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2nd May 2006

7:30am: penny lane
Marie- I am going to miss you so much over the summer! What am I going to do without you? I'm excited for fall though, aww, we're going to have so much fun rooming together. I can't wait! I am so glad that I met you, I can't even imagine how lonely I would have been this past month if you weren't around. I love you girl!
FOR REAL!!!! hey caleb's cute right? he was cute doin his little project outside right?
Yeah, he definitely was. Mitch looked cute too, the sun reflecting on his hair... aww I like you two. But yeah, I am crushing on Caleb right now.
That's so cool. yall should have a little thing maybe. or at least some fun flirting, like u and adrian haha. then u me and mitch and caleb could chill together. awww that would be fun lol
You and Mitch are out of control when it comes with me and guys. His eyes are really pretty. This room really does smell like hamster... we need to clean it, hardcore. You and I are like all intertwinded together right now, it's cute. hahaha
hahaha it is i love u so much oh! write about the cereal and the kid in ur twoD class:
Okay, cereal story: Adrian and I went to go get some cereal in Scafe and when he was filling the bowl with milk I told him he was putting soy milk in it -just messing around b/c him and I always do that- and he looked at me with this terrified and clueless look and was like, "What do I do?" (with his funny accent)
Okay, 2D kid story: My class was all talking before the professor came in, b/c we're all pretty chummy. And this kid Matt -freakin hilarious- out of the blue was like, "Is anyone else going through a what the hell am I doing here college kid crisis?" and he was dead serious. I started laughing sooo hard and was like, "Hell yeah!" I will definitely never forget that. Probably one of the funniest things I've heard since I've been at SCAD.
OK hahaha i have to tell the penny lane bong story.
So we're in my room. Me and penny and matt and fred, and me and matt are fighting over what music to put on all night and he wouldn't let a song play for more than 10 seconds. All of this while penny is like interviewing fred trying to get him to tell her what he liked to do other than drink beer HAHA.
So fred leaves his bong in the middle of the fucking room and penny gets up to go to the bathroom and guess what... she BREAKS IT HAHAHA. I thought it was funny but i didn't laugh out loud, i was laughing really hard in my head though. So she gives money to fred for the bong and he tries refusing it for like 20 minutes but finally takes it.
The very next day, me matt and fred (penny wasn't there because she was going to florida (even though she only went for like 2 hours and then turned around)) go to buy a new bong (which is cooler than the new one mind u) and guess what we call it? PENNY LANE. In memory of the beautiful wonderful bong breaking caitlin pendola :D
SO thats all folks... for now...
if we think of any other funny stories well add em in.

xoxo - marie
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: bob dylan

6th February 2006

7:28pm: Thankyou so much for taking time to answer me...
You have no idea how much it means to me... If you ever get sick of having to answer these e-mails just tell me, and you don't have to take so much time out of your schedule to answer me, I know you're busy, I would understand...

I couldn't find anything to make the guilt go away and your biggest piece of advice was to go confess... I know I should... but I don't feel worthy of God's forgiveness. I don't know if that makes sense. I want to confess and I want to be forgiven but I also know when you go confess you have to truly, honestly be sorry and never make that mistake again.

I'm scared... What if I confess and the weight of my sin is lifted and then am not able to resist temptation? I feel so helpless, so weak, so incapable of saying no to things that are presented to me that I know are wrong... Why is it guilt only comes after having sinned? Every time I'm about to do something wrong it feels so right. What if I confess and then sin again? I don't think I could handle being forgiven by God for a mistake and then make that mistake again... I think my guilt would just consume me. But does that mean I'm not a good person... will I never be able to confess and ask for forgiveness for fear of sinning again? Will I never be able to resist temptation... Will I never be worthy, or good enough, or pure enough for God?

Am I condemned to a life of sin?

I am scared to death to go confess... and I always have been... I don't want to be one of those people who go confess and then just screw up again... and go confess again... Doesn't that take away all the purpose and beauty of confession?

Sometimes I feel like God is being unfair... Why does he make it so hard for me to resist sinning when his biggest expectation is for me not to sin? How can he ask me for something so impossible... how? why?
I can't do it... I'm not strong enough... Does he love more those who sin less?

Does he love me less because I'm weak?

I do feel far from God and I know it's surely my fault but I feel like I'm trying so hard to bring myself closer to him and he can't help me do that... When I speak to God I am crying on my knees far below him on earth while he just looks at the world from up top... silent. There's so many people on earth how can he hear me? When I speak to God I want to be sitting right in front of him, so close I could be whispering and he would be able to hear me. I want to be alone with him... I don't want the rest of the world to be there with him too...
Am I being selfish?

I can't bring myself to go confess because I'm frightened to death of sinning again... I could never live with myself...
I'm not worthy of God's forgivness...


Thank you again for helping me out, I know I must be annoying...

I just had one more question... Sometimes... I disagree completely with what the priest says in church. And when I disagree with him, it angers me and i feel frustrated to not understand why what he is saying is the right way. It makes me cry so much to disagree with him. Why is God telling him things he isn't telling me?

