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Right now I feel like singing, I don't know if my brain is trying to make me think about something not so weary or my soul is trying to drain itself from all the pain through music.
"Friends we've been for so long
Now true colors are showing
Makes me wanna cry oh yes it does
Cuz I had to say goodbye"
Well, a whole new storm crashed in town, but I'm still in the same limbo.
After the e-mail incident {see last entry!!} I felt like shit.
I saw him on Tuesday, the first moment sucked {he was chatting with Sarah. fuck.} he acted like if we hadn't seen each other in 2 hours. In the afternoon he told me every detail of his new experience in Canada with his darling and how the made love and shit... my hearth is broken, my soul is in pain.
"How can I adjust
To the way that things are going
It's killing me slowly
Oh I just want it to be how it used to be"
I felt happy cuz I was seeing my man again... but hell I have to remember, he's not my man anymore...
"By now I should know
That in time things would change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad"
So. Summary: He spent a very few time with her. Everything happened. They are in love. He did a lot of crazy-lovely stuff for her. they almost got caught by her husband. yadda yadda yadda.
But over all that, I saw deep in his eyes, and he was sad. truly deeply sad.
Then I realized, that his life had changed, as well as her's. Nothing will ever be the same. Not for him, not for her. Not for me.
"You cannot hide the way you feel inside I realize
Your actions speak much louder than words
So tell me why oh"
I bought a coffe for him. He loves that, it's his favorite drink. I know he will think of me every time he drinks it.
At 6 pm he had to left to give and induction, also to talk with Niko about his trip. He asked me to wait for him, but I left with Ian {revenge or finally a smart act? who knows.}
I talked with Ian about what has happened with my sweet torment. After all he just said that I deserved something better for me, that I had to realize that. Wise words, stupid brain of mine.
On Wednesday I worked with Josh all the afternoon. At 5 pm Danny asked me to help him with some pics of Sarah {who am I working for?????} so I did it.
I bought him a coffe, again. He felt pretty much happy cuz Dave had given him something I bought for him two weeks ago, a bitter nail polish so he could stop biting his nails. After that he asked me to help him with a game he bought for Guigo and he couldn't install... I said it was impossible, he said that Kyle could do it, we made a bet: "The looser goes down on the winner" and I fucking accepted.
That's when I ask myself; Where's my fucking will to do the things right????
Ten minutes later I realized that I could do it, so I lost the bet. Like always... will I ever win something in our game???
On Thursday I spent with Danny all the afternoon at his surgery. After I got there, Dave, Jose, Kyle and Charles arrived as well. Charles saw Sarah's pictures. The first thing he said was: "That was the woman you were with? How disgusting" and then when he watched a picture of Sarah and Danny together he said something like: "In this picture you can't tell who's the crossdressed". Everyone laughed... except Danny and I.
It hurted (why?? I should be laughing!!!). I guess I could felt Danny's rage after that comments. I know we all are friend and we play games and make fun of each other just for that, for fun. Nothing serious. But *that* was too much. So then I realized something {again}; I am definitely the only one who really knows how he feels inside about his girl.
After all the laughs, I just stood by his side, holding him, trying to show him how much I supported him, and that I couldn't laugh at his feelings like everyone does. I couldn't use words, I just stood there. I guess he understood, I noticed it after everything that happened that day.
When everyone finally realized that Danny was pretty much pissed off, they left, leaving us alone.
I pamper him all the time. I held him in my arms. I massaged his shoulders. I kissed his head. I played with his hair.
I forgot about everything and everyone, and I felt happy. I think he forgot too. We were just there, just us, just doing nothing more that caressing and holding hands. I was happy then. He was with me again. No one else in the room, nothing in our brains, just there. Gee, that was has heaven...
Then he started to look for me too. He held my hands. He hugged me. Then he put his hands under my blouse trying to touch my skin... and hell I started thinking and I hate that. I knew he wanted me to pay the bet... and I didn't want to cuz I knew I could get hurt. So I played the innocent girl and tried to avoid his touch.
But hell it's hard.
So like if touching wasn't enough he started talking... making indirect remarks of how hot he felt. I still played the innocent girl.
Finally he felt desperate and he just said "are you going to pay the bet or not??"... he laughed trying to make it softer than how it sounded once he said it out loud, and pretty much ashamed he left the room.
I felt used. Just a thing. "Are you going to work or should I throw you away". "Are you going to suck my dick like you amazingly do, or I should ask Susan for that"... I felt awful. And the funny part is that the pain didn't last. I found myself thinking on how could I do something different not to make it a boring routine.
Blowing Bitch, don't you love yourself a little just to be a person??? No, I guess after all, I'm just a thing.
When he came back he hugged me like apologizing, and I did a whole new sex prelude just to make him happy.
I paid my debt. I did a wonderful b-job.
After all it, I looked at his face and I found an all new shocking-surprising expression, and it wasn't of joy or pleasure. He was sad.
He just faked a "Oh, great" expression, but I could see that he was sad. I can be just a girl, but I'm not stupid. I didn't have to think much to know what was on his mind. He was thinking about her.
I felt like the piece of shit that I am. Doing all this shit of a man who's in love with another woman... I wanted to die.
I tried to look as the cool bitch I pretend to be and just said 'I missed you' and left to get clean.
