| 03:37pm 01/09/2005 | |||
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| 07:04pm 31/08/2005 | |||
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things i've started doing this year, my senior year, i've started becoming more and more depressed, more sappy, more pathetic, less known, less loved. i feel like i'm fatter than i've ever been and i feel like everytime everyone looks at me they're thinking "god, shes gotten fat as hell." i know that sounds so lame, but i feel like i'm the most hideous person i've ever seen, and i dont think anyone even knows what the hell is going through my head half the time. i feel totally disconnected with the people around me. with ALL the people around me. i feel like i'm just trapped inside my little shell and i've seriously just accepted the fact that this is where i'll be forever so i've stopped wearing my nails down from trying to get through the layers seperating me from my world. i've started listening to elliott smith religiously. i love chai tea so much that i dont even bother going to get free ones at urban coffee anymore, i just bought my own chai and my own soy milk (which i also am in love with) and make it here myself. i've started trying desperately to expan my music selection more (which i am always trying to do, but am now really trying to do). i'm trying to live up to my reputation of being responsible, of being dependant and someone worthy of being here in all of my roles. i've started to let go of all of the haunts i have about my mother. even relfecting upon that last entry it stings at my insides that i even wrote that because i'm trying to get over it. i need to keep in mind that it DOES happen, but i also dont think i should be so one-sided about it. i need to give my mother credit for being such a great person and doing all of the things she's accomplished so far in her relatively short life. i think the reason why i have three different journals is because i have three different versions of my self. i cant just place myself out there for all of you to view, i have to try desperately to appear worthy in your eyes. this is all about you, this is all for you. i dont know whats going on with me. i keep thinking about how much of a fucking downer i am right now and how i shoudlnt even be in a relationship with anyone right now (i'm not just talking jaime, i'm talking everyone) because i cant even get my own shit together. i'm constantly paranoid and jealous, and i really all together jsut feel even more like shit about myself because of how good i feel about jaime and how i dont fucking deserve him. i've got to get back to my dead journal, i feel a little safer there. |
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| 03:51am 10/08/2005 | |||
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you know, often i find myself wondering what it would be like to live in a house with a normal family. i wonder what it would be like to have a sister who didnt go to rehab for cocaine, another sister who didnt habitually smoke marijuana, and a brother that wasnt young enough to be my own child. ofcourse, when talking about normality, we must first consider the parental influences guiding us. well, i've called my father every name in the book except normal (and perhaps correct), and my head constantly throbs from the screaming matches i have with my mother. in all honesty, i dont really give a shit about being normal. i gave up on that a long time ago. it wasnt even the notion of normal or "fitting in" that i wanted. hell, in every aspect of my life i stick out like a sore thumb, and i've grown accustomed to that... i would even go so far as to say a part of me LIKES that. but what i've never wanted is that channel of negative energy that comes along with being abnormal. all i want is a little fucking peace and comfort. if it takes normality to reach that- then thats what i'm willing to work towards. as a 17 year old, my notion of normal is the parent that makes the kids lunches to take to work, not the other way around. normal is the parents hauling the childrens asses out of beds, not the child beating the mother senseless with a pillow 5 minutes before she's supposed to be on the road to work. normal is the parent constantly trying to reason with the kid, not the kid being asked to "lower the bar". normal is bass akwards from the way i live my own life. its also very difficult to decipher whats normal when you live next door to the macks. the macks very well could be the smiths or the johnsons, or any other name-brand american family that comes prepackaged and fully equipped to raise the responsible, wonderful children in suburban america today. mrs. mack always gets a little glint of warning in her eyes when one of her children walks towards my yard. the mere though of them crossing the invisible line seperating our yards is more than she can apparently handle, and will serve in the utmost corruption of her jello mold children. i dont know how in the hell i landed on this edge of the culdasack. not in a million years would i ever picture myself beign here. and it also sucks because i'm constantly forced to walk my dog, just so that the neighbors dont think we're abusive and call the damn dog-police on our asses. i'm so tired. i'll rant more later. |
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| i'm going to shoot someone. | |||
| 07:29pm 11/07/2005 | |||
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hello everyone: my old journal, my old free space of writing, my old life. its nice to see youre sitting there with that bleak look on your face, that "i told you you would come back" satisfaction leaking through your smirk. well, i dont know what else to tell you- i knew i'd be back too. i dont know why i even bother making online journals. i fill them with things that i dont want people to read, and then post it in my profile and let people prod their noses into my inner most thoughts. what kind of fucking purpose does a journal serve that you feel afraid to write your own experiences in? well... it wasnt serving much of one at all for me. hey, i'm gabz. you might remember me from other places- i'm the really friendly one that manages to keep a level, slightly pesimistic mindset and bring fun back into ridiculous situations. i'm the one that had lyrics scribbled all over my arms and my tattered jeans that made you look over in disgust and ask if i had a piece of paper. i'm the one that tamed myself into becoming such a useless, waste of space this summer. i'm the one who cant help but argue with my mother because i'm not going to be that fucking idiot that stands aside and gets treated like shit all of their lives. i'm your senior class president, when i still feel like a fucking freshman. i'm the one with those four scars on my leg that havent healed since over a year ago. i'm the one dating that "really hot guy" you all wonder how i ended up with. i'm the one who gets shipped off to my dads house when my psychotic mother "is fed up with me". i'm the one who wishes, prays, and hopes to god i could blend in like all of you just for a minute. i'm that egocentric, argumentative person that is up for new ideas and new music but cant TOLERATE intolerant people. i'm one big oxymoron and it's all i've ever been able to be. i'm the one with the notes scrawled in untidy handwriting to myself in efforts to coax my way through dysfunctional situation, in failing attempts to bring myself back from the edge of the windowsill when no one even knows how close i am to jumping. i cant go on. i'm out of fuel. |
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| i stole this from michelle b, who stole it from michelle p, n god knows which michelle SHE stole it | |||
| 01:21pm 22/02/2005 | |||
