| :( |
[25 Jul 2004|02:51pm] |
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every have the feeling that you dont belong where you are? or you dont diserve who you are with? for some reason i feel both. i want to be with my girl but i cant, i dont want her to have to wait till i get things better before she moves in with me. i want her to be happy and right now i think she isnt happy with me. im not meaning shes mad at me but i dont think she should have to go through all the lonelyness, of being seperated. but i have something other then that on my mind too. the beast is back and i have to work on it to get it running like it did when it was new maybe even better. but i have alot of work to do on it. and im gonna be investing alot of money into it. plus i also have fines to pay off to that are bs tickets. god im so tired right now. i want to fall asleep and never wake again. ive become so depressed in the last month that i barly know wut to do with myself any more. ive found myself coming back to this blurty account like starting back at the begining of it all for me. i was born here and i will end up dieing here, i cant excape this place. i have nothing but this cursed land, i feel like i am nothing for any one and every one is something that i can not have. no realy, no trueness to life. im starting to wouder about,love also. even though i dont want to give up on hope and love. but im starting to slip.
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| the feeling of death, and pain once again |
[21 Jul 2004|12:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
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collide |
] |
i dont know wut it is im feeling. i feel like my life has ended and im dead. i cant tell wut im going through. i dont even understand anything going in my life. hell idont even know wut to say on this besides, im growing weak now. and i dont understand my life once again. but yeah i hope you all have fun reading this who ever it is that reads this.
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| old feelings rushin in again |
[08 Jul 2004|07:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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rob zombie-Past, Persent, & Future |
] |
death is aproching and it feels like he is trying to tear me apart once again. this pain i feel now is different then wut ive felt before. the pain i feel now is the pain of a true love being torn away again. and now that i am ingaged with the only girl i can see my self with, my dreams are ripping me apart showing me all my past errors and letting me know the pain i felt in the past. my demons once again i have to go through this pain. but i cant run from these demons any more. wut ever happens happens i geuss. an old love is trying to get me back, and she knows that i was never able to resist her in the past but now ive changed, so i can not, i will not. no one will probably ever see this but i dont care cuz if i die any time i know this is the first place people are gonna look to see how i have lived my life. well i geuss ive failed in my life. and i dont have much to live for. but yet i do. but wut i have to liv for i never get to talk to hardly any more. and my depression keeps getting worse and worse. my life doesnt suck cuz i have people to fall back on but im extremly tired of falling back on people to help me out. im about ready to just end it all and say screw my life wut am i supost to do with it. i feel like an empty shell any more so wut is the point? only if jayme only knew how much i loved her and i wished she knew how much i want to be with her,but it seems like she is slipping through my fingers. and i have no clue wut is happening once again in my life. but who ever reads this and trys to rat me out or tells me it not worth doing well you know wut im not gonna kill myself i dont have the power to do that any more.
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| to all that read this |
[30 Mar 2004|05:57am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
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black sabbath- syptom of the universe |
] |
im disapearing for a while there will be no way of getting ahold of me unless im looking for you.
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| to all that have been wondering why my enrtys are missing |
[17 Mar 2004|07:54pm] |
its cuz im tired of getting shit about them.
ashley you ahev no right to acuse me of wut you are. thats a serious acusation. you dont even know wut its like to be raped. you say i got away, from wut? you know i know more about wut it feels like to be raped then you do. i have been raped twice. how would you know anything about it? i dont get you at times first you tell me about how bill is threatening you, then you tell me off like it never happened. i know that he is threatening every one. and it pisses me off. but you know wut its none of my cuncern any more i dont want to hear about any of it. if he starts beating on you next i dont care, its your fault that you pushed your friends away cuz of him. you about to lose another cuz of him. he is controlling your life and you dont want to see it anymore cuz your affraid of being alone.
you know why i choose to be alone? its cuz every time i get into a realationship it seems there is something that screws it all up. im not trying to controll you but i do want you to think about where you want to be in your life and if you really want to be held back by this guy, cuz this is exactly wut he is gonna do.
