| ::warning:: heat wave optional |
[12 Feb 2004|05:47pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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RHCP - aeroplane |
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why do we do things that we know will make us sad? like think about past things or people that you miss. like, in my case, today i was reading josh's journal which i dont know why i do anymore. habit, i guess. anyway, he sounded so happy to be with sarah and that just made me want to slit my wrists. not because i dont like sarah, or that i dont like him being happy, its just the fact that i wasnt enough for him and all the lies and shit that happened afterward. you know i am happy that he is happy but depressed because i am not. depression sets in like a heat wave. anyway.
my birthdays next month. oh, wait, still wont be 18. fuckin bullshit i shoulda been born earlier. oh yeah i finally got a job. *sigh* anyways. i cant get my mind off of anything. and oh yeah, another thing i miss. coricidin and dxm. jesus christ i miss it. i miss the way it makes me feel i miss the way it disorientates me and i miss the way i felt when i was on it during that period in my life and i miss the way it makes the mars volta and radiohead sound. damn. so many things. i'm really not that depressed right now just bored and "contemplative". anyway gotta go to work so i'll update whenever the need arises...
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| bored |
[02 Feb 2004|06:34pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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311 - flowing |
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so bored...at dad's office...had to wipe 6 inches of snow off my car which took for eva...kasper has a girlfriend but is dating me which is interesting...got a clean drug test *yay*...whats his face is moving to georgia and getting married...*whoop whoop* what a losa...311 is coming to town...so excited...end of journal entry.
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| *content sigh* |
[27 Jan 2004|01:02pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
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music |
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hail to the thief - radiohead |
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ladies and gents i had a wonderful weekend full of drinking and fun and the best part of it was that i met a fantastic guy named kasper and i think we are going to date...here's my story, starting on saturday.
tara and carla and i hung out and went to the mall with a little parrot bay in us which of course made the trip that much more fun. then we went back to ricky's house and just hung out till he got off then i went to pick him up from work and then i went home. (had to be home at 11, something of course caused by all the trouble i got into a long time ago). anyway, so obviously the fun didnt start until afterwards. i left my house at like oh 12:15 or so to go back over to ricky's and when i got there carla, eric, jason, ricky, daniel, and tara were there so it was fun. and oh yeah the fantastic boy was there. so i started drinking with a few of my stolen beers and also had a couple buds and some parrot bay. mmm. anyway i started talking to this kasper kid and we really hit it off. there was lots of flirting going on all night. by the way he's really attractive (he's a volunteer fireman mmmm). i also have pics i wish i could post then you could see him. oh well, too bad i guess. okay then i will spare you the little (but hilarious) details of the rest of the night. kasper and daniel and ricky and i were the only ones left past like 2:30 or 3 even tara had passed out and everyone else had left. so we were all hangin out just bullshittin and drinkin and kasper says something about leaving and since he's daniel's ride, daniel's like "nooo lets not leave yet..."and i said "yeah, stay and sober up with with me. it'll be fun." so he did (yay) and they all sat on the other side of the coffee table (all the 3 guys) and i was by myself on the other side so i go "what is this, a male-female thing?" kasper said "no hell no i'll come sit with you" then he sat down and goes "i'll even put my arm around you" so that happened (yay again). anyway nothing more then that happened along that line but he did say he wanted doubles of the pics i took at the party so i said okay. and he gave me a dollar and i told him not to worry about it and he said "okay dont forget though i'll have to track you down." he had told me he works at the wal mart deli (like a half mile from my house) so i went to develop my pics at wal mart and then took him his doubles when he was at work. he had customers so i had to wait but he gave me that little head nod (which made my heart flutter :)) and i waited then i gave him the pictures and he smiled and said "oh you got them" i said yeah...and smiled. then he got some more customers so i said "well i'm gonna head home" not knowin what else to say. he goes "no, wait a minute." so i did, and waited for the customers to leave. he said, "so, i guess i'll give you a holler later" and i said, "do you even have my number?" he's like "no, but i'd like to." so i gave it to him (double yay) and thats when he got ambushed with customers so i told him i was going to leave and he waved and smiled ( i keep mentioning when he smiled but he has a really charming smile) and said he'd talk to me later. oh yeah small tidbit he is 21 (yay for that). that wal mart thing happened monday and the party was saturday. so i'm hoping he'll be calling me soon :))) he makes me happy and everyone i have shown his picture to thinks he's cute. so i'm excited. i just got tired of waiting on travis. we'll see how everything goes. anyway, thats my exciting life...i'm happy now.