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from.... lol thanks for cuttin me off, subject. [Name] gabrielle ciofanay [Nickname] gabz, zbag, bzga [Screen name] yerc00ln0w [Birthday] June 18th, 1988 [Astrological sign] gemini [Chinese zodiac sign?] Dragon [Location] home of wendys YEAH. dublin ohio [Sexual Preference] on top [Marital Status] dating..? wait how do you answer this one.. do you say like "taken" or what [Religion] Catholic [Eye color] hazel [Height] 5'9 [Shoe size] 9 1/2 [Parents still together] no siree [Siblings] 1 lil brother :) and 2 sisters :( (just kidding. i love them more.) [Nieces/Nephews] not to my knowledge but who knows. [Pets] maxamilion, balou and beaner. and now harvey the fish. [What do you drive] haha.rub it in. ******Favorites******* [Color] Green or black [Number] 8 [Animal] pola bears and giraffes and ostirches [Vehicle] escalade. but i want a yellow monte carlo [Flower] white roses [Scent] j-mes cologne [Drinks] diet dr. pepper [Book] the perks of being a wallflower [Band] i dont know. too many. [Song] no. DO YOU... [Twirl your hair?] when i'm nervous i messs with my hair. with three s's. [Have tattoos?] not yet. [Have Piercings?] ears and belly button. [Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?] yeah i'm dating jaime halmmmmmmtree [Cheat on tests/homework?] tests? thats awful! homework? thats acceptable. and tests are sometimes MEANT to be cheated on. they lOVE it. [Drink/Smoke?] i smoke the occasional marijuana every couple months. no drinking for me though. [ Like roller coasters?] NO. [Wish you could live somewhere else?] sometimes. [Want more more piercings?] yes. [Like cleaning?] not. at. all. [Write in cursive or print?] print [Swear a lot?] yes.. hahh thats why i gave it up for lent my dear. [Own a web cam?] no and i think they're creepy. if i bought a webcam i'd feel like i was buying porno. [Know how to drive?] yes. sometimes i get confused though. [Diet?] i should be. [Own a cell phone?] yeah. waschonumba baby? [Ever get off the damn computer?] depends how LONG this survey is going to take. (lol i act like this is required.) ****Have you ever***** [Gotten a speeding ticket?] no [Been in a wreck?] yes. [Been arrested?] i WISH! [Been in a fist fight?] i wish on that one too. i wanna get in a cat fight sometime while i'm still a minor with someone who provokes the shhhhhhhhhh... out of me. [Kicked someone in the nuts?] accidentally... or so i said [Stolen anything?] ive never stolen anything in my LIFE. [Held a gun?] a paintball gun. [Drank?] yes [Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name?] probably but i wouldnt KNOW cuz i dont REMEMBER. [Considered a life of crime?] YES. it'd probably be more interesting. [Considered being a hooker?] i've considered how repulsive it would be to have some old diseased men inside my vagina, if thats what youre asking. [Have you ever cried over a girl?] probably i cry over everyone. [Cried over a boy?] lol yes. [Lied to someone?] yeah. its a really bad habit. [Been in love?] yes. [Made out with JUST a friend] yep lol [Been rejected?] yes i have in 5th grade by blake maceachern. [Been in lust?] definately. [Used someone?] ... [Been used?] oh i dont doubt it in the slightest. [Been cheated on?] no. and i dont plan to. i told j-me if we were to get married and he cheated on me i was getting EVERYTHING. including the ostrich, the farm, the poodle, and i was going to take a sledgehammer to every window on his mustang and put sugar in the gas tank and then set it on fire. "why would you put sugar in the gas tank if you were going to set it on fire?" "so the sugar would carmalize, j-me." [Experimented with homosexuality?] ohhh boy. is that a story to be told. [Current mood] tired. [Current taste] bland breath. [Current hair] irritating. very short in the back, longer in the front. failed attempt at spiking cuz i've laid down since then. [Current thing I ought to be doing] practicing for the talent show [Current cds in stereo] some stupid pop hits vol. 643534 so i can practice my song. [Current crush senor halm [Current job] nnnnnnnnnnone! *****The last time***** [Last book you read] huck finnnn [Last movie you saw] finding neverland. i cried. [ate] some banana bar. it was pretty bad. [Last person you talked to on the phone] my mom this morning ******Do you***** [Do drugs?] not frequently. [Have a dream that keeps coming back?] yes. [Play an instrument?] i used to play the clarinet lol [Believe there is life on other planets?] lol i thought that said believe there is love on other planets. and yes, i do. [Remember your first love?] yes lol. [Still love him/her?] no that kid is an idiot. and he got a lot... rounder since kindergarten. [Read the newspaper?] not unless one of my article's is in it. [Have any gay or lesbian friends?] indeed [Believe in miracles?] definately. [Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?] yes [Consider yourself tolerant of others?] i'm tolerant of most people. [Consider love a mistake?] not usually. [Have a favorite candy] i like gum. a lot. [Believe in astrology?] yeah kinda [Believe in magic?] yes [Believe in God?] yes [Do well in school?] when i'm not being a douchebag. [Go to or plan to go to college] yeah but i dont wanna talk about it until it happens okay? [Wear hats?] not mostj ust my jack beanie [Hate yourself?] not usually [Have an obsession?] THE SIMS 2 [Have a secret crush?] no [Do they know yet?] no [Collect anything?] i collect NBC merch. [Have a best friend?] sometimes lol [Close friends?] yes [Like your handwriting?] its legible. sometimes.. [Care about looks?] looks are a joke, but thats usually something that ugly people say so there you have it! im just bitter and self concious. *****Love life***** [single or attached?] attached. [Ever been in love?] didnt you already ask me this? what a redundant little ridiculous test i'mtaking. [Do you believe in love at first sight?] I ALREADY SED YES. [Do you believe in "the one?"] yes [Describe your ideal significant other] looks wise: tall, lanky, with nice teeth. someone who makes me laugh and can keep conversation up and loooooooves me times a million. and someone who is tolerant of my taste in music. and someone who's tolerant of other people and has a conscience and uses it. and is named jaime halm. ******Juicy stuff******* [Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?] i dont play games, i just remove clothing. [Are you a tease?] nope [Shy to make the first move?] not anymore. i'm like BAM and there i am! ******Are you a…******* [Wuss] yeah [Druggy] no [Daydreamer] yea [Freak] indeed [Dork] nooooooooot really [Bitch/Asshole] yeah i really am sometimes. [Brat] can be. [Sarcastic] not at all. [Angel] no but i always wanted to be one when i was little. [Devil] *SMACK* [Shy] around danielle's friends,yes. and its OVER. thank you,come again. |
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| no i will never let it break me! | |||
| 01:17pm 22/02/2005 | |||
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:) hi lovely. i'm perfectly content right now, listening to my everclear song and prepping myself for the possibilities of tonight. i could either get booed off the stage, or i could do a good job wait wait wait this is my favorite part-- baby lets just run away. its whispered. thats probably why i love it so much. and because of how much it must have mean to art. they played it at his wedding, this string quartet. thats amazing. well i'm sorry i havent been able to update you. its probably cuz i dont really have much time to myself (not blaming anyone or saying that i'm unhappy about that) i just wish i forced myself to write more. theres big pieces of my story missing. i read about how some girl just got her book published. that makes me so irate. lol. i wish i could publish a book before college. that would be so amazing. boy- that would be amazing. ugh. i gotta get to crackin. i have like 10 beginnings of books but nowhere in order. i've got to start that. i love you so much. i'm so content right now. i really dont want you to think i've changed because i have slightly but i'm still gabz. i'm still the same young, lively, positive attitude destined for something good. and i'll be danged if that ever changes. (gave up swearing for lent--- like always.) got the different kieieieiinds with different ways itw ould take a lifetime to explain not one's the same. lol since i'm singing no doubt "sunday morning" for the talent show tonight i've been listening to that cd nonstop... but entertwining it with some everclear. u kno u kno. the sky is full of clouds and my worlds full of people.. :) :) :) i feel dangerously happy. and it makes me think that i'm going to die soon or something. wow that really scares me. i feel liek i'm so happy that it could potentially be my last day on this earth. thats a really scary thought. i hope to see all of you at the talent show. today is mine and j-mes 1 year anniversary. i plan on saying that right after i sing. :) the reason why i wrote in here is because i was sitting here listening to that everclear song "learnign how to smile" and i was thinking about what it would be like if me and jaime just left. like... people would be sitting there waiting for me to come on and i wouldnt be there. i would be somewhere with the sun overhead, on the open road with not a care in the world. i used to dream of leaving and going to michigan to see everyone. now i just dream of leaving sometimes. then i think about all the horrible things and how bad it would be to not have things that i need or to live like those A-holes that huck finn meets while he's on that frickin raft. i swear- if i was him i'd have just strangled those guys instead of feeding into their whole bullcrap game of being the "duke and king". what a frickin joke. now he's screwed over because of these idiots who brought them into their stupid plan. its OBNOXIOUS. anyway- i know it'll turn out okay. lol thats what i'm in the middle of reading right now. anyway, i do think of leaving sometimes. and what it'll be like when i'm gone. and what my senior year is going to bring. i'm actually really excited. here are the classes i've signed up for- advanced ceramics photography advanced drawing acrylic painting AP literature (with c DOUBLE O K E!) Journalism (ofcourse) algebra three (dear god. another year as a failure) choir and government. and something else... i cant think of what else... isnt that SWEET? i'm really excited because it'll be awesome to have so many art and english and... OH YEAH. YEARBOOK! thats the other class. if it doesnt work out- i'm dropping choir. i'm sure that'll irritate me because since it'll be my first year i'll be in with a bunch of freshman or something. and i cant site read music.... so forget it. alright- this was fun. but my high is slowly dieing down and i'm just becoming a little less excited and a little more... ah i dont know i'm about to take a nap though because i'm really tired. xoxoxo |
