came back in after like 2 minutes we snuck back up on them and i was singing the song "kiss the girl" from the little mermaid between j-me and saras chair and he told me to go to hell.. and he was like seriously pissed off at me even tho i was just fucking around which was even COOLER.. so yeah i said to meet us outside after the movie, so we drove to dairy queen which was ever so conveniently closed so we got gas and made it back 15 minutes before the movie was supposed to end. so yeah, we were dancing in the rain because we turned up cjs stereo really loud and opened the doors and were just fucking dancing around it was the best thing ever and everyone we saw we wished merry christmas too. its really cool becuase cj doesnt mind making an ass out of himself at the risk of putting a smile on someone elses face :) its the best feeling ever. anyway, so yeah.. i dont know im addicted to peoples smiles i cant help it! alright anyway, back to being completely and utterly pissed off at them... so 40 minutes go by.. we had to like find a way to get inside the fucking NOW LOCKED theater cuz the movie was supposed to end like over a half an hour ago and wer're standing outside in the fucking cold rain waiting... and then we go back in and the fucking movie theater is empty. so LUCKILY i could get a ride home with cjay and right when i get home andi's like "sara left her cell phone in my car!" which we already knew the number to but saras mom had called cuz they hadnt fuckin come out and it was just fucking RIDICULOUS. because then J-ME FUCKING CALLS ME and is like "hey." and i dont even fucking REMEMBER what ELSE he said because hes a JACKASS who i want to DIE right now.. umm.. yeah.. no. so i told him that saras mom was there and he's like "we told you guys we werent coming back outside" im like you fucking LIAR that NEVER happened so it turned out they just went into another movie when it ended. yeah. it was cool. theyre great friends. yeah.. me and sara worked out some shit.. j-mes just a jackass who doesnt know how to fucking work anything out because he thinks about shit too much and doesnt like to look like he gives a fuck about anyone so whatever. im done fucking giving a fuck about him since he doesnt know how to care about me.. so whatever. bye j-me! i had a great night despite the fact that j-me is an ass and doesnt even know why im mad right now. so here you go j-me, heres a nice little list of the reasons why im mad at you. if this isnt clear enough- fuck your mother. me and cj danced in the rain and just laughed at how retarded we were. its great :) i love you, whoever you are, if youre names not j-me. cya guys later. i hope you liked this update. i sure as hell didnt. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxo bye :)        Read 2 - Post   ;)    06:32pm 18/12/2003   this holiday is over rated. it turned out, the way i expected this holiday is one to forget another year, this time i'll regret that i spend too much time and money on you! :) im just kidding. not that bitter... at the second... 7763 southwick drive. stancrest. hey guys ive gotten many remarks that i should update. its nice to know you guys are readin ;) well i just went out shopping for some last minute lil sumim sumim's... like for saras gift which is going to be so insanely cool that she will PISS HER PANTS. i love you guys, i wish i could make a card for everyone in the entire world that has impacted me but i'd be up for the next year making cards because just that many of you mean so much to me. i love you... all.... have a great break, and if i dont update for a little while that just means im not in a good mood. dont take it personally, i still love you and hope you have a great christmas. i'll see you around.        Read 3 - Post   too tired for tears i dread    04:00pm 12/12/2003   ummmm updates updates updates... lets see.... my cold is kind of going away! woo hoo! im goin to jessica's birthday party tonight... i feel kind of like a dick goin without a gift but i'll make her something before i go there... its at 7 and ive got to clean before then... its getting really dark really fast. I FOUND THE PIMP COAT! IT WAS IN THE BOTTOM OF THE CLOSET! WOOO WHO!!!! umm im not sure what allen wanted me to update this for, seeing as i have no life... ive been really happy the past couple of days, so happy that i cut off a chunk of my eyebrow ;) oh yeah. you know it. lmao study hall is so fuckin funny seeing as we have anne michelle misha andrew kissel BRENT and dick in there! woo who! lmao umm lets see what else is goin On? its a weekend, who could be upset on a weekend? not me! :) my hair looked so fucking great today. it was all up and i had JBF (just been fucked) hair according to everyone. sara did it. she like licked her fingers when she was doing it so the magic ingredient to making it stand up was sara spit mmm. ahahah alright, i'm done. I GOT A 89/93 on my spanish test! HELL YES. i love you.        