Why does the priest speak of authority and obedience when i want him to speak to me of love and understanding?

Someone told me I belonged in a Mary Poppins movie earlier lol, maybe that's my problem... I want the world to be perfect, I want to be perfect, I believe people are good at heart no matter what... Why does the world sin? Why do I sin? God offers us so many beautiful things why can't we offer him a life free of sin in return?

Why are we so weak?
Why am I so weak?
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: tryo - cinq sens

25th January 2006

4:09pm: two songs
i am unwritten...
i'm undefined
NOONE else can speak the words on your lips
live you life with arms wide open
the rest is still unwritten....

unwritten - natasha bedingfield

so sick - ne-yo

i'm coming to corpus.... the 3rd... i love you guys
Current Mood: hopeful

15th December 2005

7:49pm: i've been makin a lot of private and friend entries... i guess i should make an update everyone can see hahaha or not...
my flip flops are broken... i'm poor... i was in a good mood today...
on sunday... he's coming to houston... my bestest bestest friend ever... i love you thomas... i'm gonna spend every second he's here with him... mon thomas à moi...
until then...

21st October 2005

11:54am: dreams
Last night i had so many dreams... and nightmares.

The first was horrible... it was the worst nightmare i've had in the longest time. It woke me up and i was scared like you're scared when you're a little girl and you're so terrorized you have to go wake your mom up and go back to sleep in her bed. I stayed awake for half an hour willing myself to forget it. I usually try to go over my dreams at night if they wake me up so that i can remember them in the morning. This was different though. Every time the dream would drift back into my mind i had to wrack my brains to find something else to keep my mind off of the nightmare. It wouldn't work for very long though and every time i thought about the nightmare i would go into this insane paranoia. I woke up this morning and couldn't remember any of it except a tiny little piece: a child which i think belonged to me was sitting in front of me on a chair and aging by the second... when she got to about the age of a teenager (i'd say she looked 18 or so) she just looked at me and i was totally terrified... she looked so horrible... half dead half alive... her face was lifelessly pale... her hair long and pitch black falling lankly to her sides... one of her eyes seemed to have been ripped out and the other had this maniacal obsessive glint in it... I was almost crying of fear... Right then i looked to the right of me on the floor and i saw... skin... like someone's skin had been peeled off of their entire body... just a pile of empty bloody skin...

That's when i woke up... I don't know if i knew then who the skin belonged to... was it mine or the girl's? Either way i don't remember now and i'm sort of relieved i don't... It felt SO real

My next dream wasn't scary at all... just really random and short:
My dad comes in and tells me he bought me a skirt... He pulls it out and it's a short jean skirt with Abercrombie&Fitch written in huge at the front. I take it, tell him thankyou and that it's my favorite skirt there and i've been dreaming of having it for the longest time. Once he leaves i take the skirt and i find the tag on it. I grab a pink marker and color the tag pink...

Next and last dream (not scary but really stressful... like a thriller):
I'm driving in a car with aaron and justin in the back seat... i turn around and i tell them we have to go the beach sometime... They're like yeah totally... So i say ok how about friday? Aaron says he can't for i don't remember what reason so i'm like ok i'll go on friday with justin and then saturday we can all go together... They're like yeah ok that's great.
This whole time the weather's sunny and beautiful. Next thing i know i'm driving on the highway with them and it's pouring rain... I lose control of the car... I start hallucinating... seeing another car on the highway spinning in front of me and thinking i'm seeing us. Next thing i know we drive off of a bridge that was under construction and i'm holding on to the side of the bridge with justin and aaron hanging on to me while holding the car up. We can't see anything cuz it's so dark and i look down asking them if they think i should let go... will we die? is it far down? is there water, cement, another highway at the bottom? Next thing i know i've let go and we land softly on grass not too far down. We're all ok... we're in a some kind of palace's yard and i start freaking out because sarah mansur (an old friend from kindergarten) had lent me the car and the front of it was slightly smashed in. I don't rememeber after that... we go towards the palace and find some kind of restaurant... then that's it...

Dreams are so weird...
go figure...

Wanna hear marie's random music and confirm how weird you think i am? haha then d/l these:
La main verte - Tryo (you have to understand the words... they're all about legalizing weed but like the words are HILARIOUS)
Pop the music - Triim (you have to do a really stupid dance every time u listen to this haha)
From Paris to Berlin - Infernal
Bouger bouger - magic system (i can't understand the words either lol, the only thing i get is that basically if you're alive you have to move/dance... they call it the move move sickness hahaha)
lift your leg up - zookey (the video's great lol)
Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: Kanye west - Gold Digger + Addiction

