Kays2012's Journal

Sunday, November 18, 2012

10:25PM

I don't know where this came from... I think I may have written it, but it is quite good, so maybe I didn't. It is very much the truth though.

I see you, Married Men
Driving your family cars
Going to work
To flirt and tease and get your
Cocks sucked and played with
I see you dirty men, every day.
And every day you disgust me.
You see me, and you make me feel
Wonderful.
You let me think of the future
And then you go home? and I am alone.

10:25PM

Ah I actually remember writing this one though:

Without the emotions
Of love or lust or heartbreak
Clouding my mind
I can listen to my music
And appreciate more it's beauty
I see now how
Love and lust and heartbreak
However wondrous
Can consume you
And blind you to
Beauties in life

Sunday, August 29, 2010

10:37AM

Inetersting dream last night.

In the car on the way to some place. Had the feeling we had gone too far (even though I was not sure exactly where I was supposed to get to), and the journey was becoming more and more treacherous - literally driving up this hill... no, catheral-like mountain! in a huge traffice jam: it seemed that everyone else was trying to get to the same highest point of that same mountain (the road seemed to spiral around where it got closer to the highest point. The traffic was at a standstill, so I got out of the car, knowing that I had gone past where I wanted to be anyway and was going to have to drive back down again. I looked to the right, and saw about 5 metres below was a spring, which was flowing off the side of the mountain to create a beautiful waterfall of the clearest imagineable waters. The waterfall was only about 5 metres long, and the water fell into a beautiful golden pool. The water itself was not gold, but the sand/ stones at the bottom of the pool were which made the clear water appear golden. I went down and waded into the pool. It was lovely, and refreshing and almost like this was the place I was meant to be.

Friday, March 19, 2010

11:26PM

Ad Finem
By Ella Wheeler Wilcox



On the white throat of the useless passion
That scorched my soul with its burning breath,
I clutched my fingers in murderous fashion,
And gathered them close in a grip of death;
For why should I fan, or feed with fuel,
A love that showed me but blank despair?
So my hold was firm, and my grasp was cruel --
I meant to strangle it then and there!

I thought it was dead. But with no warning,
It rose from its grave last night, and came
And stood by my bed till the early morning,
And over and over it spoke your name.
Its throat was red where my hands had held it,
It burned my brow with its scorching breath;
And I said, the moment my eyes beheld it,
“A love like this can know no death.”

For just one kiss that your lips have given
In the lost and beautiful past to me
I would gladly barter my hopes of Heaven
And all the bliss of Eternity.
For never a joy are the angels keeping
To lay at my feet in Paradise,
Like that of into your strong arms creeping,
And looking into your love-lit eyes.

I know, in the way that sins are reckoned,
This thought is a sin of the deepest dye;
But I know, too, if an angel beckoned,
Standing close by the Throne on High,
And you adown by the gates infernal,
Should open your loving arms and smile,
I would turn my back on things supernal,
To lie on your breast a little while.

To know for an hour you were mine completely --
Mine in body and soul, my own --
I would bear unending tortures sweetly,
With not a murmur and not a moan.
A lighter sin or a lesser error
Might change through hope or fear divine;
But there is no fear, and hell has no terror,
To change or alter a love like mine.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

11:05PM

Just looking to find some meaning in all of this. Juts looking to understand what I want. What I feel.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

10:41PM

When a man loves a woman
Cant keep his mind on nothin else
Hed trade the world
For a good thing hes found
If she is bad, he cant see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
If he puts her down

When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
Trying to hold on to what he needs
Hed give up all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain
If she said thats the way
It ought to be

When a man loves a woman
I give you everything I got (yeah)
Trying to hold on
To your precious love
Baby please dont treat me bad

When a man loves a woman
Deep down in his soul
She can bring him such misery
If she is playing him for a fool
Hes the last one to know
Loving eyes can never see

Yes when a man loves a woman
I know exactly how he feels
cause baby, baby, baby
I am a man
When a man loves a woman

Thursday, February 22, 2007

4:55PM

I don't feel like Sean loves me anymore. He has just gotten into this pattern of not trying. Not being loving. We have a talk, and then things are good for a week, and then nothing. I feel like giving up. I sometime wish that something bad will happen to me, and then he will realise that he is not good enough to me. He is not bad to me,he just seems indifferent all the time.