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| finally |
[14 Jan 2004|01:26pm] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
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music |
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Cosmonaut - At the Drive-In |
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sorry it has taken me so long to post i doubt anyone reads this anyway BUT i feel sad and alone travis wasnt here today so that made my day soooo much longer i didnt get to leave with him at lunch plus he left his psychology book in my car which i need to get back to him. my parents told me my eyes were dilated last night which i dont have a clue why they were i think my contacts make them that way sometimes but if i told my stepdad that he would yell BULLSHIT! to my face and start slamming shit around so i was just like whatever and so he searched through all my stuff cuz i said i had nothing to hide (which i dont) and he found that stupid pop can pipe that i hid in my trunk after i got home from emporia. will that ordeal EVER GO AWAY????????? i want to forget about those 3 months of my life and it just keeps coming up one way or another. i want to forget times and people and places and feelings but i just cant. i miss this person but i dont want to have anything to do with him because he hurt me so bad and it is taking all of my willpower not to call i almost broke down the other day but i know that it is in my own best interest to just leave it all alone...i wish i could stop thinking. i'm getting better about it. it's been a month or two so it should be completely erased from memory soon. i hate not being able to forget things when i want to so bad. i wish that three months of my life never happened. maybe it taught me something, maybe not. but i can't change the past.
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| sorry guys |
[18 Dec 2003|01:59pm] |
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mood |
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done with this shit |
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music |
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radiohead - myxomatosis |
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maybe i should delete my journal. well, anyway. sorry i havent written in awhile but well i've been trying to keep my emotions and such to myself because i have been really really upset...the only reason i can provide is that my (ex) boyfriend really, REALLY betrayed me. he hurt me more than anyone could have and did the worst possible thing he could have done. i said some really nasty things to him that i do in fact regret but will not take back because of the things he did that hurt me. i love him but i hate him. i cant explain it. i dont ever want to see him again but i want to be with him. i dont know what to do. i dont care anymore. you know what? fuck the internet, fuck the fake internet friends i thought i had, fuck dxm, fuck everything that was associated with him. he fucking fucked up my life in so many ways and i'm never falling in love again. fuck this world. i fucking miss josh.
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| i have a death cough |
[12 Dec 2003|01:33pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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music |
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good charlotte (i'm asharmed) |
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i dont know what to do about my boy...i'm going out with xuan tonight to do something, not sure what...and i have a nasty cough right now real gross...and ummm i dont know i dont have anything else to say
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[10 Dec 2003|01:13pm] |
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mood |
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 relieved |
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music |
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Company Calls - Death Cab for Cutie |
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I'll take the best of your bad moods
and dress them up to make a better you,
'cause all the company calls amount to one paycheck.
I'd squeeze a heart through my fingertip,
but I type too slow to make expressions stick.
And it's like TV with a microchip.
Set your sights destroy this partyline,
'cause it's so tired.
Set your sights! Destroy this mock-shrine,
'cause it's so tired.
Let's cut our losses at both ends
and aim your car away from all our friends,
leaving the dishes stacked in the sink.
Set your sights destroy this partyline,
'cause it's so tired.
Set your sights! Destroy this mock-shrine,
'cause it's so tired.
I'd keep my distance 'cause the complications cloud it all,
and mail a postcard sending greetings from the Eastern Bloc.
Synapse to synapse: possibilities will thin or fade.
Your wedding figurines: I'd melt so I could drink them in.
and drink them in, and drink them in...
I'll take the best of your bad moods
and dress them up to make a better you,
'cause all the company calls amount to one paycheck.
