| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Junior Kickstart -- The Go! Team |
] |
Maybe I'm just imagining it, but lately I've been starting to feel as if there's a newfound sense of tension between me and K. Oh, right -- I forgot to tell you that I'm, if not bisexual, then definitely bicurious. Anyway, I don't remember what triggered this tension, but all I know is that suddenly it's there. We've been friends for about 8 months now and we've grown closer to each other all the while, yet the feelings that I'm experiencing are something new. Lately there's been more physical contact between us, and paired with the sexual innuendos that we're always flinging around in our daily conversation, it makes me wonder if I'm not just imagining the pressure. If I were to be brutally honest with myself and my feelings, I would ask myself if I'm sexually attracted to K. I guess in some respects I am, but at the same time I'm fearful of what this strange attraction can mean for our friendship. More importantly, I might be the only one who feels the tension, for all I know. I have never been attracted to an actual female friend, only strangers in the streets, so I'm scared. This feeling is new and exciting and confusing and nerve wrecking, all at once.
In the past, the topics of bisexuality and homosexuality have been brought into lunch time conversations with my friends. I've admitted to myself of my bisexuality for almost two years now, and only a handful of really close friends know about my sexuality, and none of them include the new friends that I made this year. Even though most of them have become near and dear to my heart, I don't feel I'm quite ready to proclaim my sexuality. None of them have ever spoken against homosexuality and they claim to support it -- once when I was defending the concept of bisexuality and explaining to some friends that very few people are completely straight or completely gay, and that most people fall somewhere in the middle -- Karen agreed wholeheartedly with me. Which now makes me wonder if she herself is bicurious?
The topic hasn't been broached recently, but I feel as if I should definitely take some steps towards coming clean with my girlfriends. I fear their reactions will be negative, though -- all of my close friends are Asian, coincidentally. Even though they may claim to be supporters of homosexuality, it doesn't necessarily mean they're not secretly a little bit homophobic on the inside.
Anyway, physical contact between K, and I has so far been wrapping arms around each others' waists, her resting her arm on my back or on my knee, and the day before yesterday I "wrote" something on her tummy. It seems pretty innocent, doesn't it? Like the acts of two really good friends who are close and comfortable around each other.
Ugh, whatever. All this thinking hurts my head. =]
|