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| a thousand pounds have been lifted off my shoulders | |||
| 08:51pm 10/02/2005 | |||
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well that was the longest, most intense 18 minutes of my life. ive never had my heart beating that fast for fear of what a phone conversation had to offer- what harsh words would be uttered in my direction. thats the first time i've ever been so relieved to call that number since you went to rehab. i forget the name of the program now. but brittany answered the phone and i automatically froze. i go "hi may i please speak to mrs. stiller?" and she goes "no she's not home" and i was like "can i please speak to... not mr. stiller..." "mr. treusch?" "YEAH." "sure one second." and i hear her dad in the background ask who was on the phone so she asks and then when i tell her its gabz her voice lightens, kind of like she's happy to hear from me. i really miss you too brittany. i cant possibly explain what your entire family means to me. you're all great. she really cares about you. even if you dont see it now- you will. you'll see it when you're "grabbing life by the nads" (according to rick) and praising her for not letting you become what you could have, what you should have. that black hole should have sucked you in long before, but you've got a ticket out- a key back to normalcy. why are you taking so long to finally unlock what justly belongs to you? "he could be writing his own ticket. the kids got smarts. he's got a lot of friends, a great personality. the girls love him too." i couldn't help but laugh at that last one. it seemed so perfect of him to slip that in the conversation there. he knew how i felt about you. i'm not sure how long you've been in there now, but i know you wont graduate this year. i also know that you're supposed to stay for over twelve months and that you cant receive letters until you reach level 3 or 4 progress. rick said to call back in a month to see if you've made it there yet. i can only pray, because i've been wanting to write you ever since i heard you were gone. i also wanted to come see you and cry with you and hug you until your addiction completely was something of the past. i wanted to fill in your empty spaces with something constructive, something beneficial. something that would serve some purpose other than leaving you waking up starved for a fix the next afternoon. something that didnt require a 40 dollar a day addiction. something that you didnt need to make you feel okay and wanting to live. you started doing it because you were curious- you keptdoing it because you couldnt stay normal without it. never once did it make you happy... and thats all youve ever wanted. thats all i've ever wanted. dont consider me a crutch. all of the laws of AA and NA consider me one of those people that are the downfall of their programs, the downfall of any person changing their lives around for themselves. i dont agree. i believe that if i gave you a taste of what it would feel like again- even if it was just a teaser- of what life could feel like breathing through and being able to taste the air. being able to be at ease and comfortable with who you are NOT on drugs. give yourself opportunity to love the real eric. my god do i sound like a textbook. you are my muse. you are the only thing that has given me a reason to write in this journal today, and you couldn't possibly understand what thats like. i wonder if you ever think about me. i wonder if you ever look back to the days before anything corrupted us, before we ever really knew what we were talking about, before life decided to shake us for all we were worth. now we're both skewed in completely different directions, still not knowing a damn thing in which we speak of, trying various approaches to life that dont seem to be fitting society's requirements. although my decisions havent landed me in rehab for heroin, i'm not socially looked highly upon. each time i meet someone new i still get that "something stuck to the bottom of your shoe" glare that adults have down pat by the time in their lives. i dont know where i was going with that, but thats it. thats all the time ive been alloted to express my wants, fears, and aspirations for you. thats all the time iv'e been given by my pointless routine of droning and wasting my time away to discuss matters that really mean something to me. i have no remorse about not starting that damn english paper. you really mean the world to me. i know this is something that wont die with time, that wont change with the weather, and wont ease on the pain scale. i know that even after 5 years, i still cant think about being out of contact with you- even if its without you knowing i'm writing to you right now. i cant picture what the world would be like if i didnt fall back on eric stiller when i needed a good laugh. you had a court hearing since you were caught with possession like 6 months ago of weed, and it would have been expunged if you had done like 25 hours community service and stayed on probation for 6 months. since you went to rehab you didnt have the opportunity to complete that. life's funny how it works- because now the judge made it so if you quit your rehab program before your 12 months are up- you go to jail for 90 days. thats a little incentive to stay, isnt it? its funny how life cracks down on you to get a result thats ultimately good for you in the end. i'm not sure if i'll even tell you this before youre fully recovered. you'll probably just stop talking to me for a couple of months if i tell you any of this before youre ready to hear it. it'll be an interesting road from here out. youre in a program now where you're sent to different houses with 3 different boys each week, and the rehab focuses on heroin and cocaine. from the minute you get to each house your shoes and bags get locked up and theres an alarm system. it costs 15 dollars a day for housing, and the insanely high amount of fees for the rehab itself. please make the most of this. i remember going through the family therapy sessions with my sister. i remember sitting there while our family jumped down her throat and attacked her on everything she ever did wrong. it was necessary. i hated it- but it was necessary. change is also necessary. in your case i hope it's for the better- like hers was. i'd be the most blessed person on earth to see two people that i deeply care about defeat drug addiction. all of this information came from rick. rick said youre also pulling the whole "its my life" crap. no- its all of our lives. we all love you to fucking death. i dont mean to speak for anyone but myself, but I LOVE YOU TO FUCKING DEATH. YOU CANT BE THIS STUPID FOREVER. you have an opportunity... take it. this is what youve always wanted since you started this and you fucking know it. tap into that little part of your brain that is HAPPY to be there and channel it. dont give me that bullshit, and dont let the asshole in you take over. i really do miss you. so much more than i can explain. keep that, cherish that, know that. and become what i know youre capable of becoming. theres no use in living like cole. love, me. |
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| survey (cuz i'm just sweet like that) | |||
| 09:28pm 02/02/2005 | |||