and for the me being raped, yes it did happen ive never told any one cuz i thought it was imberassing. and i know more then most about the subject. the frist time i was raped i didnt know wut was going on i was only 5 the second time i was ended getting tied up cuz i didnt want it happening to me. and both by some one my mom and her husband at the time thought was a trust worthy person. i was almost raped a third time by dell and i know every one know whoi that ass hole is every one but billy. i woke up with him standing over me on countless occations, only in his underwear. he tired to act likme he was gonna woop my ass and pulled my pants down once and i wouldnt let him.
i have a reason to be pissed at the world, wuts your? ive been through more then you can imagine. but im still here trying to get along with every one that is still in my life. i didnt even have a problem with billy till he sent me a threat. then you decide that you have to exile me from your life when i called my dad and said something like a brother should. it was either me or your mom was gonna tell him cuz he was gonna find out sooner or later.
if you have any complants for this you can stick it up your ass, cuz you know nothing about me, ewhy do you think that i keep my self so distant? its cuz i have more to hide from people then any one else. and i know that one way or another every one will find out sooner or later. you say i got away scot free, i wasnt even talking about that when i said ive piad for my mistakes. how can i get away with something that i didnt do? you know nothing about me. alot less then you probably evre will. if you still ewant to talk i dont care ill talk but i dont want to hear a god damn thing about billy and yuo fighting. thats your deal. if he comes around me and starts somthing i try to ignorre him as long as i can but i dont know how long it will be. till the next toime i feel like saying somthing that people needs to hear.good bye
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[06 Jan 2004|05:10pm] |
i wounder sometimes latly wut is life supost to be about. trying to keep every one elses spirts hi i lost track of my own and i dont know about some thing now. the mane thing on my mind is how im gonna be able to go to work and keep shit straight when my jeep is diing. every thing else is about caroline i hope she makes itthrough. a budy of mine his dog had puppies but only one of them lived and it belongs to carolin now if she lives it was born on the same week she was and is a survivor and i know that carrie will be a survivor to after all she has alot of her mother in her.
till next time im out.
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| i knew i waz a black cat to begin with |
[04 Jan 2004|04:39pm] |
You are a black cat, stubborn yet friendly, you
stick to your values and preferences, and no
one can convince you otherwise! You are the
legendary cat of mystery.
What color of cat are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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[04 Jan 2004|08:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 weird |
] |
Lestat, you're the bart prince! everyone loves you
- including yourself! you're a rock star and
obsessed with making more vampires!
which anne rice vampire are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| things are changing and its time i chang along with them |
[30 Dec 2003|07:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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mushroomhead- sun doesnt rise at all |
] |
i know that in this life ive been leading ive made some major mistakes but there are alot of those mistakes i dont regret. i know that if i have a child that i will be there for him/her. i know that there is a child out there right now that the mother nor i know if its mine or another mans, but i still know that i will comit myself to this child. i wont lie and say that ill move back up to where the mother lives now i cant do that ciz then i wont be able to find a desent job like the one i have now up there. but i will make frequent visits and make sure the baby knows who her father is.
its time for me to quit play a child and develop into the man im supost to be. ive grow alot and i do realize my mistakes. and ive tryed to corect them,but time has come to take responsibility for me. i know there are others out there that dont want this but i know in my heart that i am doing the right thing right now. and i will continue to fallow wut i beleive to be right. till next time im out
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| its that dream again |
[20 Dec 2003|07:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 distressed |
] |
once again ive had the dream but ive finished, not the way i though it would be. instead of it being someone i love it was death. i could almost smell it feel it and tast it. like it was creeping up on my trying to take me over.
i fear for missys child life now. for the guy that missy is with wont claim that the child is his. and i beleive that missy is right. how could it even be mine? if you think about it all the drugs ive done im probably stairle ( ok i dont know how to spell that word ok.) i know that i am a threat to him cuz of the history that i have with missy but he dont really know the half of it. the stress the missy is going through is hard enough on her, i dont want some guy to bring her down its bad enough that she went through so much shit with me and im sorry for all of that, but im here now and im gonna be the best friend i can be. trust is needed between alot of people and im tryingt to build it back up.