Set your sights destroy this partyline,
'cause it's so tired.
Set your sights! Destroy this mock-shrine,
'cause it's so tired.
hey everyone guess what i passed my drug test YAYYYY only by means of niacin :))))
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| this is the song i've had stuck in my head |
[10 Dec 2003|01:11pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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music |
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Company Calls - Death Cab for Cutie |
] |
I'll take the best of your bad moods
and dress them up to make a better you,
'cause all the company calls amount to one paycheck.
I'd squeeze a heart through my fingertip,
but I type too slow to make expressions stick.
And it's like TV with a microchip.
Set your sights destroy this partyline,
'cause it's so tired.
Set your sights! Destroy this mock-shrine,
'cause it's so tired.
Let's cut our losses at both ends
and aim your car away from all our friends,
leaving the dishes stacked in the sink.
Set your sights destroy this partyline,
'cause it's so tired.
Set your sights! Destroy this mock-shrine,
'cause it's so tired.
I'd keep my distance 'cause the complications cloud it all,
and mail a postcard sending greetings from the Eastern Bloc.
Synapse to synapse: possibilities will thin or fade.
Your wedding figurines: I'd melt so I could drink them in.
and drink them in, and drink them in...
I'll take the best of your bad moods
and dress them up to make a better you,
'cause all the company calls amount to one paycheck.
Set your sights destroy this partyline,
'cause it's so tired.
Set your sights! Destroy this mock-shrine,
'cause it's so tired.
funny...i was listening to this c.d. when i drove to emporia. i really really want to be with josh because i love him but i dont know if i can...*SIGH*
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| synapse to synapse possibilites |
[10 Dec 2003|01:03pm] |
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mood |
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relieved |
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music |
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Murder by Death |
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GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! i passed my fucking drug test even tho i smoked last tuesday hardcore!!!!!!!!!! i love niacin! that stuff is a gift from god, right. so i get my car back next week. yay, yay, yay. and my dad is leaving town next week, even better. finally some alone time.
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| music! |
[08 Dec 2003|01:27pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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music |
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story of the year - until the day i die |
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umm amy and i left during lunch and did whippets it was fun uh huh uh huh and i'm really tired now and my mom got a new puppy this weekend a miniature american eskimo it is SOOOO cute i love it it's name is pearl it's all white AWWW and um i've been taking a lot of niacin so i can get a clean drug test and get my car back so i hope my dad takes me to get one today because i am sick of having a flushed face and my mom feeling my face and asking if i'm warm (lol) i was like "umm my face is" it was funny and this weekend i applied at pizza hut and xtreme tanning hopefully i'll get a job SOON anyway these are awesome awesome lyrics annnnd i love this song
As years go by I race the clock with you
But if you died right now, you know that I'd die too
I'd die too.
You remind me of the times when I knew who I was
still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does..
We make the same mistakes
I take the fall for you
I hope you need this now
Cause I know I still do...
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you
(For you)
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you...
Should I bite my tounge 'till blood soaks my shirt?
We never fall apart. Tell me why these words so much?
My hands around your throat and I think I hate you
Still they say we never win
Just like we always do.
Just like we always do...
I'd spill my heart.
I'd spill my heart for you...
My hands around your throat and I think I hate you.
We made the same mistakes just like friends do...
My hands around your throat and I think I hate you.
We made the same mistakes.
We made the same mistakes...
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[05 Dec 2003|01:19pm] |
"will i break up with josh? i dont know."
this is what i was afraid of
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| drug tests and cars |
[05 Dec 2003|01:13pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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music |
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billy talent - try honesty |
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i got in a big yelling thing with my stepdad last night (so unusual, right? e.e) anyway about my car because i have to go to a debate tourney this weekend (wish me luck) and it sucked. i hate fighting with people. i should become a hermit. so anyway i told my dad about it and he said he was going to email all of my teachers and see how i was doing in their classes and if thats okay and i can pass a drug test i'll get my car back FINALLY so i'll have to take a bunch of niacin and some shit called AZO to assure that my drug test will come out clean. oh shit instead of typing "test" i typed twat without trying to. how weird. hmmm.
anyway, i really love these lyrics so i'm forcing them upon you. see what they mean to you.