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fun shit right here- ENTER MY WORLD. [ Series 1 ] Name: Gabz Ciofani Age: 16 Birthday: June 18, 1988 Birthplace: Bellefontaine, Oh Current Location: Columbus, OH Eye Color: Hazel Hair Color: who knows. blone with darker brown streaks. it looks pretty SWEET right now. Zodiac Sign: Gemini [ Series 2 - Your favorite... ] Music: i've been listening to everclear's greatest hits over and over again recently, goin back to my 7th grade roots. damn straight. Cartoon: family guy or the simpsons Car: lincoln navigator or an escalade. i also want a bright yellow corvette Slushy Flavor: ahahah i dont know i think i'm more of a cherry person than anything else TV Show: u know i have no idea. not much of a TV watcher, but i do love the movie cheaper by the dozen. Song at the Moment: "learning how to smile" by everclear. it makes me cry hysterically when i hear it. Subject in School: Journalism :) Weekend Activity: hanging out with my 3 friends ;) Frozen Yogurt: i'm not sure. since i answered the question about my favorite song i've been listening to it and just about to cry. Roller Coaster: i hate roller coasters. Book: The Perks of Being a Wallflower [ Series 3 - What is... ] Your most overused phrase: "thats/youre ridiculous/obnoxious" "SWEET" First thing you thought when you woke up: "i wonder how much trouble i'd be in if i just didnt go to school today. i mean i'm already in academic probation- and they said they'd put me in academic probation if i missed another day... so wheres the motivation? honestly. i have no reason to be getting out of bed this early. i really have no reason to even be alive this morning. god. this sucks. well- i guess i do have to make a cereal bowl for my little brother in ceramics." Last image/thought you go to sleep with: its too late for me to get a decent amout of sleep, i'm going to die of tiredness. First feature you notice of opposite sex: what? j-me? thats what i notice in the opposite sex. how much none of them are like jaime... how completely uninterested i am in the majority of them on a sexual level. i notice how people present themselves. if they're pretending to be confident i can see right through it. Wussiest Sport: i'lll have to agree with anne and say golf Your best feature: my intensity level. Your greatest fear: change. death. wow i'm completely hopeless right now. Your greatest accomplishment: having people tell me how i've kept them from dieing, made them more confident, brightened their lives. Your most missed memory: too many. i feel like they fall out of my head everyday. (thus the reason why i write) [ Series 4 - You prefer... ] Pepsi or Coke: pepsi. i think i'm recently becoming addicted to pop though McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds. mcgriddles are the shit. Adidas or Nike: Adidas, Dogs or Cats: Dogs Rugrats or Doug: i cant even pick they were both great. you couldnt help but love doug and... well- the rugrats had chuckie. you had to watch just because you felt bad for the kid. Single or Taken: i'm happily taken by my lovely, j-me halm. :) Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: holy shit i thought they were the same thing One pillow or Two: 2... and a stomach pillow if i can helpit. Chocolate or Vanilla: i'm not sure. depends on the day. vanilla usually Hot chocolate or Hot cocoa: once again- those are two different things? Cappucino or Coffee: cappucino, but usually neither. they stain your teeth! [ Series 5 - Do you... ] Shower everyday: mostly, but sometimes i just fall asleep and then feel very revolting the next day. Have a crush: yeah, jaime halmtree's a pretty hot fellah. Think you've been in love: yes Want to go to college? im scared shitless of everything. thats all i can say. Like high school: jesus. i'm almost out of it. and now i'm starting to miss it/ like it. life is such a fucking bitch. Want to get married: indeed Type correctly: Usually, unless gateway sends me a faulty computer Believe in yourself: its a relative term. in some aspects yes, but others not. at all. Have any tattoos? i'm getting jack skellington on my shoulder. Have any piercings? ears/belly button. Get motion sickness: once when we were in hawaii Think you're a health freak: bullshit. is that why i like ate a huge ass bag of potato chips today just because they were IN FRONT OF ME? Get along with your parents: who knows. [ Series 6 - The future... ] Age your plan to be married: how can you plan that? i think like 26 or 28 Number and names of children: 2 a boy and two years later- a girl. Where will you be at age 20: i dont know. according to my mother- "how your grades look you wouldnt even be able to get into a school for the custodial arts!" Dream wedding: i dont want to look forward, i'm stuck looking back right now. How do you want to die: never. Dream job: journalist for alternative press magazine/ topping the new york times bestseller list. { Series 7 - Opposite sex... ] Best eye color: brown :) Best hair color: jaime's hair color. Short or long hair: jaime's hair length. Best height: jaime's height. Best weight: does it matter? Best first date location: making grilled cheese with an iron on the floor in j-mes bedroom. Best first kiss location: in my bedroom with my jack lights providing the only light after asking if there were any last requests before i killed him. [ Series 8 - Other... ] Last time you slept with a stuffed animal: no idea :( Rings before you answer the phone: usually 3 What's on your mousepad: Norvasc (amlodipine besylate) *some drug rep gave it to my moM* How many houses you've lived in: 5. How many schools you've gone to: st. margaret mary.. maire elementary, pierce middle school, perry middle school, and now my high school. Shave your head for $5,000?: i'd shave my head for a weeks worth of lunch money. yeah- thats what it's gotten down to. this foodaholic thing is really getting to me. Stranded on a desert island: whats the question? am i now? why yes- i'm stranded on a deserted island as we speak. Best time of your life so far: i've got a lot. the best day ever was one of them, valentines day last year, today was a great day :), every 5th period was great. LAST PERSON WHO . Saw you cry: andro, michelle, jaime . You shared a drink with: i was mooching off michelle bollyman's diet coke at chipotle today . You went to the movies with: i dotn know i havent been in a while . You went to the mall with: damn i havent been there in a VERY long while .Yelled at you: my mom when she asked if me and j-me were having sex yesterday..... . Sent you an email: no i dea, dont check that much either. HAVE YOU EVER... . Said "I Love You" and meant it? i say it everyday and mean it. . Gotten in a fight with your pet? YES. my cat balou attacked the shit out of my leg while i was unstringing christmas lights. and then the bitch came back for more after i shook him off. he attacked my leg and started hissing and all this shit i jumped up and yelled at him. meanwhile my grandma had just gotten in town and she sees me open up the garage door and go "GET OUTSIDE. YOU STUPID PIECE OF CRAP DONT TOUCH ME EVER AGAIN". she thought me and my mom had gotten into another fight. haha . Danced naked: horizontally ;) (joking.) . Wish you were the opposite sex? not really. guys have no emotions. . Had an imaginary friend: big banny and little banny, jake the snake, everyone who was in my "Family" that me and andi used to claim. . What book are you reading now: perks o bein a wallflower, (again.) . Future daugter's name: gabz II (just kidding) i have no idea. APHRODITE! . What's under your bed: a crapload of garbage. well that was until j-me went all ANAL on it and helped me get every last thing out from under it. . Favorite sport to watch: i dont really watch sports. sports are kinda lame. . Perfume or cologne? creme brulee (that tutti dolce from bath and body works) rag doll, and adidas moves for women . Month: June . Stone: diamonds BITCH IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU... . Cried: many, many times. . Bought something: chipotle! . Sang: all. the time. . Said "I love you": i say i love you to all of my friendsand family every day. . Wanted to tell someone you loved them: ofcourse. . Met someone new: yes, 2 people . Missed someone: yes... :( . Hugged someone: ofcourse . Kissed someone: :) about two hours ago. the reason why i began filling this out was because i couldnt bear to really talk about the real shit going on in my life. it's been helpful, but i'm still going crazy. it sucks. i hate change. i dont know when the last time i wrote in here was, but i cant fucking stand life right now. i really cant feel good right now... i hate change. we're doing all this scheduling bullshit at school and its a joke. i mean it really is. the classes i dont take last year i'll never take in high school. anne's moving to canada. she'll be in college. i remember her fucking poking her straw in her bag of milk like it was yesterday. i'll be a fucking senior. i'll have SENIORITY. and then i'll be gone. completely gone and forgotten. and then what? i dont even get to have people fill out a fucking yearbook cuz we dont get them til the next year. |
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| hello. | |||
| 11:28am 29/01/2005 | |||