There is none of that feeling that I make him happy, that he can't bear to live without me. Its just blank indifference. I find myself wondering how much long this will last, how I will cope financially on my own... I am certain I can cope other than with the problems I may have financially. I want to leave just so that he knows, but then that is such a big risk, isn't it? What about the cats? What would we do about them?

I know sometomes relationships end up in a rut, but how long should they last? Should I just leave him to it until he is ready fight for me? for our relationship?

Sean is going to Houston on 7th March for two weeks, so maybe that will be a good thing. Maybe he will find himself. He has no idea who he is, and seems that he does not even want to find out. He has put priorities on other things - like money. He does not realise that money does not buy happiness. That money is not the answer. He needs to find himself, figure out who he is. Then maybe he would grow up.

I know I have my own little issues and have been seeing therapists for years now, but I am so much more balanced than him. I know who I am, I know where I want to be... As much as I love him and care for him, maybe it is time to move on. Maybe it is time to set sail for new horizons, new discoveries... Maybe it is time to give up on us, because maybe whatever was there is now gone.

what I liked about Sean when I fell in love with him:
Clever - He still is
Funny - He still is
Mysterious - In that he does not tell me anything - he still is
Caring - maybe he cares but he does not show it
Protecting - He thinks I should look after myself, but thats not the point
Devoted - focus has changed from me to his career and money
Deep conversations - we don't talk about anything philosphical anymore... Not because I don't try, because he won't.

Thats the thing, though, TRYING. He does not try anymore. I wish he would do something. Does he realise that the less he tries the harder it is for me to love him? I really don't know anymore.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

9:11PM

Long time since I have updated:

I have my new visa, I don't have to go back to South Africa.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

9:43PM - The plot thickens

You know that you should start worrying when you realise that your boyfriend of five years has not got a romantic bone in his body and you will never have the romance in your life that you have always dreamt about.

He says that he can't think of things to do. I say Bullsh*t. It is easy to put a CD on and dance with someone in your living room. It's easy to run your girlfriend a bath and fill the bathroom with candles, and bath with her... So, I thought, for all the guys out there struggling to come up with romantic ideas to woo their girlfriends into that butterfies-in-your-stomache feeling that she has been looking for, or to simply get theminto bed, here are some ideas that would do it for me.

Put a nice song on and slow dance with her in the living room.
Run her and you a bath, fill the bathroom with candles, and bath with her.
Wash her hair for her.
Buy her a pretty dress, have it wrapped in a box, and when she comes home from work, present it to her, and announce that you are going to dinner.
Take her for a surprise weekend away - and organise everything from buying tickets, to getting someone to house sit.
Take her for a walk in the park.
Dinner by candle light, cooked by you.
Take half a day off work, go home, candles with safety holder thingies everywhere (be careful - candles can cause fires!) and surprise her when she gets home. If you are hungry, order pizza.
Go to the pet store with her and look at the baby animals with her (you don't have to buy them).
Take her for a scenic drive
Spend some time talking to her in bed.
REALLY talk to her - she is not that interested in your work. She is not that interested in your family. She is interested in how you feel about her. She is interested in your hopes and dreams for the future (and not so much career ambitions) especially your plans for starting a family, and growing old, and where you want to retire. You have to spend time talking to her, as much as you men hate to bear your soul, do it.
Give her a foot rub.
Give her a head massage.
Help her cook dinner.

Honestly - it does not take much - all you need to do is express actual interest in her, and interest in spending time with her. When you are around her, treat her as if there is no where else you would rather be. Not in front of your PC, or XBox, or PS2, not out with your mates having a pint. Women always suspect the truth - we all suspect that you would rather be doing something else... As much as you may love the her, it is difficult for you to give one person so much attention. Unfortunately, if you don't you may just lose them, before you have evr really had them.

Monday, February 13, 2006

8:31PM

So Broody I cann't even tell you! I won't have a kid until I am married (I have this idea about how family should be made and I am sentimental, so don't even try to convince me otherwise)!

Not that I think that I am going to be married anytime soon because Sean seems to have other priorities. Besides, I think he is too chicken to be able to ask, and I don't want to force him into it. I love him so much, he really is everything to me, and I couldn't be with anyone else, so if I am going to ever have a family I may have to stick it out even if it means I will have to have a crap wedding when I am old, and stupid and ugly... Only problem is that I won't be able to have kids by then, so really I am throwing my life away on some guy I am in love with, but if you can't have kids with someone you love I don't think you should have kids at all.