15th September 2005

11:28pm: tu veux dire quelque chose thomas?
OUAI mais je pe pas, tu me dit de le pas faire tt en ne me disant rien....donc bon, mais je te dirai bien: 'MARIE t est trop conne, mais ke bon je t aimai comme tu etais'
WHAT!?!? g rien compris au debut, tu divague la mon pauvre, mais la fin g compris! TROP MECHANT JSUIS PAS CONNE C TIO QUI EST CON!!! mais moi aussi je taime :)
AHaaaaaaaah bah c kool, mais moi je te disais (enfin t ecrivai) que je t aimai en rigolant.
mais nan je t aimeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, je me demande ce que tu seri devenu sans moi
Une tomate pourri parce qu'elle a passer trop de temps au soleil. Et toi tu serai quoi sans moi?
Hmmmmm a par un dieu je voi pas......ou sinon pt etre bien un gars a qui il reste des cellule grise, tu voi sans destroyation massif
DESTROYATION!!!! C MEME PAS UN MOT DEJA, alors na. et puis en plus c a cause de toi qu'on a plus de cerveau d'abord, alor na.
A CAUSE DE MOI!!!!!!!! c pas moi qui s amuse a me frapper, moi je suis PACIFISTE!!!! CAPICH!!!!
haha, g top vite lu et g comprs moi je suis FASCISTE, alors g rien compris. mais la g compris ET NAN JE TE TAPE PAS!!!!!!
En plus t une menteuse. Franchement c pas kool tous sa
DDDAAAAAMMMNNN thats mean. et nan c pas vrai, c que je n'avoue pas toute la verite c tout, et puis merde je c plus ce que je dis.
La veriter???? je voi plus de quoi tu parle. donc je compte sur toi pour m expliker....
ah, ben la c'est mort pour toi parceque moi non plu je vois pas ce que dont je parle.
Je croi qu on est des bons la! Donc sur ce je te propose d arreter de taper sur l ordi parce que mes pauvres petit doight de main sont fatiguer, enfin pas fatiguer mais il prefererai faire autre chose que ...enfin je sais plus j arrete


ouais c ca, et apres tu dit que c moi qui est conne. but i keep forgetting wut im gonna say too so fuck it

ps: il faudra pas oublier toutes mes pensees philosophiques: genre le sens de la vie et tout

J ai dit THE END, on sait tous qu on rac...enfin marre de taper

Je t m ma petite marie, tu va me manker...
Current Mood: high
Current Music: sean paul-we be burnin

12th September 2005

5:36pm: walks with me
i don't know...

I wanted you to know, all of you, I love you... Having this blurty has meant the world to me. It keeps me close to you and reminds me that i have friends... that no matter what, we'll always be there for each other...
At least I'll always be there for you...

I don't have enough money to go to the college i want to go to right now... I'm 6000 dollars short... so I have to wait... i cried a lot... i was depressed... but now... i'm ok...

I'll always be O.K.

Right now i'm working at abercrombie and fitch

Hopefully i can raise enough money by december to be able to go next quarter... But i doubt i'll be able to.. it's so much money...
35000 dollars a year... are they crazy
oh well, its like the best art school in the us so i really really want to go...

Shit happens but i have my friends right? and even then, no matter what

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: kanye west - jesus walks with me

26th August 2005

12:33pm: germany and now france again
germany was incredible. the pope was five feet away from me, we slept in a field with one million other people who all came to worship christ just like i did. i spent ten days that really meant a lot in my life in germany trying to figure more about my faith and my religion. unfortunately there was a gorgeous guy in my group who distracted me from why i was really supposed to be there a whole lot. He was really sweet and every girl there was jealous of me. unfortunately again, i think the only reason i talked to him was because of that. i like it wen girls are jealous, i know its stupid but it makes me feel special, like they wish they could be me. Im an idiot, i dont know why i think that, i hate it. I dont know why i put makeup on and fix my hair up and dress in pretty clothes every day. I dont know why i feel like i always have to be pretty. I dont know why i like it.
I talked to paul about it and he told me that everyone feels that way, every one wants to be attractive, its a normal feeling. And he told me the difference is, you are pretty, so unfortunately, even though everyone thinks that way, that could make you in particular seem full of yourself. Its not fair but its true, people who are ugly and try to be pretty are pitied, people who are pretty and try to be even prettier are considered full of themselves. Fortunately for you, its ok, because you're a great person, you have a good heart, and you're not selfish, so even if you like being pretty, and you like getting attention, and you like being a leader, thats ok because when it comes down to it, what you really want is to save the world and spread love everywhere.
I felt a lot better after he told me that (cuz i had been crying cuz i was depressed) i love him so much, i cant explain what he means to me, hes always there for me no matter what, i love him so much...
I dont know what else to say, germany was too insane for me to even begin describing it.

Otherwise, yeah i am depressed for the moment, i started not eating or drinking again, but then i remembered last time i saw the doctor about my problem she told me that if i kept doing it it would screw up my body and i might not be able to have kids later on. I dont know if she was lying to make me start eating and drinking again but thats basically the only thing she could have told me to make me start again. Before that they all tried telling me i would go to the hospital and be hooked up to tubes or die, they told me i would ruin my life my health, but none of that mattered... but when she told me i might no be able to have kids... thats like stabbing me in the heart with a knife...

