Blurty for MarmiteMonster.

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Monday, August 4th, 2003

Subject:one of those days
Time:3:00 pm.
Mood: crappy.
Music:Various Punk Covers.
I'm in one of those moods today where everything gets me down. Music isn't lifting me which is pissing me off. It's a lovely hot sunny day outside, but I only got up at 1pm, so wasted most of the day in bed which I'm pissed off about because I know if I had gotten up at say, 10am, then I could have sat outside in the sun and my mood would be way better than this.
Scholarship people sent me a letter today wanting me fill those sodding forms in and 'send them off as soon as possible'. It's the 4th of friggin August!!! What the hell are they doing sending me those forms now and saying 'by now you will be getting ready for the next year of uni'. No I'm fucking not!!! It's half way through the summer! Why the hell do I need to be reminded by them that I'm gonna be in uni in a month or so. All they'll do is keep sending me those bastard letters anyway. I should write back and tell em to sod off with their 'send this back to us as soon as possible' shit, and that they should send the forms when uni actually starts when it is possible to get the forms filled in, and not halfway thru summer when no one in their right mind is at uni. God that really grated on me.
*Sigh* I feel better for that.
And then, there was this guy on faceparty who sent me a message the other day wanting me to add him to msn messenger, so I tried explaining to him that I didn't wanna add him cos I'm fed up of adding people to msn for them only to last one conversation, and then my list gets full up of people who I don't even know who they are. I also said I wasn't in the mood for chatting that night anyways. So he gets arse on and says there's no point messaging on faceparty seein as I don't want to chat to him on messenger. So I sent him a message back, saying I didn't particularly wanna waste my time with him if he was gonna be like that. So he sent one back saying 'The only reason I messaged you anyway is because I felt sorry for you because I didn't think someone like you would get many people messaging you to chat!!!' Ohmygod I was SOOO shocked. I was SOOO amused. He couldn't have made it any more obvious that it was such a hard thought out, planned, word for word 'insult'. I bet it took him a couple of hours to word it all. So I sent him a message back telling him that I just had the irresistable urge to say 'LOL' whilst trying not to piss myself laughing at the same time. I mean, c'mon..did he even see my number of visits at the bottom of my profile. I have like, over 6000 visitors in 3 months. I get at least 5 messages a day from new people, and countless others from people I already talk to on there, and my profile is one of the few that actually has some original stuff on it and not just one word answers. If his comment had at least even a ring of truth to it, then fair enough But it was soooo obviously a blatant lie. I really wish people would learn how to insult properly. Otherwise it's just not worth the effort.
He was an ugly fuck anyway. Boring profile too. Nothing original. Oh well. I wonder if he'll reply to my message. If he does I bet it'll just be as weak as his last message.

My belly is getting bigger :( I'm really gonna have to do summat about it now. It's getting impossible to make look vaguely normal. Sit ups...and lots of them should cure it. I could go to the gym...but I just can't be bothered. I will when I have a car. Bleh.
Driving lesson in an hour. And it's sunny so no doubt I'll get blinded. I wish I could wear my contacts for driving, I could if I wanted...just don't wanna risk it.
Hmmmm
I hope I'm in a better mood this evening
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Sunday, August 3rd, 2003

Subject:Fruityness
Time:11:01 pm.
Mood: listless.
Music:Sheryl Crow - The Globe Sessions.
I just ate the biggest plate of fruit ever. And now my lip has this horrid lil lump on it. Hope it's not gonna be a coldsore. Dunno where I could have gotten one of those from *innocent look*
Why are Sundays so boring? I mean...Sunday....the day of rest. Altho of course it's a day of rest for me, every day is...I'm a student for godsake!!! Anyway, yeah, so, Sundays, the evening when most people are sat in their house watching tv. They have work on Monday morning so they don't wanna go out and get ratted...and besides...they probably did that on both Friday and Saturday night. And all people wanna do is have a quiet night in. So WHY oh WHY oh WHY do they put such utter SHIT on the TV!?
You would think they would at least have a good film on, but they don't even put that on.
Damn I have a lil fly thing buzzing round me.
Yeah so I'm bored. There's fuck all on tv. Bleh.
I have a driving lesson tomorrow. It's my....hmmm...6th lesson...but my 7th hour. Cos the first one was a double lesson. Every time before I have a lesson I worry about doing it right, but I do it right in the end. So who cares. Bleh. Enough on driving. I've been obsessed with it today.
This thing on my lip looks more like a little blister :( Argh! No one's texted me, no one loves me. Even he hasn't texted me in over 2 days now. I know we're not serious but...c'mon!!! No text in 2 days!
Oh the boredom!!! Shoot me pleeeaaassseee!!! Bleh.
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Subject:Me for today
Time:8:52 pm.
*Sigh*

I feel stuck. And I think about writing this entry, and I think of all the funny stuff I could dream up to put in it, as though I'm writing it for an audience. Like a book, or a play. But I'm not. I'm writing it for me. No one is out there reading this. So why do I feel I have to lie to myself. I like to sound clever. But at the end of the day, I'm no more clever than the next person. I'm the same as anyone else. No more special. It's nice to think it though.


