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huuuummmm? [21 Aug 2003|07:57pm] destiny is a mistory, if your really ment for some one you allways love them and they you. if you are true meant to be, you will be together again no matter how many time youve seperated. post comment

something ive heard [16 Aug 2003|12:53pm] [ mood | calm ] if you love someone you should be able to look at someone atractive and say yeah she cute or something and never think any more then that if your truely in love with some one. but then again if you can even do that, if you have to go after that other person and get involed with that person more then just friend then youre not in love. i often wounder if im truly in love but then again ive fallen in love kuit a few times ans every time its with the wrong person. i was told if your truely destained to be with some one then youll be with them again in the futer post comment

i am dead [14 Aug 2003|06:43pm] [ mood | rushed ] [ music | whisle of trains. ] to all the people who knew me, im gone and past away. im my place a new person. still trying to figure out wut was my life nad trying to make it by in life twice as good as i did. this person will take my place in every thing. he will have a house finaly some thing i could never get. and my old car fixed and improved. he will know wut to do with my life better then i do. but i wust go now and depart. im being hunted now and i must leave behind the odd ball life that i had and take on a new again with a new iddentity. the hunter will not get me now not ever. to all that read this i will miss you and farewell. remember memories last for ever cherish them. post comment

im tired of all the bs [31 Jul 2003|08:36pm] [ mood | bitchy ] ok so i got my uncle hired where i am and he starting to pull shit and im getting the bad end of it. im late cuz i have to get him up and then he takes forever just to get ready for work when we get there i get yelled at becuz im the one with the car. if thats how its gonna be im just gonna leave his ass at home and let him deal with the problem of not having a job. i need to save up more money other wise ill be shit out of luck. At least i can go and be with my girl for a while, but i still wounder wut would of been with alot of the girls ive been with, if only we would of been as dedicated to each other where would i be now. post comment

i ve noticed some things [21 Jul 2003|07:19pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | cold: wasted years ] out of all my old friends from the lil Hemroid in the ass town hamburg, there are few friends that im getting along with poon and silent. odd thing is that i wouldnt had pictured things to work out the way they have in the last few months. but things are still coming around. ive realized i do love kat, but i still dont know if she feels the same i know im probably one of her longest relationship shes had in a while, but i hope thats a good thing and is a sign for the future to come. i just wish that i could figure out wuts really going on im my life it seems like there is some thing missing like i missed something along the way. you know i figure who ever wants to sperd rommers can as long as there not about me cause all that seems to do is set me back alil further. but hey life will always turn out the way its suppost to in the end. ( we're all dead in the end) not to say there isnt a after life but hey we dont really know till we're there. well gotta go 1 comment|post comment

sorry to those who are pissed at me [17 Jul 2003|04:53pm] [ mood | confused ] i dont get why im being told something that may not even be true. i think ive made a good friend into an enamie becuz of other people that dont like her. even the guy she's with is telling me that she is acting out, like a lil child, and drawing atenttion in all the wrong ways. she thinks there is no one out there for her and that is my falt i shouldnt have turned my back on her when she needed me the most. but first i need to know the truth about every thing that has been happening. is that to much to ask for the truth. all i keep hearing are lies about every one else and never hearing the truth about them selves. im sorry to all those ive offened out there that read my journal. you know latly i dont even know wut the hell is going on. i feel like im sleeping and all this is just a dream. where is it im suppost to be any more. im struglling now to get a grip on relality. my head is filled with so many lies i dont know wut to beleive. i need to hear the truth from every one. but i dont want to hear the bitchin about every one else. i hope you all can forgive my blindness, and help me to see the truth. 5 comments|post comment

TO ALL THAT RESPONDED TO MY LAST JOURNAL ENTRY [15 Jul 2003|09:34pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | none ] ok first of all none of you know wut the hell is going on right at the moment, missy you dont understand why im pissed at you your only concerned for you self it seems. ashley and kristen i cant keep running from my problems any more so im staying as close to hamburg as i can. it seem like you ashley and you missy are trying to get me back at time ecpecailly you missy you guys sound pritty selfish lately. you guys need to realize i have my life and im trying to make it better for myself insted of sitting back and leting it take its own course and turning to shit. im tired of ppl bitching at me about there problems i have to worry enough with my self and mom that i dont have time to listen to every one elses. ow and missy if you kill this baby ill make sure you end up in a nut ward for good. you shouldnt be acting this way with a baby on the way. throwing yourself down a flight of stair wount solve anything and youll regrete it for the rest of your life. i want to keep every one at friends and im putting my foot down on that and thats it. if you dont understand where im coming from then think about it really good and hard. i have to go and work on my car now ill write more later if i feel the need to bitch about your damn writing. (this mainly went toward missys responce) 6 comments|post comment

answer this [01 Jul 2003|02:57pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | slipknot ] how is it that some one that youve become so pissed at just come along and starts to haunt your dreams i mean im not to the point that i hate her at all costs but i just cant stand the bitching about her boy friend but yet she haunts my dreams. i think it just im gettin over worked up about this hole thing. i dont know any more i just wish thinks would shape up to the way they are suppost to be. 3 comments|post comment