So now im going to have to find another way to vent out my deppression and sadness... i dont know what to do, right now i just want to get bak to the us, i miss americans, and i miss everyone in houston, and especially everyone in corpus. I think sometimes the main reasons im so depressed is because i was never able to spend more time in corpus with my friends, the best friends i ever made in the whole wide world. The best moments of my entire life were spent in choir at ray, or with all my friends from choir at restaurants, and at their houses or at my house, every single second i spent with them was unforgettable, they were, and still are, my world. I wish i could have spent senior year with them and graduated with them and been with them throughout it all, i love them to death, i could never describe how strong my friendship was to them. Whenever im depressed the only thing i can really think is that if i had my friends with me right now everything would be alright.

And it makes me cry...
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: i have a headache

2nd August 2005

6:18pm: france and soon germany
so sorry i havent updated more but ive been stuck without a comp for the past month or so lol i was off in the mountains at my grandparents house it gorgeous theres like 12 rooms for the moment and theyre still expanding lol and its really peaceful too.
well i thought i ought to update yall on my boyfriend situation. actually im back with paul again. he came and visited me three weeks in france, everyone in my family loved him, and then his parents drove all the way to where we were at in france to pick him up and have lunch with us and all and our families got along really well. so im really happy. actually we talked about marriage, me and paul. i told him i wanted to get married and have kids young cuz i wanted to be a young mom and all so he told me the more i break the rules (the rules we established for our relationship while hes in france and i in the us just to make sure what we can and cant do is clear and so we are honest with each other and all) the further away he would push his proposal and the more i respect the rules and am a good girl the closer he will plan the proposal. so i plan to be a good girl lol no really. i dunno ive realized no matter what happens i always go back to paul and that has to mean something. i mean if i add up all the time we've been together i mean as boyfriend and girlfriend its more than two and a half years and ive known him for about three so thats a lot. and its just that, i really love him no matter what happens i always love paul, even when we had that huge break up this year and he didnt talk to me and then he got expelled and EVERYTHING through all of that, even though i was with another guy it just wasnt the same as being with paul and i knew it because i loved paul, even then.
and when he got expelled i cried and when we broke up i cried, and for weeks after that i cried every night.
And when he left me afer being with me three weeks in france, and i had to take him to the train station; and see him leave in the train, it literally felt like my heart was breaking into a million pieces. the only other time ive ever felt something like that was in the car to corpus when justin was leaving me in houston.
ive cried so much since paul's been gone. i write him a letter almost everday.
well i guess i really love him, not just that either but im IN love with him. really. i want to spend the rest of my life with him, i want to marry him and have kids with him and grow old with him. i know im weird but ever since the day i met paul three years ago, he's the only person ive been able to see myself with for the rest of my life, ive never thought that about nyone else and that HAS to mean something.
well other than that ive been having loads of fun too much stuff to tell about but ive got an AWESOME tan lol!! and i got my ears pierced a second time lol it looks cool, i decided ill get them pierced a third time when i turn 18 next month :)
well thats all for now folks
until next time
luv yall lots
Current Mood: rejuvenated
Current Music: french music lol raphael-caravane

28th June 2005

7:35pm: fun in the sun
woohoo been tanning a lot cuz all ive been doing is spendin time outside
ive been going everyday to this place where water from the mountain flows down, the waters freezing but once ur in it feels awesome then i also went up in the mountains to la pene, my grandparents house in the mountains its huge its all stone walls and it has like 10 rooms it was so fun. tomorrow im going hiking and then to some waterfalls and then back to the lake its gonna be sooo much fun i cant wait cept i have to wake up at 7 blech but thats ok for what its worth lol.
otherwise me and paul are trying to figure out a way to see each other this summer in france its so complicated cuz were far from each other. i miss him a lot
other than that ive been doin like 300 abs a day minimum so i hope to have killer abs when i start college lol for all the sexy college guys lol.
im glad to be back in france and im glad im on vacation finally its so nice to FINALLY be stress free.
miss u all
hugz and kissez
Current Mood: excited
Current Music: the general by dispatch is stuck in my head d/l it its great

25th June 2005

5:52pm: first day in france
damnit i hate french keyboards sorry if i make mistakes
so im totally exhausted 9 hours in the plane 4 hours in the train and more than 4 hours in the car not including the time spent waiting at the airport.
so far so fun french guys are soooo cute and so many hott guys hit on me at the airport, even the flight attendent guy on the plane did it was hilarious.
otherwise not much has happened
ill be updating yall on blurty since i cant call nyone so if u have nything to talk about just leave me a message here or email me at ill get back to yall as soon as i can
tell me about yalls vacation too i cant wait to hear about it all
miss yall already
hugs and kissez
marie xoxo
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: dunno joe dassin electricite