ive discovered wut i truly am, i am uwut would be the lowest rank of vampire, a incubis. some one that feeds off some one during an act that is ment to be sacred, during making love. taking there seed as my own. ive lost most of my emotions now and cant feel passion or love to the extent i used to.
this time i take a leave for a while and take a step back and look at my self and the people around me and discover wut truly makes me happy.hopefully i discover it soon cuz i canty take being sad all the time.
to all blessed be and good might
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| dreams |
[18 Dec 2003|06:32pm] |
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ive been having a dream alot latly. im getting married and its a beautifull wedding, im standing impateintly at the end of the isle whating for her. as the music is play i look to my best manwith a huge grin on my face and start nodding my head. finally the bride apears and starts to walk forward. my heart starts to beat harder and harder, when she finally gets to the end, the peadher starts to talk, but not in english in an old ancient language that i bearly can make out, then when its all done and its time to kiss the bride i lift the vail and ....... I end up waking up it fucked cuz i want to see who it is. i know that it is bound to happen soon but i want to know to whom. ive been woundering if its actually me that is getting married or some one i know. it tearing me up not knowing for sure.
till next time
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| im sorry about this but i found this and there arnt very many people that will know what this is. |
[16 Dec 2003|09:20pm] |
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blackdragon51640 (1:45:39 AM): finally
blackdragon51640 (1:48:41 AM): are you there??
blackdragon51640 (8:32:19 PM): you there??
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:32:28 PM): yeah
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:32:31 PM): sup
blackdragon51640 (8:35:30 PM): nm when you gonna b in shen next??
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:33:16 PM): i dont know why?
blackdragon51640 (8:36:19 PM): i need you
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:33:59 PM): HUH?
blackdragon51640 (8:36:35 PM): jays lying about hsit
blackdragon51640 (8:36:45 PM): n hurting me emotionally
blackdragon51640 (8:37:38 PM): i am about to go nuts
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:36:09 PM): about wut is he lying about
blackdragon51640 (8:38:57 PM): supposedly i fucked jared in his bed
blackdragon51640 (8:39:12 PM): while nicole was here the other night
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:37:22 PM): i thought you to were breaking up any ways
blackdragon51640 (8:39:59 PM): ya we did
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:38:02 PM): then wut the hell are you two scwabling over this shit for then
blackdragon51640 (8:40:54 PM): but he thinks that the reason that i had to go to the hospital was bc of fuckin jared and not him
blackdragon51640 (8:41:02 PM): i aint fucked jared tho
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:39:05 PM): even if you did i doubt you would feel it un less jared got enhancment pills
blackdragon51640 (8:41:46 PM): lol
blackdragon51640 (8:41:53 PM): caan you call at all ??
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:39:54 PM): nope
blackdragon51640 (8:42:30 PM): damn
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:40:58 PM): im talkin to niki and lotus too
blackdragon51640 (8:43:36 PM): ok
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:42:26 PM): hey guess wut
blackdragon51640 (8:45:01 PM):
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:42:44 PM): i got excepted to tatto school
blackdragon51640 (8:45:19 PM): cool
blackdragon51640 (8:45:28 PM): so where ya workin?
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:43:07 PM): in mossouri
blackdragon51640 (8:45:55 PM): where at?
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:43:37 PM): i start in a couple of weeks after i take my first ged test
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:44:10 PM): i dont know the name of the town all i know is that i get $10 and hour
blackdragon51640 (8:46:48 PM): cool
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:44:26 PM): i work every other week
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:45:52 PM): its not that from where poon is maybe a half hour dive maybe more away
blackdragon51640 (8:48:40 PM): cccool
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:46:15 PM): yeah
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:46:21 PM): ok question
blackdragon51640 (8:48:58 PM): ask
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:46:41 PM): why are you sooo in love with jared hes still a dick head
blackdragon51640 (8:49:28 PM): its not him its jay thats being the dick head
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:47:57 PM): well he maybe but jared is still a dickhead
blackdragon51640 (8:50:54 PM): how so he at least cares that i am in pain and worries about me
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:49:33 PM): thats what you think i still have this feeling that you better off with out him, plus i doubt jared will fully trust you again but then again he always thought you where cheating on him
blackdragon51640 (8:52:32 PM): shit he at least pays attention to my baby .....jay doesnt
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:51:04 PM): there are a billion guys in the world that can act like they have any interesty in your baby but really have other motives
blackdragon51640 (8:54:04 PM): ya but y doesnt jay pay attention to HIS baby??