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hey, i'm going to start trying to write in here again. i know no one will probably read it anymore, i mean i dont even read it anymore, but hey. thats not what its' about right? i just got off the phone with my dad/little brother james (sherm) he's one and a half now i think... yep one and 5 months and he's amazing. he knows so much shit. and i said "i love you james!" and he kissed the phone it was really cute. so i've decided that i need to write a book. immediately. i just got my transcripts and figured out that the only thing that COULD potentially save me and get me into college is writing a book and getting it published... in the next year lmao. NO. REALLY. I LOOK LIKE A DUMBASS ON PAPER. all of my grades BLOW. so.. people call me an open book sometimes. i really hate that. it makes me want to shoot them in the testicles. i bet you cant name 10 things you know about me (that ARENT in this entry) i'm taking this creative writing class thats really cool so far. but then again, ive only had 3 days of it. I'm also taking ceramics which i think will also be pretty sweet, but keep me looking dirty every B day beginning 1st period. since the valentines dance is girls ask the guys i made this huge sign for j-me and hung it up in the commons (lunchroom type area) at school saying J-ME WILL U GO W/ME TO VALENTINES?-GABZ and it was sweet. it took me an hour and a half to color and my hands were all pink the next day. gotta love crayola. i had 5 guys come up to me and tell me how they wish THEIR girlfriend would do something that cute for them. lol, you think it'd be the other way around or something. anyway, the reason why i've been prompted to write so much in the past two minutes is that i'm finishing up with this before i "click okay to restart your computer after closing out of open applications". i've got a lot to tell you though about atlanta and the ravine and well... my life. this computer is the new computer i got for christmas and it's pretty amazing. i like it a lot, besides the fact that it's probably given me more shit than most other computers have in their lifetimes (except for my old one. dear lord help me.) well... life's going crazy. i'll talk you later. oh yeah- i got into the talent show. i dont know how, but i did. after my audition i went and got the cd and just RAN. good times. xoxo, me |
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| that was an overshare. | |||
| 11:39am 20/10/2004 | |||
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HEY. the purpose of me writing in here today is to let you know many things. number one- how huge of a procrastinator i am. how INSANELY. HUGE. of a procrastinator i am. i was supposed to take this 80 question etymology test on monday... (well actually on thursday) and i still havent taken it. you know how when you have things to do you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach? well i'ts been lingering since this damn test never got taken. i also have NO studying done. it sucks. today i came to school late, and skipped etymology. i could have only missed a couple minutes of first period, but since j-me came and picked me up instead of my usual ride, we just skipped 1st and 2nd and went out to get some breakfast. it was a jolly good time. michelle was just reading someones journal who wrote this hilarious sentence that was like 8 miles long describing just how "melancholy the skies make him feel". it was great. for all of you who dont know what etymology is, its the study of word origins. yes- thats right. i'm taking a class thats over words. not just ANY words, but greek and latin root words! YES. my hair is red. its been red since the day of homecoming. me and jaime won junior class homecoming queen/king. it was awesome i screamed really loud outside of the room that i was in that was watching a movie. it was good shit, they all started laughing. i'm not one of those ditzy bitches though, for all of you that havent seen me in a while. :) no worries, i'm still gabz. when i told j-mes mom what i was doing with my hair for homecoming i was like "well i'm getting my roots redone blond and putting red in it" she was like "what like.... auburn?" lmao i was like "no. like... hot rod red." she's like "oh..." they're really conservative but they're really nice people. alright. i'll have to fill you in on all this shit later. i'm trying to upload a shitty pictcha of me for this here journal. ;) |
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| ugh | |||
| 11:06pm 15/09/2004 | |||
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my stomach is alllll tied up in knots. honest to god... i havent felt this sick and twisted before. jesus. keep the noise low, she doesnt wanna blow it shaking head to toe while your left hand does the "show me around" quicken your heartbeat it beats me straight into the ground you dont recover from a night like this a victim, still lying in bed, completely motionless a hand moves in the dark to a zipper hear a boy bracing tight against sheets barely whisper... this. is. so. messed. up. upon arrival the guests had all stared dripping wet and clearly depressed he headed straight for the stairs no longer cool but a boy in a stich, unprepared for a life full of lives and failing relationships UP THE STAIRS he keeps his hands low he doesnt wanna blow it THE STATION WHERE he's wet from head to toe and his eyes give her THE ACT BECOMES the up and the down his stomach turns and he thinks of throwing up. THE ART OF GROWING UP! but the body on the bed beckons forward and he starts growing up. the fever, the focus, the reasons that i had to believe you werent too hard to sell, DIE YOUNG AND SAVE YOURSELF! the tickle, the taste of, it used to be the reason i breathed but now it's choking me up DIE YOUNG AND SAVE YOURSELF! she hits the lights, this doesnt seem quite fair despite everything he's learned from his friends he doesnt feel so prepared she's breathing quiet and smooth he's gasping for air... "this is the first and last time" he says she fakes a smile and presses her hips into his he keeps his hands pinned down to his sides he's holding back from telling her exactly what it really feels like he is the lamb, she is the slaughter she's moving way to fast and all he wanted was to hold her nothing that he tells her really has an affect he whispers that he loves her but she's proabbly only looking for... UP THE STAIRS so much more than he could ever give THE STATION WHERE a life free of lies and a meaningful relationship THE ACT BECOMES he keeps his hands pinned down at his sides THE ART OF GROWING UP he waits for it to end and the aching in his guts to subside THE FEVER, THE FOCUS, THE REASONS THAT I HAD TO BELIEVE YOU WERENT TOO HARD TO SELL... DIE YOUNG AND SAVE YOURSELF. THE TICKLE, THE TASTE OF, IT USED TO BE THE REASON I BREATHED BUT NOW ITS CHOKING ME UP DIE YOUNG AND SAVE YOURSELF. wow. that song. makes me want to die. |
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| 10:58pm 26/08/2004 | |||
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tomoro starts the first day of school. oh what a hell this will be! i started crying when my mom asked me about it. i have tons to look forward to. |
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| anothah quizzzzzz | |||
| 02:06am 16/08/2004 | |||
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i n f o r m a t i o n 1. name: g to the a to the b to the z 2. single or taken: i am taken. 3. sex: feemale 4. birthday: june 18th, 1988 5. sign: geminemini 6. siblings: andi, danielle, and halfway sherm. 7. hair color: its blonde.. for the time being... dont remind me or i'll change it. 8. eye color: hazel 9. shoe size: 9 10. height: 5'9 11. favorite foods: um. i love to eat. everything is my favorite. 12. hometown: cbus. r e l a t i o n s h i p s 1. who are your best friends?: michelle bollyman and jaime halm 2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: boyfriend 3. did you send this to your crush?: lmao no but seeing as whenever i say something perverted he TUNES IN.. 4. did your crush send this to you?: nope 5. longest relationship?: lol. thats an interesting question.. 6. how many actual relationships have you been in?: one that actually means something to me right now. 7. how many people have you kissed?: i've never been kissed! 8. are you shy around your crush?: oh definately. thats why i have sex with his bellybutton... 9. do you indulge in random hook-ups?: not if i can help it 10. still have feelings for anyone you've been in a past relationship with?: are you TRYING to cause drama? i still care about eric stiller. 11. do you know what it feels like to be in love?: yes. 12. would you sacrifice your favorite possession for your best friends?: yup f a s h i o n | s t u f f 1. where is your favorite place to shop: FAMILY DOLLAR BABY. 2. have any tattoos or piercings?: i have a dragon tatto that covers my right ass cheek, a skeleton dog on the back of my shaved skull, a tatto of a growling bear on my left nostril and 14 industrials in my left ear. also, i have a very realistic looking picture of britney spears's elbow on my lower back that wiggles when i dance. i'm thinking about getting another tattoo of a rabid squirrel running down my shoulder blade.... but i'm not sure yet. 3. what is your favorite thing to wear?: nothing but the SKIN I WAS BORN IN. "hold on, wheres your panties?"