Para-noir [26 Jun 2003|11:11am] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | manson ] fuck you cuz i loved you, fuck you for loving you too, i dont need a reason for hating you the way i do. i know ive had this manson cd for a while but this song hits me hard cuz it reminds me of alot of my ex's not all but some of them just listen to the lyrics it stricks hard and deep. makes you wounder if thats all some of them wanted and that was the reason. this isnt completely serious guys so dont get me start bitching at me about this. but manson hits alot of things that make me wounder about life. and all its so call blessings. lifes starting to shap up for me though im starting to get all the things i ever wanted im gonna be buying land to put a house on soon after i get 4 grand witch woint take long on my pay check. its pretty cool geting close to 2 thousand each month. but some of the work is a pain in the ass. haveing to scap walls and all trying to prep for painting. at least i know i have some one i can count on when i get to where ever im plained o bein my futre. just wish me the best. post comment

i dont get some people [22 Jun 2003|04:03pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | manson_Para-noir ] ok i got this email from an ex and she is telling me that she i hurt and all cuz im in love with some else when she hurt me when she told me that we were over and started dating another guy right before we broke up. i find that kinda odd if i broke her heart then why is it mine was broke first. dear readers im not a petty person but i cant stand this im geting shit from some one that said she was over me at one moment then cheated on her boy with me then told my aunt that i shouldnt bethere owww the betrayal owell. i know something that they dont, my aunt was gonna come and get me any ways cuz i didnt feel right there after so long of being there and helping her cheat on her boy so she could feel better about herself.now all i want to do is be friends. but that is hard to do when shes giving me breif. i doubt that shell kill her self and if she dose try it (again), i hope she knows that she wont ever be able to see her child again if dose kill herself she be in the pits of hell or wut ever the after life holds for the one who kill them selfs for selfish actions, far from the reaches of her child. death is not an oppion. and if she dont kill herself shell be comitted for trying. she has no reason to try even if she thinks she has nothing to live for. but she dose the child she is baring. well dear reads i must go i have work to do. its hard finding a lot to put a house on in this area of the U.S. 2 comments|post comment

pondering my futer [14 Jun 2003|12:18pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | collide--chasing the ghost ] i find my self thinking about all of the people in my life and how some of them i want to keep in my life. but the one i find myself thinking about the most is my girl kat. i think i can finally tell her i love her but i dont know if the feeling is mutual, i know fir the past two weeks she all ive thought about. even while thing about moving to lynn valley, kansas, i think about weither or not she will want to move with or not cuz i want her to be in my life. when ever i read this book that she gave me i think about her as the female main character. i feel as if i could have a good life with her but i dont know wut to do either tell her i ove her and find out wut she says or dont and keep it locked in side and never let her know along with a hundred other feelings and secrets i dear not tell any one bout. emotions seem to be so confusing at times. choices in our lives take great toll on every one weither theyre in our lives or not. things people once told me a long time ago are starting to make more sence now as i keep growing older but barly ageing. but i must run 5 comments|post comment

ok im kind confused [03 Jun 2003|12:08am] [ mood | confused ] [ music | collide ] the other day i read a friends blurty. well heres the thing she said that she was in love with this guy and he had died in war( i feel bad about him dieing cuz he was related to one of my other friends.) but acourding to her she was in love with him while she was cheating on her exboyfriend with me, so this would mean that she was with more then just me while her and i were dating behind her ex's back?wouldnt it? well im not gonna get all bent out of shape over it. but im still confused. you know when every one told me that she wasnt all that trust full i knew it but i didnt want to beleive it. but any ways im in a new relationship and im happy now so i dont have to worry about, but now i worry about me screwing it up. so any advice? just cuorisous. but any ways im 18 now i have to find a half way decent job now so tie are getting buisyer in my life. so i gotta go. 1 comment|post comment

night fall again [18 May 2003|10:30pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | water falling ] ok i went to a graduation today tired as hell all till night fall, now this shit is geting inoying. i need to be able to sleep at night instead of the day. any ways i dont have a hole lot to talk about so ill live it at this, we all have a dission to make, wut do you think it should be? post comment

hello [17 May 2003|12:15am] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | songs of the celtic breezes ] i was reading a journal i kept before i had this, there was some really interseting stuff in it but there was some sad stuff in it too. stuff that should of mad me realize alot of things a long time ago. i just wish i had like about my friend poon he wrote some stuff in it about moveing away and how we may never see him again and now his dad wont let us come up to visit. there is some other stuff in there that i dont really want to touch on right now but then again i do. i realize i still love this one girl but then i started thinking about some other things and i also realize im falling for a totally different girl. i still love missy and i probably always will but right now i cant be with her cuz im falling in love with kat, my emotions for kat are geting stronger, and i feel more at home with her no one there that seperates us except for us when we want to be alone we tell each other. right now we arent doing anything intamently cuz we arent ready for it yet we realize we have alot of things to discover about eachother first, so we're gonna wait till after we both are ready for it. i know that the ppl that wrote in the journal that i was reading really did care for me and each other i just wish that i had some way of being able to help them more with out neglecting some of the others. wise man once said that " I can give advice to you and weither or not you take and it and use it is your choice but when i go to solve my problems and i cant do it thats when the trouble for me starts." meaning i need to stop worrying about every one and try to help with my own problems with my friendsand try to repear them, its gonna be hard.till next time to those faithfull to the all mighty journal. im out of here. 1 comment|post comment