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:52:35 PM): he dont know wut to do he want to but hes kinda affraid that if he get in close agian that he'll be let down again
blackdragon51640 (8:55:26 PM): well he went and ate dinner with his ex
blackdragon51640 (8:55:50 PM): how do you explain that n the fact that he tried to hide it
blackdragon51640 (8:55:52 PM): ??
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:53:27 PM): so you two are broken up that shouldnt matter
blackdragon51640 (8:56:06 PM): but it hurts
blackdragon51640 (8:56:15 PM): i just wanna know your opinion
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:55:47 PM): very few things ever go right but things must be ridden out some things should be let be, if he is gonna be with his ex let him. it hurt you when i started dating kat and whys that? it shouldnt. just let things take there cource if some thing gonna work out you have to help it out a lil but dont push it.
blackdragon51640 (8:59:43 PM): i told him that if he wants to go to her he can but he saaays that he cant
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:57:24 PM): life isnt all about one person in general that one person has to think about every one else to not just them selves
blackdragon51640 (9:00:17 PM): i know that Jason n Megan are tellin him lies but i cant prove it
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:58:01 PM): about wut
blackdragon51640 (9:00:41 PM): me and jared
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:58:32 PM): those two are friends not enemies dont make it out to be that way nomatter if thats how it sees
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:59:05 PM): i doubt that they are
blackdragon51640 (9:01:40 PM): no they dont like me i kno it
blackdragon51640 (9:01:57 PM): i think tyhat they are trying to get rid of me
bluedragon_frm_mars (8:59:29 PM): you dont know that you think it
blackdragon51640 (9:02:21 PM): ya bc of the way they act towards me n shit
bluedragon_frm_mars (9:00:17 PM): why they hated it when poon left they hated it when nicole moved out they hated it when i left they aretn trying to get rid of you
blackdragon51640 (9:03:02 PM): i think they are
blackdragon51640 (9:03:13 PM): i gotta go for a few to use da phone
bluedragon_frm_mars (9:01:00 PM): unless you are hurting jay really bad and they dont think you should be with him which i highly doubt
bluedragon_frm_mars (9:01:35 PM): ok
bluedragon_frm_mars (9:03:08 PM): be back after a bit i have to go to the store
blackdragon51640 (9:04:45 PM):
in the end i found out the truth about two people i thought where friends and im sorry for trying to blindly defend them.
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| dream? |
[06 Nov 2003|06:36pm] |
|
the really fucked thing is that i keep have the same dreams latly. i know wut part of them mean but parts are kinda chopy, the main part is im gonna meat some one new, but yet have some one from my past still in my life. and a woman the i care deaply for will die, but by whom you ask thats the same queastion ive been asking my self. whom?
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| hassles |
[18 Oct 2003|11:34am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
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sounds of the hambrug library. |
] |
man why is it that every time i get into somesort of relationship its always fucked up cuz something odd happens and compicates it to the point it dont work out? im tired of try to make relationships work when they dont work out. that probably why i just end them, cuz i cant make them work, even in the most ocward condisions. death has come to my mind alot latly. but the only thing that has stoped me is the fact that i might be a father. i dotn want any child to never know who there father is. whut they were like or anything like that. lifes to short as it is, why just go through and end it with out thinking? but yet death is still cuforting to me for some od reason, like its been trying to koax me into its trap, or have me do it dirty work for it. life has been odd ofr someone who know the feeling of death every time its around, weither if its for me or not i know when it around every time. nothing can controll the gods right well it seems there is something more then all the gods coming for me now a days, soemthing that will bring the end of wut we are.