15th April 2005

10:45pm: shaun
hmmmm sooo im at shaun's house
shaun's my boyfriend
he's the sexiest man alive


i met him at isas, it was crazy i din even know him
and he was annoying me at first cuz he wouldn't talk to me, he was soooo shy
so i had to go to him and go to his room and lie down in bed with him, god i swear, men!!!!!!

but shaun's glad i went to his room? right?

for real he's so sexy
ok well i gtg me and shaun are gonna go have some fun, i'll tell ya'll about the rest later

hugz and kissez
Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: shaun's random music

11th March 2005

5:42pm: men... relationships... and OMG CHRISTINE WTF!!!!!
FIRST OF ALL: CHRISTINE WTF!!!!!!! this changing for jon bullshit, it wont work dont try. i tried it, itll kill u, itll kill him, and itll kill u and him. Paul was jealous really jealous, and im social, really social, well i loved paul so much that i tried changing for him, for 7 months i talked to NOONE but him, i hung out w/ NOONE but him, if he wasn't there i would sit alone, if any guy came and talked to me i would tell him to fuck off... i changed, he wanted me to be more cuddly and touchy feely, i changed, he wanted to spend more time with me, i did, he wanted me to stop cussing, i did, he wanted me to stop dancing w/ other guys, i did. i COMPLETELY changed for him christine, and it DIDNT work!!!!!! i was miserable, i was in love, but i was miserable, i can't explain it, it was the strangest most painful best feeling in the world... chris, it's not gonna work if u do that, if u feel like u need to change, something's weird about ur relationship.
now im not tryin to screw u and jon's relationship up by tellin u somethings wrong im just saying that people told me ALL the time that there was something wrong w/ me and paul's relationship and i didnt believe them!!!!! i wouldnt listen, i thought they didnt get it, that they didnt understand us...
wut im trying to say is u should NOT change for a guy no matter what!!!!! u are who u are. un point c'est tout...! i mean its ok if he asks u to not talk w/ ur mouth full cuz it annoys him lol but NOT to chang completely...
As i suppose u probably guessed it, me and paul broke up... i basically explained it all up there /\
he became controlling, i thought it was ok, i lost all my freedom, i wouldnt have expected that from myself, i guess i kinda dissapointed myself but oh well....
Wuts awesome is i met this guy at school, his name is Maarten, he's dutch, and he's INCREDIBLE!!!! hes JUST like me!!!! we get along sooooo well and he's soooooooooo cute, he has gorgeous eyes. He's a cocky mother fucker though, like he knows he's hott... whenever i tell him he's cute he laughs and says i know... evertime he does that im like WTF lol!!!!!! and he's like awww and he gives me a huge hug but its like, he jokes around A LOT, he's hilarious, like he says a bunch of stuff thats rude but like u cant take it seriously otherwise ull hate his fuckin guts. Like i'll tell him he better think about me and he'll be like no way and ill just laugh and hell hug me and be like "thank you so much for not taking everything i say seriously, of course i'm gonna think about u, i cant get u out of my head"... and im like awwwww!!!!!!
he's great it's crazy... i dunno... we're just friends right now, but, i guess it's kinda implied we're gonna be more eventually but both of us are having fun teasing each other... its so much more fun to move slowly... its like when we finally kiss its gonna be sooooo intense cuz we always get sooooo close but never kiss... itll be crazy... i dunno... sorry i'm ranting, i just really like this guy lol
other than that... i dunno!!!!! i finally finished my portfolio!!!! and i dunno im still failing physique-chimie but im doing better in math so thats good... everything else is doing better... so many guys came up to me and they were like !!!!!!!u and paul broke up !!!!!!!!!!! thankyou i love you!!!!!! now we can talk again!!!!!!! and im just like yeah lol!!!!
nyways hugz and kissez
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: drop, take it 2 the floor, mockingbird

2nd March 2005

7:43pm: complications
He loves me more than life itself, he tells me everday. He cries for me, he fights for me, he'd give his life for me. But I never get to have some friends, i never get to talk, to anyone but him. I love him so much, he's my world right now. But i don't know what to do... today he threw a drink in a guy's face and almost hit him, this guy is a really good friend of his, but he just snapped... he snaps all the time... he can't stand when i talk to people, or laugh with friends, he hates it when guys even dare look at me for half a second. It's like he wants to beat the whole world up. He even got jealous of his dad for talking to me. He says it's like a sickness, he can't get it to leave. I understand and yet it's getting harder and harder for me... but i love him... i'm so confused...
Christine, it's crazy the amount of hate and rage u can make boil up in me, everytime u say that fucker steven's name i just wish he were here so i could beat the shit out of him, it's incredible... I would kill to be able to take a swing at that guy, i would fuck him up like no other, all hell would break loose.... FUCK I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!
Other than that, not much, art... lol i got second place at district for my portfolio, and my teacher was mad, saying that mine was soooo much better than the girl's who won, i wuz like yay :) So next is state, i hope i do good, other than my portfolio, 3 of my pieces got between 2nd and 6th place which is good :) cuz those are the only ones i entered :)
The school wants to buy one of my drawings, but i suppose it depends how much they'll pay me for it cuz i really really really like it, so we'll see, i DEFINETLY won't sell it for less than 100 dollars so they'll have to deal with that lol!
otherwise i miss everyone in corpus a lot, i wish i could come down soooo bad, i seriously am just DYING to go back to ray for like one day at lunch and choir or something it would be soooo much fun :) lol
TOO MUCH HOMEWORK, i never get to bed before 2 and i have to wake up at 6 every morning blech :(
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: PART - awesome composer