things feel different [13 May 2003|09:11pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | rain and thunder watching the lightening ] theres a storm brewing in the weather and in some of my friendships. i can sence something comeing greater then my friends or i could of imagined and i think im the only one that feels it coming. i wish things didnt have to be this way with missy and i, i barly talk to her any more but thats gonna change, i need to be there more for all of my friends. i just wish i could considering that im all the way im another town then them, i know its not that far to drive there but its the transpertation that i need first. one way or another i will be there for them more often. i still cant beleive cuz of a love that ended oddly i still cant trust anyone. its hard for me cuz im in a pretty good relationship as it is. the only thing thats wrong with it is that its like its too ocward to do anything now like we're teens new at the experence. but we're not weve both more experenced then we think or show. things ned to change in my lifwe its just taking the first step of actually doing something about it i think ill start right now and fix the problems im having with my friends and my relationship. ow goody a happy ending to this story huh? nope i still have alot of life to live left, and there are plenty of mistakes ill make along the way. its just i hope i wont make as many of them as i did in the past. hoping that my futer will get better in the end. things should start looking up soon hopefully. well thats all for to night till the storm lifts up. til then blessed be to all post comment

happy fuckin birth day to me [12 May 2003|12:33am] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | none ] yeah im 18 now but i have this weird feeling about today i dont know wut it is yet but im sure ill figure it out some time today post comment

ok here to my real entry [10 May 2003|12:54am] [ mood | numb ] [ music | heart beating rapidly trying to stay calm ] ok heres the scoop for the time i was gone off here, i have a feeling that im not wanted in this area of the world, i feel i should be else where, with people iv never meat before.these dreams are getting stonger and pretty much possesing my mind while i sleep. i often wounder wut i do while i sleep. if ive killed any one when i wake up with the tast of blood in my mouth and fresh blood on my hands, but yet every one around me is fine. i find it odd and my thrust isnt as great any more, i havent feast in so long its not even funny.ive been feeling like ive been dieing latly. it doesnt help i feel something coming and now i know after seeing two suns setting in the sky 3 days ago. but yet i still feel like im all alone too. a great void sucks my into my self and i wounder if these are my feelings or someone real close to me. for those of you that knows me you know wut im talking about. but peace still hasnt come for me and i still feel a great burden. but i have to go i have a short time before my mother has this so called party for me. i need to get some sleep. good night to all and wish me good luck. post comment

ok ashley if your reading this print it is a bday list [10 May 2003|12:30am] [ mood | numb ] [ music | ariels ( thinking of wut shoul happen in my life) ] music to look for tool, godhead, evanecence, disturbed, nodoubt, pantara, creed, fuel, a perfect circle, korn, incubus, metallica, rob zombie, mudvaine, default, kittie, the donas, powerman 5000, lit, alien ant farm, train, system of a down, theory of a deadman, puddle of mud, orgy, blacksabbath, alice in chains, 3 doors down, deftones, earshot, aerosmith, ill nino, savage garden, skinlab, biohazard, dry cell, anthrax, black label society, five point 0, danzig, any any other band mentioned on lazer103.3s "wuts in lue's cd player" best radio show ever, for cloths any thing that looks different from normality(ideas may comefrom hottopics, with out shoping there), and if any one see's core taylor anytime soon an autograph would be nice, but the main thing i want is to be with you guys my family. post comment

the greatfull easterday [20 Apr 2003|12:49pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | murderdolls ] bull shit ok heres the thing im pegan i dont beleive i should have to pray for all of this but i do to make my family happie. but any ways i finally talked to missy weve kinda settled alot of things, i still want to be friends with her but if she cant do it i wont force it, even though i just wish she could be there when ever i needed her as a friend. Kat is coming to get me today later on so we can be together. i just wish i didnt have to put up with my familie's bs they're starting to piss me off trying to get me to do things i dont want to do. owell figures i pined with most of the yard work and it isnt even my yard. today just isnt my day. well i better go help before i get bitched at some more. 1 comment|post comment

i hate this shit its bull shit [18 Apr 2003|04:56pm] the fact that i would never think that i could feel this way toward missy. and never thought that her and i would ever really fight, it tears me apart and now i cant see myself with her any more i see my self alone like my father was for the longest time going from girl friend to girlfriend it hurts so bad. i dont know wut to do at times suicide isnt an option cuz if i do it then there will be others that follow and they have more going for them then i. my futer seems to be going for the gutter. reall positive thinking huh? i just hope i could just figure shit out. music of hoplessness flow through my head like a beating drum and the soothing guitar of an ancient time music its hard to compare the feelings im having right now to any thing ive been through. but i can all way put a song with the things that have happened in it. but i have to go other wise ill end up writeing a 4000000 page book on here. talk to you all later. post comment

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