Try Honesty
well i tripped, i fell down
naked
well i scratched my knees
they bled
sew up my eyes
need no more
in our game
there is no score
forgive me father
Why should you bother
try honesty
try honesty
hop in your dump truck
Reverse for good luck
ride over me
ride over me
take on the whole world
fight with the young girls
die tragedy
die tragedy
call me a cheepskate
come on for pete's sake
cry agony
cry agony
i'm insane, its your fault
so sly
your well of lies
ran dry
and i cut to the core
free fall
from so high we seem so small
forgive me father
Why Should you bother
try honesty
try honesty
hop in your dump truck
Reverse for good luck
ride over me
ride over me
take on the whole world
fight with the young girls
die tragedy
die tragedy
call me a cheap skate
come on for pete's sake
cry agony
cry agony
(screams, irrecognizable)
i'm insane, its your fault
crryyyy...
i'm insane, its your fault
crryyyy...
i'm insane, its your fault
crryyyy...
forgive me father
why should you bother
now
Why Should you bother
try honesty
try honesty
hop in your dump truck
Reverse for good luck ride over me
take on the whole world
fight with the young girls
die tragedy
die tragedy
call me a cheap skate
come on for pete's sake
cry agony
cry agony
cry agony
cry agony
cry agony
cry agony
cry agony
cry agony
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[03 Dec 2003|01:15pm] |
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mood |
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 numb |
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music |
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Vendetta Red - Shatterday |
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i feel the need to write again because things are so different now i realize that it is stupid that i got pissed off about this certain comment it was nothing it was harmless but i still get upset because i cant be doing that i cant be doing dxm right now and i fell apart yesterday and smoked pot i had been clean for two weeks i have no will power at all :((( i miss my boyfriend and i know its not going to work out and that is really depressing *sigh* i dont know what to do at all someone should tell me so i can stop being so fucking whiny
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| wtf |
[03 Dec 2003|12:48pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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music |
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Dr. Dre - forgot about dre |
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decide whether me or dxm is more important dont replace me with it
this is what i wish i could write in response to a certain someone but i think it is illegitimate plus i am just jumping to conclusions
maybe its for the best
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| the thinking man |
[02 Dec 2003|01:07pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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music |
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soul coughing - back to bealzibub (sp?) |
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there was a time in my life where writing in this journal and my discontinued paper journal was something i had no choice but to do and i feel like that time may be slowly dwindling which is kind of sad mostly because i know that another certain aspect and relationship in my life is dwindling down to nada which is very very sad so i dont know i will probably randomly write in here when i feel like it but not every day but i got a new coat for $35 and i'm going to look for a job today and travis complemented me on my new hair color and earring and he's pretty cool i think its funny when guys compliment you on your jewelry oh wait i think i'm having a seizure
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| if you only knew/the plans they had for us |
[21 Nov 2003|01:13pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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music |
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marilyn manson - dont like the drugs but the drugs like me |
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yayyy no more school for a whole week after this. its like christmas break, but shorter. uhhh lets say its like spring break. anyways...my car wasnt in the driveway last night i dont know what my dad did with it it kind of freaks me out :O oh well. my dad told me last night that my behavior was like a "drug addicts" wtf??? it made me so mad. had he not found out that i smoked pot he would have blamed my behavior on something else. why cant he just realize that i'm NOT PERFECT??? ugh. anyway i think i am coming to conclusions about my relationship and i really dont want to :(((( tell me what to do someone!!! i havent been able to talk to josh because my parents keep taking the phone in with them and of course my phone is somewhere that i dont know about. oh yeah i called it the other day and it said "due to the subscribers requests, this phone does not accept incoming calls." did i already post about that? yeah musta been something my dad did. oi. amy and i were looking at tattoos online yesterday because she was trying to like see the one she wanted or something of a fairy so she can go get it the day she turns 18 (march 1) but she decided on a celtic butterfly its really cool not dumb. anyways i saw some star ones that i would like to get probably illegally and oh yeah i told my mom that i wanted one and she asked what of and i told her and that was the end of the discussion it was funny