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| huh |
[08 Oct 2003|10:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
life is starting to get better but im still not getting the respect i deserve. but things are geting better slowly. friends are starting to get mad at each other. and dont know wut the hell is going on in there own life so they try to pass it on to someone that has been in their shoes, not working if you come to me cuz i dont know wut to tell you. now other then that any one fucking around on your guy stop it before he pisses me off and i have to put him out of his missury
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| is it so wrong to be pissed at people |
[07 Oct 2003|04:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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buddy wont leave me alone( so me screaming at him) |
] |
ok heres the deal fuckin bill thinks he controlls every thing, but yet every thing is in my name he own practically nothing but wuts at his moms and a few things the trailors mine both vehicles are mine but yet he thinks he has last say in every thing and thats gonna end real soon like.
other then that im going to the manson concert and im gonna have fun, and i dont care wut any one says, im not gonna listen to them.
oh and missy i was woundering if you gave that letter to kat? please do i cant get up there any time soon. i probably wont be abl to help mom out if im gonna be gonna from work the week end of the concert ill have to put in alot of over time. but till then all night, and far well. and will you fuckers talk more often god damn. ( i can say god damn to if i want i dont beleive in the christian god. ) talk to you a later.
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| hello to another drery day |
[30 Sep 2003|08:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
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fuel- falls on me |
] |
to think that song usually cheers me up.
to day sucked major ass, fucking my vehicle is craping out on me and i think it cuz of bill. hes always fucking with my cars and im starting to get pissed. the sooner he moves out the better. he dont care about wuts goin on
in any one elses life, all he cares about is wut makes him happie, even if that is to make every one else misserable. god i hate him. i wish he would go away, wish i would never had helped him out in getting this job.i swear some times that he is gay the way he acts and shit. one of this days hell fuck with me and regret it. thats if he dont get fired first. hel hes making our employer wonder about him. i dont think it was a good idea for him to come down with me to work here. all i wanted to do was help him out and he fucking acts like a asshole toward me and every one around. i think he need to give up the weed also that one of his biggest problems.
well any way i have to go. to all that read this and know me dont worry about this sooner or later things will work out. just dont be suprized if bill turns up in the hospital.
later i have to eat.
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| D-Day |
[21 Sep 2003|05:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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depressed |
] |
time to finish some thing i should of finish a long time ago.
life is getting to boring same ruten every day. im tired
of people telling me stuff i dont want to hear, it just brings me down
merlin your my main problem and its time to stop man. if you would
actually let me live my life instead of fucking with my shit. i think we could be friends
again, but im not going to be a godd fucking damn baptist
when the times come for me to be where im supost to be ill be there
i jaut hope that ill get there in one peice cuz how i see it im losing my mind peice by peice.
to those who dont beleive wut ive profisized, well dont beleive but i worn you now
if it happens dont be suprized when i say told you so. but this is the end of this.
there is no more, not for now. good bye
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| hello |
[20 Sep 2003|02:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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fuel- falls on me, to you missy |
] |
i know that people have been woundering why ive been running and wut from. well you all want the truth so here it is the reason im runing is cuz im running from my fears, the fear that im gonna hurt people im tired of hurting the ones i love the most. and even if im not hurting them just yet i know i will eventually. just look at my relationship with missy. and to who ever it was that was trying to get into my blurty stop you wont get in. and merlyn i know youre watching every thing i write now. man when do you have to be like this. we where good friends at one time till you started pressuring me to convert. it was an axident i didnt mean to crash your computer.
and to every one else that ive hurt im sorry. but i have to go. if you want to talk to me just talk. it dont matte how ill listen, but dont worry about me all that much ill make it through i always do. the world is big and times come to explore a lil. find where i belong, who i realy am, and discover who im ment to be, or wut im ment to be. but till then ill be here to suport you all.
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| hummm |
[30 Aug 2003|04:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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power tool- 40 below summer |
] |
to some i think i have confused. i may have writen something on here that somepeople have taken to heart about my personal life. well maybe not to heart but, you miss understood it. ive found my self woundering wut ove is becuz i had some thing of my past that wasnt settled, thing that some know about and other dont. i have settled those things that needed to be recinsialed. and things are turning around in my life i wounder at time still about some of the choices in my life, but i know with the help of my family i can change them fairly easily. i hope that the ones i have confused will forgive me and still b my friends. i love all my friend old and new. i just hope that may be i can right things before they get to screwed up.
thank you guys for being there for me, and i hope i can be there for you when you need me.
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