15th February 2005

4:48pm: i know... its been forever...
but even now i dont really have time... gotta rush...
still with paul... more than six months now... i love him... but i miss freedom... its kinda difficult right now, im in a tight spot, dont really know what to do... right now he's more important than my freedom but... will he always be? I'm confused but i love him...
A lot of studying which is what i have to go do right now...
i wanted to try to come to corpus this week but i dont think it'll work out... i'm gonna miss paul this week, im going to the ranch...
been going out a bit more thats good... still have a couple colleges to apply to...
a lot of badass songs on the radio right now...
just finished reading a really good book, a greek tragedy, Medea, really good and short which was nice...
well ill try and update more often...
till then,
luv ya,
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: 1,2 step + let me love you (such a cute song)

3rd December 2004

7:02pm: headache
things are crazy... i have a headache... i have a headache all the time...
u guys can u do me a HUGE favor... if any of u have pics of us (the gang or me and u...) will u pleaz send them to me!? in my senior year book i have a whole page im allowed to put pics in and write stuff but i want pics of us and i dont have that many so pleaaaaz if u can, send some ok!?!?!?!? i luv yall
a lot of homework
im still with paul... we went and spent 4 days in big bend with his family it was really fun, his parents are really sweet and i love him so much. we got to have our own hotel room (yummy fun fun fun) lol. My mom was like i cant believe im letting u do this but after all ur almost going off to college i guess i need to let u be responsible for urself. so that was nice of her lol.
otherwise, well i miss a lot of pple in corpus, ive been thinkin about yall a lot... its odd... i just realized me and jeff had a really good thing going... its weird how things happen... how we broke up and all... we went through so much together lol... i was thinkin bout that cuz i found a note from sofa that we wrote to each other in adv. and design and sofa wuz like OMG marie! u HAVE to get with jeff im ean yall are sooo alike and blablabla and i wuz like ya but i like paul and so and so forth and sofa wuz like no damnit ur getting with jeff lol!!!!!! it wuz funny good times lol. adv and design wuz so much fun (spending two hours talking about the passion with sofa, johnny depp, never filling in my stupid folder with the assignments, me and sofa's "if u know wut i mean") lol it was crazy times...
by the way

Colleges im applying to:
Art institute of San Fransisco California (not too hard for me to get into)
University of Advancing technology (Tempe, AZ) (not too hard for me to get into)
Savannah College of Art and Design (Georgia) (hopefully easily no problem for me to get into)
MIT (Boston) (excessively hard for me to get into but hey, everyone can dream right? lol)

Backup college:
UT in austin... (i guess it could be fun)

i just had an interview with the mit ec and she was reallly nice i think it went well, but well u know we'll see...

not much
just chilling
i started smoking ugh!!!! im so mad at myself... im not the kind of person to get addicted... so i hope i dont get too addicted to cigarettes... i try to go a couple days without them every two or three weeks just to make sure im not addicted and its always been no problem to not smoke for 4 or 5 days so im good i guess... usually i only smoke one or two a day and sometimes its 3 or 4 but never really more so i dont think its that bad...

yall im comin to corpus soon! ok!!! yay!!!!!!

i luv yall so much
i miss u
Current Music: xmas music... xmas repertoire... xmas xmas xmas lol

17th October 2004

2:26pm: maybe i do feel different... (chris read this one)
It feels so different this year, i'm focusing on my studies a lot, figuring out where i'm going to go to college (italy, paris, california, georgia!?!? where!?!?). My art is really coming along, my portfolio is getting better and better. Me and Paul are still together, it's weird cuz i don't even count how long it's been, i'm not interested really, two months, five months, 2 years, what's the difference lol?!
I want to be with him forever... no kidding... hmmm... i suppose i shouldn't jinx it... We spend every day together, when i'm not with him... i feel so strange, like i can't do anything, like something's missing. He makes me feel like i can do anything... he makes me feel like if i wanted to i could save the world... Everything's so right with him... we spend half our life at starbux or star's cafe lol and we just talk... or we study lol, but it's like i can't do anything if i'm not with him... really.
I don't really care for making any other friends, even though i still think friends are important...
...he's more important than friends...
wow, weird, I never thought i'd say that...
I don't care for flirting with other guys, i don't care for going out to party... i'd much rather spend the night with him... if we're not at school, we're out having coffee or smoking, just talking or we're at each other's house. If i don't spend the night at his house, he spends the night at mine. We talk about everything and nothing, anything that we're thinking about... i have nothing to hide from him, i feel beautiful when i'm with him... he tells me i'm gorgeous and i'm the most talented artist he's ever met, he tells me i'm smart and interesting... He tells me he loves me...
He is my world, my life, my love... my all...
He's right...