When I came back he was staring at his computer, but I knew he wasn't looking at anything at all, his mind was in another place. {Canada maybe?... shut up stupid brain!}
That's the usual moment when I just say "Bye, see you later" and leave. But I just couldn't. For the first time ever, I had to talk.
So I put my face pretty close to his and just said "Talk to me"... He looked puzzled and he kissed me. I repeated "Not that, Talk to me". He played the innocent boy then. I said "You're strange". Then he looked serious "Strange, how?". I said "You know, strange... just... you were tired? you didn't like it?..." the next question was 'were you thinking about her? ' but it got stuck in the knot of my throat.
He looked incredibly serious, almost furious. He didn't answer. So, I thought I had screwed it all. {in our game, no one complains cuz we have nothing between us, no rights to do the common and pathetic 'couple shows'} When he didn't answer I knew it was time to run away, so I just tried to soften the situation saying "... Or maybe I'm just crazy and I'm just making stupid shows of nutty-girlfriend asking stupid stuff"... he kept in silence so I ran to take my stuff to go... but when I was about to kiss him goodbye he finally spoke and said "No, you're not crazy".
So then I sat down beside him... he admitted he was odd, cuz he felt melancholic about everything that happened last week. We talked.
I played the best-friend girl, but I felt like it somehow... I could feel his pain. I understood him. I tried to say the right words, like "It's gonna be all right, she's feeling the same, if you love each other then you'll be fine" and shit. He said he felt at times like if his trip never were the best idea, and I felt like crying.
Watching him regretting something that he has done makes me wanna cry, because it means that he's feeling pretty bad.
I told him that he should feel happy cuz he had the chance to live everything that happened between him and Sarah. He said that he knew it would pass... all the pain will go away, just like the love.
he turned his face away from me and kept quiet. I didn't know what to say... I felt about to cry when he turned to look at me and I found that he was silently crying... he stood up and hugged me and we both cried our pain with bittersweet tears.
I have never seen him crying. It's the most painful thing I've ever seen.
After we calmed down he said he knew I was the last person he should tell all this stuff cuz he knew how much it hurted me {like 'I know how much you love me...'} but that he trusted me so much, and I was the only one who really understood him, who really heard him. He said that he wondered why I was still standing by his side, he couldn't understand how could I bear with him so much. I told him that he could tell me always the truth, that I would be there for him always. That it was good for both of us to talk with the truth, no matter how much it could hurt. That I will be always by his side, because he was my friend, and because I loved him. But I didn't said the like the big word, just like the common word.
After a moment of silence he turned to look at me and said: "I'm going to tell you something I haven't told anyone. I didn't sleep with Sarah"..........................................................................................................................................
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cried my ass off then. I felt a mix of joy, fear, sadness and rage all at the same time. He was shocked after my reaction. He asked me why I reacted like that, why I looked more shocked than when he told me that he had fuck with her, if I didn't feel a little happiness... I couldn't talk... I felt weird.
I couldn't believe him, but he swear it to me, and hell, I knew in my heart that it was true.
When I calmed down, I said that I had prepared myself for that the whole past week, and that I had taken decisions based on that, but now I felt happy and relieved but confused and scared.
That was the end of our conversation. We waited in silence, thinking about everything that has happened that night.
When we felt better, we left. He said 'thank you very much, I love you too' but not like big word, you know already, like the common word.
It was a day full of revelations. I had a lot think.
On Friday I got half-drunk with Danny, Kyle and Christopher.
Today... nothing weird. Just that Ashley just called me. She's finally officially Will's girlfriend. I'm sooooooo happy for them both!!!!!!!! They deserve to be happy and together.... I'm glad Will finally decided to be happy with Ashley. They look cute together. *sigh* It's a difficult love story, I'm glad it ended well... I wish mine could end well too... but it's not possible.....
Ashley told me that Danny talked with Will yesterday, and told him that nothing happened between he and Sarah... he showed that he was sad... Ashley said that we should help him to be the old Danny we all love... I couldn't help but cry... who cares if I'm happy or sad? if my life is miserable or perfect?? nobody.... meanwhile I would give my life to see Danny happy again... Or happy for the first time...
I cried a lot. Then I laughed when Ashley told me a lot of cheap-cold-freaky gossips about some people of the university, you know odd couples, and I couldn't help but think that yet I'm part of that list of odd couples with Mr. D.
Now at night Danna called me... again we ended fighting... and hell she cried and I felt like shit... it's all so complicated and so hard... I feel like I would do anything to make her happy, even start a relationship with her again, I'm conscious that I have a lot of problems to solve first... maybe my only problem is Danny... I must get over this before I could be happy with anyone... I guess I'm going to try again.... I don't know if it's the right thing... but know I can't help it... I must have a double life while I get over Danny... and I know I won't get over it soon.... and whatever.... shit, I'm so sad for it... she's so sad... she doesn't deserve that... she doesn't deserve this... I guess I know how he must feel about me... but I'm taking different decisions than hers... I'm not saying mines are better, I just say that it's different...
I could promise her that she's going to be the only girl in my life... but hell, how can I promise her that I won't be with another men... it's all so hard... I don't know what to do...
I'm tired... whatever, for both, here it is... the words that describe how I feel right now... thanks Alicia Keys for that {btw, the song is called Why do I feel so sad? if you haven't noticed}
"By now I should know
That in time things must grow
And I had to leave you behind
So why do I feel so sad
If it couldn't be that bad
Tell me why"
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pissed off
excited
tired