Two wine glasses of baileys and I am not completely sober so unable to write my exam. I am rather tired too, and am extreme dieting at the moment because I feel really fat and ugly. I wish I could feel beautiful, but it is this beer boep that makes me utterly depressed, therefore consuming beyond the normal one glass of wine a week - have shifted to a glass of baileys a day, and today two glasses of baileys. So depressed about my weight. I weigh 64 KGs, 24% fat I have! Thats a lot of fat. I really wish there was an easier way, but I must stick with salad. Salad is probably the safest route: I could always puke it up, but would not want to risk being even less atractive. I wish I was pretty. That would make the world of difference. I feel so utterly ugly - probably more so now that I have my period. Yes - I do have periods, and because I am not entirely sober, I am not too embaressed to talk about it. I am woman. Hear me Roar... (Meau)

I am so tired of waiting. I am so bored with life - when do you actually get the thing that you have always dreamed of? I will neve be married./

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

2:53PM - Days Like This - Van Morrison

When it's not always raining there'll be days like this
When there's no one complaining there'll be days like this
When everything falls into place like the flick of a switch
Well my mama told me there'll be days like this

When you don't need to worry there'll be days like this
When no one's in a hurry there'll be days like this
When you don't get betrayed by that old Judas kiss
Oh my mama told me there'll be days like this

When you don't need an answer there'll be days like this
When you don't meet a chancer there'll be days like this
When all the parts of the puzzle start to look like they fit
Then I must remember there'll be days like this

When everyone is up front and they're not playing tricks
When you don't have no freeloaders out to get their kicks
When it's nobody's business the way that you wanna live
I just have to remember there'll be days like this

When no one steps on my dreams there'll be days like this
When people understand what I mean there'll be days like this
When you ring out the changes of how everything is
Well my mama told me there'll be days like this

Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this

Monday, November 21, 2005

8:18PM - Inner Peace

So, I found my inner peace. I have dealt with everything that was previously affecting my everyday life. I have forgiven those who needed forgiveness, and I have forgiven myself for all that I have done wrong.

Funny, after all this, after all that I have achieved in my little journey inward, after all that weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I feel terribly bored. I am not used to not having issues. I am not used to not having problems. I almost want to cry.

I thought that after I had managed to achieve this inner peace, I would move on to some sort of higher plain. I thought I would have more of a connection with the source. But I feel less connected than every before. I am left wondering what my next move should be. Astral travel is not the way... You can't achieve much from there. Lucid dreaming can be fun, but still, there is not much to be achieved there. So what tools can I use to feel more connected? Besides all this, I thought it was going to take so much longer to find my inner peace, that I was not quite prepared for all of this. Turned out that my issues were small and insignificant, and I was not all that damaged either. The biggest thing that I discovered about myself is that I struggle to accept that I am loved. Inside, I don't believe that people love me, only that people use me. My friends, my family, even Sean... But I am learning to accept that I am loved.

Again I am stuck at a cross roads. I have no idea which direction I should take, because I have not got anyone to guide me.

The good thing is that (god forbid, before I do anything worthwhile in my life) if I die, I would be ok, because I am at peace with myself, and I understand myself, and am on good terms with myself.

I am happy, I guess, it's just difficult for me to see the difference between having an issueless life, and having an empty one. I feel like my life is empty (although there is so much love in it) because I have not got anything to worry about. At least I am at a level of higher understanding, if not higher spirituality. I will be working on all of these things, and we will see where I should be going.

Love to all that need it :)

Friday, November 11, 2005

7:38PM

So much is going on.

I don't think I am going in the correct direction. I don't think that I am able to find the correct direction without direction from somewhere else. So I don't know.