~michelle bollyman 4. what is a must have accessory?: energizer batteries. KEEP GOING! KEEP GOING! EW GET OFF MY ASS. 5. how much is the most you've ever spent on a single item of clothing?: well i DID buy that skirt at family dollar for EIGHT DOLLARS. 7. who is the most fashionable person you know?: juanita! 8. who is the least fashionable person you know?: gabz ciofani 9. do you match your belt with your hair color?: what the FUCK are you talking about? my belt doesnt even fucking match my clothes half the time. DO THEY MAKE BLONDE BELTS? 10. what is the worst thing you've ever thought looked good? you. BITCH 11. what are you wearing right now?: nothing but a smile. lmao and my dollar store skirt. 13.what is the worst trend you see today?: breathing. i'm sick of all these bastards always BREATHING! NONSTOP! s p e c i f i c s 1. do you do drugs? the only drugs i do is CRACK! CRACK COCAINE! 2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: dude i use DAILY DEFENSE BUT I THINK THEY STOPPED MAKING IT... so im goin back to pantene and tresemme 3. what are you most scared of?: death 4. what are you listening to right now?: warped tour compilation 2004 stage 2. 5. who is the last person that called you?:michelle bollyman 6. where do you want to get married?: im not sure yet. 7. how many buddies are online right now?: 38 8. what would you change about yourself?: the sheer disgusting amount of BODY FAT i own. 9. what are essentials in your life?: music. 10. if you had the power to do any one thing, what would it be? become a famous music journalist/musician without becoming a complete DOUCHEBAG. 11. what nationality are you?: Italian 12. do you send out holiday cards each year?: nope. thats my moms job. h a v e | y o u | e v e r 1. given someone a bath? MAX! :) 3. bungee jumped?: hell no 4. made yourself throw up?: accidently with my toothbrush. 5. skinny dipped?: nope 6. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: hahaha yeah. 7. cried when someone died?: yes 8. fallen for your best friend?: :) i looove you j-me 9. been rejected?: hahah oh yes. *cough j-me* 10. rejected someone?: Yes *cough j-me* 11. used someone?: uh unfortunately yes. c u r r e n t 1. hair: how do you answer that questioN? 2. music: In Da Club by 50 Cent. lmao i'm just kidding thats what the last person who took this survey put 3. make-up: left over eyeliner that i didnt wash off in the shower 4. annoyance: that fan that was going on above me. 5. scent: secert deodorant and adidas moves 6. favorite artist: LFO! hell yeah! they're comin back baby! 7. favorite group: LFO! new EP! ahahahah 9. book you're reading: all these janet evanovich books. 10. cd in player: i already SAID THAT. 11. dvd in player: Uptown Girls. uhh once again, thats the answer the person before me put in. thats ridiculous. mine has pirates o the carribean. 12. color of toenails: Pink with sparkles. EW WTF THIS GIRL WAS A DOUCHE. my toenails are black. |
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| QUITE RIGHT. | |||
| 01:18am 12/08/2004 | |||
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alright, here i am.... i wanted to update you on a couple of things. number one- my aunt died this morning. in two days me and my mom are going to cleveland to see the funeral and my family. thats about it. i cant really think of anything else to write so i'll copy this lil whatchamacallit from michelle bollymans XANGa. i havent done one of these things in a long time- OH! my face is healing! woo who! lmao i didnt tell you about that... um... vigourous makeout session with someone who didnt shave. nono, i know you all were thinking it was someone besides j-me... but it wasnt. Firsts First best friend: Chinenye Nkemere (Chi-Chi) First real memory of something: dude i have no idea. let me think... ryan debar raising his eyebrows at me in kindergarten. he was the only duck in my pond, the only cloud in my sky. jesus i had a knack for writing at such a young age. First car: uhh that invisible one that i park in the gutter. First date: lmao blake in michigan. First break-up: mackenzie brookes First job: lmao First screen name: yerc00ln0w baby. thats right- made in 5th grade and STILL cool. First funeral: my moms friend Tim who hung himself when i was little. First pets: either heratio the ringneck snake or my hermit crabs. i really cant remember who came first. but i think big herp the turtle was one of my favorites- even though he ate glue and killed himself. First piercing/tattoo: my ears. yes, i tattooed my ears. First credit card: i should probably be filling this out when i've experienced life... First enemy: ASHLEY ... FUCK! OH YEAH! (no not ashley fuck i couldnt remember her last name.) ASHLEY RUDIK. First big trip: i dont know. i honestly have no idea. Lasts: Last cigarette: probably the one andi was having in the car on the ride home from tennessee. i'm sure the same amount of smoke when in my lungs as hers and it wasnt even fucking intentional. Last big car ride: that same. fateful. hellish. trip. Last kiss: at like 9:30 Last good cry: last night.. when i was writing in here. Last library book checked out: youre going to think i'm a real douche but earlier today i checked out like 5 janet evanovich books. Last movie seen: lmao i dont want to tell you. alright sweet home alabama. and i actually like that movie. so shut the hell up. Last beverage drank: watah Last food consumed: ramen! (chicken flavored) Last crush: my j-me :) Last phone call: my mother. Last time showered: like 3 in the morning Last shoes worn: my vans Last cd played: counting crows Last item bought: a movie ticket at the dollar theater! (thats all i can ever afford.) Last annoyance: MICHELLE BOLLMAN WHEN SHE TURNED OFF THE COMPUTER WHILE I WAS LOGGING ON. Last disappointment: when SOMEONE MENTIONED ABOVE DIDNT BRING ME MY EGGROLL. YES, THATS RIGHT. MY PROMISED EGGROLL THAT I COULDNT STOP TALKING ABOUT FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING DAY SHE LEFT AT HER GRANDMAS HOUSE. i still hold resentment. Last soda drank: some of j-mes cherry coke Last time wanting to die: its been a little while Last time scolded: i never stop getting scolded. Last shirt worn: michelles haltery cleavagey shirt with allisons skull and crossbones sweatshirt. Last website visited: this one. Random: I am: one crazy bitch. I think: i eat too much. I know: that no one will read this. I want: a fuckin eggroll. I have: no. money. I wish: i got more action. I miss: ... getting action. I fear: that i wont get action for a while. I hear: the sounds of nothing. because im not getting action. I search: for action. I wonder: why i'm still filling this out, and not getting action. I regret: what the fuck do you think i regret from PREVIOUS LINES? I love: getting action. I care: about getting action. I always: wonder why j-me went home so early and i didnt get any action. I am not: satisfied. I dance: terribly. I cry: when i'm really irritated and pmsing. I do not always: get action. I fight: about a lot of nothing. i just fight for the fight, and it sucks. I write: all the time. and when im not writing i'm wishing i was writing. I lose: all self confidence when people give me weird looks I confuse: myself when i smoke marijuana. I listen: to music. I can usually be found: under j-me. I need: to get action. I am angry that: MY MOTHER TOOK TOMORO OFF. SO BEFORE I LEAVE, IM STILLLLL NOT GETTING ANY ACTION! MOTHER FUCKER AND HES GOING AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND. this honestly blows. this honestly, one hundered percent blows. sorry to reveal this side of me to you people who thought i didnt have a sexual drive. |
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| and there it goes, my last chance for peace | |||
| 01:28am 11/08/2004 | |||