here's some ones that i like http://www.bmezine.com/tattoo/A31112/high/274.jpg
http://www.bmezine.com/tattoo/A31005/high/stars01.jpg
and i like these but would never get them http://www.bmezine.com/tattoo/A30910/high/vnc9xkj2.jpg
(radiohead hell yeah) http://www.bmezine.com/tattoo/A30813/high/bear.jpg
(talk about complicated but badass) http://www.bmezine.com/tattoo/A31112/high/tattoo213.jpg
(wtf?) http://www.bmezine.com/tattoo/A31112/high/mytattooarm.jpg
i think a chinese symbol for destiny would be cool too. hmm. i dont know how to turn those stupid things into links. oh well. anyways...i think hardcore guys are hella hott. i'd do em. hahaha. umm anyways...i'm gonna go look at more tattoos or something. i cant wait till i move out. lata
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| good or bad news? |
[20 Nov 2003|10:36am] |
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mood |
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 irritated |
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music |
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green day - when i come around |
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so i didnt get in trouble last night, my dad did ask me about like what i did the night before and i said that amy and me went to the music store and the pet store with travis and then went to his jazz band concert, which we actually did do. he didnt say anything about it, that was about it, weird. and then this morning i missed the bus (retarded i know) and so i called my dad's cell phone cuz he went to a rotary meeting at 7 and it was like i dont know 6:50 and told him i was going to call some of my friends to see if they could take me to school and i had to leave it on his voice mail. and then some shit happened that i dont feel like talking about and dena, my stepmom, flipped out. she's such a bitch!!!! i fucking hate her. i told my mom i was thinking about moving in with her. we'll see. it would be quite a lifestyle change for all involved. anyway. i went to bed last night at 7:45!!!! i have been SOOO exhausted lately for NO REASON. i think maybe its because of the stalker. we'll see i guess. i had a dream last night that i was in a tornado and it lifted up my house and when my house fell back down i like hit my teeth or something and it knocked them all loose and they were all like hanging out of my mouth shrapnel style and like we went to the airport for some reason and i started pulling the hanging teeth from my mouth and putting them in the trash and people were staring at me because they thought i was homeless and i was like fuck you guys im not homeless i was just in a tornado!! and then yeah. it was wei fucked up. anyway i didnt call josh again last night because for some reason my parents keep taking the phone in with them. i should call him at lunch or something. sigh. anyways i gotta go to lunch...or something...
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| hmmm |
[19 Nov 2003|01:33pm] |
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mood |
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ominous |
] |
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music |
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the mars volta - the drunkship of the lantern |
] |
i have a feeling something bad is going to happen :-! i hope not so if i dont post in here for awhile you guys will know what is wrong! i was lynched! ummm that was wei inappropriate and i dont care either. i have the mars volta stuck in my head "was your temple left in ruins..." they rock so much :)))) i miss my boyfriend...sigh...
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| bad news |
[19 Nov 2003|10:15am] |
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mood |
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 worried |
] |
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music |
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let the man go through - soul coughing |
] |
amy got caught for last night and got grounded and i think her mom probably hates me now which probably means that we wont be able to go to the soul machete show friday :( no good. i guess abel called her house when he noticed we werent there even though we told that chick that we were leaving. ms rogers stopped me in the hall and like harped my ass and told me to get ready to feel the wrath of abel :((( greeeaaat. and i didnt call josh last night because i was sooooo exhausted. ugh. still feel like i didnt get enough sleep. and oh yeah amy was going to stay home today because she didnt get any of her homework done and also she wasnt feeling good and she doesnt like to wake up after doing dxm but i guess that didnt happen since her mom knew she wasnt at the tourney. and rogers said that abel possibly called my house but i dont think he did because my dad didnt say anything about it last night or this morning. hmmm. i also have to get some niacin from kisty. ummm thats all i have for now possibly more later...comment if you please
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