I don't understand people who can't let go of their old boyfriends or girlfriends that really screwed up... those relationships that you know deep down weren't meant to be... It's over, you know it's not right, but there is someone out there who IS right for you... so forget about it, move on, fuck it, screw everything that happened, throw it out the window, let the wind blow it all away, don't look back, because you don't want them in the way when you do find that right person... they're not right, damnit! Let them go fuck themselves up the ass!!!!! I know this is harsh, but i want you to get it... you're not gonna be in corpus for the rest of your life, you're not gonna be around him forever much less in the same school as him... Eventually he will go away, and you won't want him back... so why waste away over something that will NEVER work... Go out and find that right person... christine... u've probably figured out this is for you... Forget about him!! i KNOW it's hard, but you KNOW it's never gonna work either, and if there's any doubt that maybe it could work... really think about it chris... think about every single time he's led you on to think that... and think about every single time he's fucked you over... could you even count!? There's no point in wasting your senior year cuz of this... I know its hard, i know, i know, i know!!!! But try chris, TRY! Because i love you, because your friends love you, because your parents love you... do it for us... steven doesn't love you, no matter how much he tries to convince you to get some ass, or even to convince himself to not go on such big guilt trips... he doesn't.... if he ever did... it's gone and done... he let the wind blow it all away... why don't you...
Maybe i sound mean... but it's cuz i love you... and i know that maybe that doesn't make up for how harsh i just was, but just try to understand where i'm coming from... i want you to be happy... and the only thing in your way is steven... Don't you get it!? Steven is the only thing bringing you down... y would u want to even bother with something like that... forget him!!! And if he ever comes crawling back to you... no chris, it's not cuz he's come to the sudden realization that you're right for him (cuz ur not), it's cuz he wants ass... just keep telling yourself he's had some brilliant revelation from God that he loves you... and you will live in misery for the rest of your fucking life...
You are so much better than all of his stupid bullshit... you are someone who has a heart of gold, you are really smart, you have aspirations in life, i'm in awe every time i read your blurty entries at the extent of your writing skills and the depth of your thoughts, you are going to get somewhere in life christine forbus, you are going to matter, in ten years from now i will look up your name on the internet "Christine Forbus", and you know what i'll find next to it: "Grammy" or "Nobel Prize in Literature". But that is NEVER gonna happen if you don't move on... you are SO MUCH BETTER than that... I love u chris... get it through that thick head of yours...
Current Mood: productive
Current Music: Avril Lavigne and Ashlee Simpson

1st September 2004

4:42pm: what is it...
What is it about houston that makes you want to listen to lil wyte and get really really fucked up...
like seriously fucked up... Maybe its the stress... whatever it is... i am dying for something... nything thats gonna obscure my judgment...
And its not like that oooh yay fun fucked up, its like that "fingers get numb...what is the season...where r we at... and y are we leavin? trees are shrinkin" kind of fucked up...
oh well...
maybe this weekend right???
hell ya it better be this weekend or im gonna like shoot someone...
i keep forgetting everything like an hour after it happens...
i never know what day it is...
everything is just pissing me off...

Current Mood: stressed
Current Music: lil wyte

27th August 2004

4:28pm: my brain
Every friday we have swim lessons for the baccalauréat.... oooh fine lifeguard... every girl wuz like drooling over him... so the class goes by and everything and a bit before we have to leave he shouts out my name while im in the pool... i turn around and im all yeah? and he's like u should come see me before u leave... i wuz all... yeah, maybe and i laugh and i keep swimming... so class ends and i cant go talk to him cuz the teacher wuz like talking to me the whole time we were walking to the locker rooms... so im in the locker rooms changing and one of my friends anne-sophie is all, hey the lifeguard outside is askin for you... so i sneak out and i go find him and we talk and he ends up asking for my number... lol funny stuff... i get bak in the locker room and mandy and anouk were all "how do u do it?" and i wuz like "wut?" and mandy wuz all "get a guy to ask you for ur number without even talking to him... and i wuz like ... well, u look at them and then it just... happens... i dunno how!

Otherwise, first week of school... crazy seein everyone again... damn there are so many hott guys its madness... and like they all manage to sit together at lunch and u just like turn around and theyre all there like hey! marie! and i end up just sitting there with all of them around me in complete amazement just staring lmao!

Me and Paul aren't together... everyone thinks we are though... i guess its because we dont know how act as just friends so we try but it doesnt work out too well all the time... i don't know what to do with him... he makes me smile... and he does the stupidest but cutest things... like passes a little piece a paper to me in class with "consider yourself hugged xoxo" written on it... omg so pathetic but so cute... my baby lol...