Read 1 - Post   minor inconvenience    05:15pm 09/12/2003   please relay on caution signs and orange barrels to tunnel your way through these dark caves that twist and turn sharply and unexpectedly through my mind. i'm going to turn on my warning signals before lashing out but they might be descrete and unable to identify until distance lies between you and the problem. i'm not asking for an apoligy. i'm asking for a chance to explain. i only desire one minute that i can extinguish my stash of burrowed thoughts and harboring worries out onto someone that i know will hold me close once more when its all over. please dont believe me cruel. you never quite understand every crevice of the situation we think on such seperate terms that your apoligys seem to be more and more polyester each time around. but the task of faking empathy is one of more benefits than of truly meaning it. i am unable to shove all my thoughts onto a silver platter for you to devour and if i were, you wouldnt even probably finish them. you'd get past the ones that you were anticipating, and then politely choke down a few more before leaning back in your seat, as a signal of having enough. by the time you would have even gotten around to my thoughts i would have had to remicrowave them so many times that they'd be completely artificial and unrealistic, with only the mere presence of the real source of where they came from. And you do this, without even recognizing that i have surrounded my thoughts which such nice distractions like the dainty china that i knew you wanted to see.        Read 2 - Post   fkwejf;lwejf!    10:04pm 07/12/2003   believing you would be a crime true to commit true to believe reconsidering all of my lack of apathy and redecyphering your signs that meant nothing to me inspiration reaching and not yet catching sweet simplistic distractions that all are caused from one main attraction the smile thats worn when you think im not watching the words that you say when you think no ones listening the screams you comply with when its all just a test all just a plot all just an inconceviable dream that wont ever produce itself outside of sleep laugh with me, when we both are decaying inside talk with me when you want nothing more than to retreat back into your shell believe in me when i cant even muster enough courage to believe in myself lets pretend that we're going to be fine because in pretending together we can convince eachother that its true when reality escapes through the leak in the bottom of the door when we're pleasantly lifted above reality we hide the guilt below the surface and just smile numbly at how good it feels not to feel and we'll hide or indescretions, and we'll pretend we dont notice side affects when really inside our sight is going blind. my priorities differ from yours listed in order from humane to public decency with my laughter at your ignorance stifled i wonder if i'll ever get back to the way i was or if i will is that where i'll want to be? im distinguished, personal, and am actively processing your requests although if one includes the deliberate reshaping of me it will be immediately removed from the list and you shall be hunted down i am not original, but nor am i a follower of unknown reasons i dont hesitate to take a chip off the iron fist if my practicallity meter starts to go off i also dont mind breaking out of the metal bars containing your ideas and restricted minds the world is filled with busy streets and unsuspecting neighbors its overpopulated with people who have no intention of going anywhere of success or happiness. There are people who desire to be on top but wont ever take the risks and live constricted lives there are those who believe they have what it takes but wont ever leave the garage but talent is in the eye of the beholder if you want to be elevated, you stand 10 feet taller than everyone else. you try day and night to live up to your goals you realize when youve made it and relax and live in the moment. you dont ever give up until that point. the world is filled with so many look alikes, so many drones, so many unimportant people who have no inention of impacting anyone. .... and then you have me. you'll see. one day. you'll see me :) on an unrelated note- its sadistic, its twisted, and its completely natural for any human to distort each ounce of information they hear and they devour the juicy details yet indulge upon extra monstrocities that werent ever present and pass it on to the next consumer until its completely blown out of proportion and the miniscule situation has now become a disaterous, perposterous problem thats untameable by any person.        Post

mastascrappla Friends Info Calendar     skip     Backward Forward