I did nothing today. Rolled out of bed at about 1ish I think it was. Laid in bed for a bit and dozed, got horny, got myself off. Went and made 4 slices of toast and some coffee despite promising myself yesterday that I would have a nice healthy fruity breakfast with all the fruit and stuff I bought yesterday. Ate my brekkie in bed, watched Cocoon, and cried at it!!! Got a shower and washed my hair. Couldn't be bothered putting my lenses in and doing my makeup cos I knew I wasn't going out of the house today. (Ha! Like I ever do!!!) And I've just sat on the net all day downloading stuff and wondering why no one was messaging me on msn messenger and icq. Totally missing the point of course, that I could message them if I wanted to. I'm spoilt tho. Too used to haveing other people make the first move, because, afterall, I don't look half bad at all on my pics. In truth, I don't think I look half bad at all in real life. Sometimes I'll look in the mirror, and catch myself at a certain angle, and think, FUCK! you're sooo ugly. I know my body isn't good, but other people don't seem to mind, so why should I. But I do. I sometimes go off into a kind of weird trance and just sit in front of the mirror, staring, until I look at myself so much that my own face becomes unknown to me, and I may as well just be staring at another person on tv. It's like when you say a word over and over again like, 'toilet', it eventually loses it's meaning, and you think 'wha the feck!' It's the same thing when you sit and stare at your face. It becomes unrecogniseable. Just another thing that your eyes happen to see and register and convert into something your brain can visualise is all. Do we even know if we're really there. It is, afterall, our brain that does all the hard work. What if it tricks us? Oh god...that's a convo reserved for a whole different day. I just can't be bothered today. It's stickily hot.


So, I haven't verbally spoken to anyone all day. Haven't seen anyone all day. I don't think anyone else was in the house last night. My brother came back this morning...well...early afternoon, my morning. I heard his car, and he sounded pretty happy, and then he went back out and zoomed off again. My heart doesn't hurt as much anymore when I hear his car engine. Because I know, that someday soon...I'll be doing that. Driving to wherever I want. Maybe not as noisly lol! But I'll be going places. It may take me a few goes, and a few good months, and I may still be screwed for getting to uni when it starts in Sep. I may not be driving then. But he point is...I WILL be driving sometime soon. At some point I will be driving back and forth to uni, and I would like it to be quicker and sooner rather than later, but there's no point pushing it...it may not be. It may not happen. It depends on lots of things...not just me. But I will do it. I'll do anything for it. I want it bad. And I'm getting it. And that thought is almost as comforting as actually having it I think. It still hurts. But I'm getting it. I'm going there.


I ran out of steam. I have goosebumps. It surprises me how honest I can be at times. And then I wonder....'but am I being honest, or is this just written for the pure entertainment factor'? Truthfully...I think I'm being honest. This is me. Don't hurt me. Be gentle. I am but a child. And I'm vulnerable and frail. I just want to get there...wherever there is. I think I'm starting to know...I know I'm going there...so does it really matter if I know what there is? I'm confusing me now. Gah!


TV is crap tonight. I might just sit on this all night. Or I may go read my new book, or the 2 magazines I have. They're boring tho. I might do the book instead. Someone's back home. My dad I think. Yeah. Hmmmm.

I'm not gonna edit this.

Over n out :P

(Poo, I edited it. Only the typos tho!!!)
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Subject:First Entry (Yay me)
Time:8:40 pm.
So, I've been doing this diary thing for 2 days exactly. And I decided I didn't like the place where I was already keeping my diary, (mainly because to make it look anything like you want it to, you have to know stuff about html, and I don't have the vaguest idea!) So I opted for here, because...you can do stuff...and it's erm, well, easy. *Sheepish look*

So. Here's my entry for yesterday. Saturday 2nd August 2003

'I'm talking to a guy on the net who keeps talking like 'dis', and 'dat'. It really pisses me off. I'm winding him up on purpose about it cos...I'm bored. Simple as.


I just tried on MILLIONS of clothes I had packed away at the back of my wardrobe. None of them fit me. They made me remember better times when I was slimmer and seemed to do more stuff and love myself more. But I don't really think those times were that good. I'm just kidding myself they were. But at those times, I was just as low as I feel now. Just that it doesn't seem it looking back in hindsight. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.


So, hey hey, it's Saturday. And I'm in on my own. Again. As I will be every night this week and for the next few weeks til he comes.

I centre my life around the 2 weekends a month he comes here, and I really shouldn't. It's not healthy. I hardly leave the house in the weeks between his visits. And this time it's gonna be a week longer. I really should start doing things for myself.

I am doing. I'm learning to drive. That's doing something for me. But it's not coming fast enough. I want it now. Now. When I need it and have the motivation to do something with it.


Argh.


Too jumbled.'
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Blurty for MarmiteMonster.

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