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well i figured since it all started here it should probably end here. "started here" meaning metaphorically, im not sure of one thing that actually DID start here... i'm just really upset right now. i have all these big words that i could use in place of "upset" but that pretty much sums it up. there have been so many things... its been a summer... i just dont feel like any of it hit home before this one. there was the thing with my friend shooting herself in the back of the throat with a 45, my friend/son dieing of alcohol poisoning, and now my aunt isn't going to make it through the weekend. notice all of these sentences start with "my" because i'm a selfish bastard who obviously doesnt see things through the eyes of other people. but right now i've been looking at things through the eyes of other people- starting with my aunt. a 2 year old son is going to be motherless by this weekend. he doesnt even know his mom, he doesnt even know this world, he doesnt know much of anything. but all he's going to know is she's going to be gone and hes not going to remember much about her. and he'll never be able to see how good she was to him or how much she cared about him. ofcourse he's spoiled because she doesnt know how LONG she'll have left and she doesnt want the last impression her child has of her to be a bad one. a husband, someone who couldnt possibly understand why this had to happen to HIS soulmate is going to be without the person he exchanged vows with. he's going to always question and worry and be upset and lose faith and have a long road of struggles before him. two parents are going to wonder why their child has to die before them. wonder why it wasnt them instead of her. although nurturing her is something they do without question or irritation, it's been wearing them down too... but at the age of 70+ there isnt much activity that wouldnt wear them down. they've lived good, honest lives and even my grandma and grandpa (who go to church every day of the week) are probably going to question why this has to happen. so many sculptures are going to be left unsculpted. so many homemade christmas gifts left undelivered. so many meaningful, imaginative ideas left unmentioned. such a brilliant mind left without an outlet to our world. i can't help but question every ounce of life inside of me. why would it be her instead of me? i feel so fucking scummy for every dirty little deed that i've ever done and done without thinking. acting as though i'm infallable, like the world will pass me by and i'll still be here holding on tight. like i'll have some other chance to redeem myself for all the shit i've talked, all the backstabbing i've done, all the people i've lost touch with. i cant think of one person that loves me that i deserve. i cant think of one thing i've done that hasn't had some selfish intent to it. i cant picture one granule of integrity that i have left in my body. the truth is- theres no such thing as infallable. everything, from that miniscule red ant to that enourmous redwood will come, serve its purpose, and then be gone. every being will wither away and leave tracks remembered by few, but eventually their spirit will be lost amongst those of so many others. even those that we learn about in history class- the heroes, the skeptics, the risktakers- no one teaches anything about their moral standing, their hearts, or what colors their souls were etched in. all talk that ever makes it anywhere isnt worth a fucking cent in the end. i feel like such a chump for just realizing this now. i mean many of these bits have been in the back of my head for quite some time, but i feel like all of you have already heard about it. i'd make such a shitty journalist because i always hear things decades after the rest of the world has already discovered them. like i cant make my opinions until the final decisions already been announced on a fucking loudspeaker in homes across the nation. i'm some faulty, unethical joke that shouldnt even bother typing this in the first place. and yet, i'm still typing. and i'm still revealing things to myself that i never even knew i had inside of my head. i'm still jabbering about misguidance and misunderstandings that i, myself, havent even been able to unfold for myself at the time being. and as my head reels my fingers type, but it only makes sense after i've gone over it years later. as if i'm being used as a median so that i'll know where i stood without knowing where i'm standing. its all not as complicated as i've been lead to believe. or maybe that just the crack that i wasnt aware i was on until now. i really dont want these things to happen. i dont want these things to happen, yet i cant get up enough... i dont know what it is. i just havent been praying. everyone says "pray" and i say i do... but i dont pray enough. i cant find the words, or the deliverance or the energy to pray. and all of that is just excuses because i'm just a lazy bastard who doesnt bother to take time out of my own pathetic world to look after someone elses. and now i feel like this is somewhat my fault for not praying, which it probably is, and i just... i dont know. i'm all talk and no results. thats why i'll never get anywhere in life. i really think i should stop writing now before i make myself sick. i had a dream that my dad died. it was the most disturbing dream i've ever had, and i just really wanted it to be a dream. i remember in the dream wishing, praying that it was all just a dream. i wish i didnt have dreams like that. i wish things didnt happen this way. i wish life could be different. i miss you. i want to go up there for the funeral. actually- strike that. i WANT there to be no funeral. i WANT her to be okay. i WANT people to care about people the same way they would if they were dieing when they werent. i WANT people to look out for one another without the threat of death breathing down their neck. i WISH people werent such self-absorbed heathens that are only concerned with what the latest gossip column directs them to. sometimes i really dont like the way we are. |
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| mm. | |||
| 05:36am 05/08/2004 | |||
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hey this is gabz. i cant log into my other account on this computer beccause of how cool this like "bess protected" shit is. okay so its not bess but its still lame as a motherfucker for not letting me get on my deadjournal. alright- so how is everyone? doing swell? i know im a backstabbing piece of crap for not writing in you anymore and then coming back and expecting you to still be here, welcoming me with open arms. i'm suprised this is even a valid journal anymore. well i dont know how much of this i can take, this keyboard is really loud, and its completely magnified by the room too. its a bitch and a half. alright so we're in memphis tennessee today, and i met this really cool guy named tater who owns this shop here. he's awesome. he's met all these famous people, he used to be on the air and he made his station soar to number one within a matter of 2 weeks... he's just a pimp. he's mt almost everyone and he was really nice. the only fucked up thing was he was hitting on my mother... but then again he was hitting on all of us so... alright lets see... one good thing about looking older than i am- no one questions what im doing. i'm sitting in this little tiny "concierge" room at this 4 star hotel, and people walk past knowing full well that im not looking up the weather in kansas or whatever people use concierge stations for and dont say a damn thing to me. thank you- i'll be absorbing as much of THAT as i possibly can. well memphis is pretty cool. i mean it took 5 hours to get here from buloxi and we're going home tomoro (thank god.) after we go see a bunch of elvis shit. i'll promise to try and write more often... after all, i have been kind of avoiding it and now i have no reason to. i dont even remember what my reason was in the first place. i really miss j-me. i really miss NOT being in a car. today the cooler tipped on me and spilled freezing cold water all down my crotch. then the valet parking guys were making fun of me and asking me what the hell happened. they're like "do you need a towel or something...?" all in all this has been a pretty fun vacation. except for today, it's been a while since i completely snapped at my mom. (a week to this day exactly). she's becoming a real bitch all over again though and it's making me remember why i dislike spending time with her at all. and then she throws back in my face "WHY DONT I JUST BUY YOU SOME MORE SOUVENIERS SO YOU CAN TREAT ME LIKE SHIT! its a huge joke. its a huge, fucking joke. i'm so sick of this shit. honestly, i block it out of my mind reeeeally well when nothing is going on but then when something starts me off i'm back in the old mode of wanting to fucking sever her head from her body. yesterday we spent the night at this comfort inn in downtown memphis. we went down beale street today and ate at one of bb kings restaurant. yesterday reese witherspoon was filming the life of johnny cash outside one of these restaurants and we got to walk past the set. my eyes are blurry. i'm sick of plastering on this smile and putting on this fake persona people do when they're from out of town and in hotel rooms. i miss j-me. i'm sick of being with my family for the majority of everyday, i'm sick of my sisters bitchy comments on everything she sees, i'm sick of andi's control freak syndrom that she pops into randomly, i'm sick of my moms COMPLAINING and RELENTLESSNESS. i am sick of being on vacation. i'm sick of not getting any action. when this one winds down it will be a well deserved vacation FROM vacation on my part... because this is just getting ridiculous. i cant wait till my mom goes back to work at nights. i cant wait to give j-me his voodoo doll ahahah. i cant wait to get the 9 hours out of the way that it will take to drive home. i hate even fucking thinking about it. i'm never going in a car again. since none of us really knew where to go this summer, we went to these random ass places my mom picked out. next year im fucking staying home. it was nice and all, but i'm done with this over-a-week long thing. i mean one week is nice- nice enough to not shoot eachother. but any time over that... seriously i just want to be back home. like... i want my own personal space back. i want to be able to listen to my music and write and read and stop the car rides. and i want to see people i know that i'm NOT related to. this is the most pointless entry i've ever written and i'm sorry that i've had to just THROW all of this on you. i'm sorry. i love you. i'm going back to the hotel room. |