Sean and I went to the spiritualist church. It was nice.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

9:29PM - Secrets

I can't take all these secrets anymore. I would rather not know. Secrets as opposed to surprises: secrets are never good. I have all of these things inside me, I would rather not know. I would rather not know. Now I am stuck in this depressed place, keeping other people's secrets of the bad things they are doing. It is all so very bad, and I just don't feel like I can take it anymore. I don't think I can take any of this any more. I wish I could cry it all out, but I can't, I have to keep it all in, and I must die with all of this pretending that I do not know.
All these stories twisted this way and that and all told to Kirsten and all expected to be dealt with. You all feel better because you got it out of your system, someone else knows now, you are not as guilty as you were, and I am more guilty than I was and now I am trapped in this guilty miserable place, and as much as I try to forget, I can't because you are all such bad people. Why can't I stay in my own innocent world, where I only haved bad thoughts but never act on them, because I am able to see what is wrong and what is right? Why can't I beleft alone? How can I tell every one how I feel?

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

2:17PM - Sometimes I Just Don't Know

Last week I found Sean registered on a dating Website. This week, I have found him registered on3 others.

He of course denies doing any wrong. He is lying, and he knows it as well as I do. Do men actually think that they can lie after being caught in the act. We both know that he is guilty.

How do I feel? Let down. The way I see it is that he was (or still is) looking for another girlfriend while he is still seeing me. This would imply that he doesn't think I am as wonderful as he used to, which would mean that he does not really love me anymore.
My question is this: If he had decided that he wanted to look for someone else why didn't he do the honerable thing and break up with me first? Why did he move into a house with me?

2:17PM - Sometimes I Just Don't Know

Last week I found Sean registered on a dating Website. This week, I have found him registered on3 others.

He of course denies doing any wrong. He is lying, and he knows it as well as I do. Do men actually think that they can lie after being caught in the act. We both know that he is guilty.

How do I feel? Let down. The way I see it is that he was (or still is) looking for another girlfriend while he is still seeing me. This would imply that he doesn't think I am as wonderful as he used to, which would mean that he does not really love me anymore.
My question is this: If he had decided that he wanted to look for someone else why didn't he do the honerable thing and break up with me first? Why did he move into a house with me?

Monday, July 25, 2005

6:59PM

Let go of the notion that you must grasp for or struggle to attain happiness, and simply let it be. That can instantly make all the difference in the world.

-- Ralph Marston

Thursday, July 21, 2005

6:56PM

What a mission my life has been lately!

Firstly: the house is being sold
Then: my exams are coming soon, and I am not ready!
Then: Stress at work
Then: my unmarried partner visa...

I have decided to wait to apply for the unmarried partners visa... Until about 2 months before mine expires. So I have lots of time to get my documents together.

Maybe Sean and I can go to South Africa and go and sort out all our documents llater this year, or next year.
Will have to see what my finances are like at the time!

Friday, July 15, 2005

10:18AM - Love

Ever realise that you and your partner no longer have anything to talk about?

See, Sean and I fell in love with eachother, despite having absolutely nothing in common. He is a cancerian, I am Saggitarius... We were completely incompatible. We still are.

I need a man who will keep me on my toes. I need someone who will whisk me off on romantic weekends away and picnics. I need a high energy, exciting person. Sean is not that. He is a computer nerd. He comes home and either sits in front of his computer, or in front of the TV. H ehas never whisked me off for a romantic weekend, picnic: he hasn't even ever taken me out for a romantic dinner for two - other than me suggesting we go out for dinner...

Sean needs a woman that is as shy, and introverted as he is.

Anyway, we talked about it last night, and Sean is very upset. He didn't realise, and now he does, but he wants to do something about it. It would take personailty changes to fix it, and that aint going to happen...

I do love him. I do want to spend the rest of my life with him...

I will try.

10:18AM - Love

Ever realise that you and your partner no longer have anything to talk about?

See, Sean and I fell in love with eachother, despite having absolutely nothing in common. He is a cancerian, I am Saggitarius... We were completely incompatible. We still are.

I need a man who will keep me on my toes. I need someone who will whisk me off on romantic weekends away and picnics. I need a high energy, exciting person. Sean is not that. He is a computer nerd. He comes home and either sits in front of his computer, or in front of the TV. H ehas never whisked me off for a romantic weekend, picnic: he hasn't even ever taken me out for a romantic dinner for two - other than me suggesting we go out for dinner...

Sean needs a woman that is as shy, and introverted as he is.

Anyway, we talked about it last night, and Sean is very upset. He didn't realise, and now he does, but he wants to do something about it. It would take personailty changes to fix it, and that aint going to happen...

I do love him. I do want to spend the rest of my life with him...

I will try.

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