I don't have time for anything nymore its terrible, like my brain is completely going mad... like the other day justin calls around 8 or something and i wuz all where were u earlier today and he wuz like uuuh huh? and i wuz all cuz i tried calling you... and he was like yeah i answered we talked.... and i though for a second and i wuz like omg are u serious i forgot that and it only happened like a couple hours ago.... I have so much homework its unbelievable... i had class on monday until 6 just testing and then it happens again this monday till 6 again! omg i dont even have time to go to capoeira nymore i havent gone for like more than a week its terrible...

I don't think my body or mind have ever been this tired... well at least not for a long time...

It's weird but all i wanna right now is get really fucked up... i guess because im so stressed... i dunno

Well maybe ill go to a party tonight if i have time...

I miss u Justin :(

Well i guess thats all for now
ill try to update again some time soon...

hugz and kissez
Current Mood: productive
Current Music: oxy cotton - lil wyte

21st August 2004

3:34pm: It's the fact that i know that he keeps a key to the house in the box near the back door
Current Mood: hopeful

13th August 2004

12:00pm: You guys started school yesterday right!?!?
Yall better tell me all about it ok!?!?!?

12th August 2004

11:05pm: outside
I don't know what to say...
Why do things always go my way?
Sometimes i wish life would find its own way because making all these decisions makes everything so heavy...
Lmao... sigh... the puppet master needs a vacation...

I stay behind...

I believe they can take anything from me but they can't succeed in taking my inner peace...

Damn it lol it's always that song...

It's cool though, it always reminds me to breathe

I'm humanly inable to please everyone at the same time...
So now i find my peace of mind in living just one day at a time

You know when you miss someone so much and it hurts so much that you pull away hoping it'll help with the pain... don't let me do that justin... hold on ok?

In the end i answer to one God
Comes out of one Love
Till I get to Heaven above
I have made the decision
Never to give in
Till the day i die no matter what...
I'm gonna carry on
I'm gonna keep on...
Singin my song...

Lol... Rudy's such a cool guy... i'm glad i met him...
You're coming to houston rudy!!! it'll be crazy lol...

I believe they can take anything from me... but they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
Current Music: Christina Aguilera-Singin my song+Bonnie McKee-Somebody

9th August 2004

11:08am: random
i had a dream about paul last night, weird, seing as i haven't talked to him like all summer but yeah it was random, i woke up in the middle of the night and i was all oooh cool, paul!!! lol
Otherwise i bought a whole bunch of stuff for my room we're painting the wall red and the floor beige and i got a little red carpet (it's gonna be crazy u dont even know) lol so that's been loads of fun, oh and school starts in 10 days exactly, crazy... it'll be fun though, i have to go shopping before though i have completely run out of everything... makeup, clothes... well everything...
It's my birthday it a bit more than a month... crazy this past year went waaaay too fast...
Well otherwise there's nothing much else...
till next time
OH, and if anyone knows the name of a song with these lyrics in it, can u pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaase tell me!!??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? thanx lol:

watchin the credits roll by... roll... roll... roll on by

It's a girl singing it and she has an awesome voice...
well if you find out thatd be great
muah lol
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: watchin the credits roll by... roll... roll... roll on by

3rd August 2004

6:53pm: Gosh... I miss sopha a whole lot...
i was listening to "c'était l'hiver" and it reminded me of her soooo much... It was so cool always having her there to talk to... i always felt sooo comfortable telling her everything... like she always got it... plus, she's the only person i know who totally got how awesome that song was, and she doesn't even speak french!!!!
i luv you sopha muah xoxo
Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: isabelle boulay/francis cabrel - c'

31st July 2004

12:53pm: If...
If i went to Bellaire high school (one of the most recognized high schools) i could take the I.B program (International Baccalauréat) and all the hardest classes they have, like just skip everything to the most advanced math the most advanced sciences everything. Then i could study on my own for the french baccalauréat and go to france in june to take it... Take my SATs again and get that 1300 damnit... im so close to it :( ... and get my high school diploma... oh and take a class at art institute of houston to help with my portfolio...

Then, i could go to any college i wanted and be like... i have my high school diploma along with an international and french baccalauréat, a 1300 on my SATs and a badass portfolio... oh ya... and for two years i went to two different schools (one american, one french) just for the sake of my personal culture and love of learning...
bitch! wut now!?

Or i could go to awty... cuz tellin a college that you went to awty is really really reallllly good too... and doin the whole bellaire thing would be almost unspeakably difficult... not like i don't always pull through with everything i do... but still... unspeakably hard, i'd rather do the awty thing...
There's still a chance i might not be able to go to awty... id my sister and/or brother don't go we might not get the bourse from the french government (meaning they might not pay for me to go to awty) and we definetly can't pay like 14,000 somn dollars for me to go to school...
So that's looming over me too... oh well...
Things shall go as God wants them to i guess...

Oh well...
hugz and kissez
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: chelsea on the disney channel
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