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| my stomach is in knots upon hearing about what you've come to | |||
| 06:16pm 20/05/2004 | |||
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wow. well, if i wasnt feeling shitty before... i definately am now. i was just reminising with ali manion and she's filled me in on quite a few things going on in grosse pointe now... about how all these people who used to be so innocent and young and afraid are now pretty much raging alcoholics and stoners. i mean i dont expect people to stay the same, i definately know i havent stayed the same... but to even picture people like.. the ones who i'd never see doing anything like that and have this cute little image of them being perfectly safe and clean and protected... my stomach is just in knots. complete knots. i still to this day remember so much about so many things... i know i've also forgotten a lot... but i've written most of it down as to never let it go... i just cant think about it because it honestly makes me want to break down and cry... i dont even know what i want to do or what i want to be i just know that change and growing up is the most painful, difficult thing i'll ever endure. i mean you can throw any other chaos in my direction and i'll bat it off with a blink of an eye. but ever bring up change or how everyones different and i honestly will just sink into a sullen state of misery. it seems as though when thinking about there, it was always considered better there than here in my book. and the memories i have of the people there, the thoughts about this just being a little vacation i'm on... it sometimes hits me a lot harder than others... i can never go back. those memories will always be the PAST, those people wont become young again or innocent... and i'll never be able to fit back in with them perfectly. but worrying about it doesnt do anything either. i mean at this point in time, the same situation might come up with them. although it would probably be a lot less often, they might occasionally be reminded/remember me. and when they do, they'll wonder what im like now. and they'll wonder what im doing, if im dating someone, if my family's okay, if i have a whole new set of friends and have forgotten about them. take that one person, those hundreds of questions, and multiply them by about 300. thats what goes through my head, every single person i've ever encountered/interacted with in grosse pointe. everyone that ever meant even the slightest bit to me i worry about and wonder about whenever those two words are brought up. its the most agonizing pain i've ever been through- and people say youre supposed to get over it? people say youre supposed to move on? "time heals all wounds"... no it fucking doesnt when you think about how youre life could have been if you still lived there, and still wish that maybe you could have at least saw what it was like if you DID live there. dont get me wrong. i have a wonderful life here. i have someone who i care about and love beyond belief. but i cant help but wonder why i had to move here.... and now i sound as repetitive and terrible as i did when i first moved, besides the excessive sobbing all the time. i dont understand how it can be so easy for so many people to just move on, never look back and pretend as though it didnt mean anything to them. i wish my life could be different. lol. and i wish i had enough energy and strength to cry. and to change. and to talk to eric. and to let time heal wounds, and to let myself be able to hear these things without the knots forming. the only way they even "go away" is just by me pushing them back into my subconcious, and even then they will occasionally pop out with extreme force... causing my steady ground to shake and crumble. i wish i was more like you. and i wish now that its summer i wouldnt go outside on my backporch and have the smells and the scenery trick me into thinking im back in grosse pointe. and i wish i wouldnt pick up the phone and dial a number, only to realize i've forgotten to put the area code and that person probably doesnt want to be bothered with me anyway. and i wish i wouldnt sit there, on my backporch rocking myself back in forth while trying to calm my angry, misunderstanding tears. yes- i've moved. yes- theres nothing i can do about it. but i've found a loophole in the system- theres no fucking rule that says i cant wonder... i definately over-abuse that privledge.... i miss you. me |
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| viral bronchitus sucks my left ass cheek. | |||
| 07:42pm 18/02/2004 | |||
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wow. i'm about to die. i havent been at school at all this week, and im supposed to be going ot a concert with john harris and zach gibbs tonight :( but NO. i have to have this fucking VIRUL bronchitus where they put me on codene and all this fuckin motrin when i cant eat and cant breathe and cant stand up straight. my happy pills came today. thats about the only good thing that happened today, besides me getting diagnosed at the urgent care place and it not taking 3265353 hours. ummm i took a shower today and i feel a little bit better, but im sure i wont feel this good tomoro when i'm trying to get up for school. yes thats right ladies and gentlemen, i'm going to try and go to school tomoro! and souly for the purpose of watching mat grahms speech in speech class. :) that, and the fact that im going to shoot myself if i sit around any longer. |
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| 02:29pm 16/02/2004 | |||
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hello. i havent taken my happy pill in 4 days. my fucking subscription hasnt come in the mail yet. they said they mailed it on the 10th. you'd think with such fucking unorganization they'd be busted by the fucking better buisness berueau (however you fucking spell that word) for making so many people go fucking crazy without their medication. im not trying to complain. actually, i am complaining. and i dont care. because you have no idea how much pain i'm in right now.and its not like i'm making you read this, so i'm allowed to complain in this damn thing! every inch of my body is sore. my mom says its prolly from the dance, but it feels like it just got sore overnight. my brain is completely frazzled. my vision is blurry (maybe from crying or maybe from not taking my medication) my eyes are puffy and i can barely walk straight. i'm really like... unmotivated and lazy. i cant like feel anything and i dont even want to listen to music which is pretty fucked up for me. even typing hurts. i cant inhale very much because for some reason it hurts like a bitch and makes me cough up a lung. i feel like a fucking sloth that has arthritis. i dont even know whats wrong with me but i dont want to talk to anyone or do anything. im making these coconut squares (i was forced into it. they sound pretty nasty but they'll be good) and my sisters friend mike croche from AA is comin over today.. but he got in an accident over by CVS and he doesnt have his liscence right now so i hope everythings okay with that. this guy is really cool, he's like a 40 year old deigo. alright well my whatever the fuck i'm cooking is done, and i have to go melt some chocolate chips to "lightly drizzle on the top". kill me with an axe, por favor? love, me |
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| plush | |||
| 05:43pm 15/02/2004 | |||
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i'm not as oblivious as you think i am although tempted in this universe i stick around for quite some time and inhale the scents of all the situations that im forced into the wonders of this place that no one else bothers to consider the sanctitude of health.. and it all gets taken away from you i'm so sorry for all i've done. all i've put you through and i've got nothing to show for it no medal was awarded and im sinking in this quicksand but your hands are all too short to reach me. so i guess this is goodbye, the last time you'll hear my cries because ive given in to all thats bad and never again will i try to deal with this on my own terms, i'm leaving you with my unjustified demise. |